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Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else


I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free


Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel


Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone


No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try


Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye


Fade to Black - Metallica




Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life


Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Revenge.

Holding a grudge.

The desire to destroy everyone and everything around you.

Is that really wrong?

Seems that those who produced Jigoku Shoujo Futakomori seemed to think so. The season came to an end with the death of Enma Ai, who disobeyed the Lord of Hell and as a penalty was brought back to life to be killed by an angry mob. The mob made up of the very same people who accessed the Hotline to Hell for their own vengeance. As such, the situation @ the town came to a close. Ai & the spirits of those that she loved were released.

As the story goes, Ai was once a normal girl who was prosecuted by her village and eventually killed. In her rage, she destroyed the entire village and was doomed to work as the Hellgirl by the Lord of Hell who held the souls of those she loved ransom.

Kinda ridiculous don't u think? When the people who died are the ones @ fault in the 1st place. And from the way I see it, they got what's coming to them. Why should the innocent made to suffer be punished from extracting justice upon the wrong-doers who unleashed hell upon them?

"
The shadows of sin flicker and flutter.
A sorrowful destiny; a path of doubt.
The hater and the hated are two in one;
Two cracked mirrors reflecting each other.
"

Above is the English translation, done by Shinsen Fansubs, of the start of every episode.

Yeah granted that vengeance is a never-ending cycle. However... does that mean we shld just sit back and let everything go? Forgive the ones who did you wrong & forget the nasty deeds that they have done? Is vengeance really such a bad thing?

Come to think of it, even the old martial arts drama that I used to watch seemed to reflect that. The one seeking revenge is always portrayed as the bad guy. Then the good guys will simply mentioned that... when will revenge end... yadda yadda... those kinda shit. Of coz itz easy for the good guys to stay that. They weren't the ones who watched their loved one die in the hands of another.

Society is flawed.

If that's the common perception people adopt - or rather, if that's the kinda thought ppl are trying to promote.

The world is just fucked.

Hypocritical.

Me?

I believe in vengeance. I believe in vendetta. I don't believe in goodness & I don't believe in taking things done towards myself lying down. I don't believe in being nice to those who don't deserve it. In any case, feelings should be mutual. Actions should be reciprocal. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Nothing more, nothing less.

So... does that mean I should be condemned to Hell?

lol ~ if thatz the case, so be it. I wouldn't wanna be sent to Heaven along with all the others who aren't even true to themselves in the 1st place. Those who wear a mask. Those who claim that they bear no grudge.

To those who claim so, just one word for you: Bullshit.

Destruction isn't necessary a bad thing. Wanna argue? Well, tell me then, why did God cause the entire world, save for Noah & his ark, to be submerged in water? Why did God bring destruction upon the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah? Coz He is the the Creator and has the "right" to do so as he was saddened by how humans have turned out?

Hahahahaha... your God is nothing more than a tyrant, a dicator who wants things his very own way. Everything that is negative about humans, everything that is "wrong" came from Him. Don't blame the serpent for tempting Eve to eat the apple - its just as good as blaming the cigarette manufacturers for lung cancer. Temptation is always around - it's up to a person to succumb to it or look the other way. Eve was weak. She ate the damned fruit. Where did she inherit the weakness from? Well... God did make mankind in his own image, didn't He?

btw, sidenote: in the above 2 paragraphs, when I mention God, I refer to the God of Christian faith (in case morons have yet to notice).

/shrug

Well... whatever it is, it'll be pretty interesting should I have the power to destroy the world @ my very whim. I'll fill the planet with flames of hate, fill the night sky with the death cries of those who are caught in them.

Why?

Simple.

There is beauty in destruction afterall.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:57


Tuesday, November 04, 2008


*sigh* I never knew I could get this upset over a game.

"Nameless" downed Illidan last night for the 1st time. It should be a happy thing right? And no, am not upset coz I lost the T6 chest based on dkp. My rogue companion got it and itz as if I've gotten it myself. No biggie. Am just feeling totally fcked coz that was the last raid we did together as a guild. "Nameless" is no more. Well... at least no longer the way it is. A huge percentage of the main raid team left, and formed a new guild "Encore". So I guess... yeah in a sense "Nameless" is no more, coz it was the raid team that made the guild.


That was the last pic we ever took together.

I just feel like an asshole. Really. Coz I left to join "Encore" too. It just seems like a betrayal. The GM is someone I know irl. Being a former gm myself on Barthilas, I can imagine how he'd feel to see his guild shattered this way. The most shitty thing is, I am goddamned sure he was certain I'd stay and help him with reforming his guild. I didn't. I bailed. I wanted to stay, really. But I dun like the idea of raiding with strangers all over again. I dunno manz... either way I'll be branded an asshole.

When I didn't immediately leave to join "Encore", another guildie back from "Impact" days got mad - said that I went back on my word, that we'll be sticking together when "Impact" fell apart. Well... I did make that promise afterall, so I guess I don't blame him for being mad. But I don't think I shld be given that kinda pressure. I did try explaining y I didn't leave. He didn't accept it. /shrug. Even though I did leave eventually... am gonna re-evaluate my in-game friendships. Coz it does feel that he was trying to use my sense of loyalty against me, when he knows jolly well that by leaving "Nameless", I'll be going against my morales too. Not really someone I'd like as a friend, even if it's merely in-game. Shouldn't allow myself to be put under such kinda peer pressure any further.

So what actually made up my mind to leave?

It was what my fellow rogue asked. A simple yet effective question - Why am I staying?

My gaming objective is progression. I have to stay true to that objective. If I wanted merely a social guild, "Triple Moons" on Barthilas fits the bill just fine... it's a guild with no potential, no raiding future. But it's a guild where friendships are strong & where ppl actually like each other (or at least thatz the impression I get). That is a social guild. However, I ain't content to just remain in a guild as such. I want to see end-game content when WoTLK is released in a week's time. With "Encore", I see such potential. Am unsure if I'll be given a regular raid spot with my fellow rogue there, considering that many raids will be 10-man based in WoTLK and that doesn't allow 2x rogues @ the same time. But well... it's not as if my raid spots in "Nameless" are gonna be certain now that they are reforming.

Tbh, there are many things that "Nameless" GM does that I don't really approve of... but that's his style. It's just pretty self-centered but well... who isn't selfish @ the end of the day? Doesn't mean that "Encore"'s GM is much betta - I don't know that for sure. The only thing I know is that he's a better raid leader, and he doesn't make empty promises (well he hasn't made promises in the 1st place).

*sigh* All I can say is... my raiding future is uncertain on that realm. I just hope that in time, everything will work out. And I really hope, it doesn't end up with Mai ("Nameless" GM) & black hating me. Those 2 are peeps that I've known since my Barthilas days... and we did have wonderful times together.
Bahhh kinda dread the phone call I know I'll get from Mai later today. Arrrgghhhh it just sux. Coz in my heart I feel as if I've betrayed him. He trusted that I'll stay to help him. I didn't. I deserted him. Wtf manz. Wtf did I just do =.=

I dunno. It just sux that the guild had to break apart this way. Especially after we downed Illidan. What an irony. Guess good things really don't last forever.

If this keeps up... I really might have to quit WoW to preserve my sanity.

Shady self-destructed @ 06:35







.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page



Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.

In Progress

  • Dark Cloud 2
  • Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
  • Kingdom Hearts
  • Kingdom Hearts II
  • Wild Arms 3

In Queue

  • Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
  • Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
  • Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
  • Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
  • Dark Cloud
  • Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
  • Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
  • Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
  • Final Fantasy X
  • Final Fantasy X-2
  • Final Fantasy XII
  • Grandia III
  • Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
  • Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
  • Persona 3
  • Rogue Galaxy
  • Rule of Rose
  • Shadow Hearts: Covenant
  • Shadow Hearts: From The New World
  • Shining Force Neo
  • Silent Hill 3
  • Silent Hill 4: The Room
  • Soul Cradle [Jap]
  • Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
  • Suikoden IV
  • Suikoen V
  • Tales of the Abyss
  • Wild Arms Alter Code: F
  • Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

  • Ar tonelico II [?]
  • Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
  • Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
  • Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
  • Digimon World Data Squad
  • Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
  • Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
  • Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
  • Drakengard
  • Drakengard 2
  • Dual Hearts
  • Elvandia Story [?]
  • Ephemeral Fantasia
  • Eternal Ring
  • Evergrace
  • Forever Kingdom
  • Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
  • Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
  • Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
  • Growlanser Generations
  • Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
  • Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
  • Jade Cocoon 2
  • Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
  • Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
  • Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
  • MS Saga: A New Dawn
  • Musashi Samurai Legend
  • Odin Sphere
  • Okage: Shadow King
  • Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
  • Radiata Stories
  • RPG Maker 2 [?]
  • RPG Maker 3 [?]
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
  • Shining Force Exa
  • Shining Wind [?]
  • Shining Tears
  • Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
  • Steambot Chronicles
  • Summoner
  • Summoner 2
  • Tales of Destiny [?]
  • Tales of Destiny II [?]
  • Tales of Legendia
  • Tales of Rebirth [?]
  • Tales of Symphonia [?]
  • The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
  • Tsugunai: Atonement
  • Unlimited Saga
  • Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
  • Wild Arms 5 [?]
  • Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
  • Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
  • Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
  • .hack//Infection Part 1
  • .hack//Mutation Part 2
  • .hack//Outbreak Part 3
  • .hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

  • Grandia II
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
  • Legend of Legia II
  • Shadow Hearts
  • Silent Hill 2
  • Suikoden III

Trash Bin

  • 7 Sins
  • Urbz: Sims in The City
  • Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...


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