Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Things are getting frm bad to worse. Everything. Job, r/s, social life... even my com is acting up. It used to be just lagging and horrible startup time, now even my mouse ain't responsive enuff to game properly -.-" I wonder what my brother did during the weekend when I was on the PS2. For sure, he's the last one who touched my PC. Gah... the nxt time I get a new one, or I get this set formatted, I'll make sure to lock the os up with a password, so no one can access it w/o me!!~! Prevention is betta than cure actually... so yeah, better prevent it b4 anything else happens. Guess if I ever do get a new PC (which seems aeons away based on my current financial means), I'll probably invest in a good anti-virus scan and perhaps obtain an ad-ware removal software as well. *sigh* It sure would save loads of trouble if it doesn't get infected in the 1st place. Granted that nothing is 100% safe, but I just gotta try to minimize the occurance. Everytime my com is down, or not running to itz max capability, I just get frustrated. There's alot of frustration I've to deal at almost all times of the day now, that I guess it would be betta that I deal with one less. Yeah, almost every minute I'm dealing with frustration. The only times that are guaranteed that I wun get frustrated is during my sleeping hrs... even then, I dunno. If I am that unlucky, I'll get nightmares.

Job wise, there is nothing I can do. Yesh, nothing. *sigh* Since I am contract bound, itz up to the employer to fix my wrking hours and guess what? Frm tml onwards, instead of 8:30am, I gotta be at wrk at 7:45am to do preliminary screening of documents. Gahhh, like that's gonna be much use. Most dummies will still be screened out due to litigation or will be asked to leave to obtain documents b4 returning. Singaporeans are that assholic. What is there not to understand by - "I need this document, u gotta bring it down b4 ur loan can be processed?". A logical brain will automatically leave and obtain that document and bring it down... coz it was their own fault to begin with. But an illogical brain, which is what I am facing day in and out, will argue and argue and eventually have no choice but to leave and bring the document down. I dunno what the fuck is wrong with most ppl and I dunno what their problem is, but I'm getting very exasperated having to argue with them and tell explain stuff that doesn't enter their thick skulls. Serves me right for getting into customer service huh? Beats sales though. That I can handle, but wrking with a company that keeps changing procedures and making things increasingly difficult for me is another matter altogether. Itz alredi enuff that I'm wrking with someone who has mood swings... and itz alredi sufficient that I'm attending to fools every single day... now the company has to come out with new stuff that serves no particular purpose. I dunno manx. The only thing I can do now is hang on and see what happens after my contract runs out. At this rate, if things remain the way they are, I don't see myself wrking there much longer than needed. Darn the contract. If I break it now itz a mth's pay penalty =(

Social life... I ain't going out lately. No moolah, no one jioing me out as well. 'Nuff said. r/s wise. Nothing changes. Am just waiting for Sean to pass me a few contacts of lawyers and perhaps I'll have a chat with them sometime soon. I'm just getting increasingly pissed that promises are not fulfilled and I ain't even taken into consideration when decisions are being made. No day passes w/o me thinking of filing a divorce. The question now is, how am I gonna pay for the lawyer. Itz no longer the question of whether I'm going thru' with it or otherwise. Itz pathetic that itz gonna be this way but I don't see another way out. Everyday, he's coming home late. Either due to ot or rain. Convienient excuse huh? Rain. What bullshit. Even the bloody weather forecast says that itz only drizzling over in the west. What can a little rain do to a person? If Ben is made of salt, then ookie, I'll shut up and let the matter rest. All I am doing now is giving him the benefit of the doubt. Thing is, he always comes home late and makes me wait to have dinner with him. Then he'll just eat halfway and claim that he doesn't have the apettite. What I reckon is, he alredi had his dinner outside. It just seems way too coincidental huh? There was a chalet a few dayz back. I nearly walked out on the 1st day. Details, I do not wish to elaborate coz that will cause me to be so pissed that I wouldn't be able to type!!~! Plus promises. He did say that he'll quit wrking at Paradigm in March. But guess what? He's wrking again this weekend... and unless I am mistaken, itz alredi April (or rather, it'll be April tml).

I'm super pissed at myself actually... for not having the courage to just walk away. I am just so afraid of going thru' yet another heartache that I'm giving myself unecessary pressure & stress, trying to maintain this stupid r/s that apparently seems to lead to a dead end. I'm becoming the exact person I used to detest. The kind who doesn't have the guts to walk away... the kind who hangs on to a guy even though the guy doesn't treat her right... the kind who I view as "weak". Itz fucked up that I'm allowing myself to be this weak. Even though I know this, even though I am typing this, there's this sickening feeling that if there's another confrontation, I'll be the one to give in yet again. There seems to be no end to this. I need a soulmate to confide in manx. If not, all this stress will just build up till I fucking explode. I tried talking to Ben about my wrk pressures. He doesn't want to even listen. So whatz the use in having him around? Whatz the use of having a husband who 1. doesn't come home for dinner, 2. doesn't spend quality time with me, and 3. doesn't provide a shoulder for me to lean on. I should just keep a cat if I'm a sucker for that kinda treatment. At least the cat responses with a meow ~

Shady self-destructed @ 18:59

Friday, March 25, 2005

Aaarrrrggghhhhhhh !!!!! I was looking forward to having steamboat @ Happy Pay Steamboat on Wed, but guess what? My bank account balance was so low that I couldn't withdraw any $$. Hence, change of plans, decided to go for a drink instead, after dinner but guess what? I calculated and if I went, I wouldn't have moolah for food tha nxt day. Sux big time huh? When u hit a finnancial brick wall. Well, I suppose I'll be able to last till the end of tha mth and based on calculations, nxt mth's gonna be tight as well -.-" It'll all depend on the approval of a personal loan with my current company then. If that is clear, at least all debts would be settled by nxt mth, then things will be slightly easier for May. If not, then itz gonna be pretty much hell. Gosh, a wedding & a new place really vacuums up resources... if only $$ is more easily earned. If only I had a better paying job. *sigh* If only someone could smoke a little less, alot could actually be saved from cigarette dough. But since that ain't possible coz it is difficult for a smoker to go without cigarettes (based on 1st hand experience *hee hee*) I just wonder if everything will be fine down the road. Hmm... it has to be fine. Guess things will just work out somehow, and I do wish that eventually he'll get his priorities straight. Craps, but I wonder when will it be when I can actually afford to go out again. Go out as in... go out for stuff like a good dinner, movies, clubbing and perhaps do a little shopping of stuff. Am still wondering how to get the $$ for furniture for the new place. Not that I'm worrying myself sick, but itz a bother. Gahhhh ~

Social life is diminishing. So is the time I have left for gaming a day, now that I'm wrking full-time. Job wise, I wonder where will I end up after my contract runs out. Will GE actually extend my contract and offer me a higher pay with benefits? Even if they do, should I stay on with them or look for something else? Hmmm think I'd gotta make my decision well this time. Should I go for the $$ or should I look for job advancement opportunities instead. If the latter, it'll be a problem if I go jobless again. I guess this is why most ppl actually wait till they've established a career before getting married. But since I've already taken the plunge, there is not much of a way back and the best I can do is see how things work out. Like I mentioned, itz a bother. Things are just unconfirmed, undecided and unplanned. Now I wonder, when will I get the chance to do some catching up with friends. Fate does play a big part in how ppl meet. Bumped into an ex-colleague today - I don't know if itz a great thing or otherwise (since I don't really like her that much) but I guess there's no harm in building up another friendship. The thing is, do I have enuff energy and time to commit. Friends are really difficult to maintain as well... and I just hope that at the end of the day, there'll still be some around after what I'm doing lately - cancelling appointments and such. If only....

Ah well, no point thinking too much about uncertainties. Tml is a public holiday. I just hope that it'll be a great day. Think I should start packing up a little of my room. Boy is it messy -.-"

Shady self-destructed @ 01:21

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Humans are all the same. They (especially the male population) lie, they cheat and they insist that they don't. The only difference is how well do they do it. Why can't a person understand that, there is no point lying if he is a bad liar? Fidgeting, failure to establish eye contact, stammering and mumbling - those are typical signs that person is lying in your face. I just can't stand it when it happens. He lies. I ask him a 2nd time, he gets annoyed. lolx. Doesn't he understand that he is a horrible liar? Besides, whatz so difficult in telling me the truth? All I'm asking is how much did he buy the air filter for. At 1st, he told me earlier that he got the air filter when he went down to town, from ah boy's shop. In Jacky's presence, he just said that the filter is actually obtained from his supplier. Itz just apparent that he doesn't want Jacky to pay for it. When I asked him later, how much does it cost, he just said free. Itz like... duhh... if u wanna lie, pls make sure that ur "stories" tally. I ain't some young naive girl who is easily satisfied with a mere lie. It just stinks... the affection he has for his so-called "brother". Sacrificing dinner, just go down to fit an air filter on a bike that he paid for -.-" Yeah, u may say that I'm jealous. I'm just wondering. If Ben is capable of such huge sacrifice for his "brother", I don't see why he can't pamper me occasionally. Face it... everyone likes to be pampered now and then. Everyone likes to feel wanted, loved and beautiful. I am human like everyone else. In fact, I don't even know how much he cares (if he does). How do I trust someone who lies and whose past I know nothing of? Someone who doesn't even treat me the way I should be treated in the 1st place. Itz a wonder that I have yet to reach my limit break right now. I ain't even wearing the ring no more. He doesn't even notice. That should be the biggest mistake I've made in my life so far. To commit to something that goes no where... that only serves to rub my nerves raw. This is a f**king huge contradiction. I want out, but I can't bear to take the step. At times the feelings for him even border to the extent of "hate". Things just sux.

I took "leave" from work today, on pretext of not feeling too well. Gah. I didn't even have my supervisor's number to call. Instead, had to call the agent. Doesn't bode too well on my performance, and I am looking for confirmation to a perm position. Bad mistake. Should have just gone for wrk despite being not in the mood for it. I just hope that I've the willpower to make this my last absence for the contract period (unless I'm really sick). I wonder what impact that the action I took today will have on my chances. *sigh* Went shopping of clothes yesterday evening at that. Plus, I'm really bored now. Should have gone for work. Life is just full of mistakes... one after another. The difference is just the size of the folly.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:43

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Itz funny how things always happen @ the same time and it is bloody irritating when it does. I finally got a job. Yep... itz a contract position for 3mths, with GE Money, wrking at Singpost Bedok branch. Customer service. Ain't too difficult to handle. But ah well, itz my 2nd day today (yesterday was training so 1st day at branch) and it doesn't seem too overwhelming. A little confused at the start but things just fall in place after a little while. Pay-wise ain't exactly what I'm expecting. 1.4k per mth. Think I have the potential to earn more. Problem is... it was the 1st job that got back to me and I've alredi signed the contract before the others I've applied for called -.-" Yesh... itz always like that, isn't it? Totally f**ked up. I bet the one at Alexandra for V-Tech pays more (+ itz more challenging)... then there's this other for a call ctr and research asst. Why can't they call me earlier? Funny though. These are all frm the final batch of resumes I sent out. For the previous batches, there was zlich response... with exception of the dumb insurance agent one. *sigh* But didn't really have a choice. Waiting is a risk. Rather take the 1st one that comes along. Thing is... I'll prolly be back in the same situation 3 mths later... looking for a job. Unless they decide to convert me to perm staff. Hmm... I'll accept if there's a pay rise. lolx. Ah well, will see by then. Just hoping ~

Other than that... life is... the same. No changes. Am still getting pissed on a daily basis by you-know-who, by the same stuff that hath been done over and over again. Nothing changes. I'm just waiting for my feelings to fade I guess. Now itz just too difficult not to give a damn. I'm still always the one who is giving in, am still the one who is always waiting, am still the one who is following with plans and I am still sick of it. It just seems like I am just someone who is in the background, not worth caring about. He doesn't even seem to pay me enuff attention. Well, not much of a choice I have in this matter as well. Time will change things, I hope. The less I care, the less I get pissed, the longer life span I should have. Just making it clear that... if one day, I do have a change of heart... I don't think I'll be the one to blame. Perhaps I should just start seeing other guys again. Give another person a chance & give myself another chance. I really regret getting into this but at this point of time I love him too much to give up. If only the feelings will disappear overnight... then I'll be free. Itz always him who walks out. I am f**king tired of that. Watever. Itz always better to end up with someone who loves u more than you love him/her. In my case, it seems like I'm stuck at the losing end with no way out. Yeah... go ahead, tell him this. Let him know how I've been feeling all long. I bet $100 he doesn't give a f**k.

Shady self-destructed @ 19:12

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Just got home about 1/2hr ago... thatz after a looooong bus ride on 190 from CCK. Came home frm Ben's place. He had to go for his reservist *sigh* I'll be alone for 6 dayz then. Things are gonna get pretty boring w/o him around. Guess I'll just have to see it thru somehow. I wonder if he's gonna miss mi as much as I do him. Wishful thinking I guess. Gah, he shows more attention to his dog than he shows to me. I casually mentioned to him about it and he didn't even bother to defend himself. Shows alot huh? /me mumbles. Anyway, I reckon, 6 dayz are gonna pass soon enuff even though I think I'm gonna spend most of tha time at home either gaming or doing nothing. Which reminds me... gotta drop by Sim Lim one of these dayz. Probably tml or something, to see fi The Sims Varsity is out yet. Thatz gonna keep mi occupied for many hrs. The rest of the time, I'll be either on RO or Neopets. lolx. Yeah I started neopets once again and I'm finding it super difficult now, with the condition of my com. Used to be able to snap up a couple of items frm the shops & a few jobs frm the Faerie employment agency... but now, by the time the page refreshes, everything is gone -.-" Guess itz up to the stupid games to keep mi occupied for say an hr or 2? Those lame games are interesting to play... if u have the time to burn. Hmm... neofriend anyone? Or rather... who doesn't wanna play anymore, donate all the neopoints & items to me heehee =.= Just tried snatching jobs at the agency. Result: failure. gah my com really lets me down at times. It didn't use to be this way. Didn't have problems in the past. Anyway, hopefully once the virus is cleared it'll be better.

Anyway, was mentioning about the bus ride earlier. Itz been aeons since I took such a long bus ride. Frm my home to Orchard is nothing. Reminds me of the dayz when I had to wake up so goddamned early and take 61 down to NP. *shudders* However... such are things that one tends to take for granted. Taking the bus from one place to another. A long journey really prompts ur mind to think - coz u have nothing else betta to do. As usual, there are the selfish ppl who sit on the outer side of the bus, preventing other passengers from sitting down, taking up space. There are those idiots who refuse to move to the back of the bus and keep crowding ard the door. There are those who are snoozing on the bus, using their handfones... well, the majority just looked stonned. Kinda expected, at this time of the day. I was pretty much stonning away myself. After such an absence from a long bus ride, this doth bring back memories... kinda nostalgic feeling. But if u ask if I gonna do that often. Nah. It also brings back the reasons why I do not wanna take public transport in the 1st place. The squeezing with other commuters and the plain feeling of being suffocated in such a small space. Thankfully I had a seat though. If I had to stand all the way, itz gonna suck. *grinx* I can't wait to be back up on my bike. Been about 2 weeks since I actually rode. The rest of the time, Ben was just pillioning me. Will wait a couple of dayz more just in case. Ain't actually supposed to do any strainning activity for now. Doctor's orders. To hell with the doc huh?

Job-wise, will start my applications once again. The one with Strategic Partners ain't gonna work out. I dunno if I am going down for the 3rd interview in the 1st place. I'll probably reject Sharon when she calls me later today. Went for the "business opportunities talk" yesterday. Itz pretty much the selling of an insurance career. Granted that I more or less knew what I was getting myself into, I still went anyway. No harm, since I was f**kiing free. It was a bore. Yeah the insurance industry is one where u can make it big if u put in the hard work. Ain't it the same with all sales stuff? Just that, I don't like doing cold canvassing on the streets. I don't like approaching strangers and all just to get my sales and I don't like having a sales target to meet. Whatz worse, I dun wanna wrk w/o a basic salary. The prospects are there... I do agree, but I just don't think itz something I wanna do for a period of time. Wish me luck in other areas ~

Shady self-destructed @ 09:16

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

+ A r c h i v e s +

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12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009

+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

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