Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Sunday, July 30, 2006

jem: Can we have 2 single scoops, orange shebert ice-cream?
waiter: no
jem: ??
jem: 2 single scoops of orange shebert ice-cream
waiter: no

-.-"

It wasn't the exact words, I believe, but that was how the conversation went. What a weird Swenson's waiter. Just one plain... "no". He then proceeded to mumble something about double-scoops being avaliable but not single scoops. No kidding, where's the logic in that? Anyway the supervisor took over from there and yeah... we got what we wanted. Tsk tsk. Swenson's should really train their stuff better. The boy was probably a noob, but what kinda response is that supposed to be? LoL, he should be thankful that it amused me more than it ticked me off or he can really expect a "love letter" from me c/o Swenson's HQ. Which reminds me... the BK guy I'm supposed to complain about frm weeks ago @ IMM branch. Never did get down to it coz of Phoenix's state.

Anyway, am at my parents' place now - which explains why I'm able to use the PC. Intended to spend the last nite on the PS2 but ended up stitching away instead. Guess I'm gonna be here for pretty much the rest of the day so will turn on the PS2 when I'm done with this. Am pretty tempted to play Grandia II instead of continuing with Dark Cloud 2. Left the weapon guide @ home. Heehee... plus I didn't get that much sleep, so I think a turn-based battle sequence will be less disastrous. Wait a min... I forgot how Grandia's like!

Well went to the optician after wrk yesterday and got another 2 pairs of trial lenses. Apparently the other one didn't fit too well on my eye. Am trying one rite now, and frankly itz a little annoying too. Am not too sure if itz due to a lack of sleep. Will keep it on for a week or so to determine its suitablity. What a hassle. If only SeeQuence wasn't discontinued. That brand of lenses fit me perfectly (with exception of periodical dryness). I wonder why at times, good things have to "go away". LoL well looking on things on the bright sight, at least it ain't me thatz going blind. Itz the problem with the lenses!

Shady self-destructed @ 13:14

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Went for an interivew for a part-time waitressing position @ TCC yesterday, upon Marcus's recommendation, and I was offered the job today! Thing now - am contemplating whether to take it up or otherwise. Sean has advised me not to. So did Ben (though most of his comments are nonsense to begin with). It pays $5.30/hr. A measly amount, if u ask me. But it will make a difference at the end of the mth when paycheck comes in. Min. working hrs, 3-4hrs per day, 3-4x per week. Doesn't sound too bad... but that wouldn't rake in much. Now I've gotta decide - whether sacrificing "me time" will be worthwhile.

Basically, if I take that job, I don't have to think about social life anymore. My socials is alredi down in the pits. I barely meet up with anyone. If I take a part-time on top of my full-time & twice a week tution, what am I left with? I'll never have sufficient time to cross stitch anymore. Hell... I won't even be sleeping enuff at the end of tha day. For example, I take Tues, Fri & Sat. That means I'll only have Thurs evenings and a full Sunday to rest -.-" Damn. If only I work 5 days a week. It'll be an easy decision then.

Reason that makes me want the job? Well... an additional $200-300/mth is gonna be good, even if I spend 1/3 of it on travelling and dinner. Plus, it'll be a good transitional job when I quit Spring Language School at the end of tha year! Yeah, itz pretty much decided. That the max I'm gonna hang on is till a year is up. After I quit, life will be unpredictable. I may go jobless for 2-3 mths or much longer. If I've got zlich income at that point of time, bad idea. Am thinking that I can put it more shifts at TCC after I quit my full-time, till I get another full-time. At least the $ I earn will cover the house contribution at the very least. As for daily expenses... etc, well, will just have to dig further into whatever savings I have left. The additional bucks a mth will of coz boost my savings a little by little.

Pros Vs Cons.

Am afraid of a burnout though. Suggestions?

Shady self-destructed @ 22:36

Monday, July 24, 2006

Tigger in his new home...

Boy, he does have a "wise" look on his face, doesn't he? LoL itz nice that he's not kept in the cage 24/7 (of coz I wouldn't know if he's out only for the photoshoot!) and that he has a free roam of the house most of tha time ^-^ Tigger must have felt as if he went to heaven or something. Afterall, he was chain to the sink in the service area when he was with me - thanks to Ben. Anyway those pics were taken 1 mth ago, according to Elaine. She'll be sending me updated ones when she gets it uploaded. Can't wait to see how fat he's become now. He really was waaaaay too scrawny back then.
Damn... those pics really brought back memories. I can't help wishing that Tigger's still around with me, and gotta keep telling myself that he's gone for his own good (especially now that there are 2 pesky little chihuahua's and one playful Kingston here). Anyway, am glad that Elaine didn't mind me asking about Tigger. Itz not that I don't trust her. I just wanna see how he's like right now. Coz once, not too long ago, he could have been mine.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:27

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Took the above pics of my tamagotchi a long time ago but nvr really got about uploading it. Anyway the only one that was activated was version 2, the purple one, and am now on my 2nd adult alredi!! LoL yeah itz amazing that something made in 1997 is still wrking almost a decade later - though I must admit that the lcd screen isn't perfect nw. Perhaps after this cycle I'll either activate V1 or the angelgotch.

Anyway well, the interview with SMRT proved to be a waste of time. Received a "rejection email" earlier this week. *shrugx* As expected. Normally potential employees who enquire about the job @ Matrix Vision will end up rejecting me. Gah! Should just heed jem's advice... to remove that position frm my resume altogether, since itz proving to be more harm than good. Work still hasn't improved and the annoyance against fat cow is increasing by the day (she's like a total bitch with perpetual PMS), but with a little luck & tons of determination, I should be able to last till 07 Nov at least.

Well, caught Basic Instinct 2 with blur on Thurs. It was worth the watch, despite it being paced rather slow. Perhaps I shall get my hands on Part 1 as well. Hmm Singapore's censorship seem to have become slightly slacker, as compared to the past, when it comes to nudity & sexual scenes. Of coz, the scenes were not totally pornographic... but they would definitely have been cut frm the big screen a couple of years ago. Sharon Stone's character in the film is admirable. Rich, successful and sexy. LoL yeah, she might be called a slut... but seriously she does wield a certain amount of power. Phew ~ not to mention, she may be a blond, but definitely not dumb. Her skill of manipulation is desirable.

Picked up a couple of DVDs frm JB on Wed - Cars, Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift, Superman & uhhh... I can't remember the last one off hand. Will definitely watch Cars by tonite. Bet itz as entertaining as I expect it to be!

House is filled with dogs rite now. Kuro, Chacha and now Kingston is back for a week! LoL itz really interesting to see all 3 dogs mingle together w/o much violence. Getting a tad inconvenient getting to the kitchen and the drool on the floor drives me mad at times... but heyz, itz all for the $!! Besides, itz fun pet-sitting. I'll get the chance to take care of different breeds of dogs =) What's next?

Oh yeah... contacted Elaine earlier today, and was relieved to hear that Tigger's doing well. I hope she'll email me pics of him soon ^-^ According to the vet she brought him too, Tigger still had his milk teeth and was only about 5 mths + when he left my place! If Elaine's claims were true, Tigger is now the size of a 1-year old cat, weighing at an interesting 4.5kg!! Think he should be comparable to Krazy... in fact, slightly larger coz of his long legs =) Tigger also completed his 1st 2 vaccination shots. Know what? It was the right thing to do... letting Tigger go. With me, he'll never have such luxury.

Must earn more!!

Shady self-destructed @ 23:12

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

WAD THE FUCK?

Now what?? NO SOUND? Aarrghhhh seriously whatz going on with my PC? Acting up now and then, and at fabulous times too!! Well... basically I'm home today - after a movie plan got cancelled. The parting of the Pacific Ocean & the materialisation of a phantom ship meant that I'm pretty much alone and can do whatever the hell I want. Intend to sit down to some episodes of Monster and realised - there is no sound coming frm the speakers. Thatz after rebooting the computer twice coz apparently Phoenix crashed during startup and I had to do a forceful reboot (ctrl+alt+del failed) -.-"

The speakers work fine. I'm not an idiot. I've checked the cables, the power and all... yeah, everythings okay to the eye. Am not too sure about my soundcard but my computer claims that the device is wrking perfectly. Ookie. Everything's connected, things are supposed to be wrking... so WHY NO SOUND?!

If only I had the $ to get a computer guy down *sigh*

Shady self-destructed @ 19:11

Friday, July 14, 2006

Humans. Where did we come from and what is our purpose on this planet?

*shrugx* The topic just sprang into my head outta nowhere - while I was taking a dump in the loo & further blackening my lungs with Texas 5 Menthol Ice. Perhaps itz the "environment" that promoted my train of thought or perhaps itz the activity... u know, u shit... u think of shitty questions that have no answers.

Right. Firstly, the purpose on this planet. Hmm... I saw this commercial on Animal Planet about this - mentioning that humans are the only ones with the power to protect all other species. True. Considering that we have access to technology and is seemingly the most "advanced" species in terms of evolution. Oh and it has been claimed that we are the only sentinent beings on the planet. But so what? Does that justify our existence? Bullshit if you ask me. I shall elaborate further.

Pls be reminded that if not for the existence of humans, other species wouldn't even "protection" in the 1st place! Humans are the root of all Evil. Hunting, merciless killing for self benefit & the destruction of the animal's natural habitat caused certain species to become endangered. Not to mention, some, like the dodo (the bird, not the fishball brand) are alredi extinct.

Extinction aside, humans are the cause of the misery for countless animals. What have humans done? Raised animals in captivity for food and other "resources", enslaved animals ie. horses to do the "tough work" and domesticating animals as pets. There is some kinda "master" & "slave" hierarchy at play here.

LoL I'm a pet owner myself, but I've never ceased wondering - are my pets happy? Despite providing them with a safe environment, with an endless supply of food & water, a running wheel , occasional wood chews + the occasional attention... I just can't help thinking... would they rather have their freedom? Just put it this way - if u place me in the room with a computer & Internet access and all the cross stitch materials I need and provide me with food & water... I might still go crazy being cooped up day in and out. Sure, I can take that kinda lifestyle for a couple of weeks, perhaps even mths (I am a social hermit afterall)... but I don't think itz possible that I'll be satisfied forever.

Then there's always this debate about human nature. Are humans naturally evil or good? LoL looking at how ppl are always fucking up the lives of others - I daresay that humans aren't certainly good! Hmm perhaps evil is too strong a word to use here. Self-centered should be more appropriate. Self benefit to the extent of hurting our own kind. On the large scale... just look at the wars and terrorist attacks worldwide. On the smaller but everyday scale... just take a look @ office politics.

Lousy behaviour aside. Let's take a look at the claim that we have the power to protect all the other species of the planet. Do we, really? As the recent disasters proved, humans are certainly no match for Mother Nature. One muthafucking tsunami and thatz it. Humans die. Granted that we do bounce back eventually... but it pretty much proves the fragility of mankind, doesn't it? Imagine what happens when the polar ice caps really start melting... or what happens if the ozone layer just ceases to protect us frm the Sun's UV rays... hmm and how are humans gonna handle a continent-sized metorite collision? Oh, if u look at sci-fi movies, there's always technology to combat the "problems" - but u sure thatz possible? Just look at where mankind has gone. The moon. Period. LoL

The origin of humans? kk am pretty sian of typing so I shall leave the topic for another day when inspiration strikes.

Shady self-destructed @ 18:21

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Fat cow's on MC since yesterday - cheers! Hopefully she'll continue to absent herself for the rest of the week... at least I'll get a little peace, especially now that Mdm Ji is back frm China. Of coz, itz always prefered tat fatty resigns for good. Damn the company - paying 2.5k for such a piece of lard. They should just give me her portion of the paycheck instead! To think that someone who's doing much less work is getting significantly paid more than u? Yesterday was great though. Alone in the office after the Principal hath left. Time passed so quickly with me half-doing personal stuff online (ie. MSN, ebay, emailing) ^-^ Hopefully a simillar opportunity will present itself in future.

Hmm... anyway Ben's been acting weird lately. Yet another sign of him having a mistress out there (though frankly, I don't really care much abt this issue now). As everyone knows, he's never one to who is concerned about physical appearance. Since the arrival of the car, things have taken a 180 degree turn. Firstly, it was the haircut & facial last Sun. Funny that someone who isn't bothered to even use facial foam to wash his face would suddenly wanna go for a dermatology treatment. He looked pleased as punch after it, and was even tempted to sign up for further treatments! The only thing that stopped him frm doing so was the lack of funds. It costs $2600 for another 30 sessions! Psycho.

Well, besides that, since Mon, he's been dressing up for work - though I don't really understand y considering that he's wrking as a boarding officer. Long sleeved shirt, pants, leather shoes & a tie. Plus he's been waxing his hair, spraying on cologne and shaving! Itz like... wad the hell? Since when did he ever bother doing that? Not even when we were in the "dating stage" did he go to such extremes.

Now, tell me that he isn't seeing someone else.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:43

Monday, July 10, 2006

I finally got a haircut. At Holiday Plaza, JB. I daresay itz pretty decent, with exception of the extremely short fringe that makes me a tad geeky. LoL rates wise? Well... I'll never get the same rate in Singapore, that's for sure. Haircut + wash + dye = RM130 which roughly converts to about S$59. Even neighbourhood salons in Singapore (that I really hate to go) will charge me at least S$55 for only the hairdye and probably another S$12 for the haircut. A session @ Reds or Kimage will be about S$130-S$140. Phew ~ the hairdresser was great though! Like the cut she did on my hair... the back, that is. Now my head no longer looks like a ball of fuzz. It'll be perfect once the fringe grows back. Intend to return for a cut perhaps once every 3-4 mths. Gotta replan my budget!

Anyway my budget went to hell on Sunday. LoL not only coz of a haircut, Ben dragged me to a facial @ Zenith Orchard and it was like wahhhhhhhh $136.80 gone! Initially the only reason y I wanted to go is coz he claimed that it'll be only $38 coz of some FM93.3 promotion. When I went there, the consultant was introducing other services and Ben just went for it despite my objections. *sigh* The $136.80 is inclusive of his facial as well - he didn't have sufficient to pay for it. His haircut at JB came frm my Mastercard too. Itz the 1st time and the last that I gonna go for such silly facials - some dermatology session... not too sure if I spelt the word rite though. Would rather spend that amt on some cross-stitch kit or a full body massage instead! I don't see a difference in my face. Itz still ugly.

At least a massage will feel good.

Aargghhh that brings my bank balance to totally way below the $500 min. tat I intend to maintain. Damn. Gotta find someway to top that up soon b4 POSB does that $2 deduction. Thankfully my pay is coming in by the end of this week. The cash I have should last me till then, if I don't purchase any more ciggies. Time to temporarily quit smoking! Especially now that we are prohibited in so many places of the country. Stupid move, really. Smoke where? Stand in the midst of the road lah!

Oh yeah, anyway I picked up a few games yesterday as well. Grandia III, Suikoden IV, The Sims 2 (PS2) and Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life. Quite a game fest ehx? Considering that I alredi have too many RPGs on my wait list @ home. Definitely I wouldn't have time to play them all... but still, I simply got them.

The damned Harvest Moon game came out half in black & white like the previous ones I bought. Screw it lah. Will just live with it. Tried playing it yesterday. Verdict? I still prefer the older series (ie. Save the Homeland, Back to Nature). In AWL, the gameplay is pretty uncomfortable - can't stand the speed, or rather - the lack of, the main character is running. Plus time doesn't go into a "pause" when I enter bulidings unlike the older versions. Oh... another thing, different seeds now need to be planted on different types of soil and cows don't produce milk all thru' adulthood. Gotta get the females pregnant 1st with either a miracle potion or a bull. Plus there are different varities of cows -.-"

*sigh* I'm so broke. Really. Hopefully Marcus will get back to me ASAP about the part-time job at TCC that he spoke to me about last week. Am keeping my fingers crossed that they are still in need of staff and has a flexible enough schedule to hire me. The pay isn't too wonderful. $5.30/hr but still, itz betta than $0. That'll probably be equivalent to an additional of approximately $200/mth if I wrk evenings 3x a week. Extra spending $ is always welcome, isn't it? XD

Anyway, if my personal finances are considered "bad", the home account is worse. Ben defaulted payment on this mth's contribution - coz he's flat broke after sending the car for repairs and after paying this mth's installments. As expected. Well, he claimed that he'll make up for the amount by the end of this mth with his July salary & the downpayment he'll receive for his Fireblade. I seriously hope that he can take betta care of his $. At the rate he's going, he'll never have any savings!

Work-wise, that fat cow has shown her true colors earlier today. Due to her own incapability, she got stressed up and actually had the fucking nerve to snap at me in the monring! Howz that for a "wake-up" call? Obviously... rage set in and my sleepiness just faded away LoL. I dun care if itz due to PMS or whatever shit, that kinda behaviour will NOT be tolerated. I've got a good mind to just walk away, take another MC and leave her to handle whatever mess she had created. Of coz I stayed for the sake of $. Gosh, it doesn't quell the resentment I feel inside me rite now though. She'd betta watch it. Not that I'm gonna backstab her or anything - can't be bothered to make such a move - but I'm no longer gonna offer her any help with matters than have nth to do with me! She can go ahead, formulate her own pile of crap and wallow in it like the swine she is. Hopefully boss will lose his patience and tell her off sooner or later, and hopefully she'll quit like everyone else.

This is one colleague that is totally C.M.I.

Why do I keep getting morons working with me? Gayboy and now fat cow? Goodness. It must have something to do with the environment and measly amount the company's offering that attracts such dweebs. *sigh* How I wish that the younger Vanessa had stayed on. Now I gotta put up with this dumb lump of lard -.-"

Shady self-destructed @ 16:38

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Once again I didn't turn up for work. I had intended to. I've alredi woken up but was feeling so lazy. The decider was the rain. It started to rain real heavy... I called my dad, told him to call the boss... and yeah guess I'm staying in. Told him to inform the boss that I won't be going for the rest of this week. Hmm... this mth's pay gonna be real shitty - that is if I'll be getting a pay for this mth in the 1st place!! LoL I've got this feeling that the boss is gonna terminate me when they find someone better. Dunno if I should be happy or depressed about it... considering that I hate the place, hate the job BUT I need the $$. The bills won't gimme a break! Wonder if they're gonna pay me a mth's salary in lieu of the termination. I know itz a lousy decision that I've made - to stay home instead of getting my ass down to Bishan. Jobs are difficult to find these days - thatz what everyone's telling me, and that I should be thankful that I've got something. Seriously, should I be?

Was talking to Ben earlier on the fone - apparently he left the house w/o waking me (ain't too surprised anyway) - and telling him about my current situation. The probability of a termination... which means a further income drought. He claims that he'll be able to feed me if I'm jobless for a period of time. *sigh* A brave statement. However, itz technically impossible. The car has been here since Mon, and alredi there are signs of trouble. Itz in the workshop rite now coz it failed to start yesterday. Had to call for a tow. Thatz really gonna cost him. Aargghh I wonder why am I still so concerned about him. Especially when I keep mentioning divorce. I know, I know, I'm just so full of contradictions and I shouldn't be letting things drag on. But eh, think I gotta worry about $ 1st before anything else. Yes, if u wanna know, deep down inside I'm still hoping that the r/s will work out.

Itz funny u know. When I wake up - I don't feel like going to work. But after lazing for a couple of hours at home, my motivation comes again. Know what? Think I might be going tomorrow afterall. Will see how things are when I wake up tomorrow morning I guess. Hopefully $ is a huge enough motivation. Life's always full of decisions to make. Itz gonna take tons of willpower to leave the house later... to da bao food for lunch. Think I've consumed enuff instant mee these few days to last my entire life! LoL then I'm gonna drag myself down to TPY to meet the guys for dinner & game planning. Shit. On hindsight. I should have turned up for work. At least I wouldn't have to do that much "travelling". Itz a pain when you're living @ Bt. Panjang. Everywhere is far. And ppl wouldn't wanna come down to this part of the island so it'll always be me who moves.

Kk. Decision time.

I'll take a break for today - have a good "rest" doing things that I wanna do - and go to work tomorrow NO MATTER WHAT! If I don't get fired during this period of time, I'll stay on the job till at least 1 year of my contract is fulfilled. Afterwhich I'll resume my job searching & leave only when a better opportunity comes along. In the meantime, I'll not take any further MCs or unpaid leave unless necessary.

Right. Now itz made black & white. Only time will tell whether I'll have the willpower to stick on or otherwise. Tomorrow will be a real bz day @ wrk coz there are materials to prepare and a pile of stuff waiting for me (that is if I'm still required to go to work). *sigh* Will attempt one task at a time I suppose.

Shady self-destructed @ 08:44

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

More episodes of .hack://Roots devoured. Itz a shame that the PS2 game ain't that cool - gave up trying to complete part I a long time ago. Tsk tsk makes me feel all so motivated to hunt down an mmorpg for my gaming needs. But I shall resist that temptation - coz it'll mean countless of sleepless nights, hours and reading forums & guides, and not to mention the task of character creation. Yeah yeah you can say that gaming is all about fun. The motive of gaming is just to relax and enjoy, but who wants to have a lousy character? Tsk tsk I'm still tempted to attempt Ultima Online or Everquest manx. Been thinking of those games since years ago! But itz p2p, so...

Anyway, speaking of gaming, I'll be meeting up with 2 of my D&D buddies tomorrow - coz I need to borrow the PHB for character creation. Will be taking our campagins online instead, with this guy, Stuff, frm Sweeden as the DM. I've got the main concept of my character formulated in my mind. Now all I need are the allocation of sp + choosingmy feats. Will probably go with weapon finesse. Hmm will discussing it with the folks tml, whether I should raise a dual-class instead. Am pretty tempted to go with a ranger-rogue or ranger-fighter. No spellcasters!

Name: Sylvan Nightwind
Race: Half-Elf (elven mother, human father)
Class: Ranger
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Gender: Male
Age: 28 years old
Height: 5' 6"
Weight: 105 lb.
Eyes: hazel
Hair: brown with blonde streaks, medium length tied back
Additonals : tribal tattoos on back, torso & arms

Attributes:

Strength: 10 (0)
Dexterity: 19 (+4)
Intelligence: 10 (0)
Wisdom: 12 (+1)
Charisma: 15 (+2)

The attribute gave me a headache back there. LoL all stats starting from 8, and was given another 25 pts to work with. On one hand, I would want a "stupid" character with low int. On the other hand, I wouldn't wanna sacrifice Charisma pts either. Eventually I stuck with someone more better-looking than smart. Hahaha had to toss a coin for alignment. Was considering whether to go for Chaotic Neutral - one that probably reflects myself irl, or to go for Chaotic Good - one that I've never attempted to play. Chose the latter. Hmm thatz only one character. Stuff was telling me over MSN the other time that he has 2 campaigns and am wondering which one to start. I suggested that we play both concurrently. Apparently the suggestion was well received and taken up.

Ah well... will discuss that with the guys tml, and to save meeting up time, will probably do the other character on the spot as well.

Damn. Will have to leave for tution in another 1/2hr's time. Time consuming task. Wonder what am I gonna do for the lesson today. Hmm... news paper reading? But I've yet to purchase a new paper or anything - considering that I didn't leave the house at all. Instead, took a 4-hr nap earlier. Gah! Itz back to wrk again tml. I foresee a pile of work left for me as well as a huge mess to clear - thanks to Vanessa.

Ah well, to look things frm a more optimistic point of view... the max I'm gonna stay there for is a year. That'll be another 4 full mths + a couple of days. Will see if I can raise the 1k by then. In the meantime, should really get my ass off the chair and hunt for a suitable part-time evening job. Kk... am off to sort my threads.

PS. Yes, am feeling much better now. A million thanks to those who bothered to call or SMS. Though I didn't speak much, it does help that I know that there are still ppl who care. I'll never forget this. ^-^

Shady self-destructed @ 18:48

Itz my 3rd day on MC. *yawn* Am feeling slightly drowsy. Think itz due to the cough mixture. I have yet to eat breakfast and am still contemplating on what to ingest for lunch. A friend did ask me out for lunch. I so nearly agreed - but on 2nd thoughts, think I'd rather not. Am too woozy to wanna have any kinda conversation with anybody. Oh yeah, I"m sure... a sushi buffet will wake me, but do I wanna step outta the house? LoL think not. Hmm a little sunshine may do me good though. Aarrgghhhh the temptation is here again - sushi... sushi... suuuusssshhiiiiiii!!! Hahaha. I wouldn't be able to eat much anyway, in this condition so yeah, would be best that I kick all food thoughts outta my head. I'll just go open a can of soup later to fill my tummy a little.

Yeah once again, it seems as if I closed the door to my life.

Hell... I'm SICK ookie! Damn the doc. He claimed that the meds wouldn't make me sleepy. So why am I feeling kinda woozy rite now? Was totally knocked out last nite. I can't imagine how itz gonna be when I finally go to work tomorrow. Jeez, think itz sooner or later that I tell that stupid Vanessa off. No idea what the fuck is her problem but she seems to enjoy calling my mobile to ask insignificant questions (ie. where is this put, where is that put). C'mon lah. Those aren't even important items. Besides, the mainland shit is there. Can't she possibly ask him? The phone rings when I'm in the toilet, the phone rings while I'm gaming on the PS2, the phone rings while I'm burning CDs, the phone rings when I'm snoozing, the phone rings when I'm talking to the doc. Wad the fuck is that?

Oh. I reactivated my tamagotchi yesterday noon. Mum bought the batteries for me. Phew, I never knew that one fucking tiny 1.5v LR44 battery will cost $5!! The tamagotchi needs 2. I told my mum to purchase 4 coz initially I wanted to raise 2 at a time. Mum told me that the shop claims that itz compulsory to purchase the batts in a batch of 6. *sigh* Why didn't she call me b4 making the damned purchase? I would have told her not to do it! Just like that, $30 goes into the pocket of the greedy shopkeeper. Seriously what logic is this manx? Gotta buy at least 6 batteries? C'mon. Itz not as if itz kept in a fucking box and that it ain't able to be sold seperately! What happened to business ethics?

The world just seems such a horrible place. Pah!

Shady self-destructed @ 11:37

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

I am losing it.

I just yelled at one of the only few people who I daresay are geniunely concerned about me in this fucked up world. My mum. I am regretting what I've done but somehow pride prevents me from apologising in any way. I am such an asshole. I'm ill. No kidding. Having a bad throat, a blocked nose and mental imbalance. Mum offered to come down to accompany me to the doc and I yelled at her, telling her not to. I relented eventually - after she pushed a little. *sigh* This is the determination only a mother could have... to stick on, to see things thru' even when it hurts. I know I must have hurt her somehow. But what I can I do? Can I possibly retract every mean word that I've said?

Seriously, why the fuck am I doing this? Why the hell am I shutting every single person outta my life? Is it becoz deep down inside I've alredi determined that I don't deserve any ounce of concern given to me? Or iz it becoz I no longer believe in the goodness of a human heart? Do I really hate myself that much? Maybe somehow... I've broken down a long time ago. So badly that I'm now starting to enjoy the pain.

I keep telling myself that I shouldn't be doing mean things to anyone. But there I was, snapping at my mum thru' the phone. A mean act, nonetheless. I am really really grateful to her for not giving up to me. I know I've been causing her tons of worry and heartache. Dad too. Dad keeps telling me that I gotta be strong. That no matter what happens, they'll be there for me. Is that really a good thing? Will I ever grow up and be independent if I keep relying on them to be around for me? Is it truly okay? To lower my defences down once in a while... to admit that I actually do need another human in my life?

Hell. Fuck. NO!!

Once someone sees that you're weak, thatz it. You're a goner! You bloody fucking idiot! Emotion is a weakness. A weakness that other exploit for their own reasons, however the illogical. LoL now itz denial. Denial is a tool that most ppl ultilise to prevent further hurt. Hmm... itz funny, u know? That I know what my problem is but somehow am unable to rectify anything? That I'm kinda doomed to view my life from a 3rd person's point of view and am totally helpless. LoL yeah, I've been trying to be my own shrink, my own counsellor all along. The amazing things that happen in my brain.

Ever since I was a kid, I never felt secure somehow. I've been an outcast in school - coz basically due to my tempermant, my characteristics... I never did really belong. It was an all-girls school. What in the world would I have in common with them? Hence the walls of stone came up. Constructed layer by layer. Shielding myself from all probabilities of hurt. No longer that it was me who had a problem. Itz everyone else.

There was no door. No window either. Itz just Me. The walls were a double edged sword though. Despite guarding me from the things I deem as painful, it shut me in a place where no healing can be done. There is no light, no oxygen... no hope. Nothing. My wounds had been left to fester all this while and while believing that I was safe, I was actually comitting social and mental suicide. I was perpetually depressed, perpetually angry. Everything in the world is just so goddamned wrong.

Somehow my walls are starting to show signs of wear and tear. I guess it must have been the relationships I've faced in the past. Relationships are a kind of acid that eats away at the protective shields I've erected around me. Now I'm starting to doubt myself again. The only consolation is - this shit happens to everyone sooner or later. Everyone is insecure deep down inside, no matter how much they claim not to me. Oftenly, the person who declares that he/she is "in control" is just putting up a brave front. Inside their own walls, they are curled up in a fetal state... cowering, shivering, sobbing.

People like me have certain traits that are simillar. Itz always someone else's fault. Itz always the others that do not measure up. More often than not, such folks will have strong opinions on certain issues in life - commonly either religion, faith or relationships. Hmm... it might be becoz we are jealous. Jealous that how some people seem to be so happy with their other half... how some people seemingly have zlich problems in their lives. I'd like to remind myself more than anyone else... everything is just on the surface. Just coz u see a lovey dovey couple on the streets doesn't mean that there's nth wrong in their r/s. Just coz u see someone smiling all the time doesn't mean that the person doesn't hurt. Which brings me to a point - just coz someone claims that he/she thinks a certain way... doesn't mean that he/she really does deep down inside. There's hogwash all around.

There a certain people though, who think that they know everything. Perhaps I do fall in this category. Such people... have fallen during their journey of Life and never did recover from the injuries. They are critical, cynical and totally pessimistic. Of coz... there's always the argument that optimistic people are just self-deluded and totally foolish. LoL how do I know? Heyz, I think the same way too! Optimisim is just stupidity with another name. Wahahahaha ~ which brings yet another thought to the surface again.

Knowledge is power while ignorance is bliss.

Which will you choose?

Shady self-destructed @ 13:12

Monday, July 03, 2006

This must be how going insane feels like. It feels unbrearably lonely here. WIth no one but the computer to keep me company. It feels as if, nobody gives a shit about me. Well... maybe someone out there will listen to me rant if I would just pick up the phone. But itz 2am now. Who the fuck will still be awake except me? Considering that tml is a Monday - a work day. The thought of simply going bcak to work is sufficient to give me a mental breakdown. It doesn't help that I'm feeling this way rite now. I think it won't be too long before I lose my mind totally. Before whatever grip I have on reality simply snaps.

No, it ain't the alocohol talking. The burbon doesn't seem to even have any effect. I've been waiting for more than 1hr, for the warm fuzzy feeling to come so that I can drop off to sleep. It didn't. Do you know how it feels like? Crying in the middle of the night, and nobody hears u? Or rather, someone hears you, but doesn't give a shit. It ain't a surprise though. Considering that the bastard is the cause of my current mental state. I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold on much longer. When I lose my hold on reality, there is nothing that I wouldn't do. I'm afraid that it'll actually happen.

I know I am stronger than this. Perhaps, after a rest, a few hours of fitful sleep, I'll be fine in the morning - that I'll somehow have the energy to hang on once again. But how long will this last? I was so close to losing myself. Oh fuck it... I've alredi lost myself. The me who was in the past is no longer around. I look in the mirror and somehow the reflection seems so alien to me. I'm no longer th e person I used to be and I don't have the willpower to get her back. I don't even know where she'd gone to.

THe only thing I'm thankful for is that, I can type w/o looking at the keyboard nor the screen much. I can barely see. Ain't wearing my glasses now. Am typing based on feel so guess I'll get the shock of my life when I read this entry. I dun even know why I'm doing this. Perhaps itz my last attempt in crying out for help. Cries that probably, no one will answer. Even if someone does, it might be to late. I'll return to my denial state and pretend that nothing's going on. I can't even look into my own eyes anymore. I'm the cause of the way things are rite now. I am just too weak. Perhaps this is what I deserve.

Itz the survival of the fittest afterall.

You know what? Perhaps I should just die. If only I had the balls to do so. I would have taken a dive off the fucking window ledge. But hell now. I was starring out into space while smoking a ciggie, telling myself that life is still worth living. Who the fuck am I lying to? A life like mine? I'll be much much betta off dead.

Fuck it. I'm just totally sick and tired of it all.

Shady self-destructed @ 02:09

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Was just watching the 1st 2 episodes of .hack://roots while having a bowl of creamy mushroom soup + a ciggie afterwhich. Think I'll be watching epi 3 before I return to Dark Cloud 2. *grinx* Well the anime just brings back memories of the mmorpgs I used to play - Ragnarok Online, Fairyland, and yeah, the silly little Maple Story. There's one more that I played during beta but I kinda forgot the title. One that I played with DP and his roomate, FF. *shrugs* Anyway .hack is about "The World"... a supposedly mmorpg. The .hack PS2 game series are kinda different though - itz just an mmorpg simulation. LoL how am I supposed to explain this? Well... forgeddit ^-^

mmorpgs. I kinda miss the days that I've got hours to spare on those kinda games! Basically it transports a player into another "world" with other characters sitting in front of tha PC as well. Itz possible to meet memmbers frm another country and all. Guess the main draw of tha' game is guilds. Soloing is fine too - but levelling can be slow if u embark on something alone, plus it tends to get a little boring @ times.

Well... gaming aside, life has yet to improve. The interviews were gonners -.-" Plus another opportunity was blown off when I told the caller that I couldn't make it for an interview on Fri as I had to work. Hmmm anyway thatz for some customer svc position with SMRT. The woman who called me was one hell of a bitch. The good thing is, I wouldn't have to work with her or even see how she looks like. Jeez. Am starting to think that all office ladies are total sluts. Don't believe me? Just take a walk around Tanjong Pagar area during work days and look @ the ppl around you. Itz nt as if office males are that much better either!! There's something about that makeup and formal wear that tends to irk me. Oh, then again, it could have been the smile plastered on their faces. I can't imagine that I'm gonna grow up that way. Am 25 now. I should really be "their kind" alredi.

Now tell me that Life doesn't seem bleak.

Doesn't help that the new manager is being a pain in the ass. Imagine this scenario - a Master's Degree holder being unable to use a hole puncher properly... and later blames the hole puncher for being inaccurate? Kaox! I've been using the damn puncher for ages and never had such problems! I don't see why she doesn't manage to get the papers into alignment and ruin the course materials. *sigh* Not to mention, she's the kinda person who loves to act smart. If she ain't sure about something, she doesn't ask... and when she screws up, guess who has to clear her mess coz itz my "area of work" in the 1st place? Act-smart busybody. Wonder why is she that desperate to prove herself oso. Thinking that there's gonna be some promotion in store for her? C'mon lah... take a look @ the stupid company. The principal is the boss, are there any positions left to fill? Jeez.

Plus did I ever mention that I don't really like fat people? LoL fat people that are way clumsy that is! The office is alredi squashingly tiny - space is limited. Is there something wrong with her bloody eyes or does she not realise she's that fat? Trying to squeeze past me and all. Itz damn gross when the fat butt brushes past ookie! The only thankful thing is that - she doesn't stink. Not the typical "fat sweat" smell, that is. Her perfume can be kinda overbearing to my sensitive nose at time.

Maybe itz true afterall. The more highly educated on paper a person is, the more retarded the person is when it comes to simple stuff.

LoL I do seem to hate everyone, don't I?

Shady self-destructed @ 11:57

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

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