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Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else


I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free


Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel


Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone


No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try


Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye


Fade to Black - Metallica




Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life


Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Tatz it. The holidays are OVER. Tml it'll be back to slaving & itz gonna continue till goodness knows when. Hmm... jem made a wonderful suggestion though. Get someone to sue the damned school & force them to close down. Then I wouldn't have to wait 2 years for the contract to be over. The problem now is, how am I supposed to do that? *scratches head* Influence the students? But on what precise grounds? Am how am I gonna do it w/o them finding out till itz too late? They are always around. Darn, what a rotten company.

31st Jan 2006 - the day that 2 dweebs took the dive into the river -.-" Along the bridge that seperates Esplande & Fullerton Hotel. It was hilarious. hahahah not to mention, they managed to gather quite a crowd. Oops, afterwhich SMSed pero claiming that things went wrong. Think he got pissed. Yeah... that wasn't a funny joke [paiseh ahx pero]. But the incident sure was funny. Heng ahx!! Nothing went wrong. Imagine what would have happened if they jumped directly onto a boat? lolx. Noods ended up with some scratches on his leg, but besides that they were fine ^-^ Caught it on video too. Am gonna force them to send an edited copy to me siahx. Something to show the grandchildren in future. Look... grandma had crazy friends. LOL

Jelapang is gonna be a madhouse again. Horde after horde of ppl coming over. Ben just seems bent on testing the elasticity of my tolerance. Invited his friends over. Tot they were coming this noon - I wasn't ard. Alas, they came this noon. And they are on the way down now, as I type this blog. Itz gonna be hell. I just know it. Yeah yeah, I know, some of them are my friends as well & itz been a long time since I've seen them. Itz just that I'd rather meet them outside. I prefer my home to be a quiet... a place where I can just slack off. I wouldn't want it invaded every nite loh. Nobody appreciates peace & serenity in their home anymore.

What a life...

Shady self-destructed @ 21:22


Just when I started to think that I made the decision by coming back Jelapang last nite, this morning ruined everything. Itz so like Ben, isn't it? Doing something positive an instant, and then fucking it all up after... ruining all the goodwill that hath been built up. So what got me that ticked off at this hour? Waking up before I should, that is !!~! One phone call frm his dad. Thatz it. I woke up and I couldn't get back to sleep. Gah!!! I slept ard 5am last nite ookie? This is supposed to be public holidays & I don't even get sufficient sleep every single day. This time, he is sending his dad down to Pasir Panjang & going to pass the cheques to some suppliers. *rolls eyes* Time and again, I wake up when I don't really have to. This is crap lah.

Last nite was interesting though. Managed to get myself into Pasir Panjang container port and even managed to take a short walk around in a ship - had to hide in the car to get in!! Gosh, those cranes were fucking huge. And the staircases leading to the ship were goddamned slippery... oh, and the "railings" at the side of the staircases, fucking dirty. Got engine oil all over my right hand. Thankfully managed to wash them off when I got home. Hahahahah, I can't believe it. I went up there, walked ard and no one said anything ^-^ Whatz the big deal? Well 1stly ppl w/o a pass isn't supposed to even enter the port... and girls aren't allowed on board the ship. muahahahah they must have thought I was just a little boy. I was an experience... one that got me home freaking late, but itz worth it XD.

But anyway, like I said... things were ruined this morning. First the phone call, then the filthy dog. Know what? I'm so freaking tempted to hurl the JRT outta the window. One month he says. Yeah he betta make sure that the dog is gone within the mth b4 I place it up for adoption (toy breeds are high in demand anyway) !!~!

Lunch yesterday

Breakfast today

I am just so pathetic. Allowing myself to fall this way.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:54


Itz funny. Just 3 days and so many things hath happened. I dun even know where to start blogging... in fact, am wondering if I should even bother typing out all the shite that hath happened. Am now at Bugis anyway. Jelapang is empty, except for all the little ones. Someone has to work tonite. On the 2nd day of CNY - itz such a coincidence that itz a "night" ship as well. Ah well, u know, I know, itz all bullshit anyway !!~! Hmmm.. if his 'ship' finishes too late, I'll probably be bunking over here. All the better. At least there is no noisy JRT interrupting my snooze & anyway I'll be meeting my friends in town tml, so it'll be pretty convienient too.

Chinese New Year Eve

The reunion dinner @ Ben's place was just okay. Wasn't in a mood to eat though. Hmmm why? I just don't like too much noise when I'm having my food. Everyone is talking loudy & Ben is having PMS-like symptoms. But the food was acceptable. Hmm the previous day's dinner was betta though - the soup was much more tasty & contains the ingredients that agree with my tastebuds (ie. pig's skin, fish maw, sea cucumber, clams... etc.)

The nightmare came after the dinner, at Chinatown. Ben said he wanted to go down to get some CNY products for the home... yeah yeah, and ended up meeting his stupid bunch of friends. Walk ard River Angbao, squeezing ard in Chinatown. Seriously... itz a damn stupid thing to do. Imagine ppl shoving u ard with their filthy & sweaty arms. Goodness. More than once I was so tempted to punch someone's face in. I wish I had gone home after dinner to game instead. I got back at 4am, can u imagine that? It was hours and hours of being bored. The only perk? The fireworks display. It was beautiful.

1st Day of the Year of the Dog

Got up late, went visiting late. Stopped by my 2 grandma's home, and then itz off to his goddamned relatives place - where I was left pretty much alone, sulking away. Made the grave mistake of failing to put the GBA into my bag b4 I left tha house. As again, it was a boring affair. Hell, I don't see the point in socalising with ppl u meet only once a year, get what I mean? The entire process is just so... fake. All those small talk, all those greetings & best wishes. C'mon, I doubt they even mean it in the 1st place.

But that wasn't the worst thing.

The nightmare (yes, another one) came after. Ben invited the entire shitload of them to our place. The children ran around, stepping on my stuffed toys & tapping on my keyboard... etc. The adults out there making hell of a noise. And Mr. homo, bringing them on a mini-tour around the house, showing off stuff... and of coz, claiming credit for them all. It was a madhouse, and they stayed on for like close to 4hrs. Goodness. Boy was I glad to see them go. The nxt time shit like that is gonna happen, I swear I'm going MIA.

2nd day of CNY

Today. It was good. Ben left early in the morning... claimed that he had to pick up some stuff for the ship later on... etc. More bullshit if u ask me, but I was really glad for the peace. Played The Sims 2 for hours, watched a couple of anime, then it was my turn to go out.

Met ppl that I haven't seen for goodness how long. keyi, jemmie, Noods & p-chan. Had dinner @ Suntec (the laksa is mediocre), and then it was off to Paulander for some slacking to the live band. Then down to the Esplande to catch another firewrks display. This one was a poor comparision to the one on CNY even, but it was nice to look at all the same. Then everyone went their seperate ways. I came back here. Gah!! Was shocked to see a horde of ppl but they left like 15min after I came, so it wasn't too bad.

Now am just willing away the time. Ben says that he'll come pick mi up after his job. Hahahaha, why do I have the feeling that it'z gonna drag on till tml morning? Who wants to bet that he went clubbing or hanging out with his stupid friends again?

*yawn* Am sleepy. Perhaps I should just bo chup, go to sleep & ask him to fuck off when he calls.

Shady self-destructed @ 01:15

Friday, January 27, 2006


*yawn* Sleeping alone wasn't so bad afterall... felt pretty good to have the entire queen sized bed to myself, come to think of it ^-^ The only drawback was stupid Lacky. Barking away in the morning @ Harry I suppose. Itz apparent that he hates the male rabbit, especially after the biting incident. Hmm... I seem to notice that he's kinda protective of the girls though. Whenever anyone approaches the rabbits, he'll be looking on; and if we would stick our hands into the tank to change their water or top up their food, Lacky will give out some warning growls. I wonder if they would get along, if let loose in the hall together.

-.-" According to someone, Michelle looked very "er xin" in her ROM gown, complete with make up and all. What a nasty thing to say!!! I don't deny that she isn't very slim... but not ugly till the point of "er xin" rite?? Hahaha, she might be stupid in her choice of men, but she's quite a nice lady frm what I notice. She definitely deserves someone better in terms of character, physique & career stability. Gahhh, speaking of which, aren't women supposed to marry "up" instead? Why are so many (myself included) made to settle for something mediocre.

Anyway, aside all that... there was slight drama at wrk last evening, before I left. This girl, Dixie, came in and demanded a full refund frm the School as she was sick & tired of being made to wait for her Jap class to commence. Of course, Mdm Ji refused... and there was a tiring exchange of words - each pushing the blame on another. Frankly, I'm taking the customer's side. Itz kinda ridiculous that students are not informed that there may be a delay in the commencement date @ the point of signing the registration form. But we are not allowed to do that, as it'll mean a drop in sales. Itz so obvious tat this center is simply out to make money. What happened to customer satisfaction? Don't promise what u can't deliever, that has always been my train of thought. I would be equally pissed off if I were in Dixie's shoes.

The LRT-MRT ride today was as usual - a mixture of amazement & annoyance. It never ceases to make me wonder, how the LRT windows would "frost up" when the carriage nears a HDB flat's windows. It also never ceases to make me wonder, that why in the hell are women carrying tiny handbags around! Uhh what the fuck do they put in it? Don't they find it a hassle carrying them? I'd rather have both hands free (to punch someone in the nose if necessary... lol) than hold on to a tiny bag. Besides, a tiny bag can never contain all my stuff.

Annoyance wise. What else? The usual crowded trains, overpowering perfumes & irritating passengers who sit beside u and bump ur arm occasionally... not to mention, the look of those slutty school girls. There was this guy beside me today. I noticed that at one point in his train ride, he took out his handfone and took a picture. I looked in front of him, and there in full view was a woman wearing a short skirt, snoozing away. Hmm... was he a perv who captures pictures of women's underwear? Should have peeked at his fone, but was too sleepy to really bother. Besides, who asked that silly woman to wear a skirt that short and sit in that kinda position? She might be an exhibitionist for all I know [plus she's ugly].

Perhaps this is the way it is. Singaporeans just don't bother.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:06

Thursday, January 26, 2006


I am in a fucking bad mood rite now.

I'm gonna repeat what I've said many times before - Ben never fails to FUCK UP MY DAY!!!! That bloody piece of shit. My patience is is not, and never has been, immaculate & I have absolutely NO intention to attain sainthood. He SMSed me earlier, saying that he'll have a ship to go tonite at 2am and he wouldn't be back till tml evening. In the 1st place, I don't believe it... but I ain't ranting about this (coz I've given up feeling frustrated over such stuff). His suggestion is that he'll wait for me back home till after I finish my tuition, then pillion me to his wrkplace & then I'll be riding the bike back myself. Sounds like an idea... but I don't like it. Coz it'll mean that I will be going w/o dinner till after I get back frm his wrkplace - that can be as late as 11pm and I'll be exhuasted the nxt day as itz an prior agreement that I take public transport to wrk tml. Selfish, isn't he?

But that ain't the reason why I'm pissed off. I gave him an alternative - one that involves taking Jacky's bike to wrk instead & leaving it in the warehouse for the entire CNY period. But noooo he says that Jacky might need the bike during CNY. Jacky again. All for the sake of Jacky. Then b4 I can say anything else, Ben just snapped at me saying that he'll go to wrk by himself via cab. Hello? Did I deserve that kinda attitude frm him? If he doesn't like my idea, he can just explain himself. Itz not as if I was making a big fuss by insisting that it is mandatory to follow my action plan!!

I'm alredi having a shitty day at wrk. The pathetic lout of a principal in his droning voice, blabbering some stuff to me in Mandarin, coupled with the sheer boredom of it all. I believe that is sufficient to put anyone in a foul mood. Then Ben had to add on to it. Seriously I am damn allergic to ppl speaking in the China accent now. Hell... dun even dare speak to me in Mandarin! I've enuff to listening to it. Day in and out. Fuck... I'm typing this with the screen in full view of the Principal. I don't even care if he terminates me rite now for doing personal stuff during working hours. Good riddance to bad rubbish if that happens.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH !!!!!!

Shady self-destructed @ 15:40


A few minutes ago, a colleague of mine - Teacher Lian, asked if I was on MC on Monday... she then continued to ask if I'm gonna payback the hours taken. Fat chance!! I do admire her "dillgence" though... taking leave to go overseas for a tour, then paying back all the hours by coming in earlier 1hr each day. Thatz just plain insanity if u ask me. If the company's gonna be that 鸟, I don't understand why I should put in 100% of effort. Yeah yeah I know, there's a $50 at stake here ~ but is that amt of $ [I won't deny that it'll come in useful @ my current financial situation] worth all that trouble? I hate this place.

Hmm... itz the 26th today ehx? Yet another woman is gonna fall frm her pedestal (if she hasn't alredi done so a long time ago). Much as I didn't wish to remember, with Ben yakking now and then, itz Jacky's ROM today. Poor Michelle. I can understand how "blind" she can be... I'm more than positive that she'll live to regret it. Basically Jacky doesn't deserve her. Why? Simple. He makes her cry, by telling her tat he has doubts whether they should get married or otherwise, and when she does... instead of comforting her, he claims that 'crying wouldn't solve the problem'. Gahh! I believe she is just another woman who is resistant to change. Look, Jacky alredi took up years of her precious youth. Oh, doesn't he sound very uncannily like Ben? Jerks of a feather horde together. I curse the ground they walk upon.

The more I think about such issues, the increasingly pissed I become. I am frustrated @ wrk, I get pissed off at home. What's next? Oh of course... no one else can be blamed rite? Coz it was me who made the goddamned decision. It was me who did things on impluse. It was me who didn't stop to consider the repercussions of it all. Yeah yeah, the nxt thing I know, I'm gonna shoulder the blame of the entire world.

Fuck it.

And as for those with "fulfilling lives", pls don't even dare tell me u know what I'm going thru'.

Shady self-destructed @ 08:52

Monday, January 23, 2006


Thatz it. One day passed - this quickly. Just a flash, and it's over. Tml, it's back to wrk at that godforsaken dump again. *sigh* I'm not too sure if I'm looking forward to the CNY holidays. Why? Well... itz CNY after all. The festive season I really hate. Lette me see what I hate about CNY. The color (gold & red), the music, the crowds, the traffic jams & yes, the relatives. In the past, I used to think that visiting my relatives were hell. I never knew better till I met his relatives. Spending time at their places is really boredom incarnate.

Ben doesn't cease to piss me off. Now he's telling me that we have to give ang pows this festive season. Hmmm wait a minute! Isn't that a Chinese tradition? According to Chinese tradition, shouldn't we be receiving ang pows instead? Considering that we are not married under Chinese customs. Ah hah. Just face it. His parents are money sucking leeches. I'll never have a traditional Chinese wedding - at least not with Ben. He won't be able to afford it. I don't want all the expenses of the wedding coming outta my own pocket. This is bullshit manx. Know what? I would like to have a wedding ceremony someday, a simple but memorable one... but at the rate things are going, I'd rather remain single. The bride is the most radiant on her wedding day, yes, only if the groom is Mr. Right. In my case, it's Mr. Wrong. I thought he was Mr. Also Can... but he simply proved otherwise.

While I went for tuition earlier, Ben was at Greenridge with his pig-dog friends again. This time, he had brochures & price lists of cars. My intuition just tells me that he's intending to purchase a car, under joint ownership with Jacky & Eric. He claims that he was just selling the cars to them. But... I just don't believe it. Yes, I have lost all trust in him. I just can't stand it that he chooses to do things with our money w/o a discussion. Not that a discussion would help, as he would go ahead and do what he wants anyway, but at least I won't hear of the news 2nd hand. He exchanged $200 worth of new notes as well - for ang pow. Where did he get that $200? Oh, he convieniently "borrowed" the amount frm the 1.5k his mom passed him for her kitchen cabinets. Even more $ to payback at the end of the mth. Wonderful.

Gahh!! Was interrupted by the fight between the rabbits in the hall. Harry managed to jump over his playpen into the females tank & caused a considerable amt of damage. Snowy had fur ripped out frm the back of her neck, leaving her skin slightly bloody & exposed. Jubi seems alright on the surface. bunnie was the most unfortunate of all. Had part of her ear bitten off by the stupid male. Harry of coz, was unscathed. Tsk tsk... seems like unreasonable behavior & violence is dominant in males of all species - not only humans. Rabbit males can be assholes too.
I just hope that, someday, women will learn to stand up for themselves & not be oppressed any longer. Women who are submissive & conformist are just destroying everything our bra-burning sisters have fought for in the past. I am holding my own ground, fighting my own battle. I know I'll emerge victorious. I just hope that other women will "wake up" soon. Oh... and in case u are wondering, I am not in favour of equality. Itz dominance that I'm voting for. Dominance of the female species. Itz time that roles are reversed. Coz how would u understand the other party unless u are in their shoes? Yes, high heeled and all.

Shady self-destructed @ 22:35


Ugh... went to see the doc due to my diarrhea & after consuming the medicine, now I feel like throwing up. Gosh!! Well, went to the Chinese doc for alternative medicine... hmm I guess the feeling of puking beats the thought of having something stuck up the ass. lol. Anyway, asked the doc to check out my foot at the same time. Got pricked by needles & a substantial amount of blood was sucked out - lol the doc was even worried that I might faint as I didn't have breakfast b4. hahahaha, but anyway, am home, so yeah guess I didn't faint after all !!~! Hmm but now it looks as if I stepped on poop -.-" The medicine put over the wound b4 she bound the foot - itz dark brown... and totally icky. Am gonna leave it on till I take my shower later tonite I guess. Thankfully I had a bath b4 I went out. Anyway, it was $35 *sigh* $100 gone, and now $35. So in total, this cost me $135. I just hope the foot get cured, and not only betta for now.

Would dearly love to go for a jog or something in the evenings. Body fat is increasing... and all those spare tires ard my tummy is showing. Yes. I am vain. Hahah I don't seek to put makeup and all that stuff, but I was proud of my flat tummy b4. Plus tighs are getting fat. Hmmm guess the dog may be a good thing afterall, being forced to take it for a walk every day. Not forgetting the energy wasted to mop up all those pee. Without the "motivation", a lazy sack of bones like me will only get strong fingers (and thumbs).

Anyway itz weird. I took my weight earlier, just for the sake of it... and realised that I'm even lighter than before - though no longer as muscular. Hmm guess the saying that muscle weighs more than fat is true. My muscle mass went down, so did my weight. Believe it or not, I'm only about 41kg now. Compared to 46.6kg when I was at my heaviest [and I was gg for soccer training at least twice a week back then... plus nite cycling]. Ahhhh how I wish there is a pool nearby. I would love getting some color back into my yellowish skin.

I can't believe that some dumbfucks on mIRC can believe that I weigh 168.6kg. hahahahaha - thatz me + my SP on a dry tank manx. lol thatz a good way to screen out the undesirable, superficial males. Desperados all of them. I do sympathise with the fat girls out there. How much discrimination much they have faced thru their lives (plus how healthy can their self esteem be), aside frm being born with a gender disadvantage. I've said this b4, and I'll say it again. Males. You are the reasons why girls develop eating disorders, put on makeup, become air heads... u superficial bastards. Don't you ever understand that itz what's "inside" that matters? Never judge the book by its cover, didn't mom ever teach u? Oh wait a minute... mom is a woman too. Did u ever realise that? Fucknuts [thanks jemmie, for this word].

Oowwww my foot still hurts. Hmm but my tummy seems to have relaxed for now. Good. Was wondering if my arsehole would be ripped open or something, with that unrelentless torrent coming out. Ookie. No oily & spicy food for today. As if I'm gonna eat spicy food ~

Now who is that dumbfuck walking outside the corridor? Lacky has been barking non stop. Nah beh... can't you just fuck off?

Shady self-destructed @ 10:50

Sunday, January 22, 2006


Tong Hua

Nice song, isn't it? I'll definitely be charmed if someone dedicates this to me, and means every single word with all his heart. In fact, it will be a fairytale come true. But I am worthy of no fairytale happy ever after. Just look at the girl in the mtv. The typical wide eyed, act cute, vulnerable pattern that every guy seems to fall for. Itz girls like those who get all the guys queuing up to do stuff for them. Itz girls like that who will probably be happy - with their prince charming. For someone like me? Seriously... fat chance. I'll have to settle for a toad.

It was a fucked up day. Went to the hairdresser, $100+ gone. Then went down Turf City to get some stuff, another $100+ gone. I didn't meet up with the guys after all. It was raining so they didn't do it, and I couldn't afford to go for the movie. Plus... I'm having this periodic tummy pain since morning & itz pissing me off. The loo is my 2nd home for the day, it seems. I hope it'll be gone by tml. It'll be a living nightmare if I go to wrk in this condition. Did I ever complain that the toilets @ Blk 512 Bishan are horrendous? Leaking cisterns, faulty flush system and all. Plus no toilet paper. Oh... and it stinks. Big time. I dun even wanna smoke in there!

Ben was making a big fuss earlier today. Demanded the contact no.s of the guys - should anything happen (ie. they decide to push mi into the river or sumthing ~ which I really doubt will happen). A show of concern, u think? Hah!!~! I am no princess remember? All he was worried about is that ass of his. So that he wouldn't be held responsible for anything that happens to me... as he wasn't there when it happened. He wouldn't have to face my parents. What a Prince Charming.

Thatz it. I'm visiting the loo. Again.

Shady self-destructed @ 23:34

Saturday, January 21, 2006


Arrgghhh the JRT at home is driving me mad. Seriously. It pees all over the floor & cabinets. Itz only a matter of time that he'll decide to 'let go' on the carpet manx. I wonder how Ben is gonna say to that !!~! I still can't believe that after so many years of keeping the pooch, it still ain't toilet trained? Goodness... it's not as if it's a puppy or whatever manx. Itz alredi an old dog. Can't even respond to simple commands like 'sit' or 'stay'. Only knows how to go around digging the trash bin for food & pissing all over. Oh, and to think Ben expects me to mop up the pee when I see it. Gosh... extra work for myself -.-" Hmmm, I seem to remember tat the dog is gonna be here for a "short time" only? It's one week liaox. Somehow I got the feeling that I'm gonna see it on a daily basis till either he dies... or I leave.

Itz Sat again. It sux wrking on a Sat, but at least there's a good snooze to look forward to tml. I wonder if I'm able to squeeze in a haircut as well. Gahh... more $ is gonna be spent - coz stupid Ben wants to highlight his hair ash grey -.-" Can u imagine how he's gonna look? Horrible I believe. Not everyone is suitable for that kinda extreme hair color. But most imptly, can u imagine how much is that gonna cost? ah hah !!! Last nite, went down to Serangoon Nth, spent about $120 on pet stuff liaox. Oh gosh... I really hope I'm not gonna end up on a tight budget again - and having to borrow $ for my petrol needs siah. Then there's gonna be shopping of new year clothes... etc. etc. Not to mention this mth's bills. I don't earn thousands, u know? My take home pay doesn't even hit 1.2k. I can't afford to splurge (especially not when someone is doing the spluring on my behalf).

Yeah I know, I keep grumbling about money. What to do? u think I like doing this? If I don't bitch ard, I'm gonna explode I swear. Then maybe, I should just take my dad's advice. Bank my paycheck into a personal account & only contribute enuff to cover half of the house payments... and if Ben touches that amt, just fuck care... let the payment lapse and all. At least, then, it'll be 2 ppl who are suffering... not only one.

Hmmm... now I wonder what am I gonna be doing for the nite. Ben won't be home. "OT" again, what else? Guess it'll be movies, games & anime for me - as usual. That isn't such a bad thing afterall, come to think of it. When was the last time I watched a movie?

Shady self-destructed @ 10:39

Thursday, January 19, 2006


Went to Popular Bookstore after wrk yesterday & I guess... it'll take longer than expected to attain my goal of purchasing The Sims 2: Nightlife. $54.90. SLS will prolly sell it cheaper, but I'll estimate it to be around $50 at the very least. *sigh* I'll definitely feel the pinch when I purchase it, but at the moment, I don't think I can afford it. I've got 2 options though. 1. to wait another 3 weeks before I get my tuition paycheck to buy it, or 2. wait till the nxt expansion comes out, so the price of this one will fall. How I miss the times in the past when I could just get a Sims expansion set the moment it comes out w/o a 2nd thought. Perhaps I'll just check the local eBay and Yahoo! Auctions later on.

Have now shifted desks with my colleague @ wrk. Which means, no more using of the computer to do personal stuff when the 2 idiots (principal & mdm ji) are in the office. Coz it'll be my back facing them, and the screen for them to see. Hai... there are worse days ahead, that's for sure. Imagine when she leaves & no new manager comes in? Everything will be pushed to me then. I wonder, since I'm taking over her position, will I be able to come to wrk at 8:45am instead? It does make sense, doesn't it? lolx.

Had a late nite yesterday. Now I'm on the verge of a collapse. I would fall asleep in seconds of closing my eyes siah. Why late nite? Ben lah !!~! Nah beh. I left my bike @ my wrkplace yesterday due to the rain, he said he'll come down my parents place to pick mi up after he's finished with his ship. He came ard 11+ and I tot, that's it... finally we can head home, I'll take my bath and then Zzz. But nooooo he had to go down to Pasir Panjang to pick his dad up as well. Waiting for his dad was more than 1/2 hr. As a result. I went to sleep after 1:30am. What a goddamned waste of time. I still gotta go for tuition tonite *sigh*

Dinner was good though. Had it with my parents + bro. Sirloin (done rare of course) with mushroom sauce at Jack's Place. Dad's treat :D

The damned JRT is pretty annoying. Imagine, he pees on the floor, and marks on the walls. As if the house isn't stinky enuff with the rabbits cage (unchanged newspapers for 3days + liao) and the tanks of the small animals in the room. Gah!! Plus itz annoying. Coz of Ben's stupid decision to put all the male mice together - all my male mice now have wounds on their body... mostly around the balls area (dun ask me why). I've removed the problematic Jumper, but it seems that XiaoHei is attacking the others too. Aaargghhh I alredi told Ben that males can't be put together unless they grew up in the same tank. Why doesn't he understand that?

Am now looking to increase the no. of tanks in my house. Managed to contact someone frm the Pets forum who is selling 3 1ft. tanks @ $8 in total. I just wonder when am I ever gonna be free to pick the stuff up frm her. Plus gotta go shopping for pet supplies soon. My hamster & mice food is down to about 1 wks' supply, and the rabbits dont' have any hay liaox. I wonder how much is gonna be spent this shopping trip. lol... $150?

Looking forward to this Sunday though. Scheduled to meet up with jem & Noods who are gonna jump off a bridge somewhere in town -.-" u know... I'm really tempted to make the jump too. hahahah I told them I'm afraid of drowning - I don't think they bought that lame excuse. I'm a swimmer afterall. Itz quite impossible for me to drown in a river w/o currents. In the sea maybe lah, the waves will just sweep me away & drag me underwater. Won't have the motivation or energy to resist though. hahahahah ~ it should be fun anyway ^-^

Shady self-destructed @ 10:35

Monday, January 16, 2006


Guess what? I've been "demoted" again. I am now no better than an aging JRT. Ben gave me attitude when I woke him up this morning... and when he went to the kitchen, he could smile at the dog and give it a belly rub. He hugged the dog goodbye... and when I stepped outta the house, I was totally ignored. Tell me. Am I supposed to be sad, disappointed, or angry? I don't even know what to feel now. That I am obviously not even a dog in his eyes. I am pissed off. The more I think about it... the more fuel is added into the fire.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE TREAT ME AS?! AM I WORTH LESS THAN A FUCKING DOG WHO CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT EAT, DRINK, POO AND PEE?!

Good. I should hang on to this anger. This is the anger that makes me strong. This is the anger that will help get me outta this predicament. This is the anger I need.

More anger. Wonderful. Now I'm just being treated like an idiot by someone who came into the office looking for my colleague. He's asking me to photocopy stuff... and teaching me how to do it. Hah !!~! Just coz I don't respond, coz I don't want to, he assumes that I don't get it and repeats his entire set of instructions. Gawd. Why do dicks like this exist in this world? Humans just don't deserve to live. Just look at the stuff thatz going on around. Animal abuse, child abuse, murder, assault, war... etc. What a horrible world this is.

Now I've just SMSed Ben telling him how I felt about things that went on this morning. Am awaiting his response. I predict, he will either 1. ignore my SMS totally; or 2. respond in anger; or 3. respond with one word "k". hmm ookie, my predictions were way off this time. He claimed that he said goodbye, but I didn't hear it [what am I now? DEAF?]... and that if he doesn't sayang the dog, it'll pee all over the floor. Huh?! How much bullshit can someone come out with? And I thought his lame reason for smoking (if he doesn't smoke, he'll get asthma) was bad enuff... now this. Just one word - DUHHHHHHH

*sigh* Am really tempted to start on a private RO server again. Xilero - the one jem recommended to me a few days ago. Thing is, am not too sure if I gonna have the time to spare anymore... plus itz gonna be pretty boring if I'm playing it alone huh? Ah well, perhaps, if I've got nothing better to do @ home, I would. However, main gaming goal now - complete Suikoden III with all 108 Stars of Destiny, and embark on either Suikoden IV or Wild Arms 3. I am seriously lagging behind so bad. Those games should have been completed years ago.

Yeah... welcome to my life.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:52

Sunday, January 15, 2006


sakuban, yume o mitta. ii yume da ne. yume no naka ni, mukashi no tomodachi atta. yume no naka no atashi honto ni ureshii. demo... zenbu de maboroshii dake. honto no sekai naka no atashi, kanashii hito dake. okitta, zenbude kieuseru.

[I had a dream last nite. It was a wonderful dream. In it, I saw friends from the past. In the dream, I was happy. However, it's nothing more than an illusion. The Me in the real world, is just the opposite. When I woke up from the dream, everything just disappears.]

I miss them. My friends. The times I had with them. All seem... so long ago. Itz been years since I really 'let go' of everything & enjoyed myself. I had truly fallen. The Me from the past, is no longer existing in the real world. I don't even know why the fuck am I allowing all this to happen. Perhaps the real me is still sleeping inside somewhere. The person who used to... well, just do it. The person who was confident, arrogant, and... alive. Well, perhaps who I am today is the real Me. *shakes head* I really don't know anymore.

There is a JRT on the way to my house now. Ben's pooch. I don't want it here. The reason? Someone lodged a report with the police when Ben's stupid dad took the pom out for a walk w/o a leash. Now they are afraid that AVA will conduct a check at their place and take one of the dogs away, as it's illegal to keep more than 1 of an approved breed. Besides... I believe the JRT hasn't been microchipped or licensed. I understand his worry. But c'mon, does it mean that the burden has to fall to me? Shouldn't he have known in the 1st place that itz against the damned law and shouldn't he have taken all necessary precautions? Itz so like his family. They fuck up, they come out with excuses & insist that they are "right". Fuck it manx.

Wasted hours earlier, waiting for them to finish their damned dinner and their shopping. Now itz Sunday nite. What did I accomplish today? NOTHING!!! I didn't even manage to complete Thomas's chapter 2 earlier. I was closed. But I got wiped out in a battle and had to restart frm tha save point. *sigh* It wasn't a good day.

Shady self-destructed @ 23:35

Saturday, January 14, 2006


Another Sat & I'm in the office. Gawd... when will this end? My colleague's nightmare will be till the 1st week of nxt mth. She can start her countdown in terms of days. Me? I can only do it using "months" as a unit. *sigh* I've never felt so trapped by a job b4. In fact, this is the worst job that I've ever taken up [and I initially thought that Matrix was bad]. I seriously wish that it doesn't get worse. And that the nxt job would improve somehow. Life's this way, I guess. When u are stuck in a bad situation... u can't imagine anything worse, till u experienced it. Well, maybe with one exception. Can u think of a lousier husband than Ben is? Uhhh ookie, to be fair, there are those who are perpetual gamblers, heavy drinkers who bash up their wives when drunk [plus... there's always Ben's dad who is worse]. Perhaps I should learn to be grateful of the things I have now instead of seeking change in the hope of improving my life? Hah! Reminds me of the people who accept all things thrown their way w/o protest, w/o determination to get outta the cesspit.

Now... I guess I'll be thankful if I can stay alive for another 4hrs... to go home to an empty house once again. *sigh*

Shady self-destructed @ 14:31

Friday, January 13, 2006


It didn't rain this morning. Went down to CCK polyclinic on my bike. Was early for the appointment so I just hung around and waited. As scheduled, the doc saw me at 9:30am... and I was thinking to myself - perhaps things won't be that bad afterall. But alas. I was disappointed yet again. The doc told me that they have yet to retrieve my results... hence I gotta wait another hour for them to trace it. Plus, she said that I should have came that early, should have returned in about 3wks time... as during the past 2 weeks, there were public holidays so no one was working. [Yeah so? MY problem issit?] Nvm. So went to get breakfast, have a smoke & a poop and when I returned, I was in for another fucked up situation. There, written on my report was - no lung leisions. WAD THE FUCK?! The doc still has the cheek to ask me if I went for the wrong xray. Hello!! Am I that stupid that I can't differentiate between a foot and a lung? Anyway... doc says that itz probably nothing serious & that it might be soft tissue injury. For that, she recommends acupuncture coz theres nothing she can do. Wonderful ehx?

My consultation fee: $8. Total time wasted: 2.5hrs. I've since paid back 2hrs and am left with another 1/2. Am determined not to get another deduction this mth. I'm not gonna let matters rest there... I'm gonna lodge a complaint as such 'human error' is really unacceptable in the medical industry. Imagine what could have happened... if they mixed up the results of 2 lung x-rays? One of which is a healthy lung, and one needs surgery? The poor sod with the healthy lung would be undergoing a meaningless surgery while the fucker who really needs help goes home thinking everything is okay, only to die w/o a reason days later? Wishful thinking that they gonna refund me that $8. But such mistakes are really fucked.

As usual. It was another boring day at wrk. Hmm but there is hope. Today the principal told me that since Shannon is leaving, I'm to take over her job duties & they would hire another more suitable person to be a manager. Good, I was thinking to myself. When I take over her dutites officially, I'll be known as a "secretary" - which means, I'll definitely be covered my the Employment Act. There will be a visit down to the MOM soon.

Plus a visit down to the Legal Aid Bureau of coz. Ben is not home yet. Gave the lame excuse saying that he has to help his mom coz the new sofa they ordered arrives today. Hmm... so? I don't see him staying home to help me when our sofa arrived. What is his brother? Handicapped? Just another excuse not to come home, I believe. Plus, he borrowed $10 frm his boss this morning to buy cigarettes, after I refused to transfer my $ to him. Of coz I refuse!!! I've got only $19 left. Even had to use my stash for 2T earlier. Fuck it. This is not what I signed up for when I scribbled on the marriage certificate. I'm not gonna be poor forever, hanging around with a useless piece of shite like him. I'm gonna get a new job, gonna get a divorce... and for once, follow the resolutions I've set myself for the year.

1st task on the list - new job. Wish me luck.

Shady self-destructed @ 21:56

Thursday, January 12, 2006


Itz been a really cold & wet day. The only incident that made it all betta happened during my lunch break, when this woman came and shared my table with me. Initially I wondering... wth is she doing? There are like so many other seats but she chose to sat just opposite me? Then in the midst of her meal, she asked me to 'look after' her food while she goes make a fone call. She returned, finished eating & before leaving for good, she told me to "man man chi" (eat slowly). I dunno. Somehow that gesture brightened up my day. Probably our paths will nvr cross again, and even if it does, I'll probably not recognise her ever... but it was nice. Well ~ just one question, would u trust a stranger with ur food? Not many ppl would huh?

Well. Nice. Ben just switched channels again. From WWE Smackdown on Supersports to some lame-ass Chinese olden drama. I wonder what his problem is. Promised me a good meal tonite when I came home after tuition... oh yeah... I came back to canned soup, 4 days old frozen sushi [that gone bad - I threw it away] and half-cooked hardened pasta. Welcome to my life. Really. He had his dinner while waiting for me to get off work... with my money of course. Part of the $50 I got last nite. I earn. He spends. Now... what's that again about wives spending $ on 'unecessary' items?? Items that - make a woman prettier for whose sake? To hell with all chauvanist males on Earth. Just... just... DIE!!!!

I really pray that it doesn't rain tml morning. The polyclinic is such a goddamned long walk away frm the nearest LRT station, Keat Hong. Itz amazing... how terrible this neighbourhood is. I just find a new reason per day to hate it even more.

Shady self-destructed @ 22:56


I think I'm gonna get ill soon. Am feeling kinda feverish rite now. *sigh* Went to return the GuanYin cross stitch last nite, merely half done... all the way to Pasir Ris. Got soaked totally to tha skin -.-" Yeah... even the army windbreaker wasn't much of a help due to the real heavy rain. Been a long time since I was that wet. Anyway... went home, took a warm soak & then itz off to Zzz huddled under the quilt.

If I had taken the train to wrk this morning, I wouldn't feel so down now. Got up at 7am, saw that it was pretty bright outside so went back to get another 1/2hr of shut eye. When I woke up again at 7:40am (yeah I know... the 1/2 hr was kinda long) it was raining cats & dogs out there. I knew I was doomed. If I took public transport then, I would arrive at Bishan no earlier than 9:30am - had a tuition class tonite so I couldn't really stay back. Was on the way to the MRT, and realised that the rain hath gotten smaller, so asked Ben if he was still willing to send me to wrk. He agreed... I waited for him to come down. As I waited, the rain got slightly heavier. It was damn jia lat when on the PIE, worse when we exited @ Bishan. Hence... I got soaked. Again. This time, there is no warm shower, no quilt to huddle under. Here I am, sitting at my desk wearing soggy socks & shoes, with a damp skirt [was totally wet till I went to J8 to borrow their toilets' hand-dryer] & a wet windbreaker hanging behind me on tha back of my chair. u tell me... how not to fall ill this way? I still have 9 more hrs in the air-con... then it'll be off to tuition & I wouldn't get my warm shower till 9:30pm (if lucky... if not, 10pm).

Ookie. I just changed outta my wet shoes into the dry pair at wrk. Heels again. Thatz gonna aggravate my foot condition, I tell u. *sigh* Well... at least I'll be gg to the polyclinic tml for an evaluation. I wonder how many hours is that gonna take. The waiting time @ polyclinics are horrible [approx. 2hrs on the average], for walk-ins, that is. This is the 1st time am gg for an appointment so am not too sure how long will that take. 1hr? Seriously am wondering why doesn't the govt do something about that?!!! Hire more doctors, open more clinic rooms (there are so many that are empty), shorten the damned waiting time. If u a real sick, running a temperature or having dirrhoea & puking away... u think waiting 2hrs is gonna be pleasant? Oh oh... go to private clinics, I hear u say? Fuck lah. Not everyone is that rich !!! Of coz, the ones "up the ladder" will brush us normal folks for complaing - saying that since itz subsidised, we shouldn't be making that huge a fuss. D-U-H. The rich and the "important" get all the priviledges I see ~ even when it comes to medical shite.

Fuck, the skirt is goddamned uncomfortable. Couldn't dry it totally coz the dryer at J8 is the "new kind" - u know, the kind where u stick ur hands in and the warm wind blows on it? Pooh... I actually went to the baby's room to use the old school kinda dryer. Too many ppl around, and there was no door, so I couldn't possibly stand there in my underwear. Had to tip toe and pray that the wind will dry it up somehow. Getting ill soon.

Thankfully the original owner of the cross stitch paid me a nominal sum of $50 last nite. If not, I wouldn't be able to pay the doctor's bills tml (unless I dig into my stash). *sigh* Too bad that I didn't have time to complete the entire piece, or it would be $288 instead of $50 =( Was initially hoping that I can use the cash to purchase other kits for my home's deco... but now it seems that I'm gonna spend all of it on the doc tomorrow, and on meals till paydate. I wonder if it's enuff, considering that I gotta pay for petrol too. Shall I just not smoke?

Gahhh speaking of smoking, Ben bought yet another pkt of cigarettes last nite - how he got the $? Well according to him, his boss pased him $15 to purchase a sample for wrk... and he used that $15 to buy cigarettes instead. So how is he gonna explain to the boss that there is no $ and no sample? That I've got no freaking idea. Apparently he used his previous company's cash card to buy cigs b4 as well... hmmm kinda doubtful story huh? Itz hard to believe that a company will allow employees to do such thing ehx? Hmmm then again, that might be the reason why he got terminated? Ahhhh dunno lah. Itz easier to believe that he has some secret stash like I do, and he uses that $ during "emergency" periods a.k.a. when he runs outta cigarettes and there's nth left in the joint account to purchase a new pkt.

HaiZzz... how great would it be if I could just get back under my quilt on the bed @ home and snooze till late afternoon. Reminder to self: marry a rich man should there be a 2nd time.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:45

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


My this mth's paycheck seems doomed to fly outta the window within the week it comes in. Was going thru' the bills yesterday. Plus not to mention, Ben alredi has "plans" to spend the $. Paying for the shoerack for instance, then a new habitat for the rabbits, more pet supplies & add-ons, renewal of his bike's road tax, bike repairs & maintenece, his stupid parents welfare fund with his siblings... and of coz, the $ he would have borrowed by then - to purchase cigarettes. Then I gotta set aside funds to pay for my poly CPF edu loan (got a feeling that it'll be another mth skipped). Plus gotta think of someway to repay my parents for the Hong Leong loan that they've been financing all along. Oh gawd, I'm going to see the doc for a followup of my foot this Fri... how the fuck am I gonna pay for that?

Plus I don't understand why am I the only one worried about such matters?! Someone just takes it easy and thinks that his insurance $ is gonna cover it all. Face it lah. Look at this scenario. He says that his insurance payout is 6k+ after deduction for the bike repairs & lawyer fees. Fine. Let's place it at 6.5k. Now do the Math.

  • Return to Ben's mum - 3.5k
  • Bikes maintence - 1k (minimum)
  • Hong Leong loan repayment to parents - 1k
  • New Year clothes & stuff - $300
  • Remainder = $700

That, of course, is a very generous estimate. The bikes maintence can go on well above 1k, considering it's both bikes at a time. New year clothes & goodies can go way till $500. Plus, I won't be surprised if he spends on misc. stuff even before paying for the above. Remember his plans of the shoerack & rabbit habitat? Gosh... dough is flying outta the window in the hundreds manx. The value of a dollar is really small nowadayz. Imagine... everytime we go grocery shopping, it'll total up to at least $100? Perhaps buying stuff frm the wet market will be slightly more economical... but who the hell would wake up at that hour?

If u ask me, itz the cigarettes that's sapping up all the money. How am I gonna make him see that he should quit for the sake of our future (that is IF there is still a future left... coz I'm alredi 1.5 steps outta the door - if I could afford the damned lawyer fees & taking a day off to visit the lawyer, I would have GONE by now)?

Ridiculous plan of getting a landed property within 15 years. I'll be thankful if we can clear our debts within 15 years... much less live in landed property. *pui* Get a car? I'll be grateful if I don't have to scrimp and save for every single meal I eat out & I'll be really glad if I don't need to worry about having enuff petrol for my bike b4 paydate siahx. Wonderful plans... but plans will remain dreams unless action is taken. I don't want to be a dreamer for my entire life, coz it seems that, if I prolong my dreams... they somehow turn into nightmares.

Nightmare @ Jelapang Road. Ha ha ha.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:40

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


*yawn* I'll still say the same thing - time passes damn fast when itz a holiday. Look itz alredi 1+ now... should be gg for my lunch break if I'm still at wrk. But I'm not. I just got up. Which is good. The past few weeks have been delightful in terms of holiday. Ahhh well... then itz hell for Feb & March. Hmm my colleague Shannon is thinking of resigning liaox. Eh frankly if I have the cash to spare, I would just throw 2k at them too. If I can get a betta job that pays much higher, there is no reason why I should stay till Dec 2007 (jem was just telling me this on MSN - and he does have a point).

Got a shock of my life last nite. I dropped one of my hamsters - wiggled outta my hand when I was trying to determine the gender. Fell onto a floor with a sickening thud. For a few minutes it just lay on itz back motionless on the floor... it's mouth opened and closed. I prodded it and it refused to move. I tot it died. Thankfully it starting moving a while later, when I took it into my hands. Seriously... I wouldn't know how to forgive myself if I had killed it.

Anyway, caught the rabbits mating. Baby bunnies on the way?

Last nite's 1st session went on fine. Thankfully the blk is near my house, so I can save on transport fees too. I need $ and frankly I'm considering of taking up more assignments liao. Ben is still not too worried about the financial matters. Fuck it lah, am gonna take it all into my own hands. I can't depend on him much longer.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:48

Sunday, January 08, 2006


Cleaned the 2 mice tanks & their accesories earlier - gahhh it was a tasking job that took me around 2hrs in total. *stretches* Seems that Kibo is gonna survive afterall ^-^ Oh... and I did a count of Jill's litter and Noot's litter... I can no longer tell them apart coz they are about the same size -.-" All I know is that there are 13 in total. lol... I wonder how many are gonna live till adulthood. That'll bring my mice count up till: 28 !!~! Phew XD Hopefully more pet-sitting assignments come in... the extra cash would really come in handy. Frankly... if I don't have to wrk & I have a husband that brings in alot of dough, I will consider fostering animals on behalf of the various societies in Singapore too & not to mention, do volunteer work. But now... I simply don't have the time. Need to find more means to make $.

JianSu, Kibo + pups

A closer look @ them

Enjoy the pictures. Am too lazy to update my gallery at the moment. Did I ever mention that I'm glad Blogger has an uploading image function??

Anyway I managed to complete Geddoe's Chapter 2 earlier today. I hope I didn't miss out any Star of Destiny. Am particularly worried about Guillome & Augustine. Guillome coz a particular guide on Gamefaqs.com mentioned that he can be obtained in Hugo's Chapter 2 after a winning a duel. I didn't get into a duel in Hugo's chapter 2, but I lost the duel with him in Hugo's chapter 1. I hope I didn't miss a character!!~! Augustine coz after since I played Chris's chapter 2, I could find him no longer. Oh manx...

Well... time for the vampire show in Chn 8. Then it'll be off to Zzz-land, and another stupid work day tomorrow. Phooey.

Shady self-destructed @ 23:08


Itz depressing. Went Shop & Save earlier to get some food for the nite... and realised that I'm down to my last $10. *sigh* It would be at least another 10 days before I get my paycheck. Oh boy, how am I gonna eat with $1 a day? Not to mention, am now left with 1 pkt of cigarettes - and I'm sharing it with a human chimney. I just hope the damned principal will reimburse me the transport fare in cash nxt week. If not... am gonna die manx.

Ben just asked Zen's dad over to take measurements for a shoerack. A shoerack? Fuck... thatz seriously one of the last things on my mind now. I wonder how much will that damned rack cost -.-" As if we have $ to pay for it in the 1st place. He's asking about a rack for his parents place too. Aaargghhh more $ is flying outta the window. Earlier, at Shop N Save, I was asking how is he gonna get $ for petrol... he simply said that the problems will be solved at that time. Aaargghhh why do I get the feeling that there's gonna be more borrowing going on? Can't he just understand that borrowing doesn't solve problems but in fact makes it worse? Plus he still dare say we gotta get new year clothing & stuff for CNY when my pay comes in. Fucking stupid. Who cares about new clothes & CNY when there isn't enuff to spare NOW?!

Damn. Time really flies on an off day. Itz almost 6pm alredi. Thankfully Tues is another holiday - something else to look forward to? I hope tml's tuition session goes on fine. I haven't tutored a kid for a long time alredi. I wonder if this one would be ez to manage. Can't stand it when I'm pushed to a kid who doesn't even put effort into his/her own work. How to improve that fella's grades when nothing in done on his/her part?

Gawd... this world really sux.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:53


I feel like kicking someone. Ben, to be precise. Was watching FA Cup match between Nuneaton Borough & Middlesbrough... till the last 10 min, he went to switch the channels of the tv - to some stupid chinese movie again. I checked soccernet earlier... I missed a goal. Fucking shit. Can't he just wait for the match to end? Does he always have to hog the remote control? Yah I know, this is a "small matter", but it's been going on for quite sometime. He's always the one who determines what to watch over dinner and all. He's always the one who is watching tv... to the extent that i didn't get to touch the PS2 over the week. What a sloth. And now, itz past 1pm, and he's still snoozing away... I am starting to get hungry *sigh* but am just too lazy to navigate to Greenridge in the rain.

Anyway, am starting tuition tomorrow. Yep. I got a P5 girl assignment. Location wise, she's at 540 Jelapang Road. Have yet to determine where the block is, but since itz on the same road, it shouldn't be too far away. That'll take me outta the house frm 7:30 - 9pm, Mon & Thurs. That'll be additional $160/mth. Ain't much, but it's at least twice the hourly rate I'm paid wrking at the damned language school. Frankly, being a full-time tutor pays pretty well too. The only problem is the assignments. Am I able to get sufficient assignments to feed me for the entire mth? Then... there's no CPF contribution. Ah well... erase that idea. I really pray that I'll be able to get outta this job asap. Perhaps I'll just save up to break the contract after 1yr. I know... itz 1k. Not a small amount. But I can easily earn the 1k back if I find a better paying job. Based on my qualifications... it shouldn't be too huge a problem eh?

Money money money. Gahhhh.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:24

Saturday, January 07, 2006


I wonder... what other skeletons has Ben been keeping in the closet. It was raining this morning. Ben doesn't have to wrk for some reason. B4 I left the house, he asked me to change outta my jeans, coz it was raining pretty bad. Then he went into the room & got me a pair of track pants. Addidas. Well... not only itz weird that I've never seen him in that pair b4, it is oso weird that it's exactly my size !!~! He has the same waistline as I do, so I'm not too surprised when it fits... what got me questioning that the length fits !!~! Hello?! He is like 1.73m and I'm a full 20cm shorter. What he hell is he doing keeping a pair of pants that size? When I asked, he claims that his brother gave it to him... and quickly deflected the topic to rabbits -.-" It just decreases his credibility, doesn't it?

I simply refuse to believe that he's the owner of the pants [coz we just moved, remember? If it was really his, I would have seen it during the unpacking stages] & that his bro was the one that gave it to him. My best guess? It belongs to someone else... someone that I've nvr met b4 and he would never want me to meet. Someome whom I suspect that has always been in the picture. Someone stupid though. Someone who is the reason for his sudden overtimes & not having dinner at home. Paranoia again? b4 u brush it off as me being paranoid... just think of the many times that my "suspicion" turned out to be the truth?

Gaaahhh itz gonna be a looooong day. Darn Mdm Ji is in the office this early. I've got so much more to blog about, but I doubt I'm gonna get the chance to do it. Well, later then.

Shady self-destructed @ 08:49

Friday, January 06, 2006


It feels as if months and years have passed... but it's only Friday. Haaaaiiiii ~ 2 more days before I can take a break. Sundays just seem so far away, and passes by so quickly when it finally arrives. Well, there's another public holiday nxt week. At least that's something to look forward to. Then there's CNY at the end of tha mth... 2 consecutive days. That'll be good - provided I don't spend all the time travelling. Gahh, my hopes that I'll be off for a week won't come true. The full-time students will take a week's break. But the school won't be closed as the part-time classes go on as per normal. *sigh* Stupid students. Really. Who the fuck wants to do anything during the 1st week of CNY? The idiots are just so concerned about studying... they forget to think that if classes are held, others will be deprived of a holiday!!~! Others like poor ol' me. Aaarrrgghhhh the entire Feb & March are devoid of public holidays. Thatz gonna be living hell. I wonder how the hell am I gonna get thru' all thise. 2 mths down... 22 more to go b4 I'm able to sumbit my resignation letter. Life don't seem too good.

After years of emailing and all... I finally met blur last nite. Initially I was thinking if he would stand me up, as I waited for around 50 min liao. Then it ended up that he was late due to the rain. Yeah it was raining quite badly at that time. Well, it was weird for a while, due to personality difference and all, but he was nice enuff to send me home last nite on his bike. Thankfully it had stopped raining by then. Then we spent minutes checking out mine, and just chatting in the carpark. Gossiped a little about the female Gilera rider living in the area who returned at almost the same time we did [the one I believe Ben is attracted to - due to constant mentioning]. She's pretty in her own way, I gotta say - kinda ah lian though... but doesn't seem like someone I can connect with, so I never bothered to even say hi when I see her. Finally I had to go home coz I so badly needed to pee -.-" Hmmm... blur's bike? No idea what model that exactly is... but itz a larger version of a Super 4. Super 8? hahahahah!!~!

I wonder what kinda impression he got frm me though. Ah well, doesn't really matter, does it? I can't control the thoughts of another person. I can only be me.

*yawn* I am really goddamned sleepy rite now. Tues & Wed was good, as I had to "travel" a little on errands. The travelling was a nice break to the boring office that I seem doomed to spend my time in. Now I'm just hoping that they'll reimburse my transport fee, as they should. It amounts up to $8.70 ookie. If they are not gonna return me the $ for that, I'm gonna take it up to the MOM. But considering that the way the govt. operates... they'll just say that there is no proof of my travels & that there wasn't an agreement that transport will be reimbursed anyway. Gaaahhhhhhh. I should have made them sign a written agreement to repay me the transport $ siah. Itz not as if I'm going to those places for leisure [though I admit, I did eat a little bit of snake - ard 15 min each time].

Come to think of it, I should really change the bank account for my ezlink GIRO auto-top up soon. Itz currently linked to my parents' account. That isn't too fair for them, is it? Ben just takes it easy... ecouraging me to take public transport so that I don't have to spend $ topping up petrol. Of coz lah ~ when I take public transport, he doesn't need to pay. If I do manage to claim the $8.70 frm the company, am using that for petrol siah. That ass really takes too many things for granted. Now that the Hong Leong loan is being furnished by my parents... he doesn't even bother making plans to repay them. When probed, he'll just say he's waiting for the insurance claim to come in. C'mon lah, with the huge mountain of debts we have... will the 6k frm the insurance make much of a difference? He alredi said that he'll repay his mom 3.5k first. Yeah yeah itz always about his parents huh?

Oh... speaking of Ben, he was the reason why I had the opportunity to meet blur last nite. Initially he called me at ard 3:30pm, claiming that he has finished wrk and is going home to prepare dinner. Then he SMSed at 5+ saying that he suddenly has to go collect some sample frm a ship that was informed at the last min. Phooey ~ frankly, u think I'm gonna buy that? It was kinda coincidental though... Jacky came home just 5 min b4 Ben did. He walked past the carpark were I was still chatting. So I had this gut feeling that Ben won't be far behind. I was right. I went home, turned on the light and had just switched on the computer when Ben rang the doorbell. Hmm... u telling me that they weren't together?

Ahhhhh the huge amounts of bullshit I gotta face on a daily basis. I wonder what story is it gonna be tonite - or will it just yet another coffee session?

Shady self-destructed @ 09:26

Monday, January 02, 2006


Oh manx... Haze's amazing litter of 12 on boxing day is now down to 1. I wonder if he/she will survive eventually. Jill just gave birth today as well - New Year babies ^-^ The number? I dare not count. Noot is well on the way too... hers should "pop out" sometime this week. Well, Haze's little one alredi has a name waiting for it should it survive. Kibo. It means hope in Japanese. I guess I chose that coz itz the only one left outta such a huge litter. Guess there were just too many inexperienced females around, burrying most of them under bedding. Thing is, the bodies were never found, so I suppose cannabalism took place too. *shrugx*

Got my hands on Jan's Reader's Digest, and know what? My comment about the lousy video game article appeared on page 7 !!~! Of coz, there are the usual breed of idiots who claim that video games are indeed related to real-life crime. Just take a look at this airhead's comment on the same page - 'As a mother of five children, I found "Deadly Games" (Novemeber 2005) frightening. I believe that video games have a large influence on people's minds and that children imitate what they have mastered in this vicious games. What more horros can these video games bring into our homes, our communities and the world? They should be banned!' [Cherry Adtz, Philippines] Yeah rite. I pity the brood of 5 with a mom like her !!~! Vicious - I would like her to name a game that is truly vicious manx. Hmmm perhaps phantom morgaria (I dunno if I got the spelling right) might be considered as one, due to the real life scenes of ppl being killed. Then again, hell, I haven't managed to get my hands on that game, so I can't comment for sure? I've been hunting it since secondary skool time. But considering that it was such an 'old' game, how realistic can the graphics be? D-U-H.

Ah well... the world is all about freedom of speech yeah? Though it will be a wonderful experience to amputate the fingers of Cherry Adtz - to prevent her frm further typing nosense. Ban video games? Hah. I can think of a thousand "evil" things to do to someone like her !!~! And no. Video games did not teach me those methods. They came out frm my overactive imagination... what now? Blame television? _|_

Shady self-destructed @ 22:13

Sunday, January 01, 2006


HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!

Am gonna start 2006 on a positive note :o) Though... I declined to go out with a few friends tonite. Not mentally prepared lah... was alredi all set to have a movie marathon at home, or a game marathon. Then blur SMSed and asked mi to go down to Kallang. Ah well... I hope they'll have a great time. Itz a wonderful gesture, but I'm not prepared to step outta my shell as yet. I will though, sometime soon. It was tempting to just get off my butt, on my bike and down to meet the guys... but ah well... sloth took over. Didn't help that I was in the midst of watching "Just Like Heaven" - it was a wonderful movie. Think I'm getting way too soft, being able to appreciate a show like that. Hahah the Archangel in the past would have scoffed and wouldn't be able to last thru the entire show =) Well... time passes... people change.

I just hope that friends will learn to accept the new me. Of coz, am gonna put more effort into friendships this year. I've been letting too many of the people around me drift away. I can be an island - a solo machine... but it'll be nice getting outta the shell now and then.

What makes it easier to bear is that there are ppl on MSN still chatting with me. Friends that I've never met. Enough of thinking that only "losers" stay at home. Besides, it's not that scary being alone when there's the PC and the PS2 around. Heh heh maybe I will go on an anime marathon next. Or should I give in to the temptation of Suikoden III? Hmm will leave that decision for later. Am now chatting with DP. I missed him :o) Apparently his processor got overheated due to the amazing hours he spends playing stuff... haha... and now he's home using his lil sister's computer. I really missed the hours spent fighting monsters with him. Ahhh some thinking of a past now. It all started with Fairyland, then we went on to Shazz, then it was MSN for a time, then Maple, ROSE online. Those were the wonderful days ~

Oh man, am playing "Heaven Not Enough" on repeat mode.

Anyway, back to the movie. It was nice - a fairytale I must say. Hmm spoiler alert... about a guy who moves into an apartment and meets a ghost. The ghost of a girl whom he was supposed to meet (matchmade) - but they never did coz he stood her up, and she got into an accident that very night and lapsed into a coma. Itz all coincidences... the girl has been dreaming of a garden - the very garden that the guy, a landscape architect created. The plot is too far fetched to believe, I must say... but it's nice and sweet all the same. How 2 ppl are just destined to be together, and how they eventually get together under different circumstances. There have been real life stories like this though. Perhaps destiny does exist afterall.

Ahhh well... anime marathon begins now.

Shady self-destructed @ 02:01






.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page



Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.

In Progress

  • Dark Cloud 2
  • Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
  • Kingdom Hearts
  • Kingdom Hearts II
  • Wild Arms 3

In Queue

  • Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
  • Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
  • Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
  • Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
  • Dark Cloud
  • Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
  • Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
  • Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
  • Final Fantasy X
  • Final Fantasy X-2
  • Final Fantasy XII
  • Grandia III
  • Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
  • Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
  • Persona 3
  • Rogue Galaxy
  • Rule of Rose
  • Shadow Hearts: Covenant
  • Shadow Hearts: From The New World
  • Shining Force Neo
  • Silent Hill 3
  • Silent Hill 4: The Room
  • Soul Cradle [Jap]
  • Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
  • Suikoden IV
  • Suikoen V
  • Tales of the Abyss
  • Wild Arms Alter Code: F
  • Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

  • Ar tonelico II [?]
  • Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
  • Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
  • Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
  • Digimon World Data Squad
  • Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
  • Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
  • Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
  • Drakengard
  • Drakengard 2
  • Dual Hearts
  • Elvandia Story [?]
  • Ephemeral Fantasia
  • Eternal Ring
  • Evergrace
  • Forever Kingdom
  • Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
  • Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
  • Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
  • Growlanser Generations
  • Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
  • Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
  • Jade Cocoon 2
  • Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
  • Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
  • Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
  • MS Saga: A New Dawn
  • Musashi Samurai Legend
  • Odin Sphere
  • Okage: Shadow King
  • Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
  • Radiata Stories
  • RPG Maker 2 [?]
  • RPG Maker 3 [?]
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
  • Shining Force Exa
  • Shining Wind [?]
  • Shining Tears
  • Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
  • Steambot Chronicles
  • Summoner
  • Summoner 2
  • Tales of Destiny [?]
  • Tales of Destiny II [?]
  • Tales of Legendia
  • Tales of Rebirth [?]
  • Tales of Symphonia [?]
  • The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
  • Tsugunai: Atonement
  • Unlimited Saga
  • Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
  • Wild Arms 5 [?]
  • Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
  • Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
  • Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
  • .hack//Infection Part 1
  • .hack//Mutation Part 2
  • .hack//Outbreak Part 3
  • .hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

  • Grandia II
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
  • Legend of Legia II
  • Shadow Hearts
  • Silent Hill 2
  • Suikoden III

Trash Bin

  • 7 Sins
  • Urbz: Sims in The City
  • Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...


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+ C r e d i t s +

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