Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Thursday, May 31, 2007

"It doesn't matter what people say you should be. What's important is how you want to be."

Guess Bleach isn't simply a "kid's anime". Advice to Life are all around - the only question is a person is able to realise it or otherwise. *shrugx* This ain't the 1st time the anime hath came out with something worth thinking about. And am sure it won't be the last time. I see alot of myself in some of the characters. *sigh* Maybe someday I'll be able to put certain things behind me... maybe someday I'll learn to accept myself to who I am, and accept the decisions I've made in time... maybe someday I'll know what it is I'm really searching for, what is it I really want.

Flight's in slightly more than 15hrs now. Yeah ~ am leaving for the weekend. Though the decision was made under circumstances that I did not enjoy, I hope this trip will do some good for me. 3 days won't be sufficient to rest this weary soul of mine... but I hope the 3 days will provide the rejuvenation I need. So that I can continue my journey on this plane.

Right now, guess all I wanna do is rest. These mood shifts are tiring.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:19

What if you can look into the future & can change it before it happens? But when u look into the future, it'll no longer be the future u glimpsed... and with it, other things change. Hmm... reminds you a little of "The Butterfly Effect" doesn't it? Yet another movie attempts to toy with this concept... and yeah, though it was pretty weird (yah lah ~ maybe itz just that my feeble mind wasn't operating @ 100%, due to some distractions, so I didn't think too much about it while watching), itz worth the watch. *grinx* Well, ain't gonna go into one of my 'time travel ramblings' again... my brain's kinda dead this hour to do so. Anyway ~ uhhh if u want the plot of the movie, u can jolly well go check out the reviews urself... plenty of sites on the Internet offering that.

Heh ~ question: if you could see your own future, what would u do? *shrugx* I'm the kind who believes that everything is pre-ordained anyway. That no matter what u do, no matter what u change... the end will still remain the same. Something else will just happen after u make the change to rectify ur change. Doesn't make sense? Ookie ~ it shouldn't make sense coz I didn't mean for it to make any sense. Lolx.

Shady self-destructed @ 02:40

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Do the MVs I embed into my posts mean anything? Good question.

Well ~ unless stated otherwise [ie. coz I just felt like listening to the song, or just coz I adore the artiste...etc.], the MVs... or rather, the lyrics of the songs do reflect my mood @ the time of composing the posts. When I'm too lazy to search for the lyrics, I just insert the MV. Guess thatz just the way I operate. At times I can't find the exact words to describe how I feel at a certain instance, and at times, I just don't feel like typing the stuff out directly. Those songs, to me, they are just metaphors. Yeah ~ maybe I just ain't as direct as I make myself out to be. Tend to beat around the bush quite alot... and after some reflection, alot of the stuff carry double meanings. *shrugx* Interpret it anyway u wish - don't really care anyway.

Perhaps, what everyone is searching for is just somewhere they belong. Mutant or otherwise.

*sigh* And don't even bother asking me what I'm thinking. Coz more often than not, I don't even know whatz going thru' this brain of mine. Itz as if the brain's a totally different entity altogether... something that even I, can't fully comprehend.

Shady self-destructed @ 23:36

Monday, May 28, 2007

Gee... am aching like hell. Been a really long time since I felt those muscles work in any way... hahah but it was worth it. Went nite cycling on Sat nite. Amazingly my legs don't hurt like I expected them too - guess I'm stronger than I think I am. Lolx. Itz the shoulders that ache rite now... oh, and the butt -.-" It was strange cycling again after so long though. Took me quite a while to get used to controlling the bicycle. It just felt awkward, probably coz I've been so used to Harusame's size. Ah well ~ it was fun. Heh, started off @ East Coast... then we headed down to Sentosa, after stopping for a rest at Vivo. Gosh ~ I never remember Sentosa being covered with that many slopes!!

Think I'm getting old though. Felt really dead when the sun started to rise. Heh, in the past, I could still hold on till 8+ - thatz the usual time I got home. Hahah age's catching up manx. Give me another decade and I'll probably not even have energy to cycle that much anymore. Oh manx ~ thatz one really horrible thought.

Gotta get in shape. Hate the flubber around my tummy -.-"

Shady self-destructed @ 12:49

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Decided to change my wallpaper after quite a long time. Well ~ no specific reason y, but gotten a little tired of starring into the eyes of Vincent Valentine [from FFVI Advent Children] *grinx* yeah, no matter how cute a guy is, I'll tire of looking @ him sooner or later. Hmm... come to think of it, the longest wallpaper I've ever had for Phoenix is that of Ayanami Rei. Lolx, guess females are more pleasing to the eye? Hahahaha ~

Anyway, Valentine was replaced by...

Hahaha dun ask me why I've decided to put one of him. Maybe itz coz I've been spending the morning b4 class watching a few of his MVs. Was a little lazy earlier though, so didn't go around hunting for a better pic than that (to think I don't even like Pepsi in the 1st place - Coca-cola rawks, thatz the bottom line)... it was one of the best looking ones frm the webby I went to anyway. Hmmm how long will this wallpaper last? No idea ~ I'll give it a mth @ the max... before I switch back to some anime character.

Ah well ~ what? Jay Chou ain't cute? Hmm... u are so blind.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:24

Friday, May 25, 2007

*shrugx* Nothing impressive. Not that I've had much expectations in the 1st place. Guess the only reason y I watched this movie is coz of the pretty boys. Heh... unfortunately, they aren't really my kind. Eye candy, no doubt... but too "boybandish". And yeah, that posed to be a problem coz it took me quite a while to tell the characters apart - I've always had this inability to differentiate between ppl who look the same... itz as if they are "mass produced" by a master mold [think X-Men sentinals] -.-" Lolx. Anyway ~ as the plot ain't heavy, itz a pretty good time-waster. Perfect for days when u just wanna laze in front of the TV screen & watch the stuff on it w/o much thought. Considering that I'm having my next class in about an hour's time, yeah, thatz sufficient for now. The movie didn't take too much attention so managed to do some cross-stitch @ the same time.

Well... the weekend is here again. Itz funny. When Monday comes, I'll always look forward to the weekends... but when the weekends are nearing, I don't feel much. Maybe I'll be more excited when the nxt one comes - am going to see Angkor Wat... but uhhh I dunno. Nothing seems to interest me much these dayz. Wonder what in the world is going on. I do stuff... but w/o much passion. Gahhh I can't even be bothered to make this into yet another 'wonder what I'm living for?' kinda post. It seems as if I'm always blogging about the same stuff... day in and out, week in and out... yadda yadda. Nothing changes in my Life.

I wonder how can anyone actually like routine.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:48

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

[click on the image to enlarge for better reading]

Saw the above comic strip on Sat's New Paper & somehow that stupid thing moved me to tears. It was a simple strip. Nothing much... and I've got no idea why I reacted the way I did. *shrugx* Maybe itz just the thought of everlasting love... the kind that survives "no matter what" - something thatz seemingly unattainable for someone the likes of me... and itz really sweet when there are hints of it going on... be it on the TV screen, in a novel... etc. Hmmm in case u wanna take a look @ more of the above stuff, check out Lyn Johnston's For Better of For Worse.

Anyway ~ u might know that kinda feeling... the type of feeling when u see an old couple holding hands... or just resting their head on another's shoulders on the MRT train. Itz weird. I never thought much about such stuff when I was younger. But as I grew, I guess... something inside me changed. Now I smile slightly to myself when I see such things going on, and at the same time, having this feeling tat I can't describe with words inside me. It isn't exactly pain... it ain't exactly sorrow either. Maybe a mixture of both of that with some witsfulness. *shrugx* Just some wrenching of the heart I suppose. Ah well ~ now that doesn't make much sense, does it? Hahah well... maybe itz just me losing control of all those surfacing emotions that were once buried deep inside.

These days, most of the time, I don't even know how I feel.

Well... been awhile since I last blogged - haven't had that much time to spare lately. Been re-addicted to The Sims 2, after feeling inspired to create a house. That caused me to sacrifice hours of sleep -.-" Yeah ~ been like sleeping for only 5hrs per day since Sun nite, trying to juggle playing TS2, RO... and watching X-Men TAS while working on cross-stitch. There goes all my afternoon naps manx. Itz a wonder that I'm still walking around though I guess itz just sooner or later that I k.o.

Work hasn't been busy... in fact, itz the actual opposite. Lessons are dwindling due to the upcoming holidays & I've got a few students cancelling their tuition (apparently coz the parents think I haven't been doing enuff since the kids ended up failing - which was what I expected). To be frank, I haven't been that dilligent myself. Though I still need the $, I've been cancelling or postponing classes here and there. Just can't muster enuff willpower to drag myself down to the lessons. I know I'm just being lazy. I'm just losing motivation as well lahx. Every single day is a chore to get thru'. Granted tat it'll pass sooner or later... and yeah, it passes. Only to repeat itself the nxt day... day after day... week after week... month after fucking month. It'll probably only end when I cross over to the world beyond.

Much as I hate to admit this... the calling is getting increasingly louder & persistent these dayz. Not even gaming, anime and all seems to drown it out totally. Gahhhhhh!!! Something betta happen... something new, something interesting. I dunno what... but SOMETHING. It can be something crazy, something that I haven't indulged in for a long time... whatever manx. Just something before I succumb to temptation and make the crossing sooner than I'd planned. It should be pretty easy to do so. Lolx, no... I'm not bogged down my troubles tat I can't solve. Itz just plain boredom, if u get what I mean.

Hmm I really hope I'll get a new job soon. That should keep my attention focused for a while. Once I return frm Siam Reap, am gonna go all out to seek one. In the meatime, I'll just send out a couple of applications now & then and attend interviews, should there be any. *sigh* The problem is, I'm always @ a loss of words when it comes to interviews. I just can't think of anything I wanna ask the interviewer and I don't think thatz a good thing -.-"

Even earlier. I just came back frm an interview @ Orchard. For some administrative position. The job is an appealing one - I like the scope, the wrking hours & the remuneration package, and I swear I'll work my ass off and put in 100% effort should I get it. But judging frm the way the interview went... doubt I have a chance. The interviewer didn't ask many questions - he simply told me more about the job scope... etc. in fact, he covered almost everything that I wanted to know so when it came to me asking the questions - I don't have any. Lolx. Gahhh ~ this is just so demoralising.

Another 1.5hr more before I should leave for class. 3 more for the rest of the day... I'm fucking sleepy, but somehow I just don't feel like sleeping - though I really should if I wanna catch the Champions League Finals later tonite. Damn... this is slow suicide manx.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:40

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Phew ~ think I've earned myself at least an hour's rest. My hands hurt manx. And itz nothing to do with gaming this time -.-" Was washing 2 weeks worth of laundry by hand earlier. Now my plams and fingers just feel... wrinkled. Gahh!! At this rate, both my hands will age more quickly than any other part of me I guess. Lolx, not that my hands were nice & smooth in the 1st place - all that bike riding have alredi ruined them... but this time, itz just gonna be worse. Damn!! I do wish the washing machine didn't break down. Precious time would have been saved by just dumping those clothes in the washer & pressing a button. Blah ~ not to mention, I had to remove the woman's clothes frm the poles b4 I could hang mine. Dumped them all over the couch. No way am I gonna do the folding and all for her. She should be thankful that I didn't hurl them outta the flat.

*shakes head* Am tempted to just pay for the repair of the machine manx, even though doing so will be kinda unfair to myself. But all that time & energy could really be put to better use (eg. levelling, cross-stitching, watching anime... etc.).

Gahh!! Seems like my initial belief - that I'm uncapable of Hate, is starting to prove itself wrong. How can I not hate that fucking moron?! Plus he hasn't even reimbursed me for the tech's service charge from yesterday!! Thinking that just coz he remains silent I'm gonna forget all about it? No way max!! If it really boils down to me paying for the repair of this damned machine, am sure I'm gonna take it with me when I get outta here. Phoooey... I really can't wait for next year to come.

Ah well ~ a video to relax to... and no way are the lyrics meant for him!

Shady self-destructed @ 14:29

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Warning: Male readers better skip this post.

I dun really wanna blog this, but I just can't keep this lying down. I know I'm generalising but... there's only one thing I can say rite now - males are incompetent. Need something fixed? Need something settled? My advice is, don't be lazy and D.I.Y. Leaving it to a male to do it for you, you'll end up having to expend more energy & experience tons of frustration in the process. Reason? They are bound to fuck up. Don't ask me why... it might be plain stupidity, it might be incompetence... whatever the reason is, they will screw up. Seems like itz their destiny or something to do that. Ohh... and the best thing is, whey they fuck up, their shove the blame elsewhere & simply refuse to accept the genetic fault.

Makes me think that the only reason why males are put into this world is coz the sadistic Creator doesn't want females to have a "wonderful & uneventful" life w/o trials & tribulations. So what did the Creator do? Allow the prototype to wander the planet & ruin the lives of women instead of simply eradicating the failed product - remember, supposedly, Adam was created before Eve. There always has to be a draft b4 the final masterpiece.

So what happened?

Well... simple reason to get ticked off. Itz Tues morning. 11:31am now, to be precise. I am really supposed to be asleep. The weather is really fine. I don't have morning classes on Tues - so this is like the only weekday that I can sleep in. Based on that reason, I didn't see the need to sleep early last nite, so I turned in at about 4am. Yeah ~ I know jolly well the washing machine guy is gonna come today to take a look @ the thingy. Why did it break down in the 1st place & whatz the problem exactly I have fucking no idea - coz that jerkoff didn't tell me. No idea who was the last idiot who touched it, but I assumed that the fault hath been conveyed to the customer svc rep thru' the phone prior the fixing of the appointment. I too assumed that the guy will just come here, pick up the machine & bring it back for repair - ookie, actually Ben told me that, so I didn't double check. So I reckoned that I'll simply go back to sleep after the guy takes the machine away.

Bad idea. Assumptions are deadly. Thinking back, what I should really have done was, ask all the questions b4hand - check out what are the "symptoms" of the fault, call up the customer svc myself & fix my own appointment. Look what happens when u trust a member of the male species to do such a thing? Gawd... eh, seriously, the thought of someone screwing up at something this simple never crossed my mind. My mistake. I placed too much faith in the intelligence of a lesser species.

Anyway ~ 8:50am. I was awoken by a phone call from Ben, telling me that the guy will come pick up the machine between 9:30 - 10am. My 1st thought was - so why can't u wake me up at 9:15am or even 9:20am instead of telling me this early? Also, itz not as if I'm the kind who can sleep thru' a doorbell. But fine. Small matter, compared to what happened next.

10:08am. Washing machine guy came. Ask me what was wrong with the machine. I was stumped & yeah, I just stood there looking stupid & told him that I have no fucking idea coz I wasn't the one with the last touch... and that the symptoms were never described to me. Bet he must have been thinking that I'm some bimbo who doesn't know anything... but itz ok, I was nvr affected by the opinions of ppl who don't matter anyway. So I carried on hunting for my Matyr card, Zerom card & emperium while letting the tech figure it out by himself. After 10~15min, the verdict came out. The control panel of the machine konked.

Ookie... let me ot for a bit. The fucking machine was only about 1yr + old. We hardly use the machine. Hmm... considering that now we are doing seperate washes, maybe like 2x per week? And you telling me the part wore off that fast? Gosh!! Samsung machines really CMI loh, in that case. Oh ~ and their warranty was only for 1yr. So I guess they are pretty well aware that their parts suck in the 1st place *shakes head* To think that this washer cost like $700+. Nuff said, ain't gonna get another Samsung washer ever again. To think my mum's "old school" washing machine managed to last like half a decade w/o dying. Morale of the story? Technological advance is not necessary that good a thing - the more high-tech an item is, the lower its lifespan.

*shrugx*

Anyway to replace the control panel thingy will cost $200. Factor in service charge & transportation, it'll come up to $265. Apparently Ben didn't wanna fork out that $. Hmm... which brings me to yet another o-t question - then the clothes?? Don't wash ahx? There are alredi 2 piles over there in the laundry basket & pail loh!! Not to mention... some of the clothes are damn wet. What I guess happened was, some idiot washed it but was too lazy to hang it up so left it there. Now smelly, gotta wash all over again. Hmm... wanna bet who that idiot is? I dare lay out $1000.

Hmm ookie, dun wanna fix, dun need to pay the $200. But still, there's a $65 svc + transportation fee for the guy coming down to take a look at it. Question is, why didn't the fucknut ask all of this beforehand? Ben wasn't willing to pay the amount. So he made the guy hang on while he called Samsung cust svc again, to "negotiate" the prices. Ookie - fair enuff. Don't pay for services you don't use, that I agree. But... wah piangz, should have asked the cust svc rep over the phone in the 1st rite? Find out whatz the exact amount, and ask whether payment has to be made upfront or something. Nooooooo ~ it was only till earlier today that I knew I had to pay on the spot. Then expect me to what... conjure the cash outta midair? CB!! Itz not the matter of Ben reimbursing me in the end or otherwise, the problem is HELLO! that means I have to make my way down to Greenridge for the atm. Doesn't help that it was fucking raining ookie!!

Sheesh ~ what a fucking start to the day.

Oh... if he had the decency to apologise & admit his error, I wouldn't be so pissed. But noooo... instead he complained that I was not being helpful - that I can't even do such a simple thing. Yah yah simple thing of walking all the way in the fucking rain when I'm supposed to be snuggled under the comforter sleeping just coz he screwed up? Whatz so difficult with saying, "am sorry, my fault"? This must be some stupid guy ego thing again lahx!! Then nvm, being pissed, of coz I didn't take that lying down - though normally I'd rather ignore the SMS than to start some kinda fight. So once again, the stupid argument went to the bills. He's now demanding that I pay half of them.

Eh seriously ~ cannot handle... just say lah!! Ask for help... admit that he's incompetent and totally CMI, and that he can't even do what "a man is supposed to do". Then talk to me nicely, I'm willing to negotiate loh. Hmm... but heyz don't forget, who was the one who broke the arrangment in the 1st place? Then who's the one who opened his bloody mouth & said that he'll settle all the bills by himself? Lolx... funny manx, I alredi ended up clearing up his mess when all the warning letters came in. Pathetic ~ now he wants to go back to the half-half arragnment again? What does he think that I am? Stupid? No fucking way!! I dun wanna end up having all my $ tied up again every single mth.

So.... *nodx* this is what having a male in ur life does to ur life. It screws things up. Hmm... I ain't even going into the emotional part yet manx - read my older posts if you wanna find some examples. For females, I daresay, itz the emotional thingy that kills them eventually ~ but all this other "types" of frustration don't help either. Hahaha just a sudden funny thought. To think guys are complaining that girls are starting to become lesbians. Hmm... seriously, with things like this happening all the time, guys being fucked up and all ~ thatz just a sooner or later case manx. Heh, I ain't gonna turn homo... but got this inkling that someday... I'm gonna just give up on r/s totally.

Maybe it's never good to be alone. But I'd rather be alone & bear with all that lonliness, than allow someone else to overturn my world.

PS. Those who didn't heed the warning @ the start of this post, you are NOT entitled to ur comments... so don't start msging me on MSN, leaving flames on my tagboard and all. The warning was placed there for a reason coz I know jolly well this is gonna annoy. Hmm... then again, yeah, what did I expect? You guys don't read anyway ~

Shady self-destructed @ 12:55

Monday, May 14, 2007

Yatta!!~! Got to watch Spiderman 3 on Sat ^-^ Verdict? Well... it wasn't superb, but it didn't suck lah. Wonder y some ppl claimed that it did. The action was decent what!! Hmm... the only thought that lingered on in my brain after the movie was... uhhh Peter Parker, they should have gotten someone better looking to play him. Toby Maguire ain't exactly "cute", if you get what I mean. Yeah yeah Peter was supposed to be a nerd, but hello, can get a better looking one rite? No matter how u look @ that guy, he just doesn't have the charisma. On the other hand, Harry Osborn, Goblin Jr. was *phew*. Even with half his face "disfigured", he looked great =P

*grinx* Anyway this movie really reminds everyone of the fact that at times, guys can be so bloody insensitive. Dun wanna be a spoiler (though almost everyone I know has either watched it or doesn't wanna watch it in the 1st place), but yeah, itz something gotta do with the r/s between Spidey & Mary Jane. In a nutshell, itz basically the girl needing a listening ear... and the guy is so preoccupied with himself that he doesn't even notice her need. Hmm... don't wanna make this into a guy-slamming entry so I shall stop here.

Oh... and yes, Malao, buttache siahx!!

Well ~ OP of X/1999, one of my fave animes of all time. Just suddenly had to urge to search for the vid on youtube & link it here. Enjoy.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:23

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Goal Attained!! After hours of slashing @ savages, collecting job change items and an exasperating Q&A session about Undead & Demon monsters, finally manged to become a crusader. Hmm... frankly what'z nxt I've got absolutely no idea. So far the crusader ain't too impressive - then again, it might just be the weapon that sux... *sigh* which means, more zeny hath to be spent. Well ~ whatever it is, just one more base lvl and I'm gonna call it a day. Darn... was intending to take a nap b4 I leave the house... but misjudged the time that I'll take so yeah guess I don't have much of a choice now. *mumbles* Gotta bathe & all b4 leaving for town. Damn bus ride.

*shrugx* Should get used to the fact that things in Life always don't go as planned. Arrgghhh I really need some snooze. Heh the only consolation is I've got all the time I wanna to do so tonite. Maybe I'll go for a 12-hr stint.

4 Dayz remaining.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:36

Friday, May 11, 2007

Gahhh what in the world is wrong with Blogger's interface? Or is it just me who's having this problem? The post entry page is weird... and I can't seem to del the double entry that I made by mistake yesterday. In actual fact, deleted another post by mistake. Good lord -.-" Can't remember what exactly was posted there... but I guess it was yet another "motivational" thingy for myself. *sigh* Ain't exactly feeling better today... but at least the plane ticket thingy is settled. Plus there's only 1 class today to get thru' so it won't be too bad. Phew ~ also managed to talk to DP for quite a bit - and that improved my mood a great deal. Thank goodness he came online @ the right time. If not I might just have snapped there and then.

Ah well ~ maybe I'll help him lvl his mage a little... but I can't really remember how to go about doing that. Haven't played a magic user for a darn long time. And the last time I did, I was using soul strike instead... and his seems to be a fire mage. FUCK!! Can those assholes stop drilling?! I dun need additional noise pollution. All I seek now is PEACE manx!!

Anyway, am giving myself 5 dayz. Starting from midnite earlier.

5 days to continue feeling depressed, getting myself down and all. After that, I'll just go thru' a welcome phase of shutting down everything. Enter some kinda self-induced hibernation & get thru' everyday on auto-pilot. Hmm... wonder if I'm able to do that. Shut down certain parts of my thoughts and all. But whatever it is, something just has to be done somehow. At the rate things are going I might just explode... and trust me, thatz the last thing I wanna do.

Gah am sick & tired of being put on hold. 1st the Jestar thingy, now Samsung. Washing machine break down. Doesn't help that the customer svc officer is someone who is speaking with some really fake... and lousy accent. Only gawd knows why such ppl exist. Can't they just speak NORMALLY? Even if wanna adopt some American accent then just do it properly lah. nbcb. Whatz wrong with CSOs these dayz. In fact what the fuck is wrong with everyone these dayz. Ookie... to be fair, the MAJORITY of folks these dayz. One thing I'm certain rite now is, if thatz the only thing I'm certain of, I won't be sad if the world just goes up in flames.

I should stop being affected by such incidents manx.

5 dayz.

Screw u all lah ~ am gonna job change to be a crusader by this weekend. Even if it means sacrificing all my sleep. At least training @ Toy Factory is kinda good... the colors... the concept of the place... *sigh* wish I could be a child again. Now think. How am I gonna transfer eq to DP's account. Double-client doesn't wrk. Tried it. Unless... I gotta run 2 windows accounts concurrently. Too troublesome -.-"

Shady self-destructed @ 15:44

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I will endure!!!

Shady self-destructed @ 18:44

*sigh* What a day. What a ride on the emotional roller coaster.

It started off uneventful though. With the usual sleepiness... dragging myself to class. Somehow mananged to get thru' it like I always do. That was fine. Bought lunch on the way home. Maybe I should have makaned b4 I tried to settle existing problems, but I just can't concentrate on eating with something nagging @ the back of my brain.

So yeah ~ tried to settle my flight booking - something I've tried to do since yesterday. F**ked up lah. Jetstarasia customer service - "all our agents are busy at the moment, your call is important to us. pls hold and we will attend to you shortly". Sheesh. Everytime that happens. I didn't get thru' yesterday basically coz I was rushing ard for classes & I couldn't possibly stay on hold for more than 15min using my handphone!! Gawd... I must have tried that more than a dozen of times. I finally got thru' late morning today - thatz like after a wait of 20 min or so? Amazing huh? That I actually had the fucking patience to stay on the line? But like I had a choice!! I had to find my booking no. Then I had to get my ass down to 7-11 @ Fajar to make payment. Done so, gotten the receipt... but till now, still no confirmation email. Bloody inefficient, if u ask me.

Checked the webby a zillion times today, once just like 5 min ago, and my status is still "on hold". How long does it take for them to fucking update manx? It didn't help that the cso mentioned that normally payment is supposed to be made within 2 dayz of booking... so hmm.. is my ticket still valid?? If not... then the payment made alredi how?! Friend was telling me that as long as itz paid... it should be okay. Thing is, same friend told me that I was supposed to receive a .pdf file that I must bring along on the day itself. Gahhh if nth is confirmed by Fri, think I gotta give those idiots a call again - and I ain't relishing that thought -.-" Totally hate it when things are left hanging this way. Though I'm a procrastinator... I'm one who needs to be organised. lolx yeah... control freak maybe.

Plus, I need something to look forward to - to distract me from certain matters that have been taking place for the past few weeks. Am hoping that it'll give me the break I need. There's only a certain limit that anyone can take, and I'm past that limit. Itz worse when I can't do anything except bottle up how I feel. Talk to someone, you say? Who can I? If I do that too often, I'll be treated as if I'm whinning... and I alredi do alot of that. Besides, everyone has their own cross to bear, so why would anyone spare any time or concern for me? Plus... I guess the only kinda response I'll get will go somewhat like - "shit happens all the time, deal with it". *shrugx* Itz true anyway... but *sigh* at times it'll be great to just have a listening ear ard. Then again... thatz Life, gotta deal with it my own way -.-"

Itz just one really lonely road ahead.

Well... on top of that kinda frustration, I got pissed. Totally. The fucking brat @ Cashew Rd. Apparently today's lesson was cancelled and no one had the decency to inform me till I got there!! In the rain, can u fucking imagine that? I had to drag myself dwn reluctantly... coz I was on the verge of levelling up Erulisse & that is one kid that I'd rather not teach. Gathered up all my will and this had to happen. Apparently the mum 'informed' the agent. Bullshit lah. She has my hp no. If she could SMS me to ask if I knew her girl's exam schedule, can't she SMS me to tell me that there will be no class? Nooooooo... fucking liar. Agent said all that bitch did was complain about me - complain that I didn't know the girl's timetable, what else!! CCB. Like mother, like daughter. Oh... the reason y I didn't know her timetable? Simple - I asked. She didn't wanna say. So what was I supposed to do? Beat it outta her? Trust me... beating her up, thatz something I'll really enjoy.

Fucking kid, fucking mom. Thank gawd I've seen the last of them. I cancelled the assignment. Know what? It doesn't even matter if I don't get paid this time (though that will certainly piss me off big time). Thought I could hang on till 8 lessons were up... but guess not!! No amt of $ is worth me swallowing my pride this way. Imagine trying to explain something and the kid looks outta the window or eats some snack? Then the kid will do stuff like... shove papers over to me, snatch papers outta my hand... etc. What an ill-bred child. Lazy, fat & stupid is one thing. But being totally rude & insolent is another. No way am I gonna allow myself to be treated like a maid by a kid manx. Not even if I'm paid 5k for that!!

Itz alredi bad enuff that some folks in my life are treating me like some kinda toy. Happy - pay attention to... unhappy, moody - just discard me at some dusty little corner. Then when I finally give up and am starting to creep away... once again I'm showered by attention that gives me hope. Then history repeats itself all over again. And yeah, that fucking constitutes to my mood these dayz. Maybe the reason y this always happens is coz I try my best to care. To be around. To put myself into the other person's shoes - try to understand, try to be... I dunno. Fuck it manx. Enough is ENOUGH!!!! I'm human too and I have FEELINGS!!! Since everyone is so fucking selfish... I don't see why I can't be as well. I can be fucking hostile, unfeeling & uncaring too. DIE you muthafuckers!!

Yah yah... maybe I'm not deserving of attention... maybe I'm just not good enuff to warrant more pampering frm anyone... maybe I'm just expecting too much. But know what? FUCK ALL THAT!! And FUCK ALL OF YOU WHO MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY - from now onwards, every monster I cut down in RO will be YOU!!! I'm sick & tired of slamming myself time & again. My self-esteem hath hit rock bottom. My sanity virtually non-existent. My entire existence hangs in the balance. Thoughts of simply taking a dive outta the window resurfaced and that ain't GOOD!!! I didn't even have the mood to watch RAW earlier, can u imagine that? Plus itz 12:43am rite now and I'm too fucking upset... to pissed off to sleep!! Even if I should drag myself to lie down... I know I won't fall asleep as easily as I wish. I'll probably toss & turn the entire nite, and my thoughts will lead to negativity and that in turn leads to depression. I know I'm gonna feel shitty tml, but fuck lah, I'll deal with that tml.

nbcb lah... I really gotta muster up enough strength to move on - before I even lose all this anger. *sigh* There are just some things in life that ain't worth fighting for. Some battles just cause too much bloodshed... and in the end, no one really wins. Gotta learn how to differentiate the games that are worth playing frm those that aren't. Coz if this shite happens this often, soon will come a day that I'll never be able to recover.

*sigh* All I can do now is to kill monster after monster in Payon Dungeon L4. Am just hoping that by keeping myself occupied, I'll think less... and with luck, I might exhaust myself enuff to experience a 1-hit-KO thingy later - when my head hits the pillow, that is. To think that I had a wave of positivity this afternoon. When I finally managed to get Erulisse to lv. 50 & converted her into an assassin b4 I left for the evening class.

Yeah thatz her in the assassin guild facing all the testers. Manx... I spent about 20min on that test siahx. Lolx... the Priest one was the easiest so far. Think the crusader one's gonna be the worst - having to battle monsters. *shrugx* Will tackle that problem when I come to that though. Hmm... guess I'll be able to do it this weekend, considering that I've got no plans & will probably end up decomposing at home. Ah well... it wouldn't be that bad. I've lived past many weekends alone, so this will just be yet another one of it. Looking on the bright side of things, the rest might just be welcome.

Well... just gotta keep my fingers crossed that I won't lose my mood to game. That'll be ultimate manx. I gotta start my hibernation soon. Maybe the upcoming school holidays will be a good time to do so. And yeah... I gotta find someway to get into contact with an overseas agent. *sigh* I guess rite now, there shouldn't be any more reason for me to stay here. But if thatz so, then why do I still feel that hesistant?

Gahh!! One more Skirt of Virgin to make Pretend Murdered and I'll be attempting to in for the nite. Arrgghhh drop it Sohee!!

Shady self-destructed @ 01:16

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

This is how my world tends to feel these dayz - distorted.

I trudge along the paths with heavy footsteps. I'm preoccupied with self-destructive thoughts more often than not. I can barely concentrate in anything I do. F**k. I can barely do anything to begin with. Oh yeah ~ I can still sleep. For that I'm thankful. Though am certain that the only reason y that is happening is coz I'm way too exhausted for anything else... and probably I cling on to the hope that I may not wake. *shrugx* I get disappointed every single morning, when I open my eyes & realise that I'm still in my bed in my room... not heaven, not hell... neither is it purgartory.

Choreographed and lack of passion
Prototypes of what we were
Went full circle 'til I'm nauseous
Taken for granted now
I waste it, faked it, ate it, now i hate it

'Cause I cannot speak, I lost my voice
I'm speechless and redundant
'Cause I love you's not enough
I'm lost for words.

- "Redundant", Green Day

Maybe... maybe I should just disappear for a while. If I really do, I don't think anyone will realise that I'm gone. Hmm... then again, even if someone realises that I'm gone, I don't think the person will care.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:29

Monday, May 07, 2007

How can anyone not love a movie with slick dance moves?

Granted that that plot is kinda predictable. In such movies, that everything works out in the end for the main character - he'll manage to overcome the obstacle thrown to him, win the competition for his team, get the girl he's aiming for from the guy who happens to be his main rival in the competition... etc. Typical plot skeleton huh? It rids any form of suspsense and all... but what it doesn't get rid of is the "nice feeling" u get after u watch such stuff. *shrugx* Guess this kinda movies simply give a person hope that maybe someday a simillar fairytale ending will happen irl too. Yeah ~ it'll be nice if everything works out in the end... but dare I hope?

Anyway the weekend went on pretty fine. Did a couple of things I wanted to do - had a good steamboat dinner on Sat, went for a tan Sun morning (ended up with a slight sunburn on the face -.-") and got an external hdd that I'm gonna check out at the end of this day. Hmm... those stuff did make me feel good for a while, but the good mood doesn't last long. Wonder what does it take for me to be 100% happy even for a bit.

Envy. Thatz what got me down. And tat had an impact on my self-esteem once again. *sigh* It seems that everywhere I go I see couples. Girls smiling while clutching on to the hands of their bfs... the guys just looking so happy when they hold their girls in their arms. Yeah maybe I'm bitter and jealous. I just can't help being envious. Itz like... look at those girls. Why do they have something that I don't? Are they prettier than me? No, not all of them are. They are more girly than me though. Which makes me think... must I really don that mask to get what I want (note: want, not need)? Is that what it takes? Gahh!! The movie earlier doesn't help either. Just look @ the main female lead. She has 2 guys fighting for her attention. But look at her... and look at ME. Good lord, itz times like this that I really hate myself. Am I really that unworthy of such attention being who I am?

Much as it seems to be otherwise... why doesn't anyone understand that I'm the same deep down inside? All I want is attention I guess. You know, those kinda mindless sweet nothings... those little actions now and then - those things guys do for girls. Stuff like little thoughtful gifts now and then, an occasional SMS just to say "I miss you", when ppl notice what you like & all... etc. Fuck it lah. It just feels good when someone notices you. But me? Lolx... no one even notices that I cut my hair, no one notices that I wear a new shirt... no one notices when I get upset... oh, and even if someone notices that I'm upset, I'm just left alone to seethe. Itz just, pathetic. Then again, who the hell do I think I am??

*shrugx* Yeah guess I'm just unworthy of all that kinda things after all. Gotta get used to living w/o all that. Coz anyway... itz a "want", not a "need". *sigh* Itz just that... it'll be nice if things were different now and then. But since itz just not gonna happen... ah well ~ itz just my own stupidity... thinking that perhaps I'm worth something to someone. But it ain't fun when reality gives me a wake-up slap now and then. Gotta come to terms that I'm not living in a fairytale. Even if I am... I ain't the princess... hell, I ain't even the wicked witch. I'm just one of those insignificant ones whom the spotlight doesn't fall upon.

The blackhole that hath been sapping up all my energy these dayz? It has a name. Itz called "conflicting emotions".

Shady self-destructed @ 14:29

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Anyway just in case you are wondering... that video with "Civil War", ain't the original MV, and yes, it did incorporate scenes from Saving Private Ryan. Supposed to be a response to another youtube user video - Saving Private Metallica. That movie struck a chord in me as well. Though I don't exactly remember how the plot went, I sure do remember the emotions that surfaced when I watched it. I could barely keep the tears from running down. Though itz merely fiction. It just hurts so bad.

*sigh* War is just meaningless bloodshed. It just seems to be a game of chess between 2 disturbed individuals using real humans as pawns. Granted that a part of me still thinks that humanity should be totally destroyed... but I just can't help feeling a sense of... *shrugx* I dunno... a sense of something when I see life being taken away w/o much of a reason. Maybe I'm just getting soft as I age... maybe I'm just growing up... maybe I'm just losing control... or maybe those wounds that have been inflicted on me for the past few days are simply taking it's toll. Whatever it is, I hope that this change in me is for the better.

Yeah I'm blogging quite a lot for the past 2-3 dayz. I have to. This is the only way I can retain my sanity... it just ain't healthy bottling it all up. Been smoking more than I used to alredi. Should my phsyical self breakdown, I hope that, at the very least, my mental state is able to sustain my very existence. How do I feel now? I dunno. Itz still the same mixture of anger & pain. Then again... there's this little resignation that I'm starting to adopt. *shrugx* It just isn't fair that it seems as if I'm being crucified for nothing. But this is how Life is, isn't it? Nothing's ever fair (just look @ those fat ugly ppl around lolx). If there's anything I should complain about, then itz probably just my luck... and stupidity... to be caught up in the avalanche. I'm where I ain't supposed to be, and it just serves me right, huh?

Yep... itz just too bad for me.

*sigh* I dun wanna implode. Neither do I wish to go all-out nuclear. The former isn't too bad, coz it'll just me who is involved. The latter, will inflict much pain on others around me. Hmm... in the past I wouldn't have given a shit to whoever I take down... but I know now, that itz a horrible feeling being caught in the fray - and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. I know, I'm being a huge softie here... much as I often try to protray an entirely opposite image of myself. Maybe thatz who I really am.

There isn't really a point in destroying the world that exists now. Coz even if I somehow manage to do so... so what? The world that I wish for will still not come. (If that sounds familliar, the idea came outta Gensomaden Saiyuki - and it does make sense, to me.)

Ah well... it doesn't matter. I wonder what mask will I don tomorrow. Coz tomorrow will yet be another day ~ which means, yet another battle will rage. *shrugx* Whatever.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:19

Friday, May 04, 2007

"What we've got here is... failure to communicate. Some men, you just can't reach. So you get what we got here last week. Which is the way he wants it. Well... he gets it, and I don't like it anymore than you men."

Nice intro to a meaningful song. That ain't my fave part though. My fave parts are the verses... when they talked about young men dying & women crying. Pay attention to the lyrics especially. But that doesn't mean u should ignore the beautiful acoustics. Slash rawks!

Anyway, this song brings back memories of this Literature text I did for O'Levels. "Into the Wind". Itz a compilation of short stories actually ~ and this one that really touched me was a story about civil war. When two snipers of opposing factions faced off in a rooftop battle. The confrontation ended up with one of them dead... and the survivor somehow felt compelled to learn the identity of his enemy. Hence he rushed thru' the crossfire and turned the dead man over, only to look into the face of his brother.

This.... this one is definitely one of my all-time fave songs. Uhmm just in case you don't know the title, itz "Don't Cry" by Guns N Roses. Frankly... eh if u really don't know the title (or if you haven't heard of GNR) & especially if u are born in the 80s, congrats. You have just been labelled a dipshit by yours truly. Lolx.

Music therapy does help improve my mood. Been listening to GNR & Bon Jovi for a bit, and yeah, with stuff like that... how can you not wanna pick up the guitar and play? Itz a shame that my fingers are no longer as flexible as they used to be. Not that I was ever musically inclined, but at least I wasn't too bad. Lolx. Now, I simply suck :P Guess I'll just content myself with listening. Thank gawd for ears. *nod nod* yeah, am a tad mellow today... sticking to rock ballads and stuff liddat. Ah well ~ whatever works.

Shady self-destructed @ 22:13

Itz sad but true. Once again I feel myself losing control of the emotions that surge within me. Confusion. Self-pity. Dilemma. Most of all the rage & the hatred. Not towards anyone else. But towards myself. I'm angry with myself by wallowing in this cesspit. I hate myself for not getting out of the way.

Picture this scenario. Living in a town just at the foot of an active volcano. There's no knowing when the mountain will erupt, destroying everything in its path. This is where I placed myself. Despites all the reserves I had. I still went ahead to do it. Now am caught up in the lava, and there doesn't seem to be any place where I can hide. It threatens to destroy everything that I've built up. Know whatz the best part? I probably will continue sticking ard @ the same spot after I recover from the aftermath of the eruption. I can't blame the volcano. It does what it does. I can only blame myself for not having the strength to make any significant changes to my lifestyle - for hanging around even though I should know better. Coz time & again... when I manage to gather sufficient resolve to leave, something will happen to make me wanna stay and hope that this time, things will be different.

Seriously... what the fuck is keeping me around? However u wanna interpret the above-mentioned is up to you. I ain't gonna be specific. You can try asking me... though I might not answer truthfully, or you can try make your own deductions... which I'll neither confirm nor refute. A smattering few will be able to guess what all this is about, but heyz, are you sure?

Now you know why I'm pissed off. I'm simply asking for trouble & when trouble comes, I don't like it. Fan jian manx, totally. Look what I did to myself. All these mood swings... think it's funny? No it ain't!! Just when I think my world hath stablised... just when I think I've regain control... everything just gets thrown into turmoil again. Yes, AGAIN. Again. again. again. I'm so starting to sound like a broken record.

Fucking shit. Where the fuck is my Iron Maiden CD when I need it. Best of the Beast - thatz what I'm looking for. Come to think of it, the album is a 2-CD thingy... who the fuck borrowed one of the discs and never returned it?! If anyone who is reading this is holding the disc, you betta get it back to me, or pray that I'll never remember. Itz a compilation of their best hits, and itz one of my fave discs!! And no, I didn't remember wrong. Itz true that there's only 1 disc in the normal version. Mine is a special ed. ookie!! Nah beh. May the person who borrowed it (and the person retaining my SDK episodes - who simply went uncontactable after) burn in Hell.

*takes a deep breath* No I will not lose it. This frustration may be exhausting, but I will survive this like I did every other time. Whenever a situation like this takes place, I get stronger. I build up more walls to replace the ones that have fallen, preparing myself for the next onslaught. Gah!! I wonder, at the end of the day... when the battlefield is covered with blood - how much of that red liquid is mine.

The only thing I'm wondering is... what the fuck are u thinking? You think this is amusing? You think this is entertaining? Lolx, come to think of it, yeah maybe it is. I just don't see it coz I'm the one @ the receiving end. Maybe the only reason y I'm still refusing to back off is coz some sadistic part of me is loving all this misery.

Know what? We should all grow up and get a Life. A simple & uneventful one.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:39

Oh yeah, I forgot. The smoking incident (thanx for the reminder, shan). This really weird thing happened. One evening, my dad received a phone call from the Moron living downstairs. Yes... Moron, with a capital "M". Apparently the only question he posed to my dad was - does anyone smoke in your house? Then he went on to complain that he smelt ciggie smoke in his place in the afternoon. Doh. Of coz my dad responded by asking if itz not right to smoke in his own home... and also mentioned that logically, ciggie smoke travels upwards - NOT downwards... so even if anyone smokes in the house, it shouldn't be his problem. Lolx. Kudos to my dad!! Yeah!! Anyway ~ that certainly couldn't have been me or my bro. Basically... the smoke was "smelt" in the afternoon. I don't go over on a weekday noon - and neither is my bro home coz he has a day job. So yeah. Difficult to believe that such bo liao lifeforms exist on this planet huh?

Beware... coz he might be the next terrorist. *grinx* Why, might u ask? Well... itz always been my pov that terrorists are really bored f**ks that have nothing betta to do with their lives... hence they start some drama to get in the limelight. Crazy farts. Lolx.

Anyway ~ itz been a day loading up on metal. Feels good. Am starting to fall in love with the genre all over again. Heyz... wait a min, I never stopped loving metal =) Currently listening to Rhapsody's Symphony of Enchanted Lands Vol. II - The Dark Secret. *grinx* Yeah this is what u get when u cross metal with D&D. Salutationz to DP who sent me the album. Damn... speaking of which, where in the world did he disappear to? Manx ~ I really do wish to see him online sometime soon.

A gentle reminder though...

Just becoz I stay slient, doesn't mean I like what is going on.
Just becoz I don't close my eyes, doesn't mean I enjoy what I see.
Just becoz I don't retaliate, doesn't mean that I'm afraid of you.
Just becoz I sheathe my sword, doesn't mean itz broken.
Just becoz I allow u an edge over me now and then, doesn't mean that you have become my puppetmaster.
Just becoz I grant you access into my world, doesn't mean you can shake it's foundations anytime u feel like doing so.

And...

Just becoz I don't take flight, doesn't mean my wings are broken.

It'll serve you well to remember that all I am is merely asleep. I didn't depart, and I never will. The fire still burns somewhere within - gently but surely. For where there are corners of the soul where the Light will never reach. In those shadows I currently dwell. For your sake, and the sake of all the innocents around... let me remain where I am and don't try provoking me any further than you alredi have. Coz there's nothing I ain't capable of when those eyes of mine finally open.

Am tired of allowing the actions of others to affect my mood. Indifference is what I seek. And indifferent is what I will become.

Seven wizards came from distant lands
To meet kings, dwarves, elves and dragonlords
Elgard's eye can see the fear of the world
It's the last dramatic angels' call

- "The Last Angels' Call", Rhapsody

Shady self-destructed @ 11:35

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Metal: A Headbanger's Journey

Why has Metal been consistently stereotyped, condemned & dismissed by so many people ever since it came into the scene? Let me answer this question for you. And nopex, I don't need any facts to back this up. The simple reason is being... society needs a scapegoat when things go wrong. When kids f**k up their lives, when they become violent & start killing each other... the finger points to anyone/anything who is prevalent in their lives - be it movies, music, cartoons... etc. (yesh even cartoons!! Now u know why I think those folks are simply ridiculous?). Heavy metal just happens to be "at the wrong place, at the wrong time". Most oftenly, when kids grow up fucked, itz coz their parents (and probably everything else around them) are fucked - itz a shame, but folks just don't wanna admit this!

PS. Hmm... ookie, to be frank am kinda ticked off here so this entry wouldn't be as eloquent as it should be. And oh, if u think I'm insulting ur religion in the process... pls... I'm not. D-u-h. This is about a music genre, not about which God/s u pray to.

Ohhh... don't gimme the shit that metal is all about devil worship, sex & violence. Yeah yeah, itz commonly viewed that heavy metal listeners are worshipers of the devil. Ookie, I concur. Some fans take it to the extreme. Itz more of an "image" thing really. Conforming to certain stereotypes set by metal-culture. *nod nod* Itz all about conforming once again... in order to feel a sense of belonging. Somewhere along the way, it becomes expected that if you listen to metal, u gotta have loooooooong untidy hair, u gotta dress up like a metalhead, u gotta go around waving the sign of the devil (the horned thingy)... and oh, u gotta be a satanist. *shrugx* That itself, is a stereotype. A stereotype that has, unfortunately, been perpetuated by the very things metalheads do.

btw... I listen to heavy metal. Am not sure if I could be labelled a "metalhead", but metal is definitely one of my preferred genres. Sounds betta than the trashy shit u get on the radio these dayz. There are many sub-genres... and frankly, I don't really know much about those... and uhmmm neither do I really give a shit. Point is, do u see me going around killing people, wide-spreading Satan worship... etc.? Hell... do I even walk around being loud and violent? My words may be peppered with vulgarities, no doubt, but *grinx* I look like one of the more harmless folks around. I blend into the crowd (and height has nothing to do that this!). Lolx, maybe itz coz I'm simply a non-conformist.

Hmm... Malao mentioned about some artists being soft-spoken in the documentary. Thatz another stereotype manx. Gotta remember that performers usually adopt an on-stage persona. And that persona doesn't necessary reflect their true nature. Besides, everyone certainly has more than one side to them.

Ah well ~ don't think I can type further. My brain is too clogged up to think. Hmm... anyway after all this, whatz my point? My point is - stop stereotyping manx!! Am sick & tired of people placing labels on every single thing. Tell ppl that I listen to metal... one of the reactions I'm certain to get is the question asking if I'm Malay (and that is just one of the many labels I kenna all the time - other labels: short hair + t-shirt & berms = butch; watch soccer & WWE = boy; tattoos = rebel... do me a favour lah... just fuck off). What?? Only Malays are allowed to listen to metal? Where the f**k did that perception come frm siahx. C'mon manx. Get real. Grow up & open ur fucking eyes. If ur eyelids are sealed shut, then seal ur mouth too.

Anyway... simple reason why people just don't like Metal is coz Metal is all about self-expression. Itz about passion, doing what u like just coz u like it... and there isn't really much space in society for this. Sad, but true.

Up The Irons!!

Shady self-destructed @ 12:14

*sigh* Wish there was more I could do... than simply watch helplessly as things happen around me. All I can do is wait & get a grip of my own sanity. Coz I'm but human, am no superhero - much as I love to be.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:28

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Phew ~ finally I'm a Priest!! It was such a pain getting to Job lv. 50 bt am glad I did it so I could skip the 1st test. Heh... besides, there were just too many skills to obtain. Then spent a little time on ShaDy before I went to town. Managed to get a few levels too - but both swordie & thief are on the "slow periods" now... so yeah, will see how it goes lah. Dun wanna rush too much, depriving myself of sleep :P

Lolx... anyway it was at the expense of my classes today. One was cancelled by the kid. Then after, was simply too sian to move so I cancelled the nxt one too. *shrugx* True, u can say that I'm totally sick of tuition. Sick & tired of travelling all around the West area to be exact. But manx... till I get a full-time job, I will perserve.

Shady self-destructed @ 02:05

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

+ A r c h i v e s +

02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
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06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009

+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

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