Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Friday, May 27, 2005

Phew !!~! Finally, after weeks of sending out resumes & attending interviews, I'm starting work on Monday!!~! *grinx* I dunno if itz a bad thing or a good thing... but, thinking of it, something that puts moolah in the pockets should be a good thing. Perhaps life is finally starting to turn around a little. At least with a regular paycheck, bills will be paid, I'll be able to subscribe for broadband & cable tv for the new home... etc. Only one drawback. I am quite sure that more $ in the bank will just mean higher spending rate for someone. I have actually a good mind to just sit at home and do nothing and see how he settles all the stuff but if I do that, I can bet my last dollar that bills will start to pile up and debts will increase by the month. Hopefully with my new job, things will be slightly easier and maybe somehow, someway I'll manage some savings. The renovations are well on the way now. Estimated move in date will be end of June. I wonder how izzit gonna be, living with him only. Though things are improving now, it ain't up to expectations yet. I just hope that living together will not drive me crazy. I forsee undone housework, a messy home... and empty home. Ahh fuck it. Will take it a step at the time. For now, the nxt time I gonna take is make sure I bloody hell turn up for work on Monday & that I'll be able to cope with the workload. I just hope that this will be the last time I'll be looking for a job. Oh craps... I'm supposed to call up the darn CPF board.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:47

Thursday, May 19, 2005

I still stick to the notion I have since my previous blog entry. The world is filled with assholes. I need a world of nothing to escape to... only then will I experience total freedom. A world of nothingness, where nothing else exists except me. When I'll be able to shape existence. Ain't that wonderful? To be God? A world where nothing goes wrong. I have been to 2 interviews for the past 2 dayz. Both of them ended up disasters. Yesh. I wonder why those assholes even call mi up for an interview in the 1st place, when it doesn't even seem like they are interesting on hiring me. A few brief unrelated questions is what they ask. How accomodating. Bloody asshole. Great. Now I can't even blog proper. My Firefox is screwing up... apparently itz just my computer. I had intended to send resumes out as well but now hotmail ain't even working properly. Gah!!~! This is ultimately furstrating. Anyway, itz now Thursday. That dick Wilac must have received the card I sent out by now... but he just ain't responding anywhere. He didn't retract the complaint made via PayPal and neither did he make any indication that the package has been received. He is an example of a person who takes advantage of another's mistake. Like I mentioned b4... this is the last time I am gonna trust the integrity of another human. Humans have none. They are all out to lie, cheat & steal (yeah... Latino Heat), and they don't spare a thought for others. Since no compassion is shown to me... none will be shown frm me either. Welcome to the jungle, my world. The rest of u, can just fuck off. Especially Jennifer. Who is Jennifer? I have no idea. She keeps SMSing Ben, asking him to meet up. Ben claims that she is an insurance agent. Yeah rite. I remember the last time he told me that his insurance agent is a male. A guy named Jennifer? Food for thought. Just fuck off.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:24

Monday, May 16, 2005

Who am I? What am I?
I am what others think of me.
I am more than one being.
Yet I am one.

There is a "Me" in the minds of everyone I know.
The "Me" are all different.
And yet, the "Me" is all the same.
What builds up the very being of "Me"?

What verifies my very existence?
Itz the perception of "Me" in the minds of those that I know.
Itz the interaction with others simillar to myself that created myself.
Itz the bonds that tie Me to everyone else that makes "Me".

The physical Me exists.
The perceptual Me exists.
The existence of the actual Me is unknown.
Can one survive without the other?

Will I still be "Me" if my existence is forgotten?
Will I still be "Me" if nobody remembers about Me?
Will I then return to nothingness?
Or will my physical self continue to exist?

Who am I? What am I?
I am "Me"
That is who I am.
Who is "Me"?

Shady self-destructed @ 13:45

-= Messed up, Like Totally =-

Bloody asshole (Wilac Lim) on Ebay.com who bidded for my item filed an item dispute report against me... which I have no idea how to resolve unless he comes clean with everything. The reason for dispute, he has not received the item even though payment hath been paid. Well, obviously. I did state in the ad that item was made-to-order and the buyer should allow up to 4 weeks for delivery. Now is like what...? Just the 2nd week. Yeah, the item hath been shipped but my mistake for sending it via regular mail. I should have sent it thru' registered mail instead and obtained a tracking number. Shouldn't have trusted another person's integrity. The problem now is... I've sent the item so it would be unfair if I have to resort to giving a full refund w/o the item being returned to me. And from how things are proceeding, it seems like that will be the ultimate outcome. Even if the item did get to his doorstep eventually, he'll claim that he never received it and there's no way that I can prove that I've shipped it. Huge mistake on my part. I wonder what was I thinking when I sent that mail thru' regular post -.-" Perhaps I thought that since the person was an experienced ebayer, he should have some integrity. It was a bummer that I actually thought I could trust another human. No more of such stuff. If ever I gonna continue selling things one ebay, for certain, this time I will obtain a tracking number and I'll make sure that all these lies will be discontinued. The seller claimed that I never responded to his mails. Duh... as ifI have time to check my mails on a daily basis. I may be free, but not that free. Plus, I did respond within a week. So whatz his problem with zero patience? The 2nd item I posted ended unsold. I've relisted it. Just for the sake of doing so actually. Now I just hope for my debit card statement to arrive so I can verify my PayPal account... in order to upload funds in the case of a refund. That dick just ruined my mood.

And Wilac ain't the only dick around. Resentment that hath been building up finally exploded last nite. Once again, Ben threatened to leave during an argument and this time, my parents stopped him. I so nearly hit him but my dad pulled me away. Itz bad when parents are involved this time. During all that, Ben just stated that everything was my fault and he still refused to see my point of view. Fine. I'll leave it as it is this time. I'll just go ahead with everything I wanna do - which means contacting a lawyer and ending this for good. I am just so fucking sick n tired & I don't thing I have energy to drag on further. As predicted, he has ot tonite. I don't care anymore. I'll be having dinner @ home by myself and afterwhich, I'll go down to Jelapang alone to retrieve my bike. Itz hopeless to depend on an asshole like him and it'll be pointless for things to linger. I told him in his face last nite - I so fucking hate him. I meant what I say and I don't intend to retract that statement. Hate will pull me thru' all these. Hate will ensure that I live on and wreck everything with my own hands. If Ben says that it'z my fault. Fine. Itz my fault then. I don't wish to argue further and I don't wish to continue further. What is so difficult to understand about that? If my dad didn't stop him from leaving, I wouldn't have. Yeah, granted that we have come so far... but the road hath been one of displeasure and negativity. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Itz time to make a u-turn, get back to the road I was on b4 all this and choose another route. One without assholes to mess up.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:48

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

A relationship can never work if itz based on lies. Ben always complains that I don't trust him. I've tried to trust him, but how can I trust a guy who lies and keeps stuff from me? I ain't stupid. I find out about things sooner or later, and when I do, I can't trust. Till now he is keeping things from me, telling me outward lies. I really don't know what else I would find out day after day. It seems like more things are coming to light now and then. The renovation works are being carried out @ the new home. Itz gonna be a very messy divorce if action is taken now. *sigh* Itz something I would wish to avoid, but it ain't healthy thinking bout it every single day ~ yes, everyday. I wonder why is it so. Just yesterday I found out that Ben's bike hasn't been fully settled. I found this receipt from DeXing Motors, stating that there are 3 more instalments to go. Okay. The bike was bought on hire purchase. Then in the 1st place, why did he tell mi that it was bought full-cash and everything is paid? In fact, he's been telling everyone so. What does that prove, honestly? Then I asked him about his dental. He claimed that he spent $560 on extracting 3 wisdom teeth and rewiring of the braces. Fine. I asked how did he pay for it... he said $300 cash and the rest via Nets. I asked for the receipt, he couldn't produce it... claiming that he was too much in pain to ask for one. Sounds reasonable huh? But wait!!~! When I found the DeXing instalment card, I chanced upon the receipts as well. Yesh... apparently he had the receipts but he threw them away after. The receipts said $200 via master, $120 via master and another $100 via master card (POSB and DBS). So why the lie? The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. If he paid all that thru' master, where did the cash in his wallet go? I don't mean to peep into his wallet and all that... itz just that, I can trust him no longer and cash seems to be missing now and then. I'll be okay if he spends and tells me honestly... I am not okay coz he lies about it blatantly!!~! This will never end.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:30

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Yet another Saturday spent cooping myself up at home, in front of the PC. *sigh* I guess itz too many times that I turned ppl who asked mi out down, that they couldn't be bothered to ask me out anymore. Not that I can afford to really go out rite now -.-" At this rate, think I'm just gonna lose all my friends. I won't say that they aren't important to me... they are, but I don't have much of a choice now. Itz survival vs enjoyment for me. $$ is of highest priority. Until I find a job, I doubt I'll be asking anyone out. Well, perhaps a movie in a couple of week is fine. I just wonder, if there'll be anyone left to watch a movie with me, after all this. There ain't anyone to blame to be frank, I brought this all upon myself... for not sticking to a job long enough, for remaining unemployed for the past few weeks. If there's any consolation... well, I did try. Not hard enough maybe, but I did. Just turned down a job offer yesterday. It was for F&B, 12hrs with a pay of 1.5k. I just felt that the hours ain't worth it - after calculation, itz like $5/hr, and I felt that I deserve better. A wrong move to make perhaps, but I guess there's not much turning back. I just can only keep my fingers crossed & hope to receive better news on Monday. The job with Singapore Power Services sound good, even though itz a mesely 1.4k, itz better than nothing. At least with an employment, Ben can no longer use the lame excuse that I ain't wrking... to continue wrking at Paradigm.

Speaking 'bout Paradigm, I wonder if he's gonna keep his promise made. He said he'll no longer wrk once renovation wrks for the house is over, and we can finally move in. *sigh* Frankly, I doubt he's gonna do it. He just keeps dragging his resignation date. Itz just apparent that he doesn't wanna quit wrking there - for reasons only he knows. This really sux. Till now I still wonder, what the fuck in the world posessed me to allow this meaningless relationship to drag so far. He just doesn't seem to get the idea of "marriage" and is still running his one-man-show. Perhaps itz coz I had the hope that he can change. Gah... I thought I convinced myself that itz useless to hope for anything a long time ago. Itz just so human, isn't it? To hang on to something that seems doomed from the beginning, based on something so fragile as Hope. Something so uncertain, something so... impossible. Maybe he'll awaken when I finally leave him. The only question is, will I? I can't say for sure... coz I am human anyway ~ Yeah, blame it all on my humanity. Blame it on the lack of willpower. The fear of change. The paranoia of the unknown. Can anyone claim that they will act differently for certain? I doubt.

Am watching "The Legend of Speed" rite now. The one starring Andy Lau. Yesterday, just watched this dumb gangster movie starring Ekin Cheng. Somehow, the main characters in the movies remind me alot of Ben. Their attitude, the way they treat the girls who are concerned about them, the way they just get themselves into shit... only to regret later. They way they drag everyone around them down together. *sigh* Or should I say, the way they do things w/o much consideration for the feelings of ppl around them. I just hope that, those who can associate themselves with such characters will receive enlightenment someday. That they'll wake up from their dream and realise that they aren't the only ones in the world. If not, I guess, for the good of the rest of humanity... they should just fuck off and die.

Anyway, I just placed another item on sale on ebay - this time being a father's day card. Itz priced at USD1 more than my previous item (USD3.99) and I wonder if it would sell. The design ain't fabulous but it'll make a great card when completed. Frankly, I wish I have the luxury to keep all the stitches that I've done... but I guess, somehow, I need to finance this hobby of mine. Am just thinking of how to make it bigger, how to ensure that ppl will still purchase the pieces when I raise the price. Ain't gonna make this into a huge investment - I simply don't have the time & it ain't too practical to count on stitches to pay the bills (basically I can't stitch them fast enuff to make enuff $ to pay anything... who can? lolx), just wanna make sure that I ain't spending too much $ on the thread, cloth, designs... etc. Ah well... will see how it goes. Back to work for now I guess - since I can't sim coz bro is home -.-"

Shady self-destructed @ 00:56

Friday, May 06, 2005

The past few dayz have been monotonous... receiving calls frm various Recruit Express agents expressing that there is a position & informing mi that they'll be sending my resume over, then going down for interview... and receiving no response in the end -.-" *sigh* Yeah I did mention in my previous blog that I'm sick of it. I am still sick of it, if not sicker, but nothing seems to change... I can't just quit looking for a job and hope that one falls onto my lap. One thing though, all those resumes I sent out doesn't seem to have an effect, resulting in zero calls. Gah!!~! I wonder whatz wrong with my resume since it had responses the previous times. That bloody GE Money job doesn't look good on it manx, perhaps I shall just del it off - just that, it'll be a pain in the ass when employers require me to fill up this form declaring any previous termination of service. Fucked up GE Money. I hope they go bust and go to hell ~ The $$ is draining outta my bank faster than itz getting in so somehow someway I gotta get employed by this mth or the nxt mth will be really tight. This mth is alredi tight, but I had last mth's pay to tide me by. *sigh* Now I know what parents mean when they keep mentioning "saving up for a rainy day". This ain't exactly an emergency, but ah well, $$ is always good to have -.-"

Oh... somehow I survived the KL trip. I don't know how I did it, but time passed faster than it should. Yeah, there were periods that I really felt pissed coz Ben was apparently showering more attention on that Jacky fella, but I dunno. Either I'm so used to getting pissed off that itz becoming a norm or I just don't care much anymore. Just imagine this. We went shopping together. When I want to see an item, but the others walk on, Ben just drags me along... w/o even stopping to see my item. When I show him the item I'm interested in, he doesn't seem interested. However, itz a different case with Jacky. When Jacky goes into a shop, Ben just follows and participates in the purchase decision. Itz like, what the hell? Why don't u just go and date Jacky then? Are his thoughts that important to you? Plus... it was a disappointment when we didn't go to Zouk or Hard Rock Cafe eventually. Thanx to, his friends -.-" The 1st nite, we planned on visiting Zouk, the rest fell asleep and Ben didn't want to go then. The 2nd nite, we did go down to Hard Rock but the other 2 girls didn't bring their ID. Ben, again, didn't want to go in w/o them. *sigh* Thatz y I really hate travelling with other ppl... especially troublesome ones. There were alot of waiting for ppl to get ready, waiting for ppl to do their stuff, going along with something I dun wanna do... etc etc. And Ben still dares ask mi if I wanna go Thailand in Oct with the rest. That sux. Really.

I still dun understand what did Jacky do to deserve so much attention frm Ben... and why in the world does he deserve all that gifts Ben is showering on him. The SP Jacky is riding. Ben told mi that Jacky is paying for it... but err... why then, did Ben receive a letter informing him of outstanding payment & why did Ben go down to De Xing just yesterday to "pay for something"? Apparently there's still alot of stuff that he's hiding frm mi. I just gotta find a way to find out.

Anyway, I sold my 1st item on ebay!!~! It is a handmade cross-stitch card, sold for USD2.99 - quite a pathetic amount if u ask mi (after all those deduction fees... it just evens up the material costs), but since I'm a new ebayer, I need to build up a reputation 1st I guess. Well, nothing is confirmed yet. Just that the bid is completed. I have yet to ship the item, and the buyer has yet to pay. I hope nothing screws up in between coz I'm looking forward to completing my 1st sale!!~! Which means, I gonna spend the nxt few hours working on the card. Heehee... yeah, I scanned in a picture frm the book instead of the photograph of a completed item. Don't really wanna do something that wouldn't sell... and end up being flooded with cross-stitch cards. lolx. Hmmm... perhaps I should place another listing for a Father's Day card, since Dad's day is coming nxt mth. A card for mother's day will be too late to complete now. Somehow all these shit ain't exactly worth it but since I'm getting a kick outta it, and I don't lose much $ at the end of it all... ah hell, I don't see why I shouldn't proceed. Maybe I'll even create a website with all the designs I'm willing to do and advertise it as well. Hmm... see how things go lahx ~

For now, itz back to sending resumes, pacifying my growling tummy, then perhaps work on the card a little. Wish me luck !!~! =)

Shady self-destructed @ 11:50

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

+ A r c h i v e s +

02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009

+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

Layout by Kuroda