Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Just got my 1st paycheck frm Matrix Vision... heh well, not exactly a paycheck but a payslip... pay is deposited into my account directly. *sigh* When I signed the payslip, I felt thrilled, but only for a moment... afterwhich I realise that I wouldn't get to spend this amt of $. Everything is gonna be used to payoff the renovation contractor - the one who is doing our home on the overall. There is still another contractor that I have no idea how we are gonna come out the $ with to pay him - the one doing our cabinets and wardrobe. Yeah I know, I did mention this in one of my previous entry but this is too big an issue to ignore. Just can't put it outta my brain once I rant about it. I just don't like the idea that I am wrking for nothing... especially this job tends to piss mi off occasionally. Like just a few min ago, I am supposed to do IT support? Gahhh why the fuck do I have to do everything? All the menial jobs. Sending out indemnity letters, forwarding mails, liasing with sponsors, administrative work, accounts... and now IT? I was supposed to help someone set up her Outlook Express account on another PC. Aaargghhh if that ain't annoying enuff, boss has to stand around and contradict whatever I do while I am doing it by trial & error. Eventually... my method was right. Gawd I hate this. The phones just don't stop ringing, and Ben has to call mi @ this time as well... to tell mi that he'll be back later than expected coz itz raining at his workplace & poor tofu-boy doesn't wanna go out in the rain. Fine... whatever. I just wanna get off wrk, go home and have dinner!!~!

Shady self-destructed @ 18:18

Somehow I managed to scrape thru' the mess yesterday *phew* Managed to get 3/4 of outstanding paperwork done & managed to confirm the cars for today and tml's filming. Which means... I should be able to take it slightly easier today... work like a snail again - since there ain't much "urgent matters". Of coz I'll clear the rest of the paperwork =) Will just take a break from the cars today and start searching again tml... to clear the following week's car requisitions. Heh guess I am starting to become hardworking. Well what to do? I ain't the kinda person who likes last minute stuff bothering me.

Anyway, went to watch "Initial D" last nite @ GV Plaza with Ben (amazingly he suggested that I book the tix coz his overtime ends early yesterday - though I still refuse to believe that he has to work late that many days & this incident doesn't soften my resolve to get a divorce) and I shall say... ppl who have watched the anime should just stay away frm this one. Itz okay for ppl who have not watched the anime. Hmmm what should I say? Casting is fucked up. The storyline is warped - so different frm that in the anime. I think it just kills the anime totally -.-" Perhaps I would do a review on this one... heh... 1st entry into my movie blog huh? Hmm I wonder when will I actually get down to it.

As for Ben. I say, screw him. He wants to go over to Jelapang tonite to sand the walls and paint the sealer with his friend, go ahead. This time I ain't going. Am gonna take the r&r I deserve, at home. Plus there is RAW on tele tonite, don't wanna miss it. I wonder if I should just take the plunge and tell him that I'm gonna seek a divorce, so he can stop wasting time working on the flat... or should I just let him go ahead with it, complete everything, feel so satisfied... then find out that he can't keep the flat coz of a divorce? Thatz being totally evil but hmm... I will feel no remorse. In fact I would like to see the look on his face when he finds out that I have given up on him and that everything I do frm last nite onwards is just an act put up to humour him.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:36

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

I can't believe it. Now my fate lies in the hand of 1 person - the car sponsor. Asked mi to call him back at 1800hrs to confirm the cars he'll be sponsoring to us. Great. I am schedule to go home at 1830hrs (still have some photos to print for the company) and if he tells mi at that time that he has no cars for tml's filming, I am in real deep shite. What he told mi over the fone earlier is, have, no problem... just that he dunno what color/make the car is. Hmm and I need those cars for conti scenes. Thatz just perfect isn't it? Am the most worried about conti cars... what if the car is sold off the nxt time I want it? *sigh* I'll leave that problem to settle when it happens I suppose. For now, I gotta keep my fingers & toes crossed that he would gimme a positive response at 1800hrs when I call him. If not, I gotta stay back in office till I get something for them tml. Which is what I am trying to avoid. Took my pills earlier and am now ultra drowsy... think I can fall asleep anytime. Hopefully boss doesn't come in today. At this time, itz a low possibility that he will. Well... at least I'll be able to get most of the paperwrk done today - leave the rest for tml. Procrastinate as much as I can now. Am under too much mental stress to overwork myself @ my wrkplace. Think I'll just take a nap now.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:29

One day medical leave = a mountain of stuff on my desk waiting for me to clear & last min car requisitions to fulfil. Itz coming to 3pm now... have yet to clear my paperwork and I still have 2 cars that I yet to find - for tml & Thurs. *sigh* This really makes mi wish that I had came in yesterday despite being sick. Not that I had alot of rest yesterday (not to mention + mental trauma)... credit given to Mr. Ben *as usual* He got home so late last nite that I didn't have energy left to discuss anything with him. By the time he opened the door, I was alredi happily working on the cross-stitch and heavily dosed with medicine. He and his "meeting with boss" apparently dragged on till 1930hrs - when he said he'll be leaving office ard 1800hrs. Out doing his own thing again I suppose, dinner with his gay partner... whatever. What he does outside doesn't really affect me much anymore. Am too numb to even care, and frankly, I no longer expects him to be home after work. If he is, that will only mean that his friend has cancelled plans for the evening, leaving him with nothing to do.

Financially-wise, I don't have the strength to keep track anymore. He can spend whatever he likes on whatever he wants. Go for a massage or look for a prostitute for all I care. I am splitting the join-account end of this mth... and after talking to my parents last nite... I've decided, I will go ahead with a divorce. Betta pull out now, when I still can, and cut my losses... before more $ is poured into the flat. From my dad's point of view, the r/s is pointless. Ben doesn't care about my well-being. I am always last on his priority list. So whatz the point in being together since I am suffering? Dad suggested that we meet up with Ben's parents and have a chat regarding this matter. I think otherwise. Am just gonna go ahead, contact the lawyers and send him a lawyer letter - direct. Think, at this point of time, nothing else can be said and itz apparent that things will not work out no matter what. Nothing can salavage this mess alredi - might as well let it burn up totally? Easy to say huh? I foresee alot of emotional turmoil after I get this done. I know I'll miss him once he's outta my life. But I guess thatz the best for the both of us. Without him, I'll be miserable... for a year... two... I dunno, till I get over everything. With him, I'll be miserable forever... as he will never change. The difficult path is still the most logical way to take. At least after itz done, I'll have a chance at a fresh start in life. Granted that it'll take time for wounds to heal... well at least itz betta than aggravting the wounds and adding fresh ones daily. I know I'll live thru' this.

Itz just a shame though - that everything is almost done... that we are finally being able to move in soon enuff. The move will never come once the lawyer letter is sent. Too bad that after coming so far, am gonna discontinue this. I've had enuff.

Shady self-destructed @ 15:06

Monday, June 27, 2005

Ben can go ahead, fuck off and die. Itz thanx to him that my sore throat is still on and I'm forced to take an MC today - that means tml will be a horrible day coz everything will be last minute once again *sigh* My life is difficult and I have only myself to blame - a rash decision I made. And now I am paying for it. Why the fuck did I agree to get rom with a person like Ben? I was sick since last Thurs, with a horrible throat & having fever on-and-off. Weekend, instead of letting mi rest, he drags mi down to Jelapang to do sandpapering of the walls & painting. Yes, he was the one who did most of the work and there were times that I just didn't care - lay down and sleep. He nags at me for that. Nvm. Sat nite, his friends came over to help him, his friend just commented that he was thirsty... what happened? Ben asks mi to walk all the way down to Greenridge to buy drinks for them. What now? I've become his maid? That was like 2am. The neighbourhood is a quiet one and Greenridge ain't too nearby. Initially I didn't want to, then Ben gave mi attitude again. Once again, to please him... I had to go. The painting went on till very late... and then he chit chatted with his friend till ard 5am. Fine. Sun we had to go down for filming. After that, he came back, had a short nap and broke his promise... of taking mi to eat Bak kut teh. Somehow I still managed to swallow it. Sun I met this girl and bought a cross-stitch frm her @ $2. Ben made noise about it. That was the last straw really.

I dunno what is wrong with his brain, am extremely disatisfied with the way he is spending stuff. It seems now like he can spend, I can't. My cross stitch only costs $2. His handfone downloads, at least 25 times more. I worked for my $... why can't I spend it? He also complains that I buy magazines all the time. For gawd's sake. 1 magazine is just $5. 1 issue per mth. How is that comparable to the amount he spends? Just a while ago, he called mi, ask mi if he should buy a card reader for his handfone @ $15. I wish I can just slap him. I told him, up to him... then he's like stewing over the matter again - telling mi that if he doesn't want my opinion, he wouldn't ask. Well... what did he think I would say? Yes? Go ahead. Fine... since thatz what he wants to hear, I told him. Once again, he sulks and becomes all so grumpy... then he just wants to put down the fone - excuse, he driving. Fuck lahx !!~! When he doesn't want to talk, he's always driving... when he has something he wants mi to do, the "driving" never even affects the fone conversations. He calls mi only when he needs something. I fucking hate him. Every single thing has to be done his way. He spends $ on things he wants... how about things I want? Huh? I work. At the end of the day I can't spend the $... he is spending my share. What the hell is going on? Can someone tell mi?

Ben is pushing mi over the limit manx. I am sick, not only he doesn't show concern, he expects mi to do things according to the way he wants. He is using my hard-earned $ and I am terribly unhappy over it. He is forcing mi to put my plan into action. If his nxt mth's handfone bill goes over $100, I'm splitting the accounts. He can spend his pay, I can spend mine. No questions asked. I just think itz too much when he complains over what I'm buying when itz just a menail amount compared to his. I need my own life. One without him.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:23

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Itz a Sat morning... itz 0925hrs according to the time at the left hand corner of the screen and I am awake. *sigh* When Ben left for work earlier, I fully intended to go back to sleep but what happened? He couldn't find his bike key, and woke mi up... asking mi to look for it. Gah!!~! I really hope the bike key ain't lost coz we do need the bike tml for filming. Wonder where he dumped it. He has this sickening habit of putting things on his hand into his helmet and forgets about it... when he places the helmet somewhere or wadever, the things will just fall out. That was how he lost his handfone in the 1st place -.-" Can't believe that huh? Neither could I actually, but seeing is believing. So nearly dropped his entire bunch of keys last nite as well. I just hope that the key is somewhere in my room and that I failed to see it... if not, we are in deep trouble. Dunno what bike to bring down tml siahx ~ the best alternative is bring mine down instead... but if I use mine, the actor will be able to ride anyway, so hmm... there goes our $80. Arrgghhh I just hope no fella picked up his key and then rides his bike away. Bad days are here to come if that happens. Gawd, why is Ben so careless? I wonder what time his overtime will drag to tonite... just hope it ain't too late so we can get something done in the house. Did a significant amount last nite. Hmm... am looking forward to spending the nite there later. Now am just wondering... should I try going back to sleep?

Shady self-destructed @ 09:30

Friday, June 24, 2005

Seriously TGIF. I am sick. Again. I just seem to fall ill so often lately huh? Think I'd betta do something to maintain my health... getting sick at an average of once per mth is not that ideal. Am having a sore throat that really sets mi into an irritatable mood. Plus I believe I have a slight fever - am feeling cold, and my skin is pretty sensitive... typical symptoms when I am running a temperature. *sigh* I am just thankful that itz Friday and that the weekend is here - I'll be able to get some well-deserved rest (I hope). Ben is planning to stay overnite @ Jelapang this weekend. I just hope my body gets well during that period of time... one entire day in bed sounds super to me rite now. Itz just too bad that I can't afford to take an MC these dayz. I dun wanna give the impression of me being a sick bird to the company - plus there are things to settle everday @ work. 1 day MC = another day's hell. I just installed acRO's client this morning, b4 I came to work (late). Left my com on the entire nite to download it and to my disappointment, it doesn't work somehow -.-" Gave me this error that Windows is unable to find the file/path/directory... blah blah then said perhaps I don't have authorisation to view that file. If I don't, who does? I'm using the only administrator account in my com. Ah well... will wait till I get home to settle it I suppose. Ben is suggesting that we stay overnite @ Jelapang tonite as well... I hope I'll be able to convince him not to - I think I need sleep at home... plus my library books are due tml. Arggghhh am feeling damn cold & snoozy rite now... maybe I'll just allow myself to take a short nap b4 I start to jio ppl out for lunch.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:36

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Overtime overtime overtime... everytime overtime. It happened again last nite - supposed to go down to Jelapang after wrk to do some plastering of the walls and he called last min to inform that he'll have overtime till late in the nite. Late it was. He came back around 2300hrs... only to watch a little of RAW and then drop off to sleep -.-" Seems like he spends more of his awake hours at "overtime" than with me. When he is at home with me, he'll be sleeping 9/10 of the time. Where is the logic in this? If this ain't neglect, what is this? Again last nite he told mi that he'll be required to go to ship tonite, but today morning he asked mi to bring my clothes & stuff along so after wrk we can go down the Jelapang to work on the house. Itz like wtf... u asking mi to do this when u say u have ship? What are u taking mi as? A spare tyre? And I thought ship schedules are confirmed? So how can he say that there "might" be a ship coming in? Wouldn't a company know a few dayz b4hand so that they'll have ample time to prepare the delivery? This is just plain ridiculous. Last nite when he was at ot, I called his company a few times and no one picked up the phone. Hmm... now what? ppl doing overtime ain't bothered to answer calls? Once again I can't help but have this suspicion that he is up to something. Even today morning, he left for wrk ultimately early - and his phone was ringing non-stop. Asked him about it but he said that itz coz he had to be at wrk 0830hrs sharp. I called him when I woke up... 0845 and he didn't seem busy. Yeah it might be just my paranoid mind, but frankly, I ain't the only one who is thinking that Ben's not exactly telling the truth.

Last nite my mom kept adding fuel to fire as well... when Ben ain't around and I had to take dinner alone. She kept telling mi that this r/s ain't gonna go well - at the rate Ben is spending and the effort he is putting into it all. From mom's point of view, Ben is just treating mi like a companion... the spare-tyre kind... someone who keeps him company when he has no other plans. She says that itz apparent that he doesn't care much about me and brought up the incident of the missed abortion once again. *sigh* that is gonna be a huge tear in the fabric manx. Everytime I think about the incident, I get pissed. It just reflects his irresponsiblity and unwillingness to commit. Hell, he didn't even take care of mi during that time !!~! He just went ahead with his own life, doing overtime... etc. I really wonder... the marriage vows he took, does he even knew what they are about? I have this sick feeling that if one day, I am to be really sick or handicapped *touch wood*, he will just leave mi to decompose on my own... and get on with everyday life. I just don't think he loves me at all.

Like I was telling an old friend last nite, thru SMSes, I want out of this marriage but itz the financial implications tat are holding me back. I wanna be sure that I get to keep the flat if the marriage goes bust. Coz, like I mentioned in previous blog entries, I have this inkling that all Ben wants in this marriage is the flat - it doesn't matter who he gets married with... I just happened to be there for him to propose to. I will not let him get what he wants. If this marriage is going to hell, then he can jolly well go to hell with it. I've alredi asked my mom to help mi seek advice from lawyers... etc. I still have the lawyer contacts that friends of mine have given me. I am just hesitating now coz I am quite unwilling to let all this go up in flames. But if it has to burn... then so be it. I will ensure that he'll be the one walking away with the most damages. Call mi vengeful or whatever... I don't care. I just don't wanna see him get what he wants at the end of the day, at my expense.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:30

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

I so nearly didn't manage to make it to wrk today - credit given to a taxi driver. Itz a shame that I didn't manage to take down the cab number, as I wasn't in a proper position to do so. What happened? I was travelling straight, along middle road towards Bugis (intending to make a right turn after Bugis junction onto Victoria street). Then this cab was travelling along middle road, the other direction, making a right turn into North Bridge Road. The light was green. I was moving straight... and as I crossed the junction, the cab just turned w/o regard to me. Itz like what the fuck?! Green light on my part ookie !!~! Cab driver should be waiting for his fucking green arrow. I jammed my brakes, the bike fish-tailed but thankfully I still managed to avoid colliding with the cab. This is the dunno-what time that I nearly got into an accident due to the recklessness of a cab driver and am getting damn pissed off. If there was a collision, I'm sure the passengers in the cab would bear witness to everything. Farking asshole. I just hope that there are better laws in Singapore regarding such matters - that a driver gets penalised if he/she is the one at fault in an accident. Currently? No such law... just that the person at fault's car insurance company will pay for all damages. Ain't that letting the guilty person go scott-free? Such ppl should face a suspension of their license and if the accident is serious... spend time behind bars & banned from driving for life. I believe, only with such consequences, that ppl would be afraid and think b4 they do something stupid & get another person in trouble.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:56

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The initial anger felt earlier today hath raged itself out somehow. Think it was coz I had quite a good lunch of pork chops /gg Hmm... there's this saying that goes somewhat on the lines of music soothes even the most savage beast. I reckon food is a better alternative. lolx. At least, with a tummy that ain't rumbling, the mind is able to settle down a little. A ciggie after food helps too. Well, I have the intention of quitting smoking... but I wouldn't do it if Ben doesn't do it. Not that I am quitting for his sake. I just think it ain't fair for mi to quit, hoping to save some moolah while he smokes my share away. I just hope that he'll be able to cut down at least. 1 pkt a day is tearing a huge hole in the pocket, and thatz the rate he's going. Or should I say... at least 1 pkt per day. I'm doing like 1 pkt 2-3 dayz (depending if itz Texas Ice or Marlboro Menthol/Reds). He did mention once that he'll start to cut down... but itz all just talk and no action. I wonder when will it be when he actually quits. An additional $450 per mth unspent will be a slight boost to our financial situation. At least we'll be able to spend the amount elsewhere. Anyway I guess he's finally realising the seriousness of our financial situation - he mentioned about it last nite, after discussions with the contractor. The only thing is, he doesn't seem to wanna do anything about it. Yeah, take 1 step at a time, I know, but err... at least start to make some sacrifices 1st? He said the reason for him wrking so much ot is to try get more $, so we can pay-off the contractors at the end of the mth. *sigh* I just hope what he said is true (that he's really wrking and his pay will be reflective of all the hours)... though I frankly have no idea how are we gonna pay them off. We should be able to settle the one doing general house reno but not the cabinets and wardrobe. So said... we might have to move in w/o furniture as we gotta push that to the nxt mth. Guess I should start working on the cross stitch & finish it soon... an additional $288 ain't much but at least it would be something. I wonder if I should take up a part-time job at nite too... but I think that will definitely kill me.

Anyway, in the bus no. 80 this morn, I was watching TV Mobile and there were a few movie trailers on screen. I suddenly had this kick to go create another blog - a movie blog, reviewing the movies that I've watched. Well... not that many ppl are gonna read it, but it'll just help mi prevent whatever writing skills I have frm decomposing away in everyday life. Actual intention was to step into the office and then work on the blog, but since I have work pending... guess that intention can be pushed to another day. I doubt I'll have the chance to respond to emails today as well. Hmm... back to work now. The sooner I get things done, the better.

Shady self-destructed @ 15:54

Once again another day at work. Tues. Mon just went past... coz it was a busy day with last min stuff to handle. A part-time artiste who was scheduled for filming today morning 0700hrs called around noon yesterday and said that she was ill, and wouldn't be turning up. So leaves mi the task of contacting another part-time artiste to take her place for the role of a kindergarten teacher. Went thru' the entire file of artistes and finally managed to find 1 after much trouble. *sigh* I wonder whatz gonna happen if I don't manage to find one siahx ~ I just don't understand why everything is done at such a last-minute basis. Even for today. There are casting calls... for audtions tml, that I have to match artistes from our management with. And there are another 2 roles to fill tml that I gotta call ppl to ask if they are free. This is really sickening. Seriously, who the hell is gonna be free if u call them with so little time allowance? The assistant directors aren't really that efficient manx. Not to mention, everything is so goddamned disorganised that alot of time & energy is wasted merely searching for a documents/files/faxes... even their computer shared server is filled with stupid folders with documents not properly named... etc. Things are pushed to me with instructions so brief that itz better not to have any instructions at all to begin with. An example will be the part-timers and extras agreements... I am supposed to key in the data into the computer and I have no idea how exactly am I supposed to do it. Am just gonna do it my way. Frankly I have reached the point whereby I don't give a shit how the previous girl does it. Am doing it the way I am comfortable with. But wtf should I do with the invoices?! And when ppl calls mi and asks mi stuff... procedures... how the fuck am I supposed to know when no one actually did bring up that topic before? *sigh* Alot of getting back to be done. This sux. Really. I am here for almost 1 mth alredi... and am still wondering, why is no proper guidance given? Asking colleagues is one thing - but there's only a certain extent that they can help me with as everything is handled by the previous girl !!~! Even the boss asks mi to refer to past documents and do it the same way. I feel like just burning down this whole place.

Came to wrk by bus today morning. Didn't really feel like waking up. The weather was cool, slightly raining... perfect for a snooze in bed till late morning. I took an additional 10min snooze and was kinda late coming into the office. Aarghhh seriously I don't care liaox. I was expecting an easy day @ work today but no... the minute I stepped in I was told that there was a phone call for me. Apparently an audition scheduled for today was cancelled and I was left with 2hrs to contact the artiste whom I planned to send down. Zzz. And the phone just wouldn't stop ringing... asking mi about stuff that I DO NOT know !!~! On the stress factor, this job is like 9/10 - alot of the stress can actually be relieved if things were managed properly. The talent management part is the most fucked up of all. The talents' contact files haven't been updated since 2003, am unable to contact some of the talents ppl request for. Some talents have alredi left and I have no fucking idea who is who as some of the pictures are not named!!~! I feel like smacking someone rite now. There are alot of things that have to be restructed... etc. and I have no fucking idea how the fuck am I supposed to do it. The previous girl is a total fuck-up & irresponsible turd. What kinda artiste manager doesn't update the files for 2 years?!

I am too pissed to blog further.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:49

Saturday, June 18, 2005

*sigh* Refer to yesterday's blog entry... the one at 13:40. I mentioned something about Ben ruining plans for Saturday. He just did it again. Telling mi last nite that there's alot of jobs to be done today... and I have to go down and view the wardrobe by myself, and that we'll be meeting Zen later tonite. We didn't meet him yesterday, due to screw up on Zen's part - when he finally called it was in the middle of the nite. I wonder why Ben doesn't like to confirm anything... everything is done ad-hoc. Itz as if I have nothing betta to do and that I don't need to make plans... plus it just seems as if my time is for him to waste. This should not be the case. Felt ultiamtely stressed up at wrk yesterday and when I came home, it ain't better. This is toxic. If I knew this gonna happen, I would have agreed when Malao asked mi to watch Batman later tonite. I could have made it... even if Ben couldn't. It doesn't matter if he goes or not anyway, he doesn't seem keen on the movie. I tried asking that since he made mi miss out on the movie with mi friends, if he would watch it with mi on Sunday. Guess what he said? He might have a ship coming in tml, in the evening. Which means... no. Thanx alot Ben. Really... thanx for fucking up my social life and I wish I knew what goes on in ur brain !!~! What does he gain by keeping mi at home and yet he goes on doing stuff on his own? I don't think he'll be wrking tml. He'll be meeting gawd-knows-who and come home late in the nite again. I hate him.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:39

Friday, June 17, 2005

This job sux manx... really. Everything is so last minute & I have no idea what time can I get off wrk today - that is provided if I managed to find a fucking white car, sponsored. Initially thought that everything is settled ~ I got the other "more difficult" car from sponsor B, and sponsor A said that there'll be no problem with the white one. This contact was made more than a week ago... itz only today that I'm confirming the pick up time with them coz shooting is on Sunday. Then guess what? At the last min, sponsor A told mi that the white car is actually a rental car and that we gotta pay $80 for it - why can't he let mi know about that a week ago when I 1st contacted him? Naturally my director refused to pay for it. So now I am left with the task of finding a white car for Sunday's shoot. Great. I tried sponsor C. They have a white car, but itz off-road, we need a tow truck for that. So outta the question. Sponsor D is having a meeting and asked mi to call him back after 1800hrs. Fine. Sponsor E ain't in the office, left a message with the staff and he said he'll call back - what time, I know not. The problem here is... what if both Sponsors D & E don't have white cars for this Sunday? How am I supposed to call car companies up at the last min requesting for white cars? These sponsors are actually frm contacts left to me, they collaborated with MediaCorp b4. Initial contact has to be made quite sometime ago, and I have no fucking idea how to get it done by tonite. I am pretty unwilling to come back to wrk tml, but doesn't seem like I have a choice if I don't manage it by tonite. I just gotta keep my fingers crossed and hope that Sponsor D can come up with a white car for the filming. If not... then Sponsor E betta call back. I am so dead if there is no white car for Sunday. There has to be one... no choice at all. This is so fucked up, really.

Then there is another concern. An ambulance. Fully-equipped. To be used for filming on the 25th - this one still has some time to settle so I am not that bothered rite now... but so far, the organisations tat I've approached have all declined the request. Am worried that I wouldn't be able to find one at the end of the day. *sigh* Phew... okay, nvm, as I was typing this, I received an email frm Heng-Gref Worldwide Emergency. Itz a positive response. At least one matter off my brain. Think I'm gonna get alot of white hairs at the end of this project.

Am seriously starting to think that I should have accepted another job, or should have at least asked for a higher starting pay. 1.5k ain't worth all this trouble -.-" Especially that I don't get paid ot. Itz a flat mthly rate, and my standard wrking hours are 1000 - 1830. Quite short if I don't have to do anything else... but only after I joined the company then I was informed that I gotta go down to MediaCorp to bring production tapes over like 2 dayz per week. That is to be done b4 wrk. Of course, I'll be able to claim mileage. But what about ot? Then for dayz like this... when I gotta stay back to ensure that things are settled. How? Initially I thought that there won't be so much overtime involved... but apparently I was wrong. Zzz. Even last nite I so nearly was made to go back to the office in the nite coz the AP forgot to draw his weapons (props). The cupboard was locked and the key with me. Thankfully they sent the company's driver down to collect the key frm my house. Inconvienient as it disrupted my viewing of Smackdown, and I had to ensure that I made it home by 10pm.

If that ain't enuff to take mi to "frustration level", in comes Ben with an unexpected phone call. Ben just called mi and said that he'll be meeting the contractor at Jelapang after wrk... so I might not even make it down. Great. Plans on his part are fucked too. Meeting contractor this early... then after that we'll go wherever we want and then wait for Zen, who books out pretty late ate nite, to go up to the house again. Imagine if after meeting the contractor we go back home to Bugis? Then we gotta travel down to Jelapang a 2nd time for Zen's sake. And Zen doesn't have transport... so I have this inkling feeling that we gotta go down to Hougang to pick him up b4 going down. Itz like all round tha country. Can't anything be done w/o trouble? Travelling up and down is the last thing I wanna do today. I am tired after a week's wrk and I just wanna go home, stay home and not move. Also I don't understand why is it so impt that Zen has to go view the house today. I am not saying that I dun like the idea of him coming up, the idea I don't like is him coming up today. We are meeting his dad tml regarding the wardrobe, so why can't he go along that day since we are gonna go up to the house after that - itz on the way anyway so there wouldn't be much time wasted, would it? Gosh... Ben is such a 'great' planner. He just loves to come up with things the last min. He even asked mi to go down to his wrk place after wrk, then to Jelapang together. Kinda stupid, dun u think? I can easily go down to Jelapang frm where I am... PIE --> BKE --> Bt. Panjang. Rather than Geylang --> Bugis --> AYE --> Pandan Rd --> AYE --> Bt. Batok --> Bt. Panjang. Get the picture? Plus there is RAW tonite.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:47

Phew... the end of a work week is nearing - itz gonna be the weekend once again. I wonder how will this one pass. *sigh* All I know is later tonite there are plans gg down to the new house, meeting up with Zen... been 2 weeks since he got enlisted, I wonder how he looks like now. Malao jioed mi to watch "Batman Begins" tml, but I can't make it =( Gotta go down to view wardrobe and then to the new house after Ben finishes wrk tml, wouldn't be free till 9+ I suppose. Arrgghhhh Ben just adores to mess up all my plans... I wonder if he's doing it intentionally as he doesn't seem keen to meet up with my friends in the 1st place. He can always ensure that we'll be free for his friends, why can't he do the same for mine? Itz not as if I meet my friends on a weekly basis (unlike him who is always meeting up on the weekend & dragging mi along for some activity that I don't agree with - either it's boring or pocket draining), I haven't gone out with them since the Star Wars movie... which was I can't remember when exactly. Blah... all my dayz hath fused together. Now I wonder who is gonna watch that movie with mi -.-" Just hopefully Ben doesn't come up with some last min "overtime", ruining everything for Sat... we'll end up not going to the house and not watching the movie. The thought blows. Perhaps I should drag Ben for the movie on Sunday & then to Marina south for steamboat BBQ - itz been long time since I ate anything besides hawker fare, coffee shop food, home-cooking & fast food... *sigh* I don't even know if he would agree to go, he might just say that he's tired... like every other time. My movie watching hath slackened as well... the last one I've caught was "Madagascar", can u imagine that? The me from the past would have at least watched "Mr and Mrs Smith" alredi - perhaps I gotta end up downloading that... if I can figure out how to make my BitLord or BitTornado work. Such is the deprivation of my life ~

I am so sleepy. Itz 1336hrs and I wonder y hasn't any of my colleagues asked anyone to go for lunch. Am starting to get hungry too. Just hopefully, after the break, I'll be able to sort out all the bits & pieces so I wouldn't be worried that I left wrk undone during the weekend. Weird, since when was I ever bothered about work - except being bothered that itz yet another work day, and being bothered when I don't get enuff rest for the nxt? This is so unlike ShaDy. lol. Guess ppl do change in time... (just that a small number don't, unfortunately)

Shady self-destructed @ 13:40

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

/omg since when is curry chicken cooked with garlic?! I hate garlic... ruins my tastebuds... but my packed lunch is filled with it. Plus the curry is too spicy for my liking. Goodness... can't help but think that I made a wrong choice with this ~ thankfully it ain't too huge a decision. At least I have coconut juice to drink. I wanna go home....

Shady self-destructed @ 14:01

What a day ~ what weather. Rain. Rain. Rain. Early in the morning when I woke up to go for wrk. I ended up 15 min late coz I didn't wanna leave the house when it was still ultra heavy... left when it became slightly lighter but I still got myself wet. The only consolation is... I was wearing a water proof jacket & 3/4 pants... so nothing except my shoes are damnp now. The jacket is drying off. *mumbles* Why doesn't it rain on the days that I can sleep in? Why does it choose to rain when everyone is going to wrk? Nature is really Life's accomplice in making things suck big time. Needless to say, I didn't have the mood for wrk... and was really tempted in making use of an annual leave day. But, decided to save it up for better usage so I came anyway. Besides, there are things that I need to get done today... coz filming starts tml. I just hope big boss doesn't come back frm Shanghai that soon. As filming starts... half of the office will be gone and I'll be left much alone with alot of time to do my own thing - that is only if boss doesn't return that soon. Am super tempted to download RO to game here... but that'll just be too obvious =P Ziddy introed mi a new server yesterday, have yet to download it... maybe I should do so when I go home. I need to start gaming again.

Last nite was bad. Ben called mi when I finished wrk, saying that he has a ship to go at 6pm and that he'll come home pretty late. I didn't expect that "pretty late" meant 5:30am!!~! At 9+ I called him and he said that the ship hath not arrived. 12+, he just boarded the boat. I got so pissed that I decided to try get to sleep. Needless to say, I didn't really succeed. Only managed to doze around 2+. Finally at 0309hrs, he SMSed mi saying that his job is done and that he'll be coming back. I went back to sleep again... and somehow I woke up again at 0430am. Still no Ben. I called him on his moblie once again and guess what? He said he just reached Pasir Panjang Shipyard and will start on his way home. I was so pissed that I couldn't get back to sleep after that... till he returned. When he came back, spent 1hr trying to tally the day's accounts. All was fine, I thought... perhaps finally I can get a proper snooze till I wake for wrk. At 0700hrs, his fucking alarm rang. He set it so he could SMS his supervisor that he'll be in late today. I woke up... tried to wake him up, he didn't. My sleep was unecessarily disturbed again. Nevermind... that ain't the end. At almost 8am he woke mi up suddenly with poking and proding... then he mumbles shite with his eyes wide open - said something about "noot" and photos, music in his handfone. Then at 8+ he tossed and turned and banged into mi... ruining my sleep yet again. I finally dragged myself up at 0915am when my alarm rang and I had to go get ready for work. Then I noticed the rain. What a "great" beginning to a day ~

If all that ain't enuff to really screw up my day... I went to open his wallet this morning, just outta curiosity - was waiting for the rain to lighten up anyway. Hey presto!!~! Know what I found? Hidden in the zipped compartment of his wallet was more than SG$70. I asked him where he got the $, the sleepily told mi that it ain't his but he refused to elaborate. My greatest suspicion is that he has income that he ain't delcaring into the family accounts and that he's spending it on his "overtime" activities. It just makes mi disgusted, thinking of all the possiblities... of all the stuff that will involve such spending... I know I should be slightly more trusting, more undestanding... but can someone tell mi, how am I supposed to bring myself to trust such a person? Nothing he hath done so far improves his credibility. True, he stopped wrking at Paradigm like he said... but itz probably due to his friends - he simply wants to go out with them on the weekends, and he does, every single week. At times I really can't help making sarcastic remarks to him. I know it pisses him off but I just can't keep all that bottled up. Credit to him though, that I've never managed to catch any incriminating evidence of anything he's been up to. He's definitely up to something. The question is "what" and "why"?

*sigh* Now I wonder how am I gonna make thru the rest of the day. The weather is making mi drowsy... coupled with the horrible nite I had, I really feel like curling up to dreamland... with or w/o Ben - I am so tired now that I can sleep anyway. He promised that he'll call when he wakes up. I say he wouldn't. Anyone wants to bet on that? Lette mi throw in an additional bet... he'll have ot again tonite but it wouldn't be too late coz he wants to watch RAW - but if his "activities" are more intersting than that... then he wouldn't be home till the wee hours again. I am so sick of this. I can't imagine the next few mths ahead. Everytime he pulls off a stunt like this, I can't sleep, and I suffer the nxt day. Should I be calling the lawyer? Coz this is absolutely not the way I wanna spend the rest of my dayz. I want my life free of disruptions & frustrations. Impossible I know, but at least not so often? Life is alredi fucked. Someone like Ben just makse it worse... much worse. Why do I even continue to hope that he'll change?

Shady self-destructed @ 10:49

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Tuesday. The 2nd day of the week. *sigh* Time is really really crawling. It feels as if I've been here for hours but itz only 10:31am. 8 more hrs to go. I really really hope that Ben doesn't have "ot" tonite so we can go ahead and get my bike fixed -.-" The security guard here is being a pain in the ass alredi... keep talking and talking... and saying that if he has the tools he'll fix it for mi. No thanx manx, seriously. I can't put my bike in the hands of ppl I dun trust!!~! Not that I trust those fools @ the bike shop... but itz betta than putting it with a security guard who might damage my poor bike even further. Gahhh why must such a thing happen outta the blue? I wonder why is my engine oil leaking... the last person who rode my bike was Ben. And he claimed that it was still okay when he was riding it. Apparently the engine oil just started leaking by itself when I left the bike in the carpark for 4-5 dayz. How is that possible? It just doesn't sound very logical does it? That something will get damaged by itself w/o usage.

Anyway Ben is being an irresponsible turd again. Yesterday 4+ called mi tell mi that he'll be doing ot till ard 3am. By 8+ he called and say ot finish, then he came home. More likely he was planning a nite out to some place and his friends cancelled the last min. And tonite? Another not-confirmed. Yeah perhaps I should be more understanding regarding his job, but I just don't believe that he's wrking - no thanx to the lies he spoke before. Home accounts aren't balancing up as well... which adds the suspicion that he's not exactly doing what he says he is. How can a person spend $15+ on breakfast and lunch at hawkers and coffee shops, compared to the $5+ he used to? His spendings have doubled + his timing hath become more rubberband-like. Plus the bank balance is always showing a shortage and he claims that he didn't spend on anything ~ arghhh itz just pissing mi off... that he has "ot" when he has plans with mi and when he has plans with his friends, his "ot" amazingly disappears and he finishes wrk on the dot. Granted that he ain't the kind of person who likes to stay home - he said it himself, but is there a need for fibs? Not to mention, he's going to wrk earlier in the mornings as well - he starts wrk at 8:30am but he leaves the house way before 7:30am... he used to leave around 8:15am. All these "coincidences" make mi suspect that he's actually meeting someone for breakfast, lunch & dinner. Who might that person be? Your guess is as good as mine. I have absolutely nfi.

According to him, nxt mth would be worse. He'll be wrking more irregular hours than before. Due to the suspension of his driving license, his supervisor will be transfering him to become a boarding officer during the nxt mth. He claims that itz just for the nxt mth, till he gets back his license, he'll go back to being a mere driver. *sigh* Ben's words (paraphrased) - a boarding officer is required to go to ships even late in the nite, till the nxt morning. Timing will be super ad-hoc and there'll be no way to contact him on board. Zzz. Somehow that doesn't sound very appealing. I'd rather he take a mth's unpaid leave and work on the house, even if it means lowering our financial means. At least, with him wrking on the house, certain renovation spendings can be cut and well, he should do a good job since itz his home as well. Well... but I don't have a choice in all this anyway ~ he always does what he wants to do w/o regard for anyone else. So I just predict that nxt mth, there'll be alot of nights alone in the home... so I'd betta get the bit torrents working by then. Download a few more games, and perhaps get on IRC and meet a few new friends. No point moping @ home waiting for someone who doesn't seem to be bothered about how I might feel when am home alone all the time. There are really times when I've considered, having an affair just to spite him... just that I can't bring myself to do it and I don't even know if it'll have the desired effect on him - he'll prolly just pack up and leave instead of learning to not take mi for granted.

My blog entries seem to be ultra long lately and everything seems to be about negative stuff. *sigh* I don't even have energy left to think about more philosophical things anymore. At this rate I guess my brain cells will just disintegrate and I'll lose my mind. Not to mention, there'll be depression... which I reckon, I'm alredi suffering from. Perhaps I need a shrink. Or perhaps all I need is a new life, a new home, a new beginning with a new guy.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:17

Monday, June 13, 2005

There's something really negative about Monday - it drags a person's mood down. The weather, the slow passing of time, and even the ppl whom u interact with. Gahh !!~! Just earlier, some dumb gal frm dunno where called and asked about an unpaid invoice regarding an event filming... she kept asking mi to check with Philippa and she had this impatient tone in her voice. Frankly, I think she had the wrong number. There is no Philippa here and even after checking with my colleagues, no one knew anything about it. There was no event filming and there was no such person. Gah... when I told that girl, Enuisa I think her name was, she was like fine okay, thanx. I just felt like slapping her over the face. I hope she walks into a drain later and twists her ankle or something... perhaps she can stub her toe. Bloody bitch. She might be having a bad day but why does she have to ruin mine? As if mine ain't alredi bad enuff w/o having sufficient rest over the weekends & having things that I'm still trying to figure out what to do -.-" Job ain't getting better either. I just found out that on certain days, I'm supposed to come into the office super early... ard 8am, just to open the door for the camera crew to take their equipment. That'll include Sat & Sun as well. And on Mon & Thurs, I have to make a trip down to MediaCorp to take their beta tapes for them before I come to wrk at 10am. *sigh* Am still wondering how am I supposed to transport 15 tapes down with my bike. Taking public transport is outta the question. Anyway it all means that I'll have less sleep, have less hours doing my own stuff... etc. I dunno if the pay is worth all this trouble. Guess this is the negative side of being in a small company. There is really no perfect job.

The long-awaited weekend was over in a flash. Can't say that I had a great weekend. Something more of the opposite actually. Sat nite... when I was looking forward to just slacking at home, Ben asks mi to go KTV with his friends again. Yesh... the same ol' few, Eric, Jasmine, Jacky & Michelle. I don't understand why I even went. I hate to go out with them. There's something about them that I can't seem to gel with... and honestly, I can't be bothered to put in the effort. Itz always going out with his friends. My social life is pathetic to the core. At the ktv, it ain't great either. Ben just leaves mi alone while he trades porn over bluetooth with his "brothers". What is with that sudden porn obsession? As if I am not sore enuff that he bought such an expensive phone... he has to go around sending and receiving smut. Itz just plain disgusting. And I really hate it when he doesn't pay attention to me... when he neglects me when he's with his friends. This weekend is gonna be bad too. He's meeting Zen on Friday nite. Shitex man. Itz always either ot or his friends. Sunday was spent at the new house... with him mending the holes in the walls and me snoozing away. Not to mention, in between, there was alot of time wasted... waiting for ppl... etc. Why is this r/s so goddamned difficult?

Shady self-destructed @ 12:49

Friday, June 10, 2005

I wish I could be glad that certain things have seem to be settling down these few dayz, after that huge fight we had awhile ago. Things do seem to be settling down, but am afraid that if I start to get too comfortable and finally think that everything will be okay, Ben will pull yet another fast one and screw stuff up once again - like he used to do frequently in the past. Granted that the past is over & done with, but it does have significant impact on the way I am feeling and the stuff that I'm thinking rite now. I keep having this mentality that... if I allow myself to look on the bright side, to think that we are finally working things out, something is gonna happen again and bring my mood down all the way back to square one... with increased resentment each time it happens. *sigh* I know this is a factor hampering whatever progress we are making (if we are), and whatever progress we are gonna make. Itz difficult putting past arguments behind, especially that they aren't totally resolved. Even when the arguments seemed "settled", I believe there are lingering feelings that neither of us are coming to the surface about. All those stuff will just build up only to explode in the future. Perhaps one day, when it becomes really necessary, we might have to see a counsellor about this - that is if both parties agree and if itz really worth it. Maybe itz just easier to let all these go to hell, but that'll be plain escaping frm reality, wouldn't it? And it would be quite a waste to let all our prior efforts go down the drain. Plus it'll definitely have alot of complications attached - financially, emotionally... etc. I don't think I have the energy now to deal with that.

I wish I could talk to him about this but I just can't seem to - the only thing I can do is blog about it... to allow myself to run my thoughts a little. This might seem unfair and if Ben ever finds out, it might just lead to yet another fight - with him walking out the door yet again. How much more strength do I have left to pull him back, I really don't know coz I'm really sick & tired of doing so every single time it happens. I just don't want to keep giving in and he keeps taking stuff for granted. I just wish I knew what makes him react this way and how to prevent such things frm happening too frequently. No marriage is perfect. All couples fight. I just don't want it to happen too often over trival matters. Gahh... I believe that at this point of time, neither of us are seeing the big picture and we react to matters just instinctively. But hell... I don't really know what steps to take to change things, that is if things can be changed. I ain't putting 100% fault on him... I know I bear parts of the mistake but I just wish that he wouldn't keep insisting that he did nothing wrong. It just pisses me off when he fails to emphatise with me and claims that I am making a big deal over everything ~ it just sux when I can't even look forward to the tentative plans we make for every weekend. I just have this nagging thought that the plans are gonna screw up somehow.

For example, tonite. I rode down to wrk today and the agreement was that I go down to Ben's wrkplace after I'm done, then we'll head down to Jelapang to take a look at the new flat together and then go back to his place for dinner & to watch the 9pm show. I wanna look forward to that, but I can't. I have this thought that plans are gonna be cancelled coz he has to wrk ot till late in the nite. I'll end up going back home alone, packing dinner and watching tele/working on my cross stitch projects till he returns. And tomorrow... we are supposed to go to the bank in the morn to settle some accounts and after he finishes wrk, we go take a walk in Defu's furniture mall. Yet somehow I just think he'll end up wrking ot till late in the night again and we'll cancel all plans -.-" I don't even know when is he gonna tell mi that he has to wrk on Sunday. He's done it before and it sux big time. According to him, he is obliged to do ot but hell... I thought the Singapore labour law states that every staff has the right to reject ot? Frankly... I don't even know for certain tat itz really ot that he's wrking. I understand thatz paranoia on my part, and am trying to surpress that feeling. But thoughts keep floating up and I can't seem to brush them away. I just hope that today is gonna be an uneventful day and everything goes to plan. I just don't like it when schedules get messed up. Itz a total loss of control... Zzz.

Work pressure is building up - or maybe I've just been slacking around too much for my own good... procrastinating stuff till now ~ but somehow I know, I'll work this aspect out w/o any major screw ups. yeah, kinda taking things for granted ehx? Pushing luck =P But I just don't feel motivated when things aren't pushed to the last min. I just have to cross my fingers, do things my way and hope no screw-ups occur. lolx *shrugx* Well, now itz time to push my thoughts aside and get some work done. Am just looking forward to the weekend when I can work on my cross stitches. ^-^ Itz just that I have so many projects in mind and 3 started haflway that I dunno what to do 1st. Gahh... more sorting out to be done.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:27

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Been reading a couple of articles regarding relationships & marriage on MSN Women since yesterday - basically they are real life stories of couples who hit a rut but managed to pull thru' after counselling... etc. I am starting to really wonder, if what mi & Ben needs is a mediator. In other words, a counsellor... someone who would take an unbiased view in arguements, someone who will be able to draw the problems out. Frankly, I don't even know what the problems are nowadayz. No, we did not have another fight since that nite, the past 2 nights were uneventuful (with his ot, there really ain't much time left to argue), but things just haven't been sitting well. I'm still having this internal debate. To decide whether I want to continue with this or just give up hoping for something to happen. I've thought of going to a marriage counsellor once but I know that Ben would never agree *sigh* I don't know his point of view exactly, and I have no idea if he is struggling with some anger deep down inside like I am as well... but it just seems to me as if he ain't bothered about things. It might be coz he has a problem and he's not telling. I dunno. I just hope that things will somehow fall into the right places by themselves and whatever resentment any of us has will gradually fade away. There's still the matter of trust. I still can't bring myself to trust him no matter how much I try. I don't even know if he's lying about the ot or otherwise. /me shrugx. whatever huh? ~

Shady self-destructed @ 12:27

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

The sun is shinning in thru the windows. Itz the start of another day. 10:15am now. I stepped into the office approximately 15min ago. *yawn* Had to drag myself to wrk once again. Big boss ain't around but the managers are, but guess what? I don't really wanna care today. I'll just continue with blogging and emailing and MSN... but I gotta make sure that I finish up before I leave. The world is a harsh place to live in. No matter what crap happens the night before, the sun will rise as usual the next day and everyday life will continue... u still gotta go to wrk/skool... u still gotta face yet another 24hrs... and the circle continues. Like I mentioned, it's a circle. There is no beginning, there will be no end. Time will still pass on by and the world will move on even after u are dead. There's basically no opportunity to let things slow down and take a breather to calm the mind... to recharge the already dead brain cells. The end result - a lifeless auto-piloted shell going about doing everyday's tasks. I am that lifeless auto-piloted shell now. Drifting around the planet, doing things coz I have to do them... not coz I want to do them. I don't even know what I want anymore. Do I want to continue down this endless spiral with no end in sight, or do I wish to climb out of it? It'll be easy to just allow things to drag me down... but it'll be a boring life-sucking journey and the end will be disaster. It'll be a harsh climb up, but there's sunlight when I finally reach the surface. *sigh* Pretty easy decision to make, u think. But I'm just so lazy to climb... itz just so much easier sliding down...

Saw a couple of kids sitting ard chatting in the MRT today. I guess they were on their way to skool. Well... though I didn't have that wonderful a childhood, I would wish for time to turn backwards and go back to that phase of life again. The phase of life when I wake up in the morn, have my breakfast, then mum fetches me to skool... getting thru classes, going home, doing homewrk & assessment books... then it'll be cartoons b4 dinner, dinner then tv or games, then it'll be bedtime. The only matters I have to bother about are exams and tests. Kinda routine, kinda deadbeat... but I believe those were the best times of my life. They were times when I didn't have to worry about $, didn't have to worry about schedule coz everything is like given ample time to handle, didn't have to worry about falling sick, didn't have to worry about being bored... etc. At that time, I had an endless reserve of energy. I could go swimming on weekends, run around shopping ctrs and playing with my brother. I miss those times. Really. Hmmm come to think of it, I kinda miss my brother too. Since he entered the army, I hardly see him around the house anymore. Or rather, since I grew up, I've been locking myself in the room and when he grew up, the did the same thing. /me shrugx. Yet another harsh reality of life. Used to look forward gg out with parents on the weekends when I was a kid. There was alot of family time. Now? I don't even remember when was the last time the whole family had a proper dinner together at a table (not ordering pizza, mind u).

Perhaps, like an old friend said not too long ago... I've been looking for hope in all the wrong places and I keep making rash decisions that don't sit well later. *sigh* It just seemed like the right thing to do at that time despite all the doubts I had. And I wasn't really given a chance to sit down and think about it or even consult another person for that matter. Hmm... will consulting another even help? I just did what I wanted to do at that time, despite much disonance. The mind hath always been contradictory. It just happened that the rational part doesn't win the internal arguement that often... or should I say, the rational mind wasn't given ample time to convince the emotional mind. Things just happen one after another. There are tasks to do, everyday things to do... I can't just put them away and do nothing but think - which I really believe I should. If I ain't at wrk now, trust me, I would just book a trip to somewhere or rent a hotel somewhere for a couple of dayz and just "disappear" for a bit. I would take the time to think, to figure out what I really want in life, and to figure out where to go frm here. Alot of sleep will definitely be part of the plan.

I need alot of rest. I am just so tired rite now, mentally that I can't concentrate on work. There are things pending... which I'll settle before I leave - by hook or by crook. But I reckon that I could be much more productive... rather than sitting here blogging and chatting on MSN. *sigh* But this is just one small luxury I could offer myself. The luxury of putting my thoughts into words and allow my mind to dwell on matters for a bit. Itz gonna be hell if I'm caught doing this. I just don't have that much attention to spare, to take into account my surroundings rite now. If I was at home, which I really much wish I am, I would just finish up this blog... log off and then go to sleep. When I wake up I'll continue with cross-stitching.

What put mi in such a state again? Once again, no prizes for guessing. Ben. Another big flare up last nite. So the story goes - at 6:20pm, he SMSed mi telling mi that he'll be late in picking mi up coz it was raining... so I thought, heck, might as well go home myself. At 6:35pm, I logged out and was on my way outta the office when Ben called and said he could leave on the spot. He asked mi to wait for him at the Shell station. I reckoned that well since he'll just take 1/2hr to get down, I could live with that... so I just went ahead and waited. 7:30pm came and no sign of him. I called, he didn't pick up the fone, so I SMSed. The reason for doing so - he fell asleep once at wrk and I dunno if he would do that again. At 7:48pm he finally appeared. My mood sucked by then and I was on the verge of flaring up. So naturally I greeted him with a black face. His face just reflected mine so it was fair. What happened next was, he threw his fucking temper again... went back to my place and started packing his bags, saying that he will move back home -.-" yes, once again he was so ready to pack up and leave. Leave leave leave... thatz always what hath been on his mind. Perhaps that old friend of mine is right. Ben has already lost interest in this r/s and he's only hanging on coz I am. He's just waiting for me to give up coz he doesn't want to be the bearer of bad news. Eventually, I managed to make him stay. I hate myself for doing that. Why do I always have to be the one who gives in and holds him back? Why can't I have the courage to be the one who throws him out? Maybe itz not the lack of courage... perhaps itz coz I'm more mature to settle arguements. But why should I be doing that when he ain't even bloody hell trying? Once again, things are pointless.

There is no point talking when communication is lost midway. When the sender and receiver are on different wavelengths and don't see the other's point of view. In my case... I do see why he's angry and I understand that. I can let that part rest. But the part that I am totally pissed is when he doesn't see why am I angry. Just ask urself... who the fuck wouldn't be angry after waiting for so long? Eventually he told mi that when he was starting his bike, it started to rain again and he only left his office ard 6:55pm. So why didn't the fuck did he call mi and inform me about it instead of making mi wait like an ass by the petrol station? According to him, 20min ain't alot. But to me, 20min is hell loads of time. I can finish 2 emails within that period. See? Different point of view again. Then his temper. Itz really much more I can bear. I don't know why am I still with him. He has no looks, a fucked up attitude, a fucked up temper, no consideration for others and he has no moolah!!~! Why can't I just walk away then? What did I owe him in my previous life and what did I do to deserve this internal conflict? I am really tempted to give the lawyer's office a call and ask about a divorce. Frankly, I think Ben is thinking of a split too... he suggested splitting up our bank account - to go back to the way it used to be before we got hitched. So I guess he wants things to go back to the past as well. Maybe I should stop hanging on. Maybe I should just free the both of us. I need to talk to him about this. The problem is - he wouldn't listen & another arguement will just take place.

My brain is really shutting down. Itz 11:46pm now. Not even half of the day hath passed... and I'm alredi falling asleep at work. I just wish... I ain't wrking now and I can leave ~ disappear for awhile and perhaps feel alive once again...

Shady self-destructed @ 11:47

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Hmmm... so far job-wise, things are going fine. Itz just a little pressurising trying to do stuff that I've never done before and stuff that I never liked to do - like calling up ppl... etc. Plus, I'm supposed to take over tasks done halfway w/o knowing exactly what hath been done before. Itz just like being thrown into a soccer match, with no idea why u are there, the coach ain't around, the captain ain't around and the other players have no idea what ur position is as well. *nod nod* Sean suggested to just "kick the ball" but hell... I still have to look for the ball. lolx. In the morningz itz relatively free and I'll just spend time responding to emails, chatting on MSN... etc itz in the evenings if the boss comes in then I gotta act busy a little. Hmm... I did leave work unfinished over the weekend but what to do? The looking for sponsorship part is the one that is taxing. Calling up car sponsors... etc. and I don't even have a specific car model to ask for. I'm just required to use my own judgement and stuff. Hahah hell, I don't even know much about cars, not that I do really care. I just wonder if I'm able to do my job well enuff. Managed to pull off this talent cast-call yesterday... not to my full potential coz I started on it pretty late in the day and I'm pretty pleased about it. I just hope that the talents will go down for audition as planned and nothing will screw up. Gah. I was on MC yesterday but I still went back to wrk. Talk about "commitment" manx. Well... what to do? I am determined to hang on to this job.

The working hours are fine. Starting at 10am till 6:30pm, though most of the time am required to stay back till 7 odd. Well, itz good. Considering that now I no longer have to wait for that asshole to finish work. Only that aspect of my life has yet to change. Ben is still being the irritating fart and I have given up hope that he'll ever change. Asked him to pick mi up after work once. I finish at 6:30pm and he left his office ard that time, claiming that he has ot to do and when it comes to totalling the accounts at nite, he had $200 spent paying the lawyer (which ain't the normal procedure) and $8.25 extra. What I suspect is he used that $200 up for something and the extra $ is the change frm it. I just can't seem to trust him anymore. And frankly, lately I just don't seem to love him that much alredi. I would want to see him after work, but when I do... I just don't feel as happy as I used to. I guess itz becoz our life hath become a boring routine that I am just so sick off. Everyday gotta wait for him to communicate. Either that or I've gotta call him myself. When we are together, we don't go out anymore... just staying at home to watch tv or fix up the jigsaw and go out only when his friends ask him out. /me shrugx. I guess the r/s is just dying a natural death.

Worse things are here to come, I predict. With our current finnancial situation, most logical ppl will think to just live within their means, not blow $$ off for nothing. That asshole lost his handfone and guess what? Instead of opting for a cheaper alternative - a decent phone can be bought for around $200+ with camera and video recording functions, he went to spent $435 on a Nokia 6670 that comes with an MP3 player. Guess what? He is a computer idiot and no prizes for guessing who is he asking to download mp3s for him. I am just too fucking lazy to do so... with his new phone I'm really worried that he'll be downloading shit here and there and end up paying alot in the fone bill. *sigh* I wonder if itz a good thing encouraging him to use a fixed line instead of paying for a prepaid card. At least now he has free incomming calls, which minuses the $ spent when friends of his call. I really wonder why is he such a "busy person". Ppl calling and SMSing him now and then. Frankly, I'm pissed whenever I see his fone. He blows such a huge amount on it, leaving me with nothing to get a new phone. Those who have seen my phone b4 will know what condition my phone is in. I know itz still usable but I would love to upgrade it... but considering now that $400 odd is gone frm the bank... I don't think I'll have the chance to do so. Ben just doesn't understand what is keeping $ aside. He just spends and spends and spends on items that are not urgent. This is getting mi damn frustrated and when I talk to him, he just blows his temper saying that itz the phone he wants. He just doesn't understand the difficulty we are facing now. I really regret choosing him as a life partner.

If that ain't enuff, he has colleagues sending him graphically explict stuff over bluetooth. He claims itz cute and itz all done in the name of fun. Yeah rite. I know... being a guy, sex and all is always on his mind. I'm just wondering, who is he making love to lately. He just comes home, fixes the jigsaw and goes to bed. He doesn't even show affection to me nowaday anymore. Even when he calls me... like awhile ago, he said itz coz he "misses me". Yeah rite!!~! As if I would believe that. Like I expected, he has a favour to ask... and thatz for me to go down to the carpark and check if he left his cash card in his IU. *sigh* Itz apparent that he's getting whatever he needs elsewhere. The only question is where and who. Not that I really care much anymore. I just need a concrete reason to divorce him w/o me forking out the lawyer fees and infidelity is definitely one of the best to use. Aaargghhhh I really fucking hate him. I just wish that one day, I'll wake up and realise that all this marriage shite was just a nightmare, and that I'm single and without worries. Of coz I would prefer to stay employed. If only time could turn back. I wouldn't have agreed to buy the flat and Iwould have broke up with him a long time ago. Itz a very bad move on my part and I think I'll have to spend a very long time of my life paying for this mistake. This really sux ~

Shady self-destructed @ 11:41

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

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+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

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