With the following, I offer… a fragment of my buried past. A part of me submerged within the depths of my splintered soul. A fraction of me that I didn’t have the courage to face – until now. This is as good a time as any. As my valor stands, I shall look into the eyes of my reflection in the mirror & be true to myself. I owe Me this much.

Date of Post: 08 March 2007
Time of Commencement: 11:32am, PC Time
Weather: Bright & Sunny

My Internet connection is still down – and yes, am getting increasingly frustrated as time passes by… coz Time gradually diminishes the Hope that it might just be a disruption of service due to the earthquake in Indonesia on Tues. Soon, I’ll have to unwillingly face the fact that it’s either a hardware or viral problem… but not now. I bought a small little book yesterday that will serve as a journal for me on the move. To jot down random thoughts as they surface. Well… it will also be an outlet for me to be totally honest with myself – to write about certain stuff I can never blog about for various reasons. Yeah, everyone is entitled to his/her own secrets, I’m no different.

But this. This is something I want everyone who matters to me to know. I shall save this post on MS Word & upload it when it’s up and running again. Why is this so important? Well… it’s just something that I reckon I need to do. It is something that should have been done more than half a decade ago.

It’s amazing how inner demons can stay forgotten for such a long period of time. It’s amazing how a person can maintain a lie all this time. Well ~ considering that I never really talked about this to anyone before – I simply allowed it to fade into the Darkness of my soul, I guess I didn’t exactly lie to anyone else. A lie is a lie, nonetheless. Avoidance is one of the worst cuts a person can inflict to self.

It concerns the person I’ve once loved. A person who I thought I could spend the rest of my Life with back then. The relationship lasted for about 2 years. The longest I ever had – the one that hurt me the most. Much of that emotional hurt from the r/s has faded by now though. Believe it or not, Time is the perfect healer. The scars remained – scars that remind me of what could have been; scars that constituted to who I am right now. Those scars… hopefully after this, I can finally display them with pride.

His name? Maurice Swee.

He was 17; I was 19 when we 1^st met. We were colleagues together at GV PS. I can’t remember most of the details… but he was one of the cuter guys over there, plus with that blond hair – guess he simply caught my eye. We became friends fast enough. Well… to be exact, we were part of a group: Me, Him, Brian, Kelvin, James & occasionally Fiza. We had tremendous fun fooling around while on duty, playing with the walkie-talkie, having drinks after work, smoking @ the carpark… etc. – wonderful memories that will always remain with me.

Everything was fine. Till he got attached to another colleague – Ferlicia. She was 16 then. Their relationship was all innocent, I believe. She was just this little girl without guile back then… well, at least that’s the impression she gave me. I tried to be happy for the couple. I couldn’t. I was upset, coz by then, I had this crush on Maurice. I tried to ignore it – kept telling myself that I should just forget all about it. I tried to treat him simply as a platonic friend.

I failed - badly. I didn’t have sufficient self control. I became the 3^rd party who tore them apart. He broke up with her, and he became mine. I can’t even begin to describe the guilt I felt… especially when I found out that Maurice broke up with Ferli on a day that she was supposed to be having a test in school. I actually succeeded in hurting another person. At that age, I’m sure, love is all bliss & light-headedness. I took away something from her… probably her innocence. I destroyed that fairytale with my actions. What’s worse was that I didn’t do it accidentally. I did it on purpose – coz I liked Maurice & I wanted to be with him. Despite knowing what I was doing, I still did it.

Why? I guess I was just being selfish. I didn’t have the strength to keep all those emotions repressed and move on to someone new. I just had to break a couple up. I couldn’t even bring myself to look Ferlicia in the eye back then, to apologize for what I did – not that words would matter much @ that point of time. I took the easy way out. I ran. I ran and I simply ignored all that guilt the best I could. I focused on the happy times I had with him, and didn’t care about how others felt.

Yes, I was an arsehole.

Looking back, I must say that the relationship between the 2 of us was doomed from the start. He left a perfectly fine relationship for me, hence deep down inside, there was a nagging thought that he could always do the same to me. I never did place 100% trust in him, and I believe that was what eventually tore us apart. That, plus my poor attitude, and other factors beyond my control.

*nod nod* Guess it’s time to reflect on my actions back then, and recognize the mistakes I made for what they really were – that is exactly what I’ve been avoiding all this while. Not the hurt that I experienced when the relationship end. Yeah… it did hurt like Hell then, I cried myself to sleep for like what… 6 months & became a total emotional wreck? But to Hell with that, I’m way past that stage… thanks to the friends who stood by me @ that point of time. With this post, with acknowledging my follies, I hope that I can finally put this chapter of my Life behind me.

I was a horrible girlfriend. Uber-possessive, quick-tempered & demanding. Everything has to be done my way – or I’ll be quick to lash out with that temper and threaten a breakup. Back then, he loved me much more than I loved him I guess… so he always gave in. I made him cry, more than once [the exact number I can’t remember]. I even hit him once – a slap across the face when I found out he kept something from me. All that was really childish. I was a child then. Yeah, at 19.

How bad was I? Well… I was possessive to the extent that I forbid him to keep contact with all his female friends. I kicked up a big fuss when he went out with his male friends too… coz I wanted him all for myself. Yeah… guess I was simply being insecure & stupid, but I couldn’t help it. As I mentioned earlier, back then, I didn’t have the willpower to suppress my emotions. I didn’t have the maturity to take a step back and look at this from a wider point of view. I never had the humility to question my actions and I never did apologize for anything. Ah well ~ all that possessiveness eventually led him to keep things from me. It’s all a vicious circle. When I unearth a lie, I get even more possessive… and well… you can see where it goes.

Fast forward 2 years. He got enlisted into the army. I graduated from Ngee Ann, and entered SIM. At first, things were still fine. I waited for him throughout PTP, BMT. I stayed over at his place every single weekend after POP. He signed on. Infantry, if I don’t remember wrongly. He’ll meet me directly after he books out, and we’ll head over to his place. We didn’t do much except watching TV or playing some RPG on the PSOne. Then we’ll sleep, and he’ll book in again the next evening. Our relationship reached a certain plateau. What made it worse was… no idea why, but towards the end of the r/s, all I did was go directly to sleep when I got to his parents’ place and never woke up except for meals. Guess he got upset about that, but he never did mention anything to me. I suppose he was still afraid of my temper back then.

The final straw was when I met this guy – Tommy, thru’ a classmate @ SIM. I didn’t cheat on Maurice though, at least not physically. But I guess my feelings strayed. I started hanging out with Tommy after classes, on my off days… etc., and we gradually grew closer. I guess Maurice sensed that something was amiss, so he started to detach himself from the relationship too. As I had someone else in my life, I never bothered to try salvaging it. Eventually it just shattered.

Initially I still harbored the thoughts of a patch-up. Until he told me he has a new girl... which was what, just a few days after we split. Well… this is the part most of you guys would know. That he left me for someone else. Look, we broke up on a weekend, he was in camp all that while… and it was midweek that he told me he has another gf – it doesn’t take a brilliant mind to realize that he probably has her for awhile already. What you guys never knew was… it was my fault. It was me that drove him away.

I couldn’t bring myself to blog about that before. Neither did I have the courage to actually speak about it to anyone. I was afraid… hell, I am afraid of what my friends will think of me when they found out. *sigh* I guess it’s unavoidable. You guys will probably look at me differently from now onwards… but until I let all of that out, I’ll never really truly heal. Well, since I’m being frank to myself… I will allow myself to admit this. I am in a relationship now [no not the one with Ben], and I am afraid of what he’ll think when he reads this. HaizZz… but this is something I have to do. I made those mistakes back then, and I’ve to live with the repercussions. I can’t run forever.

The only thing I can say is that – I’ve learnt from those mistakes. I can’t say for sure that I won’t do the same thing over. I don’t wish to make a promise I may fail to keep. All I can promise is, I’ll try my utmost best to prevent history from repeating itself. My over-possessiveness is something I fail to keep in check at times. I tend to be over-bearing, over-demanding and over-repressing. I expect too much from my partner. At times, I can’t help but think that I suffocate the people I love… and that causes them to bolt from me. When they do, I’ll simply retreat further into my self-delusion… think of all the negatives about the person & ignore my own faults. Hate has always been a defensive mechanism I activate to shield myself from pain.

Thing is, I don’t intend to do that anymore. Coz right now, I don’t think I can bring myself to hate the person I’m with, no matter what happens in the future. I hope I wouldn’t do anything that will make him hate me too.

Well… what brought about this confession? Something simple. I went to K-Box last night, and Ferli joined Brian, Kelvin & Me. Frankly I was thinking to myself ‘oh no’, when I found out that she was going along… but I steeled myself and I’m glad I did. It’s been more than 6 years since I last saw her. She’s now a 23 year ol’ young woman. I wonder if she still hates me… I am sure she must have had, once. The meeting was awkward initially but somehow that wore off through the night over alcohol & music. No, there’s no happy ending yet. I still can’t say that we’ve become friends… but I’m gonna work towards that. When Phoenix can connect to the Internet again, I’ll ask her for her MSN addy… and when I get the opportunity, I will apologize. This apology is like way fucking overdue now.

Whatever will happen from this point of time onwards (or rather, the point of time when I upload this post)… ain’t under my area of influence. Let what will happen, happen I guess. If I shall be enveloped in flames, let me burn… to atone for the mistakes made those years ago. Now you understand what I meant when I said I don’t deserve love? This is how fucked up I am.

Well… now that I’ve broken one of the chains that bind me…tell me what you honestly think of me now. I wonder what price I will have to pay in order to allow my wings to unfurl slightly. All I can say is – I’m sorry. I ain’t perfect. Question now is: Is any of you willing to accept this imperfection?