Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Friday, December 31, 2004

Just got back from the doctor with more medicine + an mc for the day. *sigh* I wonder what am I gonna do for tha rest of the day. Someone just said that he'll call me back. Yeah "someone". Itz pretty obvious who I am referring to rite now... and as usual he'll take a frigging long time to do so, that is if he does. Well, whatever. Numbness is what I feel. Come to think of it, the past few dayz have been quite a mess. Everything was done impromtu, w/o much planning or even considering. Granted that I'm the kinda person who does stuff on the impluse... I wonder if this time I hath pushed my luck too far, coz this time the commitment is much heavier & there doesn't seem to be a backdoor out of all this. It just seems like everything is rushed into. I don't know, at this moment, if I would regret anything but something tells me that I'll probably will - years... or maybe even mths down the road. Basically I have yet to make up my mind about this relationship but yet I am doing such stuff on tha spur of the moment. If stuff screws up, itz gonna screw up big time, and almost all aspects of my life will screw at the same time. Aarrrgghhhhhh I am sick & tired of thinking. The past few dayz hath deprived me of sleep as well & I don't respond positively to that. Decisions are made also, with a mind under the influence of drugs. F**k it manx, seriously. Today is the eve of a brand new year. But I won't be spending countdown with the person that matters a great deal in my life - and he doesn't seem bothered about it. *shrugx* So be it then...

Shady self-destructed @ 10:56

Thursday, December 30, 2004

I am sick. This time it'z for real. Probably due to the accumulation of lack of sleep + the cold weather thru the nite + having to wrk past my normal hrs today. I was feel alright, just cold & having a sore throat, all the way till morning. When I went back, started to feel feverish but b4 I could get much sleep, was disturbed by Ben... after that had to go for a facial & didn't exactly get home till 5+pm. Only then did I lie down to sleep. If that ain't enuff, I was disturbed on and off again... anyway Ben went home to talk to his parents about matters & I stayed home. No point following him and there's no point keeping him here either. Yeah, he doesn't exactly take care of me when I'm sick. He just hovers around, doing his own stuff... and his fone wakes mi up now and then over and over again. Thatz y I think I'm better off alone for tha nite. He said he'll be back to watch Smackdown with me. Hmmm we shall wait and see huh? Anyway, informed Jovan that I ain't feeling too good so I might just be taking an MC for tml. Not that I'll have anywhere to go... but at least I'll be able to remain in dreamland & perhaps recover. Sux manx... to think that everyone is out for countdown parties and I'm rotting at home alone. The not going out part is fine, but the being alone part is kinda "loser" if u get what I mean. But f**k it... itz been this way for tha past few years & tradition ain't about to discontinue. For now, I just hope that the phlegm in my throat will disappear. Itz sooooo difficult to speak. Zzz

Shady self-destructed @ 19:55

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

If the saying "no rest for the wicked" runs true, I wonder what the f**k have I done to deserve this? I went to bed approx at 9:30am, after a long nite at wrk. From 10am onwards, I've been disturbed by either phone calls or ppl coming over to my place at saying 15min-1/2hr intervals. From 9:30am till now, I should have gotten 3hrs of good sleep, but all I get was staggered rest, making mi feel so frustrated now that I'm opting for lunch b4 I try sleeping again. If I knew this gonna happen, I wouldn't have went for the 2nd viewing or signed the papers last nite. Sleep is precious. If I am totally off today, I don't mind... coz I can always catch up on my snooze. But nooooo... I'm wrking the graveyard shift again tonite. I'm gonna be exhausted... even though it beats the morn shift no matter what. Now I just hope that lunch comes soon -.-"

Shady self-destructed @ 13:01

/me yawns and stretches. Just taken my bath and am feeling pretty refreshed rite now... even though I am tired. Kinda contradicting huh? Anyway, I just finished my 1st graveyard shift not too long ago. Time passed pretty okay for the graveyard hrs. Tha worst is still tha morn shift, despite having alot of slack time. I just happened to think last nite, I wonder how am I gonna handle the staff manx. I seem to have a problem telling ppl to do stuff... most of the time I make it seem like a request. But frm what I see Jovan & Joell do, they make it seem like an order. I don't know which way is betta. Just that, so far, both ways... things get done. Perhaps thatz just what matters eventually huh? Ugh... thing is last nite, Sabrina was doing stuff that she shouldn't exactly be doing during wrk hrs but I found it sooooo difficult to actually tell her off. Eventually I did, but like i mentioned, it wasn't easy at all. Gah, at times she can be pretty annoying as well. All I wanted to do for a period of time was stone but she kept talking to me, about stuff that I have zlich interest in and ask mi questions to which I can't answer. The new supervisor didn't turn up today... apparently he won't be able to make it during these 2 dayz which means I'll prolly not get to wrk with him till a long way down in tha future. He's doing perm graveyard shift & I am more or less perm morning. Ah well... whatever.

Hmmm anyway the verdict, after questioning, he claimed that he fell sick the day rite after we played with the cat -.-" Frankly... I don't remember that but I guess I would give him the benefit of the doubt? Anyway went for a 2nd viewing of the Bt. Panjang flat yesterday and the papers are signed. Well obviously there's still leeway to back out within the nxt 14 dayz so I guess this period will be a very crucial time. I have to really asess all the factors invovled and make up my mind if he's the right one for me & if I am willing to spend tha rest of my life with him. *nod nod* After all that is said & done, after all the complains I have about him, I still do love him... I am so goddamned weak aren't I? I just hope that he's prepared for commitment on his part & that he ain't doing this just outta the sake of doing so. Yesh, my mind still hath its doubts but there's nothing I can. Will just let nature take itz course?

Shady self-destructed @ 09:34

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Ain't she a babe? Doesn't look a little like a stray cat at all huh? Well... apparently she ran into Ah Liang's house and they intended to keep the cat but dad didn't allow & threatened to throw the cat out. So Loon passed it over to me and I'm pretty glad about it =) Have been wanted to keep a cat of my own for a very very long time alredi & now finally I've gotten one!!~! The only thing I feel guilty about is that I gotta leash her to the window grille in the kitchen to prevent her frm running ard the house & getting her fur on everything. Itz for her own safety as well coz there are applicances around and such. /me shrugx. Will be going out to get some toys for her when I get the time. Loon is gonna go with me and bring her to the vet after the new year for check ups and stuff. Wonder how old she is. Seems pretty young to me. Ah Liang and the rest calls her Meow Meow but I ain't too sure if thatz the name I would wanna stick with. Sounds kinda cliche ehx? A cat named meow meow (lolx, yeah loon is gonna kill me when he reads this). Ah well, till I think of a better name for her. Glad that she seems to like playing with my toy mouse... darn, itz supposed to be a cat's toy anyway. Wonder why I bought it. lolx

I wonder how Ben is gonna adapt to that. His asthma seems to be acting up again + he's allergic to cat fur. Hmm... perhaps itz the perfect time for him to go home & not come over to my place so often... so perhaps slowly I'll let the relationship fade away. I was pretty worried about him earlier though, when he was put on the inhaler thingy at tha clinic. Hmm, he's still wrking at Paradigm now. I wonder what time will he be getting back. Said he'll get off at 1am... but u know him... he's the kind who doesn't really deliver what he promises. Anyway ~ I just hope that the fur doesn't affect him too badly so as long as he doesn't get into direct contact with the cat. Come to think of it... I wonder if thatz a lie as well. I still remember the last time when I went out for coffee with KP @ Bukit Batok, I had a cat lie on my lap and he was stroking it all tha way. So yeah, I think it shouldn't be too bad a case. He has a habit of over-dramatising stuff - trying to impress the ppl around him & frankly, at times I dunno what he says is real and otherwise. Even the license thingy. I found his driving license in his wallet. yesh. When he claims that his license is with the traffic police after he got another letter for speeding. Guess he ain't that honest a guy afterall ehz? Well, I'll question him about the previous time, the incident with the cat when he goes over... that is if he comes over. Don't wanna keep hoping for things that don't happen anymore. And till now, my r/s with him is still a question mark. We just haven't directly broken up as yet. Sooner or later itz gonna happen. For now, I dun give a f**k.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:53

Monday, December 27, 2004

Things are just so messed up. Am supposed to go for a viewing later with Ben but somehow I just don't feel like doing so. Met up with him earlier while he was in town doing his rounds and we hardly spoke. I just said that I was tired. Yeah... I really am tired. Both physically & mentally. I am just so drained that I don't feel like seeing him anymore. Made up my mind to just break it off this morning. What sparked this determination again? Simple. He had a sore throat yesterday... the entire day he was grouchy, showed mi a black face & lost his patience over and over again. There is a limit that I can take manx. If that ain't bad enuff, he sent mi to wrk (late) and w/o even a goodbye, he sped off. /me shrugx. Even Joell & Jovan told me to let go. According to Joell... he ain't that great a guy so I should be holding on so tightly despite being hurt again & again. Come to think of it, it was almost the same thing Sean told mi as well. And itz close to what my brains keep stating to me. As what Joell said, it is not impossible for me to find a guy better than him - in terms of looks & character. That I should find someone who loves me more than I love him and treats me a hell lot better. *sigh* The only problem is, the one who hath my heart is Ben... and I am finding it so difficult to let go. Well ~ anyway, he's saying that since I'm wrking nite shifts the nxt 2 nites, he wouldn't be meeting mi the nxt 2 dayz. So be it then. I'll take that time to let the r/s cool off & wither by itself. I just can't bring up the topic of breaking up and stick with it. I'll just let it die off itself. In the meantime, I'll try to be as passive as I can & not bother about him anymore. I just hope that it'd be easier.

Anyway wrk is getting interesting. Itz just been barely 2 weeks and alredi there are politics going on + staff getting involved with each other. Heh, I enjoy knowing about politics... just that hopefully I won't get dragged into it as well. Itz quite a f**ked up thingy to be tangled in. Just that at times, ppl get sucked into the mess unwillingly... I just hope that I'll be able to prevent myself frm getting into the hole & be as neutral as possible. Itz not that I wanna play the "good guy" or wadever u call it. I just don't wanna lose my sense of neutrality. I don't wanna let feelings get into the way of judgment & affect the way I treat other ppl. Feelings hath alredi clouded the more sensible part of me, in the form of this r/s. I just don't want other kinda feelings to f**k up other aspects of my life too. Itz alredi f**ked enuff.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:58

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Weird things are happening to my com. I queued my downloads and was about to leave the house when it auto-shut down -.-" When I got home, intending to turn it back on... it gave me the error msg saying that the computer is in used and hath been locked, only the administrator is able to turn it on. Tried the typical passwrds I use, to no avail. Eventually I just clicked "ok" with a blank passwrd and entered windows. Apparently the downloads are still there... just that the Internet connection hath been disabled. My mouse ain't wrking too well either (perhaps itz dirty, that one I not too sure as yet). Kinda weird huh? Ah well, am alone at home once again, after hanging out at Pitstop for a little while with Zen, blur, Radin, Azman & Eugene. Been a long time since I last saw them manx (except Eugene whom I just met). Intended to go rounding after but the weather didn't look that great... besides, I'm wrking early tml & Zen hath to go home as well. Hmm... another time perhaps =) Anyway Ben is wrking, as usual *sigh* Spoke to him about it, he was saying that if we do end up living together, he'll only wrk alternate weekends. I wonder y he needs to wrk so much. Itz not as if he really needs the $$. He's wrking just to pass tha time. I wonder why he still needs the job rite now though -.-" Grrr Jovan is really annoying mi. She's asking mi to go down to wrk at 6am later. Itz like, wth... can't I just work my own shifts and thatz that? Am still contemplating whether I should go down or not. Don't exactly feel tired now but I would be in tha morn. Itz gonna be a another f**king boring day, I just knew it. Washing bike in tha late evening I suppose... though I wonder if I should wash it... very dusty when I park at my wrk place. Then again, I should. Itz been mths since I waxed my bike and the only washing my baby got was when it rains -_-" Ah well, time to take a shower and watch some anime b4 going to rest for a bit. I hate morning shifts.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:00

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Been runnin' away
so long from the day
Into the strange night of stone
To fade away
As the light is gently
Bleedin' out of my soul
Penetratin' the evening
As I ride
On this endless road

But you can't turn back the time
It always gonna wait on the line

Some may wish never to be born
Wastin' the dawn
Like a rose growin' from the Christ's thorn
Wastin' the dawn

"Wasting The Dawn" - The 69 Eyes

Hmm I wish why are all employers alike - they expect their staff never to feel ill & turn up for wrk every single day they are scheduled. Anyway, I am no longer wrking @ Paradigm... which means, am free on weekends from tml nite onwards... so if anyone wants to go clubbing, rounding or just plain chilling out, I'm 100% up for it. That is if I am in the mood to do so. lolx. Yeah if I get my gaming kick or something, then I guess I'll be staying at home magneted to either console. I wonder how am I supposed to keep my weekends in future busy. Apparently, Cafe@100 seems to wanna put mi on permanant morning shifts, which leaves me with the nites free... and Ben is wrking. Well, or should I say, the might not be in my life for much longer. Am waiting for him to finish wrk & see how things go. I thought I could accept it initially, but I guess I can't after all. I don't like the idea of him putting wrk before me. I won't complain about his full-time job. A person needs his/her career... but this is part-time, for gawd's sake!!~! Everytime he finishes wrk, he comes back tired & all... he didn't even spare a thought for my feelings. F**k it. Things will be fine in the morning (even though itz gonna be a slight pain @ wrk). Well, much as I would love to keep this relationship I think I should really put an end to all these crap. It ain't doing either of us any good *shrugx* I don't blame him or anything... I guess, like I mentioned b4, some things are just not meant to be. We are too different to be together. We'll only drag each other down, nvr fulfilling own's potential. That is a sacrifice I don't think I am willing to make. Coz if he keeps putting mi in such moods, I won't be able to perform well at wrk either... and thatz not gotta be a positive thingy for me. Well, itz time to continue doing what I am doing. Hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep soon. Wrk tml for me ~ I still wish that I'll just go to sleep and not wake up though. *sigh* With my luck, I'll live forever...

Shady self-destructed @ 00:36

Friday, December 24, 2004

There is no point keeping the relationship any further coz apparently u can't stand the way I am and neither am I able to accept u for how u are. I know that you'll be able to let go, so I ain't worried about hurting you. As for myself, I'm used to the pain. It was wonderful while it lasted though. I had the hopes that it would last forever, just that I guess some things are just not meant to be. Whatever it is... I just hope that u'll be happy in tha future & that you'll find someone who is really suitable for you. I don't know why I'm typing this, since you don't even know my blog exists. But I guess I just have to do it b4 I burst. Goodbye ~

Shady self-destructed @ 22:15

Can someone just do me a favor and kill me pls?

Shady self-destructed @ 20:50

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Itz once again almost time to leave for wrk now. Will be moving off in another 5min or so. *sigh* Itz until 11pm tonite... I wonder how tha time is gonna pass. Didn't use to have such problems at SR though - the crowd was enuff to keep bz even on tha weekdayz. I wonder how's today gonna be like. Whatever it is, I just hope that the boss or boss's family ain't there. Besides the fact that freedom is gonna be limited, the boss's children irritate the hell outta me. They are rowdy, ill-behaved and tend to do things w/o sparing a thought for others. The only plus point about them is that, they are polite... saying thank you and all. I wonder how those brats are gonna grow up to be. Probably polite but demanding Singaporeans who think that they are "up there" just coz they come from a well-off family. *shrugx* I wonder who am I wrking with today as well... and I wonder what time will Ben come back frm JB. He said he'll be back before 11pm but somehow I don't quite believe it. He normally delays a terribly long time if he goes to take a look at his SP. Hmm watever it is, well, I have the gaming kick anyway... so it might just be a good thing if he doesn't come back so early. So I can spend some precious time Simming. lolx. Ah well, time for another 8hr of torture. Ugh ~

Shady self-destructed @ 14:29

I wonder why the hell Cafe@100 called mi at 6am this morn, and I wonder who was the clown behind it. Anyway, f**k it, am wrking at 3pm today and I don't intend to go down too early. Will give them back a call ard 1pm stating that I just woke up. Anyway the tiring weekend is here. This week's gonna be a little worse I suppose, since itz X'mas and X'mas Eve. Hmm, Ben is going to JB today - w/o me -.-" The min he heard that Jacky was going in, he offered to go in as well. I know this train of thought is illogical but am starting to think that perhaps he's gay... and that the person he really loves ain't me. lolx. Weird thought huh? Heyz u gonna give my brain some credit... that it ain't dead as yet =) Well just put it this way, he spends alot of time & effort on Jacky's bday, he paints up Jacky's bike the same pattern he does his own. They even have the same helmet!!~! He gets along well with Jacky's mom & they used to spend alot of time together... before they had their respective partners. Hahah I know, they are probably best friends. Kinda makes me envious. *grinx* Friends are hard to find nowadayz... and I do treasure mine, even though itz been quite sometime since I met up with them. HaiX, gotta find time. Now that my schedule is so fucked, I don't even wanna try. Perhaps after 2004.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:17

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Just finished watching the final episode of Hunter X Hunter's TV series. *grinx* Am now proceeding to download the OVAs. Which reminds me, I better get the stuff burned & proceed to reformat my PC sometime soon. Just how "soon" is "soon" I have no frigging idea. Though the virus is pissing mi off and the occasional lags are annoying, it doesn't seem to have much other problems. Well, I know that itz always good to have something running at 100%. Thing is, I don't have the time to spare doing research on what am I supposed to do if I reformat. -.-" some ppl will tell mi, play less games then use the time to reformat. Thing is, I hardly even spend so much time on games nowadayz. Need to spend all I can. My PS2 is like lying in the hall untouched by me for perhaps say, half a year or so? I should start intensive gaming soon. For now, am just waiting for lunch to come & maybe take a nap later in the noon. Gotta spend my off day relaxing... coz an uber tiring weekend is up ahead.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:11

*shrugx* I just knew that it would happen. It always does. Despite my rage & all, the minute he calls and talks for a bit, I'll just relent. Seems like I give in a little too much huh? I just hope he wouldn't take it for granted. Sometimes I just wonder... does he treat all the gals he's been with this way or does he make special effort in making "no effort" this time? Itz bugging at times, when I see the extent he can go out to help a friend... and the stuff he does for a friend. He doesn't even come close to that with me. Well, just take Jacky's bday party for example. He went to the extent of organising a chalet, inviting ppl, getting the food done, getting the cake... etc. For my bday, all he did was get a bouquet of flowers & teddy bear delievered to Paradigm. Yesh, he did do something, but the difference is pretty big huh? I know I shouldn't be comparing, but there's just this nagging feeling inside me... that he doesn't really bother to do stuff for me. He told mi b4, he actually planted roses for his ex-gf. He hasn't even done anything for me as yet. Even SMSing mi daily, when he knows that it'll make me happy, is a chore to him. Every day I have to remind him to drop mi a msg now and then... everyday I have to remind him to call me. I am just confused. Most ppl would tell me, don't think too much about it, thatz just the way he is... but just look at the way he treats his friends... u'll know that itz far from "just the way he is". Furthermore, I just can't help comparing him with the guys I know in my life... they can do such wonderful things for their gfs. I guess I am just, jealous? I don't know. Nothing is perfect I suppose... but can't he just pamper mi a little? Maybe the difference is just that... I don't look as good as the other girls my friends date. Hence the attitude my bf gives me. Is that any fault of mine? Itz just that, the prettier girls always have guys after them... and the guys will do really sweet things for them. *sigh* Guess I'll just be resigned to fate. I ain't good enuff for such treatment perhaps -.-"

We went viewing for HDB flats again last nite... and there might be a few more lined up for tonite. Saw one we kinda like last nite @ Bukit Batok. Well, I don't know why I am going along with all this shit. Frankly, I don't have the intention of settling down... at least not with Ben. I just don't know if I can put up with all these kinda stuff for the rest of my life. I just ain't sure if he's the person I would wanna be with forever. There are times that I really adore him and I do think of the words "forever", but there are times that he really makes me feel like just getting the hell away from it all. Just put it this way... perhaps there's someone out there more suitable for me, than him. Itz just the hope that someday, someone will come along, be my prince charming on a white horse and just whisk me away. Itz difficult to tell huh, from the way I speak & all, that I actually do keep my childhood fantasies. I don't want some faggot prince definitely, but I would want someone that can sweep me off my feet. Someone who can keep me smiling most of the time, someone would just make my heart beat so fast... someone who will surprise me with the things he does now and then... someone who makes the effort to do the little things that matter so much to me. Someone who is unlike, Ben. I am feeling guilty when I type this. I shouldn't be saying such stuff when I am attached... butI just can't help feeling this way & I don't really wanna keep the feelings repressed within. Maybe the fairytale r/s I am hoping for will never come true, but I just don't understand y he can't be like other guys... who just do things for their gal to make them happy.

Looking at this on the surface, our characters are just simply too different. We look for different things in life, we have different goals... the similarity is that, both of us ain't bothered to help the other realise his/her goals. Our way of life is also totally different. We have different priorities, we have different methods of doing stuff. Even the stuff we do are so different. We have different likes/dislikes & we don't seem to be able to compromise on that. One example is, I do love movies... I used to watch like at least twice a week. Now that I'm with him, I can't remember when was the last time I went to watch something. And I do badly wanna catch Blade Trinity in the cinemas. He's just unwilling to go along. He doesn't share my passion in gaming & he doesn't share my interest in anime. Thatz y, most of the time, when we meet, we don't have anything to do & frankly, we don't communicate much either w/o a 3rd party. Maybe itz coz we see each other so often that we no longer have anything much to say. He doesn't share his problems and stuff with mi either, so that makes it even worse. In fact, the only communication we seem to have nowadayz are arguments. I don't know. I'm just goddamned confused I guess. Itz a conflict between the brain & the heart. I wonder which one I should follow this time. Should I stay or split?

Shady self-destructed @ 10:32

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

See, I don't.. know why.. I liked you so much,
I gave you all of my trust..
I told you.. I loved you..
Now that's all down the drain..
You put me through pain..
I wanna let you know how I feel..

Fuck what I said.. It don't mean shit now..
Fuck the presents, might as well throw 'em out..
Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack..
Fuck you, you hoe.. I don't want you back..

"Don't Want You Back" - Eamon

The above lyrics are hereby dedicated to someone that is part of my life - as to who exactly the person is... ppl whom I've been talking to or reading my blog, would know. Even though that person ain't a "hoe" and neither did that person cheat on me (at least not that I know of), but those are the exact words I feel like telling to him rite now. No doubt, as expected, I don't have the actual determination to do that directly but once again I am way tempted. Why? Why does this have to happen. Everytime when I think that things are gonna be fine, u just gotta fuck it up all over again... making me pissed over and over... testing my very patience. What did he do now, u may ask? Well, basically he didn't pick up my fone call. I called him twice using my cell fone and he didn't pick up. Neither did he call back. Thatz not just it. 15 min later, I got sick of waiting and decided to test my theory - that he was avoiding my fone call on purpose. I called him frm a public fone down my block and know what? He did answer the call. Said he was "busy", hence he didn't answer my call. Great. U are busy, u can't answer my call... yet u can answer another person's call. Shows alot huh? Anyway my handfone is turned off now. I don't know if he's gonna call me after his wrk (as he promised - then again I am so used to him not keeping the promises) but once again I'm in the situation whereby I feel totally f**ked up. Someone tell me why he keeps doing such things to me and yet I keep forgiving him? I believe that if itz someone else... that person would have broken up a long long time ago. Someone pls tell mi why I ain't got tha willpower to do so. I am f**king tired rite nw, due to the lack of sleep... but I don't think I'm calm enuff to go to dreamland. That really doth suck. He came down to my wrkplace today as well. To play pool - with Jovan. Shows alot too huh? It ain't that I am jealous, I just ain't happy that he attacked my pride. When I told him I wanna play with him, he was like "you ah? sua..." Thanx manx. Really... thanx for fucking up my life.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:00

Monday, December 20, 2004

Heh finally managed to have dinner @ Outback with my dear dear =) It was a shame that the service was pretty f**ked up though - waited aeons for order to be taken, for food to be served, for ice water, for bill... etc. Basically dinner took around 2hrs. Gah!!~! Anyway shucks that Ben had to go to wrk at Paradigm. Met up with Brian awhile earlier. Itz been about a year since I last saw him siahx... he went over to Aussie to study (speaking of Aussie, I kinda miss InFlames too). Heh, kudos to him for remembering mi b-day, bought mi this huge mashimaro stuffed toy. And boy was it huge. About my height when I sit down & much fatter -.-" Well, I just couldn't possibly carry it ard to have dinner with, was hoping to put it at home but guess what? I didn't bring my keys and there was no one at home. Yeah... was feeling like... #@^*$*~ thankfully shifter was home. Dumped the toy + my helmet at his place & went to take it back a while ago. Heehee... been sometime since I last saw shifter too. I wonder why I never seem to bump into him in the lifts. /me shrugx. Will prolly ask him out for food someday... hopefully he ain't too lazy to do so. Ah well... time for me to just watch a single anime then am off to sleep. oyasumi.

Shady self-destructed @ 23:53

*yawn* I am tired... for the past few dayz, have been wrking the 7-3pm shifts. Sunday was the worst, I didn't sleep after Paradigm but went straight down instead. Well, guess I'll just have to get used to it. This weekend's gonna be torture >.< style="font-style: italic;">am trying to get myself detatched. Heh, but itz more difficult than I thought. Had to persuade him to stay over last nite instead of sleeping at our own seperate houses. But tonite, I'll be alone. He's wrking @ Paradigm and I have to go to wrk at 7am again tml. Am looking forward to my off day - Wed. Gotta sleep all I can to "store energy" for the weekend. The morning shifts are uber boring though. No customers for most of the time... stone till I wanna sleep -.-" Anyway, things hath happened the past few dayz... but ah well, too lazy - kinda sleepy - to blog about it. r/s as usual, what else? /me shrugx. Nothing changes despite time & again telling him to do something. But guess what? He actually got ppl to deliver flowers to mi at Paradigm at exactly midnite. Heh, nvr expected him to come out with something like that =)

Shady self-destructed @ 16:05

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Guess what...? Am back on Fairyland once again !!~! Couldn't resist the temptation to double click on tha icon and so I did... even though I did tell myself, that I would reformat my com b4 anything else. *grinx* Can't wait to get into Triple Moons once again - heard frm Zid the other day that TM was actually back on FL with some new members + the old. Itz a shame that the old webby ain't updated anymore, I wonder if Zid created a new one though. Hmm... FL is a game that needs alot of time & dedication... thankfully the work skills can be gained when I'm afk though, so perhaps I'll keep the com on while watching WWE and all that ^-^ Itz a pain to lvl on FL. Wonder how long will I take to catch up with the other members... that is if I ever manage to do so. Heh, obviously my 1st character will be a mage. Then I'll probably do an AOD and Trader as well. Time for more character planning? Ack. Will leave it to when I'm not that hungry. Am waiting for my mom to get back with lunch. There's wrk later at 3pm. 1st day of operations. It betta be good & hopefully it wouldn't rain so I can ride down to wrk. F**k, what am I talking siahx. Even if it doth rain, I'll be riding down coz I need to get to Paradigm after too. Paradigm is open till 4am tonite... itz gonna be a bore -.-" Maybe I should just quit. Nah, think about the $ !!~! Gee once again Ben SMSed mi this morn /me happy. Wonder how long is this gonna keep up. He used to do that when we were 1st together... then suddenly no more. I wonder if he knows how glad I actually am to wake up & see his SMS. Hmm anime time !!~!

Shady self-destructed @ 13:28

Friday, December 17, 2004

Finally I got to eat sakae sushi yesterday =) Been planning that for quite sometime but things always crop up *grinx* The only disappointment was that the udon sux yesterday. No idea why but it doth suck. lol. Anyway Phuture, that nite was so goddamned crowded that it takes a long time just getting to the loo & back. Not to mention the queueing time to use the cubicle -.-" Wonder whatz the occasion coz it doth seem more crowded than usual. Am glad that I managed to meet up with Wenjie finally. Heh, apparently he got a night off or something. Somehow that night I was in the mood of drinking. Just got slightly high, not too much. Then it was supper at Checkers with Ben - shucks that I didn't manage to eat alot... I just got bloated after drinking the iced water. Hmmm guess I should consider myself lucky that he's wrking on Wed nite, so he can meet up with me... if not I reckon he'll be sleeping at home like he said he would. /me shrugx. It was amazing that he didn't do OT yesterday... and it was a surprise that he msged mi early this morning - normally he doesn't do that but waits for me to call instead. Guess he must have been really bored. Joanne called mi last nite, asking mi to wrk at Paradigm today afternoon, for some function. In fact, she asked mi over to help her at Nu Bar... just that I don't really see the prospects there, even though she did offer another $100. Ah well... am wrking at Cafe later... wonder what time it'll drag till tonite... just hopefully I can make it down in time 4 Paradigm. Am still wondering how to compromise the schedule. yeah the weekend is here again ~

Shady self-destructed @ 12:53

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Everyday w/o fail, there is gonna be an arguement over whatever... leaving mi feeling pek chek and all. *sigh* Think I'll just go psycho this way. Itz like, why in the world u ask me "ok or otherwise" when I don't have a frigging choice? Well, he said earlier that he might not have to wrk so I asked if he's willing to go pick mi up from Phuture at 3am. He said "maybe"... coz he ain't sure if he could wake up or not. Hmmm lette mi put it this way. If there's something u really wanna do, as in really wanna, would u wake up in time or not? You'll force urself to wake up no matter what rite? Sleeping is just an excuse. Wanting rest would be a better reason, something easier to accept, rather than being unsure if u can wake up. Trust me, if u asked mi to meet u in the midst of the nite and I want to, I'll wake up with problems... but I'll wake up. Itz all about having "heart" or not. This really shows alot, doesn't it? Unwillingness. Well, if you view everything u do for me as a chore, as a duty... then I'd rather u not do it at all. I don't wanna end up owing u some "favour" or wadever shit manx. Now he says he's coming over to my place b4 wrk. Well, suit urself dude. I don't really care anymore. At least for now... my resolve remains. At times I hate u and the way u make me feel, do u even know that? Tonite I'm just gonna have fun & definitely itz gonna invovle me getting myself high. I need that break.

Shady self-destructed @ 19:52

Yet another day, yet another issue that makes me pissed off. *nod nod* Ben was saying that he might gotta wrk @ Paradigm tonite. Yesh, itz that MIGHT word again. He should know by now how annoyed I get with uncertainties. Ah well... wadever it is, I've contacted Nicky... she's going down to Phuture so I'll be going as well (^-^) Itz been awhile since I went down. Apparently Polo is going too so yeah hopefully tonite will be a good nite even w/o meeting him. I dunno if I'll end up meeting him eventually after clubbing or wadever, or even if he's wrking at Paradigm for certain but this time I think I'll make the decision. Like I mentioned the previous day, I am sick & tired of it all liaox. The Navy didn't call. Itz just too bad. Perhaps itz destiny ba ~ saves mi the trouble of juggling with decisions. The job at Cafe@100 seems good enough. The pay sux, really, but I think I'm gonna be happy there. I hope I would be.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:42

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Well... if u want it that way, so be it. I shall not bother to call u anymore during ur wrking hrs... in fact, I shall not even bother to call u at all. I'll let you decide when to call me then. Just one thing dude, I ain't stupid. So don't even bother lying about ur emotions to me. Itz fairly simple to tell how a person thinks frm the way he/she speaks... frm the very tone a person uses & the pauses in the conversation. I've somehow learned to decipher that pretty easily, so don't even think of telling me that u feel otherwise. I am f**king sick & tired of all those denials and frankly, I'm sick & tired of quarelling with u every day. I'm sick & tired of feeling the way I feel everyday - simply waiting for a phonecall and wondering if u even think of me. I am sick & tired of this relationship... and I don't even know if I want to go on anymore. Itz not totally my fault. You are to blame as well. I don't want to be the one apologising all the time, like I always do. I don't want to be the one who gives in all the time, even if it ain't totally my fault. I ain't implying that u are 100% wrong. Itz just that, I am making myself clear. It ain't ME who is wrong all the time. And I ain't gonna give in forever. I don't have the patience of a saint & I ain't about to cultivate one. I am but human. I feel & I get hurt like everyone else. If you are to ignore my feelings & take me for granted all the time... then I guess, u have to find someone else who is more suitable than me. Coz there's a limit I can take and u are goddamned near to crossing the line.

I called you, when u were taking ur nap. Thatz my fault. But did u have to get so pissed off over it & talk to me in that kinda tone of voice? Fine. I can understand that u are irritated by being woken up... but do u have to deny it when I ask u? Itz just human nature, I know. Perhaps itz just me then. That I can't really get along with humans all that well. That perhaps, u'll be better off with someone who can tolerate u betta than I can. You called me back... I know you would. I'm glad that u did. But I wasn't in the mood to talk to u. Eventually I did call u back & u seem
to be just picking an arguement with me. Can't u see that I am tired? I am so mentally drained just being with you. Much as I wish for us to be together forever... there are times, many times - times that are too frequent for comfort, that I just feel like asking u to f**k off. To just get outta my life & leave me the way I am. It doesn't matter how hurt I'll be. I'll get over it somehow, someday. As for you, I don't think it even matters to you. From the way I see it, it seems as if I need you more than u need me. Fine. If thatz the way it shall be written, then so it shall be done. Just don't blame me, and say that I don't love you, if ever the day comes when I just walk away. If that day does come, know that... even though I do love you, and I'll always do... the line hath been crossed & I can take it no longer. I am human, like everyone else.

No doubt I've had this resolution many times before, but my will hath been weak - too weak. I've tried to be understanding, I've tried to give it. But I can't just change me - the way I am, the way I'll always be. Perhaps it'll be much better if we just go our seperate ways. I'm tired. And now I have to go to wrk with a low morale. That really sux. I really hope that tha navy will give me a call later this evening. I need to get outta this for a period of time. I need a break in this relationship. Blame it on me if you must, like you always do, it's my fault then. Itz my fault
that I've been brought up this way... itz my fault that I ain't sumbmissive enuff. But let me tell you this. If you want someone who is there always when you need her... and who ain't there when u don't need her... just let me give u a suggestion - get a dog, a real bitch. Only then, perhaps u'll find the one you've been looking for.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:23

Hmm.. the interview was 50% a disaster. The guy didn't ask the typical questions like - why do u wanna join blah blah... what do you think u can contribute to blah blah but instead asked mi about my studies @ SIM & future plans. Easy enuff u should think. Yeah that was the easy part. Then he asked about current affairs -.-" I just told him frankly enuff that I didn't read the newspapers and am unaware about the stuff that is going on ard Singapore. Bad choice huh? Then again, what could I have possibly done? I couldn't just smoke thru' all those facts I don't even have a clue about. *sigh* Think thatz gonna be my main killer. The interviewer didn't seem very impressed after it all =( Ah well, said that if I am shortlisted, I'll receive a call by tonite so if my fone doesn't ring... guess I can say goodbye to signing on till nxt year - when I might just try applying again. F**k current affairs manx. Why do I have to know about stuff that don't concern me directly? Come to think of it... that happened during my mass comm interview as well. Gah!!~! Whatever manx, if I'm destined to join the Navy I suppose I'll be accepted no matter what. If I ain't... I just won't be. *sigh* Just when I'm getting pretty keen on it... such things gotta happen. Anyway, f**k it all... lunch time, am gonna stuff myself with food and then proceed on to wrk later. It'll be till 11pm - wonder what Ben will do in the meantime after he finishes wrk. Bleah dun care liaox... must try to bo chup a bit.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:00

Aaarrrghhhh the com is pissing me off - really. But *shrugx* itz betta lagging than not working? Soon I'll be making my way down to the interview @ CMPB. Don't exactly know the way but hoppefully I don't get lost too bad. lolx. Am really hoping that I'll pull this off, even though I'm still wavering on whether to sign up or not. But now itz like 80% I wanna sign on, and 20% that I don't wanna spend so much time away frm my dear. Yeah yeah like I mentioned b4, he'll prolly get along fine... wrking part-time in the nite + wrking in the day & spending time with his bike. Itz me who wouldn't be able to survive. Gahhhh I'm such a softie. Hmm still itz too early to think about such stuff. I hope my baby starts later. Been having a few problems starting up the past few dayz - seems fine yesterday though... when the intention was to bring him down to JB for a "checkup". Oh yeah, I'll be starting wrk at the cafe I went for an interview with Jovan last week. The wrking hrs are hmm... awrite I suppose, though am wondering how am I suppose to fit Paradigm into the picture. I'll die if I finish wrk at 11 and gotta wait for Ben till 3am -.-" Plus there's the moolah involved - itz always about the $$ /gg Well thatz it manx, will be making a move like now. /me keeping fingers crossed.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:39

Saturday, December 11, 2004

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

- "Numb" Linkin Park

The lyrics above fully reflect what I feel right now. As I am typing this, he is lying down on tha mattress... doing what he does 80% of the time he's over at my place - sleeping. I ain't feeling too good about everything at all. Once again I'm having the thought of ending this r/s just like this. Itz just that I somehow can't bring myeslf to do so. I don't know if I am expecting too much from this. Maybe I just need too much of attention. But who doesn't expect stuff from another? It takes 2 hands to clap all the time. I know a r/s is supposed to be about give & take... tolerance for another person. But it just seems like everytime itz pushing my patience limit. He ain't like other guys I've been with b4. He doesn't even give a damn if I am angry. He just goes to sleep. Why am I pissed this time. Simple. 2+ he told me he'll leave straight for my house, by 4pm he still ain't here. Naturally I got worried... called him and all he could say is he was stuck in tha rain @ Bt Timah. Fine. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, though there's a nagging feeling in me that said he went back to sleep after the fone call. Normally if he meets his friends late or something, he'll either call or SMS them to tell them that he's been caught up. Did he even send me a msg or anything to say that he's caught in tha rain? No. And there I was, waiting like the idiot I am with various thoughts running thru' my mind. He says I get angry too often, that I get frustrated easy. I would be a saint if I ain't fed up after all this that hath happened. Itz like time & again, the problem ain't solved... the anger is just suppressed. Perhaps signing on with the Navy, if I can, would be a good idea. It wouldn't be a problem for him obviously, since I mean so little to him. It'll be a sheer test of my willpower & emotion control I suppose. Something that I have to go thru' or I am very sure that I'll have a mental breakdown very soon. It just... it just... I don't even know what the f**k I am typing rite now. Itz just that I have to get everything outta my mind so I can rest for a little b4 wrk @ Paradigm later. He says he cares for me... but why is that everything he does tells me otherwise? I don't even know how to go on anymore.

Shady self-destructed @ 18:07

The seminar went fine. Interview will be on Tues 1130hrs. I'll be going, definitely. Thing is, I have yet to make up my mind as to whether I would wanna sign-on so am 'fraid that I won't be able to smoke thru' tha interview that easily. *mumbles* Well... bascially I ain't keen on the 3mth BMT thingy. That'll mean I won't get to use the PC for a couple of weeks + I won't get to see my dear. Well... I told him about it earlier. He doesn't seem to mind. But I do -.-" I wonder how am I gonna get thru' 2 weeks w/o even seeing him. Ah well... no point thinking too much about it. I ain't even sure if I gonna pass the interview this Tues. Even if I do, how far will I proceed in the selection process? Plus there's gonna be the NAFA test. My fitness lvl now is at an all time low - with a uber unhealthy lifestyle of late nites, lack of sleep, junk food and zero exercise. I ain't too worried about 2.4 & pull ups... am only worried about the standing broad jump - which I had problems with ever since secondary skool. /me shrugx. Quit thinking manX. The interview is the nxt obstacle. If I clear that... then I'll think again =) Wish me luck... again.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:48

Friday, December 10, 2004

[17:27hrs] Well the interview went on o-k-a-y I suppose. Jovan got hired on tha spot, the guy said he would give me a call sometime ard next week. Hmm... so is that a yes or what? Frankly, the pay sux big time. Itz way below what I intend to settle for but I do believe that I'll be happier there than with HSBC. At least I don't have to approach ppl to push for sales /gg Besides, itz only for tha meantime till I give up hope on signing on for govt service. I'll miss the $$ definitely but f**k it manx. I'd rather not drag myself to wrk everyday. One thing though, if itz confirmed that I'm hired, I might have to give up tha job @ Paradigm - that'll be a pity since they're paying pretty well. /me shrugx. Kinda regret getting my mom to dye my hair for me... think itz gonna come out damn uneven. Ain't black anyway... chose Gatsby Cool Khaki instead. Don't really wanna lose the effect of a dyed head but didn't want it to be as bright as the blonde I'm having now either. 78.7% a little more to 2nd class!!~! Gah, as usual am waiting for a fone call frm Ben - not that I'm exactly in the state to pick up tha fone, but u get what I mean. Said he would call me back once he reaches his office to tell me roughly what time he'll be doing OT till. That was an hr ago. Till now he still ain't back in tha office? Whatever manx... am getting quite tired of it all. I just hope I'll get so tired that I'll enter the bo chup stage. Back to RO ~

[18:01hrs] "very late"... thatz all he could say when I called to ask him what time his ot will end. You know, seriously, I am starting to doubt if he's doing ot in the 1st place. He said he would give mi a call once he reaches back to tha office... he didn't. His excuse - that he went back and left. Yeah... totally forgetting to call me at all. Then again, what the f**k do I expect huh? I knew this gonna happen, and yet I still wait for his bloody fone call time & again. Now he says that he's at Jurong and that he'll call mi back ltr, coz his vehicle breakdown. -.-" Yeah rite. He'll call me back later. F**k it man, if he calls I ain't picking up... though I have this sickening feeling that he wouldn't call & I'll end up seeing him @ Paradigm later. I wonder if itz a good or bad thing, wrking at the same place. Know what? I need a new bf... or rather, for the good of myself & all humanity. I need to be single & stay single. I have enuff of this shit. He ain't gonna change. I'm just kidding myself when I keep telling myself to hold on. Whatz the use? When the end is inevitable. Itz just sooner or later, since his "ot"s are gonna just carry on till eternity & there's no way that I'll know if he's truly doing ot. There can be no relationship w/o trust. Since I can't trust anyone, might as well stay single. If only I could just let go...

Shady self-destructed @ 18:07

Things are getting slightly better now. Went down to International Plaza awhile ago & had a "chat" with the ppl at Kelly Services. They spoke about my taking of MCs, I explained my medicial situation to them and they asked mi to tender my resignation - which obviously I did. Plus itz w.e.f. today... which means, officially I am off HSBC!!~! Got my cheque for last mth as well, the $$ will prolly last me till I find something else... which hopefully wouldn't take too long a time /gg Yeah at least the work part is settled. Phew ~ and I was wondering how am I supposed to get myself outta this fix. Anyway, am going down for an interview at some cafe with Jovan later. Keeping my fingers crossed for that. Besides, the navy gave mi a call yesterday & asked mi to attend a semiar tml @ CMPB. Wonder if I should dye my hair back to black for that. Guess I'll prolly do so, since hair dye doesn't last too long on my head anyway... and I don't exactly like the way itz done rite now. Hmm... I assume there'e be an interview on top of the seminar, since they asked for me to bring down my documents & stuff. I wonder if they'll reject me based on my small frame. I am still thinking, of why didn't the air force or prisons service contact me till now. The navy was the latest of the trio that I sent an application into. Ah well, whatever it is... I'm quite keen on signing on - anywhere. I believe that is a job that'll benefit me as a person & will bring a certain amount of satisfaction =)

Com-wise... well, am waiting to borrow/purchase an anti-virus & reformat it. For the moment, I can RO and all so am pretty satisfied with things they way they are rite now. I just hope that nothing screws up anymore. Not till I solve everything. r/s-wise, am trying to just ignore the feelings that come up every now and then. Frankly, there isn't a day that I don't feel like ending it all. But guess since we've come so far alredi, I'll just try to hold on as long as I can... since it does seem like he's trying. No, things have yet to change, but at least he's making an effort to put up with my mood swings and all. /me shrugx. Still too early to tell, but am pretty determined to hang on no matter what. Even though it is a pain to be waiting for a fone call day in and out. Sooner or later I'll get used to it I guess. Hmm my acolyte is up to job lvl 49, just one more and I'll be able to bring her up to 2nd class. For now, itz waiting for lunch... Simming a little and then go down to meet Jovan for the interview. Good luck to me ~

Shady self-destructed @ 11:29

Thursday, December 09, 2004

I am seriously losing patience with life. Everything just seems troublesome to do. Main problem - the PC. I finally got it revived after almost a week in purgutory. It just died & refused to reboot one day... my bro's diagnosis - motherboard burnout. Took MC yesterday and went to fix the motherboard @ Sim Lim. That cost me like $200. Now all that's left to do is a reformat coz the virus hath yet been fixed and the entire system is lagging so bad that itz a pain trying to play RO. Am trying to get my aco up to monk 1st before I do anything but the lag is kinda killing me. Itz even lagging when I try to type now -.-" I wonder what patches do I need when I reformat though. Ah well, will discuss that with my bro later when he comes home. Luckily he's having his block leave now so I don't have to face this PC problem alone.

Another huge problem will be work. Yesh the problem won't be resolved till I quit I guess. Kelly Services is bugging me to go down to sign my contract at International Plaza, which means I gotta get up early tml morn, make the trip down and sign the bloody thing b4 I go to wrk. I hate wrking. I just hope that the bank loan & all will be settled soon so I can just quit the job and spend time looking for another. *sigh* That is if they don't decide to terminate me b4, for taking all that MC & leave the past week and this one. Need the moolah. Anyway no matter what, guess I'll just hang on for another mth. Loads of things I have to do even on my off day. I still gotta go down to Khatib later to pick up the Shadow Hearts Convenant that I ordered on Monday. Gah, which means looking at the map & trying to find a way down. Why do I have this sick feeling that I'm gonna get lost somehow? I don't even feel like blogging anymore...

Shady self-destructed @ 11:12

Thursday, December 02, 2004

[13:18hrs] Once again itz the time of the mth - the day of immense suffering & pain. Perhaps that explained why I've been feeling so moody & unpredictable the past few dayz... though I reckon, that ain't the only reason. The stress of the r/s also took alot outta me. Frankly, I don't know how much longer I can hang on. It does seem to be improving at times, boosting my will. Then when I think that finally everything's gonna be alright, something will just screw up once again. *sigh* But at least I do get to see him every night now as he seems to be a permanant fixture @ my home. I am still hoping that it will work out eventually. Itz just that his supposed-ots & all makes the waiting time quite a pain. Am trying not to think too much about it as well... so pls don't remind me. Work ain't treating me much better either. The sales target seems impossible to hit & I don't seem to be any closer to my colleagues than before. /me shrugx. For now, I just want the pain to go away...

[14:11hrs] The pain seem to have subsided for now. I wonder how long can the effectiveness of the medicine last. Generally I'll avoid taking the pills but it seems like my will hath weakened so much that I can't seem to bear the pain anymore. *sigh* Thankfully I took 2 days of MC. If not, I wonder how am I supposed to survive wrk @ Compass Pt. today. Am gonna get into deep shit sooner or later with HSBC - at the rate I am taking MCs & leaves. Itz just that I can't seem to get myself motivated enuff to work. Even when I wake up, take a shower... I just don't feel like leaving the house for another draggy day. Cooping up at home ain't an option either. It just makes the waiting process harder to bear. Initial plan was to go view a flat later this evening. Just SMSed Ben not too long ago and he tells mi that it ain't confirmed. /me shrugx again. What do I expect frm him huh? Everything is just so uncertain. Ah well, all I can do now is keep my fingers crossed & hope that he doesn't have to do ot tonite. Once again, am left waiting for a fone call that might or might not ever come. At times, I do wonder... what in the world did I do or what in the world did I owe him in my prevous life, to be experiencing that I do right now. But I've made my choice, taken up the gamble so I'll just have to see it thru'. Well f**k it, will go obtain some items for headgear on RO, level up my acolyte a little & then itz off to simming. Maybe, just maybe, this time he'll call mi b4 I call him. *mumbles*

Shady self-destructed @ 14:31

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

+ A r c h i v e s +

02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009

+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

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