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Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else


I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free


Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel


Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone


No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try


Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye


Fade to Black - Metallica




Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life


Saturday, April 29, 2006


I just watched the Wrestlemania 22's hardcore match between Mick Foley & Edge. Reaction? WTF how much do those men get paid to go thru' all that pain? Uhhh well... they might be on localised anesthetic but still... there was barbwire, thumbtacks and even fire! Not the usual hardcore 'tools' of trashbins, trashbin lids, stop signs... etc. that the other guys use, I must say! Itz amazing that Foley is alive after all this while. This isn't the 1st hardcore hardcore match (yes, I typed the word twice) that he's been thru'. It always leaves him bleeding & all. Not to mention, Edge was a "pincushion". Can u imagine falling on hundreds (maybe thousands) of thumbtacks? Oh... and u aren't wearing a shirt so the damned things punctures ur skin & stay there?

And to think ppl label me insane when I pieced my eyebrow. Itz just ONE eyebrow piercing, whatz the big deal & whatz with the silly "does it hurt" questions? Ah well... considering that the wound hath alredi healed... am gonna just answer that dumbass question - applies to piercings on any other part of the body and tattoos. Yes, goddamit. It does hurt, u moron! How can a needle poking thru' flesh not hurt? And no. There was NO anesthetic given prior to the piercing or tattoo. Seriously... wad the hell are ppl thinking when they ask those stuff? -.-" my dad inclusive. And he had the cheek to go poke my eyebrow when itz obviously swollen. Real 'smart' dude ehx?

Shady self-destructed @ 22:49


Plans were nt put into action. I was intending to meet pero in town (initially tot I wanna go down Turf City - then I changed my mind coz itz really outta the way), to get the phone then watch Man Utd vs Chelsea. The rain ruined everything. Initially I thought it'll rain for a long time. But no. Apparently it has stopped now. But am at home. So itz pretty much too late to do anything else *sigh*. Guess itz instant mee for dinner again tonite. A particular piece of crap ain't at home again. Claimed that he has some last minute ship to attend to. Again. Not bad ehx? Just get progress package and alredi he's going out with the mistress or visiting a prostitute. OR perhaps he went to meet his dog pig friends for majong, ktv or some other indecent shite. Pah! Simply the thought of him makes my blood boil.

I'll probably end up doing tons of shopping tml. Items list: cross stitch threads for Forever Friends bear, Nokia 6111, backpack, cross stitch magazine subscriptions & The Sims 2 Open for Business. I wonder if I'll have the willpower to get them all. Wish me luck.

Now... off to watch my 1st soccer match in... hmm.. .half a year? Not too sure if itz really been that long ago, but it does feel like half a year. LoL more stitching to do tonite. Or perhaps I'll watch Wrestlemania instead??

Shady self-destructed @ 19:31


The Progress Package is in - found that out when I went to update my personal bankbook yesterday. Spoke to Ben about $ and he proposed that each of us take $500 out from the amount, and return it to our parents as partial repayment of the reno loan. Okay. Sounds fair. Am just wondering if he'll keep his word & hand his share of $500 to his parents instead of stashing it somewhere for his personal expenses. Anyway, I know where the remaining $300 of mine is gonna end up - mag subscription & a new handphone ^-^ If there's still anything left after it all... a new backpack will be great! And The Sims 2: Open for Business.

Bo bian, The Sims 2, if wanna play, must purchase. Tried surfing online auctions and all, for a better deal. But no luck. The cheap ones, are CD versions - either that, or worse, pirated versions (home burned - duh). The original versions, are priced simillar or higher than those at the stores. *shakes head* Of coz I would love to get the other 'items' add-ons but I think I can do without those. Wouldn't wanna spend the extra moolah. Borrow frm someone who plays TS2 as well, u say? Hmm. At this point of time, don't know many ppl who do. And those who do, aren't keen in lending me their discs for installation. So there. Now u know what I mean when I mentioned in a previous post that itz always better to count on urself at the end of the day - coz most friends are just "friends" in name. When u need their help, u gotta put up with thousands of rejection excuses (ie. the discs are cheap lah, no time to meet lah.. etc.) but when they need your help, they bug u like there's no tomorrow -.-" At times, really, a simple no would suffice.

Handphone, handphone. Think I'll probably end up with a Nokia - though Samsung has pretty decent models at $0 should I sign up with a 2-yr plan. Hmm... for Nokia, itz basically the 6111 vs 3250 (coz of the mp3 player... but then again, how often will I be using that?). The difference between to 2 is about $50. Functions wise, I should say that the 3250 is more appealing. But size wise, definitely the smaller the better, which means the 6111. Itz the cheaper model too. Ack there are just way too many factors to consider. Ah well, I'll save that decision for later. Would probably be going to take a look @ handphones after wrk and if everything's fine, with a flip of a coin I'll go home with a new phone ^-^

Ah well... anyway the latest hype should be about the General Elections ehx? LoL I'm more interested in who would win Germany 2006 as compared to who would win GE2006. Hmm... I wonder which GRC would I be voting under though. If itz Bt. Panjang, it would be PAP vs SDP. If itz Jalan Besar, PAP vs SDA. Gah! PAP is everywhere! Found a junk flyer frm them last nite at the door, and the photograph of this candidate (dunno his name) is placed on the lamposts all over BP. Not to mention, the logo is everywhere and there are flags... etc. Hmm seriously, have they ever heard of overkill? I'm just so sick & tired of seeing their logo everywhere I go. They should really just loosen up. LoL anyway the opposition. SDP who? Ehh seriously I have no idea about the quality of both candidates. I'm just gonna cast my vote towards the opposition. *nod nod* You've got it.

I'm going for the opposition not becoz I'm anti-PAP. I'm going for the opposition just becoz it would be nice to see a change. Well... everyone is saying that the PAP has been doing well so far - frankly, I have zlich idea coz I was never interested in politics. Is the opposition good? I dunno. But even if the PAP is as good as what ppl say, I would still go for a change. Why? Simple. Competition is needed to have a healthy government. Should the PAP lose this time, it'll definitely motivate them to work harder the nxt time. And just coz the PAP is good, doesn't mean that we should just remain in the comfort zone. For all u know, the opposition may be better... itz just that they haven't had a real chance to prove themselves yet. Anyway, I am aware that a single vote probably doesn't count much... and I'm nt asking anyone to travel on the same train of thought as I'm going. I'm just saying that... should the opposition win, and they screw up. Heh, I know who I'm gonna vote for the nxt time. But for now, my mind is pretty much made up =)

LoL this pretty much places me in the category of ABU supporters. Anything but Man Utd - in case u dunno wth that means. During Man Utd's peak, I know many ppl who will support the teams that face Man Utd. Not coz they like the teams. Hell, it might even be Man City for gwad's sake or some 2nd division fry. But they are just hoping for an upset - that Man Utd will crash & burn so that they can resume their "MUFC sucks" chants. Hahaha I guess so, perhaps I'm becoming one with that kinda mindset. However, I'm sure that football and politics are 2 different matters. Ppl vote for the opposition in politics coz they would like to see a change, and there is hope that things may become better. ppl root for the opposite team in soccer, just becoz. See the difference now?

Ookie. I've wasted 3 paragraphs on politics. Tatz enough.

Damn, I wonder if the $50 would be refunded by that husky seller. According to Ben, the guy is unwilling to refund the amount & giving tons of reasons for it. One reason being, many ppl came to see the pup after we did and were interested in the black one - but when we backed out and he contacted those ppl again, the ppl no longer want the dog. Interesting. Tell me, if his pups were that popular, why were his ads posted repeatedly on eFair? Doesn't that simply illustrate a lack of interest? Ah well... anyway there is no proof in the 1st place, stating that we paid the $50 to him. So if we were to lodge a complaint or make a police report, I'm not too sure if anything can really be done coz it'll be word against word. See lah, the stupidity of Ben. Then again, I wouldn't say for sure, knowing Ben. For all u know, he would alredi have obtained the refund & blew it on a hotel room with his mistress XD

Ahhhh Mon is a PH. Am looking forward to sleeping in.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:25

Thursday, April 27, 2006


Can someone pls tell me what exactly is the hype about blogging? Just read this article in TNP, about celebrities who blog going under fire from the netizens. Thatz one of the many blog-related articles that I've read, btw - in magazines, newspapers... etc. Not to mention the earlier issue about local bloggers being jailed for racist remarks (duh). Hmm... yeah they are celebs. But so what? They are human and they have their right to take a stand on certain matters. Humans think. Don't they? The thingy I don't understand is, why make such a big fuss over another person's train of thoughts and comments. Do those flamers really have nothing betta to do in their boring everyday lives or are they attention seekers simply wishing to 'speak up'? LoL yeah I note that this is a slight contradictory statement [note my blog title btw, if you haven't noticed it b4]... coz frankly, I have no business commenting about their actions either! Wahahahah ~

But seriously. What the fuck does another person think gotta do with YOU? I don't read blogs and post nasty comments just coz I disagree with the writer's stand - unless the writer is really going overboard and posting personal attacks. The most I would do is leave a comment thatz open for discussion, instead of simply saying - YOU ARE WRONG, AND YOU SUCK COZ U DON'T SEE THINGS THE WAY I DO. Thatz just, lame. Anyway... if u really dislike what u read, why don't u get ur cyberass outta that site and never visit it again? Thatz what I most oftenly do btw. If I read something I don't like, I just leave for good. Heh heh, u can say that I subcribe to the notion - if something pisses me off, just avoid it. Hell, no one is pointing a gun to ur head and telling you, "read this or die", or is there?

Ack ack... sooner or later I'm gonna get into trouble with ppl for posting the stuff I do. Hmm... u think I care? Hahahaha eh I didn't turn off the comments function on purpse k! I just haven't found a way to incorporate it into this blogskin & I really don't wish to spend time and brain cells doing it. Not that my blog is really popular to attract considerable attention. But I'm more than aware that some of the stuff I write will probably touch a raw nerve somewhere. *scratches head* Whatever, nvm. If u dun like it, just get the fuck outta here. LoL

*mumbles* Apparently the special offer Q&E CrossStitch is nt applicable to subscribers in Singapore. Guess I'll have to do it via the magazines webby instead. Damn. My dad is asking me to get BOTH mags & that he'll pay for one of it. Aaaahhhhhh can he stop tempting me? The thought is really appealing coz I would definitely love both mags, but I won't be able to afford them together - itz either all, if I wanna fork out dough frm my own little torn pocket. Should I? Should I not? Shit. Can someone just get the subscription to either mag for me as a gift so I wouldn't have to make such decisions? Please? :P Hahaha, but ah well, I'll work something out with my dad. I'm proposing that he makes the lump sum payment with his credit card, and divide the converted amount by 13 issues. Everytime I go to take an issue frm him, I'll pay the $ for it in cash. Or perhaps I should just further dig into my savings to pay them in full. Hmmm another 3 days left for me to decide.

Heehee of coz, a way to soothe my conscience a little is to stitch a couple of gifts for my family now and then ^-^ Am saving up to purchase a Guan Yin kit for them actually (the one I was doing for Nor the other time but only managed to complete like 1/4 of it). That'll set me back around $60 or so. Hmmm I won't get it now of coz... this mth's goal is The Sims 2 Open for Business, remember? Perhaps that'll be my "luxury item" for May. *nod nod* The only question is, after I get the kit - then what? Itz one huge complex project and I might not be able to do it even within the year -.-" Yes I admit, I'm slow and I allow myself to be distracted easily. Plus there are still the kits undone for the home. *mumbles* May, June, July, August. 4 mths. Am hoping to be able to complete the Forever Friends stitch for my bro by his bday though - he's been giving me stuff for the past couple of years [weird printouts that he did on his PC] but I nvr bought him anything except a Snickers chocolate bar ever. Gah!!!

See. So many things to do, so little time (or rather, lousy time management). I didn't even turn on the PS2 yesterday.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:33

Wednesday, April 26, 2006



Tadah!! Itz done ^-^ I know the pic looks lousy, but thatz really the best my digicam can do. Anyway, itz the card that matters, not the pic of the card! LoL I hope my mum will like it. Am contemplating whether to do it via post or just hand it to her in person when I drop by on Sun. She's alredi taken home the orange stuffed toy (Moriji? frm action city) with her last weekend when she & dad came over to visit.

I've been browsing thru' cross stitch magazines subscriptions online earlier and well... am feeling pretty torn between 2 mags. The difference is just slight more than S$1/mth after calculation. My dad offered to use his credit card for the purchase - he said that itz gonna be a gift to me. But I dun think I want that. My parents have given me too many "gifts" alredi & I don't really want them to spend much more on me. They should really use the $ themselves to enjoy their golden years. Blow some on items that they would like (ie. a plasma TV... or an overseas trip for just the both of them LoL). I just wonder why are they so stingy when it comes on spending on themselves but they have no qualms spending hundreds on me and my bro! Just look, they bought my bro's computer for him - thatz like almost 3k back then!! And my mum used to pay for my $150 (and above) haircut... not to mention, she'll buy shoes and all for me even though I didn't ask her to!! My choice of shoes quite standard lah. Size 4, converse high cut. Just no pink, no yellow, no baby blue, no brown, no purple... etc. LoL

Anyway - itz Quick & Easy Cross Stitch Vs Cross Stitcher. I like Q&E coz of the essentials each mth... the decorated alphabets, small projects... etc. But Cross Stitcher comes with more complex [and beautiful] charts that are not all about cutesy stuff. Stuff that I wouldn't mind decorating my home with. Those cutsey stuff... I'll just make them as gifts. Ack, can't stand to see too many of those hanging in my room! Both magazines come with a decent no. of card charts. Hmmm speaking of charts, I wonder if itz possible to turn a picture of my cat into a cross stitch design - no... not as a gift to Krazy who would shred it into a zillion pieces but as a keepsake for myself coz, as morbid as it sounds, Krazy wouldn't live forever [hell, I don't even know how old she is right now]. Would love something more than a couple of photographs to remember her by when she passes on. That is if she doesn't outlive me!!

*yawn* I'm feeling sleepy. Should I go back to Zzz rite now, or should I wait till I go get an MC from the doc 1st? I have no idea what illness should I fake this time. Am just mentally exhausted - but that doesn't warrant an MC, does it? The doc will probably just say I'm lazy. I wonder what the idiotic bosses are gonna say about this - as I've been taking MC like once/mth. Ah well... I intend to have a full attendance nxt mth though! Got enuff of my $ being deducted due to absences. Hmm the only reason y I'm willing to take leave today is coz, my dilligence award is already deducted (remember my FTT?) - might as well make it more worthwhile. Hmm I wonder if they would terminate me for this. LoL

Wahahah I just looked at my blog archives and saw the amusing screenshots taken during a GM event on ShazzRO. Those were the days manx. Gaming with DP and all. He's online rite now but we haven't been gaming together for quite sometime! Hmm... shucks, I didn't take the MSN addy of this assassin I met on Shazz either. Too bad - he could have been someone really cool to keep in contact with. LoL my then guild leader. I still remember taking over a Geffen castle with him during a War of Emperium session. It was just the 2 of us representing our guild (which consists of about 5 other members). Back then the both of us were like lvl 93-97. He a katar-sin, and me a double dagger sin. We walked into the castle, expecting to be mobbed my mvps and all - it was more of a suicide mission really, but heyz! The entire place was empty!! We made our way to the emperium room, started wacking the emperium and viola... the castle belonged to us. ahahahhahahHHAHAHAH

Eh, that was the past. It will no longer return. Hell, there are even advanced classes on RO rite now. Hmm come to think of it, I did instal another server's client not too long back & was playing on it till lvl 30+. No energy and determination to continue further liao lah. Everything has changed. Since when did Payon Dungeon lvl 2 have so many soldier skeletons? Goodness. So many games... so little time. Will I complete Suikoden III today? Nawww... think I'd rather sleep. oyasuminasai.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:34

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


Tsk tsk... wanna avoid me just say so - or betta still, don't come home lah!!~! Tell me what - will be going home 1st to put ur stuff... then going over to ur mum's place to help her fix something (wait a min... didn't u just go over yesterday for the same reason?) so will be back late... then tml got ship early in the morning. Bloody coward. Afraid of a confrontation that will never take place - simply coz there's really nthing more to "talk" about. Ah well... whatever. Yes, I still believe that he has a mistress out there. Like a certain life form told me over MSN last nite - the signs are all there... it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. The only question is... uhh what does the girl see in him? I mean, being a mistress, the dream of a happy ever after isn't existent. Ben isn't rich. Neither is he good-looking. He doesn't have a nice bod & uhh... he pretty much sucks in bed. Talk about erectile dysfunction - or rather, premature ejaculation LoL ^-^

Nahhhh I ain't afraid that he'll sue me for defamation. Defamation only comes into play when the malicious remarks made are untrue.

Ah well... I've got tution later. CCK today. *groan* At least the sky seem to have cleared a little. Right. Am outta here.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:52


Took yet another long LRT-MRT trip to work today. Cursed be to the weather - bloody heavy rain last evening prevented me from riding home (I wasn't exactly in the mood to get drenched). Hopefully that won't happen again today - but I'm not being too optimistic coz there are dark clouds forming in the sky as I type. Pah! It will definitely not rain during the nxt few hours but I have this feeling that itz gonna, when the time comes for me to knock-off. One of the many disadvantages of riding instead of driving. Hmm self-reminder - the next guy I gonna start any form of r/s with, he has to own a car & is willing to be my ah mat. LoL

But thankfully the ride wasn't as bad as I initially expected. I brought my cross-stitch kit along, and I got a seat since I boarded at CCK. So I was pretty much stitching away. The hour did feel like just a couple of minutes ^-^

Arrogance. I just wonder how some ppl in the world are brought up by their parents. The damned School placed an ad in the papers today - seeking foreign language teachers. Just received this phone from this rude woman awhile ago who claims that she's interested to teach. Of course, I didn't take down her no. Didn't anyone fucking teach her that when u enquire about a job opening... u gotta be polite? Also, itz not up to HER to do the questioning, itz up to US to do that. Plus, cut those remarks about me using a speaker phone. The only reason why there's an audible echo is coz her handphone probably sucks big time! Dumbass. She should just trip on her own foot & break her toe.

Obviously I ain't in a good mood. I seem to be surrounded by morons. Oh yes, Mr. Sissy Gabriel is being uber irritating today (not that he isn't on other days). I am starting to wonder that there's much more to him than meets the eye. Itz either he's damn ignorant, or he's damn insensitive. I ain't feeling too great over the Ben issue, and I told Gabriel to let that topic rest. A couple of hours later, he apologised and told me not to think too much. WAD THE FUCK? I've pushed that matter to the back of my brain and u gotta bring it up again, just to tell me not to think too much? My goodness. Whatz with humans these days? Anyway I should start being wary about him. He might be a two-headed snake for all I know - considering he's like best pals with the Principal... going for lunch together and all.

TRUST NO ONE.

Oh... and FUCK THE WORLD.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:53

Sunday, April 23, 2006



I finally managed to watch "Sliding Doors". Itz a wonderful movie - itz yet another example of the butterfly effect. How something tiny & insignificant and have a huge impact. In this case, 2 totally different routes in life. One ended in heartbreak, but with hope... the other, it could have been a happy ever after... with exception of a twist of fate in the end. It just brings back the thoughts of "what ifs". No doubt, the movie did have a hint of Fate at play - that u'll end up with someone no matter what path u take eventually... if you are destined to meet that someone in life. LoL dun wish to expend too many brain cells on that kinda thought today.

--------------------

Itz been yet another horrible weekend. Ben didn't come home till ard 8+ in the morning. He went straight to bed w/o bothering to resolve issues & he left soon after he woke up. Once again claiming that he had to work. pero was telling me on MSN earlier, that I shouldn't bother getting angry with a person like him. Well... I know he's not worthy. But is anger something within control? I didn't sleep much since last nite - hell, I only have a couple of 2hr or so naps here and there in between. I really didn't sleep at all. I didn't turn up for tution either. I was simply not in the right frame of mind & I had a huge headache in the morning. Thankfully that cleared up after I filled my tummy with some cup noodles.

Had a great dinner earlier - I did it all by myself. Raw lettuce with thousand island sauce, deep friend chicken wings, pasta with prego's mushroom sauce (tomato based) and a bowl of campbell's corn & mushroom soup. I was never much of a cook. Frankly, neither was my mum. My mum's food is edible... but thatz about it. I mentioned to pero earlier that food may be the reason y I find it so difficult to leave Ben. He cooks pretty well - though not as often as I wished. But anyway, it doesn't matter anymore, does it? I've gotta learn to cook by my own & I've gotta somehow find the strength to be independent.

He brought up the idea of a seperation earlier. Via SMS - yes, that is the coward he is. Interestingly, he tried to make it seem as if it was my idea. Saying that since this is the way I want it, then so be it. LoL such a balless wanker, don't u think? He claimed that he never intended to play majong last nite - and he did so just to raise $ to pay a $100 fine that he got for parking @ a restricted area. Hmmm... o-k-a-y. I guess he was just trying to apologise in his own way, to sycho me to forgive him and all. But u know what? A single sorry could have sufficed. But since he refused to admit to his mistakes and all... I simply told him that knowing the extra fact wouldn't change anything. Am I being way too heartless?

Know what? If I am, good for me. Yeah... and that led him to bring up seperation. He ended his side of the conversation saying that frm that point onwards, we'll be going our seperate ways. I don't know whether to feel disappointed or relieved. In a certain sense, some part of me still refuses to believe that itz over. Well... I do need a sharp slap to the face rite now. It IS over. It has been over a very long time ago - just that I refused to face up to reality. I chose to hold on to fake happiness in the life I've built out of fantasy. I took the easy way out - I avoided everything that made me upset, I chose to turn a blind eye to things I didn't wanna see. The signs were there. Tons of ppl have tried telling me that, but I guess I was just too afraid to take a 3rd party's view of matters. I keep telling myself that this is all because of love. But know what? I think love has gone outta the window a very long time ago... I just didn't wanna admit that. I have been a bloody mug.

At times I really wish that Ben could be a complete asshole - so that all form of Hope will be taken away frm me. But at times, he could be really nice (for whatever reasons of his own), and I daresay, at certain times in the r/s, I was truely happy. Thinking back, of coz, there are more times that I was upset. Is it worth it then? To put up with those unhappy times for just a few moments of happiness? Considering that I'm in the denial phase, I don't think I can come out with an objective answer for that.

I'll be lying if I said this didn't hurt me. It goddamned well did hurt. It was even more painful than the cut I dealt to myself with a scissors last nite - that one was pathetic... really - being bitten by a rabbit is much worse. But I am unsure what I'm feeling rite now. Pissed off yes - at the noise thatz going on outside... I dunno what the fuck is going on but there's been loud music and all. I just hope that it stops soon. I would appreciate peace & silence at this time.

*sigh* I was telling pero earlier too - that after this, I'll never love again. The stakes for this gamble is too high & I wouldn't wish to get burnt. He responded saying that I would be missing out on things & that he would continue trying... coz he knows that he'll never be bankrupt. I just hope that Fate doesn't prove him wrong, and that he'll find someone deserving of him someday. I dare admit now, I used to like him in the past. That was just a long time ago. And I knew he liked me too. But neither of us acted on our feelings. I guess thatz a good thing. If not, we wouldn't have had the conversation we had yesterday night... all thru' till today. I can lose a bf, I can lose a husband... but I wouldn't wanna lose a friend that dear. There are not many ppl in my life whom I can label a 'friend' to begin with. I'm just thankful that Fate allowed me to meet him. Thankful not only coz of the chat we had. Thankful coz... I have him as a friend. I dunno what will happen in the future. Perhaps this friendship would be torn apart... but at least it'll leave beautiful memories. Not bitter ones.

Ehhhh can those shitheads creating the ruckus just DIE?

Well... whatever it is, I just hope I'll be able to sleep better tonite. Itz another long week ahead of me and many many more to come.

一路向北

後視鏡裏的世界 越來越遠的道別
你轉身向背 側臉還是很美
我用眼光去追 竟聽見你的淚

在車窗外面排徊 是我錯失的機會
你站的方位 跟我中間隔著淚
街景一直在後退 你的崩潰在窗外零碎

我一路向北 離開有你的季節
你說你好累 已無法再愛上誰
風在山路吹 過往的畫面全都是我不對
細數慚愧 我傷你幾回

我一路向北 離開有你的季節
方向盤周圍 回轉著我的後悔
我加速超越 卻甩不掉緊緊跟隨的傷悲
細數慚愧 我傷你幾回
停止狼狽 就讓錯純粹

Not reflective of my train of thought & I definitely don't feel this way... but the song is something I've had on repeat mode since last nite. Oh gawd I love Jay Chou :P

Shady self-destructed @ 20:47


I drank till I threw up after a slight alcohol induced slumber. I still feel like puking. Itz just sooner or later that I make another trip to worship the porcelain God. I know this doesn't change anything. It'll just make me miserable and not to mention, the damage it does to my kidneys & liver. But u know what? Such moments can be pretty liberating. The purging of toxins in my blood. I just wish I can regurgitate all that emotions running wild internally. Yeah... despite me claiming that I don't care, I still allowed myself to be affected. I know, I'm a loser. Brrrrr itz pretty cold rite now - guess itz one of the side effects of alcohol. My tolerance isn't as high as it used to be... after such a long time of abstience. Well... loads of things aren't how they used to be in the past. Perhaps this quote I read is pretty true - avoiding change doesn't recapture the past, it only lose the future. I know I am alone on this one. I just hope I can find the strength to pull thru'. Wish me luck. *shrugx* u'll probably not even recognise me at the end of it all... so I guess, this is farewell then.

Goodbye.

Shady self-destructed @ 06:50


One two, Freddy's coming for you
Three four, betta shut the door
Five six, grab your crucifix
Seven eight, gotta stay up late
Nine ten, never sleep again

Itz funny how someone who gave me nightmares when I was a child make me laugh as much as I did last nite. After almost 2 decades, I watched Nightmare on Elm Street again - on HBO. I never knew it was actually hilarious - especially towards the end, when the girl managed to pull poor little Freddy outta the dream & bashed him up pretty good. Oh manx, to think someone like him could actually make me cringe and cower in front of the tv set when I was a kid. And hell, he did give me a considerable amt of nightmares back then. Hmmm... heyz, I still DO mind meeting him in a dream ookie!!~! I'm sleep deprived, dun need any dreams... so that bugger betta STAY AWAY!! Or I'll really smack his ass to kingdom come :P

Come to think of it, what are dreams anyway? Ever had a dream that u can... well... control? That it feels as if u are participating in it? Those kinda dreams normally make me feel ultra exhausted the nxt day - as if I didn't sleep at all. *shakes head* And there are those recurring dreams. I think I've blogged abt this b4, but am not too sure. I've had this particular dream about a place, ever since I was a kid. I am sure I haven't seen that building ever in real life. But it does feel like home in the dream. I wonder if thatz my eventual resting place. Itz a beautiful building though =)

White. Victorian, yet new age. With glass pannels and escalators leading up to the higher floors. I just get this impression that itz a school of some kind. Doom School. Thatz the thought I've had since I was young. Not too far in the past, I dreamt of it again. This time I entered the courtyard of the building... and I had flashbacks (imagine flashbacks in a dream?) that the place was one destroyed by a fire - and there was someone running... trying to escape the flames. Perhaps the building is just a personification of my life. I was watching my own life crash & burn, with the person who was once me, running away & trying to escape it all. Was I eventually consumed by the flames, am not too sure. Some parts of the dream was vague. Further down memory lane, before that, dreams of the place were just roaming around the huge halls of the building - walking around aimlessly... or taking a drive past the huge structure (fuck, I dun even have a license for real!).

Boy would I love to go there for real.

*sigh* It might be the alcohol taking effect. I just had to take a drink. Screwdriver. As expected that fucknut went to play majong despite claiming that he won't. And he left me all alone again at home in the middle of the night. Question is - WHY AM I STILL HOLDING ON? WHY DOES THIS STILL AFFECT ME? WHY IS THIS PART OF ME STILL ALIVE? WHY CAN'T I JUST IGNORE EVERYTHING AND MOVE ON?

I just told pero. This part of me should die. The part of me that was strong, independent, without a care in the world, emotionless - that is the part of me that should be alive. Not this stupid little bimbo who is hanging on to a relationship that obviously doesn't work out. That strong part of me was never happy... but guess what, it was never upset as well. Lonely, but never hurt. I can't remember when the transition took place. From the Archangel to poor little Shady. From the one equipped with a will of steel to someone who is frequently hurt.

One question. Am I really that bad?

Do I really need to change my outlook and way of life so I can blend in with the normal crowd and perhaps get a guy to love me? Do I really have to be a typical girl?

OH FUCK IT. I DON'T NEED A GUY IN MY LIFE.

I SHOULD JUST FUCKING DIE.

u know, if I have a penknife with me right now. I would really be doing something that I haven't done for a really really long time. Almost a decade now. Pain reminds me that I'm still breathing, that I'm still alive... and blood just seems to heal everything. I wonder if a scissors will suffice. I wouldn't wanna use a fruit knife... I would cut too deep. Then again, u know, perhaps too deep is exactly what I need.

Such irony. Am currently playing Metallica's Unforgiven on repeat mode.

Hmm well... my scissors ain't sharp enuff to break skin and draw blood... hahaha... of coz I ain't gonna use it to CUT!! Wtf... imagine cutting my finger off? I am not that sadistic. And pls don't suggest a needle. Am petrified at the thought of a needle poking into my skin - such irony considering tat I have tattoos and a pierced tongue (plus navel & eyebrow sometime back) hahahaha... know what? I think I'm afraid of pain afterall... ahahah

Shady self-destructed @ 04:15

Saturday, April 22, 2006


Oops! My gerbils just gave birth to another 5 pups. Ben is alredi making plans to sell them to pet stores -.-" His mindset now is breeding pets & selling them. Exploitation of animals. Well... I've blogged about how I feel about such b*stards b4, ain't gonna do it again. The 2 remaining rabbits have been sold - $6 each. Frankly... is it worth giving up all morales & ethics for that little amount of money? He claims that he's gonna set the $12 aside... accumulate it so it'll be enuff to open a pet store. LOL that really cracks me up. Does he have any fucking idea how much capital itz gonna take to open a business of his own? Fucking moron.

Oh... and now he's claiming that he has to fetch his dad to wrk later, then then meet Zen's father to discuss about the sale of the bike - asking them to put a downpayment 1st. Bullshit. Zen hath been SMSing him to play majong the entire nite, and he's like responding in secret... facing the screen away frm me on purpose then chatting in hushed tones. Hah. He'll probably lose that $12 or blow it at some billard ctr later. Well... itz his $, I dun really care much. Zen oso dunno how to "zhi dong" - keeping asking Ben out. Ahhh well... if he's trying his best to ruin the r/s, I daresay that it won't work. Coz there's no r/s to ruin in the 1st place.

Am gonna just play my Sims for a little then head off to bed. Will leave the stitching to tml. *yawn* If only I am still living at Bugis. I'll probably "gatecrash" pero's home-clubbing one person party. LOL boy I do miss hanging out with my friends.

Shady self-destructed @ 22:10


Hmm... the puppy may not be coming over after all !! Cheers!! Hahah I dunno what went on thru' the teleconversation he had with this woman called Carole (who claims to be able to get a free husky for him), but last nite he SMSed the breedeer claiming that he'll be outstationed & asks for a refund of the $50. Hmm... I wonder if the refund will be given. Most likely, I believe it would - and that Ben would keep the matter for me & utilise the $ for his personal spendings. *nod nod* I believe that someone of his character will stoop that low. Just look, if he can have the intention of cheating his mom, I don't see why he won't cheat me!

He came home late last nite - really late. Went to help Zen with some aspects of his bike. Thatz kinda fucked up isn't it? I keep asking him to fix my bike for me, and he keeps telling me that he's tired. Tired. Yah rite, and he can help his friend fix a TZM? Piece of shit. Hell, I don't even give a shit whether he comes home at nite or goes for coffee with his friends in the midst of the nite anymore. I've got my own life now, and know what? He isn't part of it [1st step in getting outta this shit-ass relationship].

He tried selling the baby rabbits to the Bt Panjang pet store yesterday, but the guy didn't wanna take them in coz they are alredi too big. LOL now he's gonna try PetMart @ Serangoon Nth later this evening. Hmmm I've reach the point of bo-chupness alredi. He can do whatever he wants - I'm washing my hands off his unethical shit even if it means that indirectly I become an accomplice to his sins (but there's a limit to what I can do).

Anyway... am looking forward to a nice evening of cross-stitch & The Sims 2 after wrk. Tml would be good - some asshole has a ship, so I'll be free for Suikoden III !!

Shady self-destructed @ 10:03

Thursday, April 20, 2006


Well... he bought the puppy.

Placed a $50 deposit last nite (at the expense of the house funds - and due to that, the funds are now $2 short for the nxt GIRO deduction to take place... which will mean 10% late payment fees, unless he tops it up somehow before nxt Tues). Will be collecting the husky puppy on Labour Day. Upon collection, the remaining amount of $ will be paid to the owner. The total price of the pup? $1,088 w/o pedigree certificate. But vaccinations will be done - not too sure if itz just the 1st vaccination or all 3. The pup is only 1 mth + old at the moment. Will be 2mths when he actually comes to Jelapang.

Wonderful, isn't it?

Fucking moron.

What happened to all the plans of partial repayment of renovation loan from parents upon receiving the Progress Package? Now he has to blow it all on the pooch.

Well, I know the puppy is cute - itz black & white btw - but almost 1.1k? Can't he just adopt a mongrel or something, if he wants a big dog w/o much problems. Mongrels certainly wouldn't shed as much as a husky will... and mongrels are adapted to Singapore's weather - thatz the most impt part. The husky will require air-conditioning due to its nature (thick coat & all). I don't think the fan turned on 24/7 is enuff coz when I step into the pets room, I still kinda feel the heat. I wouldn't want a dead puppy with heatstroke as the cause!

Plus the food the owner recommended. Costs more than what I expect. I never knew premium dog food can actually cost more than the food I consume! Such irony huh? When the pup comes, humans gotta scrimp & save on their own meals... and yet blow off tens of dollars when it comes to feeding the dog. I just know that a particular someone is that kinda "pattern".

The owner really profited from this batch of pups. Small wonder that he's living in a 3-storyed landed property off Upper East Coast Road, if he breeds huskies periodically. Well, he claimed that this is off an accidental litter as he doesn't know the mum will get pregnant at such a young age. Hmm... bullshit, if u ask me. There are currently 9 pups @ his place. He's gonna rake in at least 10k if he sells all of them, can u imagine that? *rolls eyes* Seems like a lucrative business huh?

Ughh I just hope that doesn't put too many ideas into Ben's brain. He's alredi thinking of breeding & selling his damned local rabbits to raise $ for the pup. Unethical bastard. Besides... uhh... how much can a local rabbit sell for? Pet Mart @ Serangoon is alredi selling them for $15 - I doubt they're gonna pay more than $10 to take them in! In fact, $10 is alredi a very generous amount! Aarrgghhh someone just doesn't have brains.

I've got nth more to say.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:08

Wednesday, April 19, 2006


Having to rush off to tution barely half a hour after I step into the house (after a long day's boredom) is starting to take a toll on me. I wonder if itz due to the serious lack of sleep on Sunday - I slept ard 2:30am and came to wrk on Monday half-dead. Then again, it might just be my physical body trying to adapt to this new schedule. I don't seem to be able to concentrate sufficiently to even blog 'properly', my eyes feel really really tired & the eyeballs hurt frm time to time, and I get preriodic headaches. Gah! No rest for the weary ( ... and the wicked, I shall add). And itz only midweek.

After some co-ordination work yesternoon, my tuition is as follows: (1) Mon & Wed, 7:30pm - 9pm, Blk 540 Jelapang Road; (2) Tues & Thurs, 8:15pm - 9:45pm, Blk 296 CCK Ave 2; and (3) Sun 10am - 11:30am & alternate Fri ... uhh shit, I just suddenly realised that I can't remember the tuition timing for Fri [no thanks to a certain idiot's furious typing on the keyboard beside me, distracting my thoughts] !!~! Was it supposed to be 8pm or 7:30pm? Oh fuck. I seriously hope I had it written down in my little black notebook at home. If not I gotta make an embarassing phone call to the parent on Fri afternoon -.-" *sigh* Anyway, as u can see, my entire week is pretty much crammed with assignments. Thankfully the Thurs class is on only during this exam period & the Fri is an alt. week thingy. I wonder how long will my energy hold up. Gotta force myself to sleep earlier each night now.

The problem now is scheduling my driving lesson for this week. If I place it on Sat evening, will I have sufficient energy & attention span to co-ordinate the clutch, brake & accelerator pedals? Or should I just take a break this wk and put it on nxt Fri? I can't possibly keep putting the classes off, thatz for sure. *shakes head* I'll try book for my TP test when I get home later (if I do remember & if there's time to turn on the PC).

Stupid Ben had to sabo me again today. Initially he said he'll be able to pick me to & fro from wrk. Only till it was too late for me to start my bike (coz he really does ride faster), did he tell me that he had a ship this afternoon & I would have to take MRT to tuition later. -.-" If I had known, I wouldn't have had waited for him and I would have rode my own bike down. I simply detest taking the damned train in the evening. Itz rush hour and the off-work crowd sucks big time - behaving as if they are rushing to get reincarnated or something! Fucking morons. Oh... then he says we are gonna view a husky after tuition. This simply further reinforces a fact that he's a lousy husband. Hello! He's so fucking eager to get a pooch, did he think about ME? I get to tution after wrk, then I gotta rush down to view the dog? Uhhh how about dinner? Inconsiderate s.o.b.

Aaargghhh I'm just hoping now that my physical shell don't break down at this rate.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:11

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


Interesting quote that I came across is someone's email signature:

"The most important skill in staying calm is not to lose sleep over small issues. The second most important skill is to be able to view all issues as small issues."

Perhaps life should really be led this way =)

I read dad's email earlier today, and yet again, there is another "are u still staying with Ben - u haven't done anything yet" kinda comment. Can't ppl just fucking understand that before any changes have to be done, the present gotta be stabilised 1st? Just coz I don't seem to be doing anything doesn't mean that nothing has been done. Why do ppl always need "proof" of something? Hmm, and oh, one more thing... correct me if I'm wrong. This is MY life. I don't need to report or blog about every single thing I do, do I?

Anyway, blur is finally back frm Pakistan (the army sent him there) - received an email frm him. Now he's intending to go backpacking in Cambodia to vist the Angor Wat. Lucky dude huh? Single, independent and with a stable career. Not only does his job send him overseas, he also manages to obtain leave to travel to different places now and then. Hmm... and he's my age. Makes me kinda envious that I'm like, 25, and the furthest I've been so far is Bali? Or was Tioman further? Ah well... whatever *shakes head* I would dearly love to visit neighbouring countries in Asia and eventually perhaps visit DP in Canada. But with the amount of funds I have, I don't know when will that wish come true.

The stupid agent has yet to confirm with me the assignment for tonite. Itz supposed to be every Tues, 8:15pm onwards. But last nite, I got this SMS requesting for Fri as well. I alredi have a kid this Fri... I responded, and till now, no news. Perhaps later in the day am gonna SMS one last time and if there is still no response, am not gonna turn up. I'd rather spend the night completing the cross-stitch card due this Sunday. I know, I know, this assignment is gonna mean another $160 in my pocket ($80 for the 1st mth), but what to do? ppl who refuse to give me concrete confirmation just pushes all my buttons the wrong way. Thankfully I didn't fwd the $12 to the agent beforehand. That guy is just so... unprofessional.

Pffttt I left my file behind @ the kid's house last nite - I hope it'll still be there on Thurs. She has this habit of putting her things away w/o remembering where it is. Ehhh on 2nd thoughts, just to be sure, I should really SMS her dad.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:13

Monday, April 17, 2006


In comes the GR, out goes the JRT. My ears took a rest for 3 days. In a flash, the dog-sitting period was over and home goes the GR, and in comes the JRT again. I seriously pray that Ben would keep to his promise - sending Lacky home after the renovations @ Teck Whye that is schedule to complete by the end of this mth. Kingston was a wonderful dog to have for a while ^-^ He's super friendly, doesn't bark and responds to basic commands. So unlike Lacky. LOL the only "problem" with Kingston is that he is one huge attention seeker and his drool splatters all over the floor. Hahaha... but heyz, I'd rather put up with sticky floors than an ill-bred noisy lump like Lacky. Imagine that Lacky bit Ben's dad again last nite -.-" I really fail to understand why would someone keep a dog of his nature... or rather, why would someone keep a dog and not provide sufficient training?

Goodness, and Ben is now thinking of getting a GR of his own. Either that, or a Siberian Husky. I wonder... is he fucking aware of how much they gonna cost? Puppy price, microchip, vaccinations, food, misc vet bills... etc. Cost aside, that asshole doesn't know nuts about keeping dogs! To think that he can actually claim that the reason y Lacky became this way is coz his dad has been feeding him meat. Uhhh. Right. Now tell me, what does meat gotta do with a dog being disobedient? Dogs are by nature, carnivores. I shudder at that thought that he'll put the dog on a dry food diet and nt give it sufficient training... and it'll end up like Lacky. A huge dog with such a fucked up tempermant is definitely gonna be a hazard.

Besides, he should really be thinking of repayment of loans 1st. Priorities are all fucked up once again. The rate he has been "borrowing" from the home account just coz he's exhausted his own resources are simply ticking me off. Now he's resorting to obtaining free cigarettes frm his dad & then selling it to me. Pffttt... kinda ridiculous, don't u think? I wonder if I should ask him to service my bike for me. I wouldn't want him marking up the prices for the spare parts and then adding in some kinda service fee siah. If thatz the case, think I'd rather send the bike to a bike shop. At least the mechanics there are pros. Unlike someone. Plus I dunno how long more he's gonna procrastinate coz frm what I remember, he promised to fix my bike mths ago.

*yawn* There's gonna be tuition again later. Hmm... my schedule lately is gonna be pretty packed to the brim. Just took up another assignment @ CCK, for a P4 Indian kid. That'll be every Sunday morning & alternate Fri evenings. Doesn't pay much, just $120/6 lessons but guess thatz betta than nth!!~! That'll at least pay for 3 driving lessons ^-^ Then there's another assignment in the midst of discussion. If all goes well, it'll be every Tues evening. The 1st mth isn't gonna pay well as the agency is gonna deduct 50% comission frm those 2 assignments. But 2nd mth onwards, it would be good.

Ben was asking me why did I have to take up that many assignments. It took a great deal of willpower to not snap a him, telling him how useless he actually is when it comes to handling of finances. He can't even support himself. Does he expect me to be perpetually broke like him? Besides... who wouldn't want spare cash? There are still a couple of items on my "to buy" list that I've yet to purchase! Goal for this mth - The Sims 2 Open for Business :D

Hmm... my already non-existent social life can really go to hell now.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:25

Saturday, April 15, 2006


Perfect imperfection

Good Friday hath come and went. It was a delightful day, not coz some guy died on the cross, but becoz it was a public holiday!! Spent the entire time gaming @ home. Didn't touch the PS2 at all but covered much ground on The Sims 2. I've now a vampire sim in college (actually I had 2 but I turned one back to normal with the potion that gypsy woman sold) ^-^ Now now, that wasn't too difficult, as the morons on the BBS mentioned, is it? Keeping it alive isn't too difficult either - though the maintaining of friends are a little tricky. My sim still goes attends classes in the day w/o burning up. Itz all about time management =)

Anyway, I had this question thrown to me on MSN awhile ago, by some fella who goes by the nick "Loser". I can't remember his exact words but itz something like - when will I consider life to be beautiful? I responded - upon the point of death. Reason being, I am never contented with my life. Oh, I am grateful for the good things that come my way of course, but I'll never have enough of something. The only ppl who view life as "beautiful" are those who are blissfully statisfied with whatever they have w/o demanding more. Loser then proceeds to mention that most ppl are disatisfied with life.

That is the imperfection of mortality.

Itz interesting, isn't it? The Christian God supposedly made humans in his own image - yet such imperfect creatures are there result of his creation. Creatures who destroy the very planet that gave them life, creatures blinded by greed forsaking their morales, creatures who... just don't deserve to be walking on Earth (yes yes, me inclusive). It all reflects the flaws of the creator, doesn't it? To think that people pray to imperfection. LOL. No wonder they turn out pretty much fucked up at the end of it all. I mean, how the hell do u expect to turn out decent when u worship imperfection? Hahahahahah - food for thought once again eh?

Such is the contradictory Christian faith. Certainly I can state many more examples of contradiction in the Bible, but I'm just too lazy to blog them all. Anyway, for the Christians out there who happen to be reading this - Happy upcoming Easter Sunday!!!

I look foward to those eggs.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:09

Thursday, April 13, 2006


What a WONDERFUL day this is turning out to be. Itz just the beginning of the day and alredi I am dripping wet. My jeans are totally soaked thru' and so is my bag. How the fuck am I gonna get thru' the remaining 9hrs in the air-con environment? Oh... as if I knew itz gonna rain that heavily on the fucking PIE. It was fine, till I reached Lornie Rd exit. The rain started pouring. Then there was a stretch of dry road... till I exited to Bishan -.-" Just a couple of seconds in the rain is enuff. This is even heavier than the rain shower system I'm using at home. Just 2 words - fucked up.

If Gabriel was here this morn, I would have taken a train and gotten here late, but dry. But he wasn't. He had to go down to Bishan Park Sec for some stupid kid's school enrollment. Pah! Itz alredi bad enuff that I'm facing discrimination at wrk. When the principal asks me to do something, after am done, he'll always ask Gabriel to double-confirm it for me. D-U-H. If he doesn't trust me, why ask me to do the task in the 1st place? Ever since he came into the company, I've been made to do all the super menial stuff - filling up forms, calling ppl up to remind them to pay their fees, topping up the kettle water... etc. Now I know how Shannon must have felt & the reason she left this place, throwing 2k in their faces. Call me arrogant or what... but hello, this is not the kinda job that a degree holder should be doing!

Seeshhh if that isn't bad, Gabriel has this way of talking that reminds me distinctively of Jacky. Fucking shit. Plus his endless whinning about irrelevant matters (ie. crows around the neighbourhood, the lack of soap in the toilet - thanks to him, the toilet is gonna be under renovation frm 16th April onwards till gawd knows when) & snide comments about ppl on wholivesnearyou.com - he's really starting to irritate the shit outta me.

Gah! Enough about work. Sucks to be me.

Silent Hill the movie is opening 21.04.2006 in the US. I wonder when will it be opening here. Am definitely gonna catch it when it does though! Hmm... is there gonna be linkage to the game or what? Heh just hopefully the movie will be able to capture the creepy setting of the game. Till now, am not too sure why that game freaks me out. Especially during the loading screens - coz u dunno what u gonna see the nxt scene. Itz just something about the fog around the town, the dilapidated buildings, the creaking doors, filthy toilets... etc. Aarrgghh I can't even describe it properly. Gotta play it to know it.

Speaking of which, Silent Hill 3 is still lying in my game folder, totally untouched -.-" Hmm considering that tml is a public holiday, am gonna try graduate 2 Sims from college tonite and perhaps play a little Suikoden III if time allows. I wonder if the GR owners are gonna board the dog at my place - they didn't have a good impression of us the last time they came!

Shady self-destructed @ 08:50

Tuesday, April 11, 2006


Phew... just came back frm my 1st practical lesson. Ugh, itz just as difficult as I thought it would be -.-" Have some problems co-ordinating the clutch and all. Plus, I nvr expected the damned brake & accelerator to be that sensitive. Tap a bit only jam brake liaox. Tap a bit only vrrrooooommm... hahaha. Then the instructor had to keep telling me to slow down and all. Pfftt... if that ain't enuff, 1st lesson teach me how to u-turn. Kaox!! I can't even do a perfect left/right turn yet and I gotta u-turn? *shakes head* Hopefully I'll be able to pick up the technique asap and faster "graduate" to the main road manx. I can't stand that ulu place that I was practicing at earlier. Near Jurong stadium. I can't imagine that I'm gonna be parking my bike there nxt week. Hopefully when I return to the vehicle, I don't find weird insects crawling ard or anything!

Anyway, am uber concerned about my pocket now. LOL only when I went down today, that the instructor informed me that I gotta fork out another $30 registration fee. Gahhhh!! Thankfully this mth I still have cash to spare - I didn't spend as much on cigarettes & transport as I initially predicted I would. Hmm, gonna monitor my spending process for the nxt 2 mths and tighten the budget accordingly. Hahaha I am starting to sound like such a goddamned miser! What to do? I dun print dollar notes!!

Hmm... I might have another 2 tuition assignments lined up. One of them, the only thing left for me to do is contact the parent to see if he accepts me. Will do so tml, and hopefully I can start classes like nxt week or something. The other one, I gotta fork out $12 to the agency b4 they would reveal the address to me. Comission is like 35%. Hmm it kinda doesn't make much sense to me actually, paying for something b4 it is even confirmed. I have my doubts. But this is probably one risk that I'm gonna take. If that $12 "disappears", that company is nvr gonna hear the end of me!! Think I would do some checking up on their business registration no. and all b4 I transfer the funds over. $12 ain't alot, but that could jolly well buy me 3 budget lunches along with TNP to read.

Ah well... the day is over. Am gonna just take a nice warm bath (I think I deserve it), sim for a little then go off to sleep. Hopefully Ben doesn't make too much noise when he comes home later - I wonder when will that be -.-"

Shady self-destructed @ 23:15

Monday, April 10, 2006


GOT IT!! Passed my Final Theory Test on my 1st try. Am I great, or what? LOL itz nt about arrogance... itz plain pleasure ^-^ At least I didn't spend the 2hrs of studying for nth (though I admit I was watching Christine at the same time)!!~! Phew, thankfully things are going according to plan. I applied for my PDL, contacted the private instructor and know what? I'll be having my 1st practical lesson tml nite!!~! Woohoo!! Will see how things go and apply for my TP test accordingly XD The faster I get the license the betta. Hahaha yeah, I know I won't be able to afford any car as yet, but an additional "line" on my license would definitely look good. Hmm I wonder how long would I take to pass the TP test. My class 2B did take what it seems like forever -.-" I just hope this would be much faster. I should be able to afford practicals say once a week, 1.5hrs each. Save time, most imptly... save $.

Wheeeeeee now am gonna enjoy the rest of my leave. I paid for it manx!

Shady self-destructed @ 13:14


Gah! Initially thought that I could complete Suikoden III by today but am having big time problems with the final boss battle a.k.a. the wind incar -.-" Perhaps my party is not levelled enough, or perhaps I just chose the wrong combination. I just thought that it would be great to have Hugo, Geddoe & Chris finally fighting alongside each other. But Geddoe is always like taken out within the 1st 2 rounds... guess his mdef is simply wayyyy too low. Made a huge mistake with using Viki as well, coz her Pale Gate rune that stole the show during the water incar fight seems totally useless against the elemental crystals. Well... guess this is it. Will be selecting new party members when I attempt it again tml & equip all the most powerful runes avaliable. Damnit. I just hate magic users.

Managed to attain the game target for The Sims 2 though ^-^ Killed off Bella Goth & Pascal Goth. Aged Jetson Goth & got a new set of twin boys for the town, thanks to Sarah Hart. LOL the Hart family is gonna be a challege to play though - with 2 sets of twins in them. Thankfully the 1st pair are alredi kids and when they grow to adulthood, am gonna just send them off to college. College itself is a long road. I wonder if thatz Maxis's hidden message in the game - getting a degree is a tiring path to take but it proves beneficial at the end of tha day. Ah well... anyway Jeston is now friends with one of tha Grand Vampires. Perhaps I'll just create a couple of vampire sims tha nxt time I load the game.

Am taking a break rite now frm studying for the FTT. Somehow I don't feel too confident. Guess itz probably coz I'm doing it all at the last minute. *shrugx* I just didn't have the time & energy to do so the past couple of dayz. Well the best thing I can do, when I fail, is hopefully manage to book a late timeslot so I wouldn't have to take another day's off to do it. Then there is another problem of applying for the PDL (that has to be done during office hours). Of coz, the perfect scenario would be - I pass the FTT tml and apply for PDL at the same time and start practical lessons nxt week. But well... knowing me, I wouldn't be very optimistic about it all. My theory? It always pays to be a pessimist coz when things really do go wrong, at least u are mentally prepared; and if things turn out otherwise, hey... enjoy the surprise!

Contacted a tuition agent last Sat regarding an assignment @ CCK, and according to her, I've got it. All it takes now is for the parent to contact me. Well... I'm not too keen on it, considering that itz only paying $120, but I'll probably just call the parent tml anyway. Some additional cash is betta than none at all - and the timing is perfect for my schedule... 10:30 - 12pm on Sunday and evening on one other weekday.

Yeah... am trying all ways and means to make $ rite now. Earlier, a couple brought a GR over to my place to see if he and Lacky can get along. As expected, Lacky kicked up a big fuss and I had to physically drag him away a couple of times - as a result, he broke one of his toenails and was bleeding quite a bit. Put a little medication on the injured toe and guess he should be fine after it all. Of coz, will be monitoring the situation a little. Much as I detest a dog, I wouldn't want to be the cause of its death! Ah well... hopefully the owner will agree to let the GR stay over at my place. I have doubts in handling such a big dog, but it'll be great practice for the future when I would wanna own my own Siberian Husky! Not to mention, it'll be an additonal $45 to the house account of coz! Would need all the $ I can get =)

On my part, my finance is pretty much alright now... for this mth, at least. Been keeping tabs on my daily spendings & so far so good. If things maintain the way they are, I should be able to set aside at least $20 for savings every mth. But I wouldn't be too positive about this either. Driving lessons are gonna be a nuclear bomb! Well my only hope now is that Ben could keep his own finance checked too. As expected, he splurged when his salary came in and is now "borrowing" amounts frm the house account to pay for his needs (ie. petrol, personal purchases). At this rate, it'll be tough to have savings at the end of the day. Not to mention, itz gonna be real difficult for him when he officially gets the car.

Hmmm... why do I still care about him even though I've told myself to let this r/s go? *shrugx* I guess somehow I'm still hoping that it would work out at the end of the day. Marriage is supposed to be forever, and frankly, divorce is really the last resort. I know, he isn't worth it... and he'll never change no matter what... but I guess I wouldn't wanna just walk away w/o trying somemore. How much more effort would I put into this? I frankly have no fucking idea. I wish I can be strong and just walk away... but would things be better if I did? Yeah, it may seem that I'm "going back on my word" again, but bear in mind, my personal well-being is of topmost priority rite now. I am well aware of the dmg I'm gonna take should I get a lawyer. On the other hand, I am aware of the dmg I'm gonna gradually take if I try to just weather out the storm. Talk about having tough decisions to make.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going... yet an tactical person would rather have a safe retreat than an absolute defeat. Aarggghhh I really need a short holiday or something to allow myself to re-evaluate the situation. Whatever it is, I know I'm gonna get outta this mess victorious. There is, perhaps, a sliver lining around this goddamned black raincloud. Whatever it is, I should just get my ass off the computer and watch Christine on HBO while doing a little more reading up on the FTT.

To be continued...

Another day.

Shady self-destructed @ 02:24

Saturday, April 08, 2006


Spent the last hour or so on The Sims 2 Official BBS, reading up on tips & tricks. Hmm... itz amazing how many idiots are there out there. LOL. Frm my point of view, the game is virtually a no-brainer [unless u consider Sim family planning a huge task to do] and I really wonder why are some folks finding it that difficult to play! There are ppl complaining about how difficult it is to raise twin babies - I've done it, and yeah itz a little difficult compared to the normal singular birth, especially in the toddler stage, but itz not that difficult. There are ppl asking how to get twins - duh, play long enuff and u'll get it naturally. And there are ppl asking about vampires in Nightlife, claiming that they've never seen one. Well, I've gotten Nightlife only recently and one of my Sim (Chaos Beaker) is well on the way to befriend a Countess. Itz only sooner or later that I'll get him to become a vamp himself ^-^

The only thingy that I find it kinda time-consuming is getting a Sim abducted by aliens. So far, I have yet to have such luck - with exception of the Curious brothers, that is! Hmm... perhaps I do need to increase the no. of Sims carrying alien blood in the town. It would be great if I can finally get 1 alien thru' natural birth. Gotta do some genetic calculation and more "family planning" if I'm in the mood.

Ack, I just can't wait to get Open for Business!

Anyway, all those reading just makes me feel like going home and playing the game this very instant! Hahah, am gonna try my hand at creating a cemetry lot in Downtown when I get back. I do envy my bro at times like this... he always manages to create lots (and even an entire new town) that look pretty nice! The only "failure" he has is filling to home nicely with furniture. I'm pretty good with the interior design part so it isn't too huge of a problem. I wonder if he had deleted the game back on his PC yet. Took a very long time to build up the Town of the Forsaken. I didn't bother creating a new town on my own PC though - I just played Strangetown... Pleasantview & Vernoaville are still untouched. Ah well... goal for this weekend - age a couple of Sims, get a vampire, and if time allows, kill at least one elder to make space for the new generation & have few new male babies born to the Town - the last many births have been all females and now there is this huge gender unbalance in game.

Hahah am having so much fun playing God.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:28

Thursday, April 06, 2006



Fulfilled my movie-in-cinema "quota" for the month ^-^ Went to watch Ice Age 2: The Meltdown yesterday evening at GV Bishan with pero after wrk. Initially the plan was to watch V for Vendetta, but the only session left was the one at 9+. That was a definite no no, as it'll mean I'll be getting home really really late after that. Ah well... the animated feature was entertaining alright. The silly little creature is still going after his acorn after all this while... haha, and as usual, he doesn't manage to keep it! Had a pkt of nachos as well. Ooooh I just adore nachos - slightly salted and that cheese! Goodness, can someone tell me where the hell can I purchase nacho cheese? I wouldn't mind dipping tapioca or potato chips into it when I watch stuff on my computer at home!

Anyway, the nxt few dayz are gonna be slightly betta as principal ass + his wife are going outta the country and wouldn't be back till Sunday. I'm off on Sunday, and my leave for Mon hath been approved =) What an expensive leave it is gonna be though - one day's pay and the dilligence award outta the window... all just to attend my FTT @ BBDC and perhaps apply for PDL on the same day [to avoid having to take another day's leave]. Eh of coz I hope to pass on my 1st try lah, but everyone seems to tell me that itz impossible... so yah -.-" With luck I'll be able to embark on practical lessons this month! I can't wait :D Yeah I know... thatz gonna leave me reaaaaal poor, but ah well, if I don't spend on myself, who am I supposed to spend on?

Managed to complete quite a no. of tasks that I've been putting off. Finally applied online for season parking @ Jelapang and submitted the GIRO form today during my lunch break. Now I wouldn't have to worry about getting summons for not displaying a parking coupon... and I picked up a small gift for my mum for her bday at the end of this mth. Itz the orange colored smiley face thingy displayed at Action City islandwide. It has this annoying, retarded cuteness about it... and I'm certain mum will like it. She's just a sucker for pathetic looking cute sods (inclusive of mashimaro... hahaha). Hey, that ain't an insult. I wouldn't mind having that orange colored thingy added to my stuffed toy collection too!

Now all that's left for my mum's bday is a self-made cross stitch card. I'll probably drop by AMK tml after wrk or pop down to Bugis during the weekend to get thread. Which means, I've to decide on a pattern by tonite and make a list of the threads that I need. Hmm... DMC or Anchor?? Ah well whichever I can find. Ain't too sure if I'm gonna be able to complete the card by end of tha mth, but I sure am gonna try! If am too slow, well, it'll be for mother's day then. LOL which means I gotta choose a generic "mother" design instead of one that screams "Happy Birthday" in ur face.

Tsk tsk, plans plans and more plans. I just seem to enjoy making tons of plans all of a sudden. Perhaps I do have bipolar disorder after all.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:44

Tuesday, April 04, 2006


I'm in a wide open space, I'm standing
I'm all alone and staring into space
It's always quiet thru' my ceiling
The roof comes in and crashes in a daze
I'm in a wide open space, it's freezing
You'll never get to heaven with a smile on your face from me
I'm in a wide open space, I'm staring
There's something quite bizarre I cannot see
I'm on the top of a hill, I'm lonely
There's someone here to shout to miles away
I could be back in my house, for I care
They do not hear me, it's the same old case
- Mansun "Wide Open Space"

A song from my past that I've once listened too frequently. At that time I was simply enthralled by the tune of it. The song just crept into my mind earlier, while I was starring at the computer screen (not exactly a wide open space... but yeah, it happened). Outta 50% curiosity and 50% boredom, I did a search of Yahoo! Interesting. Seems like something I can really relate to.

Standing alone in a wide open space. It may personify the feeling of being lost. The feeling of lonliness. The desire to reach out to someone, anyone. On the flip side of the coin, it presents opportunities. The wide open space is yours and yours alone. It signifies total freedom.

Hmmm anyway I read this pretty cute quote from the latest Reader's Digest. I can't remember it exactly but it goes something like - Keep your problems to yourself. 80% of the people you tell them to do not care, and the other 20% are glad that you have them. I wonder how true that is in society these days. Of coz... I'll still prefer to hang on to the hope that there are people out there who geniunely care about me.

Ah well... am just rambling.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:55

Sunday, April 02, 2006


I lost my 2nd comb in a space of 2 days. What the fuck is going on? Why are my combs falling outta my back pockets so frequently lately? Hmm... I can't survive w/o a comb, u knoe? Will probably make a trip down to Greenridge later to purchase one. Darn. What a waste of $0.60. Hopefully this one lasts longer.

Anyway, just signed up for my Progress Package online - ain't gonna join the stupid queues @ the atm machines! LOL this simply shows how desperate Singaporeans are for $. True true, itz something given by the gahmen, why reject? But uhhh izzit that necessary to be so kiasu queuing up like mad on the 1st day signing up opens? Makes withdrawal of funds difficult siah. Gotta ensure that I've enuff cash to last at least the nxt week, or queueing up for it will basically take up half my lunch break or more! *shakes head* Don't those ppl know that it can be much easily done online? Just a few clicks, and the filling up of a bank account no. Doesn't require an internet savvy person to do it. Itz amazing, how even though technology hath advanced, there are folks who are still dumb enuff to 'join the queue'.

Speaking of technology, in this day & age, Internet banking and online purchases are so common, especially with the younger generation. I was amazed when I was speaking to Gabriel yesterday - that he is staunch on that matter. He's like totally anti- online transactions. Gah! To think that he comes frm Gen Y as well. Come to think of it, his lack of computer knowledge does gets irritating at times. Imagine, he would ask me to adjust his word documents... etc. when I have tasks to do -.-" Yes, it doesn't take more than a click of the mouse. That's precisely why I'm irked. Most things can be done via trial & error - and hello, those software come with a help file that answers basically everything. The only question is, whether u are willing to make that extra effort or otherwise!

Well... one thing I've grown to realise though. The way Gabriel speaks really reminds me of a person I simply detest - Jacky. The way they answer questions, they way they talk on the phone and the way they handle customers... itz the same. Both ramble on and on without getting to the point & both talk in this tone of voice that disturbs my eardrums. LOL I know, itz perhaps just me. But hey, u'll find it annoying to when u have to put up with a person's whinning day in and out, about issues that are totally negligible. Can u believe that he actually wrote complaints to the NEA, and followed it up with countless of phonecalls (whinning all the time) about the restroom conditions so much till they are closing the restrooms for a mth to do renovations? WTF is that? I'm sure he's the only one who is making such a huge fuss about the toilet not having soap & paper. I, on the other hand, was satisfied once they made the cisterns stop leaking. To think that this is someone who claimed that he hath been thru' NS. Fuck manx, what have guys of these days become? Yah yah, new age sensitive guy [who doesn't think twice about using facial products, grooming & not to mention, thinking that they look really good]. Arrgghhh, bloody pansies if u ask me.

Amazing. I slept at the usual time last nite and I am up this early in the morning, despite it being a Sunday. Wad the hell is happening to my biological clock, I wonder. Ah well... am looking forward to a nap that I'm gonna take in the noon. For now, I'll try The Sims 2 Nightlife for the 1st time. I hope it runs w/o much problems on this computer of mine.

*keeping fingers crossed*

Shady self-destructed @ 08:57

Saturday, April 01, 2006


It was a pretty good day yesterday.

After wrk, went down to Bugis to meet my parents for dinner. Before that, I dropped by Popular and well... I picked up the cross stitch magazine that I was eyeing. The mag came with a couple of neat designs, but was pretty disappointed about the kitty sampler that I thought was included. Ended up, only a fragment of the design was printed - talk about deceptive marketing!! The entire completed design was printed on the cover, so I automatically assumed that I'll find it in the mag -.-"

On top of that, I finally got The Sims 2 Nightlife! Ahhhh after such a long time of eyeing it. Yah I know, it probably retails for a lower price @ Sim Lim, but factor in the walking distance & time wasted... etc., guess itz still betta to purchase it at somewhere nearby. Anyway, the price has dropped like $10 since half a year ago so guess it can still be considered. Nxt item on my list - The Sims 2 Open for Business! For that, I'll probably make a trip down to SLS. Heh, guess my weekend has been decided ~ will install the game later tonite when I get home & tinker around with it for a couple of hours (I wonder how long I can hold on though - had a late nite last nite and am feeling goddamned exhausted - was supposed to meet pero later today, but I don't think I'll have enuff energy to do so). Then it would be Suikoden III tml.

Anyway, those purchases came with a slight guilt, as I asked my mum to come downstairs to lend me her popular card. She ended up paying for both items & refused to take anything in return - saying that it isn't often that I buy things for myself anyway. *sigh* Am guilty coz well, I understand that my parents aren't exactly well off. It was about $56 in total ookie. My mum ain't taking back home much since she's wrking part time. That must be like 1/4 of her pay alredi. Gotta really remind myself to get her a small gift for her b-day, accompanied with a cross-stitch card. Will get home later to pick out the design and go shopping for the threads on Monday ~ the kit that I'm working on can be put on hold. Coz there's really no one in the world more important than mum [and I'm saying this NOT simply becoz she buys me stuff].

Dinner itself was good. Went to Jack's Place for the usual ribeye & lobster bisque. Yummie ^-^ Heh, guess itz nice having dinner as a family frm time to time. My bro joined us yesterday, and it was a neat occassion. Guess u'll never know what u really miss till u kinda "lose it". When I was still living at Bugis, we barely went out for dinner as a family coz basically we see each other every single day till we're probably sick & tired of it. Everyone has their own dinner at their own time, despite mum cooking every day. Even if we kinda "ate together", it was in front of the tube.

Cat was cute as ever... it seems that its a routine to let her roam the house every evening/night, after her meal. I wonder how many more cat years does she have left. *shakes head* The lifespan of wonderful pets are just waaaay too short.

Ben came to pick me up after all that, using his company's lorry. Finally managed to bring my guitar back to Jelapang. Considering that the strings have been changed recently, think there'll be loads of tuning to do.

Itz gonna be a packed weekend :D

Shady self-destructed @ 09:25






.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page



Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.

In Progress

  • Dark Cloud 2
  • Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
  • Kingdom Hearts
  • Kingdom Hearts II
  • Wild Arms 3

In Queue

  • Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
  • Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
  • Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
  • Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
  • Dark Cloud
  • Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
  • Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
  • Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
  • Final Fantasy X
  • Final Fantasy X-2
  • Final Fantasy XII
  • Grandia III
  • Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
  • Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
  • Persona 3
  • Rogue Galaxy
  • Rule of Rose
  • Shadow Hearts: Covenant
  • Shadow Hearts: From The New World
  • Shining Force Neo
  • Silent Hill 3
  • Silent Hill 4: The Room
  • Soul Cradle [Jap]
  • Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
  • Suikoden IV
  • Suikoen V
  • Tales of the Abyss
  • Wild Arms Alter Code: F
  • Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

  • Ar tonelico II [?]
  • Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
  • Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
  • Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
  • Digimon World Data Squad
  • Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
  • Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
  • Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
  • Drakengard
  • Drakengard 2
  • Dual Hearts
  • Elvandia Story [?]
  • Ephemeral Fantasia
  • Eternal Ring
  • Evergrace
  • Forever Kingdom
  • Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
  • Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
  • Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
  • Growlanser Generations
  • Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
  • Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
  • Jade Cocoon 2
  • Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
  • Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
  • Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
  • MS Saga: A New Dawn
  • Musashi Samurai Legend
  • Odin Sphere
  • Okage: Shadow King
  • Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
  • Radiata Stories
  • RPG Maker 2 [?]
  • RPG Maker 3 [?]
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
  • Shining Force Exa
  • Shining Wind [?]
  • Shining Tears
  • Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
  • Steambot Chronicles
  • Summoner
  • Summoner 2
  • Tales of Destiny [?]
  • Tales of Destiny II [?]
  • Tales of Legendia
  • Tales of Rebirth [?]
  • Tales of Symphonia [?]
  • The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
  • Tsugunai: Atonement
  • Unlimited Saga
  • Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
  • Wild Arms 5 [?]
  • Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
  • Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
  • Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
  • .hack//Infection Part 1
  • .hack//Mutation Part 2
  • .hack//Outbreak Part 3
  • .hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

  • Grandia II
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
  • Legend of Legia II
  • Shadow Hearts
  • Silent Hill 2
  • Suikoden III

Trash Bin

  • 7 Sins
  • Urbz: Sims in The City
  • Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...


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