Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Thursday, April 28, 2005

I am tired. Tired of sending out resumes w/o responses. Tired of job agencies calling mi and asking if I would like to try for a position - eventually, I'll get zlich response after I agree. Tired of looking for a job. *sigh* I know, nothing is easy in this world. But things are getting really difficult rite now... especially when there is a pressure to find a job now. Ben is asking me to just get "any job". What he doesn't understand is, itz not I don't want to get a job... itz somehow, ppl just don't hire me. Simple as that. Even if it means going for a job way below my expectations, empolyers still do hesistate as well. I don't blame them for doing so. I wouldn't hire a grad to do an O Levels holder's job - mainly coz, the grad prolly wouldn't stay for long term. An option is to hide the fact that I am holding a bachelor's. But do I really want that? To settle for just "any job" in the meantime and then take my time to look for a better one once things are settled? It'll just be career suicide. Taking just any job rite now will reduce my chances of interviewing with a better position and I couldn't accept a better job even if it comes along. -.-" Yeah... I'm sounding a little too optimistic there huh? What makes me think that there will be a better job for me? Job hunting is super demoralising... and I am just so sick and tired of it ~ w/o a job rite now, Hong Leong are reconsidering granting us our housing loan. According to Jacky (yes... the "all-so-great" one), 80% chances are that our loan will be rejected coz Ben wouldn't be able to finance it based on his salary alone. If the loan is rejected, the case will burst & alot of legal proceedings will follow. And even if I get a job rite now, it might be "too late" - according to "the great one" again. Sometimes, I wonder what Jacky bases his estimations and information on. From what I observe, he doesn't know shit. I can't say that I know more than him. I'm just saying that whatever he says might not necessary be for certain. He's just an agent. Nothing more. It ain't even his place to give advice, if u ask me. Just that... Ben trusts him completely, and heeds his advice (which are, most of the time, suicide options). Fool.

Yes, I am even tired of hearing his name being mentioned. To think that I'll be seeing him for the next couple of dayz. Gawd... what the fuck did I get myself into? Agreeing to go along with the KL trip and all that. Even today... for the viewing, he will be coming along and afterwhich, Ben wants to go to Loyang to pray, with guess who? No prizes for the correct answer. When I asked him, ain't he sick of seeing them everyday, he just replied - they're his friends. Yeah... shall I put that in bold or italics? HIS friends. Not mine. I really wonder how am I gonna survive the nxt few dayz in KL. A trip is supposed to be a getaway... for relaxing the mind & body... for having fun. What fun will I be able to derive from going? I'll probably be dragged to places that I wouldn't even wanna go... dragged along with the opinions of others - since Ben apparently is the "go-along with anything" kinda guy. Gah. This is really fucked.

*sigh* Anyway, the above reasons (with exception of complaing about the trip) are why I wasn't keen in resale flat in the 1st place. Just that Ben wouldn't listen. He said that a resale flat will be to avoid putting the downpayment in cash... yeah, but that means paying a higher price on the overall - which is worse, don't u think? I just think itz plain stupid. Why pay $10 for a plate of chicken rice when u can pay $5, just to avoid paying $2 for the sauce? I know, I know, thatz a lame comparision, but you get the point. A new 5-room flat directly from HDB will prolly cost about 160k, compared to a 4-room flat we got at 220k. Yesh yesh, minus the 40k grant it'll be 180k for the flat... but ahem, paying additional 20k for something smaller? Doesn't make much sense to me. Ben said that he went for resale to take advantage of the 40k grant. Tell me if I'm making a mistake, a walk-in w/o the grant would be much cheaper anyway!!~! At 1st he said that a resale flat will mean saving up on renovation costs. After all those quotations obtained from contractors, frm what I see, it'll be back to square one. Even worse... coz renovation wrks on resale flat means hacking what the previous owner has placed in the flat... which means extra charges on the overall. Uhmmm... so... am I missing something here? Try convince me that this wasn't a bad idea to begin with. I've thought of almost everything & I still condemn the idea. Why did I agree to it frm the beginning. Well... to make it clear, I never did. Ben just wants everything done his way. Since he thinks he's that great, there's no point arguing. Am just waiting to say "I told you so", when he finally realises his folly. The part I ain't happy with is... I'm getting myself dragged down with him in the process.

Itz important to choose the right person for marriage. I used to think that so as long as the guy is faithful, and willing to commit... itz sufficient. Now I think otherwise. Itz not just enough being faithful and having the commitment there. A relationship doesn't wrk if there ain't sparks present. A r/s isn't fulfilling unless there's happiness involved... unless the guy is willing to place ur happiness 1st, there's really isn't a point afterall. I know I may be sounding kinda self-centered here, but I'm just sick and tired of the way things are going. Sick and tired of Ben wanting his own way all the time and not treating me the way I want to be treated. Furthermore, itz also necessary that the guy is financially stable. In my case, itz a proven failure. Now I understand why some Singaporean girls tend to be materialistic. Itz just to ensure their own survival afterall. Coz if u are stuck in this finnancial rut, there seems to be no going back and no other options avaliable except to just simply - wait and see.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:02

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

One removes things from my room, doesn't put them back & places existing items into stacks on the table. Another just increases the amount of items in my room. Both ppl are driving me mad. I need to move out... to somewhere I can just be by myself, with myself. Can everyone in the world just DISAPPEAR for at least a few dayz, if not forever? The nxt few dayz are gonna suck... Ben is dragging me off to KL for a trip with his friends. "His friends" meaning Jacky, Jacky's gf, Eric and Eric's gf - who are, in other words, not friends of mine. I just know itz gonna be a fucking bore... looking at the way things are going when I am out with his friends. I just don't understand why he has to get his friends in as well. Yeah, the more the merrier. Stupid logic. The less the better, is what I stand by. There are gonna be delays, fuck ups and loads of times where I'll be feeling so alone in an unfamilliar place. Speaking of feeling alone... somehow thatz been a perm part of my life these dayz. Now that Ben is doing his model kits, he hardly even speaks to me. Even if he does, it'll be in irritated tones. As usual, he's still breaking his promises. Told mi that he'll be home at 10pm today. Apparently time's up. Where did he go? He went to change $$ with his friends. Pls manx... can't u change $$ by yourself? Do u have to meet ur friends and do everything together? I bet they even take a piss together. So much for talk about girls going to the loo together huh? Men are the same. They are weaker than women and yet they refuse to admit it. Plus, itz their swollen ego all the time. Fuck it.

Shady self-destructed @ 22:08

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Seriously, GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!! I ain't some toy for u to vent ur anger at when u are frustrated... I ain't someone u can just shout at when u are not happy. What the fuck do u want me to do? Hong Leong just called mi to inquire about my job... I told them I ain't wrking rite now. So I just called Ben to ask him what izzit all about. And he just shouted at me thru the fone. What the fuck is this? Is this being fair to me or what? Obviously I hung up -.-" I ain't clear about how the loan thing goes... I thought that it was approved alredi... hence I am wondering why the hell are they calling once again. When I ain't clear, I ask. Whatz wrong with that? Huh huh HUH?! If the loan doesn't go thru, then GOOD!!~! Everything will just burst and everything can just go to hell... INCLUDING YOU!!! IF YOU THINK U ARE SO GREAT AND IF U THINK U CAN DO EVERYTHING ALONE, MAKE ALL DECISONS ALONE, ONLY TO REGRET IT WHEN SOME BETTER OPTION COMES ALONG... GO AHEAD!!~! I JUST AIN'T GONNA FUCKING SINK WITH U WHEN U DO!!~! U THINK FINDING A JOB AIN'T PRESSURIZING? U THINK FINDING A JOB IS SO FUCKING EASY? I WOULD LIKE TO SEE WHAT THE HELL U DO WHEN UR LICENSE GETS SUSPENDED. AND NOW U SMS MI SAYING THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND ENGLISH. WHAT THE FUCK DO U WANT NOW? CAN'T U JUST SHUT UP AND THINK FOR A SECOND AND FUCKING GROW UP!!!!!!??? JUST COZ I DON'T SHOW IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I DON'T FEEL STRESS. U DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M GOING THRU, I DON'T SEE WHY I NEED U AROUND ME ANYMORE!!!! COZ APPARENTLY, 70% OF ALL THAT STRESS COMES FRM YOU... AND U AIN'T MAKING IT BETTER BY UR BEHAVIOUR!!~! IF U WANT A DIVORCE, GO AHEAD!!~! JUST COZ I LOVE YOU DOESN'T MEAN THAT I GONNA BE YOUR BLOODY DOG FOREVER, ALLOWING U TO JUST SHOW UR TEMPER WHEN U FEEL LIKE IT. I AM HUMAN TOO AND MY PATIENCE IS LIMITED. Oh yeah, and for ur info, you just crossed the limit. Now the only choice left for u is to fall. Go to hell. And burn there.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:55

Saturday, April 23, 2005

I am starting to think, does Ben have this sick hobby of irritating the ppl around him or what? What does he exactly feel when he does things to annoy me on purpose? Itz 10am. F**king hell, and he has to call and wake mi up, posing to be a DBS officer, asking me about the renovation loan. Frankly, it ain't funny. Basically, no one likes to be woken up when they're half asleep... and for absolutely no reason at all -.-" If that ain't enuff, he just filled me in on the plans that he had made himself, for the day. Apparently when he went to wrk, he brought his clothes with him and he'll be going home to take a fresh set + his letters later... only after that will he come down to meet mi. I wonder what time will that be. Normally when he "comes straight down", it'll be like 2pm. Now he's going home 1st, to fuss on his dogs and goodness knows what, he'll be down say... 5/6pm? Not to mention, squeezing time for a massage in between. If that ain't irritating enuff, his actual intention was ask mi to ride down to his wrkplace, carrying a tank, for the f**king monitor lizard. WHAT monitor lizard?! Judging frm his character, he wouldn't be able to take care of it proper. He doesn't even know the breed, for gawd's sake!!~! And to keep it in a flat reptile tank that I use for my mice? That'll be torturing. Well obviously I refused to do that. I can't ride with a fucking tank in my hands, can I? And I definitely won't do it in such weather. Why should I do this for someone who doesn't even bother to walk downstairs to buy food for me when I'm ill? Plus I really ain't keen on the f**king lizard. Ain't that bloody annoying or what? Somehow my patience for him is running thin. I used to be able to take his "jokes" and all that crap but lately I'll just flare up. I just hope he won't annoy me further by telling mi that he has ot later... he's the one who made plans to go down to Stargek for his bike models. Now he's the one who ain't making time for it. Hmm... just a thought, where is he gonna get the $$ to buy those models? From what I know, the bank accounts are dry & he doesn't have much cash.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:52

Thursday, April 21, 2005

-= Pissed Off =-

Great, GE Money just terminated my contract on ridiculous grounds. The reason given... there were various complaints on the Bedok branch saying that the staff there giving wrong information. Duhhhh as if I am the only staff there -.-" Besides that, the company hath been updating their policies every week, including new stuff and all... so obviously the information is "wrong" all the time!!~! For example, if u asked me what documents are needed last Sat, I'll tell u blah blah blah, which is correct at that point of time. And if u come back today, I'll tell u that additional documents are needed. Guess who will get the blame of "providing wrong information"? Furthermore, the asshole I'm wrking with ain't exactly superb either. He screens the wrong documents, lets the customers thru, and then tells mi that this and that are needed... guess who is the one to break the news to the customers? All this is f**king lame. Partly, I'm glad to be outta there coz not only is it a dead-end job with absolutely NO future, itz difficult to do... with all that changes and all those fingers pointed at me. Plus the formal wear. Gahh !!~! And not to mention, "flexible" work hours. Asking mi to come to wrk at this time for a day, then another time for another day... etc. And I was just thinking of a way outta the job... since it was contract based, there is no way that I can break the contract & look for a betta paying job unless I pay the company 1 mth's salary. So can I say that this is a blessing in disguise? No doubt, I'm sore at the thought of a stupid excuse given, and I'm worried how to pay off the bills at the end of the mth... but I reckon, somehow, some good will come outta this. Obviously I ain't waiting too long to start my job search this time. Am alredi sending out resumes & surfing online job websites... etc. I just wonder, when will I get a response.

If that ain't pissing me off enuff, Ben is doing it as well. Yesh, again. He has this tendancy to piss me off on a daily basis without fail. Though sometimes I do admire him... how the f**k does he manage to come out with all that excuses for coming late frm wrk. One day, it'll be bumping into his friend at Clementi (that I don't refute), another day it'll be rain, another day it'll be waiting for the boss to go home and the ultimate - there's a monitor lizard @ the wrkplace and he + colleague spent 1hr catching it... hence he was late in coming home. Doesn't anyone find this ridiculous, or is it just me? Finishing wrk at 5:30pm and reaching home after 7pm. For Sat, finishing wrk at 12:30pm and reaching home after 2pm. My best guess is that he went for some stupid massage again, with all additional services included. That'll explain where all the $$ is going to. One thought though... if he has the mental capability to think of excuses to come out with every single day, it'll be wonderful if that attention is directed to a more practical purpose - like handling the finances of the home. The finances are in a mess rite now and I don't really see a way out. Itz like walking down a tunnel that hath no end... and having someone beside u who is always leading u down the wrong path w/o consultation. Now he wants to invest his CPF in some Prudential shite. w/o asking me either. Are my opinions so negligible? Or shall I say, he's the kind of person who goes into stuff w/o thinking of consequences and w/o taking another person's view into consideration. Which brings me to the question again - how is this marriage going to wrk out when someone is just making all the decisions?

Finnancially I am doomed. Emotionally, itz hell. Try getting frustrated every single day and getting promises made to you broken all the time. One might think that I've gotten used to it rite now, that I'll be numb to everything. Yeah... everything is expected. At least I get surprised no longer but the rage remains & the frustration is impossible to get rid of. This Sat he'll be wrking at Paradigm again, despite promising that last mth was the LAST mth. Then guess what? Friend of his SMSes him yesterday, asking him to wrk this Friday as well. w/o asking me if I'm okay with it... he agrees. Question again. Where is this all leading to? Itz apparent that he doesn't want to quit. Who the f**k is comfortable with his/her spouse wrking in a nightspot? Granted that he enjoys the attention those sluts pay to him... and vice versea. But this ain't fair to me, is it? Yeah, u may say that I'm being paranoid. If u think that way, why don't u go down and see the way he wrks and take note of all the stuff he SMSes his friends, or the SMSes his friends send him? F**k it manx. I just hope he'll get outta my life somehow.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:12

Sunday, April 10, 2005

OT again!!~! This time on a Sunday. Who in the world would believe that? Everything is like as predicted. ot yesterday (Saturday) wouldn't last more than evening... indeed he returned home ard 4+ That is after I threatened to go down to his wrkplace to wait for him. While I was on the bus halfway there, he called and said that ot was over. *snorts* This is just so suspicious. Yeah yeah blame it on my paranoia, but don't u think that the signs are pretty clear? It ain't confirmed that he is exactly cheating on me, but he sure is keeping something ~ and that is a siutation that cannot be ignored. He was a lousy bf, an even worse husband. I wonder what posessed me to step into it and continue wading on. Courage or stupidity? I don't even have the mood to do anything now. Itz a Sunday... I have no plans & my bro is using the com to play TS2.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:21

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Did anyone ever tell u that nothing is for sure in this world? Hmmm... that person is so goddamned wrong. There is something that anyone can say for certainty in this world. That is - all males are liars. They cannot be trusted ever. Last Saturday, Ben had OT. When I asked him to call mi during his ot, he say he couldn't, claiming that it was too noisy on the ship. I had my doubts back then... that he'll return just in time to change for wrk (at Paradigm). Indeed he came home at 9pm, only to change his clothes and leave again. I just checked his handfone earlier (he told me to), and guess what I saw? I saw this sms frm him to his friend, Jacob, asking if Jacob wants to go for a massage at 3pm. Guess when was the sms dated? 2nd of April. Last Sat. The Sat that he had ot till 9pm. When I confronted him about that... all he did was he got pissed and said that he only msged his friend for fun. He also added that it was a normal Thai massage that he was asking his friend to. So if itz just a "normal" Thai massage, then why did he need to keep it from me? Plus, he claimed that he didn't go. If he didn't go, and there wasn't an intention, then why the sms? Everything is kinda going ard in circles don't u think? I am trying so f**king hard to trust him and I keep finding out all this kinda shit. Tell me... how am I supposed to trust a guy who does this kinda things? I ain't 100% certain that he went for the massage but I am 90% positive that he wasn't at wrk that day. I want to believe him, but how does anyone expect me to? Yah yah... a massage is harmless... f**k it manx, everyone knows what goes on behind the curtains. Plus, he couldn't explain the absence of $ either. He got his pay... according to the CPF deduction - contribution history, itz calculated that he should take home around 1.2k. But he just banked in 1k. Where did the additional $200 go to? I don't care if the whole world finds out about this... I don't care if I am washing dirty linen in public. I am just too pissed off to sleep and I have to rant this out.

This issue just brought further doubts in my mind. All those times that he had ot... where did he go? Was he really working? Or was he out having a "harmless massage". How many times did he actually lie to me in the past? What other lies does he have up his sleeve? Bascially this whole issue is fucked. I should have just given the lawyers a call. Bring myself additional finnancial woes if it must be that way... this marriage just ain't gonna wrk. How can a marriage work when nothing is truthful? When everything is just a lie? And when I can't even bring myself to trust him? Now he just treats it as if nothing hath happened and gone to sleep. I am pretty much tired myself, I am down with a fever + I have to wrk tomorrow. However, the thought of lying down beside him is just revolting. God knows what hath he been up to in the past, where hath he been and what hath he done. The sight of him is just sick... I can't bear to bring myself to even touch him, much as I want to. Yeah yeah, he says he'll send me to wrk tml. Who wants to bet $100 that he wouldn't be able to wake up?

Bottom line - men lie. All of them do. Itz just the question of whether they are good in it or otherwise. In this case... the answer is for all to see.

Shady self-destructed @ 01:54

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

+ A r c h i v e s +

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+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

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