Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Friday, December 21, 2007

/sigh am officially 26 now. With age comes responsibility... and the urgency to "do something" with my life. Something aside from decomposing in a dead-end low-paying job. *shrugx* Work hasn't been good these days. Itz getting more & more difficult tolerating the endless nag nova the Level ?? (boss) b!tch dishes out. Time & again I get nonsense about being "unwilling" to put in extra hours - even though I don't even remember the last time I left @ 6pm anymore. Itz Fri today & I just know itz gonna be really bad. The only consolation? Itz the weekend after I get thru' the next 10 or so fucked up hours. Yeah ~ I don't foresee myself going home anytime after 8pm... after what I did on Wed.

/cackle. It waz my bday then. Dragged myself to work though. Boss called at 9:30am and unleashed hell. Not wanting to fuck up the rest of my day, I simply settled the "urgent" matters and left the office b4 she came in. Oh yeah... she did call my handphone to kick up a fuss, even tot he extent of asking me to just 'take the meds & come back to work'. Lolx ~ what in the world gave her the idea that I'll agree? Haha... it was difficult sneaking outta the office alredi, and after all that wait @ the clinic, I'm supposed to just give up my MC and return for another half day of crap? Hell NO!! What I did instead, was simply enjoy myself at home... till dinner with my parents at Fish & Co and [ National Tresure: Book of Secrets ] at VivoCity, midnite. Then yeah, it was WoW all the way till nxt morning since yesterday was a public holiday afterall.

Had a pleasant day >=)

*grinx* And yeah, thanks to all who'd wished me a Happy Birthday ~ either on the day itself, an advance before & belated. I really do appreciate it XD

Friends have been asking me to quit my job for quite sometime alredi. I might just do that... but not yet I suppose. Am starting at a new place the start of next year, and well, hopefully things would be better there. The salary is still the same. Low. But considering that itz a larger place, am sure there'll be more opportunity avaliable. Wonder how'z the wrking environment gonna be though - but doesn't matter. Told myself that I'm gonna just go in there "test water" for a fortnight and if things don't look good, time to turn to the Classifieds & online job sites once again. Hmm... do I regret not taking up the other position offered to me at that time? Well ~ nah. I do wonder how it would have been... but regret? Nah. That was a 6-day work week thingy afterall, so it might have been worse (though the pay was definitely better).

Jia lat. Falling asleep now. I just hope I've got enuff energy to last thru' the day. Bleah. Itz kinda sad siahx... that the only thing I look forward to every single day, is the end of it when I can finally close my eyes & rest. Lolx.

Gotta post a screenie of Erulisse in her winter wear soon ^-^

Shady self-destructed @ 09:50

Monday, December 17, 2007

Slightly more than a week to Christmas, 2 days more to my bday. Hmm... no idea why but "events" like these tend to magnify the feeling of lonliness that I try to ignore each day. Can't really explain why, but everytime such "events" are here, it kinda makes me wanna have someone to share them with. Blame it on luck, or the lack of it - the last time I actually had someone for such times was... err... a very long time ago. Itz pathetic, I know. Feeling lonely. It just reflects an inabilty to well... be alone. Sheesh. Thought I should have gotten over such feelings by now. Somehow, they still come, and I can't help it. Though I daresay, itz so much easier to keep them in check... so much easier to simply ignore it when the "waves" come. Such feelings and more... eg. the sinking disappointment when surfaces when someone doesn't respond to my SMS (I shall not elaborate on who this someone is); the bubble of irritation when I see certain nicks on MSN... etc. But gah!! Such things don't kill - not immediately that is, though I do think that a buildup of such feelings do have a certain impact on mental health that in turn affects everyting else - they just annoy.

Someday... the day will come when I'll manage to seal myself behind an iceblock that last for more than 10 secs, though I am no freaking mage.

Does all that above make any sense? Bleah ~ itz a Monday morning. The words don't flow too well. The brain is still recovering from the heavy gaming weekend (heavy on the hours... but not much gain in terms of levelling & instance running). The only thing I'm looking forward to? Is the PH on Thursday. Why? Lolx ~ well, public holidays are always good. It'll give me more time to WoW ^-^

Anyway yeah, speaking of WoW. Not much gain the past weekend. Due to a clash in timing with my usual party members (+ me falling asleep on Fri nite at 11:30pm & not waking up till the nxt morning), didn't manage to clear any quests in Hellfire, nor did we manage to go to any instance. Looking @ things on the bright side though, well... managed to get my retardin up to lvl 16 and my gay priest till lvl 17. Also finally managed to obtain enough mithril & gotten past the 260 "block" on blacksmithing... turned in the thorium needed and now I can make those imperial plate armor!! Just the belt, bracers & shoulders for now. Will need bs 300 should I wanna be able to make the rest of the pieces too. Bleah ~ wanted to level Ainarielle (coz I've been spending too much gold on leather frm the AH) but just couldn't find the time to. Feel like kicking myself for falling asleep on Fri nite.

But hmm... one "accomplishment" this weekend is obtaining the Worg Pup I wanted!! From LBRS. Woohoo!! Haha ~ as I can't stealth... I had to drag ppl down with me to "do things the hard way". And bleah, it was difficult though we made it eventually. Haha guess u must be wondering, why the fuck izzit difficult since we are supposedly "over levelled" & wearing outlands gear... well. We had no proper cc. And the party was simply made up of, a lvl 63 warrior, a lvl 63 pally & a lvl 65 warlock. 'Nuff said huh?

Hahah and yeah that reminds me. Cleared Zul'Gurub... and got myself a pretty little epic shield!! Woohoo!! Had help frm a lvl 70 pally friend & a few other 70s though. Bleah ~ wiped a couple of times @ 1st... when we gotten to Hakkar. Haha ~ were being overconfident then... trying to do it with just 9 group members. Think itz like what... a 20-man lvl 60 raid & we had 3 lvl 60+s and 6 lvl 70s. Dps was just way too low and when we added another 4-5 folks into the raid group, it became a piece of cake. Hmm... gotta try doing the rest of the lvl 60 pre-TBC stuff just for the fun of it sometime.

Well ~ now come to think of it. The weekend wasn't that wasted afterall. Now to get past the next 3 days.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:05

Friday, December 07, 2007

All mood ruined by one phonecall to the office so freaking early in the morning. Who else could it be? Itz that Level ?? (boss) b1tch again, obviously... with a nag crit at this hour. And as usual, I just think thatz totally uncalled for. Hmm... I haven't been complaining about work much huh? Doesn't mean that there isn't any frustration to contend with day in and out. If it wasn't for the fact that this firm is gonna close down by the end of this year & join another, I would have handed in my resgination letter. Now itz just 3 weeks more. With the upcoming public holidays, hopefully I'll have determination to stick thru' it. Sheesh, doesn't help that I'm starting to regret the choice I made in the 1st place. Should have said f**k it to both job offers & continued searching for something else. Coz apparently, this is going nowhere either.

Just think. Am being paid a pittance of 1.5k per mth, when most folks of my age & qualification are getting about 2k. Yeah yeah I've got a 5-day work week... but trust me, if u add in all the extra hours on the weekday, u'll make at least a 1/2 day on Sat, am sure. So what am I so pissed off rite now? Simple. Level ?? (boss) b1tch called & nagged about me not putting in extra time at work!! knnccb lah. Said what - "you should be prepared to put in extra hours". Eh fuck you, understand? Hmm... on 2nd thoughts, no. Go fuck yourself, understand? You ridiculous old virgin. Have you ever wondered y the secretaries of ur firm keep leaving? This is why. No one likes to stay on after work w/o extra pay... and when people actually do, they still get nagged at. Itz like simi lan jiao lah hor!!!

Officially I should get off at 6pm. Just look @ this week. I got off at 8pm on Mon, 7pm on Tues, 6:30pm on Wed & Thurs. And she's telling me that I should put in "extra hours"? Heyz!! So what the fuck is it I've been doing all this while if not "putting in extra hours"? It doesn't help that I've to put up with her nagging the minute she comes to the office... now even the sound of her voice sickens me. Jeez... even my mum doesn't nag this much for gawd's sake. It must be all that sexual frustration (lack of sex, geddit?) she must be experiencing... or maybe simply menopause. Whatever it is, she better find something else to vent her frustrations upon coz I ain't sure how long I can tolerate this nagging. My patience is being testing every fucking day, and I've gotta drag myself to work every single morning. The only thing I look forward to everday is lunch & going home to WoW.

50+, single (never married, mind you), cranky old woman who is totally bitchy. I hope I don't end up this way. Know what? If I ever do show signs of becoming someone like this, someone please put a fucking bullet thru' my head.

The only thing consolation for me rite now, TGIF.

This weekend, I swear I'm gonna clear BRD & farm enough iron to get my Thorium Brotherhood reputation up to friendly - itz now still Neutral after turning in like 20+ stacks of iron. If I had sold all those stuff on the AH, that would have been at least 100g in my pocket. Bleah ~ blacksmithing is such an expensive profession to level. Finally got the remainder of my ornate mithril plans last nite... lol, not that I've got any use for it rite now, but hmmm frm the looks of it, it'll be quite a nice dps set for Loladini in the future - and for her tanking gear, the heavy mithril set & eventually the Imperial set. Yeah am gonna go for the Imperial one next - which means more farm to level smithing till 265. Itz a pathetic 248 rite now T.T wonder how long this is gonna take. It won't be that bad if the Horde aren't disturbing... but they always are. Itz only due to sheer luck that my friend was @ southshore yesterday evening that I got away unscathed. Stupid gankers.

Too many people need to get a life. Level ?? (boss) b1tch included.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:15

WOOOHOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Left: Neruneya, Synxx, Erulisse, Gck & Aryliene

Shady self-destructed @ 03:10

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

OMFG!! He's so f**king cute!!

kk... that sounded like totally bimbotic but those words did run thru' my mind when I watched [ Hitman ] last nite @ GV PS. Haha, don't ask me what I've got for guys who look like that (think Vin Diesel & Stone Cold Steve Austin)... he's just like totally charming. btw... well, saw some of Olyphant's pics on Flixster & he doesn't look that good with hair.

On a side-track... itz perfect that GV offers a special rate for members every Tues. Yep yep, am one of those with a "popcorn card". Though itz just 50 cents off the ticket price, it still rocks... coz well, Tues is the day that WoW undergoes server maintainence anyway. So the timing is just gooood, if u get what I mean. Heh, speaking of which, Wed morning is like the only day in the week whereby I don't wake up super exhausted. Sleepy /yawn... but not exhausted. I know I should really sleep by midnite if I wanna get the recommended 8hrs, but seriously lah, who the fuck sleeps that early?? =.=

Anyway, the movie. It kinda reminds me of xXx (maybe coz of the baldie image), and it sure does remind me of the Bourne series too. Nice guns, good amount of action, pretty decent plot & a pretty little slut... lol. I wouldn't complain even if I'd spent $9.50 on this & watched it on the weekend. Sure beats some of the crappy-looking movies that are out these days that I don't even think about watching eg. Enchanted, Fred Claus, Bratz... etc. But heh heh the producers sure did a great job in uhmm "glorifying" hitmen - making them look so damn cool - u'll know what I mean if u catch it - wonder if they'll end up taking flak for that. You know lah, those hyper-sensitive ppl who will go around saying... "no no, u should not put ideas in the minds of kids that hitmen are cool coz it will influence them to grow up that way" Pah!

Hmm... darn I missed Saw IV.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:17

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

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