Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I am a in a foul mood.

Ben just snapped at me over the phone again. The reason? I have no f**king idea. Look. I got a missed called frm a private no. Thinking that it could be frm Jelapang, I returned the call and no one picked it up. So I called Ben's handfone. I was greeted with a rude "what u want"... and when I made my intention clear, it was a grouchy "no". When I asked him if he is at home, coz no one answered, he said yes, and claimed that he never heard the fone coz he was asleep. What a wonderful excuse. The previous time a simillar thing happened, it was coz he was "bathing". Why is it so coincidentally that everytime I call home, no one answers the phone?

Nevermind.

I woke up at 4:30am this morning, and realised that Ben is not in the house. He came back at almost 5am, saying that he went to fetch his dad to work. Is his dad handicapped or what? Yah... he did tell me that he might wanna send his dad to wrk, at 3am... but returning at 5am? His dad works in JB or what? Fuck manx, seriously. I am damned pissed. It didn't help that when he came back, he made alot of noise, and turned on alot of the house lights... rousing me from sleep & I ended up wide awake. I couldn't get back to sleep till 6am. I had to wake up at 7:30am. Perfect. There goes my rest.

Now at work, I am worried. I am worried whether I'm able to enter the house when I get off frm work later. Stupid me forgot to bring the house keys along. Ben claimed that he would be home... but, everyone knows that only fools count on his words. Like yesterday. He told me that he'll prepare dinner for me when I get home. Right. He came home at 8pm, I was dead starved by then and lost all mood to consume any form of edible matter. His excuse? Oh - he went to apply for a PSA pass pin number. Right. He had the entire day to do so, and didn't do it till what? Till the time I get off work? Bullshit if u ask me.

There is alot of crap going on these dayz - especially after the major row on a Sunday. Then again, come to think of it ... this r/s has always been full of crap. My only consolation is that, the deed will be done soon. I've been reading divorce support websites lately, and it seems that Ben isn't the only asshole on Earth. There are many members of the male species that fit the profile as well. And their wives divorced them eventually... all of them claimed that the divorce made them feel liberated & they are now living better lives than before.

I await my liberation.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:27

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The beginning of yet another work day. *sigh* Every morning am so damned reluctant to wake up ~ and every nite, I just doze off to sleep within the few minutes my head touch the pillow. Even when ppl ask if I wanna go out for supper/drinks, I would decline them... much as I wish to give Ben a taste of his own medicine [being alone @ home in the midst of the nite while ur partner goes out galavanting somewhere].

Last nite was not a good one. Ben asked if he could call Jacky out for coffee coz he was bored at home. Bored, with me. Despite my obvious displeasure, he still called Jacky who said he was bz, and would get back to him. It was an agreement, that if Jacky didn't call back b4 11:30pm, he would just spend the nite at home. Midnite came soon enuff, and Ben was playing Burnout on the PS2, so I just went to sleep. Then he called Jacky, and at 12:30am, wanted to go out for coffee... of coz we had a row. Coz it broke the initial understanding. Then I just called Jacky to say that Ben ain't meeting alredi. I know that made Ben uber unhappy, but did he spare a thought for how I feel? It wasn't what he promised earlier. He lied once again.

Frankly, I have no idea why his actions are still affecting me. Considering that I am going ahead with the seperation & divorce nxt mth. I guess that, so as long as he is still lawfully bound to me, I'll have fucked up emotions all day long. Itz getting to be a psychological problem. Even when I'm at work, I wonder where he is... who has he gone out with... is he where he said he would be. I know, I'm not his mom. And I reckon I wouldn't feel this way if there was trust involved. The main problem is - trust hath been broken a long time ago, and his actions after that point of time never allowed any space for trust to be rebuilt. Itz true. What ppl normall say. If there's no trust in a r/s, the r/s is pointless. Plus ~ if a r/s pushes all ur buttons... then it's time to reconsider where is it heading towards. Mine is heading to ruin & destruction.

I can't help but hang on. It's all the effort that I've put into making it work. The home, especially. And the pets. There is really alot to lose if I break this now. But itz my mental well being that is at stake rite now. I just can't help hoping. Hope is double edged knife. With Hope, comes motivation; Hope brings ultimate depression as well when it is betrayed. There is just no win-win situation here. Now, I don't even know whether I'm looking forward to the end of the work day or not. Work sux. But gg home to an empty house sux equally bad.

Like I told Ben last nite. All I wanted is for someone to be there, at the end of a horrible day... and tell me that things aren't as bad as I make them out to be. If I can't even depend on my partner to be home with me... then what's the point of having a partner in the 1st place? I could easily get a guy while I go clubbing or sumthing, when my social meter drops beyond the red zone... and for the rest, there is always the PS2 and computer.

*sigh* I just hope all of this stops.

Shady self-destructed @ 08:56

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Itz Saturday once again. Phew ~ finally the end of the work week is here. Was looking thru' my punchcard earlier & realised that I've been working for only 3 weeks !!~! Gawd, it feels like an eternity. 3 weeks is already way too long. Now I know what my colleague means when she mentioned that it's been very long that she started working here. Guess it all boils down to job satisfaction & how much u like the job. If u hate the job, u'll feel sick & tired of it even after a week [which is what I did]... but if u like it, years could fly past w/o any negative thought. 93 weeks more to go for me. Seems like a fucking huge number huh? Most ppl say that 2 years will fly by very quickly, well maybe it does. The years fly by... but the minutes & hours (when u are at work) really do crawl. Get my picture?

Noot gave birth last nite. How huge is the litter I have no idea at the moment. She gave birth in the "house" & blocked the entrance up with bedding & hay. Am unable to peer thru the 2nd level or the chimney... lol, wrong positioning I suppose. All I see is a mass of red. The young gerbils are starting to become increasingly active now... and so are the hamlets. I believe it's only a matter of time that Haze's litter opens their eyes. Shit. The problem now is, how am I gonna afford the new cages/tanks? I have space... but I don't have the tanks !!~! Am intending to downgrade XiaoHei into a 1ft tank, considering that he is living by himself & use his current home for about 3-4 mice. Hmm, but 1st I gotta wait till the litters are weaned. Should be able to split the gerbils up now acutally. Damn Oynx looks big again. LOL. Hamsters-wise, I ain't too worried as frm experience, they tend to cull their litters & watch their breeding.

Ben is still giving me crap. *sigh* I know, I know, I shouldn't bother about what he does anymore, since we are gg to get seperated anyway... but it just annoys me somehow. That he sneaked outta the house last nite to fetch his dad home frm wrk while I was sleeping !!~! Fuck lah, itz his family that is ruining everything. Remind me. The nxt time I get attached, it'll be to someone who doesn't have family commitments. Pooh !!~! Being filial is one thing [as we are Chinese afterall], being like Ben is another. Unacceptable. It would be easier to swallow if he allows me the same commitment with my family. I ain't too attached to mine, but Ben doesn't even wanna meet my parents for dinner once a fortnight!!~! I just asked him earlier, if we could go over for dinner tml... he just said "see how", see whether he has plans for tml. Once again, it highlights my position on the priority list. Fuck it, I am gg, whether he goes or not.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:38

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Fat bola has finally crossed over the rainbow bridge. It seems that her tumor finally exploded and the years took its toll on her. She'll be going to join her previous partner over at the other side. I'll miss her. She was a wonderful companion & "grandma" to Noot's children. When I get the time this weekend, I'll create a virtual cemetry & give her a place of honor. Goodbye Fat bola ~

I'm just hoping that one of my baby hamsters don't get listed there too soon -.-" It fell frm quite a great height earlier - tumbled off my hand. Hit the ground with a "piak" and lay there motionless. When I placed it back into the tank... it took a while before it started moving again. Hope it's okay. I guess it'll hate me in future. *sigh*

Noot is expecting her 2nd litter. Will implement plans after she gives birth.

Shady self-destructed @ 23:00

MOM took a shorter time to respond than I expected. Read their email this morning, and it was disappointing. In the email, it's mentioned that it is most likely that I am not covered under the Employment Act - as I am in a managerial position. Should there be any dispute, it will be up to the Court to decide if I fall under the Act's coverage. *sigh* In short - there is nothing I can do about the situation I am in rite now. I feel like bawling. I am stuck in various fucked up situations that will take a long time to resolve, all becoz I've made decisions on impluse w/o spending the necessary time to think it thru'. Like I was complaining to my dad earlier, I am stuck in a screwed up job with a 2yr contract, am trapped in a doomed marriage for 3yrs & I am paying for a flat in an undesirable area, can't sell that for 5yrs. WTH SIAH!!!!

Of coz, I've sent a follow up email to MOM, asking if there is anything that I can do about my current predicament. Pending response. Aaargghh, plus they suggested that I consult a lawyer regarding the compensation of 2k should I resign within the 1st year of service.

Crap... the nxt time I search for a job, I'm gonna fucking make sure that I don't fall under the managerial or executive or confidential profile - if I do, I'm gonna read every single line of the damned contract and clarify all matters b4 I sign the papers. Hopefully, the nxt time I search for a job, I'll have the luxury to wait till something fair comes along.

Shady self-destructed @ 15:45

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

It was a hard decision to make. But I've done so. Am gonna let the pets go. I don't have a choice. I simply can't take care of them any longer ~ I can't do it all by myself. Its a shame, I know. I just hope that my future husband (should I get married again years frm now) is a pet lover as well. Financially I am unable to support them. Physically... I can't. Not when they are kept in tanks. The hammies, I can still clear their stuff and all... the smaller tanks I can... but the larger ones, I simply can't. I tried. So nearly fell into the goddamned tank. Falling into it won't be bad. The bad part is... if I fall, and I hold on to it, and the tank falls on top of me. Thatz gonna be disastrous. I can't take medical leave rite now as I need the $. *sigh* I ain't gonna do it now though. I'll consider my options and see if I have a better alternative. But itz gonna be hard, since I don't think I'll be living here on a daily basis anymore. Itz too energy consuming.

Imagine. After a painful day at work, u return home to an empty stinky house that hasn't been maintained. Nvm. You cook dinner, have dinner and your partner returns. There are still chores undone. You go do them, he doesn't lift a finger to help but watches RAW instead. Then he mentions that he'll be meeting his friends for coffee later, leaving u all alone once again. Hmm... I wouldn't mind the independence if I am still single. But to have a partner who does nothing, its more difficult than to have no partner at all.

It's time that I started thinking for myself. I should have done so a loooong time ago. I just hope I have the mental steel to see this thru'. It's gonna be a difficult chapter in my life ~ but like a local epal mentioned... nothing is too difficult to see thru'. It's gonna be hard, but not impossible. And I'll grow up from all this shit. At least I'll know what kinda situations to avoid in the future. It's just sad, isn't it? That the options in life is a gamble. If u place ur bets correctly, u stand to gain alot. If u place the wrong bet, the mistake will leave a huge scar in your life. Not to mention, it takes alot of time to climb back to the surface, frm the cesspit. But looking on the bright side (though I am not much of an optimist - positive thinking should be well... helpful), when u have reached rock bottom, the only way u can go is up.

I hope that I've been an inspiration to those who read my blog. I am unsure how many ppl do... but well... hopefully you guys/gals who are reading, won't make the same mistakes I did. Before u sign the goddamned papers, please take time to consider. Never make huge decisions on the spur of the moment, and when u are in doubt, trust your instict. Never ignore the nagging thought in ur mind that things wouldn't work out. When u have such doubts, then the risk is not worthy - coz u'll only hurt yourself at the end of it all.

Goodbye for now. I'll blog again when I feel better [or when I get agitated once again]... when will tat be (the feeling betta part)? I have no idea. Take care ~

Shady self-destructed @ 22:35

Many incidents took place the past week... but I just haven't had the time to sit down to blog about it properly. *sigh* Perhaps some of u would have known what went on - as there were times that I had to talk so I ranted on the fone and via MSN. I don't come online much anymore. Well... if u exclude the hours that I'm online in my workplace. Don't have much privacy at wrk so I can't exactly blog as much as I wanna. At home? Itz just preparing of dinner, then have dinner, then a little tv/PS2, feeding & messing ard with the pets, then it'll be bedtime. Am kinda guilty though, that the pets aren't getting much attention. I only manage to feed them once b4 work and once before I Zzz. The basic minimal care is there... but I don't have the chance to socialize them. HaiZzz... the various litters are getting larger alredi - the hamlets have alredi opened their eyes. Hopefully I'll get a chance this weekend to play with them a little. If not they are really gonna grow up wild -.-"

Relationship with Ben is still fucked up. The last straw came on Sunday - when he yelled at me in front of his mom, using vulgarities & commanded me to get lost. He continued to add that it will not be a problem for him to find another woman as there are plenty around. Well, I'll like to see him do that. No stable job, no looks, no $, no character. Which girl will stay as long as I did? It was then that I decided to go ahead with the seperation. Now gotta wait for the legal clinic before I can plot a reasonable route to follow. Somehow, he's still getting sufficient $ to eat and buy stuff... probably he took it frm his mom. Imagine, someone at 27 still taking allowance? Plus, he's still going home everyday - complaining that its boring at Jelapang. And yesterday, he just went to have dinner with his dad + dad's mistress. A real dysfunctional family.

Work sux too. Everything is against the employee. Have alredi sent an email to MOM to check out my rights & entitlements. Browsed thru' the website yesterday and am wondering if I'm covered under the Employment Act. If I am, I'll have a case against my current company - as the conditions and clauses in the contract are deemed unreasonable and below the minimum requirement. *sigh* The only problem is, ppl in managerial & executive positions don't fall under the category. Tsk tsk...

Shady self-destructed @ 09:19

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Monetary woes once again *sigh* Went home to a stack of bills last nite [and a grouchy Ben], and managed to pay off 2 earlier this morning. After paying, checked the bank account and there's only $80 left. Let me do a few sums here. The payments that we gotta make b4 my salary comes - Hong Leong loan $231, Courts $131, insurance $100, poly repayment $138, my handfone bill $38+, his handphone bill $44+, home phone bill $45+, conservancy charges $48... that'll be a grand total of $775+. That is exclusive of this mth's Singapore power bill and Ben's surgery charges. I summarize everything to $1k. How am I gonna dig out this amt of $ before my salary comes? Besides... my take home pay is merely $1120 lehx ~ Headache headache. Ben doesn't seem too concerned though. Irresponsible as always. I believe he'll just ignore the problem and hope it disappears, as usual. I alredi SMSed him, and he gave me a grouchy response... asking me to stop thinking of it and get back to work. Typical Ben.

Loans and buying things on hire purchase really kills. Apparently the bulk of the payments fall under that category. Lesson learnt? Don't ever buy anything under installment plan and don't take any loans of necessary. Otherwise... there's always insufficient to spend every mth. Oh, another lesson. Don't marry someone who refuses to address the issue and come to a settlement. Final lesson. Don't marry someone who doesn't love you [coz all this would be much less stressful if there is support at the end of the day].

End of story.

Shady self-destructed @ 08:49

Friday, November 18, 2005

Beginning of stressful & troublesome day 1. Ben is already home and his mom left me an entire string of stuff for me to do. Basically to wait on Ben hand and foot. I am supposed to cook porridge and leave if for him b4 I go to wrk... then when I come home I am supposed to prepare dinner (boil soup) for him. *sigh* look at my schedule lah, I where got time to do all this shit? Plus I gotta do the housework and all lehx?? Since he's still feeling woozy after the surgery... etc. Then his mum insists that he goes back Teck Whye everyday, when I go to wrk - so that she can take care of him -.-" Which means, every evening after wrk I gotta go down Teck Whye to pick him up. Ain't that uber troublesome? Pls lah, Ben can cook loh. He can take care of himself well enough during the day [since he'll be sleeping half the day away]. This is damn sickening. I just hope his mom can stop being a kaypoh. Come to our place, comment this comment that... itz my house. Not hers ookie?! She should just fuck off and DIE.

Anyway ~ found out something new again. Initially, what I knew about Ben's jaw condition (according to him) was that it got into this current state due to an accident he had years b4. The accident broke part of his jawbone, causing his lower jaw to retract... being shorter than the upper. So he has to go for this surgery. But guess what? According to his sister and mum, an accident never took place and he was born with that condition. Hmm, I wonder, how many other lies had he told me about his past?! This kinda thing oso wanna bluff -.-"

Shady self-destructed @ 09:04

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Now I am wondering... at the end of the day, what did I do all this for? Being good is pretty pointless, when nobody even notices u. Took 3hrs off work to go down to pick him up. As a result, I'll be staying back in the office 1hr after wrk each day for tha nxt 3 days... to pay back the time that I took away. *sigh* What is all this for? I went down. His mom, sis and dad went down too. And know what Ben said? He said that I didn't have to go down in the 1st place... coz his parents will send him home. After all that, this is the kind of response I get. And now his mom is over here at our place - cooking porridge for Ben. She always thinks that I can't do this, I can't do that. As if it ain't enuff that she makes comments about stuff around the house. My dinner tonite is bowl noodles. That's just wonderful, isn't it?

Shady self-destructed @ 20:11

Called the hospital earlier this morning, and the nurse mentioned that most likely Ben would be discharged today in the afternoon. Am intending to apply 1/2 day urgent leave... I wonder if the principal would allow. Itz no-pay leave anyway. Heh, am pretty tempted to go down after wrk, and make him wait there till 7+ but that would mean... his mom would bring him home b4 I do. So that wouldn't be that great an idea. I dun want him to stay over at Teck Whye - coz it'll be troublesome for me, considering that his mom would expect me to go over to take care of him as well :o( Well I just hope that AH can give me some confirmation sometime soon, so I can speak to the principal when he comes in (anytime now). Ben SMSed me not to take leave... that he can wait till I come after work. Tsk tsk... what should I do?

Shady self-destructed @ 10:00

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The house seems really empty, now that Ben ain't around. I just came home from the hospital. He couldn't even speak, that poor piggy... and his face was swollen, his lip sticking out. From time to time, he spits out blood. Ick ~ managed to speak to the doctor, who said that he might be able to be discharged tml... but the nurse wasn't too sure about that. Ah well... I do hope he comes home. He ain't allowed to keep his valuables, but I left his fone with him [at his insistence - really hope he won't lose it]. With luck, he'll be able to SMS me frm time to time. Wouldn't count on that though, looking at the state he was in. *sigh* Much as I keep telling myself otherwise, I do miss coming home and seeing him sitting on the couch. Am gonna miss him tonite, when I sleep, for sure. Gah!! Imagine, that fella left me a list of things to do in the house - seriously long list manx. Plus the rabbits pee stinks real bad... -.-"

Liewz ~ Jacky still has the cheek to SMS mi asking whether he can borrow the PS2. Seriously, if he wants the goddamned PS2 so much, he can jolly well BUY one huh? Itz not as if he's having financial problems mahx. A fully mod set costs $330, with an additonal controller + 1 memory card... it'll come up to $390. Not that exhorbitant huh? Wanna go budget, can easily purchase a 2nd hand one thru' Yahoo auctions or ebay mahx. Why must keep borrowing mine?!

Work is getting fucking annoying. There's nothing much for me to do... and I dun really know what the principal & vice-principal expects frm me. I've asked them, but their responses were not really helpful -.-" When I do some small stuff to keep myself busy, coz I really have nuthing left to do, they'll tell me not to do it... but when they do that, they dun tell mi what am I supposed to be actually doing. Gawd. I really see myself outta there in 2 yrs time.

Shady self-destructed @ 22:51

Monday, November 14, 2005

Eddie Guerrero, 1967-2005

There goes yet another WWE Superstar. Found dead in his hotel room on Sunday morning, it's still unknown what are his exact causes of death. Drugs maybe? Heart attack? *shrugx* Itz a shame when his life hath come to an end... coz his career is definitely picking up. Remember the days when he was just Chyna's sidekick? Losing the Intercontinental title to Chyna? Much has happened since then - till at the peak he was the World Champion siahx. Life is just so... unpredictable. Will watch out for his last televised match against Kennedy soon.

Fwah!!! Haze gave birth to 9 pups!!~! Gotta come out with another 9 names. *faint* Not to mention, gotta name the gerbil pups and the hamlets too. I wonder how many tanks will I end up with at home siahx ~ was forced to seperate Toot & XiaoHei earlier, due to extreme fighting. To be exact... extreme bullying. Was kinda stunned to see blood on the tank when I came home siahx. Then XiaoHei was so terrified that he climbed to the top of the hanging water bottle and refused to come down. No choice. Split them to 2 tanks. When I get my pay nxt mth, will buy a 1ft. tank for XiaoHei... and keep Toot in my old small mouse tank. This 2ft. one will be for the males in Haze's litter + Jumper I suppose. Ah well... plan when the time comes.

Nah beh. Cut my foot on wire mesh. Sway.

Ben's gg to hospital tml. Surgery is on Wed, which means he gotta be warded tml nite. Itz gonna be a few quiet nites at home liaox. Am left all alone *sigh* I just hope he wun be warded for too long - and that he won't discharge himself w/o letting me know. His mom is asking him to go back Teck Whye to stay for a week after he gets outta the hospital. Hopefully he won't lie to me, telling me that he's still warded at AH when he has alredi gone home -.-" Knowing him, itz a 30% chance that he'll do sumthing liddat. What a life ~

Shady self-destructed @ 23:31

Friday, November 11, 2005

Itz Friday. Normally I would TGIF... but not now. Not for another 2 years at least. *sigh* Itz yet another full work day tml ~ that really sux. 5.5 day work week is still acceptable, though not prefered, but 6 is really demanding on my mental health -.-" Am intending to snooze early, then wake up at midnite to catch the RAW that I've missed on Wed (thanx to someone).

Blogged about the hamlets too early yesterday :o( Most of them are dead now. I only see one moving earlier. Can't even remove the corpse of 2 of them as itz inside one of the extensions. Gahh!! I wonder why XiaoDuck hides them in such weird places. Frankly, I don't even knoe if any will be alive tml. Their infant mortality rate is just way too high. A consequence of inbreeding I guess. I dun even knoe the history of XiaoPig and XiaoDuck... whether they came frm a history of inbreeding or otherwise. Read that anything more than 2 generations is negative. Babies will come out deformed, retarded or well... they simply dun survive into adulthood. Waited so long for them to give birth. I just hope that at least one will survive?

Now I wonder... what kinda day would tml be. Itz Sat, so I suppose I'll be seeing Jacky & Eric again whether I like it or not? *sigh* Dun look promising huh?

Shady self-destructed @ 20:44

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Finally I get to do a full post at my own leisure. Finally I get to sit down and type in front of the computer... since that nite. *sigh* That nite was one of the longest of my life. After Ben left for coffee, I tapped for a bit online, went afk and fully intended to sleep. It was then I realised that something ain't right. Internet access isn't supposed to get cut off the minute I pick up the fone. I tot I solved that problem alredi?! So decided to call Ben to ask if he tampered with anything. I called 3x. No answer. I got pissed. Went down to Greenridge and when I saw him chatting happily with Eric & Jacky, I couldn't tolerate it any longer and blew my top. Yes, in front of his friends... and everyone around. I bet he must have been embarassed ^-^

But that had the effect I want. Eric & Jacky made motions that they would excuse themselves, but I refused to let him leave. I wanted witnesses. Since he was so dedicated towards his "brothers", might as well let those guys know what kinda coward Ben is. So the story goes... talking, complaining, more talking... blah blah. I spoke to Eric while Jacky spoke to Ben... then switch... then all speak together. Even then, Ben seem unwilling to admit his mistake. Till Jacky pointed it out directly to him - that running away and leaving issues unsolved is not something a man would do... and it definitely doesn't benefit the r/s. More talk... alot of frustration... till 4am. Yes, that was the time I got home, despite the need to work the nxt day. By the time I got to bed (coz I grabbed a bite as well), it was 4:30am. Needless to say, I was exhausted the entire Wednesday. I just hope Ben would change like he promised to, in front of his "brothers".

Then Wed nite? Ben had to go along with Eric to JB. The sole thought of exchanging the faulty Harvest Moon dvd motivated me to go as well. Alas, there was a jam. Shop closed by the time I got there... went for dinner and got back to sg ard 1:30am. Estimated that I slept at 2am. Obviously I'm totally drained out by now. Am just waiting for dinner... and will sleep immediately after Smackdown. I hope Smackdown ends early tonite.

Arrgghhhh the thought of a 6 day work week really SUCKS!!!

Population boom in my pet safari again. XiaoDuck gave birth to 6 hamlets (yes, I like to call hamster babies hamlets - and itz wrong, so?!). I wonder how many would survive since cannabalism rate in hamsters are higher than that compared to mice & gerbils. The gerbil pups are all doing fine. Will be able to handle them real soon ^-^ The baby mice are babies no longer, they are alredi half the size of Noot. Peeked at Haze earlier and realised that she's really bulging. It won't be long till she produces a litter as well. Perhaps there'll be some solid colored ones this time... and hopefully they'll survive.

But it all boils down to the question again - what the hell am I gonna do with all of them? Keep them all? I really really don't like the idea of giving them up for adoption or selling them to pet stores -.-" It might be profitable, despite what most ppl claim. Just think. 1 female produces 1 litter/mth on the average. Assuming 1 litter, 5 survives. 1 baby mouse sold for $2. That'll be $10/mth. Costs of upkeep: bedding $3/mth, food $5/mth. Which means I'll make a profit of $2 per mth? hahahaha ~ just calculating just for tha sake of doing so. I have zlich intention to sell them despite what Ben says. The rabbits I dun mind selling though... $20ea. XD

Right. Time for dinner now. Will spend the rest of tha time b4 Smackdown gaming. Gah, I should really be working on the cross-stitch. The gal is asking me for it liaox, and I told her b4 Christmas. I dun think I'll make it in time at the rate I'm gg siah. Unless I sew for 4-5hrs per night... then maybe can hit the target. Ah well ~ will just try my best and hope she doesn't yell at me for taking such a long time -.-"

Shady self-destructed @ 20:14

*yawn* The start of yet another day. Didn't get ample shut eye last nite as well... coz someone wanted to go JB with his friends. At this rate, itz just sooner or later that I break down. Imagine. Itz another 2 dayz before I have a day's rest. A 6 day work week simply sux.

Shady self-destructed @ 08:47

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Succinct. Protagonist. Accolade. Enunciate. Bereavement.

Either I am seriously out of touch of the current education demands or there must be something really wrong here. These are few of the words that are included in a EL1 class at the school I'm working at. EL1 is basically the lowest level of them all - supposedly lower primary level. Hmm... so was I given the wrong info (ie. looking @ the wrong file, that EL1 ain't the lowest level here but the highest) or what? Ookie I am certain that I ain't looking at tha' wrong file. Frankly, has the education level progressed this much the last 15 years? Definitely, I wouldn't be exposed to the above mentioned words in primary skool during my time. That seems to me, more of a secondary school level. I mean, how often would u use the word "accolade"? Do u even know what the goddamned word means? LOL.

FYI to accolade is to give tribute, or to honor... sumthing liddat. <-- uhm that definition ain't taken outta the dictionary. My own interpretation based on personal understanding of the language, thatz all.

Pardon my arrogance here... but I have faith that my English level is already considered "above average" (the reason y there's so much Singlish and improper grammar in my blog is coz I simply prefer writing this way when the purpose is informal), and some of the words in the vocabulary list mentioned above, paused me for a moment - coz they are words that aren't commonly used. Most ppl, correct me if I'm wrong, wouldn't even know the meanings of those words for gawd's sake. And those words are supposed to be used in a preparatory class for lower primary? OMFG. I can't imagine what's gonna be taught in a primary skool then.

Synagogue. Perpetuate. Svelte. Resuscitate. Piognant.

Need I list more?

Shady self-destructed @ 12:13

Itz been a very very loooooong nite. Ended up with approximately 3hrs of snooze time - after an exhausting (and highly frustrating) discussion last nite. Am sneaking a post before my colleague and the principals arrive. Don't think I'll have the energy to blog tonite. Whatz worse? Gotta contend with ppl in the MRT and LRT for space once again. At least Ben had the decency to send me to wrk this morning. *sigh* Itz just gonna be a freaking loooooong day -.-" Only 8:40am rite now, and I could fall asleep the instant I close my eyes.

Shady self-destructed @ 08:42

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Every single day it has to happen. I can't take this anymore. After unpleasant silence, he simply has to go out to meet his friends for coffee. Leaving me alone at home again. I can't take this pressure any further. I've arranged for another legal appointment with AWARE's legal clinic. This time I'll be turning up for sure. The only regret I have is not making it an earlier session. Spoke to the cousellor over the phone earlier... and arranged the date for 8th December. Should have arranged one for this upcoming Thursday. This r/s is simply doomed to fail no matter how much hope and effort I invest into it. I am tired. Very very tired. Yet I don't think I'll be able to get to sleep tonite. I still gotta wrk tomorrow. *sigh* Itz gonna be yet another fucked up day.

Shady self-destructed @ 22:31

If wrking in a boring environment doing boring stuff (basically reading and more reading about the courses avaliable) ain't bad enuff, imagine this: coming home after a long day's wrk, squeezing in the MRT & LRT... looking forward to having dinner while watching tv... and the minute of stepping thru' the door, u see someone u don't like... playing ur PS2. Wonderful life huh? Best is, the notion that he'll be joining me for dinner. I just knew that Ben wouldn't cook dinner outta the blue. Why didn't I follow my instincts and go elsewhere instead of coming home? Fucking up an alredi fucked up day. That seems to be his speciality. I wonder when will that bugger sitting in the hall rite now, with MY PS2 console in his hands... fuck off home. So much for looking forward to something at the end of tha' day.

Job sux. Like I expected. And my prediction came thru' eventually. I just knew that MOE would respond after I start wrk. Boy was I right. MOE called me earlier today, regarding my application to become a teacher. Hmm if only they had responded earlier. Teaching sux too. But at least that pays more - plus there are school holidays to look foward to. Unlike wrking where I am now. *sigh* Thatz how life is huh? You get sumthing coz u don't have much of a choice, then sumthing betta comes along but u are unable to let go.

I should really get a divorce. Lest some betta guy come along. At least I wouldn't have to experience disappointment and frustration day in and out.

Shady self-destructed @ 19:43

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Half a day of freedom remains. *sigh* I've said this a thousand times b4 and I'm gonna say it again - time passes really quickly when you're nt doing anything.

It has been a busy weekend. Just came back frm Ikea, bought blinds for the work room and will be gg to PS later for dinner & to take a look at the curtains at Spotlight. Again. This time will be requesting a quotation for the curtains. A sewing machine will come in real handy now. It'll definitely save loads of cost. Too bad. Neither of our families have one.

Prior to Ikea, was down at HSA... with Ben donating blood for himself. His surgery date draws near. 16th to be exact. I wonder if I'll miss him during the time he's living in the hospital. Or would I actually be relieved? Ah well... probably the new job will sap so much energy outta me that I won't have much left to feel anything else but fatigue.

Yesterday was a horrendous day. Plans were ruined thanx to Ben. And had to sit thru' lunch with his damned father, mcp uncle and an auntie - whom I believe, is his dad's mistress (despite both father & son being damn defensive about it). Hmm... I've nvr thought highly of ppl who keep mistresses. This family is dysfunctional indeed. How am I so certain that the woman is his mistress? Besides, plain intuition [a female's 6th sense is very accurate], the signs are there. The way they look at each other... father and son being that defensive - insisting that there's nothing gg on between the 2 of them, when I didn't ask in the 1st place... and well, when we went ovr to Ben's parents place. The auntie didn't go upstairs, coz Ben's mom is there. This time I asked. Ben's response - "inconvienient". Howz that enuff for sneakiness? If they were pure friends, as claimed, I don't see why Ben's mom hasn't met that woman b4 and why would she mind her coming upstairs to sit down for awhile. Frm what I notice, his mom doesn't have as huge an issue with ppl coming up to the home as I do... so that problem is ruled out.

Like father like son? Food for thought ehx?

Shady self-destructed @ 18:07

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Just got to know about this Jack Thompson guy, frm DP. Apparently he's an anti-video games lawyer. One of the people in the world who should, really not even exist in the 1st place. Imagine putting the blame of real life violence on video games? C'mon. Such ppl do need a life. If u wanna read about his "doings", just click here. The Sims 2 being a game with negative influences? *slaps forehead*

I can't remember if I've blogged about Reader's Digest article "Deadly Games" in their latest issue as well. Such stuff really does irk me. Itz plain foolish to think that games actually influence a child to grow up violent. I sent an email to Reader's Digest earlier. Quoted Charlize Theron (from an interview in the exact same issue) in the email. Granted that she was discussing rap and violence in movies, her statement pretty much sums up whatever I wanna say. "... the problem is what's not happening in the homes of these families. Mothers [and fathers, I shall add] aren't raising their children to know what's wrong and right".

Take it frm someone who is addicted to games. It does not make u a killing machine. Yeah... perhaps game do numb me a little to blood and body parts (though I think itz more to do with the huge amounts of gore sites that I've surfed during my teenage years), but... hell, the largest creature that I've killed up to date is a house lizard. By accident!!!!

Shady self-destructed @ 00:32

Friday, November 04, 2005

Bloody hell, this week passed so quickly. Itz alredi Friday now. Another 2 more dayz to go, and it'll be back to working life. Waking up freaking early for 6 dayz a week. I dread the thought. Hmm come to think of it, working actually isn't so bad. The only bad part is having to force myself outta bed in the morning... especially when a crappy night came before tat.

Phew ~ was gaming till 5am yesterday. Taking National B license. lolx. Yeah I decided to restart GT4 totally since the saved game wasn't too far anyway. Will be restarting HM: Save the Homeland as well. Guess the only game that I'm gonna retain when I get my memory card back is Shadow Hearts. Will be deleting off .hack://infection. Seems a pity, that I'm near completion. But I doubt am gonna play that game much in the 1st place. Might as well erase it and return the dvd back to my bro's friend. Come to think of it, will remove Silent Hill 2 as well - since I've alredi completed it once and there's still Silent Hill 3 ready for play anytime. Not to mention, have yet to get Silent Hill 4. Hmm... I wonder what kinda game 7 Sins is. Perhaps will load that one later. Anyway, conti-gaming felt wonderful. Itz been a long time since I did that with a PS2 ^-^ The set seems to run alright - hopefully all the games will be able to run.

Population boom in my pet safari. Was smoking in the living room after I got up and heard some weird squeaking noises. Initially I thought that the mice were fighting... but nopex. Ignored it. Then went to feed the pets after my ciggie and realised that the squeaking noises came frm the tank with Coal & Oynx. Checked and found 5 babies!!~! Phew ~ I never knew that Oynx was pregnant to being with XD Guess that was coz I hardly handle her. Hmm... am starting to wonder, how am I gonna keep them all? Itz a shame that they can be mixed together with the powerpuff gerbs. Blossom has only 3/4 of her tail left -.-" Think she got into a fight with Buttercup (who is missing the tip of her tail). Ah well... thatz just nature.

Soon it'll be time to name the young mice litter. They are now a day over a mth' old - it should be no problem sexing them [unless there's another late developer like XiaoHei]. Will do it later when I clear the huge tank. Starting to reek of mice piss. lol ~ I've been peeking now and then, and it might just be an entire litter of males!!~! There are 5 confirmed males now. Just one other left. No wonder I had problems sexing them b4 their fur showed. No matter how I tried, I didn't manage to spot the nipples. Hahaha... coz they don't have any in the 1st place!!

Oh yeah, who wants pet gerbils? lol ~ I don't mind keeping them all, but I sure wouldn't mind giving a pair or two away to people that I know ^-^ Wouldn't be giving them up for f.o.c. adoption to strangers, thatz for sure. They might just end up as feeders for exotics or worse - baby breeding machines. Can't ppl just understand that... the pet market isn't as lucrative as they think? Itz like, oei, how much can those babies sell for anyway? There's isn't such a huge demand for such pets - be thankful that ppl would take them for free liaox ~ But gerbils are damn low maintanence. Compared to the others I'm keeping. They are desert creatures. Which means they hardly pee and their poop is solidified. So their bedding can go unchanged for a goddamned long time w/o even a whiff of stench. Plus they eat reasonably, compared to those rabbits (who seem to be food vacuums).

*sigh* I wonder why can't I just live this week in peace, since itz the end of my slacking dayz. Ben just has to invite Jacky over for dinner. Giving the excuse tat he cooked too much food. Yeah rite... more like he cooked so much food coz he's inviting his damned bf over. Can't I even have a quiet dinner now? Thank Goodness, I'm getting outta the house by nxt week.

Shady self-destructed @ 18:38

Thursday, November 03, 2005

In addition to last nite's post. Maybe I can do this all alone after all. It might be easier this way. The energy wasted on Ben could be better directed elsewhere. Instead of allowing myself to slip into this downward spiral... perhaps, the energy could be used to climb outta this bottomless pit. My life has never been more fucked up till the day I got together with them. Itz been almost a year now, that I've allowed myself to wallow in self-pity. Should have taken action rather than allow emotion to rule my life. Ben is crap. Crap belongs in the bin, not in my life.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:26

*yawn* It was a long & eventful day and I'm now pretty snoozy. Had a headache for a great part of the day too - wonder if itz due to the lack of sleep, agitation or the heat -.-" But ain't gonna enter dreamland yet... not till I eat some instant mee (since Ben offered to cook, why nt?). Not exactly hungry, but I guess it wouldn't harm to ingest additional food.

I didn't bring the PS2 over in the end. Since mom offered to sponsor me, I got a new set!!~! Woohoo!! Heh, but I didn't spend the entire evening gaming though. Can't, even if I dearly wanted to test out the latest Harvest Moon addition - A Wonderful Life. Am missing the power cable. Ugh. Apparently the guy forgot to put it back into the box when I asked him to test the set. Will be returning to Sim Lim tml to get the cable. Then... hopefully, tml evening will be spent gaming. In the meantime, I'll just read some stuff on Gamefaqs.com to prepare myself for tha farming. lol... though I daresay, I'll probably forget about it all and do things my own way - explore the gameplay myself eventually. This version should be much better than others. More animals for example! Imagine... itz possible to get a cat, and there are gonna be ducks!!~!

Till now, I am still wondering... what is it about the farming game that got me so hooked on its series. Hell, I've played HM on almost every console (missed out GameCube I think) -.-"

Anyway... the reason I woke up early. Well... 10:45am to be exact. Early coz I slept at almost 6am the previous nite. Went to the buffet lunch @ Pariss International Seafood Restaurant and had a wonderful time stuffing myself silly ^-^ Granted that the meal tore a huge hole in my pocket [$29.80++ per person] - but this is gonna be the last lunch buffet I'm gonna have for a real long time... so yeah, don't really mind spending a little more this time!! The variety was great. There was shark's fin soup, crocodile soup, baby lobster, big prawns, fried stuff... and best of all - loads of sashimi XD~ I had about close to 20 slices of salmon today. Phew, desert was wonderful too. 1st buffet place I've been to that offers orange sherbert!! Had 4 whole scoops of it. muahahahahah ~ itz a shame that my stomach is small. Ben suggests that we go back after his surgery... when he's ready to eat again. I'll hold him to that! If not, I'll go alone!

Gahhh the only issue that got me real agitated is when I went home and found my PS2 memory card GONE!! Apparently my bro took to to go play games with his friend. What and asshole. He alredi has his own 8mb memory card. Why doth he have to take mine?! If there isn't space, delete. Itz just that simple. Besides... wth is he playing tat many games at once? *kick*

After lunch, after home, after Sim Lim, we headed down to the Akira showroom at Toh Guan. Ben wanted to get a dvd player for the hall... to shift the mini-compo into the bedroom as I was complaining about not having music to listen to when I snooze. Well... as unwilling as I was to fork out cash for such luxury items rite now, I gave in again when I saw how excited he was over the stuff there. Eventually, we bought a decent dvd player and a home theatre speaker set. Nothing too ex, thankfully. Managed to keep the cost below $300. Phew.

With all that $ draining out these few dayz... I've really gotta wrk hard at the new job nxt Mon, no matter what happens. Ain't gonna lose this job as well. Am gonna make sure that I'm deserving of a raise after the 2yrs. Ughhh itz painful to make an effort in anything, but guess it has to be done someday. Not everyone has the luck to be a rich tai tai. Neither does everyone have the luxury to slack at home, doing nth at my age... and not everyone was born the only child at home that parents will leave everything to at the end of the road. Now tat I've got my own home, I make sure I'm gonna work hard to keep it. As for the issue with Ben? I guess... if he doesn't make any serious mistakes, guess I'll just have to live with him... even though it might shorten my overall lifespan. *sigh* I just can't do this all alone.

Wish me luck. Loads of it.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:32

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Thatz it. I'm gg back to my hermit lifestyle. Devoid of ppl whom I used to consider friends, devoid of social life and activity. Will be bringing home my PS2 tomorrow. Bro alredi got a PSP. Has more things to keep him occupied liaox. What made me come to this decision? Well... friends are useless at the end of the day. Found out that lately a bunch of folks whom I've considered friends, have left me outta their activities. Well... perhaps I was the one to blame for neglecting them after my ROM, but there's no looking back now. I wasn't lucky enuff to have a partner who could fit into my social group. When they asked me out, I either rejected them or had Ben tag along unwillingly. Guess I didn't deserve them in the 1st place. I made the choice. It was either the home or the friends. There is bound to be sacrifice in life. Itz a shame that things have to turn out this way. It was fun when it lasted though. But nth lasts forever.

Thankfully I managed to get a job. Will be starting wrk nxt Monday. Boring dayz are here to stay. Itz a 6-day full work week. 8:30 - 18:00hrs. I reckon that my Maple dayz are over as well... unless Asiasoft decides to do something to rectify the overloaded server. *sigh* Frankly, I wouldn't have agreed to take up the job if I wasn't so desperate. The working hours and dayz are crappy... and imagine, I'm only being paid 1.4k after all that. No overtime pay as well. Plus the boss is a Chinaman... and I have to be in corporate wear. Whatz worse, the location. Bishan. 'nuff said. Thankfully I have a bike. If not itz gonna be worse. I didn't have ample time to consider either. Boss offered me the contract on the spot. Itz either take it or leave it. If I had left it... I dunno when would I get another offer -.-" Anyway I'm stuck in this position for 2 years. Can't quit b4 that period of time or I would have to pay 2k to the company. Ugh. Wish me luck. I need it. Really.

If only I had the luxury to take my time, seek a job. But no... all the past few jobs, I took the 1st offer I got. The past few ended in disaster. I hope this one would be different. The working hours are crappy - but guess I've to get used to it. *sigh*

Embarking on a downward spiral.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:04

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

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