Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I got confirmation liaoX. Boss called mi into his office earlier for a talk - and gosh, was it long. He was saying that the only thing I lack is initiative. Yeah rite. I know I am kinda laid back, but he doesn't notice the stuff that I do... typical of all bosses I suppose. But fuck it. I ain't gonna be here forever anyway. Hmm, and he was mentioning, that intially he wasn't too happy when he found out that I was married (my resume stated: single). The reason being, if ever I want to have a family and raise children, maternity leave is gonna disrupt production schedule. But he mentioned that, since I am alredi here, the company has no choice but to accomodate with it when the time comes. Well... that is actually he least he should worry about. Definitely he ain't aware of my r/s status - he has no business of knowing & I ain't gonna air it out to him of all people... but yeah thatz the last thing thatz gonna happen in the nxt few years. The marriage ain't gonna last that long till children are involved.

Come to think of it, am thankful that the previous child didn't survive. It would really be disastrous if I soften and kept the child. Not to mention, the amount of guilt I would be feeling rite now if I went ahead with the abortion. The only regret now is the wonder of... what toll did that take on my health as Ben negelected to make sure that I was well-taken care of after that. And he did add on emotional & mental turmoil to my healing physical self. I am glad that I don't have to face him for very much longer.

Called home just a few min ago and guess what? No one answered. Called Ben's handfone, and that pig is @ Pasir Panjang. Gave mi the lame excuse that his dad forgot to bring his handfone and asked him to send it down. Yeah rite. I seriously doubt his dad remembers his handfone number. And how would his dad know that Ben is on medical leave today? Most likely is... he went home for lunch & then sent his dad to wrk. Yes, yet another of his stupid lies. I am going home now. No Maple for today... I need rest *sigh*

Shady self-destructed @ 18:42

Am I fucking unlucky or what? I took MC on the wrong day!!~! I was simply too mentally drained yesterday [after all the shit that happened on Monday] to handle another day of wrk, so decided to stay home to relax my brain instead. I should have gone -.-" It was boring at home w/o Internet access & heard frm Elsies that boss didn't come in till 3+ yesteray... and the entire morning, it was just her and Kelvin. I could have Mapled. *sigh* Should have taken MC today instead... since Ben didn't wanna go to wrk earlier. Could have used the time to thrash some things up and settle some of the overdue payments, since he received his cheque yesterday alredi. Well... if that doesn't prove that I taken leave on the wrong day. I am in the office now. Could have played Maple. But guess what? Server is down till 1430hrs - by then everyone would be in the office alredi. Gahh... guess I'll go get some Neopoints instead.

Monday. After wrk I went home to find Ben not there!!~! Ben called mi ard 1841hrs, asking mi where I was... his background was noisy. He claimed that he was at Greenridge coffee shop buying a drink, then he would go home. Wtf does he have to go there for a drink for? There are like cans of coke at home lohx !!~! I was alredi pissed. Then when I got home, he ain't ard. I called up his mom and his mom told mi that he went to send his dad to wrk, and that they were at the coffee shop @ Teck Whye earlier. I dun understand. Why is there a need to lie about such a foolish matter? Needless to say, the anger overflowed. I decided to go ahead to Jurong Point myself, via public transport to replace my tongue stud... met up with ellone, Malao & d3m0nIc there. Phew... thankfully they accompained me for dinner as well. Afterwhich, went to ellone's house for some Maple, b4 they took ellone's dad lorry to send mi back to Jelapang. Got home, Ben was alredi asleep. Had a small fight coz he blamed mi for not waiting for him @ home. Fuck lahx, how the hell would I know what time he would come back rite? Call his handfone oso dun wanna pick up then the entire nite... with him moody and all that... really suxk big time. Later the same nite, he went to meet Jacky. Yes, Jacky again.

Am damn tired of all these lies... over tiny matters he gotta lie. Am starting to wonder, like I told ellone & Malao on Mon, if Ben has some form of bipolar disorder. One good thing came out frm all that though. I finally mastered enuff rage to call AWARE Helpline and arrange an appointment for the legal clinic. Itz gonna be 08/09/2005 - around 7+. I hope I remember and can make it in time. The person on the line mentioned that she'll arrange an appointment with a counsellor as well. I wonder when the hell is she gonna get back to me. I really need to get over with this and done with. And fucking move on with my life. Sticking with a guy like him is a total future suicidal action. I just hope boss doesn't sack me for all the MCs I have been taken. The past 2 times were real. This time... itz just... *sigh* the effect of a bad relationship. Just leaves u totally mentally drained & uninterested in anything else. Itz career suicide. And not to mention, social suicide. Gawd knows how long haven't I been out alredi ~

I wonder where is he gonna go today - claiming that he is on MC. I bet he's gonna be running all around the place again, meeting gawd knows who, doing gawd knows what and will lie to me that he was at home all along. Plus the monetary issues are still present. He still comes out with $ outta no where. Monday when he went to see the doc for that day's MC, he was left with barely $10 and now he has $30 in his wallet when I asked him today. I just hope he'll stop "borrowing" frm others coz it would mean alot of repaying. *sigh* And I wonder when contractor is gonna return us the remainder of the $ frm the loan. I guess that should cover my CPF education loan repayment. Insurance wise, I just called hotline & apparently I only missed out 1 mth's premium. They'll make a double deduction this mth. This weekend, am gonna open a personal account and transfer all my GIRO payments over liaox. No way is that fucker gonna manipulate my expenses anymore.

Hopefully my life can turn around this time.

Hmm... I might have found the fucker who stole my volt meter. Yeah I didn't blog about this coz of other "larger issues". Last week I realised that someone cut off my volt meter. I swore vengeance. There's a CBR in the carpark with the exact same volt meter as mine, and the wire has signs of being cut before. I suspect that that is the fucker who removed mine. If only there is a way to be sure. Innocent till proven guilty or guilty till proven innocent? Woe to those who mess with ME.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:51

Monday, August 29, 2005

Fucking liar. Bloody dirty liar. Ben on MC today, he said that he's gg to stay at home to rest. I called the house fone earlier, no one picked up. Called his handfone... he picked up the 5th time. Background fucking noisy, got radio sound, and noise of ppl talking... etc. His excuse? Said he's at the carpark, gg to office for a meeting. Bullshit. Then where is the radio music coming frm? He said itz someone's car with the radio turned on. Yeah rite. That doesn't explain the rest of the noise !!~! Unless there's a fucking gathering at a HDB multi-storey carpark!!~! Plus, if he was on his way to collect he bike, can't he answer the fone earlier? Goddamnit. If I didn't call him, I would be totally in the dark. He would continue with the lie that he was at home the entire time and the reason he didn't answer is coz he was sleeping. I daresay he went out to meet that "insurance agent" (the one whom he initially said was male, then ltr he said was female) of his, and is now at a coffee shop... for reasons that he is keeping frm mi. Why the fuck can't he simply quit lying?! And what the fuck is he keeping frm me?

Shady self-destructed @ 15:04

Itz Monday again. The weekends always seem to fly by so quickly. And this weekend was just like the rest - uneventful. Was hoping to go for a movie using the free movie passes that I got from purchasing of the fridge but plans were dashed. Ben came home goddamned late on Sat - ard 7+ (yes, goddamned late considering that it was a half-day, geddit?)... and I couldn't find the movie passes. So he said, why not drop by my place on Sun to look for it, then go for a movie after. I thought, okay, why not, since itz just 1 day difference. Went down to IMM to get some stuff for the house @ Daiso. Then it was home again - to further decompose in front of the TV. He initially mentioned that he would go fetch his dad to work, but after alot of grumbling & black face frm me, he said no need alredi... coz his dad took his own transport to wrk. Fine. And thankfully Zen didn't come over like he wanted to. Well... the only thing I managed to acomplish during Sat was watching "Bleach" epi 6 all the will till epi 25. Would have watched more but I have yet finish downloading the rest of the episodes. Can't do it right now w/o Internet access too *sigh* I would go on a download spree once I get back online siahx !!~!

Anyway Sunday came. And Ben was a sick pig. Woke up ard 2+ and had to accompany him to see the doc. When he came back, he just gave mi the sick-pig-face and went to sleep. Evening was spent gg down to Daiso again (to pick up items that we left at the cashier) & dinner at his parents' place. There goes any form of the movie I was hoping to watch. Was hoping that I could watch either "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" or "The Land of the Dead". Hopes dashed anyway *sigh* I doubt he would have gone thru' with the plan even if he was feeling alrite... he just ain't into watching movies as much as I am. Goddamnit. I haven't caught a movie for at least a mth ookie!!~! The least he could do to make up for alienating me frm my friends are accompanying me to ONE. I think those movie passes are gonna just rot till they are overdue, then Ben will lament that we should have used it when we could.

My life is so pathetic. I should really start looking for one of my own, instead of totally depending on him to fill the social void. People I got to know online are telling mi what they do on weekends... etc. and it seems like everyone has activities. *sigh* I still remember that, once, in the past... my life wasn't like this. I am pretty content to stay at home and game, then gg out for a movie and some hanging out at nite, but I dun even have my gaming platforms with me. How long can I possibly play The Sims 2 only? Plus, I dun even know who I can call @ the last min to hang out with anymore. Everyone has plans or their own partners.

Payday is coming soon. Another 2 dayz to be exact. Contractor has alredi received his cheque so good. I should raise my alertness level these few dayz... just in case contractor returns us the rest of the $ and Ben decides to spend it on goodness knows what. When pay goes into the bank, am gonna do some withdrawals liaox. Tmd. His bloody AVIVA insurance claim is taking ages (it sux btw, so pls don't get it... it just ain't worth paying for so-called "additional coverage"). Am waiting for that to process and then close the entire account, so it'll be easier to manage the home finances. I just hope that ass sticks to his part of the bargain - by not spending more than he really should. I can't bear those "poor days" any longer. When there is nothing in the bank and I have limited cash. Not to mention - borrowing frm others just to eat. That really sux. Now to return some of the $ that I have borrowed frm parents 1st. Then will slowly plan what to do. Hopefully all these can be settled soon.

lol, am starting to think that my blog is a bore, compared to some others that I have read. Whatever manx. Itz mine. I can write and bitch about whatever I wanna. hahaha, anyway for those with charged hormones, check out Hazel the Exhibitionist. Gah!!~! This woman is a plain slut manx!!~! But heyz, I'm doing free advertising for her, so I guess she wouldn't mind that she's labelled this way (since she is one) ^-^. Women like her... tsk tsk... really warps the image of Singaporean women in the brains of Singapore men. Then again, the majority of Singaporean men are stupid. So there.

Okay. Itz time again to get back to work. Fuck lahx, tons of things to do again... and some that I am unsure how to tackle. Nvm. Doesn't matter. Am now keeping my eyes peeled for other jobs alredi - jobs with a better remuneration package. I just hope boss doesn't sack me b4 I quit.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:35

Friday, August 26, 2005

It was a Maple disappointment -.-" Came in the office, chiong a bit on killing of mushrooms... xXmikioXx helped mi get the rest of the Jr. Necki skins I needed, completed Luke's quest... got a garnet... anyway I got myself up to 90% and when I was just thinking that perhaps I could lvl up today, went to test fireboar and guess what? Died. exp loss. Went down to 88% gahh!~! Before I could even earn the lost exp back, stupid boss came into the office, with wife & son in tow. Tmd. I hope they can leave early today so I can regain the lost exp and perhaps lvl up. Rogue hath been stagnant at lvl 23 for gawd knows how long liaox. At this rate, how to catch up with everyone else? *sigh* Perhaps I shall just continue killing green mushrooms at Ellinia till lvl 25 then upgrade to horned mushrooms. Ligator is good exp. 60. But it takes way too long to kill, and when I get mobbed, it ain't worth the pots. 1 white pot = 320 meso. Things are expensive everywhere. lolx. When u are poor, u are doomed.

Weekend is nearing even more. Perfect. 2hrs 40min to go. I wonder how is this weekend gonna be. Will probably be either on The Sims 2 or cross-stitching like hell. Received the "Cross Stitch Crazy" magazine & cross-stitch maker last nite when I went home for bro's bday. Woohoo!!~! Looking at the magazine, there's a Times bookstore price tag, so I wonder if I can get my mags frm there in future. Dunno. Will ask the seller about it ba ~ 1st hand magazine comes with a kit every mth mahx + itz brand new ^-^

Shady self-destructed @ 15:52

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Thursday. 2 more days to pull thru' b4 the weekend comes. 25th. 5 more days before I receive my salary. *sigh* Today is my bro's 21st bday. Will be gg home for a dinner "celebration" later. Shame that I can't afford to give him a prezzie. It really sux. That an older sister can't afford a present for her little brother. To think that he & my parents bought mi a PS2 when I turned 21 3 years ago. Come to think of it, the years really fly by. My parents are alredi 54. Itz scary. It would be merely a flash, and then I'll be 54. I wonder what will I be doing at that age. Enjoying an early retirement? Hardly... I wouldn't finish paying for my flat till I am fucking 59. Aaarrrgghhhhh I knew that I should have refused to sign the agreement papers for this damned resale flat. Bt Panjang. What an area to live.

Got more last min stuff shoved onto me earlier. This time to find a white police car for tomorrow's filming. I was notified say... 15min ago? Good luck ShaDy.

An article (about women gaining weight when they get attached) I read on MSN yesterday made mi realise that I am starting to transform into the very kinda person I despise. The big-butt thunder-tigh flabby-tummy office worker. -.-" They are the epitome of all that is unhealthy. Ever since I moved into Jelapang, I believe I have been gaining inches. 1 full bowl of rice for dinner when Ben cooks is simply, for me, overeating. He tends to cook stuff in big portions and eats little... expecting mi to finish off the rest. He said that he doesn't mind [a lie for sure] if I become fat. But heyz, I do !!~! I can't imagine myself being fat and shapeless... and I am jolly well on the way of being blown up. Yah yah u may say that I still look stick thin somehow... but itz the unseen parts that are getting bad. My waistline is increasing, and so is the flubber around my waist area. My tighs are becoming wobbly and my butt is getting huge!!~! Exaggeration, u may think. But itz just a matter of time that I become "one of them".

I dun wanna end up being the kinda of stupid gal who... eats very little for their meals, whine when they eat a little fattening stuff and ahem, still look fat. I'd better start exercising somehow. Burn off those extra carbs that I ingest for dinner. No no I dun wanna be bone thin, but at least, I dun want all those flubber hanging around. Will I drag myself to start? I really don't think so. Am alredi dead tired when I get home nightly, that all I can manage to do is either play The Sims 2 or cross-stitch while watching the tele. Fuck, I am even falling asleep at my desk this very moment. My eyes sure are becoming mere slits...

Shady self-destructed @ 11:36

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Bloody hell, what is wrong with ppl in this company? Lazy muthafuckers. Yeah, itz damn easy to paste one "laptop spoilt" sign in front of the lappie ehx? Then u wanna use it. The problem with the laptop... windows not activated. Since when is that considered as "spoilt"? Then it became up to me again to rectify the problem coz they need to use it for filming. It was time consuming but easy to do. A phone call to a toll-free number, and putting up with a voice operated robot system. Then hey presto!!~! Managed to login and use Windows as per normal!!~! I just wonder, why the fuck didn't that do that in the 1st place instead of leaving it all to me all the time? Itz damn crappy manx. I'm always expected to clean their ass after they crap. Had 3 laptops sponsored. 1 returned. 1 damaged. Yah. Damages. And I have to settle that for them too. Yesterday during filming, had a car collision. Why can't they just take better care of stuff they loan frm sponsors? Instead of leaving me to clear all the mess at the end of the day? What happened exactly? No one is telling me either!!~!

Fuck this shit. I am sick of working here. I am leaving as soon as I get another job offer. Yesh, I can play Maple here. I can do personal stuff. But so what? I'd rather not have those "benefits" in exchange for a betta work environment. Then again... assholes are countrywide. Working life is probably shit everywhere... due to lazy ppl messing up here and there. These ppl have been spoon fed all their lives and don't understand what is trial and error. Especially when it comes to computers!!~! Every small tiny meany thing they'll ask for help. Who helps them eventually? ME!!~! I dun even have fucking IT knowledge k!!~! The only difference between mi and them is I can fucking READ the instructions on the screen, and I can fucking FOLLOW them!!~! Even MS Office oso complain. Why the font so small, cannot see. OF COURSE the font is small!!~! u changed your view to 25% for gawd's sake!!~! Is ur brain operating at 25% as well? I really do think so. I really pity ppl who work in IT departments for large companines. I believe they gotta face these kinda bimbos on a daily basis.

Then forever blame on lousy computer. Lousy brand, lousy specs... c'mon lahx, the desktop I am using in the office ain't that great either lohx !!~! But I believe, the main problem with their computers is the fucking user!!~! This spoil that spoil... NAH BEH lahx!!~! Can check 1st before talking or before asking mi to call customer support bo? I ain't an expert but I can rectifiy basic problems lohx. So if I can't, why can't the others? Coz they are just FUCKING lazy!!~! And when I am trying to solve ur problem for u, can u pls... move far away and not talk to me at the same time while I am "communicating" with the robot over the fone? I may have 2 ears but it doesn't mean I have ample concentration to absorb 2 different conversations. Plus, u are just plain talking shit. So pls shut up. Anyway apparently, now the lappie cannot transfer files frm CD to harddrive. Fuck it. None of my business this time.

If that ain't enuff, ppl just gotta annoy me over MSN as well. This s.o.b. Mr. Andy - I can't remember his email addy coz I've deleted him off my list alredi. I've alredi told him the previous time, before I deleted him, that I ain't interested to describe myself especially if itz the physical sense. Why the fuck does he need to know my ht/wt and vital stats when according to him all he wants to be... is friends? Plus he doesn't seem to detect scacasm. And still can tell mi his own ht & wt... saying "nothing to hide here". The fuck I need to know that? Since when not divulging personal information to a stranger becomes "hiding"? Sad case that people like Mr. Andy are very common in society nowadayz. Loads of such losers lurking around on the mIRC as well. I wonder, what is the world coming to? That everything is based on physical outlook... etc. And let mi guess, Mr. Lame-ass Andy (being 1.7-something & 70+kg), probably looks just like the average Joe on the street. In other words, UNIMPRESSIVE.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against average Joes and plain Janes. The majority of people aren't blessed with good looks. What I can't stand is... ppl like this with such attitude. Gosh... go look into the mirror b4 u ask. If u have supermodel looks, then yah itz acceptable that u have certain expectations of the people u keep around u. But if u look just like everyone else, then whatz the deal? Same case with fat guys (earning average incomes) who are looking for good-looking gfs. Poor dudes, they are alredi fat... and they are plagued with delusion or perhaps blindness.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:28

Monday, August 22, 2005

If only I knew -.-" If I knew I was going to wait almost 1/2hr for Bus No. 33, I would have rode my bike down to Bt. Merah instead. If I knew boss was gonna leave the office so early, I would have slowly taken public transport back instead of blowing $11.40 on cab fare - I even had to ask my colleague to come downstairs to pay the taxi driver. That was plain stupid. Zzz. Yeah I took time-off frm wrk earlier... went down to Hong Leong to sign the papers for the renovation loan. *sigh* I should have rode down and put up with the afternoon heat & lousy parking spaces. At least I wouldn't be poor now... and at least I'll still feel okay. I hate taking cabs. Always end up car-sick after that. Am feeling sick now and it ain't nice. I feel like dozing off but nooooo still got the nxt few hrs to slog in the office.

Itz a boring Monday. Another working week to go =(

$-wise, on paper things seem to be able to wrk out. Ben borrowed yet another 5k frm his mom. Will use that + the Hong Leong loan to settle everything that we have outstanding... including the 1k borrowed frm my parents for the bike insurance. Finally Ben decided to discuss $ matters during the weekend. Think he finally decides that it can no longer be avoided. I just hope that he'll have the maturity and self-restraint, for once to carry out the plans we've made. Plan is - every mth, we each have $400 for our own expenditure... including petrol, food & cigarettes. The rest will be placed in our joint account for the household expenses. He'll settle his own Courts instalment while I settle my own insurance payments with the $400. *sigh* Sounds pretty measly huh? That I'll be left with merely $300/mth. I wonder if I'm gonna survive. Itz gonna be ultra tight and it means that I wouldn't be able to watch movies for a longer time than I expected. But I guess, that sure beats how things are rite now.

A house is difficult to maintain. Well, will take things a step at a time I guess. I ain't giving up totally on the thought of divorce. But guess I'll just wait and @@. If things can be maintained this way... and there is compromise on his part, it might just work out. I just hope that I ain't kidding myself all over again. I know, some ppl will ask, why the fuck am I still hanging on. Well, just put it this way. I have invested alot of time, energy & $ in this and it'll be a fucking huge loss if I pull out rite now. Yeah I know, there might be further losses... but this time I'm judging the case myself and I'll do anything necessary to cut my losses. Will still go ahead to consult a lawyer and all, but the pending matter now is not to let him spend all the cash that we have borrowed on "unecessary means".

Bullshit that if u don't smoke, u'll get sick.

2.5hrs more before I can go home. Think I'll leave later today... to "pay back" the office hours I took off for personal matters.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:07

Friday, August 19, 2005

Itz depressing. Life is. But it still goes on.

People around me are getting new handphones with all those in-features. I am using a super old one that doesn't even support MMS or come with a color screen. Granted that the basic functions I need are there (calling and SMS), but I just feel kinda... left behind, if u get what I mean. My colleague is considering getting a new fone, and she views anything below $400 as "cheap" - it ain't her fault that she thinks so and I dun blame her for doing that but it just lowers my morale. I remember that there was a time when I could do that as well. Spend a few hundreds on something I want w/o much consideration. Now I have to borrow $ just to pay for the TV license and to have lunch. This is totally pathetic.

The $ was borrowed frm Ben's mom. Initially I didn't know that Ben wanted to cheat his mom, by telling his mom that the license is $110 and borrow that amount frm her... and use the rest to of coz, feed his tobacco addiction. I simply told his mom that the amount needed is actually $40+ so she lent us $50. Ben became moody and quarrelled with me over that. Apparently he doesn't view what he intends to do as anything negative. Well, I do. I don't like keeping information frm other ppl, making them believe otherwise. I am really starting to 看不起 Ben. Then I found out last nite, when he came home at 11+ again, that he actually borrowed $20 frm his supervisor just to buy cigarettes. This s.o.b. is hopeless. I dunno how much are we gonna be "returning" once we get our pay. I foresee another "dry" mth.

I intended to call AWARE Helpline last nite, but after cooking my own dinner (of leftovers and instant noodles) and eating... I believe itz closed. Didn't wanna call the 24-hr SOS helpline. Guess I'll do so tonite. Am just bloody sick and tired of this relationship. Colleague told mi that itz possible to nullify the marriage, coz we haven't been married a year and we haven't gone thru' customary rites. Which means, I gonna move my ass and do it ASAP. At least after this is over, my status will be returned to "single", instead of being listed as "divorced". I guess it just have to be that at the end of the road we share.

Itz a shame. But I'd rather it be a shame than a burden.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:27

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Me

Shady self-destructed @ 11:23

Zzz Maple Story server is down for maintainence. Supposedly to update the cash shop. It'll be down till 1200hrs... by then I should think boss would alredi have stepped into the office *sigh* No Mapling for mi today in the office I guess. Fuck manx, am hungry. Last nite forgot about the piece of KFC chicken that I left behind @ Bugis. Intended to eat it after a lvl gain on Maple (xOshaDyOx is now lvl 23 !!~!) but decided to go back to Jelapang after that and forgot about it. It was only when I got back to Jelapang, my tummy growled... then I remembered. Phew ~ Eating KFC was a luxury. I was glad that I went home for dinner last nite. Troublesome no doubt, but the food was worth it.

Had a chat with my parents too. Both encourage mi to leave Ben.

Why did I go to Bugis after wrk yesterday? Simple... someone called mi at 6pm telling mi that he'll have overtime till "very late". I was goddamned tempted to just remain @ Bugis last nite, but noooooo he said he coming home then ask mi to check if got road block bo. Serves him rite if there was a road block and he got caught. But that's a huge offence so sounds bad to handle at this point of time. Anyway I made up my mind on some issues last nite - when he fucking threw his baby temper again when he got home (smoking a stick frm a new pkt of ciggies - see! he does have $ stashed away). I'll be calling the AWARE Helpline tonite, and perhaps arrange for a legal session. I just need to know my legal situation rite now b4 embarking on the other plans that I've alredi made.

Initially I thought to settle the financial part 1st b4 thinking about whether to stick with this marriage... but discussed this to Elsies, my colleague, on MSN yesterday and what she said made me think. I gotta decide where I wanna go with this r/s 1st, before settling the finance coz my decision will have an impact on the solving method - on how I am gonna manage my finance frm now onwards. Point taken.

Ben's overtime last nite was yet another goddamned lie, I daresay. Checked his handfone, and I saw this SMS frm an unsaved number, asking him "how tonite?". I questioned him. He claimed that itz his insurance agent, pressing him to purchase a policy, but he didn't respond coz he was just "too busy at work". Hmm the number looks familliar. I remember seeing it once before and when I asked him back then, he claimed that itz frm his colleague. He's such a wonderful liar. He should have known by now that I have a better memory than this !!~!

Itz just a real shame. I kept holding on, hanging on... despite many times that I wished I'd let go. Despite the times that I nearly let go, but didn't. I was holding on hoping that somehow things will improve. Who am I kidding again huh? This is simply wasting my precious youth. I have to move on with my life or I'll really be miserable forever. Perhaps I am just worried that I'll never find another partner for the future. Well come to think of it... perhaps I'll never meet another guy who is willing to settle down. But so what? No relationship is betta than a lousy one !!~! I just hope I won't trust another person that easily again.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:44

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I am so goddamned fucking tired. Had to force myself to get up and make my way down to office... to open the door at 7:30am. Well, after that I was chionging Maple. With help frm chapter1 and d3m0nIc, managed to get myself up to lvl 22. Gahh!!~! exp gain is so measly. 1 horned mushroom is like just 0.15% when I was lvl 21. I can't imagine how izzit like now. Perhaps I should just concentrate on pigs instead. Lower exp but can kill more b4 I need to rest or pot. Shame that I don't have Internet at Jelapang. Then again, even if I do... itz a pain gaming during server peak hrs. Too many other players w/o the courtesy to NOT ks. Especially those bloody mages. Perhaps I should start a mage character too. yah yah... but I don't have the time. Unlike in the past when I can create 3 RO characters on Shazz and get them all up to 2nd job, with my highest @ lvl 93.

Hmm wonder if I should continue taking the risk and gaming during work hours. Or rather, me continuing to do all these private stuff. I wonder after 3 mths is up, which letter will I get - one of confirmation or termination. Since the retard of a boss can hand Prisc a termination letter (and she is hardworking), I dun see why he can't do the same to me. The thing is... I always manage to complete everything assigned to me and I have yet to commit a major screwup, so it'll be damn lame if boss decides to terminate based on the same reason he gave to Prisc - that she ain't up to the company's standard. Not that I really love wrking in this company. If I ain't in such a dire financial state now I would have resigned. Boss just seems like the kinda person who squeeze the max outta employees. Minmum pay, maximum output. I wonder when will I again have the luxury to choose the job I'm gonna take up.

Arrrgghhh fuck the world!!~! I keep whinning about my situation but I ain't doing anything about it. Thing is - I have absolutely no ideas left of what to do about this!!~! Money don't fall on trees and as I am MSNing with SD rite now... it ain't as easy as that in RO. Money don't appear whenever a monster is killed!!~! I have alredi tried getting tution assignments. Had a hopeful the other time, but I guess the parent chose a more qualified tutor -.-" Besides tutoring, I dunno how else am I gonna earn those extra bucks. If anyone knows, pls tell me!!~! And fuck off if u are thinking of suggesting prostitution. That is just fucking lame. And those mIRC shitasses... $200 for touching... blah blah. I'll bash them up f.o.c. manx. Guaranteed hospitalisation. Free extra bashes if fail the 1st time.

Sick & tired sick & tired.

I wonder how much "hidden resources" does Ben still have. He can actually afford to purchase cigarettes!!~! And I am so goddamned broke, left with $5 to fend for myself. I dun even know how am I gonna pump petrol tml. Confirm tml b4 I go home need to pump de... if not today. The level in the red liaox. I think + reserve tank, can still manage to get thru' today go home and tml go to wrk. I just hope I dun end up stalled somewhere on the road. Maybe I should just fucking get up earlier and take public transport to wrk. At least I still have $ in my ezlink card. There goes my precious sleep. *sigh* If there is anyone who should be taking public transport, really, it should be Ben. He is now riding w/o a license for gawd's sake. Him being the stubborn mule who doesn't consider about probable consequences.

Then last evening, when I went home, found this letter stuck at the door. MDA asking us to apply for a TV license. Thatz like what? $110/yr. What the fuck is the gahmen thinking of seriously? Even owning a TV set need to pay? Ain't it enuff that we are paying for SCV subscription, paying for a fone line, paying some ridiculous conservancy charges, paying for water, paying for electricity, paying for refuse removal? Yah speaking of that... throw rubbish oso need to pay. Wtf. Bloodsuckers manx.

chapter1 was suggesting earlier, that I should write a letter to my MP to see if they can offset some payments. I dunno coz all this boils down to poor budgeting on our part... I guess itz worth a shot. Will speak about it to Ben later this evening and see what he says. *sigh* That is IF he comes home early this evening. If not it'll be another mad rush for chores... blah blah before we gotta sleep liaox. Betta work on the cross stitch more.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:54

Monday, August 15, 2005

Can someone tell mi how am I supposed to tolerate a perpetual liar in a relationship?

I dun even understand why does he keep lying over stupid matters. Just last week, he went back CCK and took his spare bike rider footrest. Asked him whatz that for, he claimed that he's trying to fit it into his pillion footrest. Fine, thatz a ridiculous idea - considering how his pillion footrest is - but nvm... let him do whatever he wants. It was not till yesterday, when I checked his handfone (yes, this has become a habit for mi coz I wanna know what actually is gg on) that I found out it was actually for his colleague. His colleague SMSed him asking him to bring down a footrest. Ben responded okay. I confronted him this morning but he denied. Saying tat he never gave the footrest to his colleague in the end. *sigh* This kinda situation keeps popping out ehx? His so-called excuse that "nothing happens" in the end. I just don't understand why does he wanna lie about this kinda matters. Come to think of it, his overtime last week was probably a lie too... he was probably spending the time fixing up his colleagues bike.

Plus he is an inconsiderate s.o.b. Coming home late on Sat as well, w/o bothering if I eat my lunch or otherwise. I ended up with cup noodles coz I can't afford to buy food (yeah I could buy, but it'll mean I go hungry today). On Sun, he simply refuses to wake up... leaving mi starving in the house once again. So I had no choice but to resort to - instant noodles. When he wakes up, he drags mi down to his grandma place for "a free meal" and then upon reaching home, he dominates the tele. I was so tempted to just pack my bags and leave yesterday.

I don't understand why I can't leave.

Yeah the feelings are still there... but I MUST drag myself away somehow. My life is already totally fucked up. Why am I still hanging on? It is alredi apparent tat Ben won't change... and that his lies will simply continue till eternity. Is it the house that is still holding me back? I don't wish to pay so much and eventually end up with nothing. I need to consult a lawyer. I just hope I won't keep procrastinating on this matter.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:43

Friday, August 12, 2005

Itz 1924hrs and I am still in the office. Not that I failed to complete my work. Everything is more or less okay now. The reason is... I am still waiting for ERP to be over. Colleague told mi that itz 8pm. Friend of mine told mi the same thing. I am so tempted to go back to Jelapang to have instant noodles instead... but on 2nd thoughts, why settle for that when I can go back to my parents place for a decent dinner? Plus, if I wanna eat instant noodles, I think I'll be able to do that tml. Much as I wish I could just stay at Bugis till Mon when I go to wrk again, I can't coz furniture shop guy is gg to come over tml to fix the hinges for our bed. In the morning. So I predict that I'll be making my way back to Jelapang in the middle of the nite and still go home to an empty house. I hope there's something good on HBO later. Ben called earlier, to chat. Yeah rite. Fucker. He's just making sure that I wun go down to his wrkplace to look for him, I can bet. He said he's gonna be there till nxt morning, probably. Fine. He can do whatever he wants. I just wish that I have the Internet at home. So at least I can chiong Maple all the way. Am training my Booters character rite now. *sigh* My life blows ~

Received news earlier that a colleague of mine has been terminated. Given 1 mth's notice. I really dun think she deserves that. Granted that at times her requisitions are slow and that hath given mi alot of headache... it still isn't a major cock-up for her part. Guess this company is just way too harsh and I've gotta watch my ass a little. I wonder how would they react if they see mi playing Maple rite now. Well... it is technically after office hours.

Shady self-destructed @ 19:30

Yet another day to get thru'. Thankfully I am alredi halfway there. I wonder what time will I finally manage to go home tonite. Hmm... hopefully I'll be able to get off early enuff to make a trip down to TTSH to visit pero. I wonder if TTSH is as flexible as GH with regard to their visiting hours. They betta be, coz I dun think I can make it within their stipulated hours, coz I foresee that I'll be staying back in the office later. No thanx to those last min car requistions. Now I gotta call sponsors urgently and those that I've contacted either have no cars, or say they'll call me back later coz they are in a meeting. Then there's the issue of a boat needed on Mon evening. Hell, enuff of work, I dun even know where TTSH exactly is -.-"

Nvm. Alot of time passed between mi typing the previous paragraph and the paragraph I am typing now. Finally managed to settle things more-or-less regarding the vehicles till nxt week Tues. Now I wonder how am I gonna settle dinner. That s.o.b. has overtime again... and this time itz gonna be till "quite late", so he doesn't care how am I gonna eat. I can't go home to Bugis now, coz the same fucker has taken my cash card - Bugis carpark use cashcard de... then I can't get thru' ERP either. Perhaps I should just risk parking on the pavement. I wanna eat out, but I dun feel like eating alone & besides, I dun have $ to do so. He claims that very long he nvr do overtime le... frm what I remember, yesterday was the only time, since we moved to Jelapang, that he got home earlier than me!!~! Bear in mind that he finished wrk at 6pm and I finsh at 6:30pm and his wrkplace (Jurong) is nearer to Jelapang than mine (Aljunied)!!~! I dun wanna stay in the office today as well, coz boss and the directors are all around - so no gaming for me. I dunno y he always has to ruin my life.

I goddamned fucking hate him.

Shady self-destructed @ 18:02

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Nothing betta to do, so took a few quizzies. Yesh, those kinda lame quizzes who tell u nothing more about urself than u alredi know (just at times most ppl tend not to admit), and some that make utterly no sense at all. But yeah, worth a few clicks if u are in the dun-feel-like-doing-anything-else mood. So here are the results...

The True You
You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more relaxed, calm, and composed.
With respect to money, you are a bit stingy.
You think good luck is something you won't attain - you expect bad luck.
The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort.
You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.
When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you don't have any particular type in mind, but you are inclined to look for someone who will say yes when you ask him / her out.
Who's" the True You?

Fine, there are actually more but the html codes the webby came with are fucked up and I don't feel like expending brain cells editing them. So there.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:27

Damnit. It ain't even mid month yet. I am just looking forward to the end of the mth so I can take my pay!!~! I am just totally broke :`( Ben had to borrow $50 from his mom last nite... to supposedly last thru' this week. I tell u, at the end of the day, after buying cigarettes and topping up petrol... I'll be amazed if that amount lasts till nxt week -.-" Cigarettes are just so expensive these dayz. $9.60 for a pkt of Texas 5 Menthol Ice. Yah yah the reason for the price hike, supposedly to encourage ppl to quit... same goes with the removal of small pkts for sale. Fuck manx!!~! More like trying to absorb more $ frm the people, forcing smokers to smoke more coz now sell big pkts. I don't see ciggies being that expensive in M'sia or Indonesia... itz just some goddamned tax that the gahmen hath set to suck away more of our hard earned money. Hmmm so why don't quit? Well, if u ain't a regular smoker, u won't understand. Smoking is more like a habit to alot of ppl, than an addiction. They can probably live w/o the nicotine but the process of having a ciggie has become routine to them. Especially after meals. I don't consider a meal complete w/o a puff at the end. I dun mind if the sticks are made shorter... just gimme more sticks in a pkt. I don't smoke that heavily!!~!

...: taking a smoke break :...

Gawd knows when I started smoking. I can't exactly remember but I was about 16+ when I bought my 1st pack of marlboro methol lights. Then it was on and off smoking during poly years. Managed to quit due to an ex-bf and was smoke free for 2 years till we broke up. Then smoking became more of a time wasting thingy - have a puff while u are slacking with ur mates at a coffee shop. Smoking was also a good excuse to take a break during work hours. And now, it became so much of a routinue tat I get kinda irritable when I don't puff. *shrugx* And I still claim that I ain't addicted. Well... itz the same as... I have this habit of washing my hair at least once a day, and I have this habit of having soup with dinner - dun feel good either unless I do them. Cigarettes have somehow incorporated themselves into my life. I wonder if I should quit, since itz burning up alot of precious funds. At least $150/mth.

To remain smoke free, I gotta remain busy. I gotta do stuff at every time of the day - perhaps occupy myself with gaming or working on a cross stitch and isolating myself frm other smokers. Itz only then, I don't feel the urge to take a puff.

It would be a great help and motivation if Ben decides to quit too. Itz just that, everytime he lights up when he's around me (and itz very often), I find myself wanting to light a stick too. Occasionally I ignore the crave and carry on doing my stuff, but most oftenly, itz too difficult to resist. *sigh* Even watching ppl smoke in anime or in the movies would make mi instinctively reach for my packet. Hell, even talking about it makes mi wanna smoke. Smoking has also became a way for me to curb my temper... when I get pissed, smoking helps. When I am stressed too, smoking calms me down somehow. I guess itz just the procedure of deep breathing and stepping back frm the incident a little.

Fuck manx, enuff about smoking. My day is alredi bleak enuff with borrowed funds in my wallet. Money woes. Perfect thing to just ruin the mood -.-"

Maple Story was down the entire morning, for some maintence shit. Great... and I did have time to game earlier. Now, boss is in the office so there's nothing much I can do. Yeah, I have work to complete, things to do... but I am procrastinating again. I just feel like curling up under the quilt at home and drift off to oblivion. Coz when I am awake, the trouble exist. Fuck, even when I sleep I dream about the problems. Hong Leong contacted me yesterday, telling mi that the max loan is 5k. It ain't enuff, but what can we do? Just take it... at least it'll cover most of the renovation shite. Then our pay for this mth will go into paying off the outstanding bills. *sigh* Am worried most about the GIRO payments... there are never enuff funds in the bank to cover them & I alredi owe the CPF board 1 mth's payment. This mth too, I assume. Coz deduction is gonna be made within this week and no $ is coming in this week.

I dun understand why is Ben still having an optimistic view on this matter. He still believes tat somehow we can solve it w/o much problems. He simply doesn't regard late payments for bills as problems. I do. Coz frm my point of view, bills just snowball. Besides, our situation now is that we can't even afford to buy food home to cook!!~! His method of solving - eat at parents' house daily... that isn't what I want, really. He's taken my cash card, so I can't go home (coz I dun wanna park my bike on the pavement, risking a $70 fine & I dun have $ to purchase another card). By the time he comes home, and goes over to his parents place, I dunno what time would it be alreadi. Then there is still lunch daily... when I go to wrk.

Arrrgghhh I am really having a faint grip on sanity.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:10

Monday, August 08, 2005

Life just gets increasingly frustrating. The last weekend was just totally crappy. Fri - I failed to get car sponsorship and boss just decided to go ahead with renting the cars... but he doesn't wanna pay for 2 days rental... and asks mi to rent them frm private owners instead. Fine. I had to stay back till 8+ in the office till I finally managed to get 2 cars. Then when I went home, Elsies confirmed with mi the 3rd. Everything was a huge headache and to increase to the pain, Ben had to drag mi downstairs to burn incense for the lunar 7th mth. Frankly, I don't give a shit about such things.

Sat was a mess. The entire morning, my fone was ringing... colleagues asking mi about the cars, driver calling mi up and complaining that everything was last minute... etc. If that ain't shitty enuff, Sat was a rush. Electrician came to change the powerpoints of the house, then Defu Furniture finally sent the coffee table over. Genius Ben didn't inform mi that I gotta pay $16 upon receipt of the furniture... had to make my way down to the atm at Greenridge to withdraw $... and Ben wasn't even apologetic. He is totally fucked up when it comes to handling stuff. Then when he came home, he insisted that we rush down to DeXing to send my bike for inspection. Apparently we needed the log card for my bike. Ben forgot all about it... and woohoo, cannot sumbit. Fine. Then gotta rush back to Jelapang coz contractor guys coming to fix the bathroom. After that, rushing madly back to Bugis to take my log card and then back down to DeXing to submit the log card. Then finally itz over. I can finally take my breakfast + lunch + dinner all at the same time.

Sunday came. I wanted to sleep in late but my sleep keep getting disturbed by Ben's fone. Dunno why, he set his alarm for 8 in the morning and guess who woke up when it rang? Then Weixiong called him. Then finally he woke up and made alot of ruckus that I couldn't continue sleeping. If that ain't crappy enuff. My office had to call mi again and feed mi with more problems regarding the collection of today's vehicle... blah blah. Can't they just give mi peace during the weekend? They are paid to work. I am not, so I deserve the break at least.

I hate my job.

Sunday went home to Bugis, borrowed 1k frm my parents for the bikes. Then today morning came. Today is gg to be another horrible day. Ben threw his fucking kiddy temper in the morning. Coz he was late for wrk. Yah... then what? My fault? I don't think so !!~! I went down to the atm and realised that he withdrew the 1k alredi... his excuse? Pass it to his colleague to pay DeXing 1st. I dun understand what the fuss is all about. Yes, his road tax has expired, but paying now and later after work doesn't make a difference. The overdue charges are the same and he is still riding w/o a license. After wrk the initial plan is that he picks mi up frm my office then we go down to take his bike... then when I called him in the morning, he said he might have overtime and wants mi to go down to DeXing myself to wait for him. Wait till what time I really dunno. 9pm? 10pm?

Plus itz alredi proven frm time to time tat his overtime is a LIE. Last nite I peeked into his handfone, saw an SMS frm an unregistered number... asking Ben to meet the person at 7pm last Fri. Ben said he had overtime that Fri. He even got home later than mi that evening saying that he has alot of stuff to pack. Yeah rite. And he can meet his friend at 7. Good job.

I hate Ben.

Both the job & Ben has to go somehow. Endless problems, endless stress... no break for me. Itz gonna be a hard day at the office today... more car requisitions to settle. Itz gonna be a worse day at home today... and I can't imagine tomorrow. Itz a public holiday. Am gonna be home the entire fucking day with Ben. I used to look foward to holidays. No longer.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:43

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Phew... finally managed to get xOshaDyOx to lvl 19.

Levelling on Maple is so slow rite now... and itz not everyday that I get to play it. Intended to come early into the office today but it rained. I ended up taking train to wrk & was late for 1.5hrs. Thankfully boss didn't get into the office early today. Thatz the disadvantage when u are a bike rider I suppose. At the mercy of the weather. I just hope that it wouldn't rain in the mornings often. Was washing up and getting ready to leave the house when it started to pour. At times like this, I wish I am still living at Bugis.

Today ain't too good a day. Besides the bad start (the levelling up saved the day frm being totally crap), I came to wrk and found many car requistions on the table. One of them is for a car that has alredi been sold. I dunno how am I gonna find a white honda civic to replace it. I just hope that the sponsors will give mi positive news when I call them later. Cars for this weekend. I hope I'll be able to get them w/o much problems as well. Hopefully the outdoor shooting will come to and end soon. Itz still another mth b4 filming will wrap. Gah... the nxt production betta not be this jia lat !!~! Major headache - nxt nxt monday. I need a f**king sampan. How the f**k am I supposed to do that? Blah, I just received a fone call frm boss's son. Asking for his parents... which means boss is gg to come later. That sux.

Last nite was yet another late nite. Thanx to Ben gg home to his place to take $20 frm his dad. Supposedly it was for "standing by" though the ship got cancelled. I dunno whether I should believe him or not. I know he has this savings thingy with his siblings... I wonder if he's still contributing to the amount even though we are so totally broke now. Dun get mi wrong, I ain't against him doing tat. I'll do the same in future. But I do expect him to understand our current situation b4 doing anything. Plus, if he has some private cash stashed somewhere... now would be a good time to come out with it to pay off our stuff. He's still doing overtime after wrk. I've given up trying to keep track of his spendings. I just wish this thing will blow over soon somehow so we can finally split our accounts.

Sent my particulars to a couple of tution agencies alredi. Hopefully they'll give mi some response soon. If not, nxt week I should start attacking the papers. The assignment I mentioned about the previous time? No definite response yet. Agent said he'll get back to me once client's husband returns frm overseas. I just hope I can get that assignment at least. The $ sounds good... and itz for a pri 1 kid, English being my forte, I should be able to handle it. Ben was questioning mi about it last nite too. Sounds disappointed when i told him that it has yet been confirmed. Guess he's just waiting for mi to do something for extra income. *sigh*

Tonite's gonna be troublesome. After wrk I gotta go back Bugis 1st to get some documents b4 gg home to Jelapang. I'm just thankful that the weekend is nearing. I want rest ~ and I need time to wrk on the cross-stitch.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:39

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

As usual I dun have the mood to wrk again. What's new? Nothing. As expected, Ben didn't cook dinner last nite. His overtime took him till 10+... reached home around 11+ he did. *shrugx* I got home around that time too, coz I went back to Bugis for dinner @ my parents place. To his credit, he made supper though. That was like 1+, after all those laundry and ironing of clothes. After eating, taking a bath... etc. it was about 0218hrs when I finally managed to lie down to sleep. Yes, itz another sleepy day. Journey frm home to wrk was thankfully uneventful. There was the usual heavy traffic along the PIE. Gahh !!~! Gotta remember to top up my petrol tank after wrk later. Hmm... itz the 2nd, which means my insurance premium is gonna be deducted today. I borrowed $300 frm parents yesterday. $100 is gonna go for my insurance, $108 for his. The rest, hopefully will be enough for petrol for both our bikes. And hopefully the Hong Leong loan will be approved soon. I wonder when is all this borrowing gonna end. Even my dad is apalled when I told him about our current financial status. He keeps offering to pay stuff for us but I turned down the offer. I can't expect them to fork out more than they alredi have. I know they aren't doing that well themselves. I can bet, the 10k they lent to us for the renovations is their entire savings liaox ~

I wish I could do more for my parents. I wish I could help contribute something to the home I grew up in. But thatz beyond my means rite now. Have yet to pay this mth's conservancy charges. I printed out the GIRO form earlier, am gonna get it signed and hopefully that will save mi some trouble of walking to Greenridge just to use the frigging S.A.M. I miss the convienience of home. Really. Doing housewrk everyday is a tiring process. Yeah, I have HBO at home, but I don't have the time to watch anything on it !!~! Perhaps I can do - should do - w/o the Internet connection after all.

Posted an ad on Yahoo! Classifieds yesterday, offering tution services for evenings & weekends. Thatz the only thing I can think of rite now. Got a response but have yet to contact the agent. Will do so when I get home later. Shouldn't discuss such things in the office where ppl can hear. The offer sounds good. Pri 1 boy, $250/mth, Mon & Wed evenings - 2hrs each. I wonder how much is the agent gonna take for comission. *sigh* Whatever manx. Even an additonal $100 would be good for the home rite now. I just hope I dun screw up the assignment. It ain't that easy tutoring kids... especially if the kid is brat & unwilling to co-operate (like most kids these dayz). I hope contacting the agent by tonite ain't too late.

Wish me luck. I need it.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:26

Monday, August 01, 2005

2003UB313. A new found planet in our solar system. Beyond Pluto.

NASA-funded scientists caught sight of the planet while looking thru' a telescope at the Palomar Observatory. Member of the Kuiper Belt actually, but according to the authorities, judging frm itz size (relative to the other known planets on the Solar System), it can only be classified as one. Interesting huh? I wonder when will NASA actually find other sentinet life forms instead of just finding planets here and there... lol... but great job to NASA (if all this is true, that is - I am still skeptical that the Earth is even round in the 1st place)!!~!

Shady self-destructed @ 16:04

Bad beginning of a Monday. It was bad. Really bad. *sigh* On my way to Mediacorp, then to wrk, I believe I've managed to pick up 2 traffic offences - speeding & beating a red light (again). Till now I am still unsure of the status of the previous red light camera @ Lavender Rd. I have yet to receive any mail frm the traffic police, but that doesn't mean I've gotten away scott free. It just means they are inefficient. The mail will get to me sooner or later. Am just hoping that everything doesn't come at the same time. I know that my license will be suspended... I just hope that it wouldn't get revoked. My probation period is recently over. It'll be a huge blow & an extreme inconvienience (now that I live in Jelapang) if itz revoked.

Today? I was careless. I don't know what I was thinking, frankly, to commit those offences. I saw the "speed camera ahead" sign, but I didn't look out for the camera. I didn't look at my speedo either. It was after quite sometime that I realised, I was travelling faster than most other cars (it was a 80kmph road... I went around 90kmph - my usual speed), then I remembered that there was supposed to be a speed cam somewhere... but I didn't see it. Was looking out at the road signs instead, coz I dun really know the way to MediaCorp frm Jelapang. Guess I got caught then -.-" Then at Lornie road, I was looking out for Andrew Rd to get up Caldecott hill... apparently it was on the other side, so I had to make a u-turn, but I was 3 lanes away frm the right. I dunno why I made that stupid decision then... to simply cut across the lanes and made the turn (as if I am cycling). It was a red light. Thatz the cross-junction of Thomson Rd-MacRitchie. Such a huge junction is bound to have a red light camera.

My mistake. I failed to think.

If that ain't bad enuff... I reached office early today, at 0930hrs. Was hoping to squeeze in some Maple time, but nooooooooo the same problem appeared. Monitor out of frequency range. Which means, I can't play. I wonder which idiot adjusted with my monitor during the weekend. *sigh* No Maple for mi for at least a mth then... in fact, no online gaming. Then colleague asked mi to look for cast, for tml. -.-" I've called a couple of numbers with no positive response... one person said he'll call mi back, I wonder what will the outcome of that be. I hope he agrees, coz I have much more to complete today. I wonder why am I still blogging then. Guess am just suffering from lack-of-online-access.

I don't have Internet access @ Jelapang. Ain't as bad as I initially thought. I installed The Sims 2 last nite and it seems to run fine on my PC. Only the mouse is being problematic. Ball keeps getting stuck and the mouse doesn't move... had to "improvise" by removing the "ball cover" and trying not to lift the mouse when I play. Better than nothing I guess. Will use that till I have enuff $ for a new mouse. Besides the Sims 2, I still have my emulator games so guess my gaming life wouldn't totally go down the drain. Also, my bro promised that he'll buy me a PS2 by the end of nxt week =) With all those, I suppose, online gaming can wait till I can afford to relocate & transfer my old broadband account. That'll be roughly $50. Anyway I have HBO & my cross-stitch besides gaming so yeah, leisure life ain't that bad afterall.

Itz the house chores that are draggy... the iron doesn't seem to work well. No matter how much mi & Ben iron a t-shirt, the t-shirt still ends up creased. F**k it. Crumpled days are here to come. Gotta see if Ben has the chance to teach mi how to do some of the house chores. Weird huh? It should be actually the other way round - that the guy doesn't know how to do anything. lolx. Hmmm but I'm quite content to just sit back and relax... and do all the other stuff, like unpacking, cleaning up, arranging of things... etc. Itz the lack of sleep that I ain't glad about. *sigh* Since we've decided to move, we get to sleep after 2am every nite. Thatz gonna affect my health in the long run. And I wonder, how long will Ben keep up being at home. I forsee many lonely nights in the future, but at least I've got my games, so yah... it wouldn't be too bad.

Just that it sux coz he doesn't seem to be able to keep his promises.

Financial woes are the worst rite now. I don't even have $ to buy a pack of cigarettes now and I only have $2 left for lunch. Both our bank accounts are dry and Ben doesn't have more than $5 on him either. I don't know how are we gonna get thru this mth. Imagine, itz the beginning of the mth and we are flat broke. I just hope the Hong Leong loan gets approved soon, so at least we'll be able to get some spare cash to clear the payments for this mth. My insurance premium is due tml. I can't pay it for sure. My poly repayment to CPF is due mid mth. And this mth, itz x2 coz last mth there wasn't enuff in the account for them to deduct. The there's EzyCash, Ben's stupid Courts instalment, conservancy charges, last mth's SP bill, this mth's SP bill, both our handfone bills for this mth, Ben's bike final instalment and season parking for Jelapang. That'll total up to at least 1k. If that ain't enuff, my road tax is expiring soon (mid mth). I gotta send my bike for inspection, renew my insurance & renew my road tax. Ben's bike too. We wouldn't get our salaries till end of this mth. I dunno how can we do this. Furthermore, once the letters frm the Traffic Police come, I gotta settle the fines as well. Not forgetting, our daily expenditure.

We are just so dead.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:02

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

+ A r c h i v e s +

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+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

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