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Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else


I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free


Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel


Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone


No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try


Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye


Fade to Black - Metallica




Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life


Thursday, March 30, 2006


Knnbccb. Whatz with ppl not making up their fucking minds [that is assuming they have one to begin with]? Mdm Ji is being uber anal today - not that she isn't anal every other day - and itz seriously pissing me off. Gotta summon up all the willpower I have to prevent myself frm lashing out at her. I wouldn't wanna end up at Bishan police post just coz I tainted my fingers slapping the face of an undeserving Mainlander. Wot a bitch, I must state.

Was working on the 804 tuition class materials today. Well... itz alredi bad enuff that it told to me at the last minute (2 days ago). I managed to complete the one for P3, and I asked if she would want it made into a book or what? Initially she said - just give the kids a new file. Fine. Just after I took the flies out frm the cabinet [which was a time & energy sapping task - really], she told me that I should just bind it into a book for them. Binding meaning stapling the ends & covering the staples with duct tape... so much for presentation huh? Fucking cheapskates. I did that for the P3 and the K2 materials... then she apparently changed her mind again, saying that since these are photocopied off a couple of assessment books, we shouldn't be doing that and that we should just give the loose sheets - lesson per lesson - to the teacher. Oh... and she said it in the way that itz my fault for not doing otherwise. WAT THE FUCK?

Then she kept complaining that the desk is very messy with all the things all over... etc. I just felt like telling her - LOOK! The only reason y the desk is so messy is coz I'm supposed to be doing the fucking materials coz the skool is too cheapskate to purchase assessment books for the kids despite them paying a montly material fee! Of coz the papers are seperated on the table. Where do u expect me to do them? The dusty floor? C'mon. Some ppl just have no brain! All that coupled with the fact that they are bloody cheats!!

Morale of the story?

Morale One: If u let ur kid join a tuition class... find out more abt the class b4hand, and if the skool delivers something that's not meant to be, pls go all out to complain & sue them for fraud if necessary. Don't simply shut up and let them go ahead with their lies & coverups. If u find that the materials are not up to standard, by all means, report them to the athorities and let the publishers sue them for a breach of copyright.

Morale Two: Pls find out who are the folks in charge of the tuition ctr. If itz opened by Mainlanders, pls be wary.

Morale Three: When u go for an interview and find out that ur boss is someone frm China, or rather, Chinese speaking. Fuck it. Get the hell outta there unless they offer a very very appealing pay package (like 2x the market rate + loads of other perks... ie. medical, time off... etc). Coz the shitting sons over here are not only unethical, they are slave drivers who do not give a hoot about an employee's well being.

Of coz... I know, there are nice Chinese folks out there as well. But frm what I've come across... it just seems as if the entire basket is 90% filled with bad eggs (same result if u take into consideration the male population in Singapore - 90% fuck ups).

Shady self-destructed @ 16:18


Aaarrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Leading a "healthy lifestyle" is indeed as difficult as I expected. Goodness, I predicted that the most difficult parts will be to snooze earlier in the nite, to quit smoking, to start jogging & to have a balanced diet. Just yesterday, I went to bed at 1am - coz there was a extra episode of RAW on SuperSports. Plus, I didn't manage even one single serving of vegetables *faint* I had fish just the other day though ~ so that part is managed. As for the fruit juice, lol, I didn't even bother to make a trip down to Shop & Save to get it. Perhaps will do so tonite, considering that I'll be walking past Greenridge anyway! Gah! I should go eat economical rice for lunch later, and ask for 2x servings (or perhaps 3, if the food is satisfactory) of greens to make up for the absence of fibre last nite. Hahaha, I wonder, is deep fried potato wedges considered? ^-^

You know, maybe I should call the Quit Smoking Hotline or something... haha, I just seem so goddamned tempted to light a stick when things are slow in the office. Funny thing is, I barely smoke on Sun when I'm home [unless Ben pisses me off]. Plus the temptation after meals is pretty strong. Generally I'll simply give in and light up. Ugh. Simply an illustration of the lack of willpower -.-" I do admire those folks who have been leading a healthy lifestyle all this while. Then again... they must be really really deprived folks XD

Ultimate question: Quality Vs Quanity. Would I prefer a long healthy life as compared to a shorter lifespan of indulgence? Ah hah, I bet most ppl will not have an answer to this. Simply coz we've been repeatedly encouraged to "live life to the fullest". Such is the contradiction of the "teachings" out there. Kinda crap rite? How can u live life to the fullest if u are keeping tabs on every single thing u do - even the food u consume?

.... To be Continued

Shady self-destructed @ 13:08

Monday, March 27, 2006


*faintz* I just did an online calculation of my Real Age, and guess what? Though I've been on this planet for approximately 24.3yrs, my actual age is - 32.4 !! LOL Somehow when I was doing the test, I had an inclination that the results will turn out to be something simillar. hahaha, well, basically itz just answering a couple of questions and the online calculator will do everything for u. Check it out if you wish. Factors such as smoking, dog ownership, an unhealthy lifestyle & a destructive marriage all adds up to making a person "older" than he/she actually is. *sigh* If u ask me, frm all the stress that I've been feeling lately, I'm probably comparable to a 75 y/o woman. Thankfully my medical history has been relatively clear, so I didn't get too many "points" for that!

Hmm... perhaps itz time to revamp my lifestyle - had that thought while taking the MRT to wrk today. I wonder how long will this determination last. Anyway, I've replaced the pets list on my blog to one of a lifestyle to-do list... hopefully I can stick with it as much as possible. Once the physical health is in check, I'll try sort out my mental state.

Happen to read thru' this list of questions on Shivak's blog yesterday - while listening to Metallica as a form of de-tox. I don't think I'm that important to warrant a post of another person's blog but those questions are interesting indeed. It does serve as a form of reflection for myself at this point of time. Well... I'll just answer them more for my own sake than anyone else. Coz this is my life. And the end of the journey, there's only one person whom I've gotta be answerable to. Myself.

Anyway, here goes...

Q: Should you quit yr job?
A: Yes

Q: When should u quit ?
A: Minimum, by the 1 year period; maximum by the end of the contract. I simply can't afford to reimburse the company 2k rite now, and I guess I shall view this as a "learning" experience more than anything else. Plus it wouldn't look too good on my resume to be holding permanant positions for such a short time, don't u think so? Much as I hate the job... and much as itz contributing to my Real Age.

Q: Why are u uncontented?
A: Read my past entries and tell me why am I discontented. Heh perhaps itz the latent perfectionist mindset that I have. Then perhaps itz just human nature. Ppl have told me that I should be satisfied with what I have, coz there are some ppl in the world who have problems even filling their tummies, and there are some ppl who are blind... etc. But c'mon. Self-satisfaction leads to a stifiling of ambition & if ur ambition is zlich... well, life will never be better. Itz a double edged sword, really. w/o ambition, life will never be better coz itz alredi perfect the way things are. LOL

Q: What do u need to be happy?
A: A purpose in life maybe. When I find out, I'll answer this question again.

Q: Why did u fuck up again?
A: Define "fuck up". If itz referring to being in another stoopid relationship yet again, well, all I can say is. Life is gamble. You win some, you lose some. Plus u'll never know how deep the pool really is till you take the plunge. I'd rather screw up in a r/s than look back years down the road & regret tat I never dared to embark on it. Betta safe than sorry, you say? Well... I'm not that kinda person. Remember, I am riding a bike now even though odds are against me. I know there is a chance that I might die on the road someday, but I'd rather die on the road than live till 100 y/o and sigh.

Q: Why did u screw up a prefectly balanced situation?
A: My situation was never balanced. Itz always the 2 personalities in me conflicting against each other. So how can I possibly screw up something I never had?

Q: Why should u be attached?
A: Influenced by way too many fairytales since childhood. The thing about being in love, meeting the person of my dreams and having a happy-ever-after. Even after going thru' so many r/s that didn't work out, there's still the hope of finding my soulmate someday.

Q: Can u stay single?
A: Duh, of coz I can.

Q: Can u be strong enough to remain single?
A: All the way till I die? Hmmm thatz kinda "sad" isn't it? When the opportunity presents itself, why not take it? I understand that if I play with fire, I might get burnt. But heck, like the previous question I answered... I'd rather get burnt than let the flame die.

Q: Can u make me proud?
A: What a weird question. Well, since I doubt that post is directed to me, I shall not answer it & I dunno wth that is about. LOL.

Q: Can u stand up on yr own?
A: I can not only stand, I can walk, run, swim and climb on my own. If if u're asking whether I am able to get thru' life by myself... well, like Christina once said - no man is an island. Not too sure if I can, but I'm gonna sure damn well try. Let's just say, there's a 80% success rate.

Q: Should u break up with a person u cant even communicate well with?
A: Yes, and no. Depends how effort are u willing to invest into the relationshp. If u are just gonna let go without exhausting ur reserves, itz just sooner or later that u gotta regret that u failed w/o giving ur all. Perhaps that explains the high divorce rate in young couples nowadays - not only the rush into the marriage, but the "packing up & leaving" when the "going gets tough". But at times, itz a great idea to cut ur loses and just get the hell outta there. The difficult part is knowing when to let go.

Q: Should u just keep quiet and endure or put up with it?
A: Hell, NO! Have learnt frm experience that merely keeping quiet & enduring isn't gonna help. Things will only get worse when the other party takes advantage of ur good nature. An occasional blow-up will put the person right back in his/her place, am sure. Of coz... things always have the risk of escalating into a war of sorts... but thatz one decision that has to be made. Either be a jaded warrior on the emotional battlefield, or a doormat. Talk about being between a rock and hard place. LOL

Q: Are you gonna die soon?
A: I really don't think so.

Q: Are u living in yr own fantasy world?
A: At times, yes. I lose myself in the world of anime & video games.

Q: Why are u living in yr own fantasy world?
A: Simple, humans need hopes & dreams to survive. A good way to do so is allowing urself to wander in the realms of "what ifs" at times.

Q: Isnt reality good, or at least better than hiding in yr own world?
A: Reality is good? O-K-A-Y

Q: I know reality is cruel, but does escaping make things better?
A: For certain, it does prevent a mental breakdown. I wonder if there's a human in the world who just confronts reality in the face every single bloody second, every single bloody day and is still sane after it all. Escape is necessary. It allows time for the body & mind to recuperate & further strategize. Hmm... haven't u played strategy games? At times itz advisable to have a safe retreat coz if u press on, all u have left to show for it is bitter defeat.

Q: Are u one of those people who think they dun deserve happiness?
A: Tell me what happiness is, and I'll answer this question.

Q: Are u those who screw up so u can feel better than to live in a good situation?
A: Ugh... who in their right mind screws up on purpose? Just coz itz so much easier to appreciate the good when u've gone thru' the bad doesn't mean that u gotta get urself into the "bad"!! Alamak, itz just as good as telling me... I gotta get myself seriously ill in order to enjoy & appreciate the good health that follows after I get well. What a horrible though *shudders* hahaha ~

Q: Is it better to plan long term?
A: Depends on the person doing it. If itz someone who loves to be in control of every single fucking detail of their life... then that person is better off w/o a long term plan - imagine the trauma that poor sod gonna go thru' when a plan gets delayed or replaced by another due to circumstances? Anyway, I'd like to have a generic view of the future, but I wouldn't bother going into details coz hey, I might change my mind anytime :P

Q: Why do people live so recklessly without thinkin or planning much?
A: Doing things impromtu isn't equivalent to living "recklesly". Besides, who can say for sure that things won't go wrong even after tons of planning?

Q: Is a commited relationship better than a relationship that allows partners to sleep around?A: Okay, I'm a prude. Sleeping around while u are still in a relationship is simply wrong (I shall not even bother to elaborate why). If a person is unattached, then well, yeah, casual sex is acceptable.

Q: Will flings with lust partners come to a fulfilling ending?
A: No.

Q: Why do u need a fulfillin ending?
A: Would u want to watch a movie that leaves u hanging after the credits roll? Question answered.

Yikes! What a horribly loooong entry!!~! To think I was planning of inserting the lyrics of some song at the end. LOL nvm, song for another day ba ~

Shady self-destructed @ 15:20

Sunday, March 26, 2006


The Final Battle hath been fought, now itz time for the True Rune Bearers to reclaim what was theirs originally. Phew ~ spent a couple of hours levelling up characters earlier, to prepare them for the Final Battle - thankfully it all paid off. I suppose the game is gonna end in another couple of hours. Not too sure if I'm gonna be able to do it today, but within this week shouldn't be too huge a problem (that is if I ignore all the other chores that are to be done... heh). Hmm... am probably gonna go da bao KFC later for dinner. Ahhh itz really difficult not to get caught up with the game. Just imagine urself in the characters' shoes. Being with a party, with folks that mean the world to you, going thru' life & death together. lol... I suppose many ppl would kill to have friends like that. Hahaha... unfortunately, real life isn't that wonderful, is it?

Shady self-destructed @ 18:05


Hmmm so this is how u want it to be ehx? You folding & ironing merely ur own set of clothes and leaving me to do mine for myself while I've been doing all that for u all along? Fine. If that's the way u want it to be. I can live with that. "Fuck you", you said? Hah. You can wait a million years and it wouldn't even be your turn. Why would I want to get myself into an unpleasant situation? Been there, done that, and guess what? You really suck in bed, big time. Perhaps u can go stick ur little penis up ur mistress's hole, or shove it up some prostitute... but u ain't never gotta that puny wrinkled thing near me ever again. Waking up the wrong side of the bed, being an ultimate grouch - yelling @ me just coz I refused to go along with ur ridiculous plans. Who the fuck do u think u are? Some kinda God? C'mon, take this *middle finger*. You refuse to cook? Fine, then don't cook. You want me to go da bao? Go to hell... I'd rather eat instant noodles than walk all the way to Greenridge to get food for you. The nutritional level (or rather, the lack of it) is the same anyway - outside food, instant food... whatz the diff? Considering that now u dun wanna cook, well, tell me, what are u good for then? LOL. Imagine, u even have to sell me cigarettes that u got free frm ur dad - just to have $ to eat. OMFG... are u a loser or what? You crack me up...

Shady self-destructed @ 13:14


*stretches and yawn* I had a really great snooze last nite. Think it was close to 12hrs that I slept. Ahhhhh itz been so long that I managed to get a chance to hibernate that way. Itz a pity that soon itz gonna be Monday again. Working 6 days is really not an intelligent thing to do -.-" Look how did I spend Sat. I was home ard 9+, and I went to sleep at almost 11. No lifer ehx? I didn't even acomplish much last nite due to the exhausted state I was in.

Anyway, I'll never be able to understand animal behavior. Hamsters who grew up together start fighting viciously, hamsters that never known each other b4 (and are of a different breed) are found hudling together under the hay... etc. Seriously... WTH?! My winter whites seem uber anti-social against each other. Despite being siblings. A couple have wounds around their body, but I never seperated them till the fighting gets too serious - I dun have funds for that many tanks, and frankly I wouldn't want them to be alone unless necessary. Dwarf hamsters, unlike Syrians are not solitary creatures and should be kept in at least a pair. Of the same gender of coz, need I still stress about the importance of not breeding unless u are willing to keep them all?

I took Beano out frm the tank he shared with XiaoPig, Shivak & Trevor. Apparently little Beano was always bullied as he was the less aggressive of the lot. The other 3 are still fighting but each seems to be able to hold his own ground so I'm not too worried as yet. Then nvm. Ben did a weird thing by leaving the air-con on in the pets room last nite (perhaps he just wanted to see the winter coats) and when I went to feed them earlier... I realised that Beano was missing frm his enclosure. Imagine my surprise when spotted a greyish-brown tiny face peeking out frm under the hay in the corner of the black bears tank. Guess it was so cold that somehow, Beano managed to squeeze thru the "partition" and went to huddle up with Corbette & Ciara. Itz amazing that Beano hasn't been reduced to a bloody mess yet, coz itz a fact that campbell hamsters are more aggressive than winter whites (and Ciara seems to be jumpy & bitey). Well... perhaps it's the cold that decreased their bloodlust. I seperated them... and after a while, Beano just crossed over again. Ah well... they are left together, I'll monitor the situation for today and will decide what to do. If the trio of them can really live in peace, I don't see why I shouldn't let them be. At least Beano wouldn't be lonely.

I went to Popular bookstore @ bras brasah last nite. Well... they are finally starting to sell cross stitch magazines, but its pretty costly I must say. A thin little Quick & Easy cross stitch costs like $12.25. I was really tempted to pick up March's issue coz there's this additional pullout of charts which includes a kitty one that is really really nice. Had to use alot of self-restraint to prevent myself frm paying for it - due to my budget for the mth. I daresay though, I'll be getting it for sure if I still see it the nxt time I drop by!

Anyway, the price for the Sims 2 Nightlife hasn't dropped like I wished it would *sigh* Guess I'm destined to part with yet another $50 odd at the end of the mth!!~! Must buy lah, am lagging too much behind liaox. Open for Business is alredi out, and the items set is coming soon *sobz* EA Games & Maxis must be making millions on this. But for a game that great, I really dun wanna buy a pirated copy. Perhaps I'll hunt ard to see if anyone has Nightlife to lend me for installation purposes only and purchase Open for Business directly.

Now off to Sim for a little.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:32

Thursday, March 23, 2006


As expected, the little one didn't make it. The body was alredi stiff & shrivelled by the time Ben got home - I didn't even get to see it when I got home coz he buried it somewhere. *sigh* I can't even explain the disappointment I felt manx. Not to mention, the guilt. I should have taken it to a vet or something, during the weekend. But I didn't. I didn't do all that I could have done, and just let nature take its own course. At times, nature can be one heartless whore. Guess this is why ppl should always try their best in everything they do - so there won't be regrets in the future even if failure comes.

Ah well... so guess I'm left with 3 baby rabbits. Frankly, I'm not too sure if I'm gonna keep all of them coz there is a serious space constraint plus - eh, I don't think I would wanna pay for the amount of food they would consume loh!!~! If Ben insists on keeping them, then seriously he's on his own liaox. Gotta find someway to steel my heart & let them die in front of my own eyes if he can't afford to feed them. Aarrgghhh of coz, that would be a very undesirable thing to happen - like I told Evelyn & her sis last nite [ehh... what's ur sis name ahx? You nvr told me b4], which human can bear to do that? Wouldn't wanna chalk up negative karma and be reincarnated as a pig or a roach in my nxt life u knoe?

Yep yep, after much consideration, I went out for dinner last nite. Boy was Ben sulky when I got home. LOL. As usual, his "4 ships" amazingly disappeared into thin air and he left work early when I informed him that I was meeting a friend for dinner at Orchard. Of course, he expected me to cancel all my appointments and be home. Fat chance. Itz just sick tat he expects me to dance along to his tune. Why should I make him my top priority when I ain't his? I went ahead for dinner and then he grumbled that he was waiting for me to eat. hah. Hogwash!!~! I remember clearly telling him that I'm gg down to Orchard and I did ask if he wanted to come along. He was the tofu that didn't wanna go down due to the rain and he did tell me to "go ahead". What did he think? That I'm the same doormat I once was - that I'll cancel everything just to go home to him? I believe that itz only sooner or later that this escalates to an all out war - with him not even coming home at all. *shakes head* I really hate conflicts. But since things have alredi reached a situation as such... I'd say, bring it on.

Now to ready my arsenal ^-^

LOL don't u know that wars are never beneficial to anyone? Coz when there is war, there are casualties. Mothers lose their sons and daugthers, children lose their parents. Families are torn apart, homes lost, property damaged. How nice would it be, if war is merely fought between to 2 assholes who started it in the 1st place?

Shady self-destructed @ 11:44

Wednesday, March 22, 2006


Somehow, the little injured kit has survived for 4 nights... but I really don't believe that it'll live to even see the sunset this evening. *shakes head* Itz a pity. I was really hoping that it would survive, but when I left the house earlier, it was barely breathing & ain't even half as active as it should be. It was a wrong move, on Ben's part, to place it back with the rest of the litter after feeding it last nite. Perhaps it just hasn't been fed enuff - itz still small & thin while its litter mates have alredi grown till about twice its size. I found it ostracized frm the rest this morn. Lying all alone w/o a nest or anything. Initially I thought it was dead... coz it barely moved. When I picked it up, I realised that it still had some traces of life. I had to rush to wrk, so I couldn't feed it... left it back in the nest. *sigh* I believe the dmg has been done last nite though - somehow Snowy totally gave up on it and gawd knows what the bitch did. The kit was still writhing around last nite during feeding. Now itz just...

Aiyah I dunno lah. I feel kinda disappointed and all. Considering the amt of energy spent on it for the past few nites... now it seems that it wouldn't make it afterall. Well, it might be a blessing in disguise - that it left the world early & not suffer under the ownership of someone like Ben. Arrrgghhh guess its partly my fault as well. I should have stopped him last nite somehow when he wanted to place the little one with the rest. Sounds like an uphill task huh? Considering his character - either he gets his way or he'll throw a tantrum.

Anyway I had a great dinner @ Pariss last nite. Went with my parents & bro. Dad's treat ^-^ As usual, the food was nice... but I have this feeling that I didn't eat "enough" to cover the per head cost -.-" What to do? A particular someone ruined my mood halfway thru dinner when he called and nagged about me not being at home. Itz like... hello?! He wasn't home either so whatz the big deal with meeting my parents?

HaiZzz... should I meet Evelyn for dinner tonite or should I go home to tend to the little kit? Ben has "4 ships" tonite & I daresay he wouldn't home at a decent hour. Hell, I don't think he'll even be home at all for the nite... if the pattern frm last few Wednesdays continue. Pah!! I don't really wanna have dinner alone @ home again. But if I go out, by the time I get home, I dunno how long izzit gonna be before I do all the chores & finally get to sleep [then I have tuition tml so procrastinating for tonite isn't gonna have a positive result]. I had approximately 6hrs of rest of the past few nights and it feels really sucky to be nodding off during wrk & all. Guess I'll have till evening to decide. F**k manx, social life now is like a big fat ZERO. Gahhh really tempting to just go ahead with the dinner and heck care everything at home.

Just feel like head banging rite now.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:03

Monday, March 20, 2006


The morning was totally insane.

Classes resume after the 1 wk's term break - there was a shift of classrooms, fees to be paid, new students joining the "holiday course"... etc. The entire place was a madhouse. And I'm caught right in the midst of it. My head could have exploded back then. Itz a miracle that I'm still alive rite now. Taking a break after all that chaos. Need a breather.

*shakes head* Mondays are always a beehive. Why? Basically coz I don't come to wrk on Sunday & the idiots who do... well, just say that they are too lazy (or incompetent) to do anything ~ leaving the tasks for me to complete on Monday w/o prior notice. This ain't the 1st time that I have absolutely no idea of what I'm gonna walk into when I step into this goddamned place in the morning. For example, there's this Thai boy who arrived yesterday - they went to pick him up at the airport... and guess what? They didn't bother to do any form of registration, and there I was, thinking that things will be settled when I arrive. Hell NO! I had to give him the placement test... arrange seats... etc. I don't see why all that can't be done yesterday, when he arrives - won't that be more professional? Oh, wait a min. I forgot. This school is totally rubbish, there is no professionalism invovled.

Plus after shifting the tables & chairs frm one room to another is like totally ridiculous. To accomodate that Thai boy, we had to shift a table frm the 3rd classroom to the 1st. Nvm. As a result, there is a lack of seats in the 3rd classroom and boy was it embarassing when yet another new student turned up. The decision makers are not in the school, I had to call them when such "problems" arise & frankly, it makes me look very stupid. Then there's the O'Level application thingy. If the students didn't tell me today, I wouldn't even have known that the deadline for online applications was this weekend! Goodness, talk about the lack of communication. Will it hurt to leave a note or sumthing? Then the bins were not cleared over the weekend. Bloody lazy Angela [the cow who works only on Sunday].

I hate this place.

If that kinda start to a day isn't bad enuff, check this out. I dropped my handfone, and now itz totally dead. Battery is working fine, but the fone is unable to detect my SIM card. Know what that means? It means that it's time for a new phone. Which means... more $ has to be spent. I've alredi overspent for the month, thanks to the rabbits. Imagine, the food & all cost $134. Ben is only willing to split it in half. I don't see how that is being fair as - his rabbits obviously eat more than my pets do!!~! My expenditure should probably come up to only $50, and that's it. Why do I have to pay for all the hay the rabbits consume? And don't you dare tell me to just heck care everything & not feed them!!

Oh, and that moron is not coming back tonite. "Got ship". I wonder how am I gonna feed little Slash (the injured kit). Once again, I foresee a long long night.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:33

Saturday, March 18, 2006


I daresay the next few weeks are gonna be more tiring than usual - waking up earlier in the mornings to feed the pups & staying up later in the night for their 2nd feeding. Snowy was uber unco-operative this morning. Kicking, struggling and even snapping at our fingers. Eh, her bite is not exactly painless, u knoe? One bite can still break the skin & draw blood. Goodness... I really can't imagine how the little one must have felt last nite when its tummy was torn open. It must have hurt like hell. The wound looks slightly better this morning, thankfully. Though there was some bits of tissue paper stuck to it... well I guess it'll survive. It cause much dmg pulling those strands out when the wound is completely healed. I just pray that it wouldn't give up its fight to survive. I still dislike rabbits, but this little one just looks so... well, needy & fragile. I believe even the hardest hearts will melt.

Ben just called a few min ago saying that he had fed all of them. I hope so. Coz we didn't manage to do much in the morning, given the limited time we had & Snowy's fucked up behavior. Am popping over to Jasmine's place later in the evening - to pick up some milk formula for the pups. My plan? Feed them with formula in the mornings, when I'm in a rush to get to wrk, and try to get Snowy to breastfeed them at nite. *shrugx* According to Ben, another pup has been injured... a slight cut on its shoulder. Well, I ain't too worried about that. I know there's always the danger of wounds getting infected, but I believe the medical gel bought last nite should do the trick.

*sigh* Ben is being a jerk again. He doesn't have intention to pay Jasmine back for the food she helped us buy last nite. I told her that I'm gonna repay her - I just ain't that kinda person who would take something w/o giving anything in return. He simply stated that he didn't ask her to buy & that he wouldn't purchase anything for them till he gets his pay at the end of this mth. Seriously, that is a little too late rite? Some ppl just never learn the meaning of the word "responsibility".

That pretty much reflects the line I read in the New Paper during lunch earlier -

"Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is not."

Interesting yah?

Anyway I think there are tons of psychos around. Am starting to feel that the stupid bitch, Mdm Ji is a wired up nut too. She seems to be a plain control freak - someone with the compulsive need to stay in control about everything, everytime. Imagine, she actually wanted to dictate the way I place things on the desk? Just coz it seems to be a slight hinderance to her movements? C'mon! How many times did she ever hear me drop those items? Shannon b4 me had no problems with the arrangement too. Itz just her. Fucking bitch. Working here is really really unpleasant. I just wish that the mths will fly by and I'll get the fuck outta here. Lucky Gabriel - he only has a 1 yr contract. Mine is exactly 12 mths longer.

*sigh* Seems that I'm gonna give Emily's b-day party a miss tonite. I feel kinda guilty. She keeps asking me to her parties and I keep failing to show up. If it wasn't for the rabbits, I would have gone for sure. The last time, it was her baby's 1st mth bday. Now itz her own. *shakes head* I really miss the times we were wrking together at PS. I actually got to know her thru' smoking sessions @ the common staircase. Together with Adeline. The 3 or us were nt wrking together in the same store, just on the same lvl. Somehow we became friends, we hung out after wrk occasionally and we'd go for ktv sessions on my off days (hell, we actually arranged to get the same off day... lol]. Those were the days. I swear I'm gonna make it up to her - I just hope she doesn't get too pissed off about me nt appearing again.

Friendship just seems very difficult to maintain when Life steps in. Schedules, personal commitments & other factors are in play. I do envy those folks who can be friends "for life" - u know, those with decades of friendship. I really would like to know, how many friends do I have left rite now. I know I've been a lousy friend - someone who seemingly forsakes friendship ever since I got ROM. If only there's a way to tell them that I still do remember them, and I would gladly go out with them all the time, if I could afford it. My budget is now so tight that I don't think I'll be watching another movie in the cinema anytime in the near future... unless someone else pays for my ticket and nachos. LOL.

Anyway, whatever. Now to get thru' the rest of this day.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:38

Friday, March 17, 2006


Itz been a traumatic past few hours. Thankfully Jasmine came over to help, or I wouldn't have known what to do. Basically she taught me how to force feed the pups. *shakes head* Rabbits are just lousy 1st time mums. Imagine u gotta bring the pups to mum instead of waiting for mum to feed the pups by herself? Needless to say, she was struggling pretty bad and we gotta hold her down forcibly. Stroking her with one hand while the other hand brought the pups below her to feed. They are just so unlike mice. With baby mice, itz obvious whether a pup has fed or otherwise... as the milk can be seen thru the thin skin around their tummies. But for rabbits, there's no way to tell frm what I can see.

The 1st 2 were fed okay. Then tragedy struck. Snowy just suddenly turned her head and snapped at the 3rd baby... leaving it with a huge cut across itz tummy. If that ain't bad enuff, somehow, a blade of hay got stuck @ the wound. Took us quite a while to get it out, and trust me, that must have hurt. Eric & Ben then left for Bt Panjang Plaza pet store to get medicine for the wound. Well... now itz just lying in a box with 2 of my stuffed toys. I just hope that it manages to pull thru eventually. I swear I'll keep it no matter what - if it survives.

Shady self-destructed @ 23:44


Aries

Finally... I pulled the last stitch in last nite slightly after RAW. That took me approximately a mth to finish, if I didn't remember wrong. Think I'll be starting on the Sagittarius one later after brunch (and after a Suikoden III session of coz).

Yeah I skipped wrk again today. *sigh* I know, that'll mean more $ deducted frm my pay and I've still gotta make my way down to Greenridge to visit the doc later for an MC - I don't think they'll let it pass if I absent myself frm wrk again this time w/o leave. It just sucks that they don't pay me for the day though. Pfftttt anyway I only woke up at 8:30am. Thatz y I decided not to go. I know, I could have taken the risk - asked Gabriel to punch in my card for me and left for wrk immediately. But if the principal came in before I did (he normally comes in slightly after 9am), I'm gonna have loads of explaining to do. I took the lazy way out - absent myself. This mth can really go to hell now. Since the dilligence award is gone anyway. Hopefully I'll be able to get my full pay for nxt mth though. Wonder if the school is open on Sundays. Coz I gotta take leave for my FTT no matter what. Might as well replace the day on a Sun.

Now what?

Wah lan eh... wtf... 4 baby rabbits? How am I gonna take care of them? Snowy just gave birth a while ago. I didn't know till I was about to bring Lacky out for a walk. Oh shit... more rabbits = more poop = more stink = more flies. Not to mention, it'll increase the home's expenditure. Now gotta go shop for food for the new mom and all. I just hope that Ben will keep up to his end of the bargain and pay for all those stuff. If not, I'm gonna be totally broke siahx (did my accounts earlier and things didn't look too good for the mth - nxt mth's gonna be worse coz there's a reduction in income). I've since seperated bunnie frm Snowy. I wonder if the babies are gonna survive. Frankly, I have absolutely no idea how to take care of them. I just hope that nature can take its course.

Ugh gonna do some reading up now.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:03

Thursday, March 16, 2006


*yawn* Itz gonna be yet another long day, and I'm like totally exhausted. I was right. Ben was up to something last nite. I woke up frm a weird dream (that I have no recollection of) and realised that he wasn't ard. That was almost 3am. Both his handfones were still turned off. He finally came home at 5:20am... and his "story" was frankly, full of loopholes as usual. Claimed that the checking of provisions went on till 2+ in the morning... then he went down to the engine room to wait for the guys to hand him samples for tha stock order. He maintained that there was no reception in the engine room. Note: he only went to the engine room after the checking of the provisions - which was 2+. Wait a min! His fone was alredi turned off when I called him around 10:30pm!!

Kaox, if wanna lie... at least lie more convincingly rite?

*shakes head* I simply don't understand why are some ppl chronic/compulsive liars - was mentioning that to Evelyn who called me last nite [thanks for the phone call, really]. Is it a mental disorder or what? Gah!! Come to think of it, its horrifying being legally married to sucha horrible person. Ben's actions, reactions, behavior and even his nature - simply labels him as one of the many scum around. I know, I know, I need a divorce. Dad is oso pushing me to get things settled ASAP once and for all. Arrghhh will go post a notice on the local pets forum and see if anyone can come out with suggestions with regards to the pets. As long as they live @ Jelapang, I ain't gonna desert them. Thatz simply joining the ranks of Ben & other fucknuts... being plain irresponsible.

Well... I had a thought during lunch yesterday. About "what if's". That ur life can be totally different rite nw if u had just done something different in the past. Something small & seemingly insignificant. Hmm, an example? I still remember that I sent Malao an SMS in the middle of the nite just one fine day, coz I felt like it. A small gesture. But it was that SMS that put me back in contact with him & it was that SMS that got me onto #slurp. w/o that SMS, I wouldn't have gotten to know all the other folks like bunnyger, tuttle, taurus, SailGer, kure... etc. Hell, we were bascially hanging out almost every weekend at that time. I wonder, what would I have been doing if I didn't send that SMS. Would I still know those ppl eventually?

Such instances make u reconsider - about the existence of Fate.

Some arrogant ppl may claim... that the Fate of a person lies in his/her own hands. But... are some things just really meant to be? Look. Singapore has a population of 4 million plus. Outta that 4 million plus, those ppl not only came into my life, but travelled part of the journey with me. They aren't the only ones. I think of HCAS. If I never went down to the #dragonlance gathering, I would have never met jem and I would have never gotten to know everyone else. Then those hotel "raids" & insane activities would never have taken place.

*shrugx* Of coz, in life, there are too some ppl whom u wish u've never met [ie. this particular person called "Storm" in my past - that one is another contender for the bastard of the century award, then there is Ben... etc.]. But w/o those ppl, I would never be the same person I am rite now. I'd like to think that of coz, I would be leading a "rich & fulfilling life", but would I? There are certain things that I had to learn the hard way... and w/o those fucking morons crossing my path, I'll probably still be ignorant rite now.

Perhaps I should go obtain the movie "Sliding Doors" when I get home. I've never watched that film though I did want to when it was out in the cinemas, and I believe the movie is about what's been floating ard on my mindwaves. Well... that is if I'm not too exhausted when I get home. Itz Thursday. Tuition night. Plus there's Smackdown on at 10pm - so am not too sure if I'm gonna turn on the PC in the 1st place.

Tuition Tuition Tuition. Speaking of tuition. I've spent the $150 frm last mth alredi. On? Paying the traffic fine (once again, thank you Ben - for all the inconvienience that you've caused me & the irresponsibility to own up to the mistake or to even share the fine amount) that is due on the 18th. Hell, I wouldn't wanna appear in court !!~! And this will be a dead-end appeal of coz... pffttt... I wonder what is the result of the appeal on parking offence. I really hope that at least one fine can be waived, but ah well, thatz my mistake anyway - parking in the "no parking" spot. Kinda deserved it -.-"

Shady self-destructed @ 09:20

Wednesday, March 15, 2006


Ben is up to no good again. I wonder what it is this time. For the past few nights, he hasn't been home - claiming that he had "midnight" ships. And today? Another ship @ 10pm. What a f**king liar. I clearly overheard him on the fone earlier, asking whoever it is, what time to meet. Then he told the person that he'll be reaching home at 9pm then setting off straight after. When I asked, he claimed that he called PSA. Yeah rite. As if the PSA ppl are interested in what time he's leaving tha house. Oh... if that ain't enuff, he left the house at 9:15pm. Called me at 9:30pm to ask me to bring tha dog down. Itz weird that he took 10min to get to the carpark isn't it? Within that period of time, I hath finished 2 rows of cross-stitches!!! So whatz my best bet? Simple. He is meeting Jacky tonite & he was waiting for him earlier. Dun gimme the bunch of bull saying that there's ship coming in every single nite lah. Hmm... strangely, itz a relief not having him at home. I wonder if there's any way to kick him outta the house for good.

Maybe I really do have to resort to hiring a P.I. for the job. Capture all his lies on film, I would like to see what kinda defence can he come out with then. He just never seems to run outta excuses & reasons - as if he has been rehearsing all that mentally. You know, if he put those energy into better use (ie. saving $), we wouldn't be struggling rite now. Ahhhh... fuck it. I just can't wait to get this over and done with. Then life would perhaps be uneventful once again.

Guys are all fucking jerks.

Shady self-destructed @ 21:35

Sunday, March 12, 2006



He's gone. When I placed him back into the tank, all the other mice took turns to come up to him... sniffing around. Itz as if they are aware that he will not live to see the sun go down. A final farewell of some sort. A while ago, I found him lying on his side in the mouse house that hath been his home since he came here. Well, the curtain has been drawn. The play is over, and the lead actor took his final bow. It was a consolation that I managed to stroke him before he left. To hold him in my hands one last time.

Goodbye Lucius. I'll never forget you.

Shady self-destructed @ 15:48


I am damn du lan now. Both my PS2 controllers don't work. I am unable to proceed with Chapter 5. I examined the controllers... both have bite marks on the wires. Itz those vicious rabbits again. I tried waking that piece of shit up... I told him about the controllers and he doesn't seem to care. He just turned over and went back to sleep. I should have just gone to work. With the $, at least I could have afforded to buy another controller. Now what the fuck am I gonna do for the rest of the day?

Shady self-destructed @ 13:50


Lucius is now currently on my computer table as I type. He doesn't look too good. I think I'm gonna lose him today. He has lost alot of weight - he's like a feather in my hands when I picked him up earlier. Usually, he's full of energy... now, he didn't even attempt to get away when I reached for him into the cage. I hope it's not my fault. I didn't mean to fall asleep w/o feeding them the past few nights. I always made sure that I put in extra food in the morning to make up for it. Lucius is one old mouse. I took a photograph of him earlier using my digicam - it was a lousy one but I guess thatz the best I'll get. Before he passes on. *sigh* I wonder if mice have souls and where do they go after they die? I just hope that somehow he'll be able to meet up with Fat Bola and they'll be happy once again. I'm gonna miss him, when he goes away. Itz been more than half a year since I adopted him frm the SPCA. He was 9 mths old back then - in the prime of his life. Their lifespans are simply too short.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:25


Just went to feed my mice earlier and found a dead body in the big males's tank. One of the younger males of that batch probably died of hunger or the lack of water. I found the tank totally empty of food & there isn't even a single drop of water in the bottle. The other mice were so hungry that they are even eating the dead body... leaving bloodied streaks around. It was, needless to say, a grotesque sight. I fell asleep on the couch last nite. I didn't check on the pets b4 I dozed. *sigh* Apparently Ben didn't bother about them either, coz all of them were not fed and there were a couple of bottles empty. This is the reason why I haven't moved back home yet. Understand now? So stop giving me stick about still hanging on to this stupid marriage & keep mentioning that I have gone back on my word about moving back home. If you are someone that heartless. I've got nothing much more to say to you.

Itz 1am and that swine is still sleeping. I bet he'll be up just in time to go out with his friends, and then "go to work" later tonite... well, tit for tat. I am not gonna feed his rabbits or dog... and I will definitely not trouble myself to top up their water bottle if he's not responsible enuff to do so. Let the massacre at Jelapang Road begin.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:12

Saturday, March 11, 2006


Dilema. Should I make-up for my absence yesterday by working tml instead? Yeah, that'll mean that I don't get my official off day. Hmm... the situation now is basically $110 guaranteed Vs rest day [non-guaranteed]. Why isn't my rest day guaranteed? Simple. I'm still living with Ben, remember? That particular individual has this uncanny ability of fucking up another person's day. I'd rather come to wrk than spend yet another fucked up day with him. Hmm but there's always this possibility that if he isn't gg out, he'll be snoozing till evening so I'll have the entire morning & noon to myself. That'll be peaceful.

Know what? That jerk-off is now resorting to threatening to get me to fork out more $ for him. Just yesterday, he called, asking if I had spent the $ in the join account. I told him I withdrew the last $20 coz I needed to get lunch. He then kicked up a huge fuss, demanding to know why I didn't bank in my cheque frm the tuition into the account & then claimed that if he doesn't have the dough, he won't be able to pump petrol & he will be spending the night at his office -.-" Pfffttt.... what a threat! Of coz, I stood my ground and told him that my $ is my own business, and lied that it was going into my parents' account [I only found out later than that cheque wasn't cleared coz there was some error - stupid OCBC]. He eventually went to his parents' place to borrow money frm his mom.

*rolls eyes* I remember that a particular person once claimed that since 11 yrs of age, he hath started work and didn't ask his parents for a single cent. Goodness. Such a huge bag of hot air, if you ask me. Not to mention, being so certain that he'll be able to make monthly repayments of the renovation loan to my parents & his parents... plus, he'll be able to fork out $300+ for a car. Hmm... frm what I notice, itz not even mid month yet, and the above mentioned person is alredi broke, resorting to threats and borrowing to get by. Trust me, $50 won't last long for a person like him, soon he'll borrow more $ frm goodness knows who. Guess it is true that empty vessels do make the most noise.

[note: the following contain spoilers]

Anyway, I managed to complete Chapter IV yesterday. Oh manx... I never would have expected tat Jimba was Chris's dad!! Initially, when he passed Hugo the medallion to bring back to Vinay Del Zexay, I knew that he was somehow related to Chris's past... perhaps a friend of her dad, I thought. Maybe someone whom her dad died to protect - the part when Chris went to Karaya and saw her dad's armour. *shakes head* Anyway it wasn't a happy ending. Jimba failed to seal the True Water rune & died in the process. The rune was, well, handed over to Chris (duh). Hmm basically now I've 3 true runes in my posession, Hugo's True Fire, Chris's True Water & Geddoe's True Lightning. My collection of the 108 stars of destiny is almost done. The boy detective is a great help. Hmm hopefully I'll be able to find the last dog b4 I proceed to Chapter 5. I wonder what will the final chapter bring.

Used the Pale Gate rune for the 1st time yesterday, and boy was that powerful !!~! The only drawback is that, Viki is the one holding the Pale Gate, and if I have her in my party, I wouldn't be able to teleport frm Homebase. Besides... she's really lousy when it comes to melee. She does nothing but teleport frm spot to spot, and well, get wacked.

Hahaha the mini games in Suikoden III are hilarious. Especially the one about theatre. Imagine a kobold acting as a sheep, running past the stage going baaa baaa... and a dragon posing as a wolf, going kueeeeee!!! hahahahahah ~ I really burst out laughing when I saw that. Needless to say, that production got alot of booooos. The one that I got cheered on was Romeo & Juliet. Percival was a wonderful Romeo (a handsome one I must say), and Lily was... well, a tad arrogant but she does make a good Juilet. Perhaps the nxt time am gonna try Watari as Romeo and Ayame as Juliet. That'll be interesting.

Ahhh well, whatever. Half the day down, another half to go. Hmmm I don't think I'll be coming to wrk tomorrow. Let them deduct the $110. I'll continue with Chapter 5 when I wake. I just hope that itz gonna be a nice day.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:33

Friday, March 10, 2006


This is not a good day. I gave in to sloth & succumbed to a mere influenza virus. After 2 days of suffering @ work, I've decided to apply for leave today. I'm not gonna produce an MC this time though - why should I pay more to go see a doc when I don't get reimbursed anyway? Not only I won't be paid for today's absence frm wrk, I'll be penalised of the $50 dilligence award too. *shakes head* I'll be more than $100 down next mth. Haix... there is still the traffic fine of $150 to settle, thanks to Ben; and I just received a phone call that my bike has a summon of $25 - parking w/o a coupon on an unauthorized spot. I'll be appealing for the later... even if it's just for the sake of doing so.

Anyway work is becoming more bearable thanx to Gabriel. Pfftt... that guy can really be full of shit at times. LOL. But itz wonderful finally having a companion that I can speak English to. The entire place is just polluted with Mainlanders (not a racist statement I must stress). Plus Gabriel seems to be a nice guy - he actually bought me watermelon juice with salt when I complained of a sore throat. Look, Ben didn't even give a shit when I told him that I was ill. Some kinda "husband" I have huh?

Well... I've just checked my email. My application for a DXO position has been rejected. I got this feeling that itz somehow related to my termination frm Matrix Vision. Matrix Vision again. That bloody company. I hope they blow up or something *mumbles* I dread to think that I'm gonna stay at Spring Language School for the entire 2 yr contract. Ah well... life is always like that huh? Just gotta grit my teeth & hang on. Hopefully I'll be able to pick up a couple more tuition assignments to supplement my income.

I wonder how high divorce lawyer fees are gonna be. That bum bought a car. A black Mazda 323 and he was trying so desperately to keep it frm me. Hmm... too bad. I went back to his parents place with him last nite and I saw the fucking insurance paper of his car. Well. He claims that he'll be able to support the car's monthly installments of about $350. I'd like to see him do that. I forsee him going back to wrk at Paradigm or other clubs just to keep himself alive. Look. Itz only the 2nd week of March now & he has blown his Feb's pay alredi. He still has the cheek to ask why didn't the joint account reflect my tuition pay. I simply told him that I banked the cheque in elsewhere. No way is he gonna have access to a single cent I earn frm now onwards. It'll just be $450, as agreed upon, for the house. Nothing more. I don't care if he resorts to begging, prostitution or illegal means. He is no longer my husband, except in the eyes of the law. Why should I even give a shit about him anymore?

Itz apparent that he is a liar. He purchased the car last Sat - the Sat that he totally fucked up. No wonder he's so concerned about Eric fixing an amp. So itz for that car that they are fixing it up for. Now I believe he's gonna go on a boasting spree & cruising every weekend. AAargghhh I don't know why I have yet to go down to Legal Aid Bureau to just get a legal seperation. Am I really that afraid of being alone for the rest of my life?

Shady self-destructed @ 08:53

Monday, March 06, 2006


I managed to watch FD3 eventually, at PS ^-^ Didn't regret going to catch it, even though the plot is predictable. The gory scenes are not exactly scary... but, well, how do I describe it... uhh... interesting. lol. I wouldn't elaborate. Just go watch it urself. I wonder if the same impact will be derived if watched over a computer or 22in. tv screen. Ah well, considering that I don't have a superb sound system to boast of... I would say, probably not.

Anyway after that, went to have a drink @ Kopitiam with Prae, chatted for a bit then headed home. Frankly, I was tempted to go back to Jelapang back then - to avoid the inevitable jam the nxt afternoon. But I didn't. I stayed on at Bugis, and had a nice sleep. Woke up only on Sunday morning & pulled myself back home. It was a good ride home. Road was almost clear, considering it was only 10 on a Sunday morning (who the fuck wakes up that early on a Sunday?). Hmmm interesting. Ben didn't latch the door despite claiming that he would the previous nite when I told him I wasn't gonna go home.

Back home it was Suikoden III all the way!! Managed to make decent progress into Chapter 4. Lake Castle (aka 8 Mile Castle) is now my Homebase, and the current Flame Champion - Hugo. LOL u should see Lilly Pendragon's face when she realised he was the FC. Goodness, the 1st battle @ 8 Mile Castle was a tough one (for me, that is - I'm not too strategic a person), and I took 3 tries b4 I could clear it. Phew. Thatz one thing that makes Suikoden different frm other RPGs. The battles. Though I wouldn't wanna play an entire game of strategy, itz a refreshing change frm battling monsters & walking ard towns all day long. Another kewl aspect of Suikoden is their one-to-one battles, the "duels". Aaahhhh anyway heard a rumour that Suikoden V is making itz way out sometime in the future... I'd betta finish off III quickly and proceed to IV. So many games, so little time :P

Hmm... DP introduced me yet another RO private server. Re-installed kRO yesterday noon, and tried patching it but that didn't turn out too fine. Am gonna continue trying when I get home tonite after tution. Damned tuition. If only I didn't have to go -.-"

There's something I'm dying to check out about my Sims 2 as well. Tried to play one of the families living in a downloaded lot yesterday, and the result was disastrous. Monstorous lag, even after I edited the graphics to "low". There wasn't that problem b4, I'm sure. As the family wasn't a new move-in. Hopefully itz just coz my PC was tired after 3hrs of non-stop Simming in another lot prior to that. I restarted, but it didn't help. I dread having to move the family outta the lot & removing them in... arranging their furniture all over again.

Games aside, there's still anime to watch!!

Heh new staff @ work today. Well, he seems pretty friendly so far... but only time will tell if he's a vicious two-headed snake or otherwise. *keep fingers crossed* Itz nice to have someone to coverse with me in English at the office after such a long time. Since Shannon left, it was pretty much just me all the time. The teachers aren't around much and the majority of the customers are Mandarin speaking.

Itz the 6th today. Gotta pay my traffic fine by the 18th. Am still seriously contemplating whether I should send in an appeal or not. I don't even know how am I supposed to "fight" this case. Plus I have this feeling in my gut that I'm gonna receive further letters. Remember the speeding thing I was blogging about just the other day? And today, he beat a red light while making the right turn. See flashing green arrow, dun wanna slow down. By the time he turned, the other side's light was alredi green. That was a camera zone. Mark this date. I'm not gonna admit to anything.

Yesterday evening was sucky. Had to clean up the tanks and all. Ben helped. But the help didn't come w/o a price. He cooked dinner, but I was the one who paid for all the food. Today he took my bike to work - I believe itz coz he's unable to pay for petrol. I haven't checked the DBS account as yet... will do so later when I go for lunch, but I got this feeling that it has alredi been bled dry. He told me that he returned his parents $500 just the other day. Hmm... I don't believe it. Either he racked up some debt again, or he went to purchase a car.

Fuck it. A loveless marriage is just plain stupid. I'm looking forward to "shit-free days" [quote frm Shivak] in the future.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:52

Saturday, March 04, 2006


*stretches* After the rage passes, there is always this certain feeling of calm. Think the bike ride frm Jelapang back home helped alot (despite the jam). LOL, speaking of jam, it was so bad ard Bugis area that I didn't bother to turn into the carpark. I just left the bike on the pavement and thatz that. I hope no one messes with it at nite... and no "ninja" wanders around siahx. I won't have $ to pay for a traffic summon manx.

Anyway, I'm staying here tonite. Tml probably, if I ain't feeling too lazy, will be going home to move some stuff back here. Most imptly the computer has to return. *sigh* Seriously I am still hesitant about leaving the pets back there. Itz as good as issuing them a death sentence, coz there'll be no one feeding them, no one topping up their bottle... etc. I'll return on Monday nite for sure though - after tuition @ Jelapang area, I wouldn't wanna travel all the way back to Bugis. He wouldn't be home anyway.

InFlames is right. Rage makes one strong.

I walked away from him today. I am pleased that I did.

Gah, when will I ever learn, not to even try? I try and I try and I fail and I fail. I managed to persuade him to watch a movie with me tonite. Initial plan was that he meets met at CCK Lot 1 after I finish wrk, we'll have dinner & catch the 9+ show. I called Ben after I finished. He told me he was gonna be home... I called the house about 5x. No answer. I called his phone, it was switched off. When I was on the train, he called & I told him I'm gonna reach CCK in 20min. He said he was having kopi at Bt Timah and he'll be there... asked me to wait for him at the 7-11. I waited for 1/2hr. A goddamned fucking 30min and throughout the entire time, his turned off his phone (afterwhich giving the lame excuse saying no reception).

Nevermind. He finally turned up, driving Eric's car, with Jasmine sitting beside him. w/o a single word of apology, he asked me to get in... and drove off. All the way back to Jelapang. There he told me to get my bike, and follow them to Bt. Timah where he will return the car to Eric. Piece of shit. Jasmine has a valid Class 3 license ookie!!! I went home, to take the helmets. He didn't even bother to come with me, he didn't offer to help. Nvm. When I came down, stepped outta the lift, I confronted him again... asking him why didn't he tell me about the plans b4 hand. He simply said - there is no why... and accused me of trying to pick a quarrel. Fine. I took the helmet, went to the carpark, started the bike and left.

Now that I finally found the strength to leave. I am no longer looking back. Good riddance to bad rubbish. May rage give me more power to see this thru'. I am getting outta this cesspit that I've wallowed in for too long. My only regret is... well, I'm sorry about the pets. I'll bring a couple of them back... but I can't bring them all *sigh* I'll atone for those sins sometime in future then. I have no choice.

Shady self-destructed @ 21:20


Gah! Make my spirits lift for nth. Some tuition ctr called me earlier, and offered me a neat assignment. P5 kid @ AMK, Wed & Fri 7-8:30pm, $20/hr. When I told the damned co-ordinator that I am working full-time, her tone just changed... and she said that she'll get back to me. Till now, no phone call frm them. That was like hours ago. Cheat my feelings nia. Pfftttt... apparently the application with the tuition agency was made ages ago. That was when I was still unemployed (probably after the stupid Matrix Vision incident). Really shows their efficiency ehx? *sigh* I would definitely not mind taking up yet another tution assignment, even if it means cutting down my rest time even further. But guess this particular one is gone. Shit lah, really desperately need another job to supplement my cash input.

Shady self-destructed @ 15:40


Perfect!! Hit my target last nite, when I sacrificed some sleeping minutes to complete Geddoe's Chapter 3. Am now at the trinity site, embarking onto Chapter 4. Itz time for the Flame Champion to be unveiled. Hmm... got a feeling though, that the Flame Champion [ShaDy - as I named him in the beginning of the game] is "no longer around", considering that I've looked thru' the list of the 108 stars of destiny to ensure that I'll not miss any one of them and there is no mention of a Flame Champion there. Also, Geddoe did address Sana (the Chisa Village Chief) as ShaDy; while Sana introduced herself as the wife of the Flame Champion before. Ewww... that old wrinkled woman? LOL the Flame Champion did show up in Suikdoen III opening trailers though - a cute little boy I must say *shrugx* Will have to wait till this weekend to find out!! If I have to choose, it'll definitely be Hugo :P

Thatz the thing I adore about RPGs. Itz having an entire story unfold in front of you as you battle the monsters, take out bosses, explore new towns... etc. Of coz there are ppl out there who don't have the patience to complete and RPG. Even if they play, they dun put in 100% of the effort required to totally complete the game, if you get what I mean. My ex was one of such persons. Can u imagine that he claimed to have completed FFX when he didn't even manage to get Anima and the Magus Sisters - he skipped those just coz itz "troublesome"? Heh I admit that I didn't complete Suikoden II very well... missed out a couple of stars frm the beginning and hence, missed out on the others later in the game. If I have the time, I fully intend to play Suikoden I, then replay Suikoden II. Hahahah I can still remember that my main character then was named Oinkie. Lord Oinkie. Hahahahahaha XD II has a very touching storyline - about 2 friends that are torn apart becoz of destiny. The 2 different runes they hold. Kinda remind me of the manga/anime "X" by Clamp.

Games games games!!! I've yet to get my paws on Harvest Moon Back to Nature!! Aaargghhh perhaps I'll ask my bro to get it for me when he orders his games, considering that it'll be quite sometime before I go into JB again. Call me paranoid or kiasi, JB just isn't safe enuff - judging frm many reports about vehicle thefts, Singaporeans getting robbed, shot... etc. Of coz I understand that the media exaggerates certain things, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Until the M'sian police does something about the situation that produces visible results, I ain't filling up the whitecard & crossing the causeway. Yes, not even for a game.

Had dinner with my parents last nite and it was great ^-^ Especially that my bro is around, talking shit, as usual. The food wasn't too good though. The 煮炒 place at Kim San Leng, Bishan. I must say, only the stiry friend dou miao tasted decent. The fish maw & crab meat soup is pretty much tasteless, the crispy baby squid tastes burnt and the cereal prawns... well, they are soggy, 'nuff said. Am looking forward to next week. Dad said that he'll probably bring the entire family down to Pariss for dinner!!! XD This time, I'll make sure that Ben is not around. He's always the perfect wet blanket - displaying a sulky face the entire of last nite, saying that itz "boring" having dinner with my family. Know what? His own family isn't very much interesting either!!~!

Speaking of Ben, I am starting to kinda pity him in a way. I just had a small casual chat with him this morning over cigarettes... and he told me that he's gonna try quit smoking coz he's broke. Trust me, he'll fail... heck, I don't even believe he'll quit smoking but thatz another matter. Itz the "broke" part that makes him seem kinda pathetic. The cigarettes I leeched frm him last nite, I had to return it to him stick for stick loh. That is how ji jiao he has become (and I am 100% sure tat he wouldn't ask Jacky to return a cigarette if Jacky was the one leeching). I told him that why don't we go to Pariss for dinner nxt week? He said he had no $. Pfftttt... he's taking home more than I am, so rightfully, he'll be left with slightly more than the amount I have every mth after the home contribution. Then he was saying that he still needs to pump petrol... pay for his courts bill... etc. yeah rite, as if I don't have my own personal stuff to pay for huh? He's just lousy in finance management. I won't be too surprised if he starts asking me to pay for the petrol when he fetches me to wrk - if thatz the case, I'd rather ride my own bike.

Hah! Remember that previously he still claimed tat he'll be able to afford a car? All talk, no determination, no action, no results. Gah!

Ah well... despite me pitying him, nothing is gonna change. He is touching my money no more. I'll have my own savings, I'll lead my own life & I'll spend on whatever I want. If he's broke within the 1st week of getting his pay, thatz pretty much his own problem. It just reflects how lousy he actually is. If he really finds it that difficult to survive, go ahead, go back to wrk part-time @ Paradigm for all I care. Perhaps the little sluts there will find him more attractive than I do... and he'll get additional "tips" on the weekend. At this point of time now, I don't really care whether he comes home or not. The thing is - if he doesn't, just make sure he cleans up those pets of his... and pls don't spread diseases around. Gawd knows what kinda bacteria those little sluts carry. *shudder*

Shady self-destructed @ 09:33

Friday, March 03, 2006


Tsk tsk, should I be annoyed or relieved? Ben asked me last nite, to take photographs of the rabbits & put them up for adoption on the websites I frequent. I told him no way, I'd rather send them to the SPCA instead, if he's that intent of getting rid of them - those viscious, rabid, filthy creatures. I'll never put an animal up for adoption on the forums I visit. Why? Simple. I have a reputation to protect. Just coz I have an asshole for a husband, it doesn't mean that the world can view ME as the asshole who abandons animals just becoz. Remember? I have very strong views about irresponsible owners who get pets on impluse - only to decide in the future, after the novelty hath worn off, to give them away? Guess it doesn't even bother them that their pets might have their lifespan cut short (ie. euthanised) due to their impulse purchase. The stray population is alredi overwhelming. And now, someone I knows is gonna add to the number. Fuck.

Just check out the ultimately lame reason he gave - the flies population is too much for him to bear. DUH. As usual, he refuses to shoulder any part of the blame. Hmmm why there are flies? Itz not the rabbits fault. Itz HIM who neglects their habitat... causing all that muck to form [refer to previous post about shrooms]. He further complains that they rabbits are "bitey". Of course they are bitey!! What does he expect? With exception of the 1st 2 weeks or so, they have been so devoid of human affection. They are probably unused to being handled by humans and all. Plus, did I ever mention that Ben hits the rabbits? When I say "hit", I don't mean a small tap on the behind... itz an all out smack on their backsides when they snap at his fingers. I couldn't help it but remind him that I've warned him about all the trouble b4 he even got them. He gave the lameass excuse saying that his friends rabbits don't poo and pee that much - and that they won't cause a mess even if they are allowed to run free in the house. Well, he isn't in his friend's house 24/7, he won't know the entire story.

Ben is just a lousy pet owner, on top of everything else. Period.

Much as I pity the rabbits, I am relieved of the fact that they are finally going away, coz, it means I no longer have to shoulder part of the responsibility that wasn't mine to begin with. I resent having to feed the rabbits, filling up their water bottles, and even helping Mr. Asshole clean up the play pen. Ben still had the cheek to suggest that I sell a couple of my mice on the Internet ~ as there are way too many to handle. That option, no way. I'll take care of them. Heck, I've been paying for their food all along, so whatz the big deal about it being a financial burden to him? But I won't take care of his rabbits. Period.

I wonder when is the dog gonna leave as well. One mth became 2 mths and it just seems to be a permanant fixture. *sigh* Frankly, I don't like the idea of keeping a dog in a playpen for the entire day. They should have the space & freedom to roam around. But Lacky just can't be trusted with a free rein of the house - he'll ending up pissing on the carpet and chewing my PS2 wires into bits. Speaking about chewing... I hope the rabbits don't do much dmg to my PS2 - they have been escaping on a daily basis, jumping out of the glass tank (duh I did tell Ben that it won't be enuff to contain them in but he doesn't believe me, as usual). I can't afford to replace anything rite now.

Well... at the end of the day, morale of the story: Ben has to go. Somehow.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:05

Thursday, March 02, 2006


Just For Laughs (snorts)

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"

She replies, "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me with another woman."

The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady. Not even if he is cheating on you with another woman."

So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realise you had a prescription."

Shady self-destructed @ 11:58


Thursday. Yet another tuition day. I hate giving tuition to this kid. But I can't give up on this assignment as I need the cash desperately. I've done calculations over the past few days. Even if I scrimp & save, I have barely enough to get by, after contributing to the home, paying off my personal bills/loans & insurance premium. I allocated a minimal budget for meals ($200), transport ($120) & cigarettes ($150). But that will leave me almost nothing for entertainment. Which means, no games, no movies, no pigging out at buffets... etc. That is alredi the "best scenario", assuming that I receive my maximum take home pay. If I happen to fall sick, thatz it. I wouldn't have enuff to survive the nxt mth. The extra $150 from tuition will only make things slightly easier.

I think I will quit smoking.

In the meantime, if anyone has a part-time evening/weekend job lobang, pls let me know. Am willing to consider... even if it means further cutting down my gaming hours & sleeping time. *sigh* I wonder how much longer can my physical self hold out. Am auto-piloting on sheer willpower rite now. I have no idea when will I break down.

Hmmm the gahmen is giving out $ on 1st May? Well. I appreciate the handout. But I just know itz gonna be gone in a very short time, and by the nxt mth, things will return to how they used to be. I didn't even bother to calculate how much I'll be getting. Eh, since the gahmen has such a huge budget, I believe more ppl will appreciate it if they spend the budget elsewhere - lowering oil prices, lowering transport costs, lowering electricity costs... etc. The one time cash is just something to make ppl happy for a short period of time (to allow ppl to forget the unhappiness that price hikes bring) - does nth in the long run. It doesn't change the fact that the high cost of living in Singapore is smothering many in the lower income bracket. Fathers are struggling to put food on the table & mothers have to get a job to supplement the family's combined income, at the expense of the kids at home.

Itz really sad to see how the demands of society have shattered the "ideal" family scenario. But thatz another topic, for another day. In the meantime...

Shame to those who earn 3k a mth & are struggling to make ends meet. They are the "middle income group" who have been making noise about this cash handout... giving tons of excuses as to why they need the cash. Those ppl should quit bitching as itz their lousy budgeting that got them to the way they are this day. If they think that having a higher no. of dependants warrant them to a higher payout, I'll just have to say - who the blazes asked u to be horny & fuck every night, producing so many children? Ever heard of birth control... you know, C-O-N-D-O-M-S? My dad used to be the sole breadwinner, and he's only taking home like 2k+ back then. My family of 4 still survived w/o much problems! *rolles eyes* The thing I really don't understand is, why is the gahmen giving payouts to even those on the higher end of life? Those earning 5-figure sums and living in private apartments & condominiums. Use the $ given to them for other things lah... as mentioned about.

Lower the cost of living, and ppl will be appreciative on the long term. Like the saying goes. Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach the man to fish, and you've fed him for a lifetime. I know, you know what I mean :P

Ugh, since when did I get all concerned about those kinda stuff?! LOL, think I've been reading too many papers during my lunch break. Gah, I should avoid media.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:22

Wednesday, March 01, 2006



Watched "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory" over a dinner of homemade pasta, campbell's creamy chicken & mushroom soup and a plateful of potato wedges. Unexpectedly, the movie brought tears to my eyes. Perhaps itz the nostalgia of it all. I still recall reading the original novel by Roald Dahl when I was like... 8 years old? It really brings back memories, watching the scenes on the computer. The very scenes that once played in my imagination. The river & waterfall of chocolate, the oompa loompas, the glass elevator... etc. The ending of the movie was different, but it was a cool way to end. I wouldn't want a sequeal !! Charlie & The Great Glass Elevator sucked big time. I wouldn't wanna watch that!!!

10/10 - for the memories

Shady self-destructed @ 22:45


Interesting. The Nohari Window. Got it thru's Shivak's blog & decided to open one of my own. Hmmm the options are kinda restricted though - I would definitely click more than 5-6 of the words to pinpoint my weaknesses. Gahhh I just have so many. Talk about imperfection. Anyway, do it, and let me know what you think. I won't hate you.


ShaDy's Nohari Window

Shady self-destructed @ 11:14


WTF ?! $#^*$(~ I went to feed Harry this morning, and what did I see in his "litter tray"? Shrooms!! Goodness. I am starting to wonder, how long did Ben leave all that crap there. And he's complaining about the flies around the house - that bite him and cause irritation on the skin. Now u know where the flies originate from? Another cause will be the hamster cages. *sigh* How many million times must I tell him that the plastic connectors & extensions are the ones accumulating pee & poop? He simply ignores the problem and hopes it goes away. Think I'm gonna just remove them when I get home. The stench & dampness is getting unbearable. Gotta dedicate this weekend to my pet safari - cleaning up & changing their bedding. Pfffttt... with or without that idiot's help.

The shrooms

Speaking of ignoring problems & hoping it disappears, I wonder what happened to the roach I saw last nite, crawling on the wall. I told Ben to go smack it... but he was too afraid to do so. I went to the kitchen to get the spray, and he didn't bother to keep and eye on it. When I returned, it was gone. I wonder where it flew to. I just hope itz not hiding in some stuffed toy of mine. Too many crevices & dark corners in the home. Aaarghhh a spring cleaning is due. I foresee an energy-consuming weekend.

Was dragged along to look at cars last nite, at Tagore Lane. I didn't have a choice. Ben only told me when he appeared at the carpark after I finished wrk. Both of them should just GET REAL. They want something decent looking, price range around 16-18k, monthly installments about $200+ and w/o cash upfront. Eh, is that possible? Bladerdash if you ask me. *sigh* Ben keeps claiming that Eric is the one who is desperate for a car. Judging from his actions & reactions... Ben is equally despo. I don't understand their mindset. They are almost willing to settling for anything... so as long it meets their budget.

On the other hand, I'd rather spend a few years saving up to get something I really want. Been settling for "also-can" for too long alredi (ie. Ben). If I gonna get a car, I would want something Right. That applies to anything else I'm gonna get in future, be it another job, a computer upgrade, a new bf... etc. "Also-cans" are simply a waste of time, energy & $ !!

...

There's gonna be a new staff joining nxt Monday. Some guy called Gabriel. He came for the interivew yesterday morning and guess what? He signed the contract on the spot too! I overheard the fact that he's gonna be paid a gross of merely 1.4k after confirmation. Hmm I wonder if he's working a 5-day or 6-day week (considering that there are plans to close the schools on Sundays & the girl who's working on Sun will be coming over on Sat instead). If it's 5-day week for him, then it wouldn't be much of a difference with my pay. If it's 6-day, then itz really exploitation. I wonder how long will it take for him to regret that he ever signed a contract with a stupid company. Hmm... I wonder how long is he gonna be bound for. 2 years? Or shorter? As you probably realise after reading my posts... this company doesn't have a standard operation procedure - that applies for hiring staff too. Different staff, different conditions, different benefits.

To hell with the School !!!

Shady self-destructed @ 09:44






.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page



Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.

In Progress

  • Dark Cloud 2
  • Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
  • Kingdom Hearts
  • Kingdom Hearts II
  • Wild Arms 3

In Queue

  • Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
  • Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
  • Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
  • Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
  • Dark Cloud
  • Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
  • Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
  • Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
  • Final Fantasy X
  • Final Fantasy X-2
  • Final Fantasy XII
  • Grandia III
  • Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
  • Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
  • Persona 3
  • Rogue Galaxy
  • Rule of Rose
  • Shadow Hearts: Covenant
  • Shadow Hearts: From The New World
  • Shining Force Neo
  • Silent Hill 3
  • Silent Hill 4: The Room
  • Soul Cradle [Jap]
  • Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
  • Suikoden IV
  • Suikoen V
  • Tales of the Abyss
  • Wild Arms Alter Code: F
  • Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

  • Ar tonelico II [?]
  • Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
  • Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
  • Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
  • Digimon World Data Squad
  • Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
  • Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
  • Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
  • Drakengard
  • Drakengard 2
  • Dual Hearts
  • Elvandia Story [?]
  • Ephemeral Fantasia
  • Eternal Ring
  • Evergrace
  • Forever Kingdom
  • Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
  • Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
  • Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
  • Growlanser Generations
  • Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
  • Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
  • Jade Cocoon 2
  • Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
  • Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
  • Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
  • MS Saga: A New Dawn
  • Musashi Samurai Legend
  • Odin Sphere
  • Okage: Shadow King
  • Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
  • Radiata Stories
  • RPG Maker 2 [?]
  • RPG Maker 3 [?]
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
  • Shining Force Exa
  • Shining Wind [?]
  • Shining Tears
  • Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
  • Steambot Chronicles
  • Summoner
  • Summoner 2
  • Tales of Destiny [?]
  • Tales of Destiny II [?]
  • Tales of Legendia
  • Tales of Rebirth [?]
  • Tales of Symphonia [?]
  • The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
  • Tsugunai: Atonement
  • Unlimited Saga
  • Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
  • Wild Arms 5 [?]
  • Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
  • Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
  • Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
  • .hack//Infection Part 1
  • .hack//Mutation Part 2
  • .hack//Outbreak Part 3
  • .hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

  • Grandia II
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
  • Legend of Legia II
  • Shadow Hearts
  • Silent Hill 2
  • Suikoden III

Trash Bin

  • 7 Sins
  • Urbz: Sims in The City
  • Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...


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