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Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else


I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free


Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel


Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone


No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try


Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye


Fade to Black - Metallica




Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life


Tuesday, January 15, 2008


13/01/2008. The game truly begins. Erulisse dinged to lvl 70 in the midst of a Durnhole run. A fruitful run for me, come to think of it – considering the chestpiece from Skarloc dropped (finally a chestpiece upgrade from my lvl 60 quest reward) & we managed to recruit yet another member into TM ^-^ After the run, it was a mad rush to get my flying mount then rushing off to Jap class. My bro has already started spending Gs on a better set of armor (and hell yeah, he could afford it coz with his druid flight form, he didn’t need to purchase a flying mount), enchants and gems. Am tempted to purchase armor… but thing is, I wouldn’t really wanna get a set of nice ones & then end up getting an upgrade from a run, rendering it useless. Don’t really have the time to do too much research either. /shrug

Anyway ~ very soon I can no longer avoid my “fate”. Respec. Initial intention was to respec when everyone’s ready for Kara. That’ll definitely give me time for some BGs and maybe a couple of Arena battles… but after attempting Shadowlabs on Mon with 2 guildies and getting our asses kicked by Murmur (wiped till everyone ended up with totally busted gear & we eventually gave up past 2am), am starting to hear the inner voice telling me to respec should we wanna go any further. Oh yeah… bro offered to be tanking in the meantime, till my respec. But looking @ things frm a broader view, it’ll mean that I become a liability. Sure I can go dps, but there’s no way I can match up to pure dps classes (Arms-Prot spec to begin with)… and should I
tank, am not too sure if I can hold agro well enough – lately itz been my bro tanking the trash mobs & then me doing the boss fights. Only thing is ~ if I do respec, it’ll mean my BG days are pretty much over & I might not be able to obtain the Gladiator set I want (and yes, the damn set will be useless should Eru go Prot).

Bleah, will leave the thinking to another day… am so freaking sleepy rite now that I might just doze off @ the PC. Falling asleep at work is just such a bad idea. Better force myself to sleep earlier each night or at least take a nap the minute I get home, b4 I start WoWing. The thing is – there are like so much stuff to do in game that I can’t really afford to spare time slacking away. Farming for thorium (bloody hell, am still stuck with Thorium, imagine that), farming for honor & marks in BGs (haven’t gotten luck getting into a premade yet so itz a downright slow crawl) Jeez… I really hope there’s server maintenance tonite. I really need an earlier-than-usual night w/o waking up to WoW.

Weekends are supposed to be for catching up on lost snooze, but instead I end up pushing more hours on WoW instead of sleeping. Let me recap the one that just passed. Friday – dinner, getting clothes @ This Fashion & American Gangster @ Cathay. The movie was so bad that I left the cinema in dazed mode, went home & promptly fell asleep. That was about 1am. 2am, woke up and WoW began. After everyone else went to sleep, I continued with BG. Sat morning, am still WoWing… wasted 2hrs+ in EPL helping some pally (and regretted that I did coz it came with a 7g repair) & 45min in VC with a new recruit. Noon, off to Sim Lim to get RAM for Phoenix & joined Valk for lunch b4 heading home. Went to sleep again ard 4+, only to wake up barely 4hrs later. It was only till early Sun morning, about 5am that I finally got to really rest…
and not wake up till 7hrs later. Hmm… *does mental calculations* Fri, Sat, Sun = 3 days. Total sleeping hours: 12. Thatz like half the recommended amount of 8hrs/day. Nuff said huh?

And I just have this feeling that... itz only gonna get worse >=)

PS. Had a 200% improvement last nite with the same team. Murdered Murmur after 2 wipes /gg Determination does pay off after all.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:14

Monday, January 07, 2008


I'm glad I went. I shouldn't have went.

Contradictory, yet again.

My cuz's wedding dinner last nite, thatz what I'm referring to.

The food was good (duh) & itz neat catching up with some of the cuz I haven't seen in a while. Gee... everyone's like all grown up now. Lolx ~ but I suppose some things don't really change. We're still the same bunch horsing ard like the kids we were in the past. Been such a long time since I last seen them though. Yeah I'm the kind who goes MIA during CNY & I don't exactly attend family "gatherings". Jeez, some of them even have kids that are like 2 or 3 already. The last time I saw them... think they just got married. Hahaha

I'm glad I went =)

Thing is, it wasn't 100% pure happiness for me. Oh yeah, am glad that my cuz found a girl to settle down with... but looking @ all those stuff going on... u know, those speeches, those lovey dovey looks the couple give each other... etc. bleah ~ face it, I am jealous. Itz just so f**king sweet. Itz just wonderful, isn't it? Finding the special someone whom u know is gonna be with u for the rest of ur life. I can't even remember how falling in love feels like anymore... and frankly, I don't think I can ever bring myself to trust anyone again. Oh rite, I might get hitched... on and off, down the road... but actual commitment? Actually cultivating the hope that a r/s might get somewhere? No thanx. This ain't fair, but itz difficult not to think of every guy out there as an asshole to a certain extent. After all the assholes that I've gone thru... lol all those bad judgement calls. Seriously... looking at all that back then, makes me wonder what in the world got me attracted to those folks in the 1st place. /spit

And all that is on top of the questioning I had to face frm my relatives. Yah lah, those typical questions of "where is ur husband"... and to those who don't know... it'll be "when is ur turn, where is ur bf?". Damnit. What I really wanna tell them is, I'm getting a divorce and the bf after my hubby, that didn't wrk out... so quit asking coz itz making me feel as if I'm doing something wrong for all this to happen this way. They were the jerk-offs, not me. Am glad that itz over coz they are unworthy.

*shrugx* ain't gonna make this evolve into yet another sob entry of mine. That, is in the past. The past is... (duh) the past. It ain't easy... and I won't say for sure that I've left my emotional baggage behind... but I daresay I'm better off than some others. *sniggers* At least I don't end up being "haunted by my past" when the festive seasons come. Oh yeah... I do feel the twinge of lonliness... but at ahhh fuck it, brush it away when I can... bury it when I can't... and if all measures fail... bleah. Am just rambling anyway... once again am in the queue to logon to Barth. Come to think of it... maybe one of the reasons y I'm so addicted to the game is coz... it does give me something to do.

3 more min... /yawn.

I betta sleep earlier tonite. Was dozing off @ wrk earlier & I think some colleagues noticed. Wouldn't wanna end up fired =X

Shady self-destructed @ 19:00

Sunday, January 06, 2008


Just came home frm a haircut & lunch with a friend I haven't met for quite awhile. In the server queue of 300+ *sigh* That'll be a minimum wait time of 20min am sure. Damn Blizz. Barthilas is so full these days that I gotta queue like crazy just to logon... not to mention, server seems to be having restarts waaaaay too often... oh yeah, and the frequent Stinknet d/cs. Nah ain't a problem with Phoenix here. Itz a mass d/c thing. Bleah, so many things I've gotta be doing. Gotta farm for more thorium, clear quests in Zanga & do an instance or two... but ah well ~ got a wedding dinner to attend later tonite so guess that will have to wait. Ain't prepared to give up on sleep. But lolx, yeah having lunch earlier was worth tha time spent lah. Can't possibly hermitize myself to that kinda extent. Casual gaming. Not hardcore gaming. That I gotta remind myself now and then... though at times it does seem a little difficult to draw the line.

Wonder how will the folks @ wrk react to my hair tml. I colored it. Looks kinda muted reddish-purple with streaks of brighter red. Hmm... I just hope the firm ain't too traditional. Not that I care terribly about the job, but since life has reached a little plateau now, let me enjoy the peace b4 any tremors occur again. Yeah ~ am no longer in the sole propriertor firm anymore. That hath ceased to exist on 31 Dec though I daresay, the last week spent in there was pretty much Hell... imagine wrking till 7pm on X'mas eve and almost 5 on new year's eve, having to go back on that weekend as well. I know I know, some folks got it worse, and I shouldn't be griping about it... but oei, fuck lah. My blog. Complain!! Anyway to look @ things on the bright side, at least I ain't going back that late in this new place anymore, an no longer do I have to do everything. The only troublesome part is now that there are more colleagues, I gotta start watching my back. Though itz pretty unfair to assume that there are "evil folks" ard, but itz always betta to be safe than sorry. No wrk place is w/o politics.

Heh... anyway, this is how Erulisse looks rite now. Lvl 68 warrior (screenie taken @ lvl 67) and finally I get a damn set of color-cordinated gear. Lolx ~ was a little tired of looking at a mismatched toon all the time. Hell yah, folks have mentioned that I'm just going for looks... but heyz, I'm the one playing rite? And at the end of the day, the point of gaming is to have fun. Not to get stressed up about too much stuff. That I gotta constantly remind myself too. Coz I find myself getting annoyed when instance runs don't go well due to certain reasons... and I'm starting to get a little patient at times. *shrugx* Guess itz just too many things to do, and too little time to do them. Gotta watch myself b4 I degenerate to the extent that WoW becomes no longer just a game, but a 2nd job.


You'll understand if you start playing. Hard to "see why" if you ain't "one of us". Lolx, but last Fri nite was cool. Took a short break of instancing and actually met the party offline for supper!! Yeah was in an all-sg guild. Done 2 instances... last one being Underbog. When someone asked, what next? Sleep or...? I couldn't help suggesting supper (I daresay though, at that point of time, I didn't think anyone would wanna take it up) & though everyone was living pretty far apart, we went for it. Haha ~ so instead of LF1M UB... it became LF1M supper. Bleah, gotta treasure times like this XD

Hmm... itz 2008 now. Time flies pretty fast huh? Had an eye infection during x'mas (what a wonderful prezzie) and spent new year eve @ sentosa with a bunch of mates playing Uno & other silly games like murderer and 007. That really proves that... it doesn't really matter what you do. What matters is the people you do them with. Yeah sure, we did miss the fireworks. We did no countdown & neither did we attend any countdown party & got all pissed drunk... but heyz, it was cool. Laughter, silly things, pain (coz of heart attack... u know, the game whereby u smack the hands of others when u get 4 in a row... not the real thingy). Guess all you really do need in life is a bunch of such friends u can hang out with.

Seems like I've got pretty much to be thankful about afterall... depsite all the shit I find myself getting into now and then.

Heh... should be able to enter login screen now. /vanish.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:53






.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page



Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.

In Progress

  • Dark Cloud 2
  • Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
  • Kingdom Hearts
  • Kingdom Hearts II
  • Wild Arms 3

In Queue

  • Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
  • Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
  • Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
  • Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
  • Dark Cloud
  • Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
  • Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
  • Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
  • Final Fantasy X
  • Final Fantasy X-2
  • Final Fantasy XII
  • Grandia III
  • Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
  • Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
  • Persona 3
  • Rogue Galaxy
  • Rule of Rose
  • Shadow Hearts: Covenant
  • Shadow Hearts: From The New World
  • Shining Force Neo
  • Silent Hill 3
  • Silent Hill 4: The Room
  • Soul Cradle [Jap]
  • Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
  • Suikoden IV
  • Suikoen V
  • Tales of the Abyss
  • Wild Arms Alter Code: F
  • Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

  • Ar tonelico II [?]
  • Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
  • Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
  • Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
  • Digimon World Data Squad
  • Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
  • Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
  • Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
  • Drakengard
  • Drakengard 2
  • Dual Hearts
  • Elvandia Story [?]
  • Ephemeral Fantasia
  • Eternal Ring
  • Evergrace
  • Forever Kingdom
  • Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
  • Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
  • Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
  • Growlanser Generations
  • Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
  • Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
  • Jade Cocoon 2
  • Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
  • Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
  • Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
  • MS Saga: A New Dawn
  • Musashi Samurai Legend
  • Odin Sphere
  • Okage: Shadow King
  • Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
  • Radiata Stories
  • RPG Maker 2 [?]
  • RPG Maker 3 [?]
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
  • Shining Force Exa
  • Shining Wind [?]
  • Shining Tears
  • Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
  • Steambot Chronicles
  • Summoner
  • Summoner 2
  • Tales of Destiny [?]
  • Tales of Destiny II [?]
  • Tales of Legendia
  • Tales of Rebirth [?]
  • Tales of Symphonia [?]
  • The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
  • Tsugunai: Atonement
  • Unlimited Saga
  • Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
  • Wild Arms 5 [?]
  • Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
  • Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
  • Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
  • .hack//Infection Part 1
  • .hack//Mutation Part 2
  • .hack//Outbreak Part 3
  • .hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

  • Grandia II
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
  • Legend of Legia II
  • Shadow Hearts
  • Silent Hill 2
  • Suikoden III

Trash Bin

  • 7 Sins
  • Urbz: Sims in The City
  • Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...


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