Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Friday, July 11, 2008

Randomly surfed into Lewies blog while doing a search under a few guildie's names (to see whether TM is easily found on the world wide web) and found a link to this religion quiz that caught my attention. Basically am interested to find out what kinda religion I "should be practicing", not that it's gonna affect my intention to stay a [almost] netural of course! Anyway after 20 questions...

Your Results:
The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Neo-Pagan (91%)
3. Secular Humanism (88%)
4. Liberal Quakers (85%)
5. New Age (80%)
6. Theravada Buddhism (76%)
7. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (71%)
8. Mahayana Buddhism (69%)
9. Nontheist (64%)
10. Taoism (63%)
11. Reform Judaism (51%)
12. New Thought (49%)
13. Scientology (48%)
14. Orthodox Quaker (42%)
15. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (38%)
16. Bahai Faith (35%)
17. Hinduism (35%)
18. Sikhism (35%)
19. Jainism (33%)
20. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (21%)
21. Orthodox Judaism (21%)
22. Seventh Day Adventist (19%)
23. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (15%)
24. Eastern Orthodox (11%)
25. Islam (11%)
26. Roman Catholic (11%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (7%)

My 1st reaction was - huh? Wth is Unitarian Universalism? And as I read down the list, more "wth"s came about. I never even heard of some of the religions mentioned. Well of coz I know there are more than simply the mainstream ones (eg. Christianity, Buddhism… etc.) around, and that “Christian” is just a general term for the different err… churches of belief… I just didn’t expect to be confronted by so many unfamiliar names. Most of all, I didn’t expect that my 100% match to be something I’ve never even heard about!! Lol on a side-thought, I wonder if Satanism is included in the pool of “available” religions. Heh well if u are feel curious, u can take the What Religion Am I Quiz to see how u "fare".

Of coz am not gonna just let the matter go this way w/o finding out more. Did a Wikipedia search and some stuff I learnt is that... itz a "creedless religion" that emphasises on "spritual growth and development". Sounds pretty simillar to what I've been practicing all this while actually, though all this while I've thought that the profile of an "agnostic" best suits me. Then again, I've never heard of Unitarian Universalism till today.

/shrug will find out more, will post more another time. For now... itz off to Orchard to watch Hellboy 2!!

Shady self-destructed @ 17:59

:: "REAL" LIFE ::

o.O Last post 2nd June 2008. Itz 11th July 2008 today... whoah itz been that long since I last posted something here? Srsly, time really does fly. The hours & minutes trickle by @ work... they are painful nontheless... but the days and months - they are over before u think manx. Which reminds me. It's more than 3 years from my ROM date now. In fact, I hit the 3 year mark like 4 mths ago. And I am still procrastinating -.-" Nah ~ I no longer have any qualms about ending this. The reason y I'm dragging is coz I'm lazy I suppose. I keep putting off giving the lawyer a call, making an appointment and all. I keep telling myself, next week, next week, next mth... yak yak yak. All talk and no action *sigh* w/o settling this issue, I'll never be able to truly close this disastrous chapter of my life and move on.

Ookie, no more procrastination this time (I hope).

Dad suggested that I approach a laywer @ my wrk place to handle this case coz it'll be more convenient should I have to sign papers and all. It might be cheaper as well, to be frank. But I dun think am gonna do that. My point of trepidation is, this divorce thing will involve tons of mud-slinging from both sides. It won't really do good for ppl at my wrk place to know the details of it going on. No doubt it's supposed to be confidential info. Keywords: supposed to be. I daresay such nonsense will spread as well as a forest fire on a hot & dry day manx. So I guess it'd be better to seperate wrk & personal life. I mean... u don't install a toilet bowl in ur dining area rite? Though I still have the same kinda I-dun-give-a-fark-how-u-see-me attitude as I had during my teenage years, and I really dun give a damn how my colleagues view me... I ain't stupid enough to get myself into an unpleasant situation of facing a sea of endless questions frm those who are "concerned".

Now that I’ve manage to convince myself further… the nxt thing I gotta do is arrange for an appointment to meet up with a lawyer to discuss this matter in detail & get the ball rolling. My medical & annual leave is in the negative now (will go into further details later). Can’t afford to take any more. But… on the 21st, I’ll be going to extract my 2nd wisdom tooth, and that’ll grant me [unpaid] medical leave for another 5 days. I will fix an appointment during one of those days. Probably either Thurs or Fri – coz it is a little difficult to speak the 1st few days after extraction. I hope I remember though. Hmmm… will set an handphone reminder to fix the appointment. Yeah ~ memory ain’t to good these days. My mind is full of one thing only - WoW.

Have I ever mentioned wad this goddamned game is doing to me? Time & again I look @ myself in the mirror. I gaze @ the nerd looking back and me and I never stop questioning – what the fark have I become? That unkempt hair straggled past the shoulders, sticking out in 100-and-1 directions. That pallid face filled with pimples & blackheads. That damned pair of glasses on the stubby nose hiding half-opened eyes. *sigh* unfortunately that is who I am right now. I keep telling myself, to go for a swim, to get a tan, to go have a haircut, to go for a facial, to get some new clothes… etc. but all those resolutions just go to Hell when I turn Phoenix II on and double click on the WoW icon in the top right hand corner of the screen after gazing @ the handsome Death Knight on me wallpaper. Holy tauren! How the fark am I ever gonna snag myself a guy if I look this way [n.b.: I don’t really need one, am sure I can survive pretty good alone. But having a partner in Life would be a bonus.]? Oh gwad… even that once flat tummy is starting to bloat out, that ass is starting to get flabby and the tighs are starting to resemble pig trotters (result of sitting on my ass like 8hrs a day in the office). WTF?

The only good thing that has happened the past mth is… I’ve stopped smoking. Lolx. Something unexpected, but toally welcome. I ain’t 100% over it yet though. Time and again I get the Urge, especially when I’m upset over something or when I’m in deep thought… or when I’m waiting for some aFk-er to get back so we can proceed with the raid. The Urge is hard to ignore. Gives me a certain sense of victory when I don’t immediately walk into my bro’s room to snitch a stick off him. Err why the sudden desire to quit? I really dunno. Itz just that, since I haven’t picked up a stick for a considerable amt of time already… I just wanna keep it this way and perhaps not smoke regularly ever again.

So how did that come about?

Well… it began with my 1st wisdom tooth extraction on the 10th last month. I took my “last” puff @ approx 11:30am. Then went in to face the evil man with drill. It took less than 3 min. The procedure was painless but the injections b4 that were “WTH” type. It bled like fck though… bit on a piece of guaze all the way home, replace the gauze and continued biting for like the better half of the day -.-“ Thank goodness my recovery process was uneventful. It’s advisable not to smoke during the recovery stage as it might hamper with the process. So I didn’t smoke. Not till that Sat when I lost my cool in Karazhan due to aggro-hold issues frm other guildies. That was just 1 stick. The week after, I took medical leave + annual leave (that was 75% due to sloth and 25% due to not feeling to good ~ and yes that is 50% of the reason y my medical & annual leave is now at it’s negative) and I didn’t leave the house during that time. No cigs. Too lazy to go buy. Fought off the urge. After that week, went back to wrk on 23/7/2008. Lasted 1 week and then I had stomach issues, that took me out for the rest of the week (3 days mc, 2 days urgent leave – the other 50% of the reason).

Today is the end of the week that I returned to work. Yeah, am still smoke-free and am glad I am. I just hope nothing screws up in my Life that badly till I’ll have to reach for a stick to calm myself down & retain my sanity. Thank goodess am not attached. A r/s is the best way to turn a person’s life topsy turvy. The divorce gonna be a tricky issue… and it’ll test my patience for sure… but am NOT gonna give it. I wanna quit. Lol yeah for no apparent reason other than I want to (which is the best reason in the world imo). I’ll make this promise to myself here today. Should I not pick up another ciggie till the end of this year, I’ll say then for sure, “I’ve quit smoking”… and will obtain bragging rights to that accomplishment. Wish me luck, really ^-^

Overseas study wise, I’ve been toying with the idea of simply taking the plunge. Raise enough or take a loan to handle the Foundation year studies and see if I make the mark. I mean, itz pointless to worry about raising 380k when I can’t even get past the door rite? Of coz, should I do that, WoW will have to take a back seat – I’ll probably pass the GM duties to another and demote myself to a purely weekend raider. It will be difficult but am willing to do so, for the grade. Of coz putting in effort doesn’t necessary mean being able to attain the grade – but it would mean that at least I’ve tried. If I have tried, and failed… well, I’ll have no choice but to return to Singapore & think of what I wanna do nxt. But if I pass, ah hah ~ I’ll be on the way of attaining my dream. Whether the dream will turn out to be a nightmare or otherwise, I don’t know rite now… but I know I’ll be kicking myself in the ass if I don’t even try. As to raising the $ if I am accepted into vet school, well, I’ll think about crossing the river when I get to the river =S

Another case of all talk no action? ROFL I really not not!! So when will I take any form of action? Let me get my divorce settled 1st. Once that is done, I’ll apply for entry into foundation studies. Deadline to commence foundation studies? Year 2010. Damnit. I’ll be 29 then, I know. Thatz fcking old… but well, I guess itz then or never. If things go well, I’ll commence university studies when I’m 30, graduate @ 36. *sigh* Doesn’t sound too appealing huh? Considering that there’ll be others who are like a full decade younger starting on the same level. Am 10 years late. Hell ~ better later than never I suppose. That is only IF things go the way I plan. All I can do is keep fingers crossed & take things as they come. Bah!! The unpredictability of “Real” Life (not that the "Virtual" one is much better).

PS. Have fixed an appointment with the hairdresser on this Sunday. Hopefully that'll save me from looking like a total washout -.-"

:: "VIRTUAL" LIFE ::

My sentiments are reflected in the following quote, from Rochelle of Tank! Hard

"I found lately that I really hate everything in WoW except arena and raiding. Doing daily quests is physically painful for me. I go crazy flying around looking for mining nodes. I am terribly overgeared to do heroics or regular 5 mans and I am accustomed to a high level of play from those around me so pugs make blood shoot out of my eyeballs. Alliance in my battlegroup just turns off their brain when they enter a battleground and sometimes it seems like they are actively working against their team. I have run Karazhan approximately 122394512341 times. I never liked ZA. I kinda like leveling characters so I might get a few of my mid level characters up to 70 over the next few weeks."

Alright, I gotta admit. My guild hasn't gotten that far in progression like Rochelle's did. Triple Moons is still ain't how I wished it would be... but there have been some visible improvements. Guild issues aside for now, that is exactly how I feel these days. I hate doing the dailies. Despite the nice gold that is barely sufficient to cover my plate repair costs & periodic spending sprees, it is extremely painful to do them. Not only does the routine bore the hell outta me, it sux big time when I get ganked in the middle of doing them – and boy do I get ganked. A prot warrior is quite a tasty target imo. They take a fcking long time to die, but for sure they can’t do shit back to u (unless u are a rogue and u are alone). I ain’t gonna go into the frustration I feel against horde & how much I wish those low-lifers will just decompose – well, I won’t go into details on this post at least. Back to the topic, dailies. *sigh* I love the gold, really. I need the gold. I just can’t bring myself to do those quests over and over and over again every single fcking day. Flying around looking for nodes, no thanks. I never did that, and am not gonna start coz I know I’ll need a ciggie if I ever do that.

The issue about PUGs in heroics, being accustomed to a higher level of play. That I can relate to. Me and my regular heroic mates are now sufficiently geared to complete a heroic in less than an hour (with exception of the longer TK ones eg. Botanic, Arcatraz… etc.). h. UB will probably just take us 45-50min, and yes, that is with wasting time between pulls talking shit like we usually do. Hence, when I end up with a lower-geared guildie or with a pug that passes the 1hr mark, I get impatient. Plus, I get extremely frustrated when I die. 1 death means abt 5g repair on my Erulisse rite now, and abt 3g repair on Ainarielle. Wipes during heroics are no longer tolerable. Neither are wipes & deaths in Karazhan. Yeah I know, I can still remember how long we took back in “those days” but this is NOW. Those days are history. With such gear, I shouldn’t put up with this kinda shit… hence, I barely PUG on Eru anymore. I might PUG Aina now and then… but thatz coz her deaths don’t cost that much and there’s always the chance to vanish to avoid a repair fee altogether. I refuse to do dailys for gold, remember? Hence I dun wanna make my cash-tight situation worse. I don’t even need loot in heroics anymore for both of them. I just do them, for badges. And coz I’ve got many other things I have to do, yes, lousy pugs just make me wanna shoot blood outta my eyeballs.

Progression wise, am not even halfway near where Rochelle is. Rochelle is 7/8 T6. I’m only with 2 pcs of T4 + SSO badge vendor gear. I can’t imagine how I’m gonna feel when I’ve reach that stage of play. If I ever do that is.

My doubt spawns from the situation of my guild. I’m the GM of TM now. Head’s quit WoW for good, and yeah, he did so w/o a word to the displeasure of some guildies. *sigh* Have been trying my best to improve the situation and though it isn’t progressing as quickly as I hope it would, certain things have improved – and it those slight improvements that keep me away from deserting them though frankly, there’s never a day that I don’t think of simply disbanding the guild. The players keep me there too. I adore my guildmates more than they’ll ever know I do (with exception of the pansy). They gave me something invaluable – a “home” to return to after a long day @ wrk. They may seem like jerks to some, but beneath all that shit, the majority of them are actually really sweet. I guess I think… I might be able to just forgo WoW ambition to stick with them. The same mind vs heart conflict I had mths back. That conflict will never fade until I find a balance I suppose. Then again, it might be just me who has too high expectations of others. Ah well ~ I guess I'll figure out a decision someday. For now I just gotta take things a step and a time and try to resist the urge of a guild quit >.<

Anyway improvements include – we have a guild website set up and new forums that has seen more traffic than the old ones. We’re posting raids on the forum & guildies are starting to make use of it. I’m still responsible for the bulk of the posts, but seeing more than 1 name on the thread is an improvement from before. Nth I and the officers can do about this. Can only hope that in time, the other guildies will get into it as well.

Also, we’ve gotten 2 raid teams set up – Team Alpha & Team Omega. Team Alpha (the one that Eru is MT of) has recently moved into Zul’Aman (3/6 bosses 1 timed chest). New content. Finally!! Am going for a 4/6 run this weekend + 2 timed chests and with luck we’ll be able to attempt Hex Lord. Then Zul’jin next week. Lol ~ yeah players are still being “idiots” here and there... but on the overall I think Team Alpha is doing good. We could have done better, if Blizz didn’t screw us up during our 1st 2 attempts. Saving ½ the raid team in 1 raid ID, and the other ½ in another during our 1st ZA run is just fucked up, and the repeated d/c-ing of Telstra users last week was !#%!&~. Both times, raid got called… this week, it better be different!! Karazhan farming for Team Alpha is now down to 4.5hrs. Nice, but not good enough. Goal is a < 4hr run. With our gear, with our skills we can do it. Itz just the aFks and bloopers now & then that is time wasting.

Team Omega still needs some work though. Have recruited a few New Moons during the past 2 weeks (thanx to the effort of nasi)… some turned out to be assholes & ended up booted, some left due to reasons unknown, one was lost due to a misunderstanding… but the few who remained look promising. It’s also great that I no longer have to bother myself with both raid teams and just concentrate on guild matters on the whole – have left them to the appointed raid leaders. Though I never wanted this GM mantle in the 1st place, well, I gotta admit it is pretty nice to be “in charge” of things. I just hope that guild politics will never surface!! Dun wanna ruin the r/s between guildies coz that r/s is the glue thatz holding everything together! Anyway ~ as I was mentioning, Team Omega needs a little work, to fill up the core slots. Tanks are settled. Will need to settle heals & then gather Kara experience on the overall for the team. Have faith that it could be done in time.

Hopefully it won’t take too long for Team Omega to get geared up and set Karazhan on farm too. It shouldn’t take as long as we did with Alpha – Alpha was a mess coz Alpha wasn’t really set up till recently, as no one really bothered with administrative stuff back then and everyone was just waiting for Head to return to fix things. On a side note, am annoyed with Head for doing things this way. It sux really. He shouldn’t have left w/o a word and shld have handed the GM title over to someone else (doesn’t have to be me – coz I don’t really think am a fabulous leader) who could change things sooner. Perhaps if he did, we would be past ZA and raiding SSC/TK… maybe even BT by now. But now that is over, I really hope things could pick up to make up for lost time. The objective for forming Team Omega is to have another 10 raid-ready members to move on to 25-man content. We’ll need that headcount post ZA.

Orei (who is in a hardcore raid guild) mentioned that he spent too much time on WoW already not to see end-game content. Well, know what? I fcking feel the same. I don’t wanna turn TM into a hardcore raid guild. I just want to see more commitment, more dedication… more progress. I want TM to be one of the few casual raiding guilds who actually CAN make it on Barthilas. I want TM to reach the point whereby… we don’t have to advertise on Trade channel to gather new members. Instead ppl wld have heard of us, and would want to join. I won’t compare us to established guilds like Reincarnation or Vestige. I just don’t want us to remain unknowns forever. The guildies are wonderful people, they deserve it.

That’s why I’m still there.

I declined moving Ainarielle to Dreadmaul, even if that meant I would have progressed further than ZA. I don’t deny that part of the reason y I didn’t move her is coz I was skeptical of Mai’s offer. Well ~ rite now there is no space for me on his guild… am thankful I didn’t move Aina over anyway. But I might… I just might search for another guild for Aina, one that raids more than once per week. Am getting bored of simply waiting for the weekends to raid, am getting exasperated when I post a raid & no one signs up… etc. I ain’t giving up on them… but for sure, I don’t wanna be held back. Problem ish, there are too may rogues in Barth already. Everytime I LFG for heroics or raids, I see rogues. TM too, is overflowing with rogues lol – alts aside, the 3 shadows + del + pancake and recently Nat = 6. Should I include alts Aina & Jeb, it’ll be wad… 8 rogues? Too many dude!! Max I’m willing to take into a 10-man is 2 rogues, and to a 25-man raid 4. But well… not all of our rogues are active so…

Ah well ~ once again, the best option is to take things as they come & cross toes for stuff to work out eventually. Not much different than what is going on with the other part of my Life =)

:: OVERALL ::

Whatever it is, despite all my laments and self-doubts, I think... I can safely say... I'm happy with how Life is (though it can always be better). For now.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:23

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

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