Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Question of the Day: Should anyone even try to be nice these days?

Yeah being nice to someone brightens up the person's day... but why bother to even do that when someone else is out there fucking up yours? Ever thought of it? Oh ~ and worse... there are those who take it for granted when u are nice - u know the kind, give them an inch & they'll take a mile thingy? Before u know it, u have those mofos climbing all over ur head and doing some tippity tappity dance up there. Plus does kindess really beget kindness? I've always believed, and still do somehow, in "what goes around, comes around". Itz just that things that I've been seeing these days... makes me question that.

*shrugx* Anyway ~ just a random question that popped outta my brain suddenly - itz in absolutely no connection to what I'm gonna blog below.

Am just blogging from the office. Itz after ofc hrs, so am doing it in the open. Boss is gone. The only reason y I'm here is coz I'm supposed to meet a friend for dinner @ 7pm... and just minutes ago, received an SMS asking to meet 7:30pm instead. Hmm... this ain't the 1st time such a thing happened. The last time it did, I simply brushed it off. Now? Hah! Frankly, if it wasn't for the fact that he's leaving the country this Sat... I would have told him, forgeddit, we'll meet another time. Oh yeah ~ u can say that I'm being bloody fussy... but hello?! any idea how much I can do in 1/2hr? Well... if u are an mmorpg gamer, u'll understand. Time = exp. Even if u are not... just put it this way. Meet 1/2hr earlier = go home 1/2 earlier = sleep earlier. Got it now?

Wonder how the fuck am I gonna burn the nxt 45 goddamn minutes. Window shopping? Thatz just not my style... tmd. Should have made the "meeting time" 6:30pm instead.

Shady self-destructed @ 18:39

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I wonder if it'll ever get easier. Am getting more confused as the days go by @ work. Too much different stuff "pushed" to me w/o proper guidance from anyone. All I'm told is to look for a precedent file & refer to it. Hmm ~ I don't ask for spoon-feeding, but at the very least... tell me what I'm looking for? It doesn't help that the files are pretty messy if u ask me. Tons of duplicate copies here & there. Yeah yeah maybe u can say that everything's easy... just refer to an example & come out with something that looks like it... but idk... itz just confusing to me. Doesn't help that I get conflicting "instructions" from 2 different people - the other secretary & the lawyer. *sigh* I knew it was gonna be difficult... but guess I shouldn't complain coz I'm learning new stuff all the time. The only question is, whether whatever I've learnt is 'correct'... and when will it be b4 I get outta this confused mode. Ah well ~ will continue trying and hope my biological OS doesn't crash /gg

Am so darn tired. Think am spending way too much time on WoW, at the expense of my sleep. Hmm.. then again, even w/o WoW, think itz gonna be more or less the same too. Got up at 5am this morning (thanx to an sms frm DP & a call frm Brian - according to them they were contemplating between letting me sleep or waking me up but guess they knew what I really wanted) just to play b4 I leave for work. Reason? Server was under maintainence last nite, so I simply went to sleep early after some guitar hero [bro's got the guitar for his bday whoooot!!]. Apparently I can never get enough rest. But hmm... itz good. Am fine this way. Heh, at the very least, it'll give me a "back-up activity" to do when I've got no plans for a day. Then again... frankly, if I'm home, do u think I'll be sleeping? Gotta spend some time catching up on cross-stitch too... got one "due" this week. Damn -.-"

Aaahhhh it seems to be getting harder to level on WoW too... seem to be only able to do the grey & green quests solo. Most of the rest, I'll need help. Hmmm wonder if thatz the way it is, or if I haven't gotten the hang of playing yet. Met this guy irl last Sunday, who used to play WoW [ironically he + his friends who quit are playing iRO now] & he gave me a "lecture" about tanking, pulling... etc. haven't gotten the chance to experiment with that yet though *mumbles* Instances just take too long. Think I should just make it my aim to do one per weekend ~ just to gain some exp with it. Was sneaking a look @ the various armor & weaps on thottbot earlier and got myself even more... confused. Lolx. Hahah guess I should just take things a step at a time. Itz way too early to plan my eq now I suppose (hmm... though on RO I pretty much did it b4 going for rebirth - then again RO private server so guess it has to be done earlier with the increased exp rate ~ ahhhh I miss my SinX, and to think I finally got all the cards needed for the weap!).

Now the nxt thing to do is to influence my bro to start playing it too /gg he was pretty tempted when he watched me in BFD the other day. muahahahah ~ a future draenei shadow priest. Damnit, must get him to play a female toon... now that DP has created a female draenei too. Itz kinda cute to have an all-girl party ^-^

Know what ~ I just might buy an account for my bro as a belated b-day pressie when I get my 1st paycheck. Just think itz pretty ridiculous that we need the CD to create an account. I mean... both of us are living in the same house (yes I'm moving back soon), so why do we need 2 copies of the same darn game? Pfffttttt... one of Blizzard's money-making strategies I suppose. Have alredi sent them an email regarding this matter & am simply waiting for their response. Ack ~ I hope I don't have to buy both WoW & Burning Crusade... that'll be slightly more than $100 and ehhh my take home pay not that high to afford it easily hor!! Plus I've still got my main goal to save up towards... the trip to Japan next year. I really can't wait to go there (and trust me, thatz not only becoz itz Japan)! XD

Shady self-destructed @ 12:46

Monday, August 27, 2007

Hairspray. One hell of a good movie. To me, that is. Watched it @ The Grand Cathay last Fri and boy didn’t I regret it! In fact, loved it so much that I’ve just gotta get my parents to watch it as well – bought the tix for them online for the Sat session. *grinx* Yeah I simply adore musicals. No idea why… I just do. Anyway it was one movie that got me smiling all the way – from the beginning to the end. Ookie… it helps that there were 2 cute boys: Zac Efron (a little young, but my goodness… just look at his eyes) & James Marsden (yes, that’s Cyclops to you). Lolx and itz hilarious looking @ Travolta in a fat suit.

Anyway, it was labeled a “feel good” movie in TNP’s review… and yeah, for once I do agree. Itz a story about how dreams come true… and where the girl gets the cute guy, despite being… well, big. But boy can she moooove - damnit manx, if only I can do that too!! *shrugx* Hmm... Michelle Phieffer is still gorgeous at her age. Wonder how the f**k some women manage to do that. I dunno… u just gotta watch it to understand what I mean. And yeah ~ I intend to watch it this a 2nd time someday… when I have time to get it from the Monkey. Gahh... itz been awhile since I last watched a movie I liked so much XD

Shady self-destructed @ 12:30

Friday, August 24, 2007

TGIF. Never had the need to say that before coz I normally work on Saturdays as well, but now that I'm doing a 5-day week... yeah... TGIF. Really. Not that I'm gonna spend the weekend catching up on sleep [on the contary, it's gonna be worse - I just know it], but not having to force myself to wake up that early in the morning & be turned into the ham in various metal sandwiches on the way to my parents' place is a relief. Trust me, Upper Bt. Timah can be a f**king pain in the ass during peak hours - the road condition is one thing, the way the lanes are done up... bleah... causing idiotic drivers to lane change here & there. Goddamnit lah!! If u know u gotta make a left turn up ahead, can't u just ensure that u move into the correct lane beforehand? Dun jam up the bloody road lah!!

My schedule rite now? Mon, work, parents place, sleep; Tues, take bus back to Bt. Panjang for tuition then head home; Wed morning ride bike down to parents place, have breakfast then off to work, bike to tuition then home; Thurs same as Wed; Fri morning is the same, after wrk have dinner then ride home for overnite gaming; Sat morning tuition... then rest of the day "unscheduled"; Sunday anything, aside from Jap class in the noon. Of coz there are always impromtu changes to the timetable now & then... but yeah, seems like weekends are always more xiong than weekdays coz I try to fit in meeting up with friends too. *nod nod* Am trying my best to retain some resemblence of a social life despite all this. bgr nah (yah lah ~ and no one wants a girl like me oso)... but friends are still impt to me.

Well ~ coming to the end of my 3rd week here... am still alive somehow. Aside from the fact that I'm having difficulty picking up the things I should - due to lousy guidance (for a detailed story, u can ask me on MSN) - and am slacking off @ work now and then... well I guess, if the boss is willing to keep me around in the company, I'll stay. Am still "under probation" so I gotta keep my fingers crossed that I won't be given the boot in a few mths time!!

Lolx, of coz... one impt factor that decides my fate in this company is whether I'll be able to apply for block leave nxt year. Hmmm if boss says that itz still within my 1st year hence no, but it'll be approved for subsequent years... then okay, fair enough - we'll just have to postpone our Japan trip (damn!)... but if itz made clear that such block leave will never be approved, then I've gotta start searching for something else lioax. Yeah ~ this may be a 'small reason' to some folks, but to me... well, just put it this way, I'd like to fulfil my world-travel "dream"... one country @ a time. 1 country per year, 2 weeks per trip. *shrugx* Yes, someone like me still has dreams somehow.

I know. I've placed too much Hope in too many things b4... so why am I still doing this? Well ~ just put it this way. Like all other humans, I do need substantial reasons to stay alive too... and something to look forward too. Rite now, thatz the only thing I dare to put faith in. Coz somehow, I know I can do it.

*shrugx* I never asked for anything much I suppose. I don't ask for all the money in the world, I don't ask for power... etc. Well ~ I guess some of you do know this, what I want is just someone to spend the rest of my Life with - a companion for my never-ending journey. And yeah... maybe that is too much to ask for. Guess it's something that will forever remain a "dream" for me... coz itz something I dun really feel like searching for anymore. Itz just too troublesome... and not to mention, all that struggling with sanity, internal conflict... etc. what result did I obtain eventually? Nothing, except the shards of my shattered pride. Nice huh? It all boils down to luck lah - finding the person who can appreciate me for who I am... and someone I can appreciate for who he/she is. Anyone who has ever played any game or who knows me long enough will know my... luck for such matters.

Just look at my dice throws, 'nuff said.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:49

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Tuesday. Hmmm slightly better than Monday I suppose. Met up with an old friend for dinner last nite - someone from my poly days. Lost contact with him somewhere along the way actually, and it's just a huge coincidence that I noticed he viewed my Friendster profile (though he couldn't be sure it was me then). So yeah, got his MSN, then his contact no... and thought that I should just drag him out for dinner to see how he's morphed into. It's been what... more than 5 years since I left NP. Hmm ~ he ain't exactly in my faculty... can't remember how I met him, but back then, I was wrking @ GV and he would like drop by every now and then, wait for me to finish wrk then go catch a 9+ movie together. Then occasionally we'll makan at canteen 1 when we happen to have the same lunch break (damn I bloody miss the food @ NP). Those were the days /gg

Anyway phew ~ he looks pretty different now, with that short hair of his. Used to be that kinda "beng" long hair cut. But yeah still can recognise him lah... his eyes doesn't change. Still the large pretty ones I've remembered (gotta admit though, I kinda liked him back then). Conversation was weird... at times had to dig for things to say. Itz been so long afterall... dun really know what to talk about. The typical stuff like - "what have u been doing since then", "what u working as now"... yadda yadda are like #%&~ so I didn't really wanna go into that. But I guess, on the overall it went on pretty good. At least I didn't find myself dozing off or something. Then again, thatz just my pov. He might think differently. Hmm... ah well. Whatever ya?

Ehh why the fark am I blogging about that anyway?

What did I actually wanna blog about. Let me see. Just had a comment about my gaming habits. Hmm... I got to know this woman frm one of my mIRC bo liao chats, and she has me on her MSN. So earlier, she msged me asking how did I spend the weekend - simple, I just told her it was grinding, farming & questing on WoW. Then she asked me whether if I see myself still gaming 10 years from now. Told her that I'll still be gaming... but will probably no longer be on WoW. She continued to say that it's a phase that I should grow out of coz "women have better things to do with their time". Itz like... doh? I barely know u and here u are suggesting the kinda lifestyle I should lead? Plus u know how I feel about ppl trying to interfere with my Life (I'm the kinda "do anything that you want, as long as u really want it" person). Then she went on to suggest self-training seminars... yadda yadda that kinda shit. Itz like... *yawn*. What kinda woman is she? Well the kind thatz into makeup, self-pampering, parties and those kinda "wild stuff". Whore, if u ask me (I've got other reasons for saying that... itz just that I ain't blogging it down)... but I never did tell her to be less of a slut.

Anyway... the irony is, her MSN nick reads "Be Yourself & No One Else".

Apparently I'm not the only one who self-contradicts.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:44

Monday, August 20, 2007

Oh gawd, am feeling so goddamned sleepy even though I did get 8hrs of rest last nite. I just hope that this workday ends soon, so I can go home... have dinner, then knock out. *shrugx* Guess this is what folks label as "Monday blues". Frankly, I never felt that before [in my previous job with the damned language school, I simply felt annoyed & sleepy no matter the day; and while tutoring, it wasn't this bad!] & I don't like it. Gahhh am like nodding off @ the desk rite now. Working people should really spend the weekend "recovering". What did I do? I spent the weekend exploring the lands, sacrificing much sleep.

Lette me do a recap [for my own sake more than anything else]. Friday: no tuition so had dinner @ parents place after wrk, left pretty early... got back to Bt. Panjang about 10+ then it was gaming till 6am. Sleep ~ Saturday: woke up 10am, raining so got myself in game till 12+, left for tuition... got home approx 2:30pm, had lunch & more gaming till 6pm when I took a nap, got disturbed by phonecall at 8+, had a quick dinner & gamed somemore, 12+ took a nap till 3am... woke up and never went to sleep till Sun nite 11:45pm (of coz during Sun it wasn't gaming all the way - I actually did go out, skipped Jap class due to a lunch buffet... etc).

*mumbles* Now tell me that wasn't suicidal.

It didn't help that on the average, I get only about 4-5hrs of slumber per night. Think this has to change if I wanna prevent myself from fainting on the desk at work. I daresay itz pure willpower that's keeping me awake rite now. Should I allow myself to close my eyes for too long a duration, I'll fall asleep for sure. And trust me, it's damn tempting to let that happen rite now. If only there's a good place that I can go & take a short power snooze. Uhmm... the toilet isn't a good evnironment to sleep in, don't even think about it. Gahhh how the fuck am I supposed to last till 6pm or later?

Maybe it was a mistake starting on a new mmorpg. Or maybe all I need is simply more self-discipline. Whatever it is, I just hope I dun end up doing the same stuff I've always condemned - totally trading real life for game life. Yeah ~ I believe WoW has destroyed many irl r/s... and frankly, I can understand why [note: "understanding" ain't equivalent to "forgiving"]. It's especially if you are high levelled & part of an active raid guild. I've seen the recruitment calls from some guilds. They have established raid times and demand like 75-80% attendence from their members. I looked @ those times, itz like after office hours and all on weekdays & more on weekends. Fair enough? Hmm... yeah it is okay I suppose, if you are single & doesn't have much of a care in the world. But if u are attached... having such a timetable is just gonna fuck up ur r/s. Imagine having a bf/gf who doesn't wanna come out with u (and gives u the lame excuse of being 'tired' after a hard day at work) just coz s/he has to take part in raids to stay in his/her guild? Now that's just kinda sad isn't it? I suppose it's okay if both parties are doing the same thing & gaming together... but chances are, that doesn't happen irl.

I just hope I'll never become that fucked up... and in the case that I acutally do, I pray that I'll have the humanity remaining not to fuck up another person's life coz of the path I've chosen.

10:24am... another 8hrs or so to go *sigh* doesn't help that no one is chatting on MSN rite now. That always makes time pass more quickly. Feeling like a n00b @ work doesn't help improve the mood either. So many short forms... "CTC" lah, "M&A" lah... wah piang, frankly... SMLJ?!

Shady self-destructed @ 10:31

Friday, August 17, 2007

*sigh* Some goodbyes are forever. Some things are just gone for good. Been thinking about that the entire way home. Itz funny, that something that may seem so insignificant to another actually threatened to allow my tears to just spillover. Had to resist the urge though. Ain't safe to be tearing while squeezing in between vehicles. Itz been what... 3 years alreadi? Manx. Time does passes damn quickly huh? 2003. Yeah, that was the year I finally got my class 2B license. About a mth after obtaining it, I got Harusame. Know what? Her COE expires on July 2009. Barely 2 years more... and I'm gonna be stuck with decisions again. Whether to get the COE renewed or just let her become a lump of scrap metal.

I know, I know. Itz stupid to develop feelings over a bike... but trust me, she isn't the only inanimate object that I've "gotten involved" with. Gahhh I'm pretty surprised at how strong my feelings are... considering that I barely take care of her. Itz been more than 1 yr since I last washed my bike actually -.-" and more than 6 mths since I sent her for servicing. Well ~ there are people who suggest that I just get rid of her now... push her into any bike shop that will take her & get another SP. *shakes head* Thatz one option that will never be taken. I ain't her 1st owner - I am her 6th. But she's my 1st bike. Am not too sure if she's gonna be the last for me, but I just don't want her to go to anyone else. Selfish I am, maybe. Even if I were not to renew her COE, am gonna ensure that I'll be the one who is with her all the way. *shrugx* I know ~ that sounds a little childish... but still...

Itz just the thought of pushing her into a bike shop, telling the shop owner to send her for scraping, saying goodbye and never seeing her again that makes me so unbalanced. I just know that, if that day comes, I'll leave the shop in tears & will probably "mourn" for the nxt few days. By then I should have gotten my class 2A alredi, and will probably upgrade to a bigger cc bike... but... argghhhh I don't even know how to describe this feeling.

I just can't believe I'm going all emo over this.

Shady self-destructed @ 21:52

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Itz gonna be soon now. Approx. 3 days + 13hrs more. Come Friday night, I will embark on a whole new journey altogether. *grinx* Sounds damn dramatic rite? Hahaha ~ well, as usual I’m sleep-deprived… and when I don’t get enough rest, my brain goes into overdrive & I start embellishing things with more fuss than required (maybe I will make a good bard). Right. Now where was I? A journey. Yeah… am scheduled to begin my exploration of the world of Azeroth - a brand new game, a brand new world, a brand new… well everything. Lolx. New for me, that is... something that I should have done sometime ago >=)
So how did that decision come about? *shrugx* Saw my “momma” play it @ her place, while I was struggling on Kingdom Hearts (or was it Guitar Hero?)… and yeah thought it looked pretty good. Mentioned that I’ll start playing once I get a job, and now that I’m 1 week into it… guess I should keep my word. I know, I know… it’s a bad idea to actually start a new game, especially a mmorpg, when I’ve got such a packed schedule, but like I mentioned, this is long overdue. DP did ask me to play before, but back then, I was occupied with something else. Figured out that if I don’t start sometime, I never will… so here goes. Went out the get the game at SLS yesterday evening. Will install it probably either this nite or the nxt & start the patching process. Got the 60 days pre-paid card as well, so guess I’m bound for at least 3 mths. It’ll definitely be longer, should I manage to establish some friendships there. Yeah ~ that’s actually the key to someone staying on mmorpgs – the other players.

Let’s see… DP is gonna be joining me & so is another friend of mine ^-^ So I suppose it won’t be that lonely in the start. Plus there’s always that friend of mine and her brother but their levels are like… bleahhhhh. It’ll take me forever even to reach 20 I believe, coz frankly I don’t think I’ll be able to play more than 2hrs per nite on a weekday (if I want to prevent “fainting @ work” from happening), and on the weekend, I’ll be over @ my parents place… so my gaming time will be directly affected by whether my bro’s home or otherwise. Not to mention, the new EPL season hath just kicked off, so with luck, Sat nites will be spent outside watching soccer somewhere. It’ll be much easier when I bring Phoenix back… soon I believe, I’ll move back. All this traveling in the mornings lately is draining my energy way too much - I will have definitely at least 1hr more of sleep if I don't have to make that journey.

*yawn* Well so far I’m coping okay I guess… am not too sure, coz I won’t know if I’m deemed as “screwing up” in the eyes of the boss. But hopefully this time I’ll not quit after like a few mths or something ~ and hopefully this will ‘go somewhere’. Am just tired of switching job scopes every now and then. Hmm… that doesn’t apply to overseas positions though. Am still keeping a lookout for one, and if I do find something, I’m outta here, outta this country. Heh… well, at the very least, I’m still using ebuddy in the office. Talking to friends while working does seem to make things a little better. I just hope the boss doesn’t say anything about it & bans me from using. Itz a small office afterall… can’t hide it.

Tuesday. 4 more days to the weekend. Gahhhh ~

Shady self-destructed @ 10:14

Saturday, August 11, 2007

"how many of us can actually just forget about the pain and love without fears? the first question overwhelmed me was.. can you trust yourself to love again?"

Lifted this off a friend's blog... well since I just woke up and am in a half-daze (which is when my words tend to flow w/o inhibitions)... let me try responding to those questions >=)

1st question. Simple answer. The only people who can forget about pain & live without fears, are known as "madmen". Anyone with minimal sanity lives with fear. Fear is a basic instinct. It protects you. Let's see... u touch a hot kettle... u go 'ouch'. Then u'll remember never to touch a hot kettle ever again. Get what I mean?

2nd one. Yes. You can trust urself to love again. The only question is - how much? Or rather... maybe it should be... how much do u love that person. Enough in order to override ur fears & take the plunging of "loving again". Everyone has had negative experiences in the past. Only those who are truly lucky can escaped unscathed (then again, are they the lucky ones for they'll never know the pain?). What matters is not how much u get hurt. What matters is how much u can recover after getting hurt - how much of those scattered pieces of pride u can pick up & move on... and whether u allow urself to be dragged down by burdens from the past.

Let me just put it this way. I think I've blogged this b4. Everyone has their own cross to bear. Ask urself, what size do u want ur cross to be, and how do u wanna carry it. Reach a river and u need to get to the other side... do u wanna still carry that cross even though u know u'll drown? Or would u rather place it down & continue with ur swim? Well ~ there is always the other option. F**k the river and take another route (or look for a bridge) to ur destination. But at times, Time is a luxury we don't have.

Makes sense? Dun worry if it doesn't to you. Coz it defys logic to me either.

But still... think about it. I'll see u tml, if u read this b4 then ^-^

Shady self-destructed @ 20:00

*stretches* The 1st week @ work is over. Hmm... haven't felt the full "force" of the workload yet I suppose, considering that there was a ph break in between. Yeah... National Day. Plus stop asking me whether I'd watched the NDP. I didn't. Was playing Kingdom Hearts 2 instead. Only dragged myself away frm the PS2 coz I had to have dinner. *nod nod* Guess thatz what affected me the most - the lack of gaming hours. Plus I'm way lagging behind when it comes to anime. Am gonna leave Phoenix on for the nite & hopefully tml I'll somehow get the time to do some catching up. Gahhh so many things to do, so little time. Only managed to do like 45min of stitching earlier - uber multi-tasking though... watching anime @ the same time & responding to msgs on MSN. Haha yeah multi-tasking ain't an option for me these dayz... itz a necessity. Should I not do that, I'll be getting even less than my usual 4-5hrs of snooze.

Well ~ sacrifices gotta be made I suppose. Actually am thankful that I ain't in any r/s rite now. I would be like so burnt-out if I've to handle all that nonsense that comes along. Not to mention, if I'm attached... I doubt I'll have any "Me time" left (coz I'm the kinda idiot who will meet up with my partner no matter how tired I am).

Gahhh I just wish I didn't have to do that much travelling. Town to Bt. Panjang, Bt. Panjang to town... etc. Then again, the tuition means extra bucks. So itz good =) Just hopefully I'll be able to switch my bio clock to "normal" again... yeah I know that'll mean sacrificing even more gaming hours but guess there's always a limit somewhere.

Fancy me talking about that when I've the intention to start on WoW nxt weekend /gg. Mentioned that to DP and guess what? He's gonna re-roll a character and join me too XD Hahah yeah speaking about gaming, TM on EbilRO is as good as dead -.-" Due to our inactivity I suppose. Guess there wasn't anyone to keep the guild together with both of us absent. Well ~ our PCs did happen to go down @ the same time. And frankly... I got quite exhausted after that race to lvl 99. I suppose I'll still login now and then if I've got the time, b4 I get WoW... but shame that most of the members have moved on by now. *sigh*

Tons of things happened during these few weeks. Apparently there was some friction between a few of the members (and till now, I don't know what really went on), so the guild simply fell apart. Gahhh... then I heard frm baby that Kev & maro got divorced - reason being there was another guy interested in maro... so Kev just let him have her. Thatz like !#%&!#&~ I just hope he didn't feel too down about it - he did tell me he was kinda "emo" after that though. No doubt itz "just a game", but am sure real feelings do get tangled in somewhere down the road. Damn. They were one of the more lovey dovey couples in our "family tree" back then. Gahhh... come to think of it, the damned tree doesn't exist anymore it seems... though he & baby are still calling me mom when they contact me on MSN.

See what I mean now, when good things don't last?

Shady self-destructed @ 04:04

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Ahhhhh gotta start keeping my fingers crossed. Been taking 1 step further into the planning process - just spent a couple of hours earlier surfing travel websites & checking out airfares to Japan. Damn. If I didn't have to work, I wouldn't have to worry. Waiting till after I return from Japan to find a full-time job ain't an option too. I know, it's still months ahead. But time flies faster than anyone can comprehend... 8 mths will be over in a flash. Though granted that there's no point worrying about things beyond my control rite now ~ will handle the obstacles as they come (which is nearer to the date) I suppose. I just hope I'll be able to take that much leave. Singaporean bosses don't seem too "kind" when it comes to such stuff. They only expect their employees to work, work & work. Can't they understand that normal folks like us have lives too? Just coz they don't, doesn't mean everyone doesn't!!

The plan? Hmm... date: 12 - 26 April 2008. According to the flight schedule, the plane will leave Changi airport at about 6am, and arrive in Tokyo 14:00hrs (their local time). Which is good, coz apparently DP has one that will arrive in Tokyo at 13:55hrs. Departure is slightly different, with his flight leaving like 2hrs before mine - but that ain't a worry. Anyway, it's roughly decided that we'll be visiting Tokyo & Kyoto. Plans are still sketchy now... but some places include Disneyland, Mt. Fuji, a hot spring and probably some temples & castles too. And yeah, will be taking a chance bunking into a capsule hotel when we're in Tokyo. For the rest, we should probably end up squeezing into a single room ^-^

You know, it seems all nice talking about it rite now... making the plans & all. But I wonder if I should get my hopes too high. On his side, he'll be able to apply for leave for sure. Me? Everything will just crumble if my boss rejects my block leave. It is a small company afterall, with just 1 other staff. And she did mention during the interview that at all times, she likes to have 2 full-timers in the office. *sigh* Well, I don't have to apply for leave rite now... bad idea considering that I've only been working for 2 days. But I suppose we'll be finalising our plans by Dec... so yeah. Hopefully by then... Itz just gonna be one huge disappointment if we end up not going after all these mths of planning.

*nod nod* Yes, I finally found a job. The pay is pathetic (yes, trust me... I could earn the same amt working as a waitress in a cafe - more if I worked full-time in a pub), but I guess it's still better than $0. Hmm... if I save 1/2 my take home pay each mth, yeah, I'll be able to afford that Japan trip for sure. Which means - no more shopping sprees for me. Am still gonna hang on to as many tuition assignments as I can, for the extra cash. Gahh ~ initially I had the hopes that if I find something that pays good, I can quit all those assignments. But unless I wanna kiss that PSP, mp3 player and scv box goodbye... I gotta hang in there somehow. At least till the end of this year, or till they sack me, whichever is sooner. That'll be xiong, I know. Running from town to west area so often... but well, it's just something I gotta do. Then I suppose.. after I lose all those assignments, I'll go look for a part-time evening/weekend job. Will wrk @ a pub if that's what it takes.

Guess u can say that I'm burying myself in work... to get over certain stuff. But more $ is always good I suppose. Would rather spend all that energy on something than reaps substantial rewards than something that's no better than a gamble a.k.a. stupid r/s. No more manx. No more of all that nonsense... at least for now.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:05

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Oops!! Apparently my shopping "spree" didn't stop. Bought a few new pieces of clothes & undergarments on Sun + Cross Stitcher... the only lucky thing was that my mum paid for some of the items. And I guess that ain't gonna end. Got a haircut scheduled... plus I gotta get at least a new pair of jeans. Just realised on the MRT today that there's a hole @ a very strategic part /swt. It ain't that obvious coz my jeans are pretty loose fit, but still... -.-" Ah well ~ casual wear wise, maybe I should try make some changes to my wardrobe - break away from all that black tees & choose something more... well, colorful? Lolx. But no pink manx. NO PINK!! I fucking hate pink. Pink as part of a design, ok. Pink as in the entire shirt? No fucking way!! No pastel shades either. Makes me look "deader" than I alredi am.

Which means. Gotta get a tan.

Yeah... think I'm getting vainer. Guess that just comes with age - when u realise that time is no longer on ur side, and that all that "youth" is fading away. *shrugx* No kidding manx. Am starting to develop a tiny little tummy. F**k, just the thing I don't want!! Maybe itz time I'd start doing exercise again... my lazy muscles have been idle for like what, 4 years (since I left NP)? Must get back in shape - if I still can XD

Bleahhh ~ now it just sounds as if I've fallen in love. And guess what? Maybe I am afterall.

Shady self-destructed @ 01:14

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Pffttttt... instead of curbing my spendings, gave into temptation & did a little of shopping today (when what I really should be doing is cooping myself up @ home with my Jap textbook). Floss & clothes. Spent slightly more than $100. Well ~ the clothes are necessities I suppose. Formal wear. What I do need when I start working. *sigh* I just wish that it ain't necessary to dress up that way to work in an office environment. Who the fuck invented those kinda social rules anyway? That u gotta look "professional" to project the correct image. Or rather, who the fuck was the one who dicated what was formal & what wasn't? It all boils down to social norms once again. You know lah, the same thingy that dictates how girls should and shouldn't dress - dolling up to entice a man... etc. those kinda bullshit. Itz sad, but true. Everyone needs to conform to a certain extent, and I'm not talking about merely fitting in.

Conforming is what I don't like to do.

Not that I'm exactly a rebel. I'm of chaotic neutral alignment afterall, not chaotic evil or neutral evil - like most ppl tend to think I am. I don't think I purposely go outta my way just NOT to conform. That'll just be a fucking waste of time. Well ~ my point is, I don't like having to do things just coz I'm supposed to do them. I'll be fine if "formal wear" comprises of those comfortable t-shirt & berms that I adore (+ nice little converse shoes, that is!). I'll be fine if girls don't have to put on make-up and all those crap just to look attractive... or rather, I'll be fine if in order to look attractive, all u gotta do is put on that t-shirt & jeans combo. Lolx. Yeah ~ I'm a super casual person I suppose. Can't be bothered with all those damn accessories & trinklets that "normal" girls seem to adore.

Itz just unfortunate that I ain't born a guy.

Guys seem to have it easy. Long-sleeved shirt, pants + black shoes. Presto!! Formal wear!! Alrite alrite, there's still the tie... but it sure beats those stupid clothes women wear. I mean, there's like so many fucking types that itz a bloody headache even walking thru' the clothes section. Not to mention, there are those accessories that come with the clothes (and those teeny little handbags that don't seem to serve much of a practical purpose - how many stuff can u actually sqeeze into those things anyway?). Then there are those heeled shoes... that basically do nothing except hurt ur legs & lower back. And the worst of them all. Make-up. Till now I still don't see the point in doing it. Yah lah ~ it does help to make ugly girls seem a tad attractive, but seriously... all that effort? Not to mention, the horror ppl will go thru' when they see u w/o make-up. Hmm... and oh, did I mention that itz fake "beauty" anyway?

Bleah!!! Think I'll remain "ugly" all the time instead, thank you.

Itz just such a superfical world out there. Like I told a friend just the other nite. Guys are superficial while girls are materalistic. Hence u'll see pairings like - fat ugly rich guy + slim pretty trophy girlfriend. *shrugx* Like I mentioned b4 as well. I see the logic in going after guys who are healthy financially. Coz chances are, u'll end up with a bastard (I know, there are decent guys out there... but the % is so goddamned low that u'll be lucky to find one who is single). So u might as well get a rich bastard, than a poor one ^-^

PS. I still think that skirt is bloody short (only my boxers are shorter than it)... but hmm... I don't mind it that much >=)

Shady self-destructed @ 00:09

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Phew ~ after a few agonising days... and having to run over to my parents' & friend's place to use the Internet for job searching, Phoenix is back up & running. Apparently it was her heatsink that konked this time... replaced the BIOS battery as well. Thanks Brian, for helping me check it out. And thanx tuttle for offering to help too (paiseh, couldn't SMS u to tell u, coz my phone is under repair too... and ur no. ain't in my SIM card memory). *nod nod* Now all that's left is get my phone back. Manx ~ thankfully my dad paid for the repair. Am seriously outta moolah for this mth - badly in the negative alredi. And I've still gotta renew Harusame's road tax.

Hmm... those days w/o Internet connection had both pros & cons. The pros are - well, I finally got my lazy ass to revise some of my old Jap stuff from the previous school. Watched a few TV shows - one in particular which revived my interest in King Arthur, and did a little cross stitch. Wouldn't have done all that if Phoenix was around. But heyz ~ doesn't mean that I want Phoenix to go down again aight? The cons were... when I had nothing to watch on TV, I really had nothing to watch. Lolx, and yeah, I missed talking to someone quite badly too & ended up SMSing instead -.-" Anyway... am really glad that Phoenix is home.

Well ~ got myself into yet another brain vs heart dilema earlier today. After much dilberation & consideration, as well as seeking the opinions of others & talking it out... I've decided to, once again, follow my heart. I just hope this time, it's the right choice to make & I won't end up regretting why I didn't take up the other option instead.

How I wish Life wasn't filled with such difficult decisions.

Wish me luck manx. Really. I fucking need it this time. Screwed up too many times in my Life already... despite living only almost 26 years. Made too many mistakes in too many aspects already. I know, I keep telling myself to listen to my brain... but well ~ I'm weak I guess. This time I just hope I don't get myself into another fucking mess *sigh*

===========================

STRANGE BUT TRUE

Year 1981

1. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
2. Australia lost the Ashes
3. Pope Died

Year 2005

1. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
2. Australia lost the Ashes
3. Pope Died

Educational Facts
===========================

Shady self-destructed @ 01:12

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

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+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

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