Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I hate my life. When I'm free & itching to go for a movie, no one else seems to be -.-" 3 movies in the cinemas that are on my to watch list rite now - Brokeback Mountain, Final Destination 3 and Underworld: Evolution. Will count myself lucky if I managed to watch at least one in the theatre. Judging the way things are going... I might have to watch all of them on my PC. Hmm if I can only choose one for the cinema, I'll go for FD3. Why? Basically itz a thriller that is dependant on sound effect & mood setting. It'll definitely suck big time if I watch it on my tiny screen using cheap speakers. Brokeback is a BAFTA award bagger. But I sincerely doubt that movie has much screen & sound effects to boast about... so I might still be able to live with it at home. Ah well... I might just go watch one alone after wrk tml.

Shady self-destructed @ 21:08

Phew !!~! I finally received my diving license in the mail last nite. It was dated 1st October 2005. Funny... I don't remember the Tioman trip being that recent. It should be sometime in 2004 instead. Ah well, doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm finally a certified open water diver!! Heh, I don't forsee any dive trips in the recent future though - due to a budget problem. Shucks. Fishermen Scuba is organising one to P. Tinggi 10-12 March. *sigh* Even if I had the money, who the hell am I gonna go with? Itz difficult when u don't have friends who share certain "hobbies". Perhaps I should go look for new ones?

Friendship websites allow one to place ads for activity partners... but unfortunately, the only responses that u'll ever get are those either sexually desperate (ie. looking for flings... etc.) or those just desperate to "widen their social circle" (of female friends). Gah, I should start checking out specialised forums instead. The mIRC is proven hopeless.

Finally managed to get Ben sit down, and devised a budget plan that he agreed upon last nite after tuition. The deal is, he forks out $650 for the flat a mth and I contribute $450. That'll cover all the loans, bills and misc stuff we spend on the home. The remainder of the pay is our own business. Hmmm I wonder why is he that ready to bear the larger portion of the payments. Does he think that he'll get a bigger share of the house after we divorce? Come to think of it, he might be entitled to a larger portion, but I'm not letting go w/o a fight. Pffttt anyway after some calculations, itz gonna be uber tight for me every mth. I simply can't give up the tuition asignment, much as I wish to. Will try working out a budget for myself later tonite. *shakes head* I really do need a better paying job if I wanna start saving.

Will be on uber tight budget for the rest of this year I suppose. Scrimping & saving & watching everything I do. Itz gonna take loads of discipline. But looking on the bright side, at least itz all for myself... and no one else ^-^ No longer would it be me saving & he spending. At least there's something to account for at the end of the day.

Maybe I'll quit smoking.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:12

Monday, February 27, 2006

*shakes head* Itz Monday again - the start of yet another week. Itz amazing how Sunday passes that quickly. Hell, I didn't even get much done !!~! Vacuumed the floor, folded & ironed the laundry, completed Chris's Chapter 3, got to the middle of Geddoe's Chapter 3 & managed to graduate 2 sims frm university (they were in their last semster anyway, so it didn't take too much time). Dinner was decent. It was tom yam soup with stir fry vegetables & rice. At times I wonder, if itz the food thatz keeping me in this r/s... he certainly can cook much better than my mom can... not to mention, in larger portions too -.-"

I didn't watch Brokeback Mountain like I wished. *sigh* the entire mood was ruined by a particular grouchy pouchy @ home. He woke up late (almost 5pm), called Eric. After that conversation, he was sulking all the way in the hall, starring blankly at the TV screen. Well, what do u expect frm someone who has NO hobbies? They were supposed to go view cars yesterday - and he was intending to purchase a Mazda 323 on the spot... but apparently, Eric decided to fly a plane & he was unhappy.

Speaking about purchase of a car, I should be the one who's real sore about it all. Sat nite, went over to his parents place to eat some crabs. His nosey, bitchy, full-of-herself, sister was there. Not to mention, she had an entire chunk of "advice" to dish out, regarding taking loans and all. I just can't shrug the fact that she's trying to "hao lian" the fact that she & her husband didn't take up any loans or watsoever when it comes to getting her flat. Like there is much to boast about in the 1st place - itz just another normal 4 rm flat, in Queenstown area. Gahhh seems like sensless boasting runs in the family. But thatz besides the point.

The part that made me pissed off was, when she asked if I was willing to be a guarantor for Ben. My immediate answer is NO. She had loads to say about it. Claiming that if her husband was the one with such a reaction, he'll get a piece of her mind... yadda yadda. By then, I was barely listening to her, munching on the crab instead & reading the Reader's Digest I brough along with me. Frankly, if he did give me a piece of her mind, she'll be getting more than she bargained for, from me. I'll simply tell her not to stick her pointy nose into my personal decisions. Besides... yah, so what if Ben is my husband? I gotta get into further financial debt becoz of this? C'mon. Would you jump into a bottomless pit just coz ur partner jumps in? Any rational person w/o make that kinda suicidal move. Bottom line: none of her business.

There is a limit to everything, and Ms. Cindy Ngo should learn to shut the fuck up before I lose my patience at her. Ms. smarty pants.

Anyway, I had a great dinner on Sat. Went back to Bugis after wrk, and dad brought the family (minus bro, who wasn't home) to Jack's Place. There I had Jack's Special Steak [oooohhhh tenderloin] + my fave lobster bisque soup. The only shame was that I had a tummy rumble at the end of the meal and skipped the banana split desert. I wanted to eat the bananas, if nt the strawberry ice cream. lol. Heh heh I mentioned Pariss buffet restaurant to my parents and I daresay they were pretty tempted about whatz being offered. Perhaps we'll be going there for a feast next mth ^-^ Yeah I feel kinda guilty about spending my parents $ but I swear I'm gonna make it up in the near future. Well... was intending to spend the weekend at Bugis but I forgot to pack my "necessities" (ie. Suikoden III, memory card & cross stitch kit) in the morning as I was running late, hence I didn't. This weekend perhaps.

Hmmm read this article on Reader's Digest last nite, regarding certain stuff in the home that can be used to cure common ailments. This particular item - epsom salt might be worth a try on my foot, considering that it can reduce tissue swelling & improve blood circulation. A footsoak might do me good. The only task left now is... to obtain it. I did a quick check on the Internet. Epsom salt = magnesium sulphate. Ookie, where can I get it besides the science lab? Another item that I'm willing to try is aloe vera. Anyone can tell me where to obtain aloe vera seeds or watever? I dun mind growing it at home since apparently "it thrives on neglect". LOL. Anyway am gonna test out other of the "cures" that was mentioned in the article... including cammomile to reduce the effects of stress. Ah well... even if those methods don't work, I seriously doubt itz gonna make me worse than I alredi am :P

Then again, maybe some lifestyle adjustments are in due too.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:50

Saturday, February 25, 2006

*yawn* Another boring Saturday. In the office with nth much to do. As usual, am on mIRC chatting with morons. And as usual... the chats start the same way.

Moron: Hi, intro pls
FrozenGa: 25
Moron: 26/m/ch/sg
FrozenGa: k
Moron: Wat u wrk as?
FrozenGa: admin related
Moron: Where u stay?
FrozenGa: Bt Panjang
Moron: k
Moron: me Jurong
Moron: wats your hobby?
FrozenGa: gaming
Moron: me movies, clubbing, coffee
Moron: u attached?
FrozenGa: yah
Moron: ht / wt?
FrozenGa: confidential info
Moron: care to meet up later?
FrozenGa: for what?
Moron: movie and coffee
FrozenGa: no

[Basically the chat ends here - but most oftenly it doesn't even proceed this far]

Hmm... I wonder, why do I still keep logging on to mIRC? Gahhh!! Can't this retarded computer do anything else? Well... I could play Neopets, but itz annoying to have to alt+tab when I'm like in the midst of a game. I could respond to emails, but I do so pretty much every morning liaox. I could blog... but for how long? *shrugx* Thatz it, am getting bored. Am logging outta the stupid chat program. There are just waaaay too many losers out there and I don't those in MY life. How pathetic can one get? Being so bored that he has to ask a stranger out on a weekend night? Goodness... l0ser.

Ah well... didn't go to Pariss last nite. But Ben didn't meet Eric either. Eventually, steamboat & BBQ at Marina South was all we could afford. I blew alot on lunch yesterday though, gave into temptation at Yoshinoya ($8.10) and bought a magazine at $6. Am feeling kinda guilty after it all. *sigh* But I still gotta pamper myself once in a while yah? Ah well things should change for the better... considering tat we'll be splitting our bank accounts. Itz ookie that I've gotta tap into my stash to survive another 3 weeks before my pay comes in. It should be better for the long term. At least, after this 3 weeks, I won't be broke again. Hopefully.

Hmmm just went thru' my handphone list, and cleared alot of numbers outta the memory. Itz amazing, where do all these ppl come frm? Acquaintances I know. But I dun even remember who the hell they are and under what circumstances do I remember them! LOLx, of coz, those are the ones who are deleted... also ppl whom I know I'll probably never speak to ever again. They don't call me, I don't call them either. So why is their contact in my phone taking up space? hahahah. There is another Ben on my contact list - another fuckup. He borrowed my SDK cds and never returned it. Not only that, he's now uncontactable, not responding to SMSes... etc. F**k. People like that will get retribution. If u borrow for a long time, but still remain in contact, okay lah. u borrow and disappear. KNN.

I wonder what am I gonna do tonite. Hopefully complete Chris Chapter 3 and with luck, Geddoe's Chapter 3 as well.

Pfffttt just had another round of ppl pissing me off. I should get outta this kinda customer svc job scope siahx. Is there any job that doesn't require me to interact with anyone on a regular basis? Fuck. I'll send a resume to the local hospitals and ask them if they need a mortuary attendant. Night shift. At least dead ppl don't ask stupid questions & speak incoherently. Dead ppl wouldn't ask u to repeat what u said more than once either. It just pushes my buttons when ppl don't fucking listen. What are ears for then? Idiots.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:23

Friday, February 24, 2006

Itz another sleepy morning. Friday the 24th. Hmmm know what? Itz officially a year since I made the biggest mistake of my life. It wasn't Monday (I got the dates mixed up... thinking that Monday was the 24th - and I only realised it after I posted... edited the post tha nxt day). It's today. Itz the ROM anniversay. Also my death anniversary. The death of who that was Me. Perhaps I should organise a funeral or something.

Ben promised that we will be going down to Pariss in the evening for dinner, then we'll go catch a movie - probably Final Destination 3. But guess what? Itz just yet another promise to be broken. Last nite, he promised Eric that he'll be gg down to Ubi to view cars with him. I just know I'm the one who's gonna be left in the rut - he'll SMS/call me later in the afternoon telling me that his ship was "delayed", so I gotta settle dinner by myself... etc. Thankfully I didn't look forward to anything this time. I've grown past that stage as everything he does or say are rubbish. I am merely a "backup plan" for him. If he doesn't have any other activity, he'll go out or stay home with me.

I think I'm just gonna go back to Bugis for the night. I SMSed Prae last nite, asking if he could make it for dinner... but on 2nd thoughts, forgeddit. I won't have the mood to do so. Besides, I forgot to bring the VCDs with me this morning. Also... I don't wanna make it seem as if he is a backup plan. Am gonna just live with myself this time.

Work isn't doing fine either. I am so totally sick & tired of hounding this particular Habib from BMC. Unfortunately, according to the receptionist, there is no one else I can speak to regarding science practical lessons. I've been waiting for him to forward me a schedule since last mth and he hasn't done so. Now, the fucknut of a Principal is on my case - and keeps asking me to "chase" him for it. What the fuck am I supposed to do when ppl keep making empty promsies? I can't go down personally to grab him and beat the shit outta him, can I? I wouldn't mind doing that awrite!!! SO GET THE FUCK OFF MY CASE!!!

*mumbles* Male creatures simply SUCK BIG TIME. Ben, Habib... and all the other fuckups who don't see their promises thru. Why do I encounter such people frm time to time? Can't they just FUCK OFF to Neptune or somewhere further? Pffftttt itz a bad day. I just know it. [Come to think of it, since when did I ever have a good day?]

Shady self-destructed @ 09:04

Thursday, February 23, 2006

KNNBCCB. I am fucking pissed off rite now. Just got deprived of a proper lunch & not to mention, relentless phone calls. Doesn't anyone understand the fact that if a person doesn't answer the phone a 2nd time, it means that the person is BUSY and there is absolutely NO NEED to keep calling? Oh yah... I forgot. That bitch is from China. I doubt she's ever been educated properly in terms of social behaviour. I really pray that not all Mainlanders behave that way. If they do, there is not much point in the country opening their doors, is there? The world doesn't need an influx of ppl the likes of Mdm Ji.

I went for lunch at 1:15pm. Was in the midst of having my food. Then came the phone call. Apparently some customer decided to pick an inappropirate time to appear - approximately 1:35pm (I don't blame the customer though - ignorance is excusable), and she couldn't do shit about it coz she doesn't comprehend what the other party was talking about. Hence she called my mobile. The 1st time I answered, I told her tat I was still eating & that I'll finish up and come over. Even b4 5min passed, my phone rang... and rang... and RANG. Goddamnit. I was having seafood soup for gawds sake!!~! Am I supposed to just forsake my lunch & get back to work? Hell NO!!! Besides, how fast can a person drink soup? I had a drink with me as well. Am I supposed to finish all that in a second and RUN all the way back to the office? C'mon. This is just plain unresonable behavior. Ain't it ridiculous enuff that my break is only 45min? Oh, and I've gotta wrk till 6pm ookie!!~! Fucking shit.

Had a note left in my drawer earlier, telling me to clean up the classrooms b4 I leave for the day. What... am I cleaner now?! Hello this was certainly NOT mentioned in my job scope b4 I signed the fucking contract. Plus that bitch always has things to say during the last half hr of the day... not to mention, additional things to do. There are 3 classrooms here. Am I supposed to stay behind and clear them till 7pm b4 I can leave? These people need a mentality check. Eh I don't give a shit if they sack me for this. I don't care how it looks on my resume anymore. If they do terminate me for this shit, I'm gonna sue their ass off I swear.

Now, someone tell me that I still have the energy to handle a divorce. Period.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:53

I finally got down to booking for my FTT. 10.04.2006, 11:45am. Fuck it, am gonna take leave to attend. I can't possibly wait forever for a session 8. Will be applying for my PDL on the same day, and hopefully start practical lessons real soon. Kinda regret not booking an earlier date the day I passed my BTT. Gahhh are that many ppl applying for a license? Itz barely the end of Feb and the earliest date is actually the 4th of April? Well I opted for the 10th, coz itz a Monday - so I would have a "longer" weekend. Ben seems to be pushing me to get a license. I believe he'll use that to his advantage - to persuade me into getting & paying for a car. He can seriously dream on. I ain't gonna budge till all loans are repaid.

Went home for dinner last nite and once again parents are pushing me to file a divorce. *shakes head* Seriously my life hath become something of a drama serial. I feel as if I am supposed to be accountable to everyone for what I do. I know, itz concern. But ehhh can someone let me do things at my own pace? Yah I am a procrastinator. SO WHAT? I've been that way since I was a kid - ppl nag at me to study... etc. I still don't. And look, I did pass my O Levels, didn't I? Pfftttt guess thatz the way life is. Ppl push, comment & push somemore. The only time they'll shut up is when results are out.

Ah well, nvm. Doesn't matter. It ain't that huge an issue anyway. *yawn* Once again I had a late nite - was doing my cross stitch & didn't notice how quickly time flies. Shoot. I've got tuition again tonite. Aarrgghhhh I hate going to tuition. That kid is, well, a piece of shit. She doesn't even put in an ounce of effort into her studies, and when she gets poor grades... eh it reflects on me loh. Itz not as if I didn't ask her to study. I can repeat a single point more than 5x, and she'll still forget it eventually. Kids like that are wasting their parents' $. I simply feel like telling her parents that itz pointless for me coming to "teach" her when 3/4 of the time, she isn't even listening to begin with. But. I need the extra cash. So am just gonna shut up and sit thru' the 1 1/2hrs twice a week.

Hmmm I'm always spending the 1st few minutes of the day on mIRC, it seems. In the office, that seems to be the easiest way to make time fly by w/o my notice. However, it sux that the 2 assholes are always coming in early now. The average time a chat lasts, 10 lines. Boring ppl flooding the cyberspace. kk, am gone. One asshole just arrived.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:23

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Wednesday. And I'm exhausted. No matter how I try, I just don't seem to get enough sleep every night. The working hours are just simply - too long. Seriously lah... who the fuck works 9.5hrs every single f**king day for 6 days a week? I wonder what long-term impact will this have on my health. No breakfast, no definite lunch hour, no definite dinner time & approximately 6hrs of sleep on a regular night. My visual organ is alredi showing the strain of it all - my eyesight seems to be getting from bad to worse and at times, it is difficult to focus on a single object... vision simply clouds up. Is that due to a lack of rest or the starring at the computer for like what? 8hrs outta those goddamned 9.5?

I hope such effects are not permanent. I wouldn't wanna go blind. Thatz one of the most horrible things that can happen to anyone. Those who are born blind should just... be euthanised - to spare them a pathetic existence on this planet. Come to think of it, "defected" babies shouldn't even be born. I know I may sound mean & harsh, but isn't it the survival of the fittest out there? A retarded child will only be a burden to the family. A handicapped child will never lead a normal life. Hmm if you think I am being cruel - think again. To allow someone to live w/o ever being able to live fully - that is humane? Well, perhaps its easy for me to say, as I was born physically normal & I never had a child. If it was me in that situation, will I be able to hold on to my beliefs? Probably. Maybe. Perhaps.

I am definitely the kind of person who would pull a plug on a loved one if he/she is beyond any logical hope. Why prolong another person's suffering just to satisfy your own selfishness? It is an extremely difficult decision to make, but it has to be done. No one should be this self-centered. If another person wants to die, let him/her do so with ur blessings. Trust me, you will wish the same if you are in that kinda predicament.

Hmmm come to think of it, I think I've blogged about this matter once before. Am not too sure if the post managed to be published or did IE crash at yet another inappropirate moment. Anyway, it doesn't matter. If I've said it... I'll say it again.

Blah, the principal just edited data on a student pass application form. Now, not everything stated on the form is true, as declared... and the poor student has absolutely no idea of what happened. I wonder - is such action legal? Itz apparent that this isn't the 1st time he's being doing it... in order to improve the student's chances of being granted a student pass. Of coz, he'll be in deep shit if the student pass wasn't approved as the student has alredi commenced classes @ school. Besides all fees have been paid & it'll be a hassle doing a refund... etc. That, again, is against the law. Itz stated clearly on the ICA website as well as the application form that students are not supposed to study w/o a student pass (unless it's a short term course that can be completed during their social visa duration).

Itz weird. The Singapore govt. has so many strict rules & regulations, but it seems that there are ways to "go about" the blockage. Hmm... a reason might be that the govt. is so confident that no one will ever break the laws. They allowed this complacency to evolve to the extent that checks simply aren't conducted. Those are the cracks of the wall. Another reason might be that those rules & regulations are never meant to be enforced in the 1st place. They are there merely to serve as a "formality". In that case, I really have no idea wth they wanna prove to the world out there.

Anyway, the ICA isn't the only govt. organisation that is, from my point of view, negligent.

The AVA is another fuck up. I've sent them an email regarding the condition of animals that are put for sale at certain pet stores in Serangoon Nth. They responded, telling me that they will look into the matter. My other forum mates have made a report as well - so I am not alone. The letter was sent months ago. Till now, the condition of the pet stores @ Serangoon Nth hasn't changed for the better. Animals are still being kept in disatisfactory conditions. Obviously underaged animals are still being sold. Which leads me to the million dollar question - what the fuck has the AVA been doing? Did they merely send a letter of warning to the pet stores involved, and that's it? Never bothered to conduct follow-ups? In that case... why the fuck did they come out with all those rules in the 1st place? Another formality?

Plus there is an issue about home breeders in Singapore. They are supposedly breaking the law. But hmmm... what has AVA done about it? NOTHING!!! Those breeders are still blatantly posting sales on pet forums, classifieds & local auction sites. If you don't believe me, just search for "hamsters" on Yahoo! Auctions. Isn't it obvious enough that people who always have a supply of pets must be doing some form of breeding at home?

Speaking of which - this situation isn't only limited to the Singapore govt. Local auction sites are doing absolutely nothing about users posting live animals up on sale... despite stating clearly in the terms & conditions that it is not supposed to be. Even after I made a report using Neighbourhood watch on Yahoo! Auctions, no action is taken. Eventually the sellers closed the thread on their own accord. On ebay, the problem is existent, not that that bad.

So tell me, isn't it better if we subscribe to anarchy? I am not even gonna bother going into the ridiculous things going on at the HDB blocks - litter on the floors, pee in the lift, smokers carrying a lighted cigarette into the lifts, noise pollution... etc. Hmmm I wonder why do people not speak up regarding this matter... is everyone too afraid of the govt. that they become muted? Or is everyone simply lazy like me. Just look at the New Paper forum. Day in and out, people are complaining about trival matters - matters that can be settled if you simply wrote a complaint letter to the private organisation involved ie. poor service in a F&B outlet, rude taxi drivers (alot of those it seems!)... yadda yadda. Alot of trival stuff, if you ask me.

Then WHY haven't I wrote a letter to the press yet? Ah well... I'll leave it to your imagination to determine the reasons. Am I having my tail between my legs, or am I simply lazy.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:20

Monday, February 20, 2006

Had another talk with that asshole last nite, after he returned from "coffee" at 3:30am. Spoke to him about household finance & his unreasonable behavior. This time, he was doing most of the talking. As usual, he pushed all the blame to me... attributing my lifestyle & my character to everything that he has done. Fine. I am always wrong.

I don't deserve anything in the 1st place.

I don't deserve friends. Coz I allow friendships to just fade away when I got attached... and especially after I moved to Bt Panjang, I barely contacted anyone anymore. I only contacted them when there was a need to, ie. when I needed help. I never gave much back in return. I focused too much time & energy on the r/s & the godforsaken home that I forgot what was important to me. Eventually those friends moved on. Itz my fault.

I don't deserve my husband's time. Coz I don't have a live. I'm boring. The minute I come home, I turn on the computer and stay there for almost the rest of the nite. If I'm not at the PC, I'll be working on my cross stitch. I have no activities planned... hence, husband has no choice but to go out with his friends. Fine. MY fault again.

I don't deserve a guy's love & attention. Coz I am not pretty. And I never bothered to dress up. Face it. Guys like pretty girls. Female fatales get guys falling at their feet, giving in to their every single whim. I am short, flabby & boyish. Not to mention, I am not gentle... neither am I demure. I am not the weak little woman who hangs on to every single word her man utters & never questions his actions. Yep, once again itz ME who is the problem.

I don't deserve a well-paying job. Coz I eat snake all the time, and I never put in 100% effort in anything I do. I don't have initiative, and though I get tasks completed all the time, I never did anything "extra". I question my bosses decisions & actions. I am too honest for my own good. I was never good in sucking up. *nod nod* You've got it. My fault.

So yeah, that means he's actually doing me a favor all this while - by granting me his mere presence in the house the times that he is home. Oh yeah, that really makes sense... doesn't it? Is he telling me that he doesn't know this is the way I've always been since day 1? Does he think that things will change after marriage (like I thought he would)? Hah. What a joke. After all this while, I am nothing betta than a pitiful creature who doesn't deserve anything good in life. Know what? All I ever wanted was a partner in life. Note: a partner, not a dictator. Guess I simply wished upon the wrong falling star.

Oh wait a minute... WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS? SOME KINDA SUPERSTAR? SOME ALL IMPORTANT GUY WHOM EVERY WOMAN WANTS? FUCKING HELL, GET REAL!! IF I DON'T DESERVE ALL THIS, HE JOLLY WELL DOESN'T EITHER!!! I AM NO LONGER GONNA PUT IN EVEN AN OUNCE OF ENERGY INTO IMPROVING THE R/S AND GETTING THE HOME GOING. IF HE THINKS I HAVE NO LIFE, FINE!!! THIS IS MY LIFE. I DON'T HAVE TO LEAD IT THE WAY HE WANTS IT. IF HE DOESN'T LIKE IT. OKAY. GO OUT WITH HIS BELOVED JACKY THEN. I JUST HOPE HE KNOWS THAT I WON'T BE AROUND FOR MUCH LONGER.

AARGGGHHH WHY THE FUCK DOES THE STUPID LOUT OF A PRINCPAL IN THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING? FUCKING SHIT. ITZ GONNA BE A BAD BAD DAY - I JUST KNOW IT IN MY BONES. I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP DAMNIT.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:23

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Don't think I'll be creating the virtual graveyard afterall. Have removed that item frm the to-do list. Why? Uhh yeah I am fucking lazy. Thatz one reason. Another reason is, I don't have the tools in my current computer to create a webby & my brain is devoid of creative juices to create one frm scratch using html. I logged in, and decided against it. Guess my web creating days are over. lol, the last time I did tinker with my website is like what... a year ago? Illusions of a Fallen Angel Here it is if u wish to take a look at it. Pathetic, I know. I just never had the motivation to further investigate web-creation. I admire those who rock in it though!

Gahhhh Liverpool 1 Man Utd 0. The media kept harping on the fact that Liverpool never beaten Man Utd in an FA Cup match since what... 1921? Goodness, I believe most ppl would lay their bets on Liverpool. It was an interesting goal by Crouch, that followed a nice save by van der Saar. Anyway, I shall not comment abt the match further.

D-U-H why do losers keep getting into my life? This dude, Slash (goddamnit, he has to ruin Slash's great name), sent me a message on Friendster, saying that he hopes to meet up with me soon. WTH? Are ppl that desperate that they surf around the profiles of others & contact their friends? Hell... he isn't even a 2nd degree friend to begin with. Oh, btw, since when do I play DOTA? I don't know what breed of humans rank higher on the "pathetic" scale - the kind who is stuck in a relationship that goes no where & doesn't have the determination to get outta it [aka. me], the kind who is desperate just to meet others of the opposite gender [aka. Slash & other mIRC faggots], or the kind who places retarded looking pictures of themselves on friendster, thinking that they look cute. I shall not go into details. Anyway, since I am logged in, might as well do a little clearing of my list - just realised that there are some strangers around who doesn't even have a proper profile. Goodness. How did those end up on my list?

Aaargghhh Lacky is scratching on my chair. *kicks*

Why isn't he going back to Teck Whye yet? Gahh!! Of coz, by now I've alredi given up hope that Ben can actually mean what he say. He came home late last nite - thankfully it was after the Liverpool Vs Man Utd match, or I wouldn't have gotten the opportunity to watch it. He came home clutching information about a Mistubishi Lancer that someone put up for sale online. Was trying to persuade me to agree into getting it. Well... I know he'll eventually do what he wants to do at the end of the day, but at least I won't be involved in the payments if I didn't agree to getting it in the 1st place. Words are just wasted on this guy. I keep talking him outta it, and he keeps coming back for more. I really think my energy is much better spent elsewhere (eg. job hunting, gaming). Pffftt....

Then this morning, was rudely awakened by his handfone ringing again. Gosh, I do really have to go back to Bugis for the weekend if I want my well-deserved rest. Now the prick is taking a nap - itz relatively peaceful here. However, he's going out for dinner with Eric later. Thatz just so typical of him. They jio, he goes... w/o even discussing it with me. Ah well... I know u will say that I should be used to that by now. Yeah thatz an expected move on his part, but it doesn't make it less irritating. Fucking piece of shit.

Well. Royal Rumble 2006 was spectacular. Just look at the matches lined up. The main event for the championship - Kurt Angle Vs Mark Henry. If I gotta judge those 2 athletes, on a scale of 10, their stats should be something like this...

Kurt Angle
Str: 7
Vit: 7
Agi: 6
Dex: 9
Int: 8
Cha: 5

Mark Henry
Str: 10
Vit: 8
Agi: 4
Dex: 3
Int: 1
Cha: 1

[Warning: Praetor, pls stop reading here - if u are reading, that is - coz I'm gonna lend u the vcds sometime this week.]

Ah well, the match didn't last as long as I expected, though the result was as predicted. The other championship match was featuring Edge Vs John Cena... yet another predictable result. The match didn't contain much action though. Will not bother to go into those 2's stats. Anyhow, I believe that the highlight of the evening was the Royal Rumble. 30 superstars, every man for himself, going for a title shot at Wrestlemania!!~!

Awesome!!! Rey Mysterio is the no. 1 contender for the World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania!!~! Oh manx... he really did defy the odds, didn't he? He entered the ring at No. 2, and managed to eliminate Triple H (no. 1) and Randy Orton (no. 31). Considering his size, I was kinda surprised that he even managed to last tat long. Of coz, there are many other moments to remember - like the moment that Triple H eliminated both the Big Show & Kane at the same time. And oh stupid Johnathan Coachman... he came in, he took a shot @ the Big Show, and he got hurled out in less than half a minute. LOL. Naturally, he wasn't the only one who got hurled over the top ropes b4 the next superstar came out.

Hahahah yesh I know that the WWE is fake (I am no 10yr old kid), but itz entertaining all the same - watching the superstars come out at 1 1/2 minute intervals, watching them getting thrown over the top rope... etc. Way cool. Oh, did I ever mention that the Royal Rumble is my fave pay per view of the entire year?

Shady self-destructed @ 17:38

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Think my wish of getting outta this place w/o reimbursing the company 2k is gonna come sooner than I expect. Hmm… I have no idea if this is a good thing, or a bad thing. The Principal just asked me earlier, to contact a few recruitment companies – in search for a marketing manager & a marketing executive. There are only 3 desks in this small tiny office. Most of the time, the principal & vice-principal occupies one (they are barely in at the same time when Shannon was still around), Shannon occupied one and I took one. So now they are hiring 2 new staff. Logically, the aren’t enough desks to go around.

What does this mean? They are thinking of terminating my contract? On what grounds this time? I haven’t made any major errors since I joined the company, my attendance has been good (only 2 MCs so far & ½ day unpaid leave) & my punctuality is close to perfect. Then again, I didn’t screw up in any way in Matrix Vision either. Yet, I still got a termination letter.

Gahhhh seriously this is being very demoralizing. Though I don’t really give a shit about this job – as the pay really sucks big time, another termination isn’t gonna look good on my record. It may even hamper the process of me seeking another employment in the future. Do bear in mind that I can’t afford to be jobless for more than a mth (no thanks to the leech at home). *sigh* So now what? Should I step up my job seeking process and go all out rite now, when I still can? So I can be well-prepared when they kick me outta the door?

Perhaps I should really start to pick up the skills of sucking up to bosses. I’ve always challenged their ideas & given my own point of view on certain matters – plus I liked doing things my own way (initiative, isn’t it what employers want?). Or is it coz I tend to do my own stuff during office hours and they noticed? *sigh* Working life isn’t easy. Maybe what all employers want is not someone who can merely complete their tasks on time… they want someone who can kiss ass, work long hours for low pay & well, listen to them like a slave does.

Another 1½hrs to go before I fuck off from here. So ends another week. I wonder long more will I be allowed to remain. Fuck. I wanted to resign, not get terminated. Do I really suck that bad?

Shady self-destructed @ 15:51

Friday, February 17, 2006

小Duck is gone. Crossed over the rainbow bridge to hamster heaven. Body was found last nite while I was doing rountinue feeding - my last task of the day b4 I lapse into slumber - lying on her side, unmoving. Hell, she was alredi stiffed up when I found her. *sigh* Too short a lifespan. I believe it was the consecutive 3 litters that damaged most of her health... then again, it might be the tumor under her chin that killed her. Itz my fault, I know. I just couldn't afford to send her to a vet. Her life might have been prolonged if I did, or she might have died on the operating table... but at least she would have had a chance. I didn't give her an opportunity to prove how much of a fighter she was. It wasn't a good day.

I should really start creating my pets graveyard soon. Told myself that I would do it after Fat Bola's death... but I didn't. Seems that it was just recently that Fat Bola was gone... but it's been months now [25.11.2005] & I'm still procrastinating. Gah, will place it on my to-do list. Perhaps I'll embark on it this weekend, considering tat I'm gonna be free. Broke mahx, so not planning to go anywhere.

Pfffttttt the thought of $ always gets me irked - coz it makes me think of Ben. That prick came home in the midst of the nite again - didn't notice when he did coz I was alredi fast asleep. I checked his handfone his morning. Itz irritating. He didn't answer any of my calls the entire nite - but guess what? He answered a couple of other calls that came in. Gah!! If he was busy & the place was as noisy as he mentioned, how is it that he can talk to another person? Anyway... by now I guess everyone is used to his lies. Wasn't too surprised to find that out!!~!

Plus I saw his lawyer letter. In the letter, it was stated that the bike repairs cost were only about 2.7k. So where did the additional 1k go? Considering that he claimed it was 3.7k. By right, after all deductions (legal fees, repairs... etc.), he should be taking home 6k. However, he claimed that he's only left with 5k after it all. Fucking liar. I won't be too surprised if he used that $ to repay his gambling debts or kept it in his private stash.

He still had the cheek to bring up the topic of getting a car again, this morning. Eh I am really sick & tired of him asking & asking & asking. He says that itz just a "discussion", but frankly, I don't see it that way. He'll go ahead to do it no matter what I say - so what kinda discussion is that? More like a dictation huh? The minute I find out he purchases a car, I'm splitting the bank accounts [not that I won't be doing that - but I would prefer to wait till the GIRO transactions are settled b4 I do... don't want my insurance premium to lapse too much]. Oh so what is it this time? Something even more ridiculous than anything he's brought up b4.

According to Ben, Eric wants to get a car. But Eric is going overseas this July for further studies. So his idea is for Eric to do the downpayment of the car... etc. and then he takes over to drive from July. He'll be paying the installments for the 2 yrs that Eric isn't around. And when Eric returns, he'll return the car to him. WHAT THE FUCK?! That was what came into my mind. You are gonna help ur friend pay for the car for 2 goddamned years, only to return it to him when he comes back frm wherever he goes to? C'mon lah !!~!

Speaking of going overseas, Noods is leaving tonite. Have a great trip (though I doubt he actually reads my blog... haha)!!! It should be fun going overseas to study. New environment, new cultures to absorb, new people to meet... basically everything is new. Alas, I never did get the opportunity when I was younger.

Hmm... anyway, am wondering if I should meet my parents for dinner here at Bishan later in the evening, or should I simply just go back to Bugis for dinner? Got some letters that I gotta pick up & some matters to discuss as well. Doesn't matter if Ben has "overtime" tonite or what. My plans don't include him anyway. I just hope he gets his goddamned bike fixed soon, so I'll have more flexibility when it comes to transport. Gahhhh no $ for maintainence.

Gah!!! The retarded principal is pissing me off early in the morning - giving me menial but troublesome tasks to do... oh, and not to mention, redundant stuff. I wonder how the parent is gonna feel when I tell her that more documents are to be submitted b4 her kid's student pass application can be processed. Fucking cb. Can't that asshole just tell me everything at once, so I can relate to the parent? Instead of making her come down to tha' school every morning (she's been doing so for a week alredi & passing me documents every single fucking day). Guess who is she gonna pass on her irritation to? Ohhhh that piece of shit. I just hope he gets his fat ass back to China & stay there. And NO I am not being racist!!~!

I just can't stand it when ppl can't speak English!!~! Kaox, he was claiming to a customer earlier that with determination, English is an easy language to pick up. I can't wait for the day when a customer will shoot him back asking him if itz that easy... why is he still speaking like a retard after being in Singapore for as long as he claims. Wanna work here, wanna market English language courses... yet look at his own English standard. Some kinda principal eh? People like this will never warrant any respect from me.

I know itz gonna be yet another long day. Fuck.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:48

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Gah!! Yet another long draggy day @ Spring Language School. Then there's tuition tonite as well. Goodness, I just hope such a lifestyle will end soon siahx. Received my payslip yesterday, and I am still listed as a "manager". Does that mean I don't qualify to be covered under the Employment Act? Anyway, yeah I know itz useless posting here coz such things are considered on case 2 case basis - besides, I doubt anyone who is reading my blog has been in such a situation before, oh, and I don't remember have lawyer friends... won't be getting any useful information frm anyone I know, I suppose. Come to think of it, most ppl I've asked dun even know what is the Employment Act about. Trust me, if I ain't in such a predicament, I wouldn't bother reading up much as well.

Anyway I spoke to one of the part-time teachers here at the school yesterday, when she came to collect her paycheck. *nod nod* I know itz suicidal behavior to mention my concerns to someone who is wrking for the company as well, but frankly, I don't give a shit at this point of time. Conclusion - gotta make a trip down to MOM -.-" Think I will do so nxt mth... as am intending to get my full pay this time. Considering that no matter how many days leave I take, the dilligence award is gone anyway (bloody money grubbers), I might as well make it more "worthwhile" by taking more than a day's leave. It'll be one day to MOM, one day to visit a foot specialist and one day to go down to BBDC to apply for my PDL. hahaha, yes, all can be done within a single day actually... but really heck care liaox.

Will begin my job applications once again & hopefully will be able to fit in a couple of interviews as well. *sigh* I wonder if my nxt job is gonna be better... or worse. Itz sickening being a noob in a new environment all over again.

Speaking of noob. Fucking hell. I failed to access XileRO. After all those nights of downloading & patching... learnt frm pero that Singnet bb users have their IP address banned. His method of logging on is constantly disconnecting till I get a suitable IP. But somehow, my computer is weird. I have to unplug my phone line to break the connection... and it takes pretty long for it to come back on. I have to do that every night that I wanna play (unless I leave the computer on 24/7 - bad idea). So, I gave up. Itz just too time consuming. Will be checking out other private servers when I get back home. It'll be nice to wack a poring again.

HaiZzz what should I eat for lunch later?

Shady self-destructed @ 00:25

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Today wasn't too bad either, at work, so far. The bosses left early today - coz their son caught chicken pox. LOL I really wish that it'll be passed on to them... so it'll be 2 weeks minus them both. hahahaha ~ boy am I evil. Ugh but that'll mean that there's a high chance that it'll be passed on to me. Hmm but I have faith in my immune system :P Considering that my bro had the pox, then my mom caught it frm him... I was living in the same house but I was spared. Then again, that was like years ago - when I was still healthy. Ahhh well, am getting off work soon, so I guess I shall not bother to blog further.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:54

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's day hath turned out better than I expected XD Well... work sucks all the same, but I ain't gonna go into details about today - nothing dramatic happened anyway. Hmm... Ben cooked dinner for me ^-^ pork 'steak' with Campbell's chicken & mushroom soup + vegetables in oyster sauce. Wahhh seriously damn shiok. Ate till I was bloated. Yeah I guess he can be nice & dedicated if he wants to. Initially he wanted to go down to JB for dinner, but I convinced him not to - due to the recent spate of violence there. *shakes head* Didn't wanna go out for dinner either coz we can't afford it, and itz gonna be crowded anyway! Hmm homecooked food still tha best lah. Not gourmet standard but wonderful all the same.

Dinner by candlelight (darn the camera flash)

Had a Valentine's Day gift as well. A cross-stitch wall hanging. LOL actually I bought this kit a looooong time ago but never really got down to completing it. Ahhhh Ben did keep his promise this time - to get it done for me by Valentine's Day. Thatz just way cool, isn't it?

Shrooms dated 14.02.06

Heh, on top of all that, I managed to finally complete my muddy piggy cross stitch! One strike on my to-do list ^-^ Many many more to go. Will start working on the Aries one tonite. Itz been a wonderful day so far. I just hope everyday is gonna be the same :D

From the muddy banks of wishkah

Shady self-destructed @ 23:21

Sunday, February 12, 2006

I should have taken Sean's advice & went back to Bugis for the nite. Ben just did something that I reckon was extremely rude. After dinner @ Greenridge I came home. Feeling exhausted, I just dropped off to sleep on the bed. Just a while ago, he turned on the lights & demanded to know if I was going to take a bath... etc. Eh seriously that was totally unacceptable. If he always went to bed after a shower, fine, I wouldn't complain. But hello?! Most of tha time, it was him that doesn't take a bath before he sleeps. And will go all grouchy when I ask him to wake up (eventually, he wouldn't budge till the nxt morning). Of coz I fully intended to get up later for gaming & I'll shower then. I slept with my contacts on for gawd's sake. How long can one sleep that way?! I should have gone home. At least I know none in my family will do something this rude. Unless maybe I happen to fall asleep in the hall on the couch or something. Even so, they would have awoken me nicely & asked me nicely to go continue sleeping in the room. Not merely flicking on the goddamned lights & demanding to know if I had showered or otherwise. Fucknut.

Anyway... well, in response to a comment on my tagboard (tuttle, yes I am speaking to you - didn't wanna flood my entire tagboard with a response as long as this & I am too lazy to log into my hotmail). I don't mean to be rude or sound uptight. I'm just saying that, I'm hold enuff now to know what I want in life & I know clearly what I am doing. Don't hurry me in doing something. This is MY life. I will lead it exactly the way I want, and I will do things as and when I see fit. I know that was outta concern. Thanks, I appreciate it... really. But trust me to know what to do rite now... got enuff ppl in my life being pushy alredi ^-^

Shady self-destructed @ 00:13

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Had quite a lot of thoughts running thru' my mind earlier - was intending to blog it down when I can... but now that I can, somehow, the train of thought hath been interrupted -.-" By a person who can be quite a pain in the ass - a Chinese teacher here. She's always interrupting me. Asking stupid questions, giving weird comments... etc. Frankly, I dunno wth is she asking certain stuffs - especially when responses differ fmr person to person. Then itz those 'English lessons'. OMFG. I know I know, I should be discriminating against those who can't hold a decent conversation in English... but eh, if u are facing those kinda folks for more than 8hrs a day, 6 days a week... trust me, you'll be annoyed too.

Great. Now I'm interrupted by a parent who wants to register for some nursery class. Now my unofficial break is over. *sigh*

Shady self-destructed @ 12:12

Thursday, February 09, 2006

I passed.

Phew ^-^ Was pretty confident when I entered the 'examination room' but a few questions did leave me puzzled. Duh, how would I know at what age should a child be using a restraint? That wasn't even in the damned book. lol guess students of BBDC would have an advantage as they are put thru' mandatory theory lessons. Anyway, my next hurdle now is to contact a private instructor (will sign on with the school if I'm unable to find one within this mth). Then I gotta squeeze enuff $ for practical lessons. Think thatz gonna cost a bomb!

Alot of budgeting to be done... if I wanna complete my wishlist. The 1st step of course, will be to break off the joint account with Ben. Itz difficult as our paychecks come at different periods of the mth & normally before the nxt pay comes in, we are broke (thanks to his uncessary spendings). With him around, I'll always be poor. Afterwhich, with correct planning, I should be able to take practicals at least once a week... and still have sufficient for my $50/mth savings intention. *sigh* My tution pay for this mth is down the drain. Had to use it to renew my road tax... and frankly, I dunno if thatz sufficient. Coz Ben apparently used the bike repair $ to spend on cigarettes & other stuff... so the $150 will be used to "top up" that amount. Ah well... just take it that I spent it on those cross-stitch kits I bought thru' the CNY (though that amount to about $111.10 only - there are more kits on my to-buy list).

Hmm is there anyway to 'blind' myself frm all the outstanding stuff and totally ignore his bills while focusing on mine only? Come to think of it, there goes my Feb's insurance premium. Am worried that at this rate, they will just cancel off my policy -.-" That'll be alot of $ down the drain so I really wish that it will not happen. Hopefully they'll have a warning letter b4 they do it, so measures of last minute prevention can be taken.

*sigh* Am now 25. Should begin saving & planning for my retirement liaox. LOL. Yah, it'll be way too late to start thinking of it when I reach about 40. The more I stash away, the more comfortable my golden years will be. Hmm... there's still my CPF. Thankfully stupid Ben is unable to lay his filthy fingers on it. Credit to the gahmen for coming out with such a plan (but I wonder wth they do with our $). Hmmm maybe I should take up a weekend part-time job to grow my CPF further... and when there is a nice amount in the account, I can use it to do some investment on the side. Of coz there'll be reseach involved b4 anything.

Well... itz still too early to think about cash savings now that I am barely making ends meet. Bills going unpaid, scrimping & saving here and there... gah !!~! But hopefully... hopefully once my account is split, I'll be applying for a SAYE account with POSB. Forcing myself to save at least $20 more per mth. That'll be deducted frm my main account via GIRO. Itz a good plan. Perhaps tonite I'll try one last time, to talk about money matters with Ben. If he doesn't listen or doesn't agree with it... then he's on his own. To think he still wants a child? Phooey!

Ehhh thinking of children make me think of the pets. That fucking dog. When is it going back to Teck Whye? Itz barking is driving me nuts. He barks in the morning, in the middle of the nite, in the evening... arrgghhhh so as long I am home, I'll hear it. Sickening. Barking at Harry who is kept in the playpen beside & that causes Harry to jump around, making even more noise! Craps. Gotta clear up the pets bedding this Sunday - at least the hamsters one, that is. Their cage is like so full of shit rite now -.-" The rest still can ignore. I wonder if anyone's gonna be helping me do that... considering that Ben has to go over to his sis place on Sunday to help fix a clock (what is her husband? useless?).

Ah well... Thursday again. Tuition tonite again. *sigh* Wonder if I'll manage to work on my cross-stitch a little while b4 bedtime. The piggy one on the way to completion liaox !! Hahaha maybe I should start drawing up a timetable to plan my time. Thought of that sux. Now, to get thru' another boring work day. Zzz

Shady self-destructed @ 09:27

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Goodness, it's not even 2pm yet -.-" Gone for an early lunch today (was forced to do so), and now there's a loooong 2nd half remaining for me. Am taking my BTT later this evening. I really hope that I'll pass this time. I did study, though only for a little. Darn those questions... itz more of lingual trickery than knowledge of "road theory". Guess they are all money suckers in disguise. The more students fail, the more students rebook, and the more $ they'll earn.

Am now having a self-proclaimed well-deserved break. Lately, the 2 dickheads have been coming to work early in the morning. I don't even have time to surf the web, update my blog or respond to personal emails much anymore. *sigh* They've been coming into the office early since Shannon left. Guess itz coz they still can't trust me alone with the operations. I just hope they'll disappear or something. lol, am gonna be evil. Hopefully something happens, both of them die... or the school closes down - then I wouldn't need to fulfil my 2yr contract. I just can't wait for this horrible stint to end.

I am now uber allergic to Mandarin. Am gonna curse anyone who speaks to me in Mandarin after working hours -.-" Am just so bloody sick & tired listening to the China accent blabbering on and on... using terms that I've never heard of before. Yes, I am a potato eater - now u know why itz so fucking annoying? Itz worse today. They placed an ad in the Chinese papers seeking Mandairn teachers. Got goddamned Mainlanders calling me since the morning.

Shit... my 'break' is over.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:21

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

It hath been a traumatic weekend. Exhausting actually. Gahhh why do I even try making things right when everything I do is negative in his eyes anyway? And why do I keep giving in when itz obvious he's taking it for granted? I am starting to wonder if I owe him certain stuff in my previous life or something. If I did... whatever crap that I've wallowed in since the day I met him till now, should have repaid all outstanding debts. In my next life, pls don't let our paths cross again... unless it's me being the predator & he being the prey - food. On 2nd thought. Forgeddit. I don't know what disease I might pick up if I consume someone like Ben.

Sean came down that nite & took me back to Bugis in a cab. Am eternally grateful :P Know what? That was one night that I managed to sleep peacefully. Itz been a long time since I gotten the rest I needed. Itz a shame though, that I have to drag my sorry ass back to Jelapang. Where the fuck is my pride? Why is something as superficial as the home keeping me behind? Itz just a material item. It can always be recreated sometime in the future.

Hmm... quit thinking & start doing huh? Dad is also saying that he won't mind helping me carry the computer & all my stuff back - even if we do have to take a cab. Sounds easy? Oh yeah... those tangible stuff is very very easy to pack up and leave. I mean... it'll probably only take 10 cartons at the max. Did anyone consider the emotional baggage that I've to lug along with me for the rest of my life? Now tell me. How is that gonna be easy?

Monetary woes again. Just when I think this mth's gonna be pretty comfortable as there is Ben's insurance $ as a cushion - everything is gone. The insurance $ has been spent during CNY - on shit like ang pow, petrol, overeating, "goodies" and gawd knows what!! I should start carrying a notebook around to keep track of all his senseless shit. Now he says he still owes the bike shop $1783. Eh fuck lah, he took 2k to pay them the previous time liao ookie. I don't believe that the damned repairs can cost 3.7k !!~! Fuck manx, I bought my SP for 3.8k ookie, and it was goddamned overpriced. Then he claims that the car he borrowed during the CNY period was damaged (bumper scratched), and he had to pay $80 for that. I daresay that itz all lies on Ben's part as he hasn't been able to produce any receipts of his "payments". He should have lost all that $ on gambling or whatever crap.

Anyway what that meant was... he had to dig into his last mth's salary + all the ang pows we have received to pay for the bike repairs. Heck, he is even $110 short... and we don't have any moolah left even for meals for this week. Know what? My road tax & insurance is due soon as well. On the 16th to be precise. I am getting goddamned pissed. Why are we broke every single mth? Whatever the fuck happened to all that "budgeting" he said he'll follow thru? Yah yah I know, itz damn simple to just NOT give him any $. Ask yourself b4 u suggest that to me, DO YOU WANT POWER CUT OFF IN YOUR HOME?! And DO YOU WANT BILLS TO PILE UP SO DRAMATICALLY TILL IT BECOMES A MOUNTAINT? Not forgetting the LATE PAYMENT FEES!!! Let one fucking bill slide and I daresay that all hell is gonna break loose. LOOK! This fucking Courts installment for this mth lapse again. More late payment fees. What the hell is that?! Spend spend spend w/o thinking.

Itz Valentine's Day nxt week. The dreaded day. It just sucks big time to see girls with their partners, holding flowers, exchanging sweet nothing's over dinner... etc. Come to think of it, I never had a wonderful Valentine's Day before. I can't remember my ex's - so I guess if something ain't memorable, how pleasant would that be? What am I gonna do this year? Stay home and rot probably - why would I wanna go out to further depress myself? Fuck it manx. That day should never have been invented.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:26

Sunday, February 05, 2006

I so nearly forgot the feeling of being loaded on alcohol. I never knew it felt that great. I am on my 3rd glass of burbon rite now... think I'll be binge drinking for the entire of tonite. Hopefully the alcohol will help mi numb the pain. I just got off the fone with that bastard. He claims that they are on the way to East Coat to take a group foto. While Jacky, told me that they were on the way to meet another friend. They are all a bunch of bastards. I just smsed Jacky to take care of Ben... he said that he would. And since Ben said that I can jolly well go do whatever I wanan do, FINE. I can leave now... w/o any regrets.

Shady self-destructed @ 01:54

I'll be applying for leave next week. Will be going down to the lawyer to file for a seperation & then a divorce. I have given him too many "last chances", and I am totally spent rite now.

After wrk, he dragged me down to his sister's place @ Queenstown. Claiming that we'll be there for only "a while". As usual, that meant hours... and he did the ultimate. He left me all alone there with a bunch of uncouth ppl, while he ferried his other relatives home. By the time he returned, I had alredi left for Bugis.

Decided to give him a little test. He failed miserably. I told him that I am not able to get outta the carpark coz I dun have enuff $ in the cashcard. He just told me that it was my fault for leaving in the 1st place, and that I will just have to spend the nite there. He can ferry his relatives ard the country, but he can't even bother to come down to Bugis to fetch me? He claimed that he has to wrk early the nxt morning... so he'll be gg home straight to take a rest - hence he doesn't want to come down to pick mi up - no energy liaox.

Fine. I got home eventually. Am at Jelapang now. Guess what? He ain't home. When I called him, he said he went out to meet Jacky & Eric (and their stupid gf/wife of coz). Where? At Pitstop. Which is just 10min frm my place.

SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS ABOUT?! CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO COME DOWN TO BUGIS COZ HE WAS "TIRED" AND THAT HE HAS TO GO TO WRK EARLY TOMORROW... AND NOW HE IS SOMEWHERE NEAR MY HOUSE DRINKING WITH HIS FRIENDS. SHOWS ALOT ABOUT HOW DEDICATED HE IS HUH?

THIS RELATIONSHIP IS POINTLESS.

AND IT IS GODDAMNED FUCKING OVER. STARTING THIS VERY INSTANT!!!! NOTHING HE DOES AFTER THIS IS GONNA CHANGE EVERYTHING. I AM OUT!!!! MAY I DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH IF I GO BACK ON MY WORD THIS TIME.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:09

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Time for random reminiscence. I was on tha way back frm lunch & suddenly I remembered the photos Noods posted up on his blog in a recent entry. One of the photographs was taken just recently at Paulaner. The entire HCAS was in it. It just seemed weeks ago that we climbed the rooftops of a few hotels in the town area. It just seemed awhile ago that we were smoking shisha @ Mike's while watching EPL on the projector screen. It was just not too long ago, was it? I started thinking, and I realised that before that meeting, I haven't seen them for more than a year. Back then, we weren't even hanging out that often anymore. I was still wrking at Cafe100, and was doing part-time at Paradigm. Schedule & Ben made it impossible. I wonder what have they been doing the past year. Many things should have happened since then. I should think that our lives have all changed somehow.

So was that particular gathering the closure of a chapter in our lives? Or the beginning of a new one? Well... maybe it might be both. I wonder how many more months would have passed should we manage to meet up again. What will everyone be doing with their lives then? How would everyone look like? Hell... would we even still be in contact say 50 years from now? That is if all of us are still alive by then. Will all of us even live that long? (eh, I am not cursing u guys... but u know lah, shit happens & there's nth we can do to prevent it)

We've once spoken of forming a band. We spoke about it again, casually, at Paulaner's that evening. The Chicken Graveyard. LOL. What a nightmarish name -.-" And I suppose the logo would be a picture of the impaled chicken drumlet? Goodness... lol

HCAS. Monday, 30th Jan 2006

Shady self-destructed @ 16:05

Friday, February 03, 2006

Was listening to WRZ91.3fm earlier this morning on tha way to work. Once again, the censorship issue was brought up. This has been an overdiscussed topic siah & frankly, itz pointless to further discuss it as nothing is gonna change. The authorities just simply think that we 'normal' folks gotta be "protected" from the influence of the media. Hogwash if u ask me. The movie in question is some academy award nominee... uhh was it Brokeback Mountain? I didn't really get the full title due to the DJ's weird accent (u know lah, the typical local guy trying to act ang moh but failing miserably). Anyway ~ that ain't the importance. Thing is... it was decided that the movie will be spared the censorship board's snipping of the scissors, but it'll be rated R21. Of course there'll be protests. Pretty silly ones actually.

The main protests come frm the younger folks of course. Those who aren't able to watch it legally on the big screen. There was this comment frm some guy who SMSed in, stating that racial issues should be censored in order to drop the rating. Then another gal was gripping on how she wouldn't be able to watch it due to age factor. Duh. Frankly, I don't see what are all these complaints about. Don't u fucking know that there are other ways to watch the movie? And yes, the uncensored version too. Heyz, u are a child of the 90s. u should know how technology hath advanced. Quit complaining coz ppl who are born in the 70s & early 80s got it worse than you. We didn't have broadband back then!!~! Plus u can always get a fake ID made - the same way you did when u wanted to enter clubs w/o reaching their min. age.

Besides. Think about it. If itz censored in order to allow kids to watch it... will u be getting the full impact of the movie? No of course. If u don't experience the full impact, how are u gonna determine if it's worthy of an academy award nomination? Can't stand it when ppl make foolish comments w/o further thinking into the matter. Stupid kids !!~!

Of coz I am anti-censorship & I think age limits are totally retarded. Everyone who knows me, knows it. But nth I can do & itz a waste of energy to complain.

I just found out about last mth's paycheck. Apparently there has been more than $100 deducted this time. I am gonna lodge a report with the MOM. I've let them go the previous mth. No way am I gonna do it again, even if it's simply over a few dollars. Justice has to be done. Who the fuck calcuates an employee's daily rate based on gross pay? C'mon lah. Only CPF is calcuated based on gross. Daily rate is based on basic pay !!~! Goddamnit. This company really really sucks big time.

This gal Dixie hath alredi sent a formal letter here demanding a full refund. I really hope that the school ignores this matter, so she would take it up to the authorities. Hopefully there are more ppl like her who understands that unethical practices should not be allowed to continue. I really hope this fucking place closes down. Hmmm in the meantime, I welcome all suggestions on how to deal with them. This is war. I wanna let them know that Singaporeans are no pushovers & we are not that easy to cheat. They can jolly well take their fat asses back to the Mainland to continue their shit there for all I care. I hope they get destroyed.

Anyone wishes to volunteer to help out with this? Sign up for a course here. A course that u know will never be opened due to the 'lack of students'. Then demand a full refund & when they refuse, bring the matter up to the subordinate courts & get a lawyer to sue. Such ppl deserve to be burned on the stake for all eternity.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:08

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

+ A r c h i v e s +

02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009

+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

Layout by Kuroda