Entries

Profile

Links

Archives

Archives

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else


I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free


Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel


Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone


No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try


Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye


Fade to Black - Metallica




Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life


Saturday, December 31, 2005


I didn't get an MC eventually - doctor refused to gimme one for my condition. *sigh* I got a time-off chit instead... and am now taking a huge risk. After blogging, I'm going to sleep. I ain't going to wrk today and when I return on Tues, I'll just sign a no pay leave form & state medical reasons for leave. I know, that might just end up in a huge pile of shit, but seriously... I'm fucking tired now - considering that i woke up at 4:30 and didn't get back to bed. Anyway, x-rays were taken and I gotta return for a follow up in 2 weeks time. That'll be nxt mth... another $50 flying outta the window?? Gahh!! But that'll be just time-off frm wrk, I'll pay back the hours. Now that I've decided to have my own bank account, I betta make sure that I save every cent siah. Divorce lawyer fees are gonna be a bomb as well. Darn ~ I should have went to study law in poly. Then again, I should have taken medical science hor?? hahaha... I ain't only talking big, my grades & O' level subjects qualify for both ookie!!~!

*head swells*

Anyway, yet another Ben slamming session. 2 more to add on to his list of sins. Before he went to bed, he said he'll fetch me down to the polyclinic today. When I checked with him, he asked me to wake him up at 8am. I did. The result - I got a tantrum throwing child, hurling things all over the bathroom (no kidding! he did that literally), yelling at the top of his voice and giving me the grouchy pouchy attitude all the way at the polyclinic. Not to mention, he drove his bike at top speed as well earlier. Yet another example of irresponsiblity.

Earlier, spoke to my dad over the fone. Dad wants to come over with mum tml ^-^ They'll be bringing the cross-stitch book I ordered via Yahoo! auctions as well. Will check the item before I post any feedback for the seller. Oh, it was only when I told Ben, right after the conversation with dad... that he told me he might be meeting Zen tml. To go down to Zen's dad's factory to do the wooden cabinets for his family. Gah!!~! Yet another instance of planning w/o informing me. C'mon lah... I know ppl will say that couples have the right to have their own lives. True. But pls don't forget, if u are in a marriage, everything u do will have an impact on the other person... so it'll be just respectful if u gather the other party's views b4 making a decision (ie. fixing an appointment with a friend... etc.). UNLESS, u are in my situation, whereby one partner is alredi hopeless, then yeah, ur actions will be justifiable. lol... just that i don't do it as well... coz I've always thought that 2 wrongs don't make a right.

Does that sound contradicting to u?

Shady self-destructed @ 11:49


*sigh* I dunno whether it's the right thing to do or otherwise... but I'm taking medical leave today. Am making my way to CCK polyclinic later to request for an x-ray on my foot. The painkillers don't help - they just well, numb the pain (d-u-h). When the effects wear off, the pain comes back... though not as bad that the time I further injured it... it's still existent. Which means, there's is something wrong with the foot, whether I like it or not, and the problem can't be solved via medication. Seriously... I hope something will come outta this visit. If not, itz just gonna be another waste of $ and well, there isn't much left this mth.

Anyway, I woke up ard 4:30am earlier and I have yet to get back to sleep. Too pissed off I guess. I called Ben on his mobile, no response. Then finally he SMSed saying that he's on his way back. Slightly after 5am, I decided to take a walk down to Greenridge to purchase ciggies. Guess what I saw? I saw Ben, Eric & Jacky chatting just outside the shopping ctr. When they saw me, they were kinda shocked. Hmm... I wasn't too shocked to see them though - was kinda expecting that they were together. Was alredi mentally prepared that everything Ben said was a lie. His defence? It was a coincidence that he bumped into them while going to buy cigarettes for me. Seriously... who the fuck is gonna believe that? Didn't I get the timing right and all? The time is perfect - for them to go to a ktv pub @ Tanjong Pagar, then chill out for a coffee session at Greenridge after that. Now, who can tell me that I'm being paranoid?

Further evidence that he didn't even leave for work, but took Eric's car to the ktv instead - his bike was parked in the exact same position that we left it earlier. Hah, u telling me that no one will occupy the spot when he's gone? C'mon lah... 1st level spots are "high demand" ookie. If u come back too late, there'll be no slots. Goddamnit. He must think that I'm a retard or something, to buy his lame reasons. I was a Literature student [an A1 student, I must proudly acclaim]. I am capable of analysing situations & reading between the lines ookie !!~! Not to mention, hello, I am a gamer. I am able to think outside the box for gawd's sake. Seriously, Ben would need better lies to convince me.

Ehhh today is the last day of 2005. Resolutions will be put into action once the clock strikes midnite. *sigh* Should have taken the medical leave nxt mth. Then again, its not too late now if I wanna go to wrk... but I'm like so mentally ready to stay at home... so yeah. Guess itz $50 outta the window. Screw the company manx.

Shady self-destructed @ 07:11

Friday, December 30, 2005


*sigh* Itz gonna be a looooong night. And I'm blogging so damn much today. Ben ain't at home again. I hope he's really working like he said he's gonna be - some last min thing that made him leave the house like 1/2hr ago. Told him to gimme a call when he reaches the office, so I can make sure that he's really wrking... he didn't =( Guess he went to meet Eric & Jacky afterall. Overheard him speaking in the loo [I was on the way to dump my clothes into tha laudry bin], and he was asking Eric stuff like "meet where?", "which part"... then "okay"? Right after that, he claims to get a call frm The Star Orion, asking him to supply a hose at this time of the nite. He made quite a good show of it too... making a couple of fone calls, speaking to his 'working ppl'. I know, I know, I am starting to sound rather paranoid... but considering that he hath lied before, u think I can place 100% trust in him now? Plus he says that the ship is leaving at 4am. Bet u... he'll come back ard 4+ then claim that the ship took all the way till that time to check one damned hose - in actual fact, he would have gone down to a pub @ Tanjong Pagar with his friends, drank & sang a bit (maybe even a few hostess) then come back.

Good imagination I have huh? But who can refute the logic involved?

Well, his pay just came in today, and settled almost all of this mth's bills. Gahhh... poor for the nxt mth again. Coz apparently, he claims that after settling all the bills, he only has about $30 left. Weird though. I did a tally earlier... there's like almost $300 "missing". Ugh, think my head will explode with all that thinking loh. Gahhh I hate liars !!~!

Shady self-destructed @ 23:39


I am 1 exp short of lvl 99 irritation now, and have hit lvl 80 annoyance + level 50 rage. It is taking alot of self-control to prevent myself frm yelling at the top of my lungs now. Perhaps I should take time-off for a "shouting session" soon, to prevent my blood vessel frm exploding. Itz now throbbing at my temple. I am having my period. Bad enuff. Have a fucked up start in the morning. Nevermind. Got further provoked during the 1st half of the day. Grrrr. My mood was alredi terrible when I left for lunch... am so tempted to punch something. Anything. Plus the weather wasn't that good.

Then during lunch, mr. asshole called me & the call ended with an arguement, with him giving me attitude again. Nah beh! All I told him was after wrk I'll be meeting a friend for dinner, whether he's coming along or not, doesn't matter - he snapped and say that so now he ain't impt in my life? Fuck lah... doesn't he do that to me all the time? I made it known and he argued that he hasn't done anyting like that for a while. Yeah RITE!!! He was doing it just LAST NIGHT (of coz I didn't say it), and then he just snapped and said that he'll call me after wrk - no promises. I believe he's taking this time to check if anyone is free for dinner, then he'll dump all plans he had with me. Ohhhhhh that son of a bitch.

Then come back to work? This customer came in seeking for an English course - he didn't sign up... then guess who got a earful frm the vice-principal? Me again!! She just seems to have a fucking point of view in every single thing that takes place. Asking me to gauge the level of the student who wishes to sign up. Fuck lah !!~! There isn't even a proper test to conduct, and u expect me to know a person's level just frm the way he speaks and reads? If that ain't bad, he wanted a business course. The school doesn't have it, despite claiming that they do in the brochure. So I am supposed to persuade him to enter a conversation course. Guess what? The stuff taught in the conversation course is something any primary school kid can do. Of coz itz easy to persuade a person if that fella has no prior knowledge of the langauge... but itz difficult when someone can understand enuff to converse with u. Aaarrrghhh her comments just irritate the shit outta me. She continues to say that I should tell the student our classes commence anytime. Instead I was told to say (after he left) that courses commence 2 weeks after a student register, but there's no deadline to registration date. Hello?! If that isn't "anytime", can someone tell me WHAT THE HELL THAT IS?!

Wah lan eh, I dun curse and swear much but I really wanna say that fucking nah beh chee bye... I hope she trips, falls and dies. She is always taking credit for the stuff I do... saying that 'she has', 'she will' - eventually who is the one doing all those shit? ME!!~! Putting me in impossible situations just coz she made some stupid promise to customers. Hello, u want me to get a foreign kid with fucked up scores into a local secondary school? Pls lah... use brain can? English 20/100. Which skool will accept sumone frm this kinda results? Principal not that much betta. Asking me to find a full-time Master of Science in sports studies for another student. Eh I am NOT a fucking search engine ookie? I managed to find 3, all part-time. In the 1st place, tell me how common this course is??

I just cross my fingers and hope lightning strikes the school & the place burns down. And that the principal + vice-principal are in the building when it does. As for Ben? Let him drown in a puddle of water or something... just get all these negatives outta my life !!!!!

Shady self-destructed @ 15:54


Yet another energy sapping morning, faced with a grouch in the early hours. *sigh* This is mental torture, I tell u. Whatever reserves I had set aside to survive thru' the day hath been totally wiped out in a short span of 3min. Itz a loooooong day ahead, with travelling involved I believe (coz there's this escrow thing that I've to go down HSBC @ Atrium Orchard to settle). Well - the positive side is, I get time off frm wrk. Self-given of coz... as I intend to take a walk at Spotlight while I'm there ^-^ If time allows, hell, I might even dao bao lunch to eat back home... considering that there is a registered article that I gotta pick up anyway :o)

Itz Friday. 2 more working days to the weekend.

Hah, someone wanted to meet Jacky for coffee last nite, but Jacky didn't call him back. I don't understand why does Ben still wanna keep a friend like him around - considering that Jacky only looks for Ben on his own time schedule, and when he needs some help. A friend in need, is a friend indeed eh? Anyway, none of my business [though I just felt that it'll be worth a comment] if he wants to hang on to such a worthless "friendship". I'll see how Jacky stands by him during the divorce proceedings. To think that Jacky is gonna get ROM soon. Poor Michelle. I hope she 'wakes up' before I do... and call the entire thing off. If not, I can foresee another female in my position. Hah ~ females are pathetic, aren't we? Allowing emotions to override logic. As if it ain't enuff that we have a disadvantage in this damned society, from the day we are born... we have to be further handicapped by emotion.

Anyway, to those girls who think that itz wonderful to be married to the love of ur life. Let me tell u, it isn't true. Whatever love is involved will errode thru' time, if the other party doesn't have you as the love of his life. If u really want a blissful relationship, a wonderful marriage... don't marry the love of ur life. Marry someone who views u as the love of his life. Only then will u be truly happy. It's always the case in a relationship. 1 partner will love the other partner more. Perhaps true love is not asking for something in return - but who the fuck really believes that? Continue sacrificing ur own happiness for the sake of another, you'll realise that u will never be truly happy... and what if the other parnter doesn't return the affection? You will have wasted years of ur life - like I did.

I don't see us being friends after divorce. We'll probably go our own seperate ways. Its a shame, coz he might have been a great friend, if not a husband. Phew ~ this is why I'm kinda thankful of the times in the past, that I hadn't acted on impluse. There are guys that I've had crushes on... and that I have 'feelings' for, but I didn't push it. They didn't either. If they did, and the r/s didn't work out, we might not even be on talking terms now. Wounds take years to heal... and even if friendship is possible, it wouldn't be at the level things were in the past... coz of the additional emo-baggage that has to be lugged along. Do I ever wonder what might have had happened if I acted on those 'feelings' back then? Yeah I do wonder. But itz something that I'll live, w/o finding out. At least they still remain in my life [though right now, I must say, most of my friends back then, would have left me alredi].

*shrugx* I've decided to be alone for now... will probably end up alone for the rest of my life, come to think of it. No one likes to date a divorcee, face it. Thank goodness once again, that there are no children involved. Things could really be worse.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:06

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


Had this weird thought about relationships earlier, on the way to work. Only applies to females though... can't be bothered to think about the male-version as, frankly, I ain't too bothered about males lately. They can all fade to oblivion for all I care.

The 1st stage, when a knight in shinning armour appears - to whisk u away into the sunset. That is when u have a crush on someone. He seems wonderful... everything that u've ever wanted. That's the stage when ur heart flutters everytime u see him, and u wish to spend every moment with him. You can only admire him perched on his white horse though, coz u are still unsure of the feelings he has for you.

The 2nd stage. When u enter a relationship with this guy... when u are "going steady". The knight becomes a prince. Treating u like a princess, giving in to every whim of urs. This is when u start to envision a happily ever after with them. You are blinded by your own emotions, u fail to recognise the signs of "danger", and u feel on top of the world when he proposes.

Then things embark on a downward spiral - when u get married. Suddenly he just seems to lose interest in you. He seems to think that only the "chase" matters. Now that he's gotten you... there is no need for the things that u once adored about him. His true nature surfaces and u wonder if u have made a mistake. Coz at this point of time, your prince becomes... a toad. XD

Needless to say, I'm experiencing the "toad" rite now. To be frank, mine was never a prince. He was a toad during the 2nd stage, and I had this misconception that he will somehow become a prince on the 3rd. Alas, that was just a mistake of youth. A toad, remains a toad. The conclusion to the story? How about dried chilli frog anyone? LOLx. Guess what? Maybe I will never meet my "prince", coz only damsels in distress or beautiful princesses get to live happily ever after. But itz alrite. If I'll never meet my knight in shinning armour for my entire life... then I'll just have to put in additional effort to be the knight (like Lady Chris in Suikoden III). Hahah of coz I'll be a dark knight - not the kinda pathetic ones who are mere slaves to the council... arrogant, self-righteous and all. Phooey ~

A new year is coming right around the weekend. It'll be goodbye 2005, and welcome (?) 2006. Which means, I'll no longer be 24. I'll be 25 soon. Hopefully 2006 will be a better year... and that things will pick up. Good riddance to bad rubbish though. I'll use the entire year to get him outta my system if necessary.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:08

Sunday, December 25, 2005


Fuck Christmas. Itz been a horrible day. Whatever happened, killed all the love I have left for Ben. Itz over. For good & I am not gonna look back this time. Ben is simply a person worthless of any affection, any attention. He's a plain scumbag and I curse him for as long as he'll live. His children will be born blind, his siblings will perish, his parents will die suffering... and he? He'll be left all alone decomposing - a fate worse than death.

What happened? As u know... I don't curse ppl that often unless something big took place. Was clearing up the mice tanks earlier. Despite my objections, he forcibly insisted that he'll put all the males & all the females together... w/o prior introduction. If that isn't bad enuff, he seperated them violently, throwing them into the tank. I don't know how am I gonna describe that... but picture someone yanking the mice forcibly by the tail and hurling them into the tank instead of putting them in gently? My heart just broke right then. I tell u, those little ones mean the world to me. I cried. Not only did he not stop & apologise, he hurled them even harder and out came a string of hokkien vulgarities frm his point.

Translated to - "cry what cry? you fucking cheebye".

That's the way he wants it? Then that's the way it shall be. He has gone beyond the point of any redemption. Nothing he does in the future is gonna make up for this incident ever again. When I return to work on Tues, I'm gonna apply for leave and make my way down to the lawyer. I am out of this. I don't wish to live my life with someone that shitty... someone who doesn't even have basic compassion to the little helpless animals. I hope he rots in hell for all the shit that he hath done. He will enjoy his retribution in future.

I am real tempted to break his nose in.

Prior to the incident, things were alredi heated up. His stupid sis asked him over for dinner, saying that his mom is alone. We had a fight over there. Right, go over to accompany his mom, and what? Leave his wife alone... is that it? Once again shows my rank on the priorty scale of his ehx? Nvm... it doesn't matter now.

Nothing else does. This r/s is over.

Shady self-destructed @ 18:46

Saturday, December 24, 2005


I home !!~! Heh, actually I arrived more than 15 min ago [school closed at 2:30pm today] - was feeling trigger happy so I took a couple of photographs of my little ones. Spent some time resizing the ones I've uploaded to photobucket. Anyway, will just upload a few here, since I've got nothing much betta to do. Thankfully I didn't ride my bike out today. I would have been totally drenched if I did. My gosh, itz raining torrents rite now. Mini-thunderstorm. Hahah an evil part of me wishes that this rain continues thru' tha nite... ruin the X'Mas Eve parties ^-^ Not going for any mahx... so curse those who are.... wahahahah. Sour grapes eh?


- The Fantastique Four -

- The little hamlets, Litter II -

Of coz, do check out The Album - other photographs.

Anyway, I've alredi steeled myself for the possibility that Ben is gonna ask Jacky out for coffee tonite (that is IF Jacky doesn't ask him first) - despite him promising that he'll watch "Chicken Little" with me. Actually... ahem... I'm gonna watch "Chicken Little" in awhile, coz I just know that plans are gonna be ruined as usual. How do I know? Well... when Ben was sending me to wrk, he alredi mentioned that till now he has yet to receive the ERP fine frm Jacky. He'll definitely use that lame excuse just to meet him. Itz lame coz Jacky lives just a block away and he could have easier stuffed the letter into the letterbox if wanted.

Ah well... enuff about that. Makes me sian even blogging about him. (but I still do it, yes) Hmmm.. dunno what else to say liaox.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:43

Friday, December 23, 2005


1 more day to go. Phew ~ principal was mentioning something about a 1/2 day tml... hopefully he's true to his word, and that I don't have to hang ard till 6pm manx. I wonder if there's any deduction of pay in that case *mumbles* wouldn't be fair if there is though. But anyway, am looking forward to the break ^-^

Ah well ~ am at Bugis now, will be taking a painfully long bus ride home in another hour's time. I didn't ride today. Too lazy to do that - and besides, itz been raining non-stop lately... frm the noon till the night. Dun fancy riding in the rain. I would dearly love to stay here for the nite, but once again, itz the well being of the pets that will "force" me home. If I don't get home, they don't get fed. Simple logic. Besides, XiaoDuck just gave birth last nite - the exact number I have no idea... it was pretty late and I didn't wanna stand ard to observe.

Ben came home at 3+ last nite, and woke me up by demostrating inconsiderate behaviour again. *sigh* Is it really necessary to turn on both lights in the hall and then in the bathroom when u step into the house? The place isn't that dark lah ookie !!~! As usual, his ship got "delayed", so he ended back later than he initially predicted. Whatever lah, probably a bunch of lies yet again. He is going to ships on a daily basis siah. Even today he ain't gonna come home till the wee hours again. Intuition says itz a lie. But can't do anything oso.

What a boring life ~

Shady self-destructed @ 21:06

Thursday, December 22, 2005


Had a wonderful dinner of mushroom ramen & fried tofu @ Ajisen Ramen ^-^ lol thatz the advantage of dining with parents - dun need pay, can eat betta-than-normal food. haha of coz lah, I wouldn't go overboard to suggest that we go dine at somewhere super expensivo. My budget is less than $15 per person... considering that dad & mom aren't earning much. I'm sure though, if I wanted something $50/person, they would have forked out the $ as well. Such is the nobility of parents huh? *sigh* I know I've been an ass to them at times, I just hope that somehow they know that I don't take them for granted & I'll be eternally grateful for all they have done (I'm not saying this just coz of the food okie?!)

Once again I find myself alone at home. *shrugx* I'll prolly be alone all the way till I fall alseep I guess. Thankfully I no longer have prblems falling asleep by myself - or I'm gonna suffer at wrk very often. Ah well... time to go play Suikoden III since there's no one to fight over the tv with me :D somehow I reckon it is a blessing in disguise. Total freedom!!

Shady self-destructed @ 21:06


Perfect. Wonderful. IE crashed on me while I was in the midst of typing my entry - hence I gotta retype it all over again. Such is the sate of the computers @ my wrkplace. Did I ever mention that it was a pain to even surf the Internet? The only thing that seems to work okay is mIRC... and that is an application I barely get the opportunity to use -.-"

Anyway... I was mentioning... 3 days more to go ^-^

The days ahead seem to be slightly easier with the number of public holidays in Jan 2006. There's New Year's Day on the 2nd, Hari Raya Haji on the 10th, then CNY 30th - 31st. Needless to say, I am looking forward to those breaks. Its a shame though, that 2 "dry months" follow that. The Singapore government should really schedule more (or longer) public holidays to reward people like us who are working their asses off for personal survival & for the benefit of the country. A break here and there will definitely improve a person's work performance. Just take a look at the number of folks who are suffering from some kinda burn-out. People are just working and working and working. Small wonder that they are sex-obsessed at the end of tha day as that's their only form of "de-stressing". Pathetic.

Speaking about the government, well I am not trying to instigate any form of revolt or anything - but it would be a great idea if the govt. could provide more for the citizens. A great thing they could do is introduce a pension scheme. No doubt that the govt. is trying to increase the retirement age for citizens in order to keep the economy alive... etc. but oei, those old folks need to enjoy their golden years ya? Who would like to be 75 and still working coz their CPF savings ain't sufficient to support them till they pass on? The CPF is a great idea. But itz all outta a person's own pocket. The govt. should really set aside some money from their pockets for a change. Where to get the $ u ask? Hmm... how about adjusting the salaries of ministers & government officials (especially police officers coz they seem so "helpless" and downright inefficient - I shall elaborate on this further down the post)? LOL. I know those working in the sector will protest then. Ah well... it's impossible to make everyone happy huh?

Police officers. I can't remeber if I've blogged about this b4. Just not to far in the past, I called 999 to report a bike that was illegally parked. The damned M'sia bike was parked just horizontally behind mine, and I can't go home becoz of that. Of coz, I could have dragged the bike away - but with my limited strength, the bike might fall, and then what? I get arrested for damage to personal property? Hence I called the cops... who said that they'll be 'sending men down'. 10 min passed and instead of seeing a police car, I get a call frm the traffic police instead (frm this man who was speaking in an uncessary rude tone of voice) who claimed that anything that goes on in a HDB carpark is beyond their jurisdiction, and that they would inform HDB. It was at that point of them when I decided - fuck it. I'll just ask a passer-by to help me drag the offending bike away. Which was what took place & I went home. Never saw a single police officer or police car during the entire 45 mins. Food for thought?

He is up to something. His "overtime" and "last minute ships" have increased dramatically the past week. And look, even tonite he ain't gonna be home till late coz of a 'ship that will come at 8pm'. Whatever manx. Am meeting my parents for dinner, handing some forms for submission over to them. Am gonna transter my GIRO payments.

I'm gonna eat well tonite. Last nite was my fave instant char mee & fave campbells' mushroom soup. Tonite itz gonna be either ginseng chicken soup + rice or spaghetti with grilled fish in cream sauce + creamy mushroom soup. J8 food court =) gosh, I am starting to get hungry simply thinking of all this stuff. hahaha wonder what should I injest for lunch?

Anyway, last nite, I realised that Ben has been taking $ w/o informing me. We planned to go Serangoon for pet supplies after wrk yesterday, and I wanted to go take $50 frm the $100 that I had set aside for pet-related stuff. He stopped me frm opening the drawer and told me that he has alredi took $50 out. Ookie ~ I believed him. We didn't go eventually... and when I opened the drawer at nite, I realised that the entire amount is gone! Of coz I confronted him when he got back, he reluctantly handed $50 back to me and said that he'll keep the other $50 as he needs it for pumping his petrol. *faints* what's the point of setting $ aside if u gonna use it no matter what? Also... it's noticed that he withdraws cash frm the atm pretty frequently. At times it's on a daily basis. Do u eat $20 worth of food in a day?

Oh, on my previous post, I was mentioning this website that I encountered - Marriage Builders. It was set up by a marriage counsellor who seems to have managed to tackle the underlying problems faced my most married couples. The stuff written make sense. Really. That most couples do love each other... the problem is that they are no longer in love. Also, there's this interesting article on why women leave men - main reason being "neglect". It further reinforces the knowledge that I'm not alone in this world :o) I think I'll be able to find sufficient support to get thru' this divorce somehow... and I swear, the next man I snag will be made to read the website before I sign anything on the "contract". Like every other woman, I too wanna find my soulmate. And I hope that marriage will be forever. Ah well... my current one hath failed. I should move on. Hopefully my nxt one would be much much better.

As the Chinese saying goes - 旧的不去，新的不来.

I will get thru' this someone. I will put my life back on track and perhaps this time, I will be happy living alone. Some friends may have given up on me during this period of time, but I believe there are still some around & it is never too late to make new ones. Perhaps I shouldn't bother too much about r/s with humans anymore. I'll treasure those who have stuck with me... and the new ones, if they are mere acquaintances, then so be it ^-^ No matter what, at the end of the day, I know I'll have the PS2 to return to. Thatz more than enuff for now.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:22

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


Wednesday. Midweek for some, not for me. Itz still "the beginning of the week" as I gotta wrk till Sat. *sigh* Am looking forward to this weekend though - coz itz Christmas !!~! Oh don't get me wrong... I ain't excitied coz itz the bday of some dude... I'm glad coz Monday is a public holiday - which means, I get an additional day of rest this week !!~! Woohoo !! There's gonna be a BBQ at Brash Brasah, organised by the RC. Itz f.o.c. so I'm going for sure ^-^ Besides... promised my dad that I'll be there. I wonder what food is there gonna be. Can't wait to pig out on half-burnt chicken wings, prawns, sotong... etc. I love BBQ food (but itz the crowd thatz gonna be a huge turn-off). Am intending to enjoy myself anyway - I need the break !!~! Hmmm wonder if I'll be able to make it to join jem & Noods after that. They'll be performing somewhere... shucks, they called me hours after I told my dad I was going. *mumbles*

Anyway ~ I wonder how am I gonna get thru' this day. There's absolutely nothing left for me to do at wrk... and itz real boring. Not to mention, I began the day on a bad note. A grouchy Ben was giving me attitude yet again when I woke him up. Seriously, whatz his goddamned fucking problem? This is happening way too often. Thatz it. Today is the last day I'm gonna let him send me to wrk. Itz much easier if I go by my own - to hell with the foot. If it gets worse, then itz gonna get worse. Will deal with it when I happens. I tell u, physical pain is much easier to ignore than mental agony. Now there's this nagging thought in my brain threatening to burst and unleash all that pent up frustration. Itz as if I'm gonna explode. I hate him.

Told yet another friend about my intention to divorce yesterday. What he said does make a little sense... what if the nxt guy I meet fulfils the qualities that Ben is lacking in, but doesn't have certain qualities that Ben has? Well I've thought about it and simple - if anyone doesn't meet my requirements (even one of them), they can just fuck off. I'm not gonna compromise anymore and settle for something less than I deserve. I am not perfect, that I know. But everyone deserves someone "worthy" of their feelings.

Now let me think. The PERFECT guy for me will be someone:

- who can cook & is willing to help out with housework
- who likes animals and wants to keep pets
- who is a responsible pet owner
- who puts me at tha top of his priority list
- who is financially stable & able to plan for the future
- who is not a mommy's boy
- who is mature enuff to know that everything doesn't go his way
- who appreciates what I do
- who loves me so much that he's willing to give me the moon
- who has his own transport (preferably)
- who doesn't have too many "leecher" friends
- who isn't overly posessive & demanding
- who doesn't want children
- who doesn't leave problems unsolved
- who is willing to talk things thru' & compromise

15 points for now. Ben only gets a 4/15. *shrugx*

I know I know, love is willing to accept the person for who he/she is. Heyz, I can overlook the small tiny flaws... I okay with a give & take relationship, but I don't think I should really be stuck in this one huh? Well, basically I don't visualize a future with Ben. I don't see us growing old together and I don't see myself happy.

Money isn't everything - but money is the root cause for all problems. I finally bought myself a birthday gift yesterday... a cross-stitch card book bought thru' Yahoo! Auctions. I hope the item arrives in good condition... considering that the person charged $3.30 for shipping & handling. I paid $2 more as I opted for registered mail. Total cost comes up to $15.20. Ben saw the bank book yesterday and was making noise over it. I had to tell him that itz a gift frm my parents. Heehee... in a way, that statement is true. My parents did give me some "birthday money" that I kept from him. Besides, whatz wrong with buying a gift for myself, especially when he doesn't bother to give one to me (as compared to a $70+ bday prezzie for Jacky)?

See? We are now at the stage of keeping things frm each other. This is something I am unwilling to accept in a r/s. I mean, if u can't be truthful to ur life partner, then who can u be honest to? I hate doing this but I don't have much of a choice, especially when $ is concerned. This is merely my survival instincts that are kicking in. I need to set cash aside... for times when we are simply too broke to eat. I need to ensure that I keep myself alive. I believe that Ben has such a plan as well - coz he's never eating on limited funds. Always, itz my bills that go unpaid & me carrying small change to work.

Believe it or not, I'm left with $25 in the bank. Yes... I just got my pay last week (of about $900) and look what has happened? Found out that Ben had a withdrawal of $170 - he claims that itz to purcahse stuff for his company. When I pressed him to get the $ back frm his boss ASAP, as there goes my CPF mthly repayment again, he just became snappish and said that he wouldn't rush them. What a wonderful man this is huh? More likely than not, he withdrew that amount for his own usage. That sneaky fart.

Aarrgghhh I'm getting increasingly pissed off as I type. Doesn't help that I'm at work. I'm going to stop here though there's so much more I wanna say.

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE !!~!

Shady self-destructed @ 09:28

Tuesday, December 20, 2005


Yet another year of life hath passed - turned officially 24 yesterday. I'm surprised that ppl even remember my bday (coz I'm really lousy with dates). Thanks to all who did & SMSed me ^-^

Phew, clicked a little on Neopets. Am trying to do it on a daily basis now due to the Advent Calendar. Haven't been refreshing the shops for months now. The most I did to earn nps were playing a few sponsor games that has great payouts & messing with the stock market. Oh, the collection of daily bank interest does help too. Imagine a 10% interest rate per year? Phew!! If only Singapore banks were that generous.

But then again, if that is the case, it'll only benefit the rich, as usual. Most schemes benefit the rich, don't u think? Savings when u use credit cards... petrol rebates... etc. hello, u gotta be earning at least 2.5k/mth to own a credit card !!~! I should think that people belonging to the lower income group are more deserving of those rebates. Hence, the rich are getting richer & the poor is well... getting poorer. It stinks when I think about how my salary is below the country's average. Then again - I believe the main reason why Singapore's average is so high is coz a certain minority group is commanding super high salaries... 5 figured sums and all. Those are the people who are least worthy of their pay coz... they basically sit on their ass the entire day & do nuts while ppl ard them struggle to pay their bills.

Anyway, my birthday. It wasn't perfect. I didn't get a gift frm Ben, as expected. But yeah, he followed-thru' his promise of bringing me for a dinner buffet @ Pariss. Pigged out till my tummy swelled till twice its size. The food was fabulous - as usual. The only dulling of the fact is that... well, itz using my salary to pay for (and itz fucking expensivo) -.-" Betta update my bank book later and re-budget this mth's spendings. Gahh, there's like a fucking stack of unpaid bills on the coffee table. That sux big time, really. 'nuff of bills, I was pissed last nite as well. Why? Coz someone made me wait for an hour before he arrived to pick me up. Now tell me, where is the effort? He said that I'll get a "surprise" - yah the nasty surprise was: 'guess what? ur bday doesn't mean shit to me, I'll still be late for blah blah reasons'.

*sigh* forgeddit. The New Year is coming. Resolutions have been made & this time I'm gonna keep them. No more stupid resolutions that I'm gonna quit smoking or sumthing. Now itz something bigger - that I'm gonna get myself back.

I hope I'll get to see a doc later regarding my foot.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:15

Saturday, December 17, 2005


I failed -.-" Yes, stupid (according to Ben) me failed the BTT last nite... coz I didn't study enuff. I merely browsed thru' the book on Thurs nite while watching tv, fully intending to use the extra time b4 the test to read it once more... but Ben had other plans. Caused me to reach the centre just in time for the test. Somehow, intuition told me that I wasn't gonna pass. I clicked the "end test" button, and the huge word - FAILED screamed at me frm the screen. Well ~ my nxt test is on tha 8th of Feb nxt year. I do hope tat I'll remember to do ample reading then. Hell, I might just pop over to Popular later to get the "10 years series" style book. Practice is always better than bland memorization of the text.

Anyway, Sammi has gone home. Phew ~ it was a pain (literally) bringing her down for a walk twice a day. I wonder when will my nxt pet sitting assignment come in. Hopefully it'll be something less demanding than a pooch. But then again, if my leg is settled by then, the additional exercise will actually prove beneficial. For now, there's ample funds to maintain the little ones @ home... for another 3 weeks or so ^-^

Strong women just don't get the man. Thatz what was implied in the last episode of "五出彩红" last nite. The male lead [Jianyi] eventually left the female lead [Yoyo] for another woman [whose name I forgotten] in the end - after they won the world championship. I won't go into the lousy quality of the dancers in the serial... but is this is the hidden message that the scriptwriter wants to transmit to all women? In actual fact, the guy was an asshole. He couldn't make up his mind between 2 women and he toyed their feelings by showing affection to them. Just when Yoyo thought that she finally got Jianyi back, he left. His lame-ass reason? That she wasn't the kinda girl he initially thought her to be. He wants someone who needs care, attention and love... and thru' the determination she exudes, she portrays the total opposite.

Is that reflective of society nowadayz? That despite how times have changed, men still prefer their women soft and submissive? The typical damsel in distress? Is it true that women who are high achievers will go nowhere in their lovelife? Not that those women need one, but it just seems unfair, doesn't it? Follow ur dream, better urself... and be lonely for the rest of ur life. Itz a small wonder why lesbians exist huh? No one can refute the fact that another female is the perfect partner for a female - coz they know how each other feels. Men are simply incapable of appreciating & treasuring the good things that come by their lives. Often, they take the other person for granted & don't understand tat a r/s has to be maintained.

Hmm... I seem to be merely complaining about Ben here huh? He is a plain coward, not to accept responsiblity that he might have rode the bike. He took it for granted that I'll cover the mistakes he made and he doesn't appreciate the fact that becoz of him, I have now 6 demerits. *sigh* Financially, it doesn't get any better either. Frankly, I don't know if we would have enuff to last till the end of the mth if he recklessly pays all his bills & eats like a black hole.

I just hope I'll be able to take leave soon. The faster the divorce, the better. Plus, I've made up my mind - it will be on the grounds of unreasonable behavior.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:03

Thursday, December 15, 2005


FINALLY itz the 15th. Will be receiving my cheque today ^-^ it'll be another 2-3 days b4 itz cleared though, and considering that Sat is a half day, I guess I'll get the $ only on nxt monday? Hmm... it kinda sucks, doesn't it? That was last month's salary. Ah well... it means that itz 1 mth down. Another 23 more to go b4 I can tender my resignation. Hmm, I suppose that I'll start looking for a new job when I hit the one year mark. If my finances are stable by then (which should be as I don't foresee myself with Ben one year frm now), I might just save up the 1k to terminate this contract for a better paying job. After calculation, itz like I'm paid only $6/hr after confirmation. Much less during my current probation period -.-" Hmm, am still wondering if I could survive here for that long b4 they terminate me - in this case, I wouldn't really mind too much [though it is another blemish on my resume] XD

Anyway, Ben was cheerfully telling me this morning that today is my paydate. I wonder what does he have in mind - how is he gonna use the $. Hopefully I'm quick enuff to withdraw a certain amount b4 he blows everything again. Being dead broke don't feel good.

Am taking my BTT tomorrow. 8pm. *sigh* I wonder if I'll be able to pass. People keep telling me that itz easy - confirm pass one. It all boils down to luck, doesn't it? Considering that I haven't been doing their "10 year series", but am merely going home later to pour over the text. Not my ideal study method, if u ask me. What I used to do during my O'levels was minimal reading of the text & maximum practice of the 10 year series ~ hence I was able to get by without actually studying much. Haha, but for my RTT, it was just last minute reading on the train. That is different though, I had attended classes as part of the requirement. I wonder if I'll be able to afford to take practicals should I clear the theory test. If so, how long izzit gonna take b4 I can pass? Gahh !!! 2B took me 6 traffic police tests. Can u imagine the amount of $ blown during that period of time? But then... $ wasn't a big issue.

I'll be submitting my particulars to the TP tml, then type an appeal letter. HaiX, the thought of 6 demerits really suck. Imagine, it takes 1 year for the record to be cleared - that is provided there are no more offences during the period. The day Ben gets his stupid bike's battery fixed, I'll ban him from using my bike anymore. What hogwash, that he doesn't know how to take public transport? Gahh !!! It all boils down to him being irresponsible with another person's property. Merely typing about this is making me fume all over.

Another issue that got me real annoyed was, last nite, Ben told me to try give away the 4 rabbits - to anyone that wants them. If they aren't adopted within 2 mths, he'll bring them to MacRitche reservoir and "set them free". Reason for giving them away? They eat and poop too much... and itz taking a huge toll clearing up after them. Look, didn't I warn him about it in the 1st place? In fact, I did tell him not to adopt that many rabbits. Plus of different gender. He claimed that he'll be able to take care of all the babies, yeah rite. Itz only 4 now... and he alredi wants to give them away. With babies, itz gonna be at least 10 rabbits. He's just being the typical pet owner that I detest. Giving up their pets for reasons that lame. Another example of plain irresponsibility. A pet is not a damned toy that u play with whenever u like it, or hobby that u do during ur "free time"!!! If I refuse to let them go, then what? I'm gonna have to shoulder the extra burden? I really don't think so... I just can't believe tat he would do this after all that promises to the original owner of Snowy & Jubi.

Guess that, to him, promises are simply made to be broken.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:18

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


I am really having a streak of bad luck. *sigh* As if injuring my leg ain't enuff... earlier this morning, I bent down to pick something frm the floor and as I came back up, I hit my elbow real hard on the desk. Now itz hurting like mad (even when I don't do anything) & I can't really use the damned arm. Doesn't help that this was the elbow that was previously fractured & never got back to 100%. HaiZzz.... I really hope that the impact didn't reopen the old wounds. Itz gonna be disastrous if that happened - more xrays more $ spent. I am on the verge of tearing my hair out due to the lack of funds alredi... I am surviving on small change now, can u imagine how fucking pathetic that is? AAarrrghghhh seriously, why me?!

Just 2 nights ago, I slipped & fell in the bathtub while having my shower. As a result, I hurt my foot even more and now have huge bruises on my back. Why me?

Physical injury is alredi bad enuff. Dad called me last nite and guess what? I have a letter frm the traffic police demanding the particulars of a driver that comitted the stupid offence of riding on the shoulder lane -.-" Perfect. That one is a $150 fine and 6 demerit points. I am really tempted to submit Ben's information - considering that he is the one who rode the bike that day [I only rode to wrk myself twice last week ~ Thurs & Sat according to my punchcard]. Well, since itz him, just submit huh? Sounds easy enuff. But guess what? The bike is insured under me, and me only. If I submit his particulars, things might get more complicated as it is an offence to be riding a bike that isn't insured under ur name. *sigh* The best I can do is send in an appeal letter... but I doubt it'll go thru'. An offence is an offence. There is really no excuse to be riding on the shoulder lane.

I've told Ben again and again, to ride carefully while he's using my bike. But alas, look what happened? He is completely irresponsible. I daresay, itz just sooner or later that I receive a summons for speeding. The speed limit on the PIE is 80kmph. There is a speed cam somewhere near the Eng Neo exit. Many times have I caught Ben riding at 90+kmph. His defence? 90kmph is okay. Well... tell me how is that okay when the limit is 80kmph? I just wish he would grow up and act sensibly. Is it worth throwing $ away for this kinda stupid offence? Not to mention, there is demerit points involved. I took a very long time to get this 2B license and I would definitely not want it revoked/suspended.

At this rate, I might just take my parents' advice to "act fast" and terminate this marriage. Seems more disastrous than anything else. Perhaps, when I've gotten him out of my life... my bad luck would end too. Just can't help wondering, what's nxt?

Shady self-destructed @ 09:33

Monday, December 12, 2005


Thatz it manx. I've had it. Went over to Ben's parents place last nite, to pick up cigarettes, and his sis was there. It was then I found out that Ben has been contributing $30 monthly w/o letting me know. I am aware of the "fund" the 3 siblings have between themselves - itz supposedly a standy, should anything happen to their parents. Some kinda coffin fund. I've asked Ben once b4, when we alredi had problems with our basic meals - if he is still contributing to it. He said no. But there are instances of missing $ frm the bank accounts. Last nite, his sis did say that he has been paying all along. Hmm... is there any need to lie with this? I am totally pissed. To think that he is still doing it, when he prevented me from taking any $ out for my parents. u tell me, is this fair?

Plus, I need $ to see a doc. Instead of using that $ for me to get treatment for my foot... it goes into a coffin fund. Illogical, it seems to me. Now I'm just hoping that my body can hold on another week. I'll get my pay soon, and I'll be gg to see a doctor. u know the thing about small problems being big problems when left untreated? Hopefully that won't happen to my case. *sigh* Seems that this mths' $50 is outta the window, whether I like it or not. I need at least 1 day to go down to a hopsital for an x-ray. What a life ~

Shady self-destructed @ 09:17

Sunday, December 11, 2005


Sunday. I was hoping to enjoy myself a little b4, itz return to hell @ Bishan tml. But nopex. I don't think I can. I injured my foot further yesterday nite, while walking the dog. *sigh* The pain in my foot hath been bothering me for months... since I put on that f**ked up pair of shoes. I never thought anything about it - except that it should be some strain that would go away. But the days passed... weeks faded away... months. It still hurt. Considering that it was not too bad, I ignored it. Till last nite. I walked the dog, and tot that perhaps I could get a little run. A few sprints down, the pain became too bad to even walk. I now walk with a limp - can't place my weight totally on tha ball of tha foot. I might consider to see a doc later. I dunno. I just don't have the $ to do so. *sigh* Just when I tot I could finally watch Harry Potter tonite.

Had a goddamned early nite yesterday. I think it was barely 10pm that I dozed off.

Oh, the dog? Anne & her family had to go overseas for a week, and I'm looking after Sammi for them at $15/day. Phew ~ the Yahoo ads do work afterall ^-^ I just hope that more such lobangs come in. Also hopefully someone will respond to the tuition ad that I've placed up for the past few mths. The additional dough will come in handy, considering that I do have a few cross stitch kits in mind that I would wanna get XD Ignore the temptation for now.

I missed AWARE's legal clinic on the 8th. Again. But I managed to meet my dad & mum for a short chat. Have alredi since set up my own bank account. Hopefully things will just get better. I really dun wanna live my days in poverty. Ookie... I know I'm being a little extreme - there are ppl out there who don't even have enuff for 3 meals a day. So why am I complaining? Haiz. Though there are humans suffering out there, it doesn't deny the fact that I could have been in a better position rite now. I just miss the days when I can lavish stuff on myself w/o much consideration. I used to be able to afford a $150+ haircut every 3-4 mths. I used to be able to buy anything that catches my eye after a little consideration. I used to have savings. Irony that back then, I was merely a student wrking p/t after class hours.

Apparently the Hong Leong renovation loan has been making it's mthly deductions frm my parents' account instead. No wonder my passbook doesn't reflect it and when we checked with HLF, they just claimed that payment was made. Hopefully i'll be able to return my parents that amount of $ by the end of this mth. There are still bills to pay and i'm merely trying to hang on for another week till i get my cheque. Of coz I'll set some aside for my stash. It'll be plain frivilous if I can expect Ben to do any kind of savings.

Ben isn't at home again today. He took his passport and left about an hour ago. Claiming that he has a ship to go & he'll need the passport coz itz in international waters. *shrugx* I don't even know what to believe anymore. Just the other nite, he left in the midst of the nite and didn't come home till the evening of the nxt day. Know what? Somehow that doesn't affect me too much like it used to do. I still managed to get to sleep (though with an erractic pattern of rest) w/o him and life still goes on. Perhaps I am just getting stronger. I hope that this new found strength doesn't fizzle out halfway and will see me thru' everything.

Right now, I'm more concerned about my foot.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:45

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


This is bullshit. He finally got home @ almost 1:30am. His excuse? The guy he went to look for, took 45min to withdraw $ frm the atm. Then, on the way back, Ben had to make a stop at the petrol station to top up my bike's 2T. Hogwash if u ask me. The guy was residing at Blk 825 Yishun. There is a POSB atm nearby at Blk 844, and there's an OCBC atm at Khatib MRT. Both are within walking distance of 10mins max [my speed!]. I believe he just hung out and talked shit with the guy's gf instead of coming home directly like he promised. I didn't have dinner last nite. He ruined my mood so bad that I couldn't swallow the penne that was cooked. Not to mention, I couldn't sleep well after that... had some bad dreams too & now I am ultimately tired. Thankfully principal and vice-principal are still overseas. If not, it'll be a huge task to prevent myself frm nodding off at wrk.

Tonite? He ain't even gonna come back for dinner. Said he has a "ship to go to". *shrugx* I am gg home to Bugis for dinner, no matter what. Perhaps tonite, I can finally eat. I am just so tired of being with him. I hate this guy. The 8th is drawing near... good.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:19


Eh can someone enlighten me? What the fuck is this? Itz 1am on a weekday nite, and someone is out goodness knows where... has yet to return and is not picking up the fone? Said that he went to Yishun with his dad, to collect $ frm his friend. I called him ard 11pm, and he told me he's simply waiting for his friend to withdraw $... then he'll be back after that. Hmm u telling me that it takes 2hrs for someone to use the atm machine? Seriously this is fucked up. Now who is the one that is worried and unable to get back to sleep? I still gotta wrk tml, mind u. This is driving me nuts. Really. I never trusted him gg out with his dad - no thanks to his dad keeping a mistress. So now, what the fuck is going on? Thankfully it'll only be another few weeks till divorce is done. I can't take this anymore. My health is gg down here.

Shady self-destructed @ 01:07

Friday, December 02, 2005


Gah!! It was planned to meet my parents for dinner last nite but I had to cancel it coz of the pain -.-" Ben cooked. Credit to him. But negative to him for dragging me out for coffee with his damned friends again last nite. It was a horrible situation. And yes, I have problems saying "no". I went along despite a nagging thought that I should actually be on Suikoden III instead. Thankfully there's the bumper issue of 'Her World' accompanying me. LOL not that I adore that mag, but itz betta than nothing, get what I mean?

Like I mentioned in a previous post, been reading divorce websites lately, especiallyAbout Divorce Support and well... at least I don't feel that huge a loser rite now. Time & time again, ppl just ask me, why don't I make up my mind and divorce him. Guess they simply didn't understand how I feel [I don't blame them... coz they've never been in a simillar situation] - but after reading the posts on the site's forum & some articles - heyz! Seems that I'm pretty normal after all. I was also consoled that itz okay to feel hesitant. And itz okay not to take action due to those misgivings. Plus ~ I am also assured that... when the time is right, I'll find the courage to break it up somehow :o) Also, I am reassured that I'm not being unreasonable for my feelings towards this entire r/s. There's this particular article about a guy - married, but still acting single... going out with his friends till late... etc., who wrote in to ask if his wife is being ridiculous for wanting him out based on those reasons. Guess what kinda response he received??

Marriage is a commitment. Itz saying goodbye to a certain amount of freedom u have when u were single. There's nothing wrong with Ben. He's simply - not ready. Not ready to make changes to his life. And know what? Perhaps he never would be ready... and yes, I'll eventually leave him. Coz by the time (if) he grows up, it would probably be waaaaaay too late. What's been damaged can't possibly be restored. It could be repaired... but the cracks & scars will remain for all eternity.

Life doesn't seem that bad now, with positive thoughts. Itz difficult being positive. Difficult to leave the angsty teenager behind. But guess, I have to grow up somehow. My New Year resolution - to get a life of my own. No longer am I gonna wallow in self pity & allow him to treat me like a doormat or a spare tyre. I'm gonna start gaming again in full force. When I feel like it, I'll accompany him for a while... if I am preoccupied... then too bad, he would have to find friends to hang out with or watch me play. If he complains of neglect, then itz his problem then. I've been sacrificing too much for too long. Plus, there is World Cup 2006. I wonder if I could afford a small tv in the room by then. If not, I foresee many hours on the couch.

BUT b4 I could start doing all out gaming again, I gotta complete the damned cross-stitch. To think I promised the gal that she could have it by Christmas. If I really wanna reach the deadline itz gonna be an entire row of sleepless nites. Will make full use of this week that the principal & vice-principal are not in the school. At least I can do my own stuff during work hours & won't be nodding off due to boredom... and I don't have to spare energy trying to 'look busy'... which means for this week, I don't need too much sleep :D

Anyway itz a mess that I got home to last nite. A mess of gerbils. Somehow, the adult gerbils have bitten a hole in the hard plastic divider that seperates them in the 3ft tank and when I went home, they were all mixed up - simply running around, chasing each other... etc. And yes, there was blood. Buttercup was quite badly injured. Her chest & forelegs area were matted with dried blood, and Coal has open wounds on his face. Amazingly, the babies were unmarred. Well... of coz I spent some time reshuffling last nite. Seperated them into seperate 2 ft. tanks, and had to relegate XiaoHei into a reptile tank & switched Haze, Jumper + 9 babies into the huge 3ft tank. Gosh, the babies are in their 'flea stage' rite now. Betta spend sometime to socialize them or they'll grow up real wild.

Names. The gerbil children will be: Shadow, Midnight, Skylar, Thunder & Diesel ^-^ There! Inspired by the other members of Singapore Pets Forum of coz. When I get home, am gonna scrutinize them, so that I'll be able to tell them apart. LOL believe it or not, till now, Ben still can't differentiate XiaoPig & XiaoDuck. Gosh ~ should I tell him that XiaoDuck is the one with a tail and XiaoPig is the one with a hole in his ears? hahahaha ~ itz gonna be hell trying to differentiate their offspring though. I foresee problems with Haze's litter as well... a few of them seem to have so simillar markings. Hamlet names are still pending, though the 4 that I posted on my tagboard seem pretty neat... wakakakakakaka!!

Suggestions, anyone??

Shady self-destructed @ 09:17

Thursday, December 01, 2005


Itz the time of the mth again. Not once did I not entertain the idea of simply ripping the womb out from my body and hurl it so far that it will never return. It hurts fucking bad. Everytime it happens, my mind just screams UNFAIR while dealing with the pain. Why the fuck am I born female and why do I have to go thru' all this? Guys complain about 2 short years being a slave of the gahmen - compulsory NS. Thatz a small price to pay, if it means not experiencing this kinda pain once every fucking mth for decades of ur goddamned life, understand? Perhaps girls do get certain things easier for them, due to the patriachal society we live in. But guess what? I would trade all those little convieniences for the lack of pain !!~! Lucky girls don't feel it. Unlucky ones do. And those even unluckier, feel it even worse. I took a panadol awhile ago, and it doesn't seem to have much of an effect. I should really get a box of panadol menstrual on standby at hope and stuff a few of those pills into my bag for "in case"s. I wonder why... since medical science had advanced so much that a face transplant is possible... is there no cure/prevention for this pain I feel every mth? Normally when it happens, the best thing for me to do is pop a pill, lie down and try to sleep thru' it. I can't do that now that I'm at work... there are still 2 more goddamned fucking hours to go.

Gawd... I really wish that I can just die.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:08






.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page



Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.

In Progress

  • Dark Cloud 2
  • Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
  • Kingdom Hearts
  • Kingdom Hearts II
  • Wild Arms 3

In Queue

  • Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
  • Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
  • Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
  • Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
  • Dark Cloud
  • Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
  • Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
  • Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
  • Final Fantasy X
  • Final Fantasy X-2
  • Final Fantasy XII
  • Grandia III
  • Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
  • Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
  • Persona 3
  • Rogue Galaxy
  • Rule of Rose
  • Shadow Hearts: Covenant
  • Shadow Hearts: From The New World
  • Shining Force Neo
  • Silent Hill 3
  • Silent Hill 4: The Room
  • Soul Cradle [Jap]
  • Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
  • Suikoden IV
  • Suikoen V
  • Tales of the Abyss
  • Wild Arms Alter Code: F
  • Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

  • Ar tonelico II [?]
  • Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
  • Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
  • Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
  • Digimon World Data Squad
  • Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
  • Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
  • Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
  • Drakengard
  • Drakengard 2
  • Dual Hearts
  • Elvandia Story [?]
  • Ephemeral Fantasia
  • Eternal Ring
  • Evergrace
  • Forever Kingdom
  • Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
  • Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
  • Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
  • Growlanser Generations
  • Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
  • Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
  • Jade Cocoon 2
  • Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
  • Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
  • Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
  • MS Saga: A New Dawn
  • Musashi Samurai Legend
  • Odin Sphere
  • Okage: Shadow King
  • Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
  • Radiata Stories
  • RPG Maker 2 [?]
  • RPG Maker 3 [?]
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
  • Shining Force Exa
  • Shining Wind [?]
  • Shining Tears
  • Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
  • Steambot Chronicles
  • Summoner
  • Summoner 2
  • Tales of Destiny [?]
  • Tales of Destiny II [?]
  • Tales of Legendia
  • Tales of Rebirth [?]
  • Tales of Symphonia [?]
  • The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
  • Tsugunai: Atonement
  • Unlimited Saga
  • Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
  • Wild Arms 5 [?]
  • Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
  • Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
  • Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
  • .hack//Infection Part 1
  • .hack//Mutation Part 2
  • .hack//Outbreak Part 3
  • .hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

  • Grandia II
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
  • Legend of Legia II
  • Shadow Hearts
  • Silent Hill 2
  • Suikoden III

Trash Bin

  • 7 Sins
  • Urbz: Sims in The City
  • Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...


+ A r c h i v e s +

02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009


+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

Layout by Kuroda