Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Monday, April 30, 2007

kono mama tachidomaru yori
miageta sora no takasa ni
akirameru yori
sugita toki wa sagamete mo
ashita wa dare mo shiranai
aragau koto wa mada dekiru hazu

aseru kimochi no urade
wasurerarenai
negai wo dakishimeteiru kara

kouya ni onaji me wo shita
yasashii oikaze wo atsumete
yukou koko kara hajimaru mirai e

"Advanced Wind" - Michiko Naruke

Opening intro song of Wild Arms 3 (though I'm playing the English version with the English opening, I still prefer the Jap version). Wish I lived in a world where I could be a Drifter too. Where I have a choice... whether to live a "normal life" as one of the townsfolk (NPCs) or I could take a journey to seek my own end. Yes, a pretty decent Drifter I would be. Travelling the lands, exploring dungeons, meeting new people. It is a dangerous world out there, but I will be fine. It'll be interesting if I could go on a Quest to save the world too. If I should have that
opportunity, I wonder if I'd be a lone traveller or will I eventually meet up with folks who have the same goal? *shrugx*

Lolx this is what too much RPGs does to you. It makes u develop unrealistic thoughts about everything.

Then again ~ it doesn't really hurt to dream, does it?

Interesting. There's a character named Shady in WA3. A weird looking magical cat -.-" Kinda cute in its own way... but looks as if it stepped out frm the world of pokemon. Ain't one of the mains. Just a member of a rival Drifer party encountered frequently in the the game.

Anyway things screwed up as expected - didn't manage to go for the tan. *sigh* Am still pale. The only consolation is, I finally got a haircut. Re-colored my hair @ the same time too. No idea what really came over me, but when the hairdresser asked what color I wanted my hair to be, the answer was simple... b-l-a-c-k. Itz been a while since I saw myself with black hair. Lolx. The last time was hmm... a couple of years back when I was still wrking at Secret Recipe? Manx, I could barely recognise myself in the mirror. Apparently the guy who did my hair-color did such a stunt once... and he immediately went for a bleach again the very next day. Hahaha ~ as for me? Ah well... will just stick to this goody-two-shoes boring look for awhile. Besides, it does seem to have a bluish tint under sunlight :P

You know what? After some thought, maybe it IS possible to be a Drifter in this day & age... in this world I live in afterall. It ain't gonna be easy. Itz gonna take a huge amount of effort to get my ass outta this boring but comfortable existence I've built. It sure is gonna be kinda lonely... but... well :S

I should spend more time with the PS2.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:07

Saturday, April 28, 2007

"Time grows short. The heat tires me and I sleep more each day. Soon I shall enter the birth sleep and then I shall end this phase of existence." - The Oracle of Aal, 'Shadow of a Dark Queen', Raymond E. Feist.

Thatz the book I'm reading currently. Am caught up in the Serpent War Saga. Gonna hunt for the remaining 3 bks when I go to town this Sun. Been quite sometime since I read any of his novels. I started off with Riftwar: The World on the Other Side Trilogy - "Daugther of the Empire", "Servant of the Empire" & "Mistress of the Empire". Don't ask me what those books are about. I can barely remember. All I can remember is the main character is this girl who rose to become the Queen or something. Oh... I can also remember that I enjoyed the books. Should time permit (and should I not have other distractions) I shall re-read them in the near future.

Yeah... should time permit. The reason y I love that above line is coz... I'm tired. Both physically & mentally. Yes, again. Am not sure how long I can keep myself sane. Perhaps, I too, should admit myself into a mental facility. To take a breather of sorts... and maybe @ the same time, learn to keep my mind under control. The lack of sleep hath taken it's toll on me. *sigh* Some people sleep off a bad mood. Me? I avoid sleep... coz the nxt day comes too soon when I slumber... and I don't really wanna face it. I deleted my previous post. Don't wanna remember how bad it was (not that itz any betta rite now). Yeah, currently... I just wanna live in denial. Lie to myself that everything's okay. I don't have the energy to face it. And fuck it lah, I don't wanna face it ookie!! Just let me dwell in my delusion, escape into my little hermit crab shell, while I still can.

Try as hard as I can, I can't deny my true nature. I can't prevent things from crumbling around me. And when things crumble, there's nothing I can do except go thru' the pieces & salvage whatever that remains. The best thing is? I'm always the one who brings about the destruction of everything - by my words, by my actions. *shakes head* I just can't help screwing up. Thatz coz I'm weak. I can't keep all my emotions under control & I tend to lash out, affecting everyone in the crossfire.

I don't know. I feel like simply going to sleep... for an extended period of time. Hibernation. Thatz what most ppl would call it. Yeah, seems pretty apt a word to use. Perhaps I should do that. I should just shut down certain parts of myself & run on auto-pilot till my strength returns... and I can play this game again. So I guess, one day... when u notice that there's a change in my MSN nick, you'll know that I've closed off certain parts of myself... and put on a new mask to face to world with - probably one that comes with another personality. A new personality that I'll live with till either ShaDy or The Archangel returns. *shrugx* And I've got no idea how she'll be.

I'm so tired. I'm so fucking tired but I can't sleep. When I sleep, itz another restless night over and over again. Am surprised tat my eyebags aren't showing as yet. Looked @ myself in the mirror earlier, and this pale yellowish face stared back at me. What the hell manx ~

Am looking forward to Sun. Will be going for a tan... if nothing screws up, that is. These days, I don't even dare hope anymore. I don't dare look forward to anything. Coz nothing is 100% certain. Things screw up around me. Like it or otherwise. yeah... one might think that I should have gotten use to such stuff by now. I've gotten used to it. I've gotten used to things not working out the way I hope they will... but getting used to something doesn't mean I've gotta like something - hell, it doesn't even make it any easier to bear. Disappointment never is easy to swallow, unlike panadol.

Well... anyway, back to the novel. Am almost 3/4 thru'. Itz due this Sun. Hopefully I have enuff energy to finish it. Wouldn't wanna spend 50 cents on renewal fees. Neither do I wanna pay the overdue penalty. Like any other novel I adore, character development is pretty good. And the storyline... opens up a new world to me. New worlds, in this case. *grinx* Yeah, I do tend to lose myself into some fantasy... perhaps thatz why I love rp. Makes me forget reality for that short period of time.

This world? Itz the world of Midkemia.

The story opens with a battle. Makes me wish that I'm actually living in those times. Battle scenes always stir something deep down inside. Of what am not too sure. What I'm sure of is that I won't be one of those peasants - those mindless commoners. I won't be a noble either... coz I doubt I'll ever have luck to be born into nobility. I'll probably be a mercernary, living my life by the sword... or rather, the dagger. I wonder how it feels like. To trust your commrades, to fight side by side with the people you'll willingly give up ur life for... the kinship sounds appealing. I don't take well to living under some stringent code so I guess being a kingdom soldier or a knight for real is outta the question. Then again... if I could, I'd rather travel with a simple party, comprising of like-minded ppl, than actually being part of a large army. Going solo is an option too... but a lonely one.

*smiles* I wonder if anyone, especially those who have know me for long, know that I don't like lonliness as much as I seem to?

Then there is this Hall of Worlds. Itz self-explanatory. A place where there are portals to other worlds. In the novel, it is mentioned briefly that there's a 'lunatic' who explores the worlds. I'll gladly be that lunatic and satisfy whatever wanderlust I have. But yeah... travels will be meaningless w/o a place to return to. I'll make the Inn my home. I'll take my breaks there... but most of the time, I'll just be wandering around. The Hall does sound like a wonderful place to live. I wonder if such things exist in this reality. And if it does, what do I have to do to acquire the power neccessary?

Anyway ~ the latest scene that made an impression on me was the death of one Billy Goodwin. He didn't die in battle. No. One minute he was riding. The next minute, his gelding reared up, he lost control of the reins, fell off... and just died. Shows you how unpredictable Life is, isn't it? There's no knowing when the icy fingers of Death will touch you. *shrugx* For all you know, this may be the last entry I'll ever make. Much as I'd love to live a life w/o regrets, I know I'll have tons of unfinished tasks when itz time for me to go. Should I die tonite. Will the people I love know exactly how much I love them? Will they even know who I really am?

This is really starting to sound like the rantings of a madman, doesn't it? Am I okay? Well... I am - technically. Do u think I'll respond otherwise? Whenever someone asks me the question "how are u?" I'm at a loss of words. Either I'll reply by saying that I'm alright... or I'll just say that I could be better. Both are the truth I suppose. Yet another day awaits me tomorrow. Wish that someday... I'll be able to respond to the above-mentioned question with the words "I'm doing good".

Likewise, I wouldn't even exist a thousand years later.

Shady self-destructed @ 01:38

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Itz half-time @ Old Trafford & Manchester United are down 2-1 -.-" All 3 goals scored by Brazillians. Jeez... initially I thought that there was hope, when Ronaldo scored during the 6th min. But Milan were relentless & Man Utd's defence were !#%&~ Ferguson's gonna throw a fit in the dressing room during the break, thatz for sure!! *shrugx* If you ask me, Man Utd is as good as outta the competition now. Considering that Milan how has 2 away goals. Yeah itz amazing that I'm still awake at this hour, and itz even more amazing that I'm actually watching the match (cross-stitching at the same time though) - been a long while since I watched any match at this ungodly hour. To think I used to do it all the time when I was in poly. Am really gonna be zombified tml for sure.

Ah well ~ anyway was looking at my tattoo in the mirror earlier. Doesn't look good. Itz fully healed now... and the color isn't even. NO!! I did NOT peel so rightfully it should heal like my other tattoos did!! Not to mention, I can actually feel the goddamned thing. Good tattoos shouldn't be 3D - take the one on my lower back for example. The difference is obvious. Gahh!! Will change an artist when I get my nxt one. I'd rather pay more for something that looks much betta. Think I gotta return for a touch up on this one sometime in the future. Ain't gonna let the same guy do it though.

Hmm... RO progress rate is slower than expected. Logging on to the server is getting uber annoying too - gotta try like multiple times b4 actually getting into the character screen. Am spending too much time hunting for items instead of really levelling. Not that all that hunting was in vain. Managed to get 1 ss card & a creamy card just the other day & got a clip [1] earlier just by sheer luck - wasn't even thinking of it when I found it. Ahhh I just hope I can get my Vitata card soon. It'll be a bene if Erulisse can heal herself. At the moment, she's "camping" at Ant Hell. Maybe I should bring her to gain another level on the fields sometime soon, before going back. Bored lah.

Gahhh!! Wonder when is DP gonna come back online. Itz alredi way past mid April *grumbles* Kinda miss chatting to him and all. Hahah yeah ~ I do miss people when I haven't seen/spoken to them for quite sometime.

Phew ~ RO did improve my mood a little. Then again, it might be coz my mood usually lightens up darkness falls. *yawn* Think I ain't gonna finish watching the 2nd half. Am goddamned sleepy rite now. Plus tml is gonna be a busy day.

Death by Vocal - poor piggy

Shady self-destructed @ 04:45

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

*yawn* Ain't it wonderful? Yet another rainy day. Itz been raining since morning. Where did all the water come from manx? Gonna be another cold & wet day for me again. Lost count of the times when I was forced to travel in the rain... my windbreaker is having this weird smell, my shoes & sock are never fully dry... hell, even the cloth I keep in the back seat of Harusame is so wet that it can't soak up much water anymore. And to think I'm leaving in 10 min. 3 lessons in a row with 1/2hr breaks in between. Can't take public transport even if I wish to. Once again I wish I could just stay home & snooze. Had about 45min of Zzz time earlier, and it ain't enuff. It was a sleepless, restless nite last nite. Rest evaded me again.

Doesn't help that it ain't only raining islandwide, itz raining it my world too. *sigh* All this moodiness... brings to mind this album title - "Melancholy & Infinite Sadness". What the fuck manx. Really... wad the fuck.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:10

Saturday, April 21, 2007

I wanna scream @ the top of my voice... till I exhaust myself so badly... till I knock myself out for the rest of the day. I can't - I've got a term exam tomorrow that I gotta study for. I wanna run over all those morons who block my way on the road. I can't - I don't drive a monster truck. I want to rant and rant... and rant. I can't - the words don't seem to flow today. At least not coherently. Too many thoughts running ard my mind @ the same time. I wanna shoot myself between my eyes. I wanna FUCKING DIE!!!! I can't. I don't have a FUCKING GUN FOR GAWD'S SAKE!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME AGAIN TODAY? WHY DID I NOT KEEP THAT FUCKING MOUTH OF MINE SHUT AND WHY DID I GET MYSELF INTO THIS KINDA MOOD ONCE AGAIN WHEN I NEED TO FUCKING STUDY?! How the fuck am I supposed to concentrate this way??

I can't even fucking cry rite now. I wanna explode. You know how that feels? huh huh huh?! FUCK YOU LAH. YOU DON'T COZ YOU AIN'T ME!!!

What? MY FAULT AGAIN? Fine fine fine FINE FINE FINE FINE FINE!!!!! Blame me. Itz always me... no one else. Just ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. I'm the greatest sinner in the world. I deserve all this shit I've gotten myself into coz I am stupid alrite? Yeah I AM STUPID. GOT IT?! STUPID FUCK. When I can, I am gonna kill myself. Why didn't I slam into the back of the van earlier? Well.. I probably wouldn't have died, considering the speed I was going... hence I slammed on the brakes. Why didn't some trailer appear outta no where and FUCKING RUN ME DOWN?

Eh seriously... FUCK IT LAH!!! FUCK THE WORLD, FUCK EVERYTHING... just like the T-shirt I own. Fuck this, fuck that. EVERYTHING CAN JUST GO TO HELL. SEE IF I FUCKING CARE!!!

*takes a deep breath*

Lyrics... lyrics... where are the fucking lyrics to Eminem's Superman? Ookie here goes. Maybe this will calm me down a little.

[Dina Rea:]
Mmmhh

[Eminem:]
You high baby?

[Dina Rea:]
Yeahh...

[Eminem:]
Yeah?

[Dina Rea:]
hahaha..Talk to me...

[Eminem:]
You want me to tell you somethin?

[Dina Rea:]
Uh huh...

[Eminem:]
I know what you wanna hear...
'Cuz I know you want me baby I think I want you too...

[Dina Rea:]
I think I love you baby...

[Eminem:]
I think I love you too...
I'm here to save you girl,
Come be in shady's world,
I wanna grow together,
Let's let our love unfurl.
You know you want me baby,
You know I want you too,
They call me Superman,
I'm here to rescue you,
I wanna save you girl,
come be in Shady's world...

[Dina Rea:]
oh boy you drive me crazy...

[Eminem:]
Bitch you make me hurl...

[Eminem:]
They call me Superman,
Leap tall hoes in a single bound,
I'm single now,
Got no ring on this finger now,
I'll never let another chick bring me down,
In a relationship, save it bitch, babysit? you make me sick,
Superman aint savin shit, girl you can jump on shady's dick,
Straight from the hip, cut to the chase,
I'll tell a mo'fuckin slut to her face,
Play no games, say no names, ever since I broke up with what's her face,
I'm a different man, kiss my ass, kiss my lips, bitch why ask?
Kiss my dick, hit my cash, i'd rather have you whip my ass,
Don't put out? i'll put you out,
Won't get out? i'll push you out,
Puss blew out, copin shit,
Wouldn't piss on fire to put you out,
Am I too nice? buy you ice,
Bitch if you died, wouldn't buy you life,
What you tryin to be, my new wife?
What you Mariah? fly through twice,
But I do know one thing though,
Bitches they come, they go,
Saturday through sunday monday,
Monday through sunday yo,
Maybe i'll love you one day,
Maybe we'll someday grow,
Till then just sit your drunk ass on that fuckin runway hoe...

[Chorus:]
'Cuz I can't be your superman,
Can't be your superman,
Can't be your superman,
Can't be your superman,
I can't be your superman,
Can't be your superman,
Can't be your superman,
Your superman, your superman...

[Eminem:]
Don't get me wrong,
I love these hoes,
It's no secret,
Everybody knows,
Can't we fuck?
Bitch so what?
That's about as far as your buddy goes,
We'll be friends,
I'll call you again,
I'll chase you around every bar you attend,
Never know what kind of car i'll be in,
[Woman Screaming]
We'll see how much you'll be partying then,
You don't want that,
Neither do I,
I don't wanna flip when I see you with guys,
Too much pride,
Between you and I,
Not a jealous man, but females lie,
But I guess that's just what sluts do,
How could it ever be just us two?
Never loved you enough to trust you,
We just met and I just fucked you,
But I do know one thing though,
Bitches they come they go,
Saturday through Sunday monday,
Monday through Sunday yo,
Maybe I'll love you one day,
Maybe we'll someday grow,
'Till then just sit your drunk ass on that fuckin runway hoe...

[Eminem & Dina Rae Over Chorus 2x]

[Eminem:]
I know you want me baby,
I think I want you too...

[Dina Rea:]
I think I love you baby...

[Eminem:]
I think I love you too,
I'm here to save you girl,
Come be in shady's world,
I wanna grow together,
Lets let our love unfurl,
You know you want me baby,
You know I want you too,
They call me Superman,
I'm here to rescue you,
I wanna save you girl,
Come be in shady's world...

[Dina Rea:]
Oh boy you drive me crazy...

[Eminem:]
Bitch you make me hurl.

[Eminem:]
First thing you said...

[Eminem As Women:]
I'm not phazed,
I hang around big stars all day,
I don't see what the big deal is anyway,
You're just plain ol' Marshall to me...

[Eminem:]
Ooh yeah girl run that game...

[Eminem As Women:]
Haily Jade...I love that name,
Love that tattoo...what's that say?
'rot in pieces' aww that's great...

[Eminem:]
First off you don't know Marshall,
Add also, don't grow partial,
That's ammo for my arsenal,
I'll snap you off that bar stool,
There goes another lawsuit,
Leave handprints all accross you,
Good lordy-wody you must be blown off that water bottle,
You want what you can't have,
Ooh girl that's too damn bad,
Don't touch what you can't grab,
End up with two back hands,
Put Anthrax on a Tampax and slap you till you can't stand,
Girl you just blew your chance,
Don't mean to ruin your plans,
But I do know one thing though,
Bitches they come they go,
Saturday through Sunday Monday,
Monday through Sunday yo,
Maybe I'll love you one day,
Maybe we'll someday grow,
'Till then just sit your drunk ass on that fuckin runway hoe...

[Eminem & Dina Rae Over Chorus 2x]

[Eminem:]
I know you want me baby,
I think I want you too...

[Dina Rea:]
I think I love you baby...

[Eminem:]
I think I love you too,
I'm here to save you girl,
Come be in Shady's world,
I wanna grow together,
Lets let our love unfurl,
You know you want me baby,
You know I want you too,
They call me Superman,
I'm here to rescue you,
I wanna save you girl,
Come be in shady's world...

[Dina Rea:]
Oh boy you drive me crazy...

[Eminem:]
Bitch you make me hurl.

[Chorus 2x B/W Dina Rea Singing]

Pretty words, for a pretty song. Just change all the masculine to feminine and vice versa then it'll be perfect for me. Thatz it. Instead of self-destructing, am gonna go into auto-shut down mode instead.

- transmission ended -

Shady self-destructed @ 18:24

Thursday, April 19, 2007

A world of drugs... a story of betrayal. I finally got the chance to watch "The Protégé" - starring Andy Lau & Daniel Wu. Or rather, I finally managed to set some time aside for myself to watch it. To take a short break frm life & not multi-task all the time. Hell, my wrist is hurting from all that RO the nights before. Anyway ~ this is a movie worth watching. Well ~ it does illustrate the 'horrors' of dabbling in drugs... how it destroys a person & implicates the people around. No comment about that portrayl. Am not a druggie so I'll nvr know whether itz realistic or otherwise. I wouldn't wanna know either. I smoke, I drink... I've got tattoos & body piercings. Plus I've done some uhm... "illegal" stuff in my lifetime.

But I'll never start on drugs.

[Caution: Spoiler ahead]

Itz the theme of betrayal that got me. *shrugx* I wouldn't know if such things happen irl, but being an undercover means u gotta betray people who trust you. What kinda person can possibly do such a thing? Oh yeah ~ u can see Daniel Wu's character struggle with his internal conflict. The question that popped out - if it was me in that position, would I be able to do it? Itz mentioned in the movie, that whatever feelings Daniel's character had for Andy Lau's character doesn't really exist. That everything is simply an act. How in the world can anyone live this way?

Come to think of it, who is the bad guy here? The druglord who destroys millions of lives coz he produces heroin, or the undercover who plays with the druglord's feelings & destroys not only his life, but that of his family? Hmm... thinking further, can u blame the druglord for destroying the lives of the drug takers? If there's no demand, surely there wouldn't be any supply. Rite? Itz just one entire vicious circle. Like what Andy Lau's character mentioned, no one forced the druggies to start on drugs. Yeah ~ they are made avaliable. Hence the temptation is there. But so what? I'll stick to the line many of u have heard before - Temptation only enters thru' doors that have been deliberatly left open.

As for quitting. Dun fuck with me. Anyone can quit anything if he/she really wants to. What? Why are u looking @ me this way?? Lolx.

Alrite, so shoot me. Why haven't I quit smoking?

I kept saying that I wanna quit. I keep giving myself stupid deadlines. But hell, I'm even taking a puff while typing this entry. I can come out with tons of excuses justify my actions - stress, anger, restlessness. *grinx* I ain't saying that breaking a habit is easy. It is difficult. Credit to those who have done it. But I know I can do it. That is if I set my mind to do so. So why am I still smoking? Simple. I just never had the motivation to stop. Perhaps someday, when I find a reason to really live for... I will. Or perhaps someday, when I simply get tired of the taste of a ciggie, I will. Or maybe when I replace it with some other habit (yes, I won't call it an addiction... I don't break out in cold sweat & all when I don't smoke for a day), I will. Till then ~ aiyah, just get off my back lah!!

*sigh* Every situation that has become part of ur life becomes a chain that binds you. And it takes alot of strength to snap it. Be it... the habit of being lazy. Be it... a r/s u know that goes no where. Be it... well... anything I suppose. Don't wanna allow my thoughts to carry on this path. Coz I'll probably end up being all emo again. Not that I mind that much. Itz just that, am not in the mood to be emo. Thatz all.

Lolx. I am such an ass.

Gahhh once again I'm overwhelmed by sloth. Itz really tempting to cancel the classes I've got later. I just feel like taking it easy this afternoon, then start studying later in the evening. Should I? Decisions, decisions, decisions. Maybe Life would really be easier if I didn't have a choice in anything - if there's someone dictating everything I do... and I have to do it (coz I know if someone tries to tell me what to do... I'll rebel sooner or later just to get a kick outta it). Ah well.. will give myself another 15min to make up my mind. Yes yes... procrastination again. Don't u just feel like beating the shit outta me?

Too bad. Am outta ur reach.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:14

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

This is what happens when u play too many games -.-" *shrugx* Am not too sure if that video is real but if it is... that boy certainly has issues.

Anyway, created a new character on acRO. A swordie - ShaDy [coz I can't think of any other name]. But am still unsure which direction she'll take. Am tired of AGI swordies so guess I'll go VIT all the way... but am wondering if I should go towards 2H-sword or Spear. Gahh!! High chances are that I'll skew towards the spear direction... since I've nvr created a spear knight b4. Which means I gotta spare sometime to check out the necessary cards & eq and decide on a character build. *mumbles* Will do that after my Jap exam. No hurry anyway, since she's still in the novice stage ^-^

Ah well ~ in the meantime, I'll just continue hunting for items using Erulisse. She's 9 job lvls away frm becoming a sin so guess itz time to start collecting eq & weaps for the nxt stage! Spent the entire of last nite doing so, at the expense of other stuff. Goal for today? Obtain all her additional thief skills. Will let Sakuya rest for a little - though am pretty eager to get her up to priest.

Exams just rite around the corner. Am starting to feel a slight panic. Hmm ~ am arranging a study session on Sunday though - for some last minute mugging with a friend & a schoolmate that I got to know recently (via smoking @ the staircase lolx). Ack for my sake, I just hope the depressive mood will hold back a little. The one yesterday morning disappeared soon enuff... only to return suddenly at night. Thankfully RO pushed it away. Rite now? My mood - sianx. At the thought of the tuition classes I gotta endure later. *yawn* How I wish I could just cancel everything and ... die.

As usual ~

Shady self-destructed @ 11:49

Monday, April 16, 2007

No idea why but am suddenly feeling depressed -.-"

Perhaps itz an early Monday blues thingy... or perhaps itz just my hormones screwing up. Then again, perhaps I shouldn't be listening to Savage Garden. Should have loaded on heavy metal - much healthier. Then again, I'll end up filled with angst. Lolx. But yeah... just got this uber sian kinda feeling that not even RO could help. Should have gone to play TS2 instead *mumbles* Anyway, managed to lvl up twice while hunting for items for the additional thief skills quest. Guess I'll just call it a nite. Itz gonna be a loooooong Mon, but somehow I know I'll get thru' it. Am gonna try push for an assassin within this week. Will let my acolyte rest for a little - till DP comes back. Then I'll go hunt for my ss cards.

Why the fuck am I even blogging all that. No idea. Just need to type a little... some form of detox before I turn in I suppose. Well, am still listening to Savage Garden. Hmm... and somehow, this particular verse from "Tears of Pearls" tugs @ me.

We twist and turn where angels burn
Like fallen soldiers we will learn
Once forgotten, twice removed
Love will be the death...
The death of you

Shady self-destructed @ 00:58

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Watford 1 Man Utd 4. Nice game =)

Anyway ain't gonna blog about the match. There's something in my mind rite now that I'm trying to make sense of. I've got this friend, who has a boyfriend. Coinidentally his name is Ben too [now I'm starting to think that all Bens are bastards - coz I never met a decent one so far... even the jerk who borrowed my SDK anime & disappeared is named Ben!]. And yes, he is a total jerk manx. *sigh* Girls can be pretty weak when they are in love with someone. Like no one could understand why I kept giving Ben chances time & again, I will probably never understand why she's still sticking with him too.

It seems to me that he's only meeting up with her for $. Tell me, what kinda bf doesn't wanna hold his gf's hand in public? And when friends call him and ask about his wereabouts, he'll just say that he's with a "friend" when he's with her. Plus he doesn't send her home. She's the one who's always paying for their 'dates' - if u can call those dates to begin with. From what I know, he's always borrowing $ frm her when she meets up with him. Meet alredi, take $ alredi then nothing much liaox. Oh ~ the thing that doesn't make sense at all is he's the one who wants to borrow $ and it's always my friend who has to go down to look for him. Shouldn't it be the other way round? #*%!&~

*sigh* Love is really a useless emotion. It makes logical people think with their hearts & carry out seemingly illogical actions. Ah well ~ I know how that feels. Grasping on to that stupid hope that somehow all this nonsense is just a phase... and that it'll pass, and he'll go back to being the nice guy that he once was. Know what? For her sake, I hope she's right. Coz I doubt any advice anyone can give will be of any help. Guess deep down inside, she knows the guy is an asshole, but refuses to admit it to herself.

All that self-denial. All that internal conflict. That kinda conflict that ur mind is telling u something... screaming out to u to wake up - and yet u ignore it, choosing to cling on to a hope that is born from self-delusion. Constantly naking up excuses for the guy, telling urself that he must be acting that way due to some external reason. And during that period, knowingly inflict emotional wounds on urself. Coz you'll end up feeling so shitty. End up feeling pissed at urself coz you don't have the strength necessary to walk away. Self-esteem goes even lower. Feeling lost and all.

S-U-I-C-I-D-A-L lah hor !!

Best thing is, all this crap affects a person physically too. She's losing weight. Just as how I lost weight (the only difference is I lost all that weight w/o all that retching - unhealthy lah girl!!!). Probably not sleeping well, not enjoying stuff she used to enjoy. Feeling simply drained and exhausted... oh manx. This sounds oh so familliar.

Thatz one f**ked up feeling... I know. Coz I felt that way once. Thankfully I don't feel that way about Ben anymore. Rite now, he's nothing more than a thorn in my side that I can't wait to get rid of. Slightly less than another year to go... I'll definitely survive that.

I won't say I've grown any smarter or stronger in that kinda way after these past few years - though I sure became slightly more independent... living alone w/o my parents and all. But I just know that, if the same thing happens to me again, I'll end up listening to my heart more than my head & I'll probably make the same "mistakes" all over again. For my sake. I just hope I don't get into anymore situations like this. Coz frankly I don't know how much more of this kinda shit I can take and still survive.

Dying inside is worse than dying - if you get wad I mean.

PS. If you happen to be reading this... well, heyz, I ain't mocking u or anything. I kinda understand y u are doing the things u are. And if this post really bothers u.. let me know and I'll delete it.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:25

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Met up with an SIM classmate last nite & he had the same reaction as everyone else. Commenting that I've lost weight -.-" Hmm... I wonder why is it so obvious that everyone who hasn't seen me for more than a year could tell. Coz frankly, I think itz only like -3kg or so? *mumbles* Think what I really lost is body mass. Looking @ myself, and trying on some of my old clothes, itz apparent that I've shrunk. Thatz not a good thing. I'm getting further away frm my goal of 45kg. Ahhhh I know, I keep complaining & I'm not doing anything about it. Keep telling myself that I gotta work out, but I don't have the motivation to get my ass off the chair. The minute I get home & turn Phoenix on, thatz it. Am pretty much rooted till my rendevous with the Sandman. Intending to bring my weights home frm my parents' place - for my arms. But I keep forgetting. Hopefully I'll remember this weekend.

Wonder if I should try consuming weight gainer??

Ah well ~ whatever. Am super tempted to go for a Class 2A license. My ideal bike will be an NSR250R. Hmm... not too sure if I'll be able to handle the weight & height. Gotta wait till a friend gets his bike back frm the shop & I'll try get a test ride. *mumbles* Not that I'm disatisfied with Harusame. Itz just that... well, I dunno. Time for an upgrade? Considering that I've been riding for almost 3 yrs alredi. Then again ~ I might stick with Harusame even after I get the 2A. Who knows?

Anyway, speaking of Harusame. Am ticked off. Realised today that some clown removed one of the screws on her fairing. And apparently some goondu banged into her left mirror a few dayz ago... now itz so damn loose that it'll just shift by itself while I'm riding. Yah lah, I'm the kind who relies on mirros quite a bit so that is an inconvenience. But thatz a small matter. All I need is a damned screwdriver. Main issue is the f**king screw. Why the hell would someone steal a goddamned screw?! I've got no idea what size that is... which means I gotta bring her down to a bike shop sometime to get it replaced. *sigh* That ain't the only screw missing frm her though. One on her windshield has been gone for damn long liaox.

Such vandals deserve their fingers chopped off and ground into pulp manx. *nod nod* Ben is one of those kinda people. Itz a tad unfortunate that am no longer on talking terms with him. Usually he will be the one helping me with my bike problems. Ah well ~ I shouldn't really be depending on anyone forever anyway.

Humans are just unrealiable creatures.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:31

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Personal wishlist - yeah am gonna make it public so I can remember what the hell I've been wanting to get (as in... even if I do forget, hopefully someone can remind me) lolx, ah well, what the heck. Am just in the mood for a little typing. In alphabetical [not acquisition] order...
foot massage
full faced helmet
haircut + dye
MP3 player
portable hdd
running shoes
swimsuit
tattoo - cross w bat
waterproof windbreaker
Hmm... actually I would wanna get back in shape too. But guess it'll be quite weird considering that the above are more to... material items. Yah lah, was once again looking @ my thin little arms & hated the look of it. Itz ironic manx. Those who wanna lose weight, gain mass like nobody's business; while some like me remain thin no matter how much I eat. Wouldn't wanna contemplate about the probablity of having worms YET. Am gonna try exercise and see how things go. lolx ~

Then again... as what L mentions in "Death Note", is it true that ppl who use that brain alot don't get fat no matter how much they ingest?

Shady self-destructed @ 22:36

What Bleach Character Are You?

Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.

Doh. I was hoping for something like Renji [but frankly I'm nothing like him - am closer to Ishida actually hahaha]... then again, guess the last question decided it - are you 1. Male, 2. Female, 3. Stuffed Animal. Tried placing "Male" with the last option and ended up with Ichigo intead. -.-" Damnit. If you'd ask me, I'll say Ichigo is one hell of an emo.

Shady self-destructed @ 19:14

Online Videos by Veoh.com

This is how stupid the male species can be. Enjoy ^-^

Shady self-destructed @ 14:04

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Midweek. And I'm already exhausted. Gosh!!

Wad the hell siahx ~ I was like nodding off during tuition earlier. Think I gotta take a nap later or I won't survive the rest of tha day. *sigh* Considering that I slept pretty early last nite... this is kinda weird. Both physically & mentally I need a recharge. I'm tired manx. I'm tired of doing the things I do every single day... I'm tired of being the one who's making an effort all the time... and I'm tired of... everything. Yeah... in particular, of the people in Life who are just so !#%*~. Some pruning is required.

I gotta get rid of those who are draining my mental energies.

I'm just tired of being the one who jios ppl out all the time. I'm tired of being the one who's always coming with something to do - tired of being the one who's always suggesting. Itz difficult manx. Especially when the person just says "anything", w/o a mind of his/her own. And when u suggest something... u are either met with a 'mai lah' or an emotionless 'ok'. If itz such a chore to you... then sua lah, forgeddit!! Seriously, must I always be the one who's asking? Hmm or ookie... I get the hint. I just ain't worth any effort on ur part rite? Or are u just a numbskull? Either way, fuck you.

Then there's the breed of people who are forever busy. And amazingly, those people are free enuff to do the same activities u suggested with someone else. They only turn to you when they run outta options, or when someone stands them up @ the last minute. As an afterthought, "ookie I shall call ShaDy". Ok. I geddit. You just have better stuff to do than sparing time for me & I'm nothing more than a spare tyre. Well, fuck you too.

Another breed is the kind who treats you as if you are on-call. Plans have alredi been made. Then cancel here, cancel there. Reschedule for another day, then call again when u change ur mind. What the hell do u think I am siahx? Even if I've got nothing to do, and I've got the entire day free or something, doesn't mean that you can mess around with MY schedule this way!! Damn you, and fuck you.

*shrugx* The list can defnitely go on. But am just a little too tired to type. Oh yeah... those above-mentioned aren't reflective of anyone in particular. But if you think that it applies to you, then yeah, it probably does. Lolx. Well, what can I do frm now onwards?? Guess I'm gonna go into hermit-mode once again. Folks like that... guess my Life could be much better without. Then again, I might just be feeling selfish. The World doesn't revolve around me afterall, so I shouldn't expect anyone to have any time for me yeah? See what I mean when I mentioned b4 that people normally don't live up to my expectations? Blame it on stupidity lah. I'm just foolish to expect that I mean anything to anyone at all.

Hmm... bottom line? Fuck u all. Really. Just fuck off.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:23

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

*nod nod* Am in one of my motivated moods again. Was thinking earlier, as I was queuing up @ Shop N Save to purhcase toiletries... that I need to get a FT job soon. For the sake of more funds. Yeah... currently am just living a minimal lifestyle, w/o much pampering of self. But that should change. I should start spending more on myself - on certain luxuries such as a good meal now & then, a nice haircut, new clothes and even maybe a manicure. *grinx* Nopex, I ain't gonna morph into one of those stupid girls but it won't harm to enjoy myself a little. Was telling Meishan earlier, maybe I should even start playing with eyeliner, mascara & eyeshow... to obtain that "L" look. Too bad lah, I can't go pure goth... coz I dun like looking pale... would still prefer to have a healthy tan =)

This brings to mind this line from "Miss Congeneality" - 'people care about people who care about themselves'. Yeah ~ agent Hart was simply talking about how superficial the world is... and eventually she made the comment that 'I don't really care much about such people'. Moral of the story? Just be whoever you are. To add on to that... if people don't like you, well, you can just show them the middle finger & tell them to buzz off.

That should be easier than making extreme changes & losing individuality I suppose. For certain, I can't be the kinda girl Yanagi in Flame of Recca is - the typical damsel in distress, the one that every guy wants to protect. *shrugx* Too bad... really. Fuuko. Thatz the one I look up to. She kicks ass, literally ^-^ So it all boils down to a single decision. What kinda person would I wanna be? The kind... who requires protection and all? Or the kind who commands respect. The former may get it easier in life, coz of the scores of males who do stuff for her; but I guess the later would be someone more appealing. To me, that is. Besides... I guess it'll be easier depending on myself than anyone else. Coz everyone seems to fail me eventually. Guess itz coz I have too many expectations. *grinx* So it should be much easier if I direct those expectations towards myself.

And if I fuck up... well... then I fuck up. No biggie. Lolx

Hmm... but why do I have the feeling that no matter what I say, laziness will get the betta of me in the end? Lolx, frankly I can't even remember how many times I've told myself the above. Uhm, and I can't be bothered to look thru' my old blog entries to find out. Anyway - my short term goal for now should be: to pass JCS term 1 exam 2 weeks later. I don't really wanna scrape pass... should pass with a decent grade I guess. Ah well ~ gotta force myself to do a little studying later tonite when I get back frm class.

Gah!! My tees are getting stained badly these dayz. Wonder if the previous time I got a tattoo was simillar. Noticed that some parts are starting to peel alredi... good, at least some parts are healing. Some still hurt though. Funny. Ah well ~ pointless to worry too much about it. Will wait for the end result. In the meantime, all I can do is continue whinning. Lolx.

Was thinking earlier too. When I move outta Bt Panjang. I'll probably dwell @ my parents place for a period of time. Hopefully by then I would have gotten a regular job & if I can manage my finances well enuff, I'll move out after that. Be it with someone else or alone. I just dun wanna be stuck in the nest forever I suppose. Had a sudden thought earlier too, when I saw the obasan in front of me buying groceries... that I should start learning how to cook. Thatz one necessary skill should I wanna survive on my own. But then again ~ there are always dinner home delivery... 3 dishes + 1 soup, something liddat. *shrugx*

Conclusion: There's almost nothing that can't be done w/o $

One last thing... I should stop being affected by the actions & reactions of other people - even those who mean the world to me. Gotta reconstruct those emotional walls once again. Am done making excuses for another person & I'm done being a f**king doormat. If anything affects me, I'll try my best not to show it. Yeah ~ masks are necessary to get thru' Life if I wanna retain any form of sanity. Sad, but true.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:48

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Urgh... this is taking longer to heal than I expect. Guess itz due to the dragon's position. The area having too much activity... as in affected when i move my arm, shift my position, put on and take off my clothes, carry my bag... etc. Hmm hopefully it doesn't result in any kinda discoloration. *grinx* Anyway was examining my 1st tattoo and realised that the color is faded somewhat. Heh, that just proves that nothing really does last forever.

Like relationships... feelings... tattoos too fade in time, and some fade quicker than some others. Hmmm on further thought... yeah itz pretty simillar. The one on my foot is fading more quickly than the rest - basically coz there's more abrasion on that area. In a r/s too. The more conflict, the more likely it is gonna end prematurely. Thatz when touching up is needed. To prevent it from totally fading away.

Then there's aftercare oso. Once the tattoo is done, sufficient care must be taken (eg. cream must be applied, must abstain frm certain activities, scratching just ruins it lah *pokes someone*). Hmm but I guess in that concept, r/s are pretty different. Coz for tattoos once they are healed, dun have to bother about them liaox. R/s are different. Sufficient effort needs to be invested to make it work. Neglect ur partner too much... don't blame them for having a change of heart - tatz simply human nature.

Gahhh why in the world am posting this anyway?? Lolx

Well... something funny happened yesterday. Emma* got stuck in the handicapped toilet @ PS with another girl. Lolx. They ended up having to press the panic button and were eventually resuced by the cleaner. Hahahah ~ I know, this is evil... but itz damn bloody hilarious. Couldn't stop laughing when the alarm kept sounding & everyone who's like walking past is starring at the door. Not to mention, the girls squealing inside. Wahahahahah apparently the lock jammed or something. Morale of the story - don't anyhow use handicapped toilet when there are empty normal toilet stalls avaliable :P

* Name has been changed to protect privacy

Shady self-destructed @ 23:09

Saturday, April 07, 2007

The pain proved a temporary respite. Dulled the internal one a little. *shrugx* It does make my mood life a little though & it distracted me for the hour plus duration. Guess itz betta than nothing - shouldn't expect too much in the 1st place. Think I'll be able to sleep well later... that is if I don't shift ard too much. Wouldn't wanna end up with a blood-stained quilt or mattress. Wonder how izzit gonna be tml manx. Got classes to go to... gotta carry that backpack around. Owwww ~ anyway the most impt thing is - hope it heals well. Don't wanna do any touch up if necessary. Darn... this means I can't tan, swim, drink alcohol or eat seafood for about 2 weeks!! Ah well. Quite a small price to pay anyway =)

Shady self-destructed @ 00:16

Friday, April 06, 2007

Once again my mind drifted to tattoos on the way back from class. Guess this is one question everyone loves to ask me - why tattoo? Why leave those blemishes on ur skin? *shrugx*

In the 1st place, I never viewed them as blemishes. I love them. I adore body art. Plus don't gimme the shit that tattoos are only for "bad kids". Almost everyone has them these dayz - the only question is whether u notice... or whether it's that obvious. Well... come to think of it, how many of you have actually seen ALL my tattoos in full? Less than 5 people probably, no including myself. Even if someone gets to see it, what they see is just a little here and there (eg. my thank top obscuring part of the one on my shoulder, the top of the one on my lower back peeking from the top of my jeans... etc.), not the entire design. Even when I go for a tan. Itz irritating coz the tan line will split the one of my lower back into 2. Lolx.

Well... do those tattoos give me confidence? Uhmm... no? I'm wearing t-shirt & berms most of the time anyway. With my innocent looks, I doubt anyone will suspect anything. People who use tattoos as a form of gaining self-confidence are those who display them for the world to see. I ain't that kinda person. Besides... whatz the big deal? Oh-okay, unless u are telling me that u tattooed ur entire body. Then that's a big deal.

My tattoos. I suppose they serve as a reminder of my past. I usually get them after an extended period of emotional unrest. Yeah... perhaps I choose them to provide the physical pain thatz needed to numb the voices inside. It sure beats slashing my arm, leaving ugly scars all over. Trust me, slashing arms is stupid. No only becoz it doesn't bleed enuff... the wounds are like O.O!! when u shower... whatz worse, when u happen to get a tan while the scar forms... good luck when the scar peels off. F**king ugly siahx ~ Tattoos... they are different. Mine are there coz they remind me of the things I've done... the things I've gone thru'... the mistakes I've made... and they remind me that I'm still alive - that no matter what shit happens, I will live thru' it somehow.

Well... the first one I had. It was kinda a 21st bday pressie tat I gave myself. And it did come during a messed up period too, while I was getting over a r/s. The tattoo took around 2 weeks to heal... but the internal pain took much longer. *shrugx* Well, at least now I can look back at it (if I bother to turn my head to that angle) and smile. Gives me something pleasant to remember after all that.

Feeble reasons, you may think. But ah well ~ it doesn't matter what u think. My skin, not yours. My life, not yours. My cross to bear.

Am now looking forward to getting my 4th one.

Even my Harusame looks tattooed... lolx

Shady self-destructed @ 13:52

You know the kinda mood u get... when u are merely waiting for something to happen? When u keep checking ur handphone, keep checking your clock... keep checking everything around you? It sucks big time, doesn't it? You feel it eating @ you so gradually but surely inside. And the worse part? It doesn't kill you - it'll leave you wishing that you are dead so you don't have to feel this way anymore. *shrugx* I wish I am Data, with the emotion chip removed. I wish I didn't have to feel anything... yes I'll gladly give up all forms of happiness if thatz the price to pay. I feel anger threatening to overwhelm my very soul... and that is something I don't want. I just don't want to feel anything anymore.

This is why the people who slit their wrists do it.

Most folks should be glad coz itz Friday. Long weekend. I'm half thankful that it ain't a long weekend for me... coz tuition will somehow take my mind off matters. Somehow I fell asleep last nite. I slept well - save for the times when my slumber was disrupted by annoying alarms not of my own. I wish I could just sleep forever.

I don't blame anyone for this. Itz all my own doing. At times, I impress myself with the uncanny ability I have for getting myself into such situations. Why siahx? Fan jian loh. Simple reasoning. Once again I allowed emotions to get over my head. I ignored the voice of logic. *sigh* This sucks manx. But I know I won't die. I can't die. Fucking shit. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY... I should have known better.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:32

Thursday, April 05, 2007

If there's any serial killer out there reading this... I volunteer to be a victim. I'll do anything you want manx. I'll run [so slowly that u can catch up merely by walking]... up the stairs, like those bimbos in the movies; I'll scream; I'll whimper; I'll fall... and I'll beg u not to do this. You can take that knife of yours, plunge it deep into my solar plexus & gut me. You can stab me repeatedly. Let my blood splatter across the walls, seep into the floorboards. And when the deed is done, you can discard my body in some gutter for the cops to find. I'll thank you for freeing me from all this pain. Coz whatever you inflict on me, wouldn't be half as painful as the internal turmoil I'm experiencing.

The Archangel Vs ShaDy. Hell in a Cell. No Way Out.

Am looking forward to the end of the day. My intention is to load myself with some vodka while watching Smackdown. Knock myself out to quieten those thoughts. Can't my brain simply SHUT THE FUCK UP?! Gahhhhhh itz yet another one of those dayz that I feel I'm living on the razor's edge. The scales of balance are threatening to tip either way. Gotta distract myself. Gotta resort to burying to numb that all.

"Thanks for your patience" - thatz what's pasted on the bumper of every single SSDC noob car. Jeez ~ are they trying to make things worse or what? As if it ain't annoying enuff to be stuck behind and entire row of those... they just gotta add fuel to the fire by sounding as if I had much of a choice to begin with. Yeah... I do have a choice. Lane change into the path of an oncoming car & get myself killed in the process. Bloody noobie will probably just go "oh no!", call the ambulance, then wonder whether he/she will pass their driving test in future. Trust me, if I had a choice, I would run those idiots off the road. Know what? "Sorry for my incompetence" would make a much better bumper sticker.

Lol yeah I ain't exactly being fair, considering that I've made some bunders and held up the traffic during my 2B road practicals b4. *grinx* If there's any consolation, I'll be one of those idiots when itz time to take my own class 3 on-road practicals -.-"

Some kinda consolation that was.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:23

"Please note that we have informed HDB to stop the sales of season parking tickets to all occupants in your premises for any HDB carparks maintaned by our Town Council so long as your sc/cc arrears remain outstanding."

Smlj?? Something that shouldn't be my problem became my problem yet again. Gahh!! Life is never fair... but this is totally outta context manx.

Shady self-destructed @ 08:28

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Why do I have a feeling that itz gonna be one of those days again? I didn't manage to summon sufficient willpower to go to class earlier in the morning. I just sent an SMS, cancelling it, and dropped back to sleep. I don't remember my sleep being interrupted that much... but I woke up feeling f**king exhausted anyway. Rite now? All I wanna do is curl under the quilt & waste the rest of the day away. Think all that mental exertion + physical neglect from the past few days is accumulating so much thatz reaching an unhealthy treshold. Itz a perfect weather to remain dormant though. Itz raining. Know whatz the best thing that a person can do with this kinda weather? Is to just snuggle up with someone they love. *sigh* Unfortunately I do not have such luxury. Hell... I don't even get the chance to snuggle up to myself -.-"

And itz 2:37pm rite now. My nxt class is at 3:30am. Don't think I can cancel that at the last min. The temptation is there... but guess I'll just go ahead, get it over and done with - rather than push it off to yet another day. Oh yeah ~ logically I should be outta the house by now... taking public transport and all. But if I were to do that, I won't be able to make it in time for the nxt class... and it means I'm gonna be late for the 3rd class too. So rite now, all I can do is pray that the rain dwindles to a drizzle when I leave later. Judging frm the rate itz falling rite now. Hardly likely itz gonna happen. Am gonna get drenched once again. F**k manx. This is something I'll nvr get used to. Itz that kinda rain that will soak u to the skin within seconds of leaving the multi-storyed carpark. *sigh*

A long weekend is up ahead - with Good Friday & Easter Sunday up nxt. I do envy those who are holding regular jobs rite now. At least they'd have something to look forward to. Received an SMS earlier about MOS having a weekend special... with free entry b4 midnite & 1-for-1 promo the entire nite. Like that does matter *sigh* even if I wanna go... I don't think I can find company... and know what? Am not too sure rite now that I even have the energy to do it. Life is always easier when there's something to look forward to. Hmm... what do I look forward to rite now? Nothing really. Nothing interesting's happening this weekend. I'll probably end up decomposing @ home and all.

Aaarggghhh what kinda life is this manx?!

The song thatz currently trapped in my mind.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:44

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Nice song, nice video. I like it for obvious reasons. Enjoy ^-^

One class down, one more to go... then itz KTV... and hmm guess it'll be Round II of the game when I return home tonite. Arrgghhhh hopefully he'll be asleep by then. I'd prefer rest than head-on confrontation yet again. Wonder if anything's gonna be shattered tonite. *shrugx* Whatever manx... bring it on if thatz the way thing must be.

PS. I'm alright.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:51

Made a police report earlier. Ain't gonna press any charges as yet... but I suppose it's better to have it on record. *shrugx* Frankly I dunno whatz gonna happen after today. Am tempted. To just move everything back & return to my parents' place. But that ain't too practical coz I'm still relying on tuition to pay my personal bills. Gahh!! How I wish whatever happened earlier didn't take place. I need sleep. I should be fast asleep now... wandering around in dreamland. But look, itz 5:43am and I'm blogging. Will try get some rest after this. Thing is ~ the floor doesn't look too inviting. My parents got the couch... Ben's in the master bedroom & the m'sian ger + his colleague is in the spare room. Glass shards are all over the floor.

I wonder what's he gonna destroy nxt. Hopefully he doesn't carry out the threat. Hmm... will I be able to live with this mental pressure - the fear that my posessions will be damaged? Frankly, I dunno. The only thing I know is, don't push me further. Touch Harusame, touch Phoenix, touch my PS2... he's gonna face a barrage of words. *grinx* Yeah I admit, when I'm pissed... my attitude is not something anyone can tahan.

Anyway had a chat with Malao & ellone earlier. Hmm... my plan for now? I'll call the laywer once again. If she doesn't agree to take up the case, fine. I'll call AWARE and hopefully find one who has the balls to do it.

But rite now... all I wanna do is sleep.

Class at 3pm later. Shit.

Shady self-destructed @ 05:47

Know what? Everyone can just fuck off... go to Hell for all I care!!

Yeah... thatz rite. Considering that everyone just does whatever they want w/o any consideration for what I want... why should I give a shit about anyone at all? This is my life manx. I think I've got absolute rite to decide how I shall lead it - what actions I take, when I take those actions... etc. thatz my problem, ain't it? Plus - why is it so difficult to understand simple English? I alredi stated that itz pointless talking any further with that jerk-off. But nooooooo... my dad insisted on coming down, spending the nite here & having a talk with him. At the same time, he asked both of us what we want.

Oh, wait a min. Didn't I say a thousand times before all I want is a DIVORCE? Why are u still asking me? And based on Ben's actions - isn't it obvious that that's what he wants as well? So why the conversation? The best part - dad was there when I went down to consult a lawyer about this matter. Verdict was... gotta wait for 3 years to be up before petitioning, unless either party has suffered exceptional hardship. According to the lawyer I spoke to, "exceptional hardship" refers to adultery & abuse. Mental abuse? Yeah ~ I've been thru' that... but how the fuck am I supposed to prove it? I can still sleep... I ain't attempting suicide... I'm depressed... but so what? I've been depressed my entire fucking life!!

The reason why Life is being this fucked up is coz everyone is making it so!!

What?? Is it that difficult to get a good night's rest? Thatz all I want at this point of time manx!! After a day of aggravation... and walking ard Ikea to calm down, I want nothing more than snuggle under that quilt & recharge myself for the next day. But nooooooooo, instead now I'm so pissed off that I'm hungry & I can't fucking sleep!! And YES!! I am goddamned tired due to an accumulated lack of sleep for the past few bloody dayz!!

I'm not doing anything.

Sure, I ain't doing anything!! Coz rite now I don't feel like doing anything!! Call the lawyer, get a divorce, get a job... yadda yadda. FUCK MANZ!!! Like calling a lawyer is gonna help much!! Can't peition for divorce within 3 years. HELLO!! CANNOT UNDERSTAND?! All thatz gonna happen - if I call the lawyer, is that another meeting will be arranged... I drag my ass down & squirm in the chair... while she repeats every single thing that hath been said the previous session. Unless there is concrete proof of either adultery or abuse - itz NO. Gotta wait for THREE FUCKING YEARS!!

Great!! Now look what happened? Ultimate blow up liaox loh ~ piss me off badly enuff... and I'll retaliate. I did. Without raising my voice and all. Itz just my attitude. And look what happened? Now someone is raising his voice & throwing all the pets outta the house. Was initially intending to call the cops... but guess what? Dad ruined stuff again, by asking him to stop what he's doing. And Ben stopped.

Now all that jerk is doing... is banging things around. Throwing things ard the house. Now cursing and swearing at me. *shrugx* Am not gonna rise to the bait. Coz throwing my temper wouldn't help @ this point of time. But trust me... itz damn difficult to keep this boiling rage down. Perfect. Now he just smashed 2 of my cross stitch. And he's daring me to call the cops & making threats. Know what?? Am tempted. Now he's threatening everyone that if anyone sweeps the floor, he'll smash up everything else in the house another day.

Wonderful isn't it?

And he claims that he won't be responsible for anything that happens in future. Am worried. Am worried that one day, I come home and see Phoenix all smashed & battered... and the PS2 all broken on the floor. When that happens, I'll snap. And I won't know what I'll do. Nah... violence is not my style... so if Ben ends up murdered, it'll probably coz he offended someone else. But I daresay I'll won't hold back. Am human afterall. When I flare up, anger will override all forms of logical thinking & I won't be able to hold back the words that will come out from my mouth. Those words will definitely . I know what I can do... and when that happens, I won't know what is gonna happen to me. So if I do end up dead *shrugx* you'll know who is responsible.

It certainly won't be suicide... no matter how it seems.

Move back? Lolx... yeah tempting thought. But I dun wanna. Coz moving back will mean I'm retreating, and it'll mean he'll have the entire place to himself. Why should I give him that kinda luxury? Seriously why should I be the one who is backing down? For my own safety? Well ~ too bad. I ain't the kind who will press the 'exit' button and quit from a game.

Well... hmm yeah the following is gonna sound a little like death talk... but know what? If something happens to me during this period of time. I'd rather have all this off my chest. At least let me die in peace, if that happens. I don't wanna be tossing & turning in my grave, or wandering around this realm coz of unfinished business. *sigh* There are tons of things that I still wish to do... but that doesn't matter now. What matters is. Whatever happens, I want to let the people I care about know that I care about them - how much they mean to me, and how they've made my life easier to bear.

Friends - yeah it was fun knowing u folks... hanging out and all. Itz just too bad that I won't be around to enjoy those moments any further.

And dear, well... basically I've said everything to you that I want to say. Hmm... well, yeah I'll just say it again anyway. I love you.

What am I gonna do now? Chances are, I'm gonna make a police report. Am now waiting for a few friends to come down & talk a little. Let me clear my head b4 I take the nxt step. On one side of the coin, a police report will come in handy during the filing of divorce. I don't think itz possible to obtain at PPO at this moment, but it'll definitely increase the chances should I need to do it in the future. On the other hand, the cops will get on his case... and it'll probably aggravate Ben further. That can be both a good thing & a bad thing. An angry person is more likely to slip up. With luck, he'll screw up so badly that it'll be possible to ask for an immediate divorce. The only question is whether the price I'll pay is gonna be worth it... coz there's no knowing what that asshole can do. I simply don't trust him to hold back when the time comes. He's too... pathetic for that.

But yeah, before doing anything ~ I gotta be sure that anger isn't ruling my brain rite now. Gotta calm down & think.

Maybe you can say that I'm being paranoid. Considering that how I'm worried about things that might happen to me. Yeah itz fair for you guys to think this way. Perhaps I am being paranoid. Better safe than sorry though. You don't know what he can do.

*grinx* know what? Itz funny that I'm able to laugh at this point of time. Guess I must be really pissed off.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:35

Monday, April 02, 2007

Finally got the tattoo on my shoulder blade roughly traced out. Damn, why didn't I think of using plastic in the 1st place? Lolx guess the experts always know it best. Hmm... anyway managed to come out with a rough sketch on how I'm gonna extend that tattoo. Have decided to add another tribal dragon to it... but am not too sure how the effect will be when itz done. On paper it looks pretty decent. Will have to go down another day to ask the artist to sketch it on my skin instead & do some tweaking here and there - coz I ain't the kinda person who can come out with something frm scratch... so it doesn't look that wonderful yet. Got a feeling that I'm gonna just get it done sometime this month.

Am now checking out some designs from Bullseye Tattoos. Initially the one that caught my eye is a cross + bat one... had the intention to place on my back, just below the neck. But after viewing all those dragon designs, am tempted to just get another dragon instead. Yeah I've got this obsession with dragons. Lolx, especially fantasy or tribal ones. Ah well ~ think am just gonna spend my remaining time, b4 I gotta leave for my next class, checking out stuff online.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:28

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Was suddenly hit by a wave of inspiritation earlier this morning & rambled on about the phases of a break-up + methods of coping. You can read about it all on...

:: Project Misfits ::

Me? I'm currently in the transition phase between Stage 3 - with ranting as my choice of action - & Stage 4. Though occasionally I do revert to Stage 2, with binging and burrying. But thankfully I don't stay @ Stage 2 for too long, coz if u ask me... thatz the most shitty stage of all... not to mention, it's the one that most people have problems coming out from. It'll take a darn long time for the entire process of healing to take place, but believe it or not, Time is the perfect healer. It has never failed me before.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:30

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

+ A r c h i v e s +

02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009

+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

Layout by Kuroda