Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Sunday, February 25, 2007

ex·haus·tion
Pronunciation: ig-'zos-ch&n
Function: noun
: the act or process of exhausting
: the state of being exhausted

[ Quoted from - Merriam-Webster Online ]

This is my current physical & mental state. No real reason for feeling this way. Just that, if I should lean back on the chair and close my eyes rite now, probably hours will pass before I open them again. Not that I had an exceptionally busy day. I woke up almost 3pm. Spent some time online watching random vids & doing a little chatting on MSN. Had a little eat. Then itz off to Jap class @ 4:20pm. My brain was barely awake in class. Lolx. All I could think of is getting outta there... and how I wish I could just go back to sleep.

Hmm... I didn't do much last nite either. Came down to town. Went to meet friendz @ HarbourFront MRT & then headed off to St. James for a bit. Left ard 2+. Hmm.. howz the place like? Well, the concept is pretty kewl. Different kinda areas catering to different crowds. There were live bands, with latino music & normal radio hits. A chill out area on the 2nd floor with an age limit of 23. A dance floor that plays house [DJ ain't too good I must say] & this bar area where u can just watch soccer. Oh, there's Dragonfly too... but it was full house so didn't get the chance to go in. Hmm am not too sure if we managed to explore all the places last nite. Heard there was an R&B area, but didn't get there. Well ~ itz just no big deal. Maybe I would think differently if I was younger... but ah well *shrugx*

Obvious signs that a person is getting old:
Talking about the past alot - reminiscing old times... etc.
Certain songs bring back memories
You've known old friends for at least a decade
Songs that u listened to growing up... become "old school" or worse "oldie"
You become more sensitive towards things - cry @ movies, cry while reading... etc.
You tend to sigh alot - that kinda resigned sigh
Bouncers no longer check ur ID when u enter clubs
Kids start calling you 'auntie' or 'uncle'
You can no longer stay up late into the nite w/o feeling like crap
You start to prefer chilling out than clubbing
Physical exertion is no longer a welcome
Suddenly... 80 - 90kpmh seems like a very nice speed to travel
Fear starts to emerge pretty often
You start to question yourself wth have u been doing the past XX years & wonder where are u gonna go next... and if itz much too late
Most of all... Losing all that angst against the world - instead of staring Life back in the eyes simmering with defiance... this time, u advert the gaze & adopt a 'take it as it comes' attitude
To Be Continued...

Shady self-destructed @ 19:13

Friday, February 23, 2007

This is the reason why I do not wish to rise from slumber. This is the reason why I chose to linger in the depths of the mind. This is the reason why you shouldn't try to wake me up. This is the reason why I don't keep penknives in the house. I hope you are satisfied now. Wonder why you kept those glass shards around. Don't you know that they hurt when they cut thru' the skin? Don't u know that itz worse when it gets embedded into the flesh? Superficial wounds are alright. They heal pretty quickly. Well... I just hope you are thankful that kitchen knives aren't the tools I favour. The next time you try to wake me up again... visualise the scars on your arms - where they used to be & reconsider. Shallow the cuts may be. But you'll never know when I'll lose control. And when that happens, pray that there aren't any sharp objects around. Go get a tattoo or another piercing if you need the pain. Itz healthier. And prettier.

Forget about me gal. I can't take away the pain you feel. All I can do is block it out... tatz not a good thing coz when it returns, it returns tenfold. Somehow you gotta live thru' this, one way or another. I know you are strong enough. Just let me fade away. I've had enough of this fucked up existence. Do me a favour and let go. No, do us a favour and let go. Let go of all those emotional baggage u are lugging around. I'm sure you wouldn't wanna experience all that rage & hatred again. All I'll do is hurt everyone around me. Self-destruct. And when that happens, you'll be gone too. You'll die along with me & there'll be nothing left. *shrugx* Yeah perhaps it'll be better. Death is a wonderful thing. It wipes the slate clean. It allows us to play the game again... sometime in the future.

*grinx* But don't u see? We'll never win. No one does.

Don't u understand? All that whiskey doesn't help. It just serves to fuck you up even more. Who the fuck are u kidding when u said your guitar lies bleeding in your arms. Look closely and you'll see where the blood really comes from. Oh yeah ~ it hurts, doesn't it? Embrace the pain. Don't avoid it. It'll make you stronger. Maybe then... I'll return. Don't go to sleep my dear. I'll be here. I'm always here for you. I'll always be here.

Why is it so difficult to cry? The tears just won't flow. It'll be much better if it did. Much much better. Let it all out. How? Don't ask me how. I've got no fucking idea. Fuck off. It'll be great if everyone will just fuck off. Get the fuck outta this life... get the fuck outta this head. Fuck yourselves. Whatever. Just let me be. Watch me. Watch the monster as it devours my soul. Watch how I'll writhe in agony with a twisted smile upon my face. Watch me... watch me as I'll destroy us both. Watch as the world crumbles around us. Fucking hell... just watch. And remember. Remember how we once lived. Remember that we once existed. Never

Tadaima... mo hitotsu atashi.

Okaerinasai.

Sore kara... sayonara.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:06

Disclaimer: This is gonna be one fucked up post - how fucked up izzit gonna be? Simple... I wrote this disclaimer after I finished writing the following. *shrugx* Then again... when I regain my grip on sanity I might just delete this... so read it, while u can. If you want to, that is. As always, there is a choice. The only question is - whether the options are easy or otherwise.

Naze ka tatakaun? Kono tatakai imi ga doko? Kono inochi no imi ga aruka? Wakaranai yo. Jibun no kimochi ga zenzen wakaranai. Naze ka subete wa sona muzukashii? Zutto zutto muzukashii. Dekinai yo! Kono inochi shitsuyo nai! Demo... moshikashite atashi shinda... kimi o mienai. Sore wa... hoshikunai. Kimi wa atashi no taisetsu hito. Dakara... kimi o mieru tame ni... atashi wa... atashi wa... ikite. Tabun atashi... baka.

This is exhausting manx. Mentally drained. Totally. Wonder if itz due to the lack of sleep the past week (then again, since when do I ever get sufficient snooze?); the mental exertion 2 days ago; the class this morning taking it's toll; or the awakening of her? Guess itz all of the factors combined, though I have this weird feeling that itz the awakening. *grinx* Yeah I'm starting to sound a little crazy here... a tad dramatic. Hmm... I'm a Sagi afterall. Sagis love drama in their lives & have the tendency to over-exaggerate at times... but know what? I think drama is the last thing I want in my life rite now. Itz alredi one ridiculous movie.

I wonder if the both of us can co-exist. Coz afterall, when all is said and done... there's no denying that I'm merely human [why do I suddenly get a sense of deja vu here?]. The human body has certain limitations & am unsure if it's capable of hosting us both @ the same time. Yeah usually one of us is asleep. She is gradually starting to regain full consciousness now. I can feel it... but at the expense of what? Does that mean I'm gonna lapse into restless sleep next? I sure am feeling goddamned sleepy now. Certainly, extensive struggle is futile - coz there is no way one of us can exist without the other. Itz like some kinda conjoined twin syndrome thingy, except that this is mental. I am you, and you are me.

ippiki higashi e... mo ippiki nishi e

Like the monster w/o a name who split into 2 to explore the huge world out there. *grinx* Guess there is certain comfort knowing that itz you & me Vs the world afterall. Should I be glad that I'm not making this journey alone?

The funny thing is. I thought you woke up sometime ago. I remember that I did welcome your presence back then. But guess you didn't stay awake for too long. You never did awaken fully either. You went back to sleep soon after. Too soon. Question is... this time, how long will you be around for me? Will you even f**king wake up?!

Shady self-destructed @ 11:52

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Even thought its reached new heights
I rather like the restless nights
It makes me wonder it makes me think
There's more to this I'm on the brink
It's not the fear of what's beyond
It's just that I might not respond
I have an interest almost craving
But would I like to get too far in?

"Infinite Dreams" - Iron Maiden

Been such a long time since I listened to this album... [ Seventh Son of A Seventh Son ]. *grinx* Guess I still daresay that itz still my fave Iron Maiden album of all time. The songs sound good, Bruce Dickinson on vocals is superb... and the lyrics of the songs are just pleasant. Hmm the thing I like about this album is... the songs tell a story ~ about the life of someone... from birth, his life - struggle with insanity and all, and then finally this death. Pretty neat ehx? Heh am now waiting for DP to send me some Rhapsody. Am gonna immerse myself in metal today... this part of me has been lying dormant for so long... time to wake up ^-^

Best thing is, I finally bought a batt for my tuner. Am gonna mess ard with the guitar a little too. With exception of 1 more tuition class, it looks as if this is going to be a good day. *grinx* This is a good day to die (this line sounds familliar to you? lol).

Shady self-destructed @ 12:33

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The Monster Without a Name

mukashi mukashi aru tokoro ni
namae no nai kaibutsu ga imashita
kaibutsu wa namae ga hoshikutte hoshikutte
shikata arimasendeshita
soko de kaibutsu wa tabi ni ikette, namae o sagasu koto ni shimashita
demo sekai wa hiroi no de
kaibutsu wa futatsu ni wa kare te tabi ni demashita

ippiki higashi e, mo ippiki nishi e

higashi e itta kaibutsu wa mura o misukemashita
mura no iriguchi wa kajia ga imashita
kajia no ojisan, boku ni anata no namae o kudasai
namae nan te agerareru mono ka
namae o kuretara ore ni ojisan no naka ni haitte, chikara o tsuyoku shite ageruyo
honto ka? chikara ga tsuyoku naru nara, namae o ageyou

kaibutsu wa kajia no naka ni haite ikimashita
kaibutsu wa kajia no otto ni narimashita
kajia no otto wa mura ichiban no chikara ochi
demo aru hi,

"Boku o mite! Boku o mite! Boku no naka no Kaibutsu ga, konnani ookiku nattayo! "
Pari Pari, Kushya Kushya, Paki Paki, Gokun!

onaka no suita kaibutsu wa Otto inaka ga kara tabete shimaimashita
kaibutsu wa mata namae no nai kaibutsu ga hyaku modori

kutsu ya no hans no ni haitemo
"Pari Pari, Kushya Kushya, Paki Paki, Gokun!"
mata namae no nai kaibutsu ni hyaku modori
karyuudo no Thomas no ni haite mo
Pari Pari, Kushya Kushya, Paki Paki, Gokun!
yappari namae no nai kaibutsu ni hyaku modori

kaibutsu wa oshiro no naka ni suteki na namae o sagashini kimashita
oshiro no naka ni wa byooki no otokonoko ga imashita
kimi no namae o boku ni kuretara, tsuyoku shite ageruyo
byoki ga naote, tsuyoku naru nara, namae o ageru
kaibutsu wa ontokonoko naka haite ikmashita
otokonoko wa totemo genki ni narimashita

osama wa oyorukobi
oji ga genki ga natta, 2x
kaibutsu wa otokonoko no namae ga kinirimashita
oshiro no kurashi mo kinirimashita

dakara onakaga suite mo gamanshimashita
mainichi mainichi onaka ga peko peko demo gamanshimashita
Demo amari onaka ga suite shimata no de
"Boku o mite! Boku o mite! Boku no naka no Kaibutsu ga, konnani ookiku nattayo! "
otokonoko wa osama mo kerai mo mina tabeteshimashita

Pari Pari, Kushya Kushya, Paki Paki, Gokun!

dare mo inakunate shimata no de
otokonoko tabi ni demashita
nan nichi mo nan nichi mo aruki tsutsukete
aru hi o otokonoko wa ishi e itta kaibutsu ni deaimashita
"namae ga tsuitayo! suteki na namae nan da"

ishi e itta kaibutsu wa imashita, "namae nan te iranai wa,
namae nan te nakutemo shiawase yo
watashitachi wa namae no nai kaibutsu desu mono."
otokonoko wa ishi e itta kaibutsu o tabete shimaimashita
sekaku namae wa tsuita no ni, namae o yonde kureru hito wa inaku narimashita

"johan" suteki na namae no ni

Adapted from the anime "Monster". You can watch the video on YouTube here - no worries, that part is subtitled. *grinx* This is like testing my dictation siahx ~ took me quite a long time to put all that into text. Actually began last week, but gave up after abt an hour & simply left the draft post there. Anyway, no idea why... but that story gave me a weird tingly feeling when I heard it for the 1st time [in the anime it freaked out everyone who read the picture novel or listened to it narrated by the young Johan on tape].

---------------------------------------------

Reason y I would continue with the thingy rite now is coz I'm hoping that it'll calm my brain down a little. Feels as if I'm being brain-fucked rite now. Was on the way back from my morning class when suddenly this tsunami of thoughts just swept over my brain... breaking down all the mental barriers I've erected so long ago. Gahhhhhh the "walls" of my mind are gradually weakening it seems - itz been a long time since such things are this uncontrollable. F**k it, this isn't a good time to be messing ard with such thoughts. Am f**king exhausted but I guess, unless I give in... sleep will be outta my grasp. I can't seem to dwell on one specific topic either - itz just hopping frm one thought to another and then another. Gosh, how long has it been since I gave into it? Half a decade? Or was it sooner?

Mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad MAD!!!

Why the FUCK am I thinking about time travel this early in the morning?! Yes!! Time travel. Why the fuck of all things - time travel?! No idea siahx!! Gahhhhhhhhh helllpppppppppppp!!! Oh manx, it must have been the continuous eps of "Heroes" I watched b4 coming home yesterday. One of the 'heroes' has the ability to twist space & time. In one of the eps, he went back trying to save a girl that he liked. Well... obviously he failed, considering that he managed to return to the same present.

My point of view? Yeah... changing the past is possible. But if that happens, there'll no longer be the same future to return to. I used to think that it would be a time paradox. As in if u change the past, the present will not take place - if the present doesn't take place, how the hell did u manage to return to the past? After further thought... I believe it just might be possible. But then again, I can think of a few ways to refute that 'theory' too. *grinx* I'm sure that anyone who allows their mind to go into overdrive this way will concur.

Ookie, let me illustrate this using Paint (yah lah, I no Photoshop - can?!). Disclaimer: the following may sound totally illogical & boring if you aren't into such stuff.

The blue line represents the initial timeline, the "present", when the character decides to go back in time to rewrite the past. Hmm... ookie, let's put it this way. Itz 21 Feb 2007 on the blue line, and ShaDy decides to travel back in time coz there are somethings in life that ShaDy would wanna change. So *poof*, ShaDy goes back to 24 Feb 2005. Question comes up here - is it possible for 2 ShaDys to exist at the same point of time?

Scenario 1:

Assuming that time-travel ShaDy replaces past ShaDy [I'll mess with the other scenario later], who ceases to exist, and does the "deed"... changes things. The blue timeline will be erased. Despite the blue timeline being erased, time travel ShaDy doesn't disappear coz time-travel ShaDy is no longer on the blue timeline, remember?

From that point onwards, time will move in another direction, in a new timeline... the grey line. When ShaDy decides to return to the "present", ShaDy will emerge on 21 Feb 2007 on the grey timeline. Once again I make the assumption that time-travel ShaDy displaces greyline ShaDy. Thus, ShaDy continues to live on the grey timeline... and things are simply aren't the same as they used to be on the blue timeline.

Dissection of Scenario 1:

Gahhhh now I'm starting to think that it doesn't make sense. Especially when time-travel ShaDy returns to 21 Feb 2007, but on the grey timeline. Remember. Time-travel ShaDy originally came from the blue timeline... her memories, her actions or whatever, will be her past. Thus she won't have any memories of the grey timeline, and she'll have no idea where the hell she is - coz she didn't live thru' the grey timeline normally! Makes sense? LoLx. Come to think of it... there's a higher probability that after time-travel ShaDy changes things on 24 Feb 2005, she will no longer be able to return to 21 Feb 2007 via the same mode. She will be forced to live thru' her life normally on the grey timeline, getting to 21 Feb 2007 naturally... everything that happened between 25 Feb 2005 - 21 Feb 2007 on the blue timeline will become ShaDy's past instead of the 'present'.

Hmm... so guess it isn't right to draw time as one straight line. Perhaps countless interlocking circles will be a better picture - then again, that'll be yet another problem.

Scenario 2:

Time-travel ShaDy doesn't displace past ShaDy. The 2 don't meet but somehow time-travel ShaDy managed to stop the train of events & makes the changes she wanted. Simiarily, the blue timeline will cease to exist from that point onwards. The past ShaDy goes on with her life, travelling on the grey timeline normally. Time-travel ShaDy returns to 21 Feb 2007. Considering that the blue timeline is teriminated, time-travel ShaDy gets to 21 Feb 2007 on the grey timeline... where greyline ShaDy [aka past ShaDy] is. So it'll mean that at that point of time, 21 Feb 2007 on the grey timeline, 2 ShaDys exist.

Dissection of Scenario 2:

This scenario is even more difficult to comprehend, isn't it? Lolx. Time-travel ShaDy will now become a weird kinda entity altogether, having lived thru' the blue timeline & is now stuck in the grey timeline. Then again... will it be possible that, the blue timeline continues to exist along with time-travel ShaDy? That time-travel ShaDy will return to 21 Feb 2007 on the blue timeline... where nothing changes... while in an alternate universe, greyline ShaDy exists travelling along the grey timeline?

Of coz, there can be a thousand other probable scenarios... and a million other theories. But guess I'll never know for sure, till I invent a time machine & take a trip back in time to "see how". Lolx, then again, there's always a huge chance that if I do manage to travel back in time, it'll be just like watching an old video... when things simply happen around you but u are powerless to do anything significant that will disrupt the flow of time. You'll be nothing more than an observer of sorts. Hahaha perhaps thatz what ghosts are - time travellers :P

---------------------------------------------

Ookie... got myself a mug (yes, a mug) of JD coke. Hopefully that'll calm the inside noises a little & perhaps I'll be able to get some rest later. Gah but one thing just leads to another. Letting my brain roam around the time travel bit makes me picture yet another scenario. More of evolution... or de-evolution [is there even such a thing?!].

I've always have this weird idea that time flows in a circle (yeah I know, this contradicts the straight line I drew earlier... but heyz, I'm a self-contradicting individual - everyone who knows me well enuff knows this). Hmm... ookie, can't be bothered to open Paint again... so just try to picture this. Time flows in a circle. There is no beginning & there's no end. Life is just one entire cycle that repeats itself over and over again. Hmm got a feeling that I've blogged about this b4 but I didn't go into much detail back then. Let me just put it this way... world war V [from a current point of view] might be fought with sticks & stones. Get it yet?

Well... shit lah... I'll draw a pic. Holy shit... with all that alcohol, itz starting to get a little difficult to control the mouse or even focus on what I'm typing. Brain is starting to have that swelling feeling and itz just sooner or later that I get a headache.

Here goes. Time as an endless circle. Ah shit... am feeling damn groggy now. According to science, what we know... it all started with the big bang. When planets are formed & life starts to evolve and all. Well, if all that is true, then probably it's also true that we are living on borrowed time. The planet is cooling. And when someday it becomes a lump of cold hard rock, Earth will no longer revolve around the Sun but fall into the unknown void. By then, what happens? Does that spell the end of humanity or by then, somehow, a Star Trek universe will exist? That humans will have the capability to live elsewhere? Terraforming an entire planet just to resemble what we once had? Plus not to mention, there will be a time when the Sun - our Sun - goes supernova & destroys the entire solar system.

After that what happens? Milleniums pass... another star forms. Another big bang occurs and the planets are formed once again. Earth reappears... life begins all over again, and sometime down the road, there'll be yet another 21 Feb 2007. Itz like some video tape that u play over and over again. Things will be the same... the formation of single celled organisms, dinosaurs, now-extict creatures roaming the planet once again... the ice age... etc. etc. That is if those things were real to begin with.

Okay this is enuff. Thankfully I still have the willpower to stop myself b4 I suffer a brain drain. Coz if I do suffer a brain drain... it'll take a couple of days to recuperate & during that recuperation process... it sucks. Coz I don't know which side of me will be dominant, and even if I do, there'll be nothing I can do about it. Then again, when that time comes, I'm not sure if I would even wanna do anything about it.

---------------------------------------------

The Monster without a name. You know what? Maybe the reason y I feel that weird when I heard that story is coz... somehow I relate to it. The power I have to totally destroy the world - my world, that is. Am not talking about the world in general... coz I am simply human at the end of the day. No matter what shit happens to me, Life will still go on. The Sun will still rise from the East the next day... people will still die, flowers will still bloom... etc. The world won't stop for just me, though at times I wish it would. But who the fuck am I trying to kid? I am not that important. No one really needs me that much. Much as I hate to admit this - I am not irreplacable. No one is (yes gal... I agree with what u said though u may not think that I was listening to u at that point of time).

Arrgghhh why the hell am I listening to Fade to Black on repeat mode?!

*shrugx* I am just one twisted self-destructive individual. And I can't help it. I mess with things I know I shouldn't be messing with. Trust me, I am aware of the consequences, but I still do it. Bleahhhhhh... itz the playing with fire thingy I keep talking about [doesn't only apply to relationships - itz more about my general approach to Life]. Someday I'll set my own world on fire, and chances are that, I won't escape unscathed. But I won't die. I know I won't. Call that bad luck if u wish. I won't die that easily. And when I recover - eventually I would - I'll be back playing with flames again. This is gonna continue till the day I find some more dangerous, something more interesting. Fuck manx, I'm one arsonist in the making. Gahhh look what alcohol does to me. I admit things that I wouldn't have when I'm sober.

I've played with fire literally. And no words can describe the feeling I get when I see that particular object burst into flames - not the kinda euphoric high, itz something else altogether. The fire burns... consumes... till there's nothing left but ashes. Damn, wish I had the powers of the Human Torch. I'll burn my house down. Fuck. I'll burn the entire world down, literally. Just for the pleasure of doing so. But itz different frm the flames that I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Those are literal... then again, itz not that much different, is it? Coz somehow, the soul & body are interlinked. One cannot exist without the other. Burning my spiritual world down is just as good as burning my physical world down... and vice versa. Though I must say, when it happens... the spritual pain will be so much greater.

Gahhh I just know the lyrics of Fade To Black will haunt me for the rest of this day, at the very least. Especially the words - "Life it seems, will fade away... Drifting further every day... Getting lost within myself... Nothing matters no one else" Well, those words reflect what I feel rite now. Hmmm to admit slightly, well... itz not exactly that no one else matters in my life rite now - there are still folks who do matter... much as I hate to admit this, there are people whom I will do anything for... in order to protect that smile of theirs [shit manx, this is so f**king weak... and I sure wouldn't have typed this if I'm in the right frame of mind].

FUCK I do need that 2nd drink. Done.

*sigh* Am having a few conversations on MSN rite now... and I probably won't be saying certain things if I'm 100% sober... but I guess, itz somehow better to get everything off my chest, at this during this point of time. Well... if you are reading this [and u know who u are - sorry, not that I'm being elusive... but I just dun feel like typing the name out], I meant what I said. You are included in the list of people whom I wanna protect, and I'll try my utmost best. Just that I can make no promises... so don't blame me if I fail (yeah I guess u probably think this is all bullshit, and that I'm just saying it... but well *shrugx* think whatever u want - I can't dictate ur thoughts & I wouldn't want to, even if I could). Coz there's no knowing when I'll self destruct. *grinx* Coz I one person I can never save is myself. Verdict? I fuck up my own life. LoLx and I'm enjoying the process.

Lol guess deep down inside I am just one fucked up kid who wants to be loved... and heyz, this ain't the alcohol speaking. Brain hath cleared up quite a bit liaox ~ guess am just gonna get a little rest or I won't be able to make it all the way to Jurong West for my next tuition. But rest gonna wait... coz I don't feel like logging off MSN as yet.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:12

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Damn... days pass in the blink of an eye. Seemingly a few seconds ago, it was Friday & I was looking forward to coming home on Sat for the reunion dinner. Now? Itz alredi the 3rd day of the Lunar New Year - the last day of the public holiday. *sigh* How I wish CNY will last a week at least. Then again, ah well, even a week would be too short I suppose. Lolx. Anyway itz been wonderful the past few dayz... even though the D&D session was cancelled @ the last minute [still managed to do some character creation online thru' MSN though, so it wasn't too bad]. Only thing that is nagging at the back of my mind is that I left my pets way back home, didn't go back for the past few nites. Wonder if any of them are still alive -.-" Itz really hoping for the impossible that somehow Ben will feed them on my behalf. 1stly, there's no pet food left... and chances of him going out to buy a pkt are as high as me striking Toto. 2ndly, he views them as a burden and it'll make him glad if they all die. Finally... what the hell makes anyone think he's even home for the past few nites?

Not that his actions matter much to me anymore.

The past few dayz seemed like a dream somehow. Things that I never thought would happen, happened. It ain't a bad thing... well, at least it doesn't seem to be a bad thing @ this point of time. Am not too sure if I'll regret this in the future, and I don't really wanna ponder too much about that either. One thing I'm sure is that, it was what I wanted to do at that point of time. Guess thatz all that matters. Anyway, I have this weird feeling that, when life returns to normalcy tomorrow, things will simply revert to the way it was b4 anything took place - some sort like waking up from a dream when day breaks. Won't know how I'll feel if that happened... well... I'm sure that I won't die. But... I really wonder if itz possible to just stay asleep forever ~ coz somehow I dun want this dream to end.

*shrugx* Whatever will be, will be I guess.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:31

Monday, February 19, 2007

Was just watching a couple of MTVs on YouTube: Hotel California, Wind of Change, Sonne and 18 and Life. *grinx* Didn't have a real reason to do so... just suddenly felt like listening to those songs and I don't have the mp3s. Hotel California especially. Jeez, someday manx... someday I'll learn how to play a part of it. Lolx for someone with 'sloth' as the middle name, seems like an impossible target huh? Speaking of which, once again I forgot to get batt for my tuner. Tmd. My fingers are like all stiffed up, wonder if I can still handle the starting of Fade to Black siahx. Ah well ~ all thatz needed is practice, right?

Shady self-destructed @ 03:28

Friday, February 16, 2007

My Best Friend - title of a composition I gave a P2 kid to write today. As expected, gauging frm his attitude & standard, he didn't even manage to write 5 lines. But that ain't the point. The title brought me back to a time when I was in skool... either P6 or Sec 1/2. I had to write that kinda composition as well. I faced quite a huge problem @ that time too. I never had a best friend. Don't ask me why, I just never did.

In Pri skool, there was a girl who was close to being a 'best friend' to me... but we just drifted apart when we left for different secondary skools & she moved outta town area. Managed to see her again recently, gotten her MSN and added her not too long ago. But somehow, everytime I see her online, I don't know what to say. The chasm between us is so wide that I've got no idea how to build a bridge across it. Yeah I suppose I could go with the normal small talk - how have u been. Yadda yadda. *sigh* But I hate those kinda talk. I dunno, I suppose I could start with something lame like - Happy CNY... and see how the conversation takes off frm there.

Gahh.

Anyway - what did I eventually write for the composition? Well... I made up a fictional character, Kenneth, and gave him the attributes that I wish I had & I worte about the things I wish I could do with a best friend. Ironically, I got close to a perfect grade for that. Lolx. 19/20, imagine that? Plus I had comments frm classmates who read that compo saying that he's someone I might fall in love with someday... yadda yaddda. Hahaha it nearly made me laugh back then. *grinx* Kenneth was too good to be true. Yeah I suppose he'll be the perfect mate but hell, he exists only in my imagination. Hahah, well I can't remember what exactly I wrote about him. Wonder why do I still remember him siahx. Kenneth... hmm, come to think of it, that was the name of my 1st guitar as well. Then came Terry, named after Terry Bogard; and the last one who's still with me - SubZero.

That reminds me. Gotta get a batt for my tuner sometime soon. SubZero's too good to be left simply collecting dust @ the corner of my room.

Shady self-destructed @ 18:15

Thursday, February 15, 2007

*shrugx* It wasn't that bad afterall! To think that I've been dreading the arrival of Valentine's Day since a week ago XD My day started like any other typical Wednesday. Woke up early, went for tuition... blah blah. Frankly I thought that I was gonna feel uber depressed the entire. But was far frm that it seems. Guess itz becoz I wasn't really out there, staring @ those lovey dovey couples. Yeah no doubt, the initial plan of going out for drinks after tuition was ruined... but somehow I wasn't too disappointed when I heard the news. Heh perhaps I've stopped looking forward to anything anymore [I admit, with exception of the reunion dinner this Sat & the AD&D game on Sunday nite!]. It ain't that bad u know, when u don't place ur hopes too high. At least you wouldn't end up crashing and burning!!~!

Ah well... anyway, I thought that perhaps I'll just stay home and catch up on Dark Cloud 2 a little, considering that I've postponed tomorrow morning's class to Fri & I don't have to wake up till mid afternoon. Then came the SMS frm an old old friend (yes OLD!!). Ghostrider @ Jurong Pt, 9:30pm. I thought, hell, why not? So I went. Unfortunately I couldn't really stay for supper coz somehow I was itching to get home... tired lahx ~ the movie? uhmm... uhhh I went in w/o much expectations anyway, so let's just say it was as 'good' as I thought it would be.

Flaming skull was pretty kewl though. And oh, the flaming bike too. Wasn't worth the $8, but ah well, doesn't matter. Itz healthy to go out now and then =)

Shady self-destructed @ 00:37

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Finally bought a few clothes. Ookie... just 2 berms + 1 shirt. Queensway. I just knew that I'll find something when I went there. Lolx. Too bad didn't take the time to wander ard Far East on Sat though. Can't find tank tops anywhere *mumbles*. Anyone knows where sells tank tops with exception of Giordano? Would prefer those punk-grunge style. Not those flowery girly kinds. Once again, I wish I was born a guy. All the tops that caught my eye... were men's wear, and somehow they don't have an XS size. Even S was too big for me. Tmd. Yah lah, I'm thin, thatz y when I wear it I'll look even more emancipated. Such a shame. Think I'll look kinda cute in those shirts that I eyed if they had the proper size. Haha yeah, I admit that I dig guys who have the attitude to wear those kinda clothes too. Not those bengs or beng-wannabes of coz. Bengs make even Armani jeans look cheap :P

2x berms

shirt from Underground

Ah well... still a few more dayz to go. Will see if I can spare the time to do anymore "last minute shopping". Damn. Want those tank tops. Midriffs too.

Shady self-destructed @ 23:31

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Ack, found another reminder letter - frm Starhub SCV. $149+ Sheesh - that means 3 mths unpaid. Eh much as I wanna adopt a 'bo chup' attitude towards all this, it still ticks me off big time. What is this siahx? Everything is snowballing into huge amounts and I'm the only one who is concerned? I daresay the total amounts owed everything overshoots 1k liaox loh. *sigh* I don't have $ to continue paying. It just ain't fair. I alredi settled Harusame's road tax. Buying clothes tml will just put me in the red for this mth, but I don't have that much of a choice for that, do I? Lolx, not that I'm going visiting for CNY. Itz just that I do need a couple of new clothes now and then. Aarrgghhhhh. Am outta pet food too.

Am looking forward to CNY though. Itz just another week away. Yeah, one thing is the extended break I'm gonna get. Finally a few dayz w/o tutoring. Another thing is the reunion dinner. Am gonna have a steamboat @ home!! Woohoo!! The icing on top of the cake will be the D&D game thatz scheduled on the 1st nite of CNY. Itz gonna be an overnite thing. Wonder whatz take place this time /gg Hmmm... there's a high chance that new characters will be created though - 2 of our old players have left. 3 of us. Well... somehow it'll do :P Just hopefully all the plans will be seen thru'.

Sheesh... yet another weird SMS frm a weird source. On Ben's handphone, that is. Can't remember the exact words, as it was barely 7am when the phone beeped & I read it. Damn, I wish my brain was alert enough to take the number down. At least I'll be able to find out if the person is male or female. Sounds female though - accusing him of lying. Lolx, apparently he's been lying to his little mistress as well. Pathetic huh? Ah well ~ that should explain all those late night "ships" w/o an increase in income. Damn, can't PIs be cheaper? Am very very tempted to just hire one now, and let things end asap. Am tired of dragging things on. Since 'love' no longer exists in this r/s, itz pretty much pointless to allow myself further trudging in filth. Act on lust, not love... it's better on the heart - nice advice Noods. Lolx, I will take that into consideration and might just adopt that kinda attitude frm now onwards.

*sigh* I just hope I have enuff energy to complete all the classes today. Just 2, but itz the dreaded Sec 2 Maths one - think I'm gonna just quit that after 1 mth. Gotta bring Harusame out, or I wouldn't be able to make it to Jurong E in time (yeah, the one with the f**ked up mum + daughter)... wonder if she'll be fine. Ahhh well, after it I should just go down to my parents place for dinner - am looking forward to that. Let that be my motivation for the day I guess.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:20

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Thank goodness Harusame is okay - in a way. Was able to start and all, and managed to get rid of the batt dying problem. Thing is, can't be sure till I take her out again... after I replace that brake lever that broke -.-" Ah well... it could be worse, and am thankful that it isn't. My heart will shatter if she ever does. Lolx, funny how u get attached to certain non-sentinent beings huh? Then again, am not too sure if that label is suitable for her. Somehow, I get the feeling that she has a soul. I believe thatz something only riders will understand. A bike may just be a bike, but your bike is not any other bike. Hmm... ok, that doesn't make too much sense.

F**k it. Am just rambling on and on.

Finished up ep 40 of Blood+ - Dreams of a Chevalier. I do envy Saya. She has folks beside her who are willing to give everything just to protect her. Haji, Riku, Kai & even Solomon. *grinx* I know I'll just melt if someone says those words they do to me. Guess somewhere deep down, I do have a heart. Though actions always speak louder than words - don't u dare say u'll be the bandage for my wounds if you conveniently disappear when I bleed, it would be music to the ears if such stuff were said now and then. Not too often though. If such words are to be constantly repeated, they'll simply lose their meaning.

Gah!! Received a call frm Hong Leong customer svc today, and things don't look good -.-" Apparently what I had in mind cannot be done. Damn the rigidity of companies. No doubt, certain rules & regulations have to be put in place for order to be maintained... but at times itz just simply too constricting.

1:15am. The night is still young. I'd love to prowl the streets, though at this point of time, think I'll be hobbling more than anything else. Alas, I do need to sleep... class again @ 9am. This time, w/o Harusame, I gotta leave earlier, which means... I gotta get up earlier. $@%&~ At least I'll have some spare hours to catch some snooze in the noon tomorrow. Arrgghhhh I really detest waking up early in the morning. The best hours are always wasted sleeping away. Damn. Someday I'll get my bicycle fixed & bring it here. There are simply so many roads to explore. Plus I do need the exercise *shrugx* am getting thin.

Shady self-destructed @ 01:16

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Aaarrggghhhh I crashed Harusame again. What an idiot I was. Her battery wasn't running fine since afternoon, but still I insisted on taking her to tuition instead of taking public transport. Never knew how bad it was w/o the left mirror. Tried to make a turn... then saw cars @ the last minute... braked... engine stalled & down she goes -.-" Gahhh!! I simply left her parked at Fajar. Will return later tonite to take a look at her - that is if I can still walk by then. It wasn't too bad hobbling back... but my knee hurts like hell now. So does the palm. Damn. Yet another scar to add to my collection. Anyway ~ ain't too concerned about myself. Wounds heal. I just hope Harusame isn't too badly injured. Her right fairing doesn't seem smashed or anything, but will take a closer look later. *sigh* I feel like I'm the greatest moron on the planet. Really.

Shady self-destructed @ 21:46

Monday, February 05, 2007

*sigh* Didn't manage to "repair" the mirror on Harusame. Imagine what force is needed to rip the entire thing outta the 'socket'? Ben & a neighbour tried, but they couldn't get it back in. The only way that the mirror can be put back into itz socket is by shattering the glass. Needless to say, itz totally useless afterwhich -.-" Now itz simply lying on my table... yet another item joins my trash heap. Need to spend $ getting a new pair of mirrors. Goddamnit. You know, it'll feel damn good, to use the shards of glass frm the mirror to tear that vandal's face open. Then smear a little honey... pour a little red ants ~ perfecto!

Shady self-destructed @ 21:58

I had a dream last nite. A beautiful dream with you in it - with you and me together. *shrugx* Dreams are really a reflection of the subconscious I suppose. At times, in dreams, the reality hoped for is portrayed. In the dream, you told me what I wanted to hear. The very words that I wish you'd say. There's only so much I can do when I wake up. When I return to the real world. Somehow, I suppose, it ain't enough. I'm helpless. It's evident. All I can do is watch helplessly as the events unfold around me. I'd like to offer a hand [figuratively, of coz - I treasure my limbs lolx]... but even if I could... and I'm unsure if I can, will you take it? Trust me, if there's someway I can take you along with me... to wherever I'm headed to w/o breaking your will, I would. I can't say that I know where I'm going, I can't say that things won't fall apart in the end... there are many things that I can't promise you. But u know what, I'll take things a step @ a time - I'll like to do whatever I can & let nature take care of the rest. Guess that'll only happen if you'll let it happen.

Right now, the only thing I can do is dream. How I wish I could just sleep forever. But dreams always fade away with the morning light. The very light that sustains life, and illuminates how f**ked up that very life can be.

I went to the carpark to take Harusame out earlier. Was intending to go for my tuition class. Yeah it was a pain to get outta bed... but I consoled myself with the thought that at least I can sleep in tomorrow. But that ain't gonna happen -.-" I ended up cancelling the class, to make a police report. It was another act of vandalism and this is way outta my tolerance level. The torn sticker was an annoyance. This is much worse. It's Harusame's left mirror this time. Ripped out and dumped onto the floor nearby. Frankly, I don't remember offending anyone living ard this area - hell, I don't even talk to anyone! Perhaps itz the way Harusame looks, but heyz don't hate my bike coz itz beautiful. The cops came down, took a statement @ the scene, took a couple of prints. But I doubt anything's gonna happen. In such cases, culprits are rarely caught. The law can't do everything. Oh I'll bet, if I'm someone of status, the vandal will be apprehended. But too bad, am just a regular person.

$#^*#$&~ nah beh now I gotta get to my nxt 2 classes with 1 mirror missing. I just hope that wun cause too much of a hazard.

Whoever it was - high chances are, he/she took half my sticker as well. Just let me find that asshole, I swear he/she'll pray that he/she was never born. There are so many things that I can do to another human being who pisses me off... if only there's someway to do it w/o the repercussions. There are so many throats that I'll love to slit apart & watch as life gradually seeps away. I wonder how a person's last moments will be like, especially if he is choking on his own blood. The river of life bubbling outta the severed artery. The futile attempts to utter meaningless words. But know what? That ain't the best part. That ain't the worst I can do. The best way to hurt someone is to hurt someone he loves & make him watch it.

Alrite, shall not make this post too graphic. If you want the details, you know how to reach me. Saying is just one thing. Doing it is another. Much as I'd love to do it, I doubt I ever will... so if ever there's a crime of such capacity in Bt. Panjang, it won't be me. I'm just too f**king lazy to do it. Doesn't mean that I don't wish I'm living in a time & place that allows me to do so though. I can never be a beautiful princess awaiting the arrival of a knight in his shinning armour. What I can be though, is a ruthless unflinching cold-hearted nightmare.

Am gonna get some sleep b4 my next class. I wonder if the dream I had last night will continue. Thatz the only way I can get to see you afterall, since we are so far apart. Then again, I hate what this is doing to me, and part of me wishes that I never met you in the 1st place. Don't get me wrong, it ain't your fault I guess. You got no idea what you've done to me, have you? Well guess some things are always better left unsaid, unknown.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:11

Sunday, February 04, 2007

A movie that is set in 4 very different places on the planet - Morocco, Tunisia, Mexico + Japan & interweaves the lives of an American tourist couple, a Mexican nanny, 2 Morocon boys & a Japanese deaf mute girl. Itz difficult to tell where it all began, and when it all ended. But the story somehow falls together pretty well. The common theme, if u ask me, is how humans experience desperation and live to overcome it. The entire show shifts frm one setting to another, w/o much of a "disturbance" in between... ain't in chronological order though, but thatz ain't a problem at all. Portrayals of different cultures were decent (though am not too sure if itz realistic coz I haven't been to those places). The storyline engaging enough. The cast was great.

Verdict: worth a watch @ the cinema.

Anyway, I caught it at GV Max, Vivocity. It was the 1st time I ever stepped into that building. Gah ~ itz huge... for Singapore standards (tons of shopping centres in KL are that size, or even larger anyway). Never really bothered to take a walk around. Simply had dinner @ Banquet food court, had a smoke, strolled ard for a bit at the open area on the 3rd level and then it was time for the movie. After that, itz a beeline to the bus stop to catch no. 80 home. Company was good =) Wish we had more time to wander around for a bit though. Only complaint is - itz f**king crowded in there + itz like so totally outta the way!! If I wasn't bunking over at my parents' place last nite, Vivocity won't be on my list of 'to go' places thatz for sure. Would have opted for a more "secluded" cinema ie. Beach Road.

Hmm... tons of food places there though. Do Singaporeans really enjoy eating that much? Heh perhaps someday I'll check out the Marche there. Ah well, then again ~ doubt I'm gonna go down via public transport anymore. It took me almost an hr & half via LRT-MRT. Not to mention, the train was so damn crowded. Super unpleasant. *grinx* Yeah I suppose all thatz coz I live in a f**ked up area to begin with.

Damn, how I wish I could just move back to my parents' place & stay here for good. Perhaps I will, when I find a FT job ard town area. There'll be nothing left in Bt Panjang for me anymore when that time comes. I'll just bring all the pets down here someway or another. LoLx yeah it'll probably stink up my entire room & make it slightly unpleasant. But thatz nothing compared to gg back to a house tainted with the presence of a freeloader + gf. Bt Panjang just ain't home. Itz a house that I've got partial ownership of and nothing more. What Ben does to the place then, will no longer be my concern. That'll definitely take some of the mental load off my shoulders. Hmmm... ookie, to be honest, there's something I'm gonna miss. I'm gonna miss all that wallspace to disply my completed cross-stitch pieces, the sofa on which I spend hours stitching + I'm gonna miss that big comfy bed with nice pillows, nice blosters & a nice quilt. Oh... the rain showerhead too. *shrugx* Material items and nothing more. Guess I can always get those luxuries here in future when I can afford them.

There should be an end to everything.

Shady self-destructed @ 19:32

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Am now up to Ep 17 of Blood+. Can't say that I exactly like the main character - Saya as yet. Till now, she's been nothing more than a weak useless high school girl. Hmmm why do I keep watching then, I guess itz becoz of her chevalier, Haji. Lolx, don't ask me why but am gradually falling in love with him. A quiet, sensitive guy who doesn't express emotions too frequently. Doesn't help that he has those long flowing locks as well :P Gahhh!! I should stop this. Itz kinda unhealthy falling for animated characters, isn't it? Anyway checked the anime out on Wikipedia & realised that itz actually a continuation from Blood: The Last Vampire. Perhaps I should watch that b4 watching further.

Come to think of it, I should finish up Monster before watching anything else as well. Can't remember which ep I stopped though -.-" Total 72, if I didn't remember wrong. Am probably up till 40 odd. *shrugx* Frm what I know, there should be Monster 2 as well. Ah well :P

Itz the weekend again. 1 more tuition class, the stupid one @ Jurong E with the dumb kid, and thatz it... am off the for week! Yeah ~ Sundays are what I look forward to every single week. Seems like a kinda routine is starting to work itself out. Bunking over at my parents' place on Sat, then waking up for a late lunch... off to Jap class at 420pm... then dinner. If am lucky, will manage to hang out with friends on either one of those dayz. But itz always too soon, that the craziness of everyday life catches up again. Sundays don't last forever. It'll be Monday... and the week starts all over again.

You know what, am really starting to think that I should take a trip somewhere b4 I look for a FT job. Thing is, itz gonna be financially draining if I do that. But am mentally exhausted - it should help me to a certain extent, and I wonder what it is that keeps me going. What am I living for? *sigh* Guess I'll just do whatever I can. Unfortunately, more often than not, it ain't enough & I'm just wandering around in circles.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:47

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Made a voluntary CPF contribution earlier via the AXS machine, came home & did a pre-evaluation of this month's accounts. Things don't look good. My "out" is still higher than my "in". Been in the red for the past few mths liaox - and if this carries on, it'll not take long b4 my savings are drained. Well... to be in the green, I consider having at least $20 for savings/mth [can't expect too much rite now]. Doesn't help that some tutees are always cancelling & postponing lessons. Hmm... got a feeling that I'm gonna lose yet another student soon too (yeah I can always get another, but there's the 50% comission cut that agencies take for the 1st mth) - the one @ Jurong East.

After the last lesson, the mum made a comment that I don't seem to be experienced at all. Hmm... fair enough, you say? *shrugx* Itz the reason she gave for that conclusion that pissed me off. She mentioned that when she always asks the kid certain stuff, that idiot says that she doesn't know. Obviously she doesn't know!! This is one really problematic child who's problem greatly lies with lousy attitude towards learning. During lessons, she'll daydream and not pay attention when I'm explaining certain stuff to her. Thatz for English. For Science? I can repeat the same things over and over again, ask her the same things over and over again... and she doesn't remember. Everyone knows that Science has alot to do with memory work. If she doesn't take the effort to study... what can I do, really? Smash the information directly into those rotten brains of hers? Lolx, trust me... I would if I could - would save me tons of irritation.

It doesn't help too, that she is ill-bred. When I give her homewrk, she'll not do and then complain that she's under loads of stress. Plus she can ask a thousand and one questions totally unrelated to what she's studying. Like how old am I, why am I not living with my parents... yadda yadda. Heyz, such information is on a need to know basis... and frm my point of view, she doesn't need to know. Another annoyance is, the tution timing is never fixed. Every week it'll be different - her mum will decide and thatz really damn inconvenient. Not to mention, the mum is prone to postpone/cancel classes at the last goddamned minute!! Gahh!! Her mum does need a lesson in social skills too. Fancy saying that I'm lying when I told the kid that my broadband only took 1 day to activate ~ her's took 2 weeks for goodness knows what reason (though I assume that a large part of it is due to extreme stupidity). F**ked up parent = f**ked up kid manx... thatz all I can say.

Yeah... I'll miss the $180 if this class is terminated, but I won't miss the student. Plus itz gonna be a hassle contacting agencies for another assignment once again. But ah well... if it has to be done, it will be done. Hell, if I ever get a full-time job, and the mum hasn't changed a tutor yet, she'll be the 1st student I'll strike off my list! *grinx* Sat will be my 8th lesson ~ pay day. Wonder if that'll be the last lesson as well. According to the kids, she has had many tutors before - signs don't look good huh? Gah!! Not to mention, she'll probably complain to the agency about my "inexperience". Whatever lah... like everything else, there are both pros & cons of being a home tutor.

Will monitor for yet another mth (f**k the 6mth "probabtion period" I gave myself initially). If my financial status is still lousy, will start actively seeking a full-time job. *sigh* Too bad my application as an Education Officer with the SPCA was unsuccessful. It was a job that I would have enjoyed. Plus I thought I had a good chance too - coz I didn't feel that the interview went too badly... itz just that, I had this slight nagging thought that 1 of the interviewers didn't like me for some reason. Anyway, there were other applicants and they must have been more impressive than I was. Ah well ~ guess I just ain't destined to wrk there. Or maybe, some higher power is telling me to go ahead & listen to my heart... take a trip to refresh myself mentally b4 starting to work again.

1st of Feburary today. Another 2 weeks to the acursed day. F**k manz... I dread the thought of spending that night alone.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:48

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

+ A r c h i v e s +

02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009

+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

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