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Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else


I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free


Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel


Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone


No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try


Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye


Fade to Black - Metallica




Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life


Thursday, October 30, 2008


3hrs+ and counting. Have gotten Ainarielle's fishing skill from 293 to 347 in the process. Chances are, itz gonna end up at 375 at the sick rate it's going. For those playing WoW, am sure u guys know how fcking long that takes. So what the fck am I doing? I'm fishing in the waterfall @ Ogrimmar (one of the enemy capitals, for non WoW players). And yes, Ainarielle is a Night Elf. Rogue nonetheless, but it was a pain getting to where I'm right now - especially after patch 3.0.2 changing the guards from lvl 70 to 75. There's even a lvl ?? (elite) walking around who can detect stealth. I got one-shotted by him like twice and yeah thatz coz I was naked save for Vanir's Right fist of Brutality on my main hand. Why the fck am I naked in the 1st place? Simple. Death to NPC = -10% durability = approx 4g repairs. Death is inevitable as the guards can see thru' my stealth easy due to their higher level & my lack of subtelty talents - I'm PvE raid spec.

Anyway... I shall not go into details about my toon's spec and gear. Laymen simply won't understand and that isn't the point of my current blog entry anyway. To summarize, I had a hard time getting in.

So what the fck am I doing? I'm fishing! Why fish there? Uhmm coz with the latest patch, Blizzard came out with an entire list of achivements that one can attain. One of them includes fishing up Old Crafty in Ogrimmar - which is a pain in the ass for Alliance players. Well... the Horde have their own curse having to fish up Ironjaw in Ironforge, the Dwarven city, an Alliance capital. Uhmm once again, I'm off-topic... bear with me on this as itz now 5:09am and I've been fishing since slightly before 2am.

351 fishing skill now.

Hmm... am tempted to just give up, hearth back to Shatt city, logout and go to bed. Itz just that the thought of coming in all over again another day kinda sickens me. Give up on that achievement altogether? yeah perhaps I should, but guess part of me is too stubborn to do so. I guess folks who know me irl can attest to that. My mule headedness had gotten me to do stuff that most lesser (and rational) ppl would have given up already. *sigh* I don't even know if that's a good trait or otherwise anymore.

That isn't the point of this post either.

This is supposed to be a ranting entry tbh. Just let me feel sorry for myself & lash out at Life once again, won't ya? Just let me curse my very existence and contradict myself a little to make it slightly easier to bear. I just don't fcking understand. Why is my luck so bad?

I had a fishing companion initially. A fellow rogue from the same guild. He's offline now, went to sleep after keep me company for like 1hr or so. He got his achivement on his 1st cast. How gay is that? Gay not coz he got it on his 1st try. Gay becoz I'm still there more than 3 fcking hours later and I haven't gotten it! Why the fck do I always have to try harder than anyone else? Why is it that luck doesn't smile upon me? WHY???

Itz the same thing with the Halloween event. There's this pet, the Sinister Squashling, that can be obtained from various means - defeating the headless horesman in Scarlet Monastry & outrolling your fellow party members, getting it from Trick or Treat @ the inn keepers, or as a reward from saving a town from burning down. The event ends this Sunday. I still haven't gotten the pet yet on Ainarielle. I've lost the rolls many times, even when just 1 other person wants it; I've never managed to put out a fire in town & I was unsuccessful getting it from a TnT package. *sigh* Why is my luck so bad?

Oh yeah, I've gotten the squashling yesterday off the headless horseman for Erulisse. Thatz only coz a guildie passed for me. FFS. Am just fcking sure that if he didn't pass, he would have won it instead. My rolls are epic. Hmm no.. not epic. Legendary. When an item drops and someone else wants it too, 95% of the time I lose the roll. When there's no one else in the party who needs the item... it simply doesn't drop at all. Take Aina's helm & Eru's tanking boots for example (not that I really care since WoTLK is coming out in a week & all gear will be replaced in the levelling process - but thatz NOT the point!!).

Guess am simply the type who just doesn't have much luck. Am destined to persevere and work harder than anyone else if I want something. Even if I were to work real hard, doesn't mean I'll get it. Call that pessimistic if you wish. I simply call it having a practical outlook based on what I've experienced thru' the years. Both in and out of game.

Just look @ my real life. Do I get what I want? No.

I wanted so badly for my marriage to work out. I tried all that I could. It ended up in shambles despite all that I've done. Result: Fail.

Social life. Well, I admit that I've been preoccupied with WoW of late, but I still try to maintain the friendships I have. Dropping occasional messages on MSN, asking folks out for dinner or to the movies... but what happens? Half the time, the messages go unanswered. Friends' aren't free to go out on the days I'm free & do not bother comprimising for a mutal free day (it's always on their time, not mine if they bother to suggest an alternative in the 1st place). People go watch movies w/o remembering to ask me along. *sigh*

Perhaps I shld just come to terms with the fact that people just simply don't like me coz I'm too critical, too cynical, too sarcastic, too demanding, too irrational... and whatever negative qualities that a human mind can fathom. Thatz probably why Life decides to throw all the shit my way too... hoping that I'll just give up & cease to exist. Come to think of it, it isn't such a bad idea afterall. End this life. Begin the nxt one on a clean slate & hopefully I won't be the perceived asshole I am right now and I won't be hated this much.

360 fishing now.

Well... this rant isn't going too well ehz? Itz just making my self esteem lower than it already is. Perhaps I should just not give a flying fck as to what others think about me. If they don't like me, they can jolly well fck off coz they aren't the only people in the world to begin with.

Time for some positive thoughts imo.

Perhaps I should count myself lucky that I got my squashling on Erulisse eventually - that I actually had a guildie who's nice enough to pass on it when it dropped. I should consider myself lucky that I had other guildies who are willing to go farm for it for me, even if it didn't drop that day. I should consider myself lucky that I had a fishing buddy for the 1st hour in Ogrimmar. I should consider myself lucky that there are still ppl irl who have yet to place me on their ignore list. And finally I should consider myself lucky that I've got an outlet to vent my frustrations and the ability to do so.

364 fishing. Fck it manz. I'll give up at 375 and continue before tonite's raid or another day.

Oh great... some fcked up horde decided to come and gank. Seriously, can't ppl just fcking leave me alone? Am already pissed enough as it is trying to get that fcking fish.

FCK LIFE.

Shady self-destructed @ 06:13

Thursday, October 23, 2008




I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream
Ill cross the stream - I have a dream

Beautiful song by Abba. Heard it a long time ago and recently once again - on the movie Mamma Mia. Am darn glad I didn't catch that in the cinema or I might have broken down totally.

Haha yeah it just sounds like one of my lose-control moments again. Perhaps someday I'll steel myself to visit a shrink. Chances are, I'm suffering from depression or at least bipolar disorder. And I ain't kidding about it. But that'll be for another post... another day.

Right now. Ah well... u know, I had a dream once. I still have a dream. I just don't know it'll come true and hanging it to it just sounds so childish. Try as I might, I can't get rid of this little girl that dwells inside me. Biologically I've grown up. I'm already 27. In 3 years I'll be 30. My dream is fading. This may sound weird, coming from me... and it sounds totally ridiculous to the adult mind. But u know what? I've always dreamed that one day I'll meet my Prince Charming, get married & live happily ever after. It just sounds like a lovely thing to happen. And yeah it does sound unbelievable coming from someone the likes of me.

You know, some day, I'd really wish to be a mom.

/shrug

Shady self-destructed @ 07:21

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


"Just take it as an evening spent with friends" - thatz what my guildie, Aeld told me when I lamented that it was yet another Saturday night spent fused to the com. That was slightly more than 2 weeks ago, after a combined guild raid with to Black Temple (note: as it was before the nerf, we didn't even manage to get Naj'entus down).

Come to think of it, when was the last time I went out on a Sat night? I dunno manz... like 1 mth ago? What did I actually do when I went out that time too? omg I really can't remember much now. /shrug Time just passes me by so swiftly these days. Itz like the hours just go zoom and the days just meld into each other. Looking @ this on the bright side, at least WoTLK will be out soon. Patch 3.0.2 is already active along with the sweet talents. Exception: nerf pallies pls!!!

Anyway... yeah it might be a little troubling that I spend weekend after weekend cooped up in my room. Weekdays are the same. Am raiding hardcore with Ainarielle right now & my raid schedule is pretty much full - the only true off day being Tues when the server undergoes maintainence. Saturdays are mostly full days on Barthilas, now that the combined runs seem to happen more frequently & Sundays 1/2 Barth 1/2 Dread. Admittedly I do get a tad exhausted now and then... and give myself a couple of "off time" to play an alt on another server or to just do random stuff on my warrior.

At times I wonder: am I a hermit coz I'm gaming 24/7 or am I gaming 24/7 coz I'm a hermit. Lolx. I guess itz one deadly circle. Doesn't help that I don't have much of a social circle in the 1st place. Oh yeah I've got a few friends, a few maybe-friends and a handful or so of acquaintances... but virtually no activities outside the home. Makes me wonder even more about what I've thought before - that u hang out with ppl outta convenience more than anything else. Itz like, u tend to hang out more frequently with those who live near u, with those who wrk/study with you... etc. For those who are not, it takes "so much" effort that most just don't bother. Takes so much energy just to press a few buttons on the handphone's keypad u knoe? Especially for those who come in pairs - they just don't seem to have much energy to begin with!! Can't blame them. I might do the same if I were in their shoes since friendship is kinda unreliable in this day & age. Yet another nasty circle ehz? lmao.

Ah well ~ whatever, yeah?

Speaking of WoW... this raid nerf is getting a little on my nerves. The end-game raids are now so fcking easy that itz become a joke. Scrubs are getting their T6 pieces. Itz no longer exclusive for those who actually can play. eg. I've gotten my Slayer's gloves on my rogue... but itz no longer a big deal, coz Azgalor is now a little kitten. Even Mother has lost her edge. As I'm typing this... am waiting for my guildies to turn in their T6 shoulder tokens. We totally busted her ass with more than 1/2 the raid lying dead on the floor. Bleahhh wotlk is like 3 weeks away. I wonder if I'll get my shoulders b4 just stops raiding for level grinding. Not that it matters too much imo. Those stuff are gonna be pretty much useless @ lvl 80. Got my worries come wotlk, about getting parties for instances, but guess I'll have to face it when I get to it. Will be hard w/o friends on that server... but well, can always keep my fingers crossed.

As for . We haven't been having much luck with raids. After the nerf, the weekend was a server dead time. We didn't get to do SSC nor ZA - am pretty sure we can clear it with the nerf, such a shame that we can't do it the normal way though... too many scrubs. Well ~ anyhow I've gotten my 1st pc of T5 from loot reaver durng one of the combined guild runs into TK on pre-nerf mode. Yeah... those combined runs are pretty much a double edge sword. Got guildies actually preferring to turn up for those runs than our own organised ones. Bahh!! Time to clean up the roster come wotlk after intensive recruitment!! Itz gonna be a fresh start for the guild in a way... I just hope we'll make it this time, though tbh, 80% of my focus will be on my rogue (has more potential there).

Guess will just take thing as they come like I always do. None of my plans work out anyway.

Time to face the Illidari Council. I wonder if I'll get to meet Illidan this night.

Shady self-destructed @ 22:57






.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page



Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.

In Progress

  • Dark Cloud 2
  • Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
  • Kingdom Hearts
  • Kingdom Hearts II
  • Wild Arms 3

In Queue

  • Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
  • Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
  • Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
  • Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
  • Dark Cloud
  • Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
  • Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
  • Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
  • Final Fantasy X
  • Final Fantasy X-2
  • Final Fantasy XII
  • Grandia III
  • Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
  • Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
  • Persona 3
  • Rogue Galaxy
  • Rule of Rose
  • Shadow Hearts: Covenant
  • Shadow Hearts: From The New World
  • Shining Force Neo
  • Silent Hill 3
  • Silent Hill 4: The Room
  • Soul Cradle [Jap]
  • Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
  • Suikoden IV
  • Suikoen V
  • Tales of the Abyss
  • Wild Arms Alter Code: F
  • Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

  • Ar tonelico II [?]
  • Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
  • Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
  • Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
  • Digimon World Data Squad
  • Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
  • Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
  • Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
  • Drakengard
  • Drakengard 2
  • Dual Hearts
  • Elvandia Story [?]
  • Ephemeral Fantasia
  • Eternal Ring
  • Evergrace
  • Forever Kingdom
  • Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
  • Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
  • Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
  • Growlanser Generations
  • Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
  • Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
  • Jade Cocoon 2
  • Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
  • Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
  • Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
  • MS Saga: A New Dawn
  • Musashi Samurai Legend
  • Odin Sphere
  • Okage: Shadow King
  • Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
  • Radiata Stories
  • RPG Maker 2 [?]
  • RPG Maker 3 [?]
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
  • Shining Force Exa
  • Shining Wind [?]
  • Shining Tears
  • Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
  • Steambot Chronicles
  • Summoner
  • Summoner 2
  • Tales of Destiny [?]
  • Tales of Destiny II [?]
  • Tales of Legendia
  • Tales of Rebirth [?]
  • Tales of Symphonia [?]
  • The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
  • Tsugunai: Atonement
  • Unlimited Saga
  • Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
  • Wild Arms 5 [?]
  • Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
  • Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
  • Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
  • .hack//Infection Part 1
  • .hack//Mutation Part 2
  • .hack//Outbreak Part 3
  • .hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

  • Grandia II
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
  • Legend of Legia II
  • Shadow Hearts
  • Silent Hill 2
  • Suikoden III

Trash Bin

  • 7 Sins
  • Urbz: Sims in The City
  • Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...


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