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Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else


I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free


Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel


Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone


No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try


Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye


Fade to Black - Metallica




Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life


Monday, November 20, 2006


Darn, despite endless self-reminders not to purchase any new RPG titles, I gave in to temptation and came home with 6 new games yesterday... after having my long-awaited haircut. What makes it worst is that... I was alredi in the red last mth, living off my measly savings - I shouldn't really spend anything more! The hair cost me RM120. That was paid via debit card + I spent all the S$30 I brought in. The games were just RM25 - the remainder actually went to food & Ben's petrol. Yep. Don't think he hath changed. That jerk wouldn't even fetch me in, claiming that he's broke & has no petrol, if I didn't offer to pay for part of his expenses there. Well, guess most ppl would just say f**k it, and not go in... but I'm weak, so goddamned WEAK!!!

The games is 1 thing - itz RM5... buy 5 get 1 free (as compared to S$8/disc here), a haircut @ the salons I'm acustomed to here, will cost me S$120 min ookie!! *sigh* Yet after all that, am left with a stupid bob cut. LoLx this is the last time I'm gonna let the hairdresser 'choose' a hairstyle for me. Now I look like a mushroom head. Hmmm just hopefully TCC won't make a big fuss over my hair color. Itz kinda red under strong light though - which is something the company doesn't exactly approve -.-"

Anyway lately, I've been doing some catching up with a few old friends - going to KTVs, hanging out for dinner, meeting up for their bday celebrations. Ack, feel kinda bad that they've been paying for me all the while. Said that they should, since itz their bday... but somehow I get the feeling that itz coz they are taking pity on me. Aaarggghhhh!!! Know what really touched me the most? Last Sat, after wrk, I went down to Five-Ten to have a few drinks with them. I was unwilling to go... coz it'll mean that after that I gotta splurge on a cab fare home. Well... a friend actually passed me $20 after that! Eventually I didn't use it, coz I hitched a ride down to Balestier to meet someone else who sent me home on a super 4. Told the friend about it, and she just told me to keep the $20, and she'll accept my treat in future when I manage to settle down my finances.

Sheesh did I just hear someone remind me that I have a flatmate aka Ben who drives? Oh yeah, I did ask him to pick me up. His response? A flat no, and he doesn't give a shit when I say I couldn't afford the cab fare home. What makes it worse is that, the nxt day, to 'test' his reactions... I mentioned that I actually walked the best half of the way back. The response this time? Serves you right for having a bike & not riding. Uhmm did anyone know that it was actually raining at Bt Panjang in the noon on Sat? Whatever it is. Yeah I fucking deserved it. I deserved it for not opening my eyes & getting myself into shit in the 1st place... almost 2 goddamned years ago!!

Gahhh and yesterday he was at the car shop @ JB again. Tons of time wasted just waiting around. Thankfully there was a 'little tiger' that kept me occupied for a while. Gee I just adore kittens. I just can't wait to have my own feline companion here. Apparently leopards nvr change their spots, and instead of regretting his actions as a result of being broke all the time, he's now planning on spending more on that goddamned car. All those unecessary modifications and beautifications. Gosh! Guys just don't ever grow up do they? The only thing that changes is that - they get larger & more expensive toys. It doesn't help that the folks he got to know over there are all of the same breed.

Yes yes, I am complaining about my spouse again. So if you don't feel comfortable reading this, just get the fuck outta here & not read it coz I'm not fucking asking you to! Ha ha ha yeah u don't understand why I'm still in the r/s do you? You won't understand... not till u get into one simillar. Am thankful that I still have friends who do understand. Just one note, should u ever get into a simillar state, don't bitch about it to me... coz itz simply will be a case the pot calling the kettle black, and u won't get sympathy frm me. But one really wonders, what is it that makes it so difficult to get outta a poisonous r/s. I ain't the only one in this situation that I know of... in fact I do know of ppl who are in it worse. *sigh* Incidentally, all are women. Tells a certain story here huh?

Footnote: Ain't mentioning anyone in particular when I said "you". Itz for all those who fall under the category... yeah YOU!! LoL

Well... that aside, am still in the midst of negotiation with Spring Language School... who has yet to pay me!! Am close to taking legal action now. Aarrgghhh I just hope all this will come to a wrap soon. Not that I've got any idea what I wanna do for the future... but I just need that cheque to cover last mth's red and to prevent myself frm falling into the red category this mth too. Phew, one thing I never did regret was to take up the TCC job back then. It was xiong, thinking back, but if I didn't take it up, I'll be getting a $0 income rite now. Haven't had any luck finding tuition assignments at the moment, but am gonna persist. Will give myself till end of this year... if that ain't finalised, I'll go hunt for a full-time job instead. In the meantime will just enjoy the freedom my current lifestyle brings.

Oh yeah, I finally went for the SPCA volunteer orientation a couple of weeks back and am now looking forward to do some volunteer work when I still can. Perhaps I'll offer to help out with dog walking too. Itz just that... argghh 8:30am is kinda early :P Ah well... sacrifices gotta be made sometime I suppose.

Good luck to me.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:09

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


Gah!! Izzit just ME or does shit happen to everyone?

Am supposed to start the part-time admin job today... went all the way down to South Bridge Road, bypassing 2 ERP gantries in the process, tore a carpark coupon... and guess what? The company wasn't open today!! Apparently they secured some huge project and everyone went for a picnic!! *rolls eyes* To think that someone actually called 2 weeks ago and told me to start wrk today?! No one actually had the decency to call me and arrange another date! Gosh!! Thankfully someone did open the door... the guy who interviewed me the other time, and guess what? He has absolutely no idea that I'm supposed to be wrking! Goodness... and instead of the $9/hr pay the told me the other time, itz now $30 for 4hrs. Works out to be $7.50/hr, still a decent rate, but kaox... I don't think I'm gonna show up ever again! Or at the very least, am gonna give them a phonecall b4 I do. Now I'm supposed to start officially on the 1st of Dec. Jeez, if it was you, would u go?

Arrgghhh am getting increasingly disatisfied wrking @ TCC. The colleagues are fine, the work is just tiring and the pay is peanuts! Sheesh... why do I have to settle for $5.30/hr? Can someone remind me again why the f**k am I in the position I now am in? Now Sci Buddies keep calling me to ask whether am interested to wrk there full-time as a course consultant. That'll be reminding me too much of Spring Language School. Is that a good idea? Well... will just call that guy later anyway, to check out the salary 1st. It is near my place, thatz one thing. Hmm but itz a 9 - 6pm job. Kinda boring huh?

I'd better think things up soon, will give myself till Dec to make up my mind. Am tempted to toy with the idea of being a full-time tutor but have yet to actually decide. *sigh* Don't u just hate it when there are tons of decisions to make - and itz more like choosing the best option outta the worst? Hmm b4 anything, betta get my lazy ass moving & check out the Aussie universities that offer veterinary science instead. Though chances are high that, I wouldn't be able to afford it eventually anyway -.-"

In times like this, wish I was born to a rich family. LoL just take a look at the papers... this rich socailite girl set up a TV station and ppl are making a big fuss about it? C'mon lah, if my dad had as much $ as her dad, I would alredi own a f**king veterinary clinic and have a masters or something in vet science!! Probably majoring in animal surgery!! Plus I'll have doctors & nurses working for me instead of now being so lost about my future. Zzz... my point is, if there's a big fuss to be made, those who are great are those who worked their way up frm the bottom, not those who are born with an advantage!!

Anyway, think am addicted to yet another mmorpg, Runsacape, thanks to DP once again. LoL gotta thank him for all those newbie starter stuff though :P Wonder how long am I gonna stick to this. Somehow, am still on Oz, though I don't really fish that much anymore these days. Met a few nice ppl in game and guess thatz the thing that kept me going.

What's next?

Shady self-destructed @ 10:13

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


As expected, the PRC toads wanted to pay me less than what I was entitled to... it was a waste of time even going down. Firstly, if I ain't wrong, I am entitled to pay for the notice period - coz it was them who asked me not to go down... not the other way round. Plus, the bitch claimed that since I ain't continuing with the company, I won't be entitled to the annual leave. Furthermore, they will only pay me for 2 days for Oct - that is missing out the 2 public holidays. This is definitely less than what I'm willing to settle for. Yeah yeah I'll have to reimburse them the 1k, but at this rate, I'll be at the losing end... coz everything will be to their benefit. I did mention to her, pay me in full for Sept, and ask them to send me a lawyer letter to claim the 1k. She simply refused. Fine. If thatz the case, I'm in the midst of consulting a lawyer too. Will see how things go. And don't think I'm gonna let them off easy... even if it means bearing the lawyer fees on my own.

Too many Singaporeans have let them do whatever they liked for too long - just coz they are "afraid of trouble". All of them just paid and left. F**k it lah. Thatz the problem with this country's people - scared of one thing or another. Singaporeans are just way too laid back. So much so that the PRC nationals are taking it for granted and 'eating up' everyone along the way. Things are starting to get fun.

Future-wise, well I can say bollocks to my future lah. LoL as expected, received a rejection from MOE about my teaching application - lesson learnt... when the gahmen decides to offer u something, accept it the 1st time round, or never get an offer ever again. Damn, 1 mistake made will result in many repercussions. Look. If I didn't get married, I wouldn't be pushed to accept the 1st job offer I received at that time (with the lousy language school). If I sign that ridiculous contract, I would have taken up the MOE offer!! Gahh... itz just one bloody snowball effect. I better look carefully b4 I leap nxt time.

The holiday course thingy was totally screwed as well. Went all the way down to Upper Thomson area yesterday for 'training'. Ended up being the only one there, and the centre's manager told me that the Bt Timah guy actually informed them that I wasn't avaliable on Fri hence insisted on coming down yesterday! Ehh since WHEN did I ever claim I was not okay for Fri? Ain't it just as good as putting words into my mouth? Plus... I confronted the guy about the contract and all. He mentioned that I'll only be offered a contract if I was deemed suitable based on the ctr's manager's evaluation. Ookie, it does sound fair on the surface but think again. There is a sickening feeling that once again I'm treated as a spare. Seems that they want to send me for training to ensure that there's a backup, in case their teacher's aren't free to conduct the camp!! Should I go down on Fri?

Anyway, despite my initial 'promise' that I wouldn't start a new RPG b4 completing any of those in progress, I had itchy fingers and started on Grandia Xtreme a week ago. To be frank, am tempted to just not play it - but I don't have the habit of stopping what I start! The 1st annoying thingy... the main character Evann. Hahah ookie, itz just me, but I can't stand his face!! Both portrait & 3D image of him is totally bad. Not to mention, the facial expressions during speech totally ticks me off. LoL another point - the monsters are simillar to that of Grandia II - just a slight difference in color. Ehh what are the game developers doing? Slacking off? To think itz by Square Soft & Game Arts.


Oh... if that ain't bad enuff, I've inserted a few screenies, taken of Gamespot. Just take a look @ the graphics. To be the fair, the movie scenes are decent - with nice details on the background (though nothing extraordinary). But the in-game graphics leaves much to be desired. LoL ookie, I gotta mention that Grandia II wasn't super when it comes to graphics either... but it had a captivating storyline which doesn't exist here!! Or maybe not yet... considering that I've played for about only 10 hours. It just seems kinda shallow if u ask me. I would expect an RPG to have a plot that would capture my attention from the start.

A closer look of that ugly face (top)

Finally... the most irritating thing about Grandia XTreme is - where the f**k are the save points? u can only save in the armoury back in camp. Yah yah there are Geogates @ the start of each dungeon... but hello, one dungeon takes like > 2hrs to crawl thru', excluding the boss battles and all. Hmmm and izzit me or are there no save points b4 the boss battle? Imagine spending hours in a dugeon only to die @ the boss fight? LoL nice thought huh? I just prefer RPGs that allow me to stop for a bit when I get tired or when I wanna do something else. With Grandia XTreme, seems like the "something else" appeals too often. I just hope Grandia III doesn't disappoint me this bad.

Dark Cloud 2 wise, am progressing steadily. Yeah this is one loooooong game as well - with all the mini stuff u gotta do ie. Speda, fishing... etc. But so far, am pretty satisfied with it, though I might give up collecting all the weapons & concentrate on building one instead. Monica simply has too many swords!!

Hmm... The Sims 2: Pets should be out by now! Can't wait to lay my hands on it ^-^ Will probably have to reinstall the entire game, coz am experiencing some bugs - especially after I downloaded & installed a community lot. Hmm the nxt time I'll either start off with Vernonaville or I'll create and entire town of my own, plus I'll build my own graveyard instead of downloading frm the webby. Can't stand it when the game crashes during the loading of certain families - how to continue with my 'plans' liddat? *nod nod* I just love playing God. Got a problem with that?? :P

Shady self-destructed @ 12:45

Friday, November 03, 2006


There is something seriously wrong with me. Am perpetually lethargic - despite catching sufficient rest hours these dayz. Seems to be simply trudging thru' life in a lackluster languid manner. *sigh* Is that the backlash of unemployment? Ah well... I should really be enjoying my r&r instead of thinking too much huh? Whatz worse is, I keep waiting for things to happen instead of frantically searching for another job. Hmm I admit, am still waiting for a call-up by MOE & placing my hopes on other unconfirmed matters. I just hope I don't end up with nth at the end of the day!!

1st will be a "perm part-time" admin job - the interview that I initially thought it was a waste of time, coz the person ended up blabbering to me about a sales position. Well... I got a call frm them a week ago, and the person on the line simply told me to start wrk on the 15th. At this point of time, all I know is that my wrking hours are 8:30 - 12:30pm. What are the wrking days, how much is the salary, I've absolutely no idea. But will just go down to take a look anyhow. Don't have much to lose, do I?

Another one is with the tuition skool, SB, I went down for an interview for last mth. This one am feeling exceptionally skeptical of - guess itz due to negative experience with private schools (I swear, if I ever have a kid, I'll tutor him/her myself insteading of sending that fella to a language skool or tuition ctr of any kind!!). Well... the manager, Wilson, contacted me mentioning that they'll be hiring me to teach a holiday program & asked me to attend training on the 7th. Remuneration is $20/hr, but training hours are unpaid. Hmm... initially he mentioned that I've gotta sign a contract prior attending the training course. When I called him yesterday, thatz no longer the case. I've gotta attend the training 1st, then sign the contract another day. Uhhh so whatz my problem? Ookie, my problem is, I wouldn't wanna attend the course & waste a couple of hrs there & not get the assignment eventually!! Private skools seem to be always full of last min shite, treating ppl like spare tyres. I just hope that SB is different frm the rotten Spring Language School.

Speaking of Spring, am returning tml to settle $$ matters. With regards to my Sept salary, Oct salary (just a couple of dayz) and the annual leave. Wonder howz that gonna turn out. Ha ha, of coz they'll try their best to lie, cheat and steal whatever they can. But I ain't gonna let them get away with this nonsense. I ain't gonna back down and accept anything that is less than satisfactory. *shakes head* Guess itz a mistake of mine actually. I should have ensured that I obtained Sept's pay b4 tendering my resgination or going MIA. Itz just that my mood wasn't too good back then... ah well, whatever. What's done is done. Pointless regretting my actions. Should focus on the nxt step instead.

Arggghhhhh I wonder whatz wrong with me!!!

I just don't have the mood to do anything much. Imagine this, I finally met up with a few old friends yesterday, went to KTV - itz been a loooooong time since I went, and uhh I actually felt bored? LoL dinner was great though, butter crab & crab beehoon @ AMK blk 232. I just hope Adeline liked the cross-stitch card I gave her. Felt slightly guilty that I didn't pay a single cent the entire time (with exception of a snack I had while waiting for her). Well... she offered to treat me, so I just accepted it -.-" Wonder when is the nxt time I'm gonna catch up with them. Another 2 years down the road? LoL

Ehhh money-wise, am spending too much lately. Mon, I went to watch Death Note - which was an expected disappointment - had nachos & spent quite a lot @ Spotlight, getting cross stitch supplies. A while ago, went to Shop & Save to purchase some groceries. Am gonna keep myself on a tight budget now. Bought 2 packs of instant noodles. Thatz gonna be my lunch for the nxt few dayz. 5pkts per pack. Lunch for 10 dayz settled. Bought pasta sauce, macaroni and campbell's soup for the dinners I have to have at home. Aaargghh itz really fucked up that I can't cook a healthier meal. Da baoing food will be my nxt healthier option - vegetable rice, but thatz gonna cost way too much.

It just sucks being broke.

But know what sucks more? That some dude is actually treating me like a spare tyre!! No no, not Ben this time. Someone actually SMSed me earlier, asking me whether I'm wrking tonite. When I said I was... the nxt sms that came said that his gf has a dinner tonite, so he's wondering if I'll be free to ask out for dinner as well. *rolls eyes* The typical gerfriend not free, then anyhow find another ger to go out with to make yourself feel betta kinda scenario. Doesn't seem right ehx? Anyway, I am wrking later.

Even if I'm not, am way too lazy to move anywhere. Both my hands are aching. Too much stitching or gaming, am not too sure. Darn the weather doesn't seem to get any better. Itz always raining in the afternoons these dayz. Think I might have to just end up taking public transport again. Aargghhh this pisses me off. My bike is just decomposing in the carpark & itz just a waste of time travelling to & fro. Maybe I should just f**k it, and take my bike anyway. Am tired of taking LRT & bus.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:08






.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page



Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.

In Progress

  • Dark Cloud 2
  • Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
  • Kingdom Hearts
  • Kingdom Hearts II
  • Wild Arms 3

In Queue

  • Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
  • Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
  • Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
  • Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
  • Dark Cloud
  • Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
  • Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
  • Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
  • Final Fantasy X
  • Final Fantasy X-2
  • Final Fantasy XII
  • Grandia III
  • Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
  • Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
  • Persona 3
  • Rogue Galaxy
  • Rule of Rose
  • Shadow Hearts: Covenant
  • Shadow Hearts: From The New World
  • Shining Force Neo
  • Silent Hill 3
  • Silent Hill 4: The Room
  • Soul Cradle [Jap]
  • Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
  • Suikoden IV
  • Suikoen V
  • Tales of the Abyss
  • Wild Arms Alter Code: F
  • Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

  • Ar tonelico II [?]
  • Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
  • Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
  • Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
  • Digimon World Data Squad
  • Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
  • Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
  • Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
  • Drakengard
  • Drakengard 2
  • Dual Hearts
  • Elvandia Story [?]
  • Ephemeral Fantasia
  • Eternal Ring
  • Evergrace
  • Forever Kingdom
  • Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
  • Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
  • Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
  • Growlanser Generations
  • Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
  • Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
  • Jade Cocoon 2
  • Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
  • Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
  • Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
  • MS Saga: A New Dawn
  • Musashi Samurai Legend
  • Odin Sphere
  • Okage: Shadow King
  • Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
  • Radiata Stories
  • RPG Maker 2 [?]
  • RPG Maker 3 [?]
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
  • Shining Force Exa
  • Shining Wind [?]
  • Shining Tears
  • Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
  • Steambot Chronicles
  • Summoner
  • Summoner 2
  • Tales of Destiny [?]
  • Tales of Destiny II [?]
  • Tales of Legendia
  • Tales of Rebirth [?]
  • Tales of Symphonia [?]
  • The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
  • Tsugunai: Atonement
  • Unlimited Saga
  • Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
  • Wild Arms 5 [?]
  • Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
  • Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
  • Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
  • .hack//Infection Part 1
  • .hack//Mutation Part 2
  • .hack//Outbreak Part 3
  • .hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

  • Grandia II
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
  • Legend of Legia II
  • Shadow Hearts
  • Silent Hill 2
  • Suikoden III

Trash Bin

  • 7 Sins
  • Urbz: Sims in The City
  • Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...


+ A r c h i v e s +

02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
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09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
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12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
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06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
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09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009


+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

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