Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Monday, July 30, 2007

Friends - is that a need or a want? *shrugx* Just a sudden random question that popped into my head. I guess it's the same as love. Humans do not need friends to stay alive - but having friends sure does makes the journey through this world easier. Face it. It simply sucks being alone all the time. Well ~ I've never been one of the "popular kids". On the contary, I was never able to form firm friendships and all. The people I hang out with... itz more outta convenience than anything. Once I leave the school/work place... etc. we barely keep in contact anymore. I never really had a "best friend". Guess one reason is coz it takes alot to maintain a friendship... and itz natural for people to simply drift apart after sometime.

Hmmm... guess I should count myself lucky that I've got friends in the 1st place. Yeah ~ there are some folks whom I dare consider "friends". Have known them for a damn long time & I still enjoy hanging out with them. How long will these friendships last, I really can't say. Though it may seem that it might last forever ~ there's no telling for certain what might happen to screw it up somewhere down the road. But whatever it is, am really glad that I've got you folks around rite now.

Well... it may sound a little cheesy, and a tad emo - which is totally NOT my style... but I just feel like doing it at this point of time. To those whom I call friends [you know who u are], this song is for you. For some reason, am unable to copy & paste the embed URL, so just click here to view the video.

*sigh* Phoenix died again. Saturday morning, she simply shut down w/o reason and refused to turn on. I hope itz just a minor problem such as the power supply or cable... I really don't wanna go thru' a troublesome reformat. And I sure hope it ain't an expensive trouble like the burning of my motherboard manx!! Gahh... it is freaky though, how things are like so coincidental. Just picture this. I got home around 10+ and turned on the PC, just in time to see an MSN msg that my nemesis left for me, asking me to wake him at 10:30. I looked @ the clock, nice. Just in time. So I sent the SMS. Then I got a reply SMS stating that he woke up, but had computer problems so he couldn't come online & had to reformat. Barely an hour later, Phoenix went down. What are the odds of 2 people who know each other having computer problems at around the same time siahx? Bleah, I know itz nothing more than a coincidence. But itz so damn weird that simillar things tend to happen to the both of us ard the same times [this ain't the 1st incident liaox - I just didn't bother to blog the rest].

Jeez ~ itz just a pain using my dad & bro's PC to do stuff. I've been trying to dl some stuff I attached via Hotmail from Phoenix, trying to get some printed & send a job application. Yeah, been trying to do that since 1 fucking hour ago. My bro's PC has NO Word, so gotta use my dad's for that... and both their coms have terrible connection. I alredi get impatient with mine back at Bt Panjang at times, but this is just ultimate loh. Forever getting the "oops, we can't open blah blah blah" error & have to refresh and all. This is seriously testing my patience manx. I hope that I won't be subject to this torture every day when I eventually move back here. Chances are, I'll continue with my broadband subscription instead of using the router. Yes, I'm willing to pay to avoid all this pain.

Anyway... it was the WWE Smackdown/ECW Tour last Sat. Went down to the Indoor Stadium to catch it. Boy ~ I had waited like 2 mths for this to take place!! Hmm, I wouldn't say that it was worth the $ paid. Some of the main superstars that were promised didn't turn up. No Edge, no CM Punk & no Matt Hardy !#(%#&~ plus the atmosphere simply wasn't there. There were no pyrotechnics... no effects... nothing manx. Thatz quite a disappointment. Let me just put it this way. Those pyrotechnics have a huge effect on rousing the crowd. An example will be Kane's trademark "flames". That will definitely get the crowd cheering and on their feet. As a result... well I guess the audience, me included, was pretty much "dead" 80% of the time. Itz not that I wasn't interested in the superstars or matches... it was simply, they failed to get my adrenaline pumping.

The matches??
Chris Masters vs Ric Flair [WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!]
Tag Team Championship Match: Duece & Domino vs The Major Brothers (who?)
Stevie Richards vs Elijah Burke
Michelle McCool vs Victoria
Finlay vs Kane
ECW Championship Match: Johnny Nitro vs Tommy Dreamer
Chavo Gurrerro vs Rey Mysterio
Heavyweight Championship Match: Batista vs Khali
Batista & Kane vs Khali & Finlay
OMFG The Great Khali was fucking ENORMOUS!! Gahhhh... I wonder how is it gonna be if I ever meet up with him face to face. I'll probably be starring directly @ his belly button manx!! 7 ft 3 in. That'll be approximately what... 2.2m? Jeez. How in the world can someone grow till that size? And oh... check out the muscles on Batista. Phew ~ major drool factor ^-^ Mysterio wasn't too bad either, just a little vertically challenged. And speaking of drool factor... just look at the Masterpiece & Johnny Nitro. Their six packs were like absolutely wahhhhhhhhhh :D~~ definitely something u don't see on the local guys XD

Someday... someday I'll make my way to the US or Canada & watch Monday Night RAW & Friday Night Smackdown there LIVE. And with luck, someday I'll get photographs taken with some of the superstars. Ooooooo I wanna see Randy Orton, Triple H... and of coz, Shawn Michaels up close >=)

Shady self-destructed @ 01:11

Friday, July 27, 2007

Ookie, the deed is done. Trashed Grandia XTreme. New G.I.P. - Kingdom Hearts. Started the game at ellone's place on Tues nite while taking a break from Guitar Hero. Heh heh ~ would have played other RPGs... but they dun seem to have anything else that I would be interested in... and Silent Hill, no lah - that one need my bro to play. Call me evil, but I just get a kick outta seeing the tension on his face whenever the game is on >=)

*shrugx*

Anyway ~ what the fuck is wrong with girls these days? Yes yes, you read it right. For once I'm not slamming the male gender but the female. First is the nonsense tat my evil twin got entangled in (and thankfully he told me that itz over for now)... and recently someone I know just stepped into a cesspit too. Yes! I'm talking about YOU, CHEETARD!!

Hmm... sorry Chee, but I have to post this coz when I scrolled back on the MSN chat that u left (was playing Sims 2 then and didn't alt+tab till the time I did) and read what was being said + that blog entry of urs, the 1st thought that came to my mind was WTF. Ehh... nobody, NOBODY, disappears just becoz of studying lah. What a fucking lame excuse. Yah ~ concentrate on studies, minimze contact... that one still acceptable... but a total disappearance is just ridiculous. Well, pardon me, have been exposed to so much bullshit these days that any hint of bullshit just kinda pushes me off the edge. And yes, if you still don't get what I mean, am saying that that is fucking bullshit. Might as well tell me, need to concentrate on studies... don't do anything else except study & the basic survival actions like eating & sleeping. Know anyone who really does that? I don't.

Ehh... I don't really care if u get angry with me. I just have to say this. Coz I view u as a friend... and I believe that friends should be frank with each other no matter what. So... *takes a deep breath* What the fuck has gotten into you manx? You are gonna WAIT for her for 4 fucking mths with no contact whatsoever? Jeez ~ yes yes, I know u are in love with her... but HELLO?! Yah lah ~ this is pretty much none of my business, plus I dunno her personally so I really have no right to judge... but seriously, do give it some thought manx. Think about the incredulity of her actions b4 u decide to waste 4 mths of ur time.

Find urself in a hole? STOP DIGGING GODDAMNIT!!

Phew. Done. Kk, if u want, u can shoot me back on ur blog... shoot me on my tagboard... shoot me when u see me online... shoot me when u see me irl. Whatever lah, I know I get myself into this kinda crap oso so u have the right to slam me if u wanna. I dun care. Just my $200 worth (yes, it is worth more than 2 fucking worthless cents).

Shady self-destructed @ 01:28

Thursday, July 26, 2007

3:17am. Great. Itz been more than 36 hours since I last woke up. Which means... I haven't actually slept since then - not counting those short period of times when I actually passed out for like 1-2hrs due to the opening of the "black hole". Frankly I don't know why the fuck am I still not asleep at this time. I did tell myself... when I come back frm tuition, just have dinner & watch RAW then get some rest. But nooooooooo ~ RAW ended more than 3hrs ago. Am fucking tired rite now, but somehow I'm unwilling to sleep. But I suppose I would... just need to rant a little b4 I do. Well ~ my evil twin just went to take his nap, and judging from his mood these days, I don't think I wanna unload all these little grumbles to him.

*sigh* Humans will be humans afterall. Everyone is affected by the same thing - the mind vs heart thing. Gahhh ~ thatz the worst kinda dilmena that anyone can face. Jeez ~ and I can do nothing to help him I guess. Yeah... I do feel a little guilty at that, being unable to improve his mood and all... considering that he's always been the one who saves me from the brink of insanity when I get trapped in those kinda situations.

Thinking about it... well, yeah. I've blogged about it b4. Mind vs Heart. No matter which you choose, u'll end up the fucking loser. I'm the kind who listens to my heart more often and not... then I end up hating myself for losing my pride. Just recently, I listened to my brain. Though technically it wasn't me who ended things. I gave up trying as well. I told myself to let go. And yeah, as expected, I'm feeling a twinge of regret. The regret of not knowing what the outcome would have been if I pushed on further. I don't know which is worse - hanging on to something that is hopeless or giving up on hope totally.. Either way, I feel like slamming my head against the wall... or slamming the wall against my head.

Maybe that's the reason y I'm still awake at this hour. I'm tired. I can sleep. Due to some reason either unknown or I simply refuse to acknowledge (probably the later), I just dun wanna.

Gahhh... this is fucking deadly. When I don't sleep enough, I don't have the strength to rein all those emotions in. On the other side of the coin, it's those fucking emotions that prevent me from getting ample sleep in the 1st place. Yet another bloody full circle. Block block block block block. How long can I keep this pretense that everything is okay? Yah lah ~ everything seems okay on the surface... I can block it now and then... but too often, it resurfaces. And everytime it reappears, the gets harder to surpress it. Bury something, and when it returns, it returns together with everything else that has been surpressed in the past - the effects stack, geddit? Give in, you say? Yeah ~ if I do that I don't think there'll even be shards of myself left for anyone to pick up in the aftermath.

No alcohol. Not tonite. Too dangerous.

I think I'm gonna follow my nemesis' example & try get some shut eye.

F**k... he couldn't sleep either.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:35

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Don't ask me why I'm up at this hour. It was never my intention. Admittedly, I was playing Guitar Hero & Guitar Hero Encore earlier... but I turned off the PS2 about 1hr ago already - after getting stuck @ some song on the later. Gahh!! Now my hand is starting to hurt all over again. Anyway ~ inspiration struck earlier... so I decided to continue with the Untitled short story that I have been attempting to write since May. Here it is ~

:: Chapter VI ::

Itz been a long time since anyone updated Project Misfits anyway. I don't really have anything of subtance I wanna say though. My latests posts are either ramblings to distract myself from reality, trying to bury all those emotions (as usual); or well... come to think of it, there's nothing but ramblings all this while.

Been a week now... and I still feel !#%*#&~

Manx... when will this ever pass? I keep telling myself that I should get my lazy ass moving, but I simply ain't in the mood to do anything except sit down and decompose. Hell... I'm even slacking like crazy on RO lately, after hitting that lv 99. I dunno. Itz just no mood I suppose. I sit down & do nothing for a moment & my thoughts go haywire... there are too many things I miss, I guess... but if I just do anything for the sake of doing something... I just do it mindlessly. Itz alredi taking all my willpower to drag myself outta the house for those tuition lessons. No choice - I gotta keep some kinda income, no matter how paltry, flowing in somehow *sigh* At this rate, it seems I'm gonna just wallow in this cesspit I've dug for all eternity.

Words hurt. They really do. Yah yah, I'm just being a sensitive little idiot. But know what? Everything I do is just mere distraction for me now.

It just seems as if... I really should be careful what I ask for.

Shady self-destructed @ 06:28

Monday, July 23, 2007

Hmmm updated my game list ^-^ Decided to relegate Silent Hill 3 from "in progress" to "in queue" instead - considering that itz been so long since I last played it, I'll probably have to start all over from scratch. Yeah thatz the damn problem when too many games are played @ the same time. You forget what the storyline was about & you forgot where u last stopped. Someday I'm gonna restart Kingdom Hearts II as well. As for Grandia XTreme, it'll probably end up in my "trash list" sooner or later - didn't like the gameplay... especially the junctioning of mana eggs. Pooh ~ thatz so different frm the other titles in the Grandia series. Ah well ~ anyway think am gonna just continue with Kingdom Hearts II. Well, not really my kinda game, but since there's alredi a saved game in my mem card... there are only 2 options: continue from there or del the save file, considering that the person who started it will probably nvr resume it here anymore. I chose the former. Played for a bit earlier, and yeah... am kinda enjoying it so far. It'll be a break between those Wild Arms 3 dungeon crawls /gg

Gahhh I want my Guitar Hero II back!! Goddamit! I just hate it when folks borrow stuff and take longer than promised to return it. Hence instead of trying out the songs on Expert mode last nite, I ended up playing TMNT2 with my bro. Bleah ~ whatever it is, am looking forward to moving back to Bugis. At least there'll be someone gaming with me... plus we gonna have 2 sets so there's no need to rush when we wanna play individual games @ the same time. So many games, so little time. pfftttttt ~

Shit. Still gotta get a job -.-"

Shady self-destructed @ 16:27

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Been a very long time since I had this f**king much to drink. Itz a wonder that I still managed to stay like 80% sober. No kidding. When I was younger... yeah, this is like something that happens almsot every week. Use d to go Shooters aeons - just me, a friend & his gf and the 3 of us will finish an entire tequila bottle everytime we go. After that came an "intensive" period of clubbing. Imagine: Tues - Boat Quay, Wed - Zouk, Thurs - Dbl O, Fri - Phuture, Sat - Sparks, Sun - Boat Quay. Incredible it may seem but I was clubbing 6x a week & juggling school + part-time work @ the same time. Wonder how did I get thru that. But then again... I was only like 19 then, in the prime of life. Now... lol... now am just on the decline. So I was kinda surprised that I didn't knock myself out with all that martell + green tea earlier.

No more dancing for me though. I can no longer move. Am simply content to just sit around, chat & slack... or amuse myself with watching others dance. Hmmm ~ guess thatz just normal as age starts to catchup. Another reason is probably... those clubbing kakis from back then have gotten attached, started to settle down... so they aren't too keen about those kinda activities anymore. Then again... well maybe the real reason is coz I lost interest in all that "partying". Face it. Itz the same thing day after day, week after week at the club. Females flirting with males & males trying to score. See that too often, and it makes you wonder... if there's any decent person out there anymore. Lolx.

Anyway ~ itz still cool chilling out with friends from time to time. Itz a friend's bday... poor guy, got himself woozy after being "forced" by the the other guys to consume drink after drink. Lol, if I had drunk that much, I think I would just pass out. ookie... pass out. Yeah that sounds like a good thing to do rite now... which is what I'm gonna do. The main reason y I logged on is just to see if someone's online on MSN. Seems like he isn't... so there ain't much of a point for me to stay much longer. Yeah I'ma just gonna go faint.

Zzzz....

Shady self-destructed @ 06:28

Saturday, July 21, 2007

"If you don't like this place, fly away." - Chika Akatsuki, Zombie Loan.

Sounds like wake-up calls are directing themselves to me... some way or another. Trying to get me to snap outta my self-induced limbo. Yeah ~ I suppose what Chika & Shito says make sense when u think of it. Living w/o purpose, w/o direction, w/o motivation... that'll make me no better than a zombie. In that case, wouldn't I be better off dead like some others that I know? Gahhh I am just one fucking ball of contradiction. On one hand, I condemn those who give up too easily... on the other hand, I'm not that much different. Perhaps the reason y I condemn those other folks is coz I see much of myself reflected in them. All that pessimism. All that... lack of action. Recognising a problem & yet refusing to face up to it... hiding in a corner, hoping that it'll simply go away by itself.

And obviously, problems just don't vanish. I don't have some guardian angel that will simply make things okay. I don't deserve that. I have to find some way... some way to be my own guardian angel - be it an angel of death. I must somehow erase the word "cannot" from my vocabulary. I must try... no fuck... I must do what I must do. Fine, I might die someday. Everyone does eventually... but while I'm still alive. I have to live on. Itz just Life afterall. Everyone gets thru' it in the End. So what the fuck am I doing allowing Me to decompose this way? *bangs head on wall*

Bleahhhh gotta break free of all these chains that bind me. To think that I'm the one who bound myself in the 1st place. Crap crap crap!! All this nonsense MUST end. And I swear it WILL end.

But first... I got a composition to work on /swt. Push that off anymore... and itz just gonna be yet another sleepless night for me. Pigs like me require 10hrs of snooze. Been getting only 4-5 the past couple of days... hunting for headgear making items & power levelling. And yeah, simply just spending time chatting with the other guildies while vending on my alchemist. Hmm... so what did I accomplish from all that? Ehhhh nth much, except that me and DP made it to lv 99 yesterday within a short time from each other!! Wooohoooo!! The only pity was that I had to leave for one of my tuition classes... so I couldn't be there when he got his aura - damnit, sonny was the 1st one to see DP's. Got the notification via SMS though, so it ain't all that bad afterall. Heh heh... I won the race anyway XD

Just check out that aura manx... wahahahahah. Next task, to somehow get Euranna to transendance. Manx that is one hell of a road >=D

Shady self-destructed @ 14:14

Friday, July 20, 2007

So it should be written... so it should be done. Every Beginning has an End. Finally itz over. Hence I shall close another chapter in this story of my Life. Won't say that it was a 100% desirable ending, but guess it was the best one @ this point of time. Emotions are gonna be on a roller coaster for the nxt couple of days, maybe weeks... even for today, it fluctuates between frustration, anger and a weird feeling of hmm... I dunno... something like regret? But itz nothing that I can't handle. Those emotions aren't new to me. Nothing that a session on RO or some anime can't mute I suppose.

Yeah ~ rite now, my guild keeps me sane, by the crazy things they do [how ironic]. I suppose... with them around, there's nothing I can't bury. Yeah, I know the guild ain't gonna last forever - we'll probably move on to other games in time... even now, DP is telling me he got accepted into some new game closed beta... but at this point of time, am just so thankful that they are part of my life (even though they don't know it!!). That online family... well just put it this way, it may just be a game, but the feelings involved are real enough. Can't really call it "love", but at the very least, some form of "friendship", "comradeship"... whatever u wanna call it.

Now some screenies of our latest... mess.

Monster massacre in DB Arena

And the destruction continues...

Taking a break in between...

*nod nod* Especially my nemesis & sonny. Yeah... seriously I wouldn't know what I'd do w/o them. They just seem to have a knack of being around when I logon in a bad mood - with the former being more often than the later. Guess there are some things in Life that I can still be thankful for... and that just serves as a little reminder. *shrugx*

Well ~ went to JB awhile earlier... and... uhmm... ended up with even MORE rpgs. I know I know, I shouldn't... but it was too tempting to pass up. Gahhh ~ anyway I feel like kicking myself in the ass rite now. The store was closing, so I didn't have much time to browse. Grabbed just a few titles that I thought I would be interested in w/o even reading the descrption behind (yeah those games were on my "to check out list" anyway)... and guess what? Only in the car, did I realise one of the games had a cover that was totally in Japanese. Language says "Japanese" too. Came home, loaded it into my PS2... and yeah. Japanese. How the f**k am I supposed to play an RPG in Jap?! yah lah ~ I should have enough command of the language to navigate the options, menu and all... but the storyline will be so lost to me manx. 2 options: either f**k the game or study like mad & pray that by the time I get to playing it, I'll understand at least 80% of whatz going on.

Note to self: nxt time go JB, go earlier.

Shady self-destructed @ 02:04

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Waited an entire day for an SMS that never came. Guess it'll probably never come & things will just end up hanging in mid-air. *shrugx* So why the fuck am I still waiting? Maybe coz I simply detest it when things just don't have a proper conclusion? Well... face it lah. Even when u watch a movie, do u like those kinda "wtf... no ending" kinda ending? Everything that has a beginning must have an end. Then perhaps ~ maybe it is coz this never had a proper beginning in the 1st place... hence the WTF ending. Gahhh... or maybe itz just me thinking too highly of myself - actually thinking that others owe me a closure of some kind. Maybe I should join the ranks of those who desperately need glasses or a new mirror.

Shady self-destructed @ 22:15

I cut myself. The cut bled. But it didn't hurt at all. Weird. Pain is a natural human sense, isn't it? Does that mean I'm becoming less human day after day? Maybe the pain will come later, when I shower & wash my hair. Pffftttt ~ nah it wasn't self-multilation, though the tempation is still there. It was an accidental cut. Was trying to take out a new pair of lenses & the plastic holder was sharper than I thought. Then again... itz probably coz I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing coz my mind was elsewhere. Sheesh... I can't seem to concentrate properly these days. Even during hunting/levelling, my mind drifts away. Sooner or later, am just gonna kill myself on the road. Hopefully when that happens, I wouldn't know what hit me. Yah lah I dun wanna go thru' that kinda pain b4 I die lah!! ^^

Shady self-destructed @ 19:33

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

千年之恋 - Shin

Anyone happens to have the mp3 or lyrics to that song? Heard it at a ktv session last weekend and it kinda grew on me ^^ Googled it but nothing turned up except the F.I.R. song of the same title. Damn. Itz just gonna be more difficult searching for it at home considering that Phoenix can't display Chinese fonts.

Anyway... 7 TMers happened to be online @ the same time earlier so we went for MVP hunting - 6 of us turned up eventually: 2 sin X, 1 clown, 1 priest, 1 blacksmith & 1 creator. Killed Orc Hero & Pheeroni easily enough but when we decided to go for Dark Lord, it was a massacre. Died almost 5 x each... but eventually, after many ressurections, it was still the AD strikes that saved the day. ROFL. Guess that was still way beyond our league, despite the majority of us being 2-2 classes & lvl 90+. Then again, perhaps we were just lacking the main swordsman & mage classes. Hmm... too bad our sage wasn't online. With spell breaker we could have stood a better chance for sure.

Gotta find some way to improve my mdef - 1 meteor strike & I'm as good as dead. Pffttttttt ~ that really sux big time. How am I ever gonna take part in WoE this way?! Lolx come to think of it, how many of us are gonna survive WoE, assuming that we are awake to fight in the 1st place. Ah well ~ should start building up my in game bank account for better eq. Been spending too much time on headgear items instead -.-"

Jeez ~ am kinda woozy now but can't seem to fall asleep. Guess I'll just turn in early tonite then. That is if I can resist logging on. Logon, see guildies on, it'll be as good as yet another sleepless night. Woke up too early this morning @ 9:30am. Was just half-kidding when I told DP to wake me up at that time (coz I had to get my bro outta bed for work), and it was kinda surprising that he actually remembered & sent the SMS that jerked me outta dreamland. lol guess now I know who I can count on to wake me up when I really need it in the future. Aarrgghhh with all this international SMSing, my bill is gonna kill me this mth =X

*shrugx* Maybe Life is just a game afterall. Itz just a shame that this game doesn't come with cheat codes. Was talking about that with Malao just last nite. Lolx ~ yeah it'll be ironic... if I finally get a job & I die b4 the day I'm supposed to start work. If that happens, there is really one huge joker out there. Wonder if I'll end up laughing it off. Hmm... maybe I should just laugh everything off too - especially my so-called "love life". It just seems like one huge joke when I look @ it from a 3rd person's point of view. Well ~ u can say that it ain't my fault if the other party is the one who screws up... but guess what? It is my fault for not choosing my companions wisely... it is my fault for listening to my heart more than my brain... and it is my fault for allowing myself to get messed up this way.

tabun atashi wa honto no baka ne? rofl

Whatever manx. The only thing I can say rite now is... GG.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:23

Monday, July 16, 2007

Awwww all my children have grown up one after another and gotten married themselves within days of each other T.T lolx ~ sonny finally wed with Maro about 2 days ago & baby found herself m!even just earlier today!! Hahah baby's wedding was a "grand" affair it seems... coz there were so many of us TMers online @ the same time. Compared to sonny's wedding - when I was the only guest & my own - with 0 guests (or rather, one that came after everything was over) hahaha. Anyway they weren't too lucky due to some server bugs. Had to register 3x before it succeeded. Ohhh one cool thing, baby's real life dad actually started to play the game too!! Added him to the guild earlier... finally I ain't the oldest one ard /gg

:: Wedding of baby & m!even ::

[from left - on bench]: Erulisse, DP II, sonny, maro, led

Finally the priest speaks...

Ahhhh enough about this non-reality. Been waiting for response from an interviewer since 2 weeks ago and my phone still isn't ringing!! *sigh* Guess I should just forget about it and look for something else. Damn. Once again I raised my hopes too high, thought that I had like 75% chance of snagging this one... only to be disappointed when the 25% came true instead. Gahhh this is even more sian than hunting for rare drops on RO!! No idea why but I just fuck up interviews. Have never been a "people person" anyway. Damn it's alredi mid-July. How the hell am I supposed to make it to Japan by April nxt year? Plus I can't wait to just move outta Bt. Panjang back to Bugis. Can't do that yet if I'm still running around the NW area for tuition (oil prices are rising again !#*%#).

Must try harder!!! *kicks self in the ass*

Anyway ~ am impressed by myself. Was clearing a few of my drawers earlier - and there are more to come, and found stuff that I don't even remember existed!! Plus there were stuff that had been there so long till they uhmm kinda disintegrated by themselves. Lolx, it was a trip down memory lane too though... old photographs, old letters from people in the past, old idol cards, dragonball cards... even my old diaries from when I was back in secondary school!! omfg!! Hahaha imagine what I used to like back then. Gee. And there was this entire stack of pictures of Nicky Wu [yeah the guy from Xiao Hu Dui]. My goodness. Had to dump alot of stuff... just can't keep all that rubbish much longer but those pictures... uhmm.. those pictures I'm gonna keep. Somehow, I dunno how, I still find him cute after all this while. Manx... my room really needs a deco makeover. This time, b4 I stick pictures up anywhere, am gonna laminate them so they don't yellow, fade or tear in time. Plus it'll be easier to remove them when I tire of looking @ the same stuff day in and out - yes I am fickle.

Gahhh why do I find it so hard to throw things away? I had to steel myself to dump some stuff into the bin. I'm just a bloody pack rat after all. No wonder my RO kafra is always full *mumbles* Lesson learnt: the lesser cupboards/drawers = less stuff = better.

2 more drawers to go.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:30

Friday, July 13, 2007

Sakuya Rei Nightwind & Ryosuke

Yatta!! A knight I am now ^^ At Lv. 70, seems I progressed pretty fast... considering I only created her like yesterday? rofl... and in between all that levelling, managed to finally create my Zealotus mask + cruch toast (that the knight is using). Hmm... yeah to be frank, am pretty free these days. My class schedule ain't as heavy as it used to be *shrugx* makes it easier to quit when I finally get something certain though.

Gahhh ~ ganbatte o shinakerebanaru!! Mou jikan ga nai yo ~ Rainen wa, Nihon e ikitai - atashi no "goshujin" to isshoni... hai, saigo no kakikomi shashin no naka ni ano otoko no hito XD Sakura o mitai. Kareshi to aitai. ii nozomi da to omou. Mou hitotsu shashin o misebirakasu... atashi no ansatsusha to kareshi no shipo. Kawaii darou??

Talk about being condemned to Hell ^^

Hai hai... moshikashite itsuka kareshi ga honto no hore ni suru. Kore wa, ima no atashi zenzen wakaranai. Demo... shiawase ni naritai.

Shady self-destructed @ 18:13

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Wheeeee!! Sonny proposed and Maro accepted!! Plus he managed to raise the zeny earlier... so it'll mean that the wedding is gonna take place really soon ^^ Baby's coming back on RO by this weekend and she's gonna finally meet her new brother. Awesome!! *grins* Am back to being a pauper though... blew 10mil on Morrigane's manteau the night before. Had to sell tons of things in Kafra to raise that amount. But ah well ~ just let me finish up making some of those headgear that I wanna then I'll camp in Gonyrun for a couple of dayz to earn all that back. Soon... soon I'll start my 4th Nightwind - a swordie this time XD

Amatsu de sakura o mite'ru

Yeah ~ ain't that beautiful? Sakura blossoms. Well... with much luck, I'll find a job soon, and that will take place in real life next year =) Yesshhh my short-term goal is to take a trip to Japan come April 2008. Should I get a job within this mth, it wouldn't be a problem. The only difference from the screenie will be... irl, I won't have that Devi & we wouldn't be dressed up that funny hahaha. But yeah am sure itz gonna be just as cool.

Shady self-destructed @ 04:15

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Unofficially adopted another "kid" on EbilRO earlier. Kev. A son this time. A recently reborn sinX. Lolx, wonder how did that happen... coz he was supposed to be a pet not a kid!! *shrugx* His logic was... pets tend to look upon their human owners as their parents [according to something he watched on Discovery channel] so he started calling us "mom" & "daddy" too. rofl. Wait till baby comes back from California and sees this. /gg earlier, me & DP were trying to matchmake the other guildies as well. Itz gonna be fun if they take up our suggestion & all get married @ the same time. But it'll be pretty troublesome to co-ordinate the hours, since we are from all over the place. Lolx, chances are low though ^^

Anyway... screenie time [again].

Elarinya & sonny when he was still a Thief High

Eruanna & sonny - SinX finally!!

Yeah sue me. Am just trigger happy in game /gg Such an irony considering that I barely take photographs of myself irl. *shrugx* Blame it on a low self esteem I suppose. I just don't like the way I look... but since I ain't gonna do much about it, guess I'll just live with it and try not to look into the mirror that often. I still remember one of those stupid personality tests taken that night - about the 7 sins. I rated 100% on Envy. Seems that I'm a person who can never be satisfied no matter what. Maybe I'm just a damned perfectionist. But u know what, I just don't see how others can have something and I don't. Hence I tend to set certain "standards" on myself and people around me. In the process of doing so, I lose control... but well, thatz just the way I am & I dun really wanna change that much. If others can't take it, then they can jolly well f**k off I suppose.

So there.

Hmm... what was it I wanted to blog on Sunday nite? Well ~ am kinda filled with nothing but rage rite now so I guess I'd betta keep that all in for the moment... just in case I blurt out something that I regret. Yeah I could always delete the post, but at times it might just be too late. Anyway it ain't something I can't handle [I hope]... so somehow I'll get thru' this though rite now ain't in the best of moods. At least I regained my appetite. The only problem now is... how do I sleep w/o alcohol or having to stay up so late till I knock myself out. Coz once I lie down, I think... and when I think... I don't sleep. Kinda sucky huh?

*sigh* Paranoia? Over-thinking? Whatever you label it manx. I know what I feel and it doesn't feel too good. *shrugx* Back to RO.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:13

Monday, July 09, 2007

I love you, Chester!!! ^-^

Shady self-destructed @ 16:03

Itz been almost 36hrs since I've been awake. Gawd knows what I'm still doing online. There's so much inside me that I wish to blog about. Was thinking about it on the bus ride home... while I was freezing in the air-conditioning coz recklessly, I decided to take a stroll in the rain. *shrugx* The cold droplets of water were refeshing. It always feels that way when I'm feeling down. Pls just don't ask me why I'm down. Itz just the same ol' confusion that doesn't seem to go away. Yeah ~ there's just so much I wanna blog... and I know the words will flow if I let them. And so were the tears. I am proud of myself. Thanks to the sheer force of my will, I didn't break down in public though it was really tempting to just give into those surging emotions. But I am stronger than that.

It'll be a literally beautiful entry if I should continue blogging down that path. I always write better when I'm depressed. I wonder if this is what depression feels like. But once again, I shall stop myself. Coz I know itz just gonna be yet another destructive post. There's no anger. Just this lingering pain... and numbness that threatens to overwhelm me. Yes. Rest is what I need. Rest is what I'll continue to deprive myself of - at least for another hour or so. I will not rest till I catch the Live Earth concert clips of LP.

I didn't manage to earlier. Had to scoot for Jap class @ 4pm. Guess DP was thankful for that, coz I was repaying the favour of him keeping me up the previous night. With me having to logoff, there was nothing else to bug him to stay awake. He must have gone to sleep... and by now, he should have gone to work. Guess I won't be seeing him for quite sometime... coz after this I'll be entering a short phase of physical hibernation. Yeah. I intend to catch a 12hr snooze after LP.

Will leave the blogging till tomorrow... when my eyelids don't feel this heavy... and when I can think a little more clearly. Yeah... chances are I'll totally lose this "feeling" by then. But somethings won't change. I just know it. But it's fine. I'll deal with it. Like I always do. Somehow.

And after I've recovered physically - from this lack of snooze & from the flu, I shall begin the healing of my very soul.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:37

Sunday, July 08, 2007

7:42am. And I have yet to sleep a wink. Amazingly I'm not as sleepy as I thought I would be /gg. Am watching the Live Earth concert telecast on TV. Manx... after a very looooooooooon wait, they finally had RHCP and before I could even get over my joy, it was over! Thatz it. Just "By The Way". Screw MediaCorp manx!! I wanted to see more of Anthony!! Damn ~ guess I'll check out the vids on YouTube another time. *grumbles* And to think they telecasted like so many of Keane's songs... and some country music too. Gahh!! Those folks at MediaCorp sure have fucked up taste. Plus the commercial breaks are driving me crazy manx. Every 2 songs, they cut to commercials. Hello!! How many fucking times must I see those Nokia commercials? Must have seen it more than 20x just this nite itself. Jeez.

They betta play more of Foo Fighters & Bon Jovi later. Hmm... I wonder if I will een get to watch Bon Jovi. I've gotta like scoot off to class at 4pm, and the concert doesn't end till 7pm (yeah initially I thought it was 7am but I was wrong - 12 hours wrong to be exact. Sheesh).

*stretches*

Guess my stamina is better than I thought... hmm had help staying about though. *nod nod* Who else? Was spending like hours earlier, doing stupid tests on MSN & sharing our results. Lolx. Itz really interesting to see that in some cases, our results are exactly the same. But in some... itz a stark total opposite. Yeah ~ in another time and place, he would make a very very good nemesis for real. It'll be something like Professor X & Magneto. No pure hatred, just a conflict of views here and there. Old friends and at the same time, old enemies. Itz a shame that we are living in this age, and itz a shame that geographically we are so far apart & our timezones opposite.

If not, I guess life could have been much much more interesting. And I daresay, I wouldn't lose control that often - been really close to doing so these days. Sheesh I should really start to cultivate an indifferent attitude. I mean, what Malao says has a point, why should I give a damn... getting myself all frustrated & moody... affecting other aspects of my life, when the other party doesn't care? I should just make a stand and stop allowing others to treat me like I'm some little ragdoll that is tossed around now & then. I've been like too laid back all this while, just absorbing all the damage. What I need is a clip of counter (oh shit, RO again) and deal out some dmg myself. Yeah ~ I should just enchant deadly poison and dish out one sonic blow once and for all. Coz it seems that folks are starting to think that just becoz I don't do anything... I'm a harmless little kitten. That is so wrong. It shouldn't be this way.

Give humans an inch and they'll take a mile.

Ahhh screw MediaCorp. Really. Am just gonna watch the webcast on MSN. Bon Jovi in 20 min. Good ^-^

9:14am. The webcast is so much better!! Managed to watch Bon Jovi, now itz the Smashing Pumpkins on the New York feed... then RHCP is coming on in another 5 on the UK feed!! Woohooo!! And they telecast the full thingy instead of selected songs on Chn 5. Damn... I should have done this from the start instead of wasting time on TV. I could have slept too. Lolx, but at the very least I ain't the only one who's going on without sleep. DP's watching the webcast with me... and I daresay itz gonna drag till tml morning for him too. The wonder of the internet. Itz just so cool that we are watching the exact same thing @ the exact same time together. /gg at least I have company watching this.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:17

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Okay, I admit. I'm addicted. Spent almost the entire afternoon online. Did some recruiting for TM & the result was pretty good - 5 new guildies in total ^-^ Levelling wise... well, Led was kind enough to let my alchemist leech from his smith, so 2 levels there!! While hunting for dark crystal fragments, Erulisse managed to get one up too!! Heh heh, and it was funny getting Dral to lv. 99 & reborn despite it being really early morning for him. *shrugx* Anyway ~ some more screenies to save those memories.

Fooling around in Gonryun

The end-result of poring haters

Well I suppose... yeah I could really spend all my time in game if I was given that option. Guess the addictive part about mmorpgs is the community. Having friends to fool around with, bash monsters with or simply just sit around and do nothing with seems pretty nice. *grinx* Yeah I'm glad that do have a bunch of those irl too [and yes, u folks know who u are] ^-^

*nod nod* It sure is a pleasant diversion from my life today. Things weren't that great in reality... but I guess, with online friends like those... I'll survive. Especially my nemesis who just has the knack of coming online when frustration threatens to overwhelm me - I just so nearly lost control of my emotions earlier. Gah!! Weakness!! Someday. Someday I'll adopt the Vulcan way of Life... surpressing everything inside with an iron will.

But rite now... I'll just do whatever I can.

Awww... so sweet. Wait a min!! They are dead!!

Shady self-destructed @ 02:50

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Created a new character - Elarinya Nightwind - on EbilRO earlier today & after hours of grinding, managed to get her up to 2nd job class. A monk this time. *grinx* Yeah levelling could have been much faster if it wasn't for the 20% guild tax. Lolx, yeah I never intended to join a guild that soon. Actually wanted to ask KingofShadows if he still had space in his... but was simply standing around in Prontera when I got a guild request. So I thought, hell, why not? There's no space in TM for a 3rd character, since we agreed to keep it at 2, and KingofShadows wasn't on at that time (though I did bump into him in Payon Dungeon later - itz funny... the way I keep bumping into him no matter which character I use).

Reminder to self: get the guildmaster to lower the tax rate to 1% till after the rebirth's 2nd job. Maybe then I'll settle for 5% if he needs the exp. Gahh ~ even on TM I'm only having a 10% tax... which is reasonable I guess, since I'm sorta "sub commander".

Anyway... that took my character count to 3. Which means more hunting for items. Hmm... have got absolutely no idea how to raise the monk, but will go by trial & error I suppose. Am tired of looking at guides and creating a character based on another player's skeleton. *grinx* I doubt my character list is gonna stop here. Am tempted to try out a Taekwon as well... and maybe a fire mage. But... not tonite - my nose is killing me. Have been down with flu since Sunday and today is the worst so far *curses*

From left: Erulisse, Elarinya & Eruanna Nightwind

Just why do I spend so much time in EbilRO? I dunno. Hmm ~ I do have other things (ie. cross stitch, anime, Star Trek) to do, and I still do them... though unfortunately I've been neglecting the PS2 in the process. Escape?

Perhaps.

In game, I've got what I don't have irl. I'm coming close to 3 mil zeny, Lis is married to DP II & recently we just adopted a daughter [a 13 y/o girl from the U.S. - who can be really cute though persistent at times]. Yeah, the adoption ain't official yet coz there's some bug on Docobu - so she just settled for calling me mom & DP dad. Itz a tad weird at the start, considering that me & DP don't address each other as "dear" + this wasn't a romantic union to begin with (itz all about the family skills manx), but guess I've gotten used to it. Ah well ~ hopefully the GMs will fix the adoption bug somehow someday, so it'll be official in game. Guess this is what everyone wants irl. A family, $$ and something to do day in and out.

The 3 of us in Prontera Sanctuary

But well ~ itz just a game, nothing more. There are no real feelings invovled, though I gotta admit that the baby girl is starting to grow on me (seen her pic on MSN & boy is she a pretty little one!) despite the little annoyances here and there, and nothing is gonna carry over irl. Itz just kinda difficult to force myself back to reality at times. My job hunt continues. Been to a couple of interviews but no luck so far. Gotta remind myself constantly that I shouldn't give up. I just can't lah. I still have a life to lead outside EbilRO. Yeah ~ though having a full-time job will mean less time with my in-game family coz their timezone is an exact 12hrs opposite... but guess sacrifices gotta be made -.-"

Hmm... a good thing happened today though. For that I'm thankful.

Someone heard & granted my requests afterall. Meow is home =) Apparently the operation was a success... now all we've gotta do is dress his wound & feed him his meds every day. Phew ~ after days of worry, itz one less load off my mind. Am kinda guilty that I didn't go visit him as often that I should have though... but well, at least I'll have much time to make it up to him when I move back home. Now am just keeping my fingers crossed that no complications will arise & nothing like this will happen again. No doubt, a cat is supposed to have 9 lives. I just don't wanna find out how many lives he has used up alredi.

Now yeah... off to bed & hopefully my flu doesn't worsen. Gah!!!

Shady self-destructed @ 00:12

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Time heals all wounds. Really?

I've heard that fucking line over and over again... repeated by different people on different occasions, and guess what? To me, itz simply another form of denial, nothing more. Then again, it might all be just a matter of perspective.

Firstly, define: "heal". Some people may consider a wound healed... when itz no longer raw & bleeding; some may consider a wound heal only when things have reverted to normal. I'm the latter. Hence I think that line is bullshit. Wounds never heal. And I'm not talking about those tiny paper cuts here... neither am I talking about those little brusies u get now and then when u accidentally bump into something. Those do heal fully, I concur as much :P I'm talking about those that are serious enough to be bothersome. Both physically & mentally.

Physical wounds. They heal eventually? Well ~ then tell me, how long will it take before I regain 100% mobility of my left elbow. It was nothing more than hairline fractures & ligament damage. Doesn't sound too serious yeah? But I couldn't move my arm for close a mth... and even after that it took me about half a year b4 I could straighten & bend it w/o much pain. Fast forward, almost half a decade later. I still can't stretch it out fully and neither can I carry stuff that are too heavy with my left hand.

Now tell me again that all wounds heal in time.

But those are fine. Those are easy to manage I suppose. Now... emotional wounds. Lolx ~ if u'd ask me... those never heal at all. The passing of time only serves one purpose - to allow us to learn how to mute the pain, to bury it deep within. Just take a look around u... people who haven't been affected by r/s these days are really lucky people. Almost everyone I know has been thru' at least one difficult breakup.

Oh yeah ~ some ppl manage it better than others. Some just pick up the shards of their lives and push onwards... but there are some, who somehow still wallow in the depths of self-pity. For what purpose, beats me. But they all have a similarity - they are no longer the same person they used to be. Itz as if something hath died inside them and they never really gotten over it, no matter how much they try to tell themselves that they had. They become incapable of accepting another human being into their life, and hurt everyone around them in the backlash of the storms they unleash now and then. I won't say that itz totally their fault... coz I guess most oftenly, they know not what they are doing. Then again, they might know whatz going on... but lack the willpower (or rather, effort) to rein all that destructive energy in.

On one hand, it may seem unfair for those who are caught up in the destruction. Coz the only reason the victims are sticking around is coz they care. But on the other hand... the victims can only blame themselves for their own stupidity... for getting into the mess in the 1st place. They should have known better.

Human emotions are just interesting, aren't they?

Don't ask me who I'm blogging about... it might be me, it might be someone else. This just popped into my mind on the way home. But I guess, if it applies to u... then itz probably you *shrugx*

Shady self-destructed @ 12:54

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

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