Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Saturday, February 26, 2005

I can't believe this. Locke actually managed to get my back on Shazz for about half hr plus!!~! lolx, all he did was ask mi if my account was still active. I logged on to check, he added me back to Tm and we went for some training at Clock Tower 3 with MogD. Apparently I can't seem to survive alone well on CT3. 1 alarm at a time is fine, but more than that and I'm in serious trouble. Hmm seems like I can't deal enough dmg. Need those minorous cards -.-" Yeah I went with a +5 Zenny Knife and a +4 Triple Bonned Gladius. Not the most efficient set of weaps I should say. Then logged on my smith for a while and was in the midst of clearing my inventory when I got dc from the server. Gah. At least I got all the extra weaps + armour outta the way. Now to get rid of all the loot - when I ever do log on again. Tempted to train my assassin a little more though... since she needs only about another 15% to lvl up. I seriously need to spend some more time on Shazz if I wanna lvl up and contribute to the guild. lolx. I just wonder how long will this temptation to play last... with TS2 Varsity coming out in another week. Games games games... if only I have enuff drive to start one and complete it b4 proceeding to another. Come to think of it... for the original Sims, I haven't even explored all the possiblities of each expansion. Especially superstar. I have yet to create the perfect one and I have yet to move any family down to Magic Town. Perhaps I'll do that when I get my com fixed. Perhaps...

Went for a 2nd interview today, with strategic partners. Itz for a management trainee position. Hmm itz said that they would call me down for a 3rd interview by today if I'm selected. Itz like 2:30pm now... ppl should have knocked off by now. I wonder if I'll get a call on Monday though. Not that I'm super interested in a job, but it seems to be a good experience if I do take it up. It does involve sales and all though... since itz linked with Prudential. *sigh* Sales again. Itz the events management part that caught my attention actually... plus there seems to be room for career advancement. I still would prefer sticking to a customer svc related job though. Dunno, whatever that fills my pocket with moolah. The dough is running out and I have still stuff that I wanna do - like get a haircut, an extension of my tribal dragon and/or a new tattoo. Plus there's gonna be bills to pay and all that once I stop living with my parents. Loads of things to think about actually... just that I don't exactly wanna burden my brain with so much thought. Plus, who would complain about having enuff spending dollars?

Oh yeah... one thing, just coz a blog is up for all to read, doesn't mean that specific ppl get to read it or specific ppl get to know the information thatz posted on. /me shrugx. Anyway, doesn't matter. Stuff ain't copyrighted anyway and itz up to the reader to believe me or otherwise - not that I care much =) Just pretty annoyed by ppl who spread things ard. Then again, itz human nature to gossip, ain't it? I would probably do the same thing. But fuck it manx... life ain't gonna change no matter what... things can't be undone & decisions made can't be reversed - though I do wish that I had made some better decisions. Yesh, somehow I went thru the ROM on the 24th. I just have this feeling that I've made the worst mistake of my life. I thought things would change. Things don't. They're just the same as before. I've tried lowering my expectations of him... but I guess expecting someone to be responsible ain't that big a thing huh? It just happened again today. Told me that he would be meeting me for lunch. Itz 3pm now. He's still at wrk and won't be back anytime soon. And he didn't call me to inform me. I had to call him. Yesterday, due to his dental appointment + ot... I didn't get to eat till dinnertime. I missed breakfast & lunch thanx to him and his lack of planning... hmm should I say, lack of determination to follow thru' plans? Whatz the use of making plans then. Whatz the use of telling me that he'll have lunch only for me to find out, when I call him, that lunch is gonna be skipped again? F**k it manx. I shouldn't have married a person like this.

And I should have asked my mom to buy lunch back for me earlier, when she asked. Or perhaps I should have just gone out for lunch with my friends when I was asked. All it takes is a person to totally screw up my day, screw up my life... coz he just ain't responsbile enuff. No mood to blog anymore. If only time can be turned back. I would have left that day & never returned. I should not have returned due to a softness of heart. Emotions are truly, a person's downfall.

Shady self-destructed @ 15:07

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Why does it seem so difficult to get a job (with exception of F&B) these dayz? I've sent out like 20+ resumes and got one 1 response... that was for a call to an interview 2 weeks ago and there was no answer since then -.-" Granted that I've been occupying my entire time simming - am messing ard with genetics rite now, but I think that I do need a job soon b4 I decompose. Plus, w/o a job, there's gonna be huge problems with the renovation loan, furniture purchase... etc. Just my misfortune to not get a husband rich enuff to support me =P Not only he ain't rich enuff to provide me with a comfortable lifestyle, he ain't even romantic enuff *sigh* Another thingy that hath been bothering me is... the pain in my tummy. The operation took place about one week now and since yesterday, I've been having this weird pain. Plus, itz starting to bleed anew. The blood flow ain't too bad but it should have stopped by now. Gah... plus the entire procedure was hell. I was even hoping that I'd die rather than go thru' all that pain. Thank goodness itz over... I just hope that there ain't any complications or such. Am not really in the mood for all these stuff. Mentally-wise, I am feel sore. Sore that he ain't around on that day... sore that I am the one who hath to go thru all that physical agony... sore that... well, basically he gets away w/o much problem. My mum was the one who paid for the surgery, not him. I dunno. What I'm hoping now is that somehow everything will work out by itself & that life will return to normal? Though how "good" is normal, I do not know & I don't really wanna hope.

Shady self-destructed @ 18:11

Thursday, February 17, 2005

After a week's break - CNY "holiday" - am back to sending out resumes. With luck, I should get a job by the end of this mth? With alot of luck that is. *mumbles* Coz w/o a job, I'll probably decompose very soon. Anyway The Sims 2: Varsity is due to be released on the 1st of March... I wonder if the release date is meant to be worldwide or is it just for the States. Will go down to Sim Lim on that day to check it out anyway. Read the reviews on the official website, on gamespot and all that, tempts me to buy the game even more. Heh, resorted to using the boolprop cheat to get a male sim pregnant and now there are 3 alien babies in my neighbourhood, with another on the way =) Apparently, for varisty, there's this entire new varsity town to move a young adult sim in. There'll be new jobs to do, new career paths to open... even stuff to major in university. One thing though, itz based on the American system of skooling so I ain't sure about some of the stuff like sorority, sophomore... etc. Hmm... anyway whatever. Any further I ramble on about the Sims will just make it seem as if I am doing free advertising for them. lolx. But hell, am badly looking foward to getting my hands on it. I wonder if the com's system can support it with all the new stuff and such. I need to upgrade my own, come to think of it... and get it formatted (just ran the Gaobot remover again and got another file fixed + some viral activity terminated... gah) -.-"

Hmm... anyway, will be making my way down to the hospital tml. I wonder how the procedure is gonna be like. I mean, duh, they did brief mi about it... but I think itz gonna be different when I actually go thru it. Ben couldn't take leave. Couldn't, or didn't want to... I really don't feel like pressing on any further. Anyway, itz history now so I guess I should just move on. Mom somehow found out about it... but going thru' the stuff on my table w/o respecting my privacy and she's gonna take leave for tml to accompany me down. Much as I detest her for going thru my stuff, am glad that she didn't really kick up a big fuss. Anyway she's pissed off at Ben too. Who wouldn't be? Even Sy who went down with mi for my previous checkup was pissed off with him, when he couldn't take leave. I mean itz like... fuck off manx... if he really wanted to go, he would have went no matter what - even if it means that he's gotta resort to taking an MC. Well... he can just go to hell for all I care rite now. I just wish that in my nxt life I would be reborn as a male so I wouldn't need to go thru' all this shite. At least the guilt will no longer be there. Apparently, during my last checkup, the results were that the foetus is alredi dead. Keeping it ain't longer an option. Wonder if I should be glad or upset about this /me shrugx.

Ah well... everything can go burn in Hell. I'll be alive... unfortunately.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:58

Monday, February 14, 2005

Rite. CNY hath come & gone. The past week hath been like an emotional roller coaster - ranging between boredom and relief. Yeah, 2 not very positive emotions when put together. There were times... times too many to count that I felt really sick & tired being with Ben, and more than once I had thought of just giving it up totally. I really hated him at some points, felt indifferent at some & at times, it was alright. Frankly, I don't even know why I am with him anymore. I think I still do love him... and I can't really bear to see him go, but on the other hand, I just wish that he would cease to exist & be totally wiped outta my memory banks. It was a frustration, I tell u. Being dragged from one relative's place to another... even worse when the relative ain't urs to begin with. And know what'z the best part? When over there, he didn't even really bother to introduce me. Yeah, thatz the best part. CNY's eve, was dragged down to Chinatown to squeeze with the crowd. Squeezing was one thing I don't exactly like. I didn't lose my patience, but did. When he did, I just lost mine as well. CNY 1st day, I wanted to watch a movie, he said okay... but he dragged his friends along -.-" CNY 2nd day, he dragged me to a ktv pub at nite with his friends. Then there was going to his friends' house as well. Itz like... wth?! Why bother asking me if itz apparent that I gonna be bored & when I am bored I get grouchy. Those dayz were trying... frankly, I don't even know how I got past them. If that ain't enuff, listen. Friday nite, it was off to Zen's chalet. Over there, I just sat down and watched while Ben played majong. I don't even know what'z going on. I left to take a walk outta pure boredom, he didn't even bother to ask me where I went - frankly, I doubt he even noticed that I'm gone. Sat, he dragged me down to Sentosa to ride horses. Okay, he was riding. I was waiting. What wonderful dayz. Yesterday, it was off to the zoo. The bloody zoo. 'nuff said.

Here's the prize-winner. Today is the 14th of February. Valentine's Day. Supposedly our 1st Valentine's Day together and guess what? He tells me that he has to do ot and will be home late. Applause pls. And he tells me that even before he goes down to work, before he knows what he's supposed to do today. More applause, thank you. So tell me, is he psychic? That he just knows that he's gonna do ot today, of all dayz? Or tell me... are u thinking what I am thinking? That he's just plain lying, and that he's going out with someone else? I mean... how the fuck can u be so sure that u will be doing ot even before u go down to work? Plus, u can be so sure that u'll be home by 9+ today? Since when ot is like err... fixed, if u get what I mean. If that ain't enuff. He brought the new ogk helmet down to work today. He was the one who said that he'll never wear that unless itz to go out somewhere (coz itz new & he doesn't want it to get scratched). He pretty much stabbed himself in the foot by bringing it out today. I don't believe in coincidences. Well, I used to... till Ben. It just seems that with him, there are too many coincidences to believe - things just seem to happen at times till it gets so predictable. ot when I ask him to go out with my friends. ot when there are special occasions to "celebrate". ot when he ain't in a good mood. I think hope just flew outta the window. All males are the same, who am I trying to kid by trying to believe that perhaps Ben is different? I am so bloody tempted to hire a PI to follow him around. There just too many loopholes in his stories. Too many stories to even blog about.

Basically its about $$. He just has these "bills" and stuff that he has to pay for every mth. And for everything, I don't see the receipts, the invoices, or I don't see why he has to pay for them. One example? He just says that he has to settle this outstanding phonebill incurred in the past - when a friend used his name to open a handfone line & disappeared without paying the bill. For that itz a few hundred every mth. Ookie... but know what? I never got to see the bill invoice. I've asked him for it, he never produced it. So where does the $$ go to? For a person like him, I think itz highly possible that he has a personal phone line that he doesn't tell me about. Ain't I being too suspicious? Err not exactly. Coz when we were friends and we went out as friends, I clearly remember him carrying 2 handphones & using them both. But he claims that he only has one line. I just didn't confront him saying that I saw him using 2 once. If only there is some way that I can check from the various mobile providers a person's bill by using that person's IC number. So what does he do with the other line? Who else is in the picture actually? What else is he keeping from me and not letting me know?

*nod nod* itz pretty obvious that I don't trust him. Perhaps I do have an overly-suspicious mind. Then again, can anyone blame me for such thoughts when such actions prompt my brain to think? I've been betrayed before... by someone I put alot of trust in. So how can anyone expect me to totally trust someone whose stories are filled with loopholes & who comes out with coincidental ots on certain days? Itz like, he's starting to get predictable. As to why am I still with him. How the fuck would I know? I've thought of letting go... really... but somehow I still can't do it. At times when I am indifferent towards him, coz I am just so tired of it all, he just sticks to me like glue. My heart will relent eventually, much as I try to ignore. I know I am gonna regret it if I gonna go thru' with the ROM ceremony nxt week. Am just keeping my fingers crossed, that things will come clear b4 then. That my suspicions will be proven - that will be unforgivable. That will be the final element in the equation. Hate is the perfect emotion to steel the heart & follow the rational mind. I just hope that I manage to collect enough of that before I do something I'll really regret in the future.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:04

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Uhmmm errr... Happy Lunar New Year? Itz the Year of the Chicken. I dominate. muahahah ~ Oookie ookie CNY ain't all that bad. There are stuff that I'm looking forward to as well. For instance, the steamboat reunion dinner tonite, then there'll be the red packets to collect + the goodies I gonna eat at my relatives' place. Oh yeah, tml, my grandma's place. She does mee sua real good. Gotta get her to teach me someday =) Gosh, am starting to feel so hungry even thinking of all the stuff I gonna eat for CNY. I wonder whatz for dinner tml.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:35

Monday, February 07, 2005

Itz Monday once again - start of a brand new week of... boredom. *cheers* well CNY is just around the corner, in fact it starts like 2 dayz frm now. I bet I ain't gonna enjoy it. I never liked CNY with exception of the goodies... the sweets, the ba kwa, the snacks. Other than that, itz a pain visiting relatives. Now that my dad doesn't have a car, I think the pain is gonna be intensified. Imagine taking public transport during the festive season? Riding ard alone ain't that kewl an idea either. I'd rather... find some place to decompose. Hmm... Ben said that he'll watch a movie with me during that period. I think I'd rather not believe what he said since he doesn't really seem to deliver all that he promises. Reunion dinner would be at his place, then itz off to Chinatown. The thought of squeezing with the crowd kinda sux though. *mumbles* Think I'll have my haircut after CNY. This period go cut hair think I gonna wait for aeons. Oh yeah, I have yet to finish my CNY shopping. Don't really have new clothes so guess I'll be "recycling" some older ones that relatives have yet to see =) Went down to Queensway last weekend and only managed to pick up a single t-shirt. The nice ones don't have my size -.-" Same problem with Beach Road - just went down yesterday. *sigh* It would just be better if I was born a guy. At least clothes won't be that difficult to select. Coz all looks the same.

Had this thought for a pretty long time already - that I'll be better off born as a male. In any cases, being a female in society, u lose out. u are condemned to be affected by more stereotypes than the male... and plus, itz a patriarchal society, 'nuff said. Even in a r/s, girls lose out. Girls are just born to be 2nd-rate as compared to males... just look, in a marriage, the girl is the one who has to change her surname. Whatz the logic in that? Itz also proven tat whatever a guy says carries more weight. When in actual fact, guys lie more than girls. Itz just... unfair.

Hmmm just had more negative comments about the GBA flash cart. Apparently saved games don't work properly after the cart hath been plugged out frm the gameboy. I have yet to prove that theory coz am back to playing pokemon: Ruby. Itz just that, the thought of my Harvest Moon saved game disappearing kinda sux. Monster Rancher hath alredi disappeared twice & I think I'll give up playing that. The Sims on GBA is boring. Should erase that too. Ah well, will just get my com fixed up 1st, then I'll reinstall that stupid MagicFlash USB thingy and try loading new games into the cart. Gahhh what a lousy brand of flash cart. Apparently the one Kenneth is using doesn't seem to cause much problems. Arggghh don't wannt think about it. I don't feel like blogging anymore. Don't even know what to type. I wonder how am I gonna live thru the rest of today... evening gotta wash bike with Ben & Jacky. I just hate Jacky.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:49

Saturday, February 05, 2005

I need a haircut. Just went to dry my hair & realised that itz totally messed up -.-" no thanx to the bugger @ Jln Bukit Merah who trimmed my hair. Smart move manx... damn smart. I asked u for a trim, while retaining the layers, what did u do? u just cut the top part of my hair... so the top is like so goddamned short that itz bouncing ard, I can't tie it down, coz it ain't longer long enuff, and the bottom is still as wild & messy as ever. With exception that u did chop off parts of the end, making it kinda straight. I wonder how do ppl like this manage to open a hair salon. This actually took place last weekend. Never complained till now coz I didn't go out hence didn't realise the full extent of the damage!!~! Yesh... I don't have a life. I don't even get to step outta the house much, thanx to a certain someone now. *nod nod* The best alternative for me rite now, to even forget that I am attached. Treat it as if I am single. Yesh, boredom is much easier to bear when u are alone. Doesn't make much of a difference actually, come to think of it. He is never ard when I need him, especially on weekends, when couples are going out & all that. I'm either at home or out with my friends like how it used to be b4 he came into my life. The only impact he has - increasing the amount of stress & waiting in my very existence. Itz all just a test of patience. Now he says that ot is gonna end ard 5+. Frankly, I don't think so. It'll end ard 9+, just in time for him to go down to work again. I am so sick & tired of him that I wish that I would wake up one day & realise that itz been all a nightmare & that I'm still happily single w/o anyone on my mind... w/o anyone to care for... and that everything didn't happen after all ~

Shady self-destructed @ 14:00

"In the name of God, impure souls of the living dead shall be banished into eternal damnation. Amen."

Nosferatu Alucard. Intersting concept of a modern day vampire who uses guns. The "pet vampire" of one Hellsing Association - objective to destroy all impure life forms. Kinda weird though, itz more of cannabalism if u think of it. Vampire destroying other vampires... though his reasons for doing so are that the ones he destroy do not deserve to live... being "low grade" creatures. /me shrugx. Itz an interesting anime all the same. Wonder why in the world did I leave it till now to watch. Guess I just didn't have the "kick" back then, or was I too busy with something else (say Ragnarok Online)? Ever since my com got ravaged by those viruses, I kinda lost the mood for any more online gaming. Itz just a pain in the ass... the lag + not to mention, the time it takes for the com just to boot up.

Ah well, whatever it is, itz the weekend once again. And once again I don't have many plans for it - besides shopping @ Queensway later with monkey & ellone. Hmm sometimes I wonder, do I look forward to the weekends or the weekdays. Either way I'm destined to be bored. *sigh* Consider consider. Yeah, there's alot of thinking to be done lately. There are couple of decisions of make & I don't really like putting myself into such situations. Well... he promised that he'll quit Paradigm after the renovation loan & all is settled. I hope he stays true to his word. Even my parents are asking me to reconsider everything. But seriously, what is there to reconsider? I know he might not exactly be The One... then again, how can anyone be sure? Gahhhh I guess the only thing I'm hoping for rite now is, for me to get a bloody job... and take all this free time off my hands. Coz am seriously decomposing rite now. A few more painful hrs...

Great... u are supposed to go shop for new year clothes with me and now u tell me u have OT. Plus u don't have the courtesy to tell me beforehand... u gotta wait till I call u to let me know. Thanx alot for ur negligence & lack of responsibility. Plus ain't it coincidental that u have OT today? And ain't it coincidental that ur OT is gonna end around 5-6pm, just in time for the dinner @ Paradigm? Good for u then... if u didn't want to go shopping with me & just wanted to go for the dinner, u should have told me the truth and not make up this OT shit. Plus u promsied that u'll cook omelette fried rice for me today. Hmmm... come to think of it, I guess tomorrow is cancelled as well. u'll just say u are too tired to go to Sentosa or something. Or even if u do go, u'll be just there sleeping like a log on the beach. Whatz the difference if I go alone then? The question is why make promises you don't intend to keep? I guess... on the 15th, something will "coincidentally" crop up again and I have to go down to the hospital alone. Itz always this way, isn't it? That something comes up "the last minute". Thanx alot. I appreciate that.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:32

Friday, February 04, 2005

Finally I received a call for an interview. Itz like, I sent out so many resumes but I had no response. Hmm... this one is for some sistic counter thingy. Ah well, anything will do I suppose. Anything to get rid of those boredom that hath been plaguing me ever since I quit. *sigh* Yesterday he called me out while he was at work... once again, itz apparent how free he actually can be. Today, again he's "too busy" to even drop me an SMS. I still don't understand. How can anyone be so busy till he/she doesn't have time to SMS? A single SMS doesn't take more than a few seconds... are u telling me that u've been too busy to smoke, too busy to pee, too busy to even take a break? If thatz really how it is... then ookie, I'll accept that. But u are a driver, how about when the traffic lights turn red? Ahhh food for thought, ain't it? I guess it all depends on how bothered a person is to send the SMS. This train of thought sounds so familliar, think I've mentioned this b4. *sigh* Nothing changes ehx? Perhaps I should stop hoping that the other party changes and get used to it. Like someone once told me... if I expect less frm a person, I'll be happier. /me shrugx. Am alredi expecting the minimum, thatz the problem ~ so everyday I'm resigned to the fact that I'm waiting and waiting for phone calls. More of the "I'll call you back". F**k it, perhaps I should just hang up my fone & console myself that he did call, just that I wasn't able to pick it up or hear the fone ring? When actual fact, he didn't call -.-"

Welcome to my life ~

Shady self-destructed @ 13:08

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

If being bored ain't enough... imagine this. My mom is yelling at the top of her voice in the kitchen while creating alot of banging sounds... yelling at the cat -.-" Apparently the cat pooped all over the place or managed to overturn her litter tray or something. I dunno. Just the other day, she toppled the entire rubbish bin. Gah, at this rate, I dunno how much longer will my mum put up with that animal. Don't really wish to send her to the SPCA though. *sigh* Just had another thought... Chinese New Year is coming soon. More boredom is lined up for me. F**k manx, I really dread the idea of visiting, reunion dinner... etc. Granted that there'll be ang pow to collect but itz just gonna be a pain in the ass. The noise, the "festive mood", the rowdy relatives... oh gawd. I just wish that I can disappear. I don't understand y ppl like parties, "re nao". Itz like wtf. I am alredi bored. Thatz enuff. Now gimme some peace.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:43

*yawn* I don't even know why am I alive. I seem to be just wasting away, waiting for time to pass me by. Looking forward to nothing in particular. Itz just that the mornings & noons are the more difficult times to pass - once evening hits, more or less it'll be okay. Lucky you, u are "busy"... so busy that u don't even bother to respond to my sms. Guess thatz just the way it is. I've sent my resumes. So far, no one hath called except one for some recruitment consultant. I didn't even go for that interivew coz the person told mi that doing sales will be involved - I don't really wish to do any sales anymore, after that HSBC stint. Sometimes I think, perhaps I should not have quit. At least if I didn't quit, I'll have something definite to do everday & time wouldn't pass so slowly. Which brings me to the question - why is anyone alive? ppl live... they work for food... they work to survive... by surviving they have so much time on their hands and they work more. Itz kinda a stupid circle don't u think? Keeping urself alive just so u can work? Itz like... huh? There's really no point in living. *sigh* There's no point in SMS anyway... there's always no response. Perhaps I should just throw away the fone.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:09

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Just read a few of my old posts frm my blog's archive. I can't imagine how much I must have forgotten about what happened the past few mths alredi. Hmm... apparently a few mths back, I'm in the same situation as I am in rite now. Ah well, doesn't matter. Time passes by pretty fast. Itz almost a year since I 1st started blogging already. Am watching episodes of "Witch Hunter Robin" rite now, intending to finish up the anime by today - should have done so a long time ago. Then I'll proceed to "Hellsing" before downloading anything else. Those 2 have been in my com for more than a year already... downloaded it when I had Kazaa... and it was a very long time since I deleted Kazaa. Itz amazing where procrastination can lead me. On one of my blog issues, I did type something regarding .hack://infection. Yeah I should have completed that game a long time ago, but I didn't. Guess what? I don't even know if the game is any longer in my posession. lolx. Perhaps I'll just go take a look before I start playing Shadow Hearts Convenant. I wonder when will I get the other games back... even when I do, when will I start playing them. At least, I gotta complete what I have now, to free up memory block space. I am such a sloth. My attention span is so limited that nothing interests mi for a time sufficient for it to be completed. Gahh!~! Guess I'd better act on impulse then, before the flame dies away. Alright, back to anime b4 I lose the kick to watch it & leave it for another few mths.

Shady self-destructed @ 15:56

Was so bored that I actually downgraded to looking at online flash files. Ookie, here's one pretty cute one BRB gotten off a thread frm Movie Xclusive's forum. Gah... I am bored and I have a feeling that someone's gonna come up with overtime tonite. *yawn* I need a life.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:26

Itz the beginning of yet another day. Itz gonna be long & dreadful like all others - somehow I know that. *sigh* Gotta force myself to send out a couple of resumes after I finish blogging. Gotta get that done... but guess what? I keep getting this pop out error that my computer is infected with W32.HLLW.Gaobot. Am running this fix from Symantec but I doubt it would work since that one is apparently for another version of Gaobot. In the meantime, the popups are pissing the hell out me. After this, am gonna try Panda Active Scan. F**k it manx. Things just like to screw up all the time. Hmmm the symantec scan is done. As expected, the variant ain't found on my computer. Gahhh... now I just hope that the active scan thingy will do the job. Such bloody viruses/trojans are irritating the hell outta me. When I get a new PC, I gonna invest in a reliable firewall + whatever that might prevent such infections. Why do such things even exist in the 1st place? Why can't the world just be a simple place to live in w/o any complications? Just when I have sufficient motivation to send out a couple of resumes -.-" Hmm... who am I kidding? If I can still blog while the fix tool is running, am sure I can send out a few emails as well. Ookie, will try doing that after I am done. After everything is completed, I wonder what am I gonna do for the rest of the day. There's a limit to how many hrs I can spend with the PC or the PS2. Much as I adore gaming, I can't do that the whole day, every single day. I need to go out, but I have no idea where to go & what to do.

These dayz, time is crawling away - so slow that itz getting annoying to even wake up in the morning. I never intended to wake up this early. Itz some asshole who called my home, and told mi that itz the wrong number. If that ain't bad enuff, that asshole called twice. Ben pissed mi off yet again. He didn't pick up my phone calls... and he didn't respond to my SMS for about 2hrs. When he called mi back, he sounded snappy. Itz like... f**k manx, how would I know u are busy or something? I did SMS him and tell him to call mi back when he ain't. Then he should call when he ain't and not when he still is & sound irritated. That's it manx. If only there is a way to prevent myself from wanting to call him during his wrk hrs. When I don't do that, he'll ask why I don't. Itz a bloody lose-lose situation for me actually ~ when he feels like it, he is nice... when he isn't, he just isn't. I just don't think thatz very fair. Plus he ain't the only one with irritations. The PC is alredi pissing the hell outta me. Furthemore, there's still the problem of promises not being kept. We were supposed to go get a joint account together. That'll be during his wrking hrs, no choice... coz the bank closes pretty early. Just when we are supposed to do this, suddenly, he has "colleagues" in his van & suddenly he "doesn't need to go town". I don't deny that it might actually be true, but coincidences don't exactly happen this often ehx? Everytime when there's something that has to be done, he will have something else cropping up @ the last minute. So what am I supposed to do? According to him, I gotta stay at home & wait for his bloody phone call if he happens to be in the mood to get things done. I am so tired of this. I wouldn't feel this way if all long I think that he's busy. Thing is... I've been ard when he wrks, and I know how free he actually is lohx !!~! While "out on a job" he can park somewhere and take a nap, he can drop by Jacky's place to relax, he can meet Alvin out for coffee... u tell mi why is he suddenly so "not free"? Got a good mind to hire a P.I. to just find out wth he's actually doing when he's supposed to be wrking. There's another thing about dinner. He promised that he would bring me down to Breks for dinner someday... am still waiting for it.

I wonder how he would feel if tables were turned. I have a good mind to find a job with working hours that conflict directly with his. Then again... I have this inkling. If I do that, he'll just find a part-time job at nite & claim that itz coz he has nothing else to do while I'm wrking. Then the plan will just backfire on me. Itz a wonder that my patience is still holding & I am still going thru with the ROM thingy. *sigh* Why can't I just walk away, much as I wish to? Why can't I just give up hope that things aren't going to change? Not even after we live together? He's the way he is... and I can't accept him the way he is. Why can't I accept the fact that we are just not meant to be? Why am I still hoping that he'll change somehow?

Shady self-destructed @ 13:01

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

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+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

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