Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

I really hate my job. I dread going to wrk everyday & itz a pain trying to meet the target. I just wonder, why am I the only one expected to hit target when the rest of my team members seem to just slack off? I still have problems going up to ppl in a supermarket. I think thatz just plain stupid. Hanging ard at the booth & approaching those who walk by is still okay. *sigh* Can't seem to really get along with the rest of the team either. I wonder how long will I be stuck in this job. I won't leave till I find something new... thing is, with wrking everyday & having an occasional sunday off, how am I supposed to find another job? One thing though, why is government service not calling me at all? Itz been mths since I sent my application. Do they really have that many candidates? Or does my application really suck that bad?? Anyway... f**k it, itz time to go get ready for wrk again. Relationship-wise... I dunno. Dun wanna talk about it.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:10

Friday, November 26, 2004

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, he said...no. She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....and he said no. She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no. She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said: 'You're not pretty you're beautiful. I dont want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever. And I wouldnt cry if you walked away...I'd die...'

Above is just something I happened to read in someone's Friendster testimonial. Finally the tears came. Been holding them back for the past few nites. Perhaps some things are just not meant to be. I don't know why but I'm still holding on even though I sense that the other party is already letting go. Perhaps he's already gone... Yesh, u still do meet up with me every night & you spend the night at my place. But is there a point? You may think you are keeping me company... but are you, really? We are so like strangers now who are simply sharing a room, sharing a sleeping space - sleeping at far ends of a single bed. If the bed was larger, we would be even further away. You come over, you sleep within a short period of time. You claim that you are tired. Is there are day where u can possibly not be? I just don't believe that it's possible to be "tired" everyday and treat me the way you do. When I hold your hand, it feels as if I am holding a rag doll. When I hug you, I don't feel you hugging me back... you seem no different from any of my stuffed toys - just larger. We hardly even talk anymore, did you realise that? We were silent during mealtimes... we seem to have run out of things to say. When I ask about ur day, all you do is mumble a few words. I guess that's becoz we have nothing much in common to begin with. Maybe, we are simply... not meant to be.

It just seems like, I've gotten just your mortal shell, but I didn't get your heart. Maybe your heart is already dead - it died with the girl you once loved 4 years ago. I can never take her place, you know that. I did tell you that once, u told me that you never expected me to. I don't want to take her place. I don't want to be merely a substitute. All I want is to have someone who thinks that I mean the world to him. Itz true that in a relationship, one partner loves the other more. Guess what? I don't even feel the love anymore. Perhaps it was just a short-term thing... if so, why are u speaking about commitment? All that talk about getting a place of our own, spending the rest of our lives together. The talk sounded good. But I am having my doubts. I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is just using me to fulfil his own dream. I believe, it could be any girl. The only reason it's me is coz I happen to be around. You said it yourself b4, you don't know why you like me... and that perhaps you like me coz I like you. You know how deep that blade cuts? When I get moody, you don't come over to comfort me... you leave me to fume by myself & when I explode, you get annoyed. When I try to push you, to show me slightly more affection, you get annoyed. What exactly is that that you you want me to do? Be just a doll who walks & talks who doesn't demand? I'm sorry... I can't do that. Unfortunately, I am human too. I crave affection & attention, no matter how much I seem to deny it on the surface... no matter how cold & independent I may seem to those who know me not... no matter how much I try to tell myself it doesn't matter, it does... alot.

I don't know why I've fallen so far emotionally once again, that I might just die if I walk away. I don't even have the courage to walk away rite now. At times, things seem to improve & that gives me the motivation to try hang on further. But when I do, the disappointment is just much greater... when you don't do things I hope that you would. You know, maybe things are easier to accept if I still feel that you love me. But I don't. Maybe you never did love me... maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me all long... manifesting something that ain't there. I suppose, if I can't just walk away, I'll prolly hold on the best I could... till I can't do so any longer. I just have a feeling that, this time I will really get hurt again.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:34

Sunday, November 21, 2004

I skipped wrk yet again today. I did wake up when the alarm rang but I just didn't wanna get up, didn't wanna go get myself ready for wrk. I went back to sleep instead & woke up at 11am. The intention of MIA was there. Ben had to call up Gary for mi and inform him of my absence today. Frankly, this is quite fucked up of me huh? My 4th day at wrk & I took an MC. My 5th day. I took leave -.-" I just dread the thought of wrking on a Sunday. Besides, I didn't get much sleep last nite, after paradigm + supper so I just stayed in bed. It would have been much better if Ben is still ard with me. yeah, he went home to paint his house. Promised that he'll call me when he's done. I wonder when will that be. I have no doubt that he'll call me by tonite... but I just wonder what time. *sigh* I should have gone to wrk huh? If I had, he'll be there to pick mi up after and I wouldn't end up in this waiting state again. Gah!!~! This time, I kinda brought it uponst myself. *sigh* I just wish that he'd call at least once though. Well, guess he must be real busy with all that painting. Raining kinda heavy now, I couldn't exactly go over to look for him even if I want to. Besides, if I did, I'll prolly just get in his way. Nothing much left for me to do but wait. Loads of waiting today. Am STILL waiting for com to defrag the final drive. Afterwhich it'll prolly be RO. Wonder if I'll have the patience to train till job lvl 50 for my smith. Am thinking of just f**king it and change job already... since the other skills are pretty much useless. Not enuff players to vend & I ain't a battlesmith so what good is mammomite? Plus, thatz a waste of zeny.

Well, at least I'm off tml. Tuesday will be yet another day of pushing sales. /me groans. Why in the world did I accept such a job siahx? Initially I thought that wrking will help mi keep my mind off things. Apparently it doesn't!!~! Time doesn't seem to pass faster while am at wrk too. Bad choice. *sigh* Guess $$ can be the only motivation now. Such life ~

The flash card is a problematic thingy. I took it out, inserted the pokemon ruby catridge... decided against playing pokemon for now and replace the flash card & realised that my save game is GONE. Yesh, the save state is still there but the actual saved game just ain't detected. What the fuck huh? Well, anyway I didn't play too much b4 so I ain't that pissed. But I would be if the game refuses to load now!!~! Yesh, I've played for quite a few hours earlier and it betta not be erased. I wonder if there would be a problem if I play either Harvest Moon or Monster Rancher as well. Darn, should have checked out the msg board b4 I made my purchase. Apparently, judging from the comments posted on the forum, this card is pretty unrealiable. MagicUSB. Besides, there's another post that mentions another kinda flash card for GBA. Ah well, the deed hath been done. Not much of a point regretting. Just keeping my fingers & toes crossed (yet again - I seem to be doing too much of this lately) that there won't be any major screw ups in future. Well... at the most, I'll put pokemon on hold for the time being. Such a headache. If only the GBA runs on memory card like the PS instead.

I wonder how long more will the com take to defrag... and how long more Ben will take to paint his hall... I hate waiting.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:51

Saturday, November 20, 2004

/me heaves a sigh of relief. Problems are far frm over but at least 1 part is settled. After a period of trial & error + help frm Syaoran'K, managed to write the ROMs I had into the flash cart. Tested out The Sims... seems to wrk fine. *grinx* Am still keeping my fingers crossed though. Can never be too safe when technology is invovled. Phew, at least I don't have to make my way down to exchange the cart tml. My sleeping time was sacrificed though. After doing all those stuff, and watching a few episodes of Hunter X Hunter, itz now time for mi to go take a bath, pack some food (for Ben n Azman) & head down to Paradigm. 10-3am. Those are difficult hrs to pass w/o doing much but at least there ain't the pressure to hit targets. Tml will be a different story. Hopefully will be able to get a few signups. Being new - that excuse won't last forever. Besides, I do want my comission. Gahhhhh what I want is another job actually -.-"

Shady self-destructed @ 20:18

Itz been a long time since I last blogged. Loads of time hath been spent on work, with Ben & the remaining, trying to figure out what is the problem with my com this time. Yesh... problems are surfacing once again - itz all like one waterfall with me standing beneath the oppressing torrents. Thankfully I have Prae supporting me. Talking to him does allow mi to rationalise my thoughts & make decisions more clearly. Once again, itz matters of the heart vs mind. Like I mentioned once before... there are different aspects of life. Professional, emotional + social. Generally only 1 aspect fucks up at at time... but occasionally all of them do and when it happens, life really sux. *nod nod* Itz this period of time that I'm trying to pull thru' I just hope & wish that everything will turn out all right eventually. I am unsure that I'll be able to survive an implosion - like I told Prae. Probably I would, but the thought if it happening & when it's happening, does suck big time. I don't even know why I'm blogging rite now - there is a huge probablity that I won't even be able to post this time. But that'z a risk I'll be taking... just to allow my thoughts to flow a little more... coz there are certain stuff that I find it difficult to speak about to another human. I'll even be backing up the typed file - that is IF my com pulls thru'.

Yesh... headache 1... my com is f**king up. I did mention that it had problems booting up. The problems are still around & now I'm having problems accessing the Net. Despite that, downloaded the latest dat file for my viruscan, did a scan + ad ware check... hopefully everything is cleared & that the problem will be solved. I have yet to restart the PC so am still unsure. The feeling sux. Daily when I turn the PC on, I'll be hoping that it starts up... I just hope that the hardware ain't affected, that no parts are burnt due to the ungodly hours I keep it awake. What's worse... I just bought a flash cart for my GBA last Sunday & I'll only have till tml to check if it works. I don't exactly know what am gonna do, now that my internet is dead. At least I installed the rom transfer driver already. So what I'm gonna do is... before rebooting, I'll try transfer at least 1 rom into my flash cart & test it out on the GBA. Once I know whether the cart works or otherwise, that'll be 1 minor problem settled. As for the status of my com, I wouldn't know till I restart it. Be it positive or negative, there's nothing much I can do. Most of my backups are done - save for Hunter X Hunter & X-Files. That I can always redownload when everything is fine again so ain't too worried. I just hope that everything will be resolved coz reinstalling everything will take up alot of time & energy - that I can't spare. Plus, I miss RO and I do wish to train my merchant for a bit while b4 going down to Paradigm later.

Professional aspect: I hate my job - sales promoting is difficult. There's a quota to meet and I don't seem to be getting along well enuff with my teamates. Granted that they don't seem to hate mi... itz just that we don't seem to click that well. Furthermore, I realised that I have a problem with approaching strangers outta the blue... to sell a product. I'll be alright if itz for customer service & I seem okay when standing at a booth. But to walk around a supermarket & harrass ppl while they're shopping... thatz stressful. Gotta deal with that every single day *sigh* Well, at least there's a guy in the sales team who is riding as well. Pity that he ain't in the same exact team with me... managed to ride down with him to Suntec & back to the atrium yesterday. *grinx* Sweet of him though, to help mi park my bike & wait for me on the way even though, according to him, he could just speed ahead. Plus, that got Ben a little jealous & asked mi to jio him out for a race. Anyway, I took an MC today just to spend time at home with my com. I can't afford to wait till my off day - which is Mon. I'll have stuff to do on Mon, since Ben's sister is getting married & I'm kinda expected to turn up - gawd knows why >.<

Emotionally wise... well everyone knows, relationship is my huge downfall. Got into quite a big fight with Ben just 2 nights ago - I so nearly walked away from it all. I so nearly gave up. Well, he promised to meet mi directly after wrk at 8+ but he did say that he'll go down and give Zen a hand. I did ask if thatz gonna take long, he assured me no, but at the time I got off wrk... he told mi that he might have to stay till 3am. Obviously I blew my top. I mean... hell, all you think of is work what about me? I've been waiting all those hours, stuck in a lousy job, I miss u so much and you don't seem to care? Well... I did go down & confront him... waited till 11pm for him to knock off (eventually he told the bosses that he can only wrk till 11pm) then had quite a long talk with him outside Bukit Panjang Ctr. Franky I wouldn't have waited. But it was when I was about to go start my bike that Jovan SMSed mi asking for help. b4 I could ask her exactly what's up, the fone batt went low & I had to go borrow a batt frm Ben. Perhaps Fate was just giving us another chance. I don't know, but I took it. I just hope that Ben will realise that I'm actually giving this shit another shot. I questioned his feelings, I questioned how important I am in his life... etc. well... somehow he did give mi a satisfactory response. We made up. That night, b4 we went to sleep, he did tell mi that he was sad that I actually thought of breaking up... he asked mi to promise not to mention the 2 words ever again & promise never to think about it. I just kept silent. It's not that I don't love him... I do... but that doesn't mean that he can just fuck up my life - whether intentionally or otherwise. Though it may seem settled to him, it ain't to me. I know I shouldn't be keeping this all holed up but I just think it'll be better for mi to just see how things go from this point of time. I don't want to give up till I really have to - and I don't want that day to ever come. *sigh* Loads of mental stress there.

Socially... I don't have time to meet my friends anymore. Period.

Time to see how Fate wants to mess with my head & feelings even more. /me fingers crossed

Shady self-destructed @ 17:36

Saturday, November 13, 2004

[14:13hrs] Why bother making plans when itz never certain that the plans might be carried out? Why am I dying inside slowly? Why am I still hanging on to this relationship when it brings me so much negative feelings daily? I ain't thinking too much this time. I am just... I dunno. I am just on the verge of letting go liaoX. Yesterday, was our 1 mth anniversary. I told him I wanted to meet him out in the evening alone, he still had to ask me "why". Nevermind. I met him, he wanted to jio Zen and others out -.-" For gawd's sake, don't you even care at all? Do I mean so little to you? Ended up going to JB for food, then said wanna go watch a midnite show. End up go back my place watch VCDs... and halfway thru the disc u fell asleep. Are you really that tired? Till now, I still have yet to really feel that u love me. I wish to ask you directly - why? Why are u even in this relationship even though you don't need me? I wish to ask you - why do u still wanna be with me even though there are no feelings involved? Do you even know how much pain it causes me? To know that u are with me w/o feelings? True... feelings can be cultivated in time. But what do you expect me to do in the meantime? I never asked u to be responsible for anything you did. I never asked you to do much. All I asked is to be true to me. Is it that difficult? Do you knoe it hurts like hell when u complain that u are bored when you are with me? Do you know how I feel inside when u joke saying that I am a burden? Do you even know how much you mean to me? What the f**k are u messing with my mind for?

[17:03hrs] Somehow I managed to get thru the past few hrs... I can't say that I'm feeling better but at least it hasn't gotten worse. Thought to go down to Serene Ctr for some D&D but I couldn't find my character sheet. By the time I did, I'm now too lazy to move from where I am. Guess I'll prolly end up on RO & watching Hunter X Hunter/X-Files till I go to wrk later. As for Ben... I dun really wanna think about him or about anything anymore. He said he'll call mi after he finishes wrk... that'll be like what time? I dun know, I dun wanna know... I dun really wanna care anymore. Even though some part of me still does, am just trying to ignore it all. He didn't call mi even though he said he would. I ended up calling him - as usual. *sigh* had a chat with Sean earlier, he was telling mi that I should walk away from this r/s but since I can't bear to, I don't have much of a choice but to hold on & take a gamble. I'm so sick & tired of feeling this way but I've kinda resigned to it. I don't even bother to wanna try change things anymore. I'm just drifting... wandering in nothingness... even my RO is on hold rite now, with my merchant vending in Prontera. Just 6 more job lvls. Could have been improved if not the for the darned fact that server was down for a long period of time yesterday + the night before (according to Kuruno). HaiZzz... I feel like going out now... yet I don't feel like going anywhere. I feel like going to catch a movie yet I'm too lazy to move. Ah f**k it, will stay home.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:15

Friday, November 12, 2004

I didn't go down to Phuture that nite after all. Hmm or should I say, I did go down, but didn't enter. U-turned at the bus stop... coz it was simply way too packed. There was a frigging jam along Kim Seng Rd, even the bus I was in let passengers off way b4 the bus stop - coz the traffic was simply moving at a crawl. A painful crawl. By the time I had walked to the Zouk bus stop, the bus was still stuck pretty close to the place it dropped everyone. *shrugx* Perhaps it was a good thing, perhaps not. 3 groups of my friends alredi entered Zouk but I opted to join Wenjie & his friends instaed... since itz a pretty long time since I last saw him. Dangled around the area for a bit b4 proceeding to town area, and frm there, we decided to enter Music Underground. Itz just the 2nd time I've been there but what can I say? A place to club is better than no place at all... even though the music ain't precisely to my liking. It was techno the entire nite. Bumped into Sean at the entrance, got his number in the club & his MSN addy afterwhich. Have yet to see him online though - we always seem to miss each other. Haha, like what I said to him, perhaps itz the lack of fate. lolx. Anyway, he mentioned that he'll be going down to Phuture nxt week too... and I doubt I gonna give nxt week a miss... so yeah =) MU was open till 5am but I left slightly b4 3am... got myself pretty high though, but somehow managed to get all the way home, fiddled with the PC a little - trying to get rid of all that annoying spyware, and met Ben for supper afterwhich. After supper, got home, took a bath and it was concussion till Thurs morn. lolx. I amaze myself at times, when I manage to get home after drinking (even though I didn't have as "much" as most ppl do to get too drunk). Seems like I still know my limits :P

Gosh, it was a horrible night... plagued by negative dreams, that got mi all so even the more insecure when I woke up =( What else can it be about? Nothing gets mi so down except relationships manx. It just got slightly worse coz I didn't manage to wake Ben up on time for wrk... he ended up ard 1hr late. It seems that when he stays over, he always ends up late for wrk. *sigh* Perhaps itz a better thing for mi to let him go home to sleep in future. Itz just that, itz nice not to stay goodbye after going out. Then again, perhaps I should try to let him go a little - for his own sake. I don't think itz right for me to hold him back. I wonder if he's having any doubts regarding this (like the way I am), coz yesterday he did mention twice that itz betta off being alone. He claimed he meant it as a joke, but someohow I believe, it originated frm what he feels. I dunno y I am being so bothered about this - perhaps itz coz hope hath alredi been raised so high that it'll hurt like mad if all is shattered once again. As to how far this hath proceeded, he's alredi looking into getting a flat, thinking of how to design the home & all that. I don't doubt his sincerity in this relationship. What I doubt is... if he truly knows what he's doing & if he is really willing to go thru' with it all tha way. I don't deny that I do hesitate myself... that I am still wondering if all this is worth giving up the freedom of singlehood. Like one IRC chatter told mi the other day - why don't I think that he's holding me back instead of me being the burden all the time. I've thought about it... and I believe itz true. In a way, he is holding me back as well... but sacrifices have to be made if I want to finally take a rest frm all the flight. I know though, am willing to see this thru', I just hope that I won't end up disappointed again.

Itz the 12th today - exactly 1 mth that Ben & I are together. *grinx* Itz been that fast alredi? How time doth fly. I wonder if he even remembers that. Looking frm his "pattern", I don't think he's the kind who would celebrate such anniversaries... etc. Well itz just a mth so not much of a deal. I might just bring it up to him later if I do meet him after wrk. Yeah, I don't even know if I'll get to meet him tonite. Such uncertainties, due to the nature of his job, are annoying. But I guess, no matter what, there'll be some way to wrk it out - that I'll still get to see him, even though itz for a while. I just hope that he'll do something if it ever gets to 1 year. Well... time to get prepared for an interview I gotta go. I just hope I wun be late =P

Shady self-destructed @ 10:00

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Everything turned out fine eventually... Ben didn't go up the ship, so managed to get to see him tonite =) *nod nod* went down to Jln Kayu for a little bit of slacking around. Didn't manage to get to drink the tomyam soup I wanted though... since everyone wanted to eat prata instead. Ah well, there's always other times I suppose. Anyway after that, headed off home, as usual Ben stayed with mi for a short chat at the staircase. Once again time just flew by w/o my notice. Very soon it was 3am++ and he had to go. Hmmm, I might need to work tml though. Not too sure. Zen's friend was telling mi about this promoter position @ Raffles City, under Goldlion. Thing is, she gave mi and address to go down, to let the sales rep take a look at mi... etc. but she didn't tell mi what time I'm supposed to be there -.-" Yeah tml, I'll give her a call when I wake. Not too sure if I'm allowed to wrk with my hair color... but f**k it lahx huh? If not, I'll prolly go down for the interview at Jurong. Gah, just hate it when there are so many uncertainties. I'd rather take up the sales promoter job at Raffles City though - since the gal said itz gonna be for just 5 dayz. At least if I don't like it, all I have to do is bear with it for a week, get the pay and not continue wrking. Betta than nothing, since I do need the $$. lolx... my real life reflects my RO situation. In both cases I am in need of moolah. If only there's something like the zenny knife irl. If only earning $$ is as easy as killing monsters & selling loot. Dream on.

Phuture is almost settled now. It should be 99.9% probablity that I'll be going down. Since Ben has to wrk tml... and since alot of ppl I know are going down, yeah, why not =) Even Kevin asked if i wanna go zouk tml nite. Eve of public holiday - that explains it manx. Kinda except the NS crowd tml nite as well. I just hope that there'll still be space to breathe. Hmm... Ben did promise mi that he wouldn't work on Thurs & meet mi instead... since he also needs to pass his CPF statement to Jacky. Wonder if he'll stick to his promise. /me keeping fingers crossed, as Sunday's plans might be ruined... depending on Ben's job once again. Itz quite annoying, when ur other half holds this kinda job. Ahhhh once again, there's nothing I can do but accept it. *shrugx* just lette mi get a job tml -.-" Anyway, immediate goal - get my merchant up to blacksmith by this weekend + if there's extra time, get my acolyte up to monk as well. Ookie, time to lvl up my knight then itz off to the abyss.

Shady self-destructed @ 04:05

[11:30hrs] I am the most highly irritatable when I am rudely yanked from the sanctuary of darkness back into the fucked up world of reality. Zen's friend, Alice, damn power. She SMSed mi early aroud 9am and asked mi to turn up at the address she gave mi last nite - at 10am. I didn't. I just got up. I would have turned up... if she told me last nite the time to "appear". There goes a job opportunity. *shrugx* I ain't that keen on wearing white shirt + black pants anyway... don't have any, might purchase one in the future. Well, told Sandy tat I'm giving the interview @ Jurong a miss as well. Hmm, at times I think I am way too fussy. There are job openings for me and I'm rejecting all of them. Well, I'll be turning up for the interview at 3pm though, since itz only at Centerpoint. Have yet to decide if I am riding down or otherwise - ain't too sure about the parking there. Anyway, just got off the fone frm a disastrous conversation with Ben -.-" Apparently Zen had to call him to call me to wake mi up. I called him back just earlier... and he didn't sound happy that I am going to give this job a miss. *sigh* I dunno lahx, I just hope something suitable turns up soon. I'll go mad with everyone bugging me to get a job. Think I shall just go on another reclusive streak if this carries on further... simply just "disappear" from the face of the Earth for a couple of dayz. Ben says he'll call me later, I wonder if he would. To hell with everything =( Am just spending my life waiting for a lousy fone call. My day hath been ruined. I just hope the night would be better. I hate my Life ~

[13:30hrs] Am in one of my moods again... wondering, wondering... why do I even bother to SMS him, when he doesn't SMS mi 1st? Perhaps he's bz? Perhaps he just doesn't think of me as much as I think of it. Hell, he doesn't even respond when I SMSed him. Itz always this way in a relationship - someone will be the one who loves the other party more... seems like this time itz pretty obvious who is in which role. *grinx* Well, perhaps, I shouldn't ask for anything in return... itz just that it would be nice at times when I ain't the only one doing the SMS... and that I'll get a response. /me shrugx. I just felt like blogging, feel like taking thoughts off my mind, coz once again itz eating me up inside - that he ain't responding. Once again I gotta do the waiting and trust me, the waiting process ain't good to bear. Guess this is what jemmie would call 'fan jian' - I know the shit I'm getting myself into and yet I allow myself to step into it. lolx. Yeah I know how I would feel if he doesn't respond to my SMS... I know that the probability of him responding is pretty low... and that I'll most probably end up feeling the way I dun like to feel... and yet I still picked up my fone & sent the msg. This is happening way too often... I gotta get myself detached... gotta shut down my brain for a little. I just wanna die...

Shady self-destructed @ 01:37

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

[18:58hrs] Bloody hell... where in the world did the packet of potato chips in my room disappear to? I could have sworn that I saw it just last nite. Guess what? I am f**king hungry but am too lazy to go downstairs to get something. Going downstairs means I would have to do something about how I look now and thatz a little too much effort. /me shrugx. Hmmm... good, mom came home with food. lolx. Perhaps Life ain't too bad to me today afterall. Am meeting Zen and perhaps blur later @ Jln Kayu for some slacking ard. I'll go mad if I keep myself home everyday just waiting for a phonecall... just waiting to meet someone. This week will be difficult to pass I think - Ben's gonna be wrking almost everday @ Paradigm too. Hmmm tml is the eve of a public holiday, I wonder how Phuture's crowd gonna be. Jovan just gave mi a call earlier and asked if I'm going down. I should think 90% I would be going. *grinx* Will be making my SMS rounds earlier in the morn. I wonder if Polo would wanna go if I jio him as well. I hope it wouldn't be too crowded though... I hate it when itz too crowded - coz it'll mean that i wun have place to move around + squeezing to the loo will take too much effort + time. Well... I might or might not get to meet my dear tonite. He says he has to go up some ship... etc. Work again. Gah, he does work too much. I don't like it... but I don't have much of a choice but to accept it. Much things in life are way beyond control. Itz just Fate's twisted little game I suppose - to see how humans adapt or sway along to their rhythmn. Sick manx. Sick, but again - there's nothing much I can do to change the situation. Balls to those who say a person's Fate lies in the person's own hands. I would like to see how long their positive thinking can last. I would love to be there to see their despair when they realise how wrong they actually were... same goes to those who cling on to something as hopeless as a religion. /me shrugx.

9 more job lvls to go b4 my merchant becomes a blacksmith... blew my zeny on another 2 skeleton worker cards... am officially broke on Shazz once again. Well, those 2 are cards that I'll not go hunt for so yeah, might as well. Hmmm slotted boots nxt. Fuck it, am too hungry to think much rite now. Time to eat. I eat too much lately. Am getting fat =(

[19:53hrs] *nod nod* once again I finished watching the X-Files, yet another intriguing episode. This is why I simply adore the series. It fucks with ur mind, with all the probabilities w/o actually adressing it... w/o giving an explanation to in the end... w/o an acutal conclusion. Thatz the way it should be, ain't it? Thatz the way reality is. There is no definite black or white. No real good or bad - that everything can be xplained frm different, sometimes conflicting, perspectives. I believe though, that everything happens for a reason that somehow we'll never find out... that we'll never learn to comprehend. Perhaps itz part of a bigger picture, perhaps itz just nothing at all. It all depends on faith. Faith is a powerful tool. It can be used to motivate a person, it can be used to make ppl do things they never thought possible. I've always had faith in the ablity of a person's mind - that u can do anything ur mind truly believes u can. Hence, if u ask... do I believe in the existence of a God. I can't exactly answer you. Look at those ppl with faith - God exists, for them... even if it's only in their minds. For a person like me, who doesn't know real peace... who questions everything, I can jolly well say that God doesn't exist in me. Perhaps someday, things will change but I ain't gonna think that far ahead. However, that ain't an excuse for weakness of a person's soul. Religion should be an aid, not a liablity.

"Believe in a miracle and you are halfway there." - Agent Scully

"People are looking so hard for miracles that sometimes they make themselves see what they wanna see." - Agent Mulder

Two contrasting quotes from Season 1 Episode 18 - "Miracle Man". Both make sense. Anyway, I shall not allow my mind to drift further than it hath alredi drifted for today - I have stuff yet to do (like levelling). Besides, my previous blog entry hath yet been complete... the one reagarding Roswell and UFOs. I'll think about such matters again another day. Hopefully I'll find the determination to sit down & finish reading a book that is due this Fri - something related to the prophecised 2nd coming of Christ. F**k manx, go back library return the book still must settle fines. Always seem to forget the due date or get myself too lazy to return the blook. I hope the library across the road opens soon. I can't imagine how much I'll clock up in fines at this rate I'm going. Me & sloth... kinda goes hand in hand. *shrugx*

Shady self-destructed @ 20:05

To hell with Kelly's Services. This is the 2nd time they're calling me w/o a job alredi - plus itz the same girl... Evelyn. The 1st time she called, told me there was a weekend position, I told her I don't mind doing it, she said she'll get back to me and she never did. This time, she called, saying something about data entry, I told her again, data entry will be kewl... once again, she said she'll get back to me. I seriously seriously doubt that she will do that. Itz kinda f**ked huh? Calling ppl up, giving them traces of hope and then disappear w/o so much of a notice... only to call back not too far in the future, for something else. Does she think that itz a game? Does it amuse her that much? Dunno, after the interview @ Kelly's Services in Temasek Poly, I alredi didn't quite like the company. Adecco is much better in terms of job placement... thing is, I've applied with them a few times alredi and I don't feel like doing it again - especially after what happened the previous time... with the briefing clashing with my graduation and me opting to go for my graduation instead. *shrugx* it was the logical choice. I won't get to attend another graduation ceremony while I don't believe I won't get another chance of getting a job... plus I ain't that keen on the job. Hmm... as I was blogging, Sandy frm Recruit Express called mi as well. Gotta go down to Jurong tml for an interview. Oh manx, is it really that difficult to find a job? I just hope that it ain't difficult to find parking there tml... dun really wanna take a train down unless itz raining. tsk tsk...

Shady self-destructed @ 15:20

*yawn* am exhausted. Yesh.. itz just 4:10am and I am almost about to enter dreamland. Really sleepy but am feeling happy =) Itz been a wonderful few dayz... with my dear by my side 24/7 - with exception of the minutes either of us goes to the loo or to take a bath. Met up with him Sat noon, went to his place... did a little washing of my baby, then itz off to wrk at Paradigm. He spent the nite over & we went off to Sentosa the nxt day. Heh... the initial intention was, he takes a rest at my place on Sun nite, and then go off home but apparently both of us fell asleep and didn't wake up till the nxt morning. Woke up too late, he took and MC... and he only left my side around 12:25am earlier. Well, I wouldn't say that it was perfect all the time - there were periods of time when my mood wasn't too good for various reasons but it was wonderful, how he was willing to spend all that time with me. I just hope he doesn't get bored of looking @ me so often. lolx yeah we were pretty bored earlier today - to the extent that we didn't know what to do... after all that aimless walking ard Bugis (that got me into quite a bad mood). Ended up at Pitstop Bistro for a drink. Time just passes real quickly whenever I'm with Ben... before we knew it, it was like time to go home and all. Hate it when I gotta say goodbye to him. Gahhh now I am starting to sound like some lovesick little puppy... perhaps I am. lolx. Friends have told me to take it slow. But guess, I would prefer to enjoy it while it lasts - though I am still hoping that perhaps somehow, this will last forever.

Shady self-destructed @ 04:36

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Itz 8:53am and I am wide awake. Yesh... fully wide awake - unlike the times when I just force myself up to game. My intention was to snooze till 10:30am to watch pokemon. But noooooo Ben had to wake mi up and get mi so awake - just to open the door for him, according to him. *sigh* How am I supposed to stay up the entire noon & go to wrk later (that is assuming that I am scheduled... have yet to receive a confirmation SMS frm Desmond)? As for the noon, I dunno. Ben's gonna help Zen with his bike & he's asking mi to go down... dunno for what. I might, and I might not. Am tempted to just go Serene Ctr for D&D instead. Have yet to truly play my drow. Ah well... the giving up of total freedom is the price to pay for being attached *grinx* definitely I'll choose to spend time with my dear instead of doing something else, for that, I've no complaints - since according to him, he's doing the same too. Well at least we have mutual friends, so we ain't totally devoid of the social aspect. Ah well... see how things go lahx ~ just one thing... itz evil to start something and not finish it *mumbles* vengeance will be mine.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:48

Friday, November 05, 2004

Had a short chat with kp on MSN while hunting for emperium. Apparently he's feeling the same kinda insecurities that I do and he pretty much thinks on the same wavelength in terms of relationships. *sigh* I wonder... the words I said to him, was it as much for myself as well? Seems like in the process am trying to convince myself not to give up on the relationshp... to just hold on, take the risk - itz either all or nothing. Listed out the options that I've had while blogging. Well... anyway he managed to clear his mind a little and go to sleep for now. I know that peace he's having now won't last long though, soon the insecurities will return. Am... well... used to that & I daresay he's going thru what I go thru' as well. Everything is caused by past negative experiences. Ah well... anyway ain't gonna think of it anymore tonite. Locke went to buy an emp eventually & now TM is back on Shazz. Managed to get a romantic leaf for myself earlier. Hmm wonder if I shall propose to Locke. /gg it'll be pretty kewl ehx?? To have another assassin as my husband - a different kind of sin, at that. Well more training tml I suppose. Will hunt for angeling. I want those angel wings!!~! Locke took the previous pair... bleahX

Shady self-destructed @ 05:17

Itz a mixture of feelings tonite. 1st, I was pissed coz my mom just overturned my life a little. Then met up with Ben, went down to Bt. Gombak for coffee with kp, Nic & a few other guys. It was then the rage changed to boredom coz I simply felt like an "extra"... nothing much to stay to them... etc. Then a kitten came and climbed onto my lap, things felt betta alredi. During the conversations, Ben casually mentioned that when he's alone, he'll just take his bike & go around... stuff like that. I then made a comment that he doesn't need me after all. He shruged it off as a joke, but I was pretty serious when I said that. Insecurity stepped into play once again. After that, went down to east coast for some sea breeze... it was enjoyable for a while. Till I had to ask a stupid question. I asked if the reason for Ben liking mi is coz I liked him. I got an answer I didn't wish to receive - he said "yes". *sigh* I know, perhaps the reason for loving someone doesn't matter... so as long the person loves you... but it just didn't feel good to hear that he likes mi coz I like him. Coz as what Nicky mentiond earlier, I am head over heels with this guy - fallen into a pit so deep that I can't even see where I entered from. *nod nod* I am in one of my insecure moods once again. I just... I dunno why I feel this way even. Like kp said... maybe he doesn't need mi in his life but he's trying to let mi in. Perhaps I should feel glad enuff that he does? Perhaps I am just asking too much from him. Hmm is it true? That you shouldn't ask for anything in return when u truly love someone? But ain't it human nature to wish for mutual feelings? I read in Kit's MSN nick - just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that he doesn't love you with all his heart. Well maybe itz just that I'm thinking way too much... due to having too much free time on my hands. Just hope it is that way.

Shady self-destructed @ 02:58

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Itz me vs the world, and everyone else.

I am feeling so drained. Mentally & physically. Physically due to many factors: didn't get enuff sleep last nite/this noon, went too many places today, the weather, had too heavy a lunch & somehow my abs are aching. *yawnx* mentally coz I just had a huge arguement with my mom earlier. Hmm to be exact I was simply telling her off, not even bothering to listen to the feebles attempts she made in defending herself. Itz plain, u bitch, stop telling those lies. I've never believed the words u say and don't think I ever will. So what has she done now? As if she didn't fuck my life up enuff. She has to go around telling my friends (all that come to bunk over) about me, how I don't have a job, how I am "not doing anything" but staying at home to play games in the day then going out late at nite.. etc. Portrays herself as this concerned mom who is worried about mi. Guess what happens nxt? My friends come to nag at me!!~! Telling mi that I should be betta to my mom, that she's a nice person, that she's worried... etc. I mean... fuck u woman!!!~! Don't u know I can see that? Why can't u just see things from my point of view for once in this fucking lifetime?! I AM looking for a job!!~! For a job that I'll enjoy and I'll stay for years to come - not some stupid job I don't enjoy and quit within months. That requires TIME!!~! What do u not understand that I've sent in applications and had yet to get responds? Apply for anything? You think I'm like you? I ain't satisfied with just $$. Fuck the degree. A degree means nothing to me. I am looking for something suitable to my lifestyle & something that will give mi ample job statisfaction, allow me to learn enuff stuff. Why doesn't anyone understand my situation? You think I like this? Staying at home day in and out, looking at that face of urs, listening to ur nagging? What do u not understand by STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE!!!~! I am seriously tempted to just move out - whether I get a place or not... cut contact with everyone in my life... yesh EVERYONE, and just disappear from the fucking face of this Earth. I just want to be left alone. I am really going crazy. I threatened my mom - that I'll fucking stab her in the night, when she sleeps, if whatever she says affects the relationships I have with my friends rite now. u know, when my friends nag... I tend to lose my patience and it eventually leads to more arguements & bad feelings. If my social life or my love life suffers coz of this, I swear I will carry out my threat. yesh, everyone who is reading my blog can bear witness to this. I wouldn't escape a murder. Itz something I'm willing to see thru'. I wonder if my words had the desire impact on her. It was meant to hurt, bad. Yesh I am evil. I know, I shouldn't be doing this to my mom, but she has to learn... that the world ain't all like she seems, that ppl close to her can be pissed off with whatever she does, and that she ain't correct 100% of the time and that I've grown up and should be left alone!!~!

Do I regret those words? What do u think? I do... but at that point of time, it felt good when I told them to her - when I said those words and told her that she'll burn in Hell for all this shit she's doing to me... and that she knows what she has done - the reasons I hate her so rite now. She messed up my life. Since birth. I am grateful, for her taking care of me... etc. What I'm not grateful for is that she sheltered me from everything in life, that I never knew that there are so many things out there which can hurt me till I get hurt - very badly. I blame it on myself for being naive... and I blame it on my parents for bringing mi up this way. The reason why my social life suffers now, why I grew up a loner, why my mind became so twisted & warped. Itz all thanx to my parents. They made me this way. You think it doesn't hurt when I do this? It does. Itz just that ppl view mi in such a negative light that they think it doesn't... they think that it brings me some form of sadistic pleasure. I don't deny the pleasure is there. But the emotional knife I used to stab those related to me by blood, the same knife cuts me even more. Doesn't matter though... am used to pain. I am not an ungrateful brat. I know what my parents have done for me, and what they've done to me. My duty as a child will be fulfilled, that I assure everyone. That is if they don't fuck up my life anymore. If they do... they'll just wait and see. I really feel like punching something/someone rite now... if only I have a sandbag. But since I don't, think I'll just settle for cigarette.

Shady self-destructed @ 20:53

Thanx ShazzRO... really T-H-A-N-X. If Locke ain't still on it, I would have probably quit alredi. After what happened yet again. After hours of hunting, I finally managed to pick up an emperium b4 I left for Phuture last nite and guess what happened? Yet another rollback!!~! Apparently it was a script thatz causing the corruption of data. But don't u think itz pretty coincidental that rollbacks tend to happen between 7-12am (Singapore time)? Locke was suspecting that some asshole kept skill spamming... and it just has to happen around that time huh - when normally will be waiting for Ben to come pick mi up and will be RO-ing in the meantime. I knew something was wrong when I logged on and my assassin appeared in Prontera. How much exp did I lose, I wonder. Thatz it, I ain't gonna play in the evenings anymore... which means I gotta find something else to do if am staying at home during the nites. Can't afford getting caught up in any more rollbacks to come. Coz itz pissing the hell outta me - especially when I find such a rare item!!~! If the f**king rollback didn't take place, we would have a guild by now *mumbles* Gahhh we're now hunting for the golden thief bug - higher chance of a drop... thing is... where in the world is that bloody bug? Even if we found it, wonder if itz possible for us to kill it... with the mobs surrounding. 2 assassins vs a cockroach. Seriously, a million curses to the person/s who caused the stoopid rollback.

Anyway last nite @ Phuture rawks!!~! Basically coz alot of ppl I knew went down *grinx* oops, Polo was there too... and was looking for me. Managed to avoid him though, since I was with Ben. No no there's nothing going on between Polo & me but I dun wanna have any misunderstandings cause since Polo likes to dance pretty close to me. Jovan went eventually, despite saying that she doesn't want to initially. Hmm and know what? Jovan met up with a friend there and introduced us to him... he turned out to be someone who watched me grow up. lolx. Yeah another neighbour of mine - a pretty cute guy that I've been trying to talk to since I was younger =P Tended to bump into him in the lift pretty often but just nvr got tha chance to speak to him. Ah well, added him to friendster now =)

Ugh, think I had a little too much to drink last nite, tummy feels weird now.. and itz getting worse as I eat the vege tom yam cup noodles. Don't have much of a choice though, am really hungry *mumbles* can't exactly wait another 2hr for lunch.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:29

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Oh manx what the fuck is wrong with ShazzRO lately? They had another rollback yet again last nite *curses n swears* There goes all the zeny I've earned (bought a zenny knife), my steel chonchon egg, there goes my detrimindexta and there goes my opera masque!!~! Yesh... I spent ard 3hrs hunting for the singing plant + detrimindexta & was about to logon to hunt for an emperium when I realised that they rolled back. Thankfully I didn't spend the entire nite on Shazz or I would have really screamed. But still... it was hours put into the game wasted. I just can't stand the fact that rollbacks are always done during the hours that I manage to play. Ah f**k it, just hope I can get the singing plant b4 I take my noon nap. Will leave the detrimindexta hunting for my knight or acolyte. *nod nod* got my opera masque now... emperium emperium - think this is gonna be one long hunt. The drop rate is like 0.1%, might be stuck here for like dayz. lolx, ah well will go back hunting for steel once I get overweighted - this place is starting to make me feel claustrophobic... not to mention itz a pain getting down to lvl 3 thru all that maze. Will follow Locke's example and buy fly wings down here the nxt time. That is if there is a next time. Might switch over to orc dungeon instead. At least there ain't such a pain. Hmm Sphinx ain't as bad as Coal Mines though... that one sux big time!!~! Ahhh watz the deal with Shazz, both mi and Locke keep getting d/ced and this ain't the 1st time itz happening to mi.

Anyway, to look on the bright side, I could be more badly affected by the rollback if Ben didn't ask mi out last min yesterday nite. Initial plan is to RO & FL the entire nite but when I was online, Ben suddenly asked if I wanted to go JB - Zen jioed apparently. I said okay... but we ended up not going coz Zen didn't have his passport with him -.-" Went for a drink instead, had some durians & then they went off to play pool. Grrr... it just ain't fair ehx? When I asked if Ben wanted to meet mi, he said he was tired and wants to go home to rest. But when Zen jios him he just goes out. Asked him about it and he said itz coz he wanted to see mi. lolx... I hope thatz true =) Ah well... he ended up staying over at my place, got him for another nite. So I don't really care what the actual intention was... so as long as I got him over. *grinx* Well he's supposed to come with mi to Phuture tonite, which means there is a high probabilty that he's gonna bunk over at my place again. Even though it means less PC time... ah well, quite a worthy sacrifice I suppose. Anyway I have all the time in the day to use the PC when I want to. Hmm time to return to sphinx... then it'll be for a nap & see if Jovan wants to accompany mi down to Raffles City to fill up an application form @ Esprit. Wonder if Ben will even SMS mi at all today.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:04

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

[18:21hrs] Took a short trip around town today - never knew that those small roads existed till Ben brought mi around. Hmmm his job seems pretty interesting manx, u get to drive around, meet all sorts of ppl... etc. Well, he took mi out for lunch & for a drive around while he met his suppliers - all during working hours, winner huh? Said that itz to make up for not meeting up with mi tonite. Supposedly he's feeling tired & wants to take a rest at home. Ah well... shall let him be I guess. At least he came down to meet mi for a short while =) As to whether he'll go home to rest or not, ah well... thatz up to him to decide I suppose. *mumbles* I can't say I trust him fully but if he really wants to do anything else, nothing I can do about it... taken up alot of his time alredi & I suppose he does need some time to himself. /me shrugx. yeah it seems as if I'm trying to convince myself thru blogging huh? That I don't deny. Rather let the thoughts out than keep them inside. So what am I gonna do for the rest of the nite... game, watch my downloads & prolly read. Don't really feel like going out today. Been a long time since I just stayed home. *nod nod* Should do that. Hopefully Ben will just come on MSN later to chat with mi or gimme a fone call or something ~ am gonna miss him. My blog is sounding so shallow lately - I seem to blog about nothing else except my dear. Think should stop myself frm doing that.

Decided to add on to the previous post rather than start a new one. *shrugx* As expected, am now experiencing the waiting period -.-" Did almost everything I could to keep mind off matters but can't help wondering what he's doing rite now. He's prolly either slacking at home or gone off for a haircut. Am trying to reisist the urge to SMS him. Frequent SMSes can be quite an irritation if it goes on long enuff - said this many times in my blog alredi and eventually I'll still end up making the 1st annoyance. Gah. Willpower manx... Shady... willpower!!~! Bloody hell, I am so goddamned weak!!~! Ah well... anyway downloaded Winamp v5.05 earlier and am now tuning into winamp net radio. Downloading Initial D as well - don't think I wanna wait for blur to lend the VCDs to me... that'll prolly take forever. Might as well d.i.y. Perhaps I should just go watch some X-Files in order to keep my concentration elsewhere. At the same time, let my FL character work. lolx. It seems as if I am starting to get addicted to FL all over again.

Shady self-destructed @ 19:35

Can't believe that I'm back on Fairyland!!~! yeah, managed to get an account yesterday - thanx to Zid, and now am working my character once again... and Locke is online as well. Itz a shame that there's gonna be a wipe after closed beta testing. I believe Triple Moons is gonna make a reappearance once open beta starts. I wonder if Abz is coming back. Been a long time since I even saw her on MSN... guess she must have been bz with her wedding and such. Heh, when I started playing FL again yesterday, it took quite sometime to get used to the keyboard shortcuts once again. Keep using the RO-style... same problem I had when I switched frm FL to RO. lolx. Itz amazing how things grow on u huh? Applies to everything outside gaming as well. Even everyday actions. Do something often enuff and it becomes incorporated into your subcon. Ask me to tell u the shortcuts I'll prolly go errr... ask mi to show them to you, yeah I'll be able to do it. Kinda on auto-pilot. Not to mention, attachment to objects/ppl you spend alot of time with. It was difficult to give up FL due to my pets previously. Still kinda miss X|aoAlex. lolx... and SD, are u taking good care of my p-chan? XD

Well my pets (both in game and irl) are not the only things I'm getting real attached to. Am starting to feel that I can't possibly live w/o my dear now. Though itz been such a short time with him... I guess the reason is coz I see him almost daily. Oh yeah, am pleased with the weather last nite *grinx* no doubt, had to ride in the rain down to Ben's place but itz coz of the notion of rain... that Ben decided to send mi home & afterwhich, stayed over at my place ^-^ I like it when he stays over coz itz always very difficult to say goodbye at the end of the day/night. Didn't do much though, coz it was pretty late when we got back... watched some VCD, ate some junk food bought frm 7-11 & Cheers, and then it was off to dreamland - actually he slept even b4 the VCD ended. I hope he got to wrk on time today though. It was a pain waking him up. The alarm just kept ringing till it stopped by itself... by the time he left, it was around 8:05am alredi. I wonder if I'll get to see him today. Said he'll call me after wrk, as usual, will see how then I suppose. As usual, I know the waiting time is gonna kill me again. I know, I'm being pretty selfish with wanting to meet him daily... but... well... *mumbles* Even last evening, when he went to meet his bro Jacky, I tagged along & we ended up watching VCDs at Jacky's place b4 coming back to mine. Seriously I wonder, am I interfering much with his personal life? I hope that he won't find me being too intrusive... since he don't exactly get alot of personal time ever since he go together with me. Ah well, I'll find a chance to talk to him about it. Anyway, I guess all will change when I start wrk.

Darn, the more I think about wrk, the more du lan I get. nvm... will go for interviews later I suppose. Jovan mentioned about Esprit wanting to hire promoters... nvr wrked in that position b4, guess I would just go ahead & give it a shot. /me shrugx. In the meantime, itz working on FL and prolly levelling/hunting a little on Shazz. Pity that I can't run both games at the same time - tend to get graphic errors... with either screen going black. Gah!

Shady self-destructed @ 10:24

Monday, November 01, 2004

lolx I'm glad I went to ShazzRO's Halloween event. Got to be a Marin, a Kafra and a Soldier Skeleton!!~! hahahah ~ too bad the change ain't permanant. I'll be back to my normal ol' assassin when I logout of the client. Would love to keep the client on overnight just for the kick of it but I think my poor devi-chan will starve. ah well... was fun while it lasted. Good things just don't remain forever, but memories definitely stay. This betta not happen to my relationship though!!~! *grinx* Here are some screenshotZ. Enjoy manx ~

Sakuya Rei (marin) & Locke (kafra)

Kafra army in Prontera. Girl Power!!~!
(from left: Furion, sephiroth, Sakuya Rei, GM Minawa & Locke)

Monsters unite in Gonryun ^-^

Shady self-destructed @ 04:45

Mmmmm had pizza for dinner earlier - finally!!~! lolx, goodness knows how long hath the pizza-craving been existent ^-^ Anyway didn't do much today. Half the day was spent sleeping. Yeah the initial plan was to go Sentosa to relak, take a few photographs... etc but apparently neither mi nor Ben managed to get up early enuff. It was around 5+ in the evening when we actually woke. Kinda expected, since we didn't get back till 5+ in the morning, after the ktv. Gahhh, should have just gone home early to watch VCDs instead. I called in sick for wrk last nite, went down to Marina South for BBQ steamboat with my dear. Met up with blur after that, then itz ktv till 4am. *shrugx* After pizza, went down to have a drink with Zen, tok cock a bit then headed off home. Well... I would love to have my dear around a little while more but guess I should let him go home to sleep. He has to wrk no matter what. Grr... and now he is taking a very long time to call me again. At the speed he rides, he should be home by now. Wonder if he just went to meet a friend or whatever, like the other time and hopefully it ain't Alvin again!!~! Actually am quite kewl if he goes out with his friends etc... I just don't like the idea that he's sacrificing sleep for all that. Ah well... call liaox. /gg You know, part of me just wants to believe the stuff he says lohx. He's alredi thinking of getting a place of our own, move out... etc but I doubt it'll be as soon as it sounds. Anyway, the future is still uncertain. Just that it'll be nice if everything that is mentioned turns out as planned. Pooh, I can't believe it, am alredi thinking of the probability of settling down with someone whom I've yet to date for 1 mth. But time doesn't really mean much huh? It'll be nice lohx, if we live together. At least I'll get to see him every nite. Heh, crapz, this is so unlike me... but yeah, just let mi enjoy it while it lasts. /me keeps fingers crossed. I want it to last forever.

Hmm if I get up early enuff tml, guess I'll be going for interviews and such as well. If not, paranoia is just gonna take over me someday & I just don't wanna screw up this relationship. I mean, as in, I'll do my part... so even if it doesn't wrk out, at least I know it ain't of my doing. I am still feeling insecure but am trying to ignore it. *sigh* All I know is, the more I am at home thinking of it, the worse it becomes. Anyway, kinda made up my mind... either I'm going into F&B or govt. service - depending which job I manage to get 1st I suppose. My plan is to get into F&B, and if govt service does call, I'll go for the interviews and all... if I manage to get the job, then I'll consider. I guess those 2 career paths are more suited for my character. All those long, irregular hours - somehow I think itz more "in-tune" with my lifestyle. Can't afford to have too much free time. I just dread the thought of wrking in an office day in day out. Faking all the way, meeting clients, being desk bound, dressing up, getting along with feeble-minded colleagues that I wouldn't even wanna talk to if I don't have a choice. Perhaps later I'll send in another application to Singapore Prisons. I wonder if it'll be considered as spamming but 2 applications shouldn't be too exaggerated (considering that the last application ain't exactly complete coz I didn't have my SIM results at that point of time)?

In the meantime, short-term goal for tonite, get my swordie into a knight. Then the rest of the time I'm awake, I'll spend it hunting for items I guess... either headgear or steel for my wind damascus. And if I have more additional time, I might just get my blacksmith or acolyte up a few more lvls as well. As for my mage... ah well, I'll only play her when I'm too bored. lolx.

Shady self-destructed @ 01:51

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

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