Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Saturday, October 30, 2004

I feel like kicking myself in the ass rite now, for the lack of willpower. Yep, I gave Ben a call. What I got frm him was a hurried "I'll call you back...", which gets mi all the more paranoid. Shouldn't have called. Should have just went to sleep or something. Serves myself right. I hate being alive. Why am I even be allowed to exist? Pooh!!~! Should have just gone for the game @ Serene Ctr and not thought so much about anything else.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:09

"It means whatever you want it to mean." - Those were the words Fox Mulder offered Dana Scully at the end of episode 15, Lazarus. Those words somehow struck a chord in me. A simple situation can lead to different perceptions, based on a person's interpretation. Nothing is certain to a 3rd party. Only the exact people involved will know. That particular episode of X-Files is about this FBI agent who returned from the dead... except that he seems to be the other guy who posessed his body. However, he posesses memories of both parties, even the machine registers 2 heartbeats. So itz pretty much uncertain if he's just the same FBI agent who broke down mentally due to stress, coupled with a near-death incident or if somehow, the other guy's spirit went into his body when it was revived. Supposedly, those who have a near-death incident are unable to wear a watch. When Scully was given the agent's watch after his death (the 2nd time - the permanant one), she realised that the watch had stopped at the exact time the agent went into cardiac arrest. Mulder offered those words when Scully asked him what does that mean. Most of the X-Files espisodes are w/o proper conclusion, leaving viewers to come out with their own rationale. Well, maybe because there ain't a certain ending that will satisfy everyone. Even the previous episode, when Scully opted not to listen to her father's last words... claiming that no matter what, she knows what he's gonna say, coz he's her father.

*nod nod* Once again its the waiting period, hence the enormous amounts of blogging... trying to calm my thoughts... etc. Am looking at my ashtray with a cigarette stub in it. Just finished lunch and I badly need to smoke. Just that - am too f**king lazy to go down and get a packet of cigs. Smoked my last one at JB last nite and forgot to replenish my stock. Gahhhh I am starting to get pretty dependent on those nicotine sticks. Itz a craving pretty difficult to ignore and itz getting worse by the second. pfffttttt I just hope Ben turns up soon, so I can snitch a stick frm him. Obviously that ain't my only reason, I just wanna see him soon. I wonder if he's even finished with work. No call, no SMS, nothing watsoever. Making it worse is my fone beeps from SMSes from other ppl -.-" The hope that comes when the fone beeps & the disappointment when its not from the person u are waiting for *grinx* I bet everyone is famillar with this kinda feeling. Anyway, I did mention earlier, that I'll try deal with it. So I guess... will try to resist the temptation of calling him up for as long as possible. Itz all about the willpower. I have an inclination that I'll be the one making 1st contact though. Ah well... wadever. RO time.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:21

*yawnx* It was a wonderful nite ^-^ Ben did give me a call after wrk and I went down to his place to pick him up... went down to Ubi to get his bike, went home to put mine & went down to JB. The Yee Mee & TomYam tasted way good. The guys went to play a few games of billard afterwhich then itz heading back to sg around 3am. Ben snoozed over at my place last nite, just left this morning - heh he was late for wrk as expected. Weird tat I didn't even hear the alarm clock ring. Gahhhh I should start making him sleep earlier. Seems like lately he's been late for wrk pretty frequently. But ain't totally my fault if I ain't with him yeah? Well... now all I can do is wait for him to finish. Said he'll go home, change his clothes & then come over to my place after he finishes wrk. I wonder what time will that be - since he's supposed to finish ard 12:30pm. Knowing him, there'll prolly be delays... etc and he'll end up at my place in the evening I suppose. *shrugx* Am trying not to think too much so yeah, will leave it as that. I know that the waiting time later's gonna kill me though, all that looking at the clock, wondering why the promised fone call is taking so long... etc - will somehow try to deal with it I suppose, though I don't know how exactly at this point of time. *thinks* Ben was surprisingly nice to me last nite though, much more attentive than usual. Wonder why, but ah well, itz a good thing so I shouldn't bother too much about it... just hope that it'll continue this way =.=

Just finished watching pokemon & itz gonna be time for durians soon. Oh yeah the pet food NPC & Blacksmith items NPCs are back in Prontera!!~! Woohoo!!~! Shoot hath increased itz price from 15z to 150z though *mumbles* but apple juice is now 30z. Way kewl. They are no longer selling tames though, too bad. Thankfully I had bought my bapho jr. tames way b4 they made any changes. Hmmm will be hunting steel for awhile b4 I ask someone, prolly Zid, to forge a Wind Damascus for me. Am broke so will spend sometime hunting for zeny too. lol. Client aint updating too well though. F**king hell, itz disconnecting damn often either... just when I am killing a Sky Petit. Petit Petit... France's Emmanuel Petit... heehee. I wonder if thatz becoz I can't update the client well enuff - shazz is always filled of such irritating problems. Makes me wonder if I'm the only one facing these frequent disconnects. Just hopefully the problem will be rectified soon - ain't the 1st time such things are happening, but *keeping fingers crossed* it betta not be anything to do with the virus attacks 2 nites ago. As to why am I still playing it instead of other private servers... ah well, am just too lazy to retrain and regain the items I alredi have here. So as long there ain't another character wipe, guess I'll be staying... especially now that Locke is back & he's gonna recreate Triple Moons. Speaking of TM, I can't wait to get back to FL for the US open beta. I wonder if the old Triple Mooners are coming back - that's all everything began anyway, we played & moved on together. Hmmm can't seem to register for an account though. Ah well, it ain't that urgent. Just can't wait to play again =)

As for now, durian time. Been thinking of eating durian since last nite.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:23

Friday, October 29, 2004

I seem to be spamming my blog. lolx. Ah well, am currently wrking on my blacksmith-wannabe... damn sian. Apparently the NPC selling raw materials is no longer around. Which means, I gotta spend the nxt hr, after I get my merchant up to blvl 40, hunting for steel. Heh, at least I managed to get myself a cake hat earlier!!~! Itz been raining non-stop these few dayz. Am getting quite sian of it... perhaps later I'll just pop over to the carpark and warm up my bike engine for a little. Been around 3 dayz since I last rode the bike. At this rate I am riding, I wonder when will I ever finish running-in. 1000km seems impossible to attain. I seem to travel like 20km max per week. lolx. Well Ben is gonna go collect his bike later which means he has no choice but to meet mi today - even if it's for a short while. His helmet was left at my place the other nite... so no matter what, he will fulfil his promise of meeting up with mi today. BleahX ~ Aiyah guess I should stop thinking of this... will try to get myself back into the "bo chup" attitude of everything. Need a job need a job, which reminds me. I should go send an application to CNB and stop blogging. Today's blog been long enuff alredi. Maybe watch some X-Files later... then tonite bring my bike out for a short run, no matter what.

Shady self-destructed @ 15:58

Luck ain't good. PC was struck by a virus last nite/early morning... ard 3:58am. My anti-virus managed to detect it and remove the infected files but when I booted up the PC earlier, some error did appear. I have no idea what program that error is supposed to be for & am keeping my fingers crossed that whatever virus was transmitted, it'll be cleaned up by my anti-virus. IE really is the cause of alot of infection. Got this suspicion that when Jovan came over the previous time, she did use IE. Coz had some IE-related error as well. Gahhhhhh hate it when ppl use my PC. Can't they just sit down, watch a movie file & not touch anything else? Anyway... gd luck to me ~ I know I'll simply die if my PC gives up on me at this point of time.

Shady self-destructed @ 07:46

Durians rawk. Just ate an entire packet of 'em. Why do I get the feeling that I gonna wake up with a sore throat hours later?? *grinx* Anyway... here's something I've scribbled while working at Paradigm last weekend - pretty much reflects the mood I've been feeling for the past week or so. The words just came w/o much thought. Well, I've always had more inspiration when I am depressed or when something is bothering me. Guess misery is the best muse someone can have. Either misery or drugs -.-"

Living in doubt, bordering on the edge of depression
Eyes shrouded by an insubstantial blindfold
Soul caged, wings bound by restless thoughts
Deeply ingrained is the need to be free
Free of the invisible chains that bind me so
Chains put there by choice, chains placed to protect
A heart that once been shattered, never mended
The chains have become a prison that I can't escape
Many times I have been shown the door to freedom
Yet many times I've declined walking thru' it
Afraid. Afraid of what I may see beyond
Afraid that once again my existence will be threatened
For there is a huge price to pay if it fails
A price that I might no longer be able to afford
When hopes are higher so are the stakes
This is merely no longer playing with fire
The logical mind rejects all that the heart desires
The very being cries out from pain & anguish
Ravaging my sanity, invading my sanctuary
I just don't know what it means to be me anymore

I hate you for making my life a living hell
I hate you for offering to show me the door
I hate you for the options you have presented me
I hate you so much that at times I'd wish
That you would just walk away and not return
Walk away and leave me in my very cell
Behind the very walls I've built around my soul
But yet I do adore you, much more than you'll ever know
So much that I can't bear to see you simply depart
Should I trade an instant of pain - of letting you go
For a lifetime of uncertainty caused by my active mind?
The questions I'm faced with, the dilemia of it all
How are you ever to begin to understand?
I wish to just show you what I've written
Yet somehow am afraid of what you'll think
Someday sometime somehow I will crumble under it all
Will you be there to take my hand when it happens?
To be my pillar of support in the midst of a storm
To hold me and speak the very words I wanna hear?
Or would you be the one to twist the knife
To further tear open my already bleeding wounds?

It seems like all the time I am waiting
Waiting for something to happen, for a path to be revealed
Yet somehow I know the path is already lain before me
It is me who hath yet make a decision

Shady self-destructed @ 03:29

Just got off the phone with Ben approx 5 min ago. The fonecall lasted around 1hr and I daresay itz one of the most stressful ones I had - with anyone. Half of the time, it was awkward silence... 1/4 was me talking & he not really responding, the other 1/4 he was spouting rubbish - nothing related to what I was telling him b4. Frankly, I have no idea whatz going on. I really hope that the explanation for this situation is the simplest one... that he is just plain tired. Well, you can see how little trust I have in a person huh? He didn't even want to meet mi tonite. Just keep claiming that he was tired. I wonder why can't I place more trust into this relationship. I would want to, but somehow, his words don't tally at times. He told me he was at wrk earlier... I asked him to call me using his wrkplace number but he didn't, he called using his handfone instead, claiming that he went out to buy food. Earlier when he called me from home, he said he was waiting for dinner. So what happened to the food he went out to buy? I have too overactive an imagination, that I know, but err... can anyone really blame me for thinking too much? I guess, the best way to get thru this is detach myself emotionally. Is it even possible for me at this point of time? It seems like I've stepped in way too deep that itz getting difficult to pull out - to the extent that I ain't even sure if I wanna even try pulling out. We've been together for like 2 weeks and alredi such problems are showing. Perhaps I should just have a talk with him and try make him see what I'm feeling. Would he even understand? He says he'll give me a call tml when he wakes up... and he says he'll meet me tml. Well, guess there's nothing much more for me to do but simply wait and see what happens. Gotta get myself mentally prepared for the fact that he might need to "do some OT" and end up tired, not meeting me again. And that he'll be so "busy" tml that he wouldn't have time to call me either. Well... maybe like what ppl hath said to me before... I do need a therapist, coz I am mentally sick. Very sick.

Watched Ladder 49 earlier @ Beach Rd. It was a good movie. Definitely one of the better ones I've seen recently - it sure beats The Ouija Board hands down, and itz much betta than The Exorcist and 2046. The life of a firefighter sure looks interesting, dealing with fires, death... etc. All that bravery. Hmm... in the movie, relationship problems surface are evident as well. This firefighter, his kids are worried, his wife is worried... and he contemplates quitting his job. *shrugx* Guess this is the reality of Life. That u can't reach ur full potential if you have someone - that no matter how much u love someone, that person just holds u back, brings u down. Fear and worry drags u down... and in a relationship, somehow, those 2 emotions are very much in play. Maybe I should just cut off all emotional strings in my life. Maybe...

Shady self-destructed @ 01:53

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Interview didn't go well. Interviewer seemed like she was in a rush. Asked mi a few brief questions, didn't give mi the time to think about it and give a proper answer then she said she'll contact mi if anything ~ gahhh, seems to be a negative response. F**k it. Will continue flipping thru tha papers tml. Phuture tonite didn't go well either. Nicky was half-gone the time I got there, and after a while, she was totally a goner. *shrugx* I wonder what did she take to make herself so drunk. Never seen her in such a state b4. Previously she could down like 5 bottles of Heineken and still dance. Today... she was literally puking all over herself. So not to mention, I didn't do much dancing tonite, got just a few drinks into my system and I left. Well obviously I did make sure that Nicky got home. Ben came down to pick mi up so I asked him to send her off too... Ziqin was the one doing the carrying though. lolx. Well... am glad that Ben came to pick mi up =) I was getting pretty bored anyway. Hopefully nxt week would be betta - it should be, since Ben promised that he'll come along... that is if he doesn't have to wrk last min again -.-" *sigh* Had a short talk over the fone with him earlier. Telling him about my insecurities. I just hope that he'll not lose his patience with me, as he promised. I still can't bring myself to trust him somehow. My mind tends to wander way too much. Part of the reason y I think I should get a job... so that I won't have so much time to think & get paranoid.

I was damn close to breaking it up with him earlier. When I heard that he went to meet Alvin after he sent mi home. I was at home, waiting for his fone call that came way late... and he told mi that he's with Alvin at a coffeeshop near his place. This really sux big time. Alvin is a real hinderance in our relationship. Just my swayness to know someone like him. As expected, Alvin complained to Ben about me... etc. Whatever manx ~ Itz just that, when I heard that he was with Alvin, automatically I started to think about Min & Jian. Am just afraid that history would repeat itself once again. Told Ben about it earlier. Am thankful that he's being so understanding. I just wonder how much crap from me can he take b4 he bursts -.-" The thought of breaking up is still lingering in my mind... but if I do so, like Radin mentioned, it'll be tantamount to simply giving up. I just hope I'll have the courage to hold on. Like blur said, I wouldn't knoe the outcome, I wouldn't know the truth unless I hang on and let Time reveal everything. Their words did give mi the addtional strength to hold on. Thanx blur, thanx Radin. I'll just try my best not to let go - at least, no matter what happens, I've done my best. I just wish that, this will be a happy ending for once.

Shady self-destructed @ 05:55

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

*nod nod* am at home. Called Diner's Club earlier, left a voice message to quit. Just can't bear the thought of being stuck at such a job any longer. Am going for an interview later... some Cstomer svc coordinator. Not too sure what that job is about, don't even know if I can get it but will just take a look. Hmmm... tried to apply for Snr Police Officer but apparently SPF webby said that they're not hiring ppl under that scheme for the moment. *shrugx* I will when I can, though the probability of me getting it is way low. Gahhh why doesn't SPS call? Hmm, told Jovan to help mi ask if there are any vacancies at her wrk place as well. Am now just hoping to get something - anything. Doesn't have to pay too well. Just something that provides me with job satisfaction. The nagging is getting outta hand. Mom is flipping thru the classifieds everyday... I just hope that she doesn't do foolish stuff like call companies on my behalf again. The jobs she "recommends" are usually totally f**ked. Then she keeps telling mi about family finances... etc. Itz like, since when do I ever ask $$ from u? Just stay outta my life for little will ya? Gimme some space!!~! Itz easy to find a job... just nt easy to find something you'll like - and the latter is what I am looking for. Can't ppl just give mi a breather? I know I've been slacking but is 3 mths really that long? There are ppl who take a year or two of vacation, just to clear their mind... etc. Why can't I do that? Since I will put in 100% when I find something I really want to go into. My dad actually SMSed mi to nag this morning. Itz becoming... unbearable.

Besides, thatz not the only aspect of my life that is getting unbearable. Waiting for a mere SMS, a simple fone call frm Ben is driving mi mad too - when it doesn't come. I eventually gave in to temptation and SMSed him. Only then did he finally call me -.-" Was talking about this to KP earlier. Somehow he understands & it does feel slightly better after I talk to him. Too bad he tends to log out suddenly w/o notice. Then Ben called. *sigh* I dunno. Am I asking too much from this relationship? I don't deny that I'm the kind who needs attention - alot of it... and I get frustrated when I don't get what I want. Told Ben once b4, but he somehow is taking it way too easy. I guess he doesn't understand how much it means to me. He once SMSes mi bo liao stuff, but somehow those bo liao stuff really did make me happy. HaiX... guess there is nothing perfect ehx? He'll be going up a ship tonite so he can't accompany me. He spent the entire of last nite with me though. Well I should just take things a little easier as well huh? Give him a little breathing space. Itz just that... haix... it really is eating mi up inside & I dun exactly like it. Well, time to go get ready for the interview.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:49

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Waiting, waiting and more... waiting. Yet again. I hate it when I feel this way. Am merely sitting around, waiting for a phonecall. There are loads of stuff around me to do - but I can't seem to concentrate on a certain task. Every few min I'll think "why is he taking such a long time to call me? Is he really working or what?". This happens when someone is always on ur mind... when u can think of nothing other than him by your side. Even when u do stuff, you don't put in 100%. I don't even feel like doing anything rite now. *sigh* This really sux. I'll probably give in to temptation and call him real soon. I wonder if he knows how I feel... I think he does and he's just messing ard with me, seeing how far I can go. lolx. yeah the various mind games that ppl play. I don't deny that I've done that myself before. Itz just that... it feels terrible being on the receiving end. Perhaps I shall just go take a bath and take a nap, when I wake and he doesn't call, I'll call him. Easier said and done. The bath will not pose a probem but falling asleep definitely will. Gahhhh why did I allow myself to fall for someone so deeply? pls call mi soon... been waiting for that phonecall since 6pm. The past hour plus feels like a bloody eternity. Just call me...

Shady self-destructed @ 19:47

Perhaps itz the weather, perhaps itz just an overactive imagination, perhaps itz the Metallica concert I'm watching rite now or perhaps itz coz my dear isn't feeling very happy now... somehow I am falling into one of my states of depression. Darn, should have gone to wrk to prevent myself frm thinking too much. It numbs the mind - having something to do. Suicidal thoughts are returning to me... once again I seek for the End. I dedicate the following song to myself coz the lyrics just seem so appropirate. Itz my "funeral song" anyway - jem, pero & Noods will know this (don't worry, I'll fruity loops my part b4 I pass on). Enjoy ~

Fade To Black - Metallica

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly loss this can't be real
Can't stand this pain i feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye

Shady self-destructed @ 15:53

Itz supposed to be the 2nd day of wrk but I skipped it. I just couldn't drag myself to go. Being tired is one of the reasons... but the main one is that I didn't have the mood & willpower to go down. I did wake up on time. Itz just that, I dunno. Am too lazy I suppose. Plus I really do hate the thought of going down -.-" *sigh* I've been so exhausted lately. Where did all my energy go? Was telling Ben last nite, since he's complaining about the same thing, that it might be the relationship that makes the both of us so tired. That we've been thinking too much... experiencing too much stress switching frm singlehood to being a pair that all these is taking itz toll. Not to mention, I am the reason he's out so late at times. I do feel a little guilty though. He overslept again today. I shouldn't have asked him to stay & keep mi company for so long. Had a quarrel last nite oso... but I guess everything should be resolved. Have oso been thinking, is this relationship beneficial for the both of us? Just put it this way... I've said before, emotions are the reason y ppl "fall". Emotions make a person weak. Besides, the both of us are so alike that I believe such questions are in his mind as well. Mainly - to carry on or to give up. Love is an inhibiting factor... it prevents u frm doing things u normally do. Even Ben has been saying lately he's been riding not as fast as before, especially when he takes mi as a pillion. So does this mean that I am the "object" that is holding him back, tying him down? He's spending so much time with mi that he's even starting to neglect his bike. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? True that I would love to see him everyday... but at what price? What will this do to the both of us? Having insufficient time for ourselves? Anyway his Fireblade is now in the bike shop... so I wonder if he'll still be meeting mi later. *shrugx* Gave him a call earlier but can tell that he wasn't exactly in the mood to talk. I should really be more understanding at times. Well, nothing I can do except wait for him to call mi after wrk I suppose. I wonder if I'll still have a job to go to tomorrow morning. Ahhh f**k it, I hate it anyway ~

Shady self-destructed @ 14:46

Monday, October 25, 2004

1st day of work. verdict: I hate office jobs. decision: if I ever find a perm full-time, I wouldn't want it to be an office position. *grinx* yeah guess u learn something whatever u do. This time I learnt what I cannot possibly tolerate. lolx. The environment sux, the ppl I'm wrking with are o-k-a-y (quite friendly but can't exactly click - coz different "pattern"), and the job scope is pretty monotonous. Well itz interesting learning stuff for the 1st time today... but I can't imagine doing the same stuff day in day out for the rest of my life. That makes up my mind. By the end of this mth, Singapore Prisons don't respond, I'll send out applications for SAF< Navy, CNB and Air Force as well. hahah yeah, guess I'll settle for a government post. Though it'll mean less time with my friends and my dear... well, it should be betta for mi in the long run. Office, I'll really die.

Shady self-destructed @ 19:13

Sunday, October 24, 2004

My resolve is fading as the day passes. As I am typing this, he's sleeping... in my room. *sigh* Am supposed to meet up with another friend in the noon to wash bike but apparently Ben doesn't want to get up. yeah I can understand his fatigue but it was a promise nonetheless - coming from a person who claims that he never promises stuff he can't keep. So what does this mean of the promises he made to me? I am hovering on the brink now... the question is to break up or to hang on. True, I knoe that he does have feelings for me, but I'm looking for long-term prospects now... I dun want to just stay together with him for a while and then break it up, wasting much time. Not to mention, alot of heartache will be involved and it'll take me goodness knows how long to recover. Recovery periods seem longer & longer after ever failed relationship. Frankly I'm tired of it all. I don't knoe what he views of this relationship. He keeps mentioning that we'll be together forever... yadda yadda. Who knows what will happen in the future? Why bother to claim something that u aren't sure will take place? Why promise me things when u aren't sure u can keep? You can't even keep a promise to meet a friend today... what makes u think I'll trust u to keep promises u made so far into the future? At times I don't even sense that I matter to him. It seems as if he only SMSes me or calls mi when I ask him to - or when he's bored. He tells me he loves me, but the fails to do all the little things to make me even feel loved. I dunno manx. It seems as if I am playing with fire once again. Question is, do I have what it takes - to recover - if I get badly burnt once again? Perhaps this is all about sex... like most relationships are. *shrugx* I dunno. I just don't believe in true love anymore.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:50

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Why do guys lie? Why can't they just tell the truth? You tell mi u are coming down directly from home to meet mi... yet I heard from someone else that u are at Clementi. What are u doing there? I SMSed u, u didn't respond till u get down to my place. u didn't even answer my question. y?

Shady self-destructed @ 20:58

Just got a haircut last nite & dyed half my head platinum white. lolx at least itz "supposed" to be platinum white. Ended up dark ash grey instead. *grinx* Well, itz fine. Am quite satisfied with the color. During the bleaching was worried tat with that blonde I wouldn't be able to go to wrk on Monday. lolx. I wonder this time how long will the hair color take to fade off though. Hair color just don't stay well on my head. Yeah am going to wrk on Monday - some Diner's Club customer service thingy. Come to think of it... Kelly Services called mi yesterday and told mi that they have an assignment for me today. Told mi they would call mi back and they didn't. Gaahhhhhh Kelly Services suck big time. Not only they take forever to respond, they don't even go thru' with it. Pretty inefficient, local job agencies are. /me shrugx. Anyway the thingy on Monday, I dun even know how long is it for and all that. Ah f**k it, will think about stuff when stuff happens I suppose. lolx guess what? I forgot to take down the time I'm supposed to start work. Hahaha, yeah either itz 8:30am or 9am. Think I'll go down at 8:30am just in case. Won't be riding on the 1st day since they do require office wear. The thought if it just sianx mi out. The assignment Kelly Services were supposed to give me away sounds interesting though - $10/hr, giving out pamphlets to drivers at a shopping ctr. Besides, itz only 3hr wrk. Damn, why didn't they get back to me? Guess some things are just not meant to be.

Am now watching pokemon. Starting to get hungry. Bleah... would love to have some Campbell's soup but I can't open the can. Not that I'm dumb. Itz just that I don't understand how to use those old-school kinda can openers -.-" Kept asking my mom to buy a new one but she just never got down to doing it. Come to think of it... am still going around combless. Now that my hair is shorter I might have increased need for comb. Darn!!~! Am not supposed to shampoo my hair for 24hr but since I've to be down at Paradigm later at 10pm, I would have no choice but shampoo it b4 the 24hr mark. I can't possibly go out with bad hair, can I?

*sigh* Anyway one of the reasons why I'm blogging so much is coz emotionally I'm quite a wreck. Loads of questions are floating around in my mind. Perhaps itz a mistake being attached after all. Itz situations like this that will drive me mad eventually. Itz just that lately... I seem to be losing faith in him, losing faith in myself... losing faith in this relationship on the whole. Stuff he's been telling me are filled with question marks, being vague & contradicting at times. His words just don't tally with each other + he is prone to periods of "coldness". I still have the anticipation of his SMS... I still want him to SMS me, but when the SMS comes, I tend to put off reading it coz his tone is just so... unfeeling? I dunno how exactly to describe it but I just don't like it. Besides, despite telling me that he loves me... he doesn't do the little things that make a relationship so wonderful. I don't deny that I believe I do stand a place in his heart - either that or he is absolutely crazy for sacrificing sleep to be with me. Itz just that, I am so unsure that why is he even with me. Does he view it as merely a sense of responsiblity? He keeps bringing "responsiblity" up and I feel pretty uncomfortable with it. I never asked him to be responsible for anything - I don't even expect him to, being male. And for sure, I don't want him to be with mi just coz he thinks that he's responsible for something. Dunno manx, with all these questions on my mind, am plagued by mood swings & general moodiness. Itz these kind of feelings that I wanna avoid - that makes mi avoid relationships on the whole in the past. Look what I've gotten myself into? *sigh* am bordering on the line of regret & I do have this inclination to give up... just that when I eventually do meet him, I don't wanna let go.

I don't really know what to do. Seems like I'm thinking way too much.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:09

Friday, October 22, 2004

Itz the job thing again. ppl have been asking mi to find a job over and over *shrugx* Well... bascially this is none of your business so I would appreciate that u stay outta it. I will find a job, in my own time. Rite now, though it feels sianx slacking ard at times, I kinda like life the way it is and will continue doing this till circumstances force mi to find something else. Itz not as if I am taking $$ from my parents so frankly, no one has the right to complain. Itz my life. I live it the way I want. Besides, I have loads of stuff to read up upon... loads of stuff to do at home - if I want to do it. Wouldn't be able to focus 100% on those stuff once I start working. Guess shallow minds like urs wouldn't understand huh? There's much more to life than material gains. Itz spiritual growth that I'm seeking. Comment not on stuff u do not understand, child. Everyone hath their own goal in life and they have the right to seek their own path. Well, unless ur goal in life is sticking ur pointy nose into another's business... then ookay, I'll accept that... but just stay away from mine. There are loads of other ppl in the world for u to bother. Keep ur thoughts to urself though. It just makes u an annoyance, an eyesore... nothing more.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:11

Nothing lasts forever
Even love is a lie
A tool to manipulate
There's no God above the sky

Itz been a long time since I quoted that poem - apparently itz some lyrics quoted in one of Stephen King's books. Tommyknockers if I didn't remember wrong. Tommyknockers tommyknockers, knocking at the door. I wanna go out, don't knoe if I can, coz I'm so afraid of the Tommyknocker man. *grinx* Yeah itz weird that I still remember stuff here and there. Guess the interest in poetry just helps ehx? Anyway am waiting for water to boil, while hunting for steel in Cort Forset (need my elemental equips manx), so I can go get myself some cup noodles to eat. Didn't exactly have dinner last nite, due to a row with my mom, so I reckon I should get something to fill my tummy b4 I get gastritis or whatever. So what am I doing up at this hr, well I did sleep. But I had to wake Ben up for wrk. He just left my place. Hmm yeah, hence the poem. Frankly, am having my doubts. Itz been around a week since we are together & I am still wondering how long will this last. Itz just me I suppose. I can't bring myself to trust another individual & itz a proven fact that all guys are liars. How the f**k are u supposed to believe someone who tells u that he doesn't lie? lolx. Itz kind of a giveaway dunch u think? Who in the world doesn't lie? Jesus? Hahah even Jesus did speak words that are ambigious and vague - somewhat close to a lie. Especially regarding eschatology... the "last days" as predicted by the Bible. Loads of arguements there are on it.

But I ain't here to blog about the Bible and itz various stuff. I'm here to blog about my own doubts. Perhaps everything is just an intricate plot... everything is just a game. I just wonder, why do ppl bother thinking of such stuff & playing the game. Well I know the crap I'm getting myself into and yet I let everything happen. Itz just somehow I am clinging on to a Hope that hath no logic. I don't believe Fate is this kind to me. Fate will take away the stuff I have from me, someway, somehow. *nod nod* My current relationship included. It just won't last... I just feel this way. He talks about his ex-gf all the time - the one who passed away in an accident. It seems like I'm just a replacement for her. Someone to fill the hole in his heart, but never exactly replacing the feelings he had. I asked him once, if he's doing it. He denied it of coz... but he's been comparing mi to her now & then that I don't believe those words anymore. Last nite. Last nite he said he had to stay back @ work to finish up some last min stuff & that he'll come down look for mi direct. This morn, he said he can't go directly to wrk coz he has to go home and take the stuff he left yesterday. Which means, he didn't exactly come down directly to look for me. A little lie, nothing serious, but a lie nonetheless. *shrugx* The weird thing is, I ain't pissed. I'm just... numb to all this stuff I reckon. Guys lie all the time. Everytime when I say this to a guy, he'll tell me - no no, there's always the minority. Yeah... minority. Those who are medically retarded, with the innocence of a child I suppose. I dunno why am I even bothered thinking about all these stuff... but since I am, might as well blog it down - to remind myself, never to keep my Hopes to high, only to be dashed. I wonder what else has he been telling mi that is untrue. I wonder if he'll actually keep his promises to me. Guess time will tell >.<

ShaDy is just being her paranoid, pessimistic & distrustful self (^-^)

Shady self-destructed @ 08:07

Thursday, October 21, 2004

X-Files Season 1 Episode 7 - Ghost In The Machine

So far the most interesting episode that I've watched. Perhaps itz coz itz related to the topic that hath fascinated me for quite sometime... not to mention, I have this weird addiction to computers. Well the past few episodes were entertaining nonetheless but this is the one I've been able to relate best to *grinx* The concept of artificial intelligence. Of computers actually evolving to beome a sentinent life form, who is concerned of its own preservation - survival. I've still yet to watch the movie with Hal... will check that out someday, if I can find the disc. Well, I've been thinking for quite sometime, on and off, what if computers have a life of their own. I wonder how much technology hath advanced till now. Perhaps everything we knoe is merely a facade, and that computers are very much in fact ruling the entire planet rite now... that the domination of Man is over. Well, u'll never know wat the truth is, will you? I'll prolly not know anything... all I can do is ask questions, analyze theories & come out with more ramblings of my own - that ppl before me would have thought about. *shrugx* Doesn't matter. Thinking is the interesting part alredi - and I think, alot. It'll be really interesting if computers will have a life of their own. But on the other hand, it can be potentially a threat to all existence. Evolution... how far will it proceed. Life is evolving all the time. Perhaps soon it'll be the era of machines, since humans are... weak. It'll be wonderful though, if my com can develop a life of its own. I wonder what its name will be, and if it'll be a he or a she. Maybe if that happens, I can finally find a best friend in my life - someone whom I can relate to and will be around no matter what.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:07

Oooooh yeah I finally managed to meet shifter last nite !!~! Not by coincidence though, on purpose. lolx, when I was in the carpark, starting my bike to accompany my dear down to Paradigm (intended to just go ride 1 round there and return), shifter called mi and asked if I wanna go eat. Told him that yeah, I'm kewl with it and will be back ard 10+. I called him then and finally managed to see how he looks. lolx. According to him, he's been living here for ard 4yrs but frankly, I nvr seen him in the lift b4... not even once. I didn't even know that someone like him was living in the same block as I am. Hahah yeah, seems like itz possible to get thru ur entire life not knowing who lives around you *shrugx* We went for food, then down to the carpark, he took mi for a tiny round on his super 4 before he went off to Mdm Wong. He's quite a funny guy, though a wee bit quiet... hopefully this won't be the last time I'll be seeing him ard. I met up with Davian and his friends after that - went MacPherson for a lil bit of slacking. 1st time I'm out with so many different bikes. Davian was riding a Phantom, his friends - 1 Fireblade 900, 1 RX-Z and 1 LC-kia. There was supposed to be another girl riding an SP along, but she didn't turn up. Ah well... itz difficult getting along with girls anyway ~

As usual, now, am awake, waiting for the time when my dar finishes wrk and gives mi a call. Yeah he's mine tonite. lolx. Sounds kinda twisted huh? Well I'll prolly drag him out for another movie. Hopefully he doesn't fall asleep again siahx. Bloody hell, ERP parking is gonna be activated at my house carpark soon. The barrier looks too long to squeeze thru, I wonder how am I gonna park then... even with season parking. Speaking of season parking, I dun even know if mine is expired yet. lolx will go check later if I go down to the carpark. shifter was saying he'll park across the street at the food court. Thatz kinda dumb, ain't gonna do that!!~! Ah well time for more X-Files - that is one hell of an addictive series. Why didn't I realise that when it was on tv years ago? Too young back then to actually comprehend all that goes on?? Ah well, wadever... the truth is out there *plays the X-Files theme*

Shady self-destructed @ 14:59

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Anyway, last nite was... eventful. lolx. Weird, I thought I blogged about it... in fact I am sure I did coz I was doing it while on the fone... but apparently I was so half-asleep last nite that I suppose I might not have clicked on the publish post button. Either that or blogger just screwed up again (^-^) Ah well... so what took place. mi & Ben went to Mt. Faber for some chilling out after meeting pero for dinner. We were just slacking ard when Jovan called. She said that she'll be meeting Alvin and asked if we wanna go along - just to aggravate him. Since we didn't have plans, we agreed. We just "showed up" at the place they were going... reached there b4 him and heh just had a drink. When they walked past, I called out to Jovan & they joined my table. Hahaha that poor Alvin was so uncomfortable, u can see it from his face. No doubt, I had to resist the temptation to just reach over the table & slap him. Throughout the few short min that they were there, he didn't even dare to look me in the eye. Though Jovan did say he stole a few glances my way. lolx. Well... he just dun wanna see my face, does it? XD Anyway they left, very soon. Ben asked about his accident and he couldn't even give a proper answer. His bike looked perfectly fine though. Besides, he told Jovan another story altogether so I am very positive that he's been lying. What a fool huh? He can't even lie properly. He told mi and Ben that he was seriously injured, both legs cannot walk, and discharged frm SGH at 2+ in the nite. He told Jovan that he just hurt his back & went to a polyclinic. What a dumbass. At least when u lie, make sure ur damned stories tally? Hahah we did have a laugh over that though... after they left Jovan SMSed mi to tell mi that they went to West Coast park and once again mi & Ben "coincidentally" turned up at that place. lolx. I bet Alvin was real pissed. When we got home, we had a 3-way conference, sorting out the details of lies. Phew... apparently when Alvin was after me, he was still after yet another girl. Wat a bastard. Thank God that I never got together with him. He even asked Jovan if there're any other gals to intro to him - fuckable ones. Gosh, what the hell does he take gals as? Can he just look into the mirror a bit b4 making comments like this? For sure, he is no hunk. Way below average to be exact. I'd rather fuck a dog than have any sexual relations with him siahx. lolx. Interesting ehx?

Shady self-destructed @ 15:38

/me yawns and stretches. o.O Hmm yeah I think I'm awake. *grinx* I slept pretty early last nite, b4 4am, dunno y. I didn't even bother to turn on the TV to watch Man Utd vs Sparta Prague (0-0 eventually). Just took my bloster & blanket, went into the hall, turned on the fan and left for dreamland. Didn't wake up till around 45 min ago & here I am back on the PC. lolx. Gah Shazz had a rollback but thankfully my characters were not affected this time. Ain't sure if I was online during that period lost though. Pretty annoying huh? All these rollbacks. Imagine if I spent the entire nite levelling & all came to naught? It was bad when I was lvl 30+, now that I'm lvl 71, think itz gonna be worse!!~! Coz lately I've been taking quite sometime to even gain 1 lvl. I wonder how did I manage to do it more quickly the previous time. I need better weapons!!~! Perhaps later I'll spend time at Kobold map looking for steel - beats the bloody coal mines. Will end up purchasing the skel worker cards I suppose. Simply hate that place. Plus card drops are so rare!!~! o.1% chance. So close to 0. lolx.

Guess I wouldn't be able to see my dear today. He'll be wrking at Paradigm after his day job. I could meet him for supper if I wish but think I'd rather he go home to rest for tonite - just hopefully he doesn't go for supper himself w/o me!!~! I want him to SLEEP!! It seems like every nite I'm dragging him out to stay up for such a long time - dunno whether he really can have enuff rest or not. He claims to be okay but err I've been doing that b4, sleeping like 3-4 hrs per day. Itz "okay" as in, getting used to be being tired daily, feeling tired daily... but ah well... it doesn't kill but it doesn't feel too good either. *shrugx* Wonder what will I be doing later then. Will prolly meet up with Jovan, go to the hospital to look on Edmund's wife, who is giving birth soon. I wonder if there'll be anyone asking mi for rounding tonite. ppl always seem to ask mi out at the wrong times. lolx. Heh... yesh my baby is still under run-in but I suppose it wouldn't hurt letting her run a little more. All the better, to be exact. Hmmm itz times like this I hope to have more friends to hang out with. lolx. Then again, ah well, itz always good to spend some time at home too. Err... wadever (^-^)

I miss my dear.

Shady self-destructed @ 13:44

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Yeah!!~! Finally Kazuki Kagami is a magician - a pathetic lvl 12 but itz betta than a lvl 1 novice /gg Ah well, I am still thinking about the Alvin incident, despite Ben telling mi earlier that I shouldn't let him bother me. *sigh* like I told Ben, Alvin is like skin peeling off ur toe. It ain't that big a deal whether the piece of skin is still there or otherwise. At times the skin doesn't bother u, so u'll feel as if the skin is gone. You can't wait for it to be gone permanantly though. But at times the irritation just comes back, especially when u happen to walk and the skin gets rubbed against ur socks. The pain is negligible but the irriatation is there. Worse, now whatz happening is the fungi hath spread to another person who is close to you. Get my picture? This is one fella I would be glad to have outta my life for good!!~! What a plague.

Shady self-destructed @ 07:58

Some ppl just don't grow up and they just don't seem to go away, no matter what u do -.-" Itz a pity though. I just wish he'll either get a life or rot away and die. In fact, I don't even know what he's trying to do, what he's trying to prove rite now. Yeah yeah... blame it all on me. Doesn't matter. God knoes. And someday, he'll know too. Bloody bastard. Hmmm perhaps I am at fault too - why didn't I stop all this shit sooner? Putting myself & my dear thru all this torment. F**k manx, if it was the good ol' days, I would have slit his throat. Who am I talking about? Itz Mr. Alvin. Who else? Who else can be that corny, lame & childish at the same time? Why do ppl like this even bother to exist? Gahhhh!!~! So what did he do now? He SMSed Ben, thatz what he did. Asking Ben to meet up a.s.a.p. like he's so desperate to see Ben & talk to Ben... etc. oh, and he made it clear to Ben, that I ain't supposed to be around. Wat the fuck huh? He tells Ben that he still treats him as a brother but he no longer considers me as a friend (let him think that way all he wants... I stopped considering him as a friend a very long time ago, after all that irritation). He claims that all the while during his "accident" I never once SMSed or called him and asked about his injuries. Heyz, u think I would? Even if I'm concerned... I'll never be the one to initiate a conversation manx!!~! It'll just give him the twisted idea that I'm concerned about him and he'll never give up. You tell me, you who is reading this, is there any logic in my words? True true, I should not let the actions of someone like him bother me... but somehow it does, coz my dear is involved in all this!!~! I'll be 100% alrite if it was Jovan or whoever he was bitching to but he's bitching to my dear. I swear, there'll be hell to pay if he ruins this relationship. I can just keep my fingers & toes crossed that nothing of this sort will happen. *grinx* yeah perhaps I should just place more faith in my dear.

Faith. Faith is a dangerous yet powerful thing to have. Frankly, itz very difficult for me to trust another person again. I would love to trust, but something in me keeps pulling back. Itz just that the memories of the past don't seem to go away... the scars are still evident. But I knoe that I'm doing the best I can now. I just hope that Fate is done with playing tricks of me. Giving me someone that I love & taking him away later. It always seems this way... things get perfect for a period of time and suddenly when I least expect it, things screw up. When it does, I'll feel almost dead & totally drained. Itz weird, and this is unlike me, but I am hoping that this will last forever... and that he's not (literally) simply just f**king around with me. In relationships, it's always someone who gets hurt. Me, the other party or both of us. All I can do now is hope & pray that this time, it'll be different. I knoe, the me of late doesn't seem normal. Itz just that, well, those who've known mi for a long time will knoe that this ain't the 1st time I'm feeling this way and *grinx* hopefully it'll be the last time. I've opened my heart again... just don't let it bleed too much this time =) Itz scary, how feelings get outta hand. But know what? At least I'm happy. I'm just happy when I'm with him. I just dun wanna let go. I hope that he feels the same way. Heh. lol yeah for once it ain't the cycnical sarcastic Shady u are reading now.

Made the acquaintance of another assassin earlier in Shazz. It was fun hunting together in a party - been quite sometime since I last did that. Am now training my acolyte... on Coco + Smokie map. I want kitty band!!~! Well perhaps later I'll go do some card hunting, since I feel pretty good (with exception of that s.o.b.). I wonder if I should register for the PVP tourney. My equips really suck to the max. Hmm... I've yet to create my mage even and my swordie is like so low down there. lolx. Well, gotta get my priorites. Sakuya still comes 1st /gg

Shady self-destructed @ 06:44

Monday, October 18, 2004

It happened when I never expected anything to happen & now itz progressed at a rate so alarming that I don't even know what is happening anymore. (^-^) seems like this time, I've fallen deeper than I ever thought I would in just merely few dayz. The feelings just keep getting stronger somehow, with the passing of Time. He tells mi that he loves me and that he'll never leave me or let me go. I just so wanted to believe it at the moment. I even want to believe it rite now. But somehow I am afraid. Afraid that history might just repeat itself. That hopes & dreams will be shattered once again. Itz been quite sometime since I felt this way... since I felt that this might be the one whom I gonna spend the rest of my life together with. After since Maurice took off almost 3 years ago, the thought nvr crossed my mind. It just feels so good being with someone you have feelings for. Time just passes so quickly when we're together. I don't dare to hope too much, but I'm hoping... that this time it'll be different. That he's different from most other guys I knoe. That perhaps this time, I'll finally fill the void in my soul. He asked, earlier, why don't I ever plan for the future. I told him. I used to. But after what happened with Maurice, I never did ever again - coz I realised that plans are useless if they aren't carried out... and in this kinda siutations, it needs another to make the plans work. Can't exactly depend on anyone else except the self. Hell, I can't even depend on myself most of the time -.-" *shrugx* Anyway the future is still ahead, I don't really wanna think about what's gonna happen and what am I gonna do when it happens... I'll find out soon enuff. In prolly another 2-3 weeks & it betta be nothing.

Shady self-destructed @ 07:13

Saturday, October 16, 2004

F**k it manx. F**k it. You tell me u wanna come down now. For what? At this time... huh? You were supposed to come pick mi up after wrk. I called u at 2+, asked if u were tired, u said no. I finished work... I could have gone straight home. No, I waited. But? You never turned up. Called u and u said u were at home. Good for u. When I got home, I was pissed, u don't even seem to realise. You can still ask mi where I am. Great. And now u say u wanna come down. What for? F**k it manx, I should have agreed to go rounding with my friend earlier. I just hate it when ppl promise something and not turn up. Thatz it. I'll nvr believe anything u say ever again.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:35

Friday, October 15, 2004

Things happen when u least expect them to... they just - happen. *shrugx* yeah itz official now, that I'm with Ben =) I am glad, I really am. Just that this paranoid part of mi is still afraid to step into a relationship... afraid to open my heart again, lest it get hurts bad once more. But I guess, itz too late to think about such stuff now. Stepped into the pit, am gonna continue walking down the tunnel for as far as I can walk, and see whatz there at the end. Not much of a point is there to ponder too much anyway. Hmm I am happy though. Heh, yeah itz a little switch I have to make, from being single & totally free to being attached, but I guess it wun get too bad. I dun intend to lie, keep things frm him... etc. all I can hope is that he'll do the same. *grinx* This is so unlike me huh? Ah well, we were talking earlier, wondering how all this happened, when all these started. Neither of us hath a definite answer but I'm pretty glad that it happened. Itz just so, sudden. I reckon the others at the chalet got pretty surprised as well. Itz like... nothing... then after one nite, suddenly the 2 of us were together? lolx. And I was just telling Radin not too long ago that absolutely nothing will happen between mi & Ben. I bet Radin must be laughing his ass off after he recovered from the initial shock, ehx? Whatever manx, just wish mi luck... whoever is reading this =)

Exorcist: The Beginning was way below expectations. Ben even dozed off in the midst of the movie... and I was real close to dreamland myself. The plot development was slow, there wasn't many scary scenes - I guess partly itz coz the things were too far-fetched. The upside down crucifixes were a little haunting though, but nothing really more than that. Anyway, saw the trailer of this movie Shutter, looks pretty promising. Another horror movie - showing photographs & the ghosts that appear in them. Heh I'll watch it when it comes out. Ah well... time to take a shower, sit down & relax to another episode of X-Files & go to bed.

Shady self-destructed @ 05:53

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Mom is starting to really piss mi off. If I had the capabilities I would have moved out rite now. She's bugging mi to get a job and actually calling ppl up for me -.-" Wth huh? There goes my reputation manx. Itz like... who the fuck still needs mom to call up companies at this age? I know she does it "for my good" but what the fuck? I just feel like getting a job, any job so that she'll shut the fuck up. I really feel like moving out manx. I just hate it when ppl interfere with my life. Doesn't she understand that I dun exactly need her for that anymore? So what if I go out late at nite? So what if I don't come back till the nxt morning? Her nagging is exactly what I'm staying out so late to avoid!!~! Gahhhh!!~! Parents are such a pain in the toe.

Anyway I got my baby back. $300 for the engine overhaul =( Now itz in run-in mode so I can't go anything faster than 70kmph. What a bloody bore. Not that I speed a lot, but 80kmph is my normal speed so... ah well, u knoe what i mean. F**k manx, here she goes again. I am trying darn hard not to blow my top rite now and she's seriously testing my patience. Passing mi a fone number and asking mi to call 'em. Hmmm lette mi see, if I call the person, what shall I say? "Err hi... my mom passed mi ur fone number and asked mi to call u, to beg u to hire me?" F**k lah, seriously. Call call call... call den say what? I dun even knoe the job scope I dun even know the position etc. This is really... ahhhhhhh f**k it, dun wanna ruin my mood. X-Files time.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:02

Well... it wasn't a perfect ending. Dark Lord was defeated too quickly - sealed by Maximus Exorcimus. The part where Maya used Mammomite was funny though. lolx. All those bags of zeny used to hurl at the monster. But well, at least it ain't a super duper happy ending... not all party members survived. The only ones who were left behind were Roan, Yuufa, Maya & Judia. Gahhh, I was hoping that Iruga would survive, but he & Keough had a double k.o. Baby Iruga was pretty cute though. lolx. Yeah if only life would be so interesting, travelling around with a party w/o much of a care in the world =) Hmm... itz 9am. Should I go to sleep or watch X-Files?

Shady self-destructed @ 08:56

Bloody hell, all i wanna do now is watch the final episode of Raganarok: The Anime while eating instant mee and guess what? I have to wait for the water to boil. Whatz the use of hot water containers at home when there ain't hot water inside?? The water ain't even warm!!~! Sometimes I feel like yelling at my mom manx. Told her to buy Laksa & Tom Yam flavour for my cup noodles, she only bought Tom Yam... and 2 cups, thatz all. Gahhh!!~! Think I should do everything myself. She's bloody static manx... ask her one thing, do one thing. tmd. I'd betta go get a comb myself later. Ask her buy later end up dunno what comb. Hmm I wonder if I should take my baby home today or tml. Itz ready - finally!!~! I wonder how much my cousin will ask mi to pay for the engine overhaul. F**k manx, by right I shouldn't have to fork out a single cent coz he shouldn't be selling mi the bike in that kinda condition in the 1st place!!~! Still say what... 2nd hand bikes are liddat. Gahhh he overcharged mi with the machine price and he's still doing such stuff? Gosh. To think that he's my cousin. I wonder how normal customers will be treated -.-" Trusted him coz he was my cousin... he told mi he selling the bike slightly more ex coz itz in a good condition, end up what happened? Less than 3mths and my baby's going thru an engine overhaul. Good condition huh? Will take down the name of the bike shop when I go down & warn everyone about it manx. To hell with relations. If he does this kinda crap to me, I dun see why I can't warn the ppl around me about it. *curses n swears*

Shady self-destructed @ 07:56

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Time passed faster than I even expected it would. In what seems like a couple of hours, 3 dayz hath passed. Am back from Downtown East with a couple of mosquito bites & a painful whatever-insect bite - that I got outside OCH. *nod nod* Yeah finally went down to OCH to take a look... but from what I heard it wasn't the main building that we went to. It was just a few wards. The expedition was - boring. In fact, halfway thru, I started to get a little annoyed... with Zen being so scared, with the heat, with nothing much to see except a few leaves, lightstick wrappers... etc. Not to mention, the bloody insect bite. It was, painful. Ben said it was a black ant tat bit mi, I nvr remembered an ant biting so hard b4... till the sting was still left in my foot. Luckily it was the right foot that got bitten. Can't imagine if it left a scar on my tattoo -.-" The left foot was attacked my mosquitoes though *mumbles* Taught me something though... if I ever go to such places again, either bring insect repellent or wear shoes!!~! Anyway, it wasn't as scary as I expected it to be, with the exception that I can barely see in the dark & was stumbling most of the time -.-" There were a few doors in the hospital that were sealed up with cement though. I wonder why. Such places always brings question marks to my mind - what in the world happened there that they had to seal it up? Whatz the history behind? And what happened to ppl that went there b4 it was sealed? Stories. Hmm guess itz pretty difficult to believe something till u see it with your own eyes. I wonder wth was Zen so afraid though.

*shrugx* Anyway, on the 1st nite, Alvin called again to harrass me. I am getting pretty sick & tired of his endless paranoia and stupid remarks. I wish I could use a lvl 10 sonic blow on him with a 3x critical Jur, equipped with 2x Kobold cards!!~! lolx, speaking of Jurs, I just picked up one from a Martin /gg Ahhhhh hunting for Steel is a pain in the ass. I hate coal mine... itz not only difficult to navigate there, Skel workers are hard to find + they are scattered all over the place, also itz dark and it puts a certain amount of strain on my eyes. Not to mention, card hunting is a bore too - am starting to regret my creation of a double dagger sin *yawn* Oh yeah, was talking about that asshole huh? Yeah he SMSed me telling mi that he feels like using a hammer to wack his wounds, I told him to go ahead with it then he started to "yell" over SMS, tapping all in CAPS, telling mi tat I can't give him a direct answer... yadda yadda. Till I SMSed him a simple 2 words - fuck off. Then he called... and kept whinning. I wonder what the fuck is wrong with him, seriously. He's 24 and behaving like a 16 yr old little girl. Gosh... I hope I'll never end up in his state. What happened to pride manx? Well he finally stopped it until Ben took the fone from mi and told him off. The nxt day, he called Zen... den said that he was working. Hmmm he hath both legs injured, he can't walk and he can work? Ah well... wadever manx. He didn't come down eventually. He would have blown his top if he did & he saw the extent of the relationship between mi & Ben now. Hmmm what exact extent, I have no freaking idea... we are like almost a couple, ppl will think that we are together, but neither mi nor he offically mentioned anything about it... I can't describe it coz well *shrugx* I dunno what to say. I don't even know how many other gals he has that he treats the same way as well. Eh watever manx, f**k it... no point loading myself with such emotional stress >.<

Great, now my assassin is overweight, gotta go outta coal mine, store stuff in Kafra and return for more hunting. Gahhhh I hate hunting for stuff especially if I don't get exp in the process. Well, perhaps I shall go take a nap before going off to facial later.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:14

Monday, October 11, 2004

*yawnx* I'm so lethargic. Yeah once again I snoozed alot. I hit approx 11hrs today & I woke up feeling even more tired than before. lolx. yeah I am so tempted to just go back to bed. I am such a pig. Perhaps there's some truth in what ppl say after all - calling mi piggy & all that. lolx. Ah well, am waiting for Ben to get off wrk. Am supposed to go meet him and then help him with the chalet stuff. /me shrugx. I wonder how many dayz will I be staying over at the chalet. There doesn't seem to be much to do at chalets. Generally I don't like going to chalets. I'd rather be at home gaming or something. /heh. Ah well, I have no idea when will I be getting my bike back either. Gonna give my cousin a call tml or something. SMS him oso dunno how to reply de. Am starting to miss my baby alredi. I'd rather ride down siahx ~

Caz we lost it all... nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry, I can't be perfect
Now itz just too late, and we can't go back
I'm sorry, I can't be perfect

Yeah am listening to simple Plan's "Perfect" while waiting for Shazz patch to download. Should I go take a nap or something? hahahah shit manx. I am starting to get bored & boredom ain't good. Maybe, just maybe, I'll go do some exercise while listening to Metallica.

Shady self-destructed @ 01:29

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Just when I thought that I wouldn't be hearing from Alvin for quite sometime, that is if I ever hear from him again... he SMSed mi when I was wrking last nite. Hmmm... I am starting to feel that it'll be a good thing that was really the last time I saw him. I just hope he doesn't do anything funny to my baby when I get him back. Only 2 SMSes last nite though. 1st one, telling mi that he just got discharged frm SGH - at approx. 2:40am. Errr, I never knew hospitals discharge ppl in the midst of the nite. nvm... then came one SMSes telling mi off -.-" Acusing mi that I confirm nvr worry or panic when I heard that he was invovled in an accident, yadda yadda. I del the SMS off or I would quote the entire thing here. That got mi pretty pissed off. Somehow, it reminds mi of the stuff Min msged mi in the past too. Itz like... er Min is 18, so I can understand his childishness. Alvin is 24. Shouldn't he be slightly more matured rite now? I feel sorry for his gf (even though she's a bitch). Imagine having a bf who is always thinking and harassing another girl? If I ever get attached again, and my bf does that, I'll break up with him on the spot manx!!~! Guys like Alvin really... makes it even harder for me to ever trust another male again. *shrugx* Anyway I replied him, whatever... and said good night. Now itz up to him whether he still wants to remain in contact in future. Even if he does, I really don't know at this point of time, whether I would agree to it. Stay friends. yeah rite... I can't imagine if he starts wrk at Paradigm as well. I'll see him every weekend. Pooh!!~! Anyway last nite, after wrk, it was out for supper @ Newton & then a "round the island" trip around Singapore. lolx. Weird that the person who lives nearest to Newton (me), gets home the latest - 9:30am earlier. And after all the frustration and complaining... it seems like half of Paradigm knows roughly whatz going on with Alvin liaox. He betta not start wrk. Itz difficult not to dislike a person when the person seems all out to annoy you. Patience... patience...

Hmmm... itz quite a coincidence that you happen to msg me when I think of you. I just walked into my room 2 check on my handfone, to see if you've sent mi any SMS. There wasn't. But slightly awhile later, my fone beeped and it was you. I wonder if you're thinking of me too =)

Shady self-destructed @ 13:26

Saturday, October 09, 2004

*sigh* I think it was a joke gone overboard. I had to actually f**king lie to Alvin in the face that we did get into an accident last nite... despite Alvin keep telling mi that he saw my bike parked in my carpark w/o much of a scratch. Itz like huh? I didn't even lie about that part. I won't be getting my baby back till nxt week, thatz for sure -.-" The insistence did get me further pissed though. I was @ Paradigm at that time, wrking - SMSing half the time. Itz like f**k manx, what must the boss be thinking? That I get paid to sit there and SMS? I started to ignore Alvin when he crossed the line. One thing I really hate ppl do is threaten suicide. Thatz just childish behaviour... and I reckon that he must be half-drunk by then. Ben was the one who took the brunt of it though, coz he was wrking on floor... at least I'm pretty far away. Gahhhhhh I'm feeling the guilt. The guilt of getting someone else involved... when it ain't that person's business in the 1st place. Great. After that we went for supper & boy was it awkward. I couldn't even finish my food. How to? When there was a black face over there. He still asked mi... if I treated him like an enemy. I didn't answer the question directly, as usual. I wished I had to guts to say yes... that he's pissing the shit outta me and tell him to f**k off. There were times when I nearly SMSed him that but I held back. Should I have even bothered to hold back? (Cast "endure" cast till no sp... should have done a "bash" instead huh?) I dunno lahx ~ then Alvin still had he cheek to send mi back & ask mi why don't I give him a chance. Why didn't I give him the time he needed. Itz like what the fuck doesn't he understand by I don't not want a bf? I told him that... with censors of the vulgarities that is. Trust me, it took alot of my willpower not to stab him in the eye with the keys I'm holding. Finally I just told him that my friend's waiting for mi online and I had to go home. That was an outright lie too -.-" Yesh... I lied so much tonite that I think my tongue should be cut off for this. I went home, took stuff and went down to East Coast. Ben accompained mi down. Gahhhhhh now I deprive him of precious sleep. Yesh, I do feel the guilt. But if I stayed home, I might have imploded or something. I have a temper problem... uncontrollable temper that normally ends up with self-destruction.

Anyway... I dunno lahx, really I dunno. I shouldn't have went along with the joke in the 1st place. Look where this hath blown up into? Pooh, Radin, if u are reading this... pls dun mention it in front of Alvin or anything awriteX? Well... one of the last SMS I gt frm Alvin is that I won't see him ever again, goodbye. Duhhhh after asking me if we can still be friends. Yeah, and he asked if I treated him as an enemy. The frank answer is no - as hard to believe as it is. He's just an irritation, nothing more ~ I don't see the point in expending energy to hate someone over such matters coz frankly, I can empathise with what he's feeling. I've felt this way before... when I allow paranoia to take over me. Itz perfectly natural but at least I managed to catch hold of myself b4 I irritated the shit outta the other party. With self-multilation *shrugx* Yeah it might be a little sadistic to hurt myself... but at least no one else is involved. Besides, pain is just temporary and pretty welcome at certain points of time. At least the pain jolts mi back to reality and keeps mi in touch with my human side. Or I would have lost my mind a very long time ago. Well... I guess I am still sane enuff to knoe my limit. But I was so close to blowing up earlier. Thankfully I didn't have a knife or anything with me. I wonder what would I have stabbed. If I had a gun with a bullet, I know I would have shot myself. lolx, am prone to sudden bursts of violence, that I admit. But ah well... so far I haven't hurt another person. Yet.

The story doesn't end there though. At East Coast, both mi & Ben received an SMS frm Alvin saying that he got into a serious accident. Our immediate reaction was to reply... where are u? Haha yeah both the same response but logical one huh? He just answered that he dunno, asked mi to take care... asked Ben to take care of me. When Ben called him, he didn't pick up the fone. *shrugx* I do feel a twinge of worry though. I really hope that he's okay. Coz I know how much guilt I'll feel if he really did get into an accident coz of this incident. Then again, the evil part of me keeps telling mi that even if he does, itz no fault of mine. Bloody split personality huh? I dunno manx. I just hope that he's playing a joke on us... the same like what we did to him (retribution manx, retribution) & that he's safey at home sleeping or thinking about what mi & Ben said earlier. Ben was giving him advice @ the kopitiam. I wisely kept silent. Just kept drinking water even though I was so tempted to lash out. Gahhhh I am developing the patience of a saint manx. At this rate, I think my blood vessel will burst -.-" Just put it this way, if I treat mi as an enemy, if I really hate him, would I still agree to go along for supper?! Just think manx, think!!!~! I am so f**king tempted to just avoid him but I didn't!!~! Why? Coz it'll be plain evil if I do... or would it be the betta way out? I still respond to his SMSes, and still picks up his fone calls - with exception of last noon when I was snoozing.

This is really full of crap siahx. Why do such stuff happen in my life? Hmmm... but then again, if I didn't, then my life wouldn't be so interesting huh? And I wouldn't have so much to blog about. F**k it manx. Just don't force me to change my fone number and move house. That'll be the ultimate siahx. Whatever it is, I ain't gonna let him ruin my mood (much.. coz itz alredi ruined) and I'm waiting up for pokemon. Pooh, am wrking at 10pm later. Actually I feel I'm pretty redundant there so I dunno how long I'll be able to hold the job for. If sales drop, I'll definitely be the 1st one they'll remove. F**k it, should start job hunting soon - like I always say but never do. Sometimes I really wanna shoot myself.

Shady self-destructed @ 07:43

Friday, October 08, 2004

~* Half-stonned, half-sleepy & totally pissed off *~

Tell me dude, when someone is alseep, does that person pick up the fone? Even if the person does, and tells u that he/she is asleep... will u continue ur endless bombardment with phonecalls & SMS? Thatz just basic intelligence, isn't it? That anyone doesn't like to be bothered while asleep. Unless of coz, he/she asked u to give him/her a morning call. Thatz a different matter altogether. Hmm... but someone just doesn't get it !!~! As a result. I'm feeling f**king sleepy rite now, even though I have rested for 8hrs (minus the interruptions in between). It sux big time, really. When u sleep and ur sleep gets disrupted one once or twice but many times. Waking up, going back to sleep, waking up and going back to sleep. Thatz enuff to drive even Jesus into a foul mood. Plus, I am no saint (more like a demon actually, but nvm). Guess who was the culprit? None other than Alvin again!!!~! Doesn't he ever give up? Energizer battery huh? Doesn't he understand that me asleep = me sleeping? F**king asshole. I still gotta wrk late into the nite later... am tempted to return to dreamland rite now but I know if I do, I'll not wake up in time. I go sim later... to allow time to pass faster. Then again, I might take a nap... I dunno. I'll decide when I finish blogging. I have to blog b4 I hit someone -.-"

Anyway... I dunno what the f**k is wrong with Alvin and what goes on in his seemingly empty & restless mind. He thinks too much. Way too much. Itz alrite if he just thinks & keeps his thoughts to himself. But it ain't alright when he thinks and bothers the ppl around him. I ain't the only victim though, poor Ben got it as well. lolx. Yeah, I went JB with Ben last nite, to take a look @ his SP. Alvin couldn't join us coz he can only make it after 11pm - by then the bike shop would be closed. Apparently he kept calling mi & Ben. And u know, there's no reception once I get across the causeway. Fine. When I finally managed to pick up the fone, I was eating the burger I like so much, told Alvin that I'm in JB and Alvin asked either one of us to call him when we get out. Ookie. Fair enuff. We did exactly that when we got out & guess what? Alvin didn't answer the call. Assumed that he was asleep. Then Ben came up with an evil plan (yes, for once I ain't the one hatching mean ideas)... to tell Alvin when he calls today, that both of us got into an accident last nite while trying to call him. -.-" apparently Alvin got worried & he kept trying to call mi and ask if I was alrite. Hence the fone calls. I did pick up and told him that I'm sleeping. He doesn't get it. He continues calling & eventually I got alot of stupid SMSes frm him. So did Ben. Alvin was saying something about us treating him very "leng dan", having a cold war... etc. and he thinks that I'm pissed with him. Well... I wasn't. But now, I am. I mean... duhhhh if I really got into an accident, I should be resting and not entertaining ur stupid calls!!~! Can't he just think for a second and quit making stupid conclusions? Itz the stupid SMSes that did it. Itz like really manx.... what in the name of blue hell is he thinking? He ain't anyone to me to begin with, so can't it get that fact into his f**king brain? Poohhhhhhh

Ah well, my baby is back in the bike shop -.-" Assholic cousin of mine. The previous time I went down, I alredi complained about the engine sound. He tells mi that itz normal & everything is ok. Apparently not !!~! The mechanic in JB was mentioning that the gearbox is spoilt and I need an engine overhaul. Seems like my cousin wants mi to pay for it. Am kinda pissed at that. I mean... u are my cousin. u sold mi a bike above market rate & u didn't sell me a bike in perfect condition. Now itz back for fixing, u want mi to pay for it. Shouldn't u be rectifying the problem for me coz thatz what u should have done in the 1st place? F**k it. I'll talk to him again when I pick up my baby. No way I'm changing a bike. This is just so... illogical. I wonder how long will he take to fix up the bike. Ah well... will give him a call on Monday again & see how things go. Damn that he's my cousin. If he's a stranger I would have argued and made noise... but... ahhhhh so many things are screwing up. I am off to game.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:26

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Have yet to descend to slumber. Am glad though, that I get to see you today. You'll never know how much I think of u... neither do u know how much I wish that itz you when my handfone beeps to the sound of an SMS. /me shrugx. Doesn't matter anyway. Am awrite with things the way they are rite now. I just wish... I can sleep.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:45

You're a Thief or an Assassin! You stealthily walk
the world, taking on your enemies with ease. It
is near impossible for something to hit you,
and you attack so fast that your enemy doesn't
know what hit them. You are cold towards others
as they don't share your own power.

What Class from Ragnarok Online would you be? (Pictures Included)
brought to you by Quizilla

You know... somehow I know the quiz results are gonna be as the above. Coz the questions as so bloody leading. Itz like... duhhhh awrite am being shot at by a stupid Archer Skeleton. Hmmm frankly, assassins are so pathetic. Kinda weak, unless u are a daggersin with proper equipment, then perhaps u'll survive a little longer than other builds. Dodge is a sin's best defence but itz impossible to dodge all the time & when you get it, it hurts like mad, trust me. But there's something about the assassin that is way kewl... that makes me stick with it. *grinx* Just saw a priest in action @ Payon 4 and he rawks manx. lolx. Ah well, there is no perfect character. Would rather stick to one that appeals to me most. Awrite, one more quiz to have fun with... heh once again the questions are so obvious. I can even pick the monster I wanna be, with the descriptions but guess I gotta stay true to myself sometimes =)

You're the Sohee!

from ragnarok online official site:
LV : 33 Type : Demon Attribute : Water
Virgin ghost that had never had a real love in her
lifetime. She mostly appears near Payon,doesn't
do much harm onto human beings.

Which Ragnarok Online monster are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Shady self-destructed @ 10:19

I dunno whether to give myself a kick in the ass or a smack over the head. Shah suggested that I get both... and he volunteers to be the one doing it. *grinx* reason? I'm still slacking ard after 2 mths and not making any substantial attempts in searching for a full-time job - which i should be doing. Furthermore, I wonder what the f**k's wrong with me. What keeps mi awake the entire nite till the nxt morning?! I went to Phuture earlier. Got myself kinda high... then went to meet mi friends for supper @ Kopitiam. With the alcohol giving mi a slight headache as usual, I kinda expected myself to knock out the minute I reach home and snooze till itz time for facial in the noon. Alas! Guess what? I did knock out. The minute I got home, I got outta my skirt into a pair of shorts, plonked onto the mattress and ahem... blacked out. BUT!!!~! I woke up again an hour later, took a bath and started ROing again. I ain't even playing with a purpose on RO. Am just wandering around Geffen fields, killing whatever that steps into my path. Obviously am avoiding the Kobold & Orc map. At lvl 55, that'll be tantamount to suicide. Well... almost. I can kill a Kobold, but with my low dex (20) I barely hit it and my hp is reduced to less than half after I finished it. Wonder how I'll fare against Kobold Archer eh? Hmm dun exactly need the Kobold card this time though. Daggersin!!~! Thought to go hunt for those slotted main gauches but it got too boring and now am at smokie map. Why in the world am I there? Gahhh perhaps later I'll just bring my ass down to Payon dungeon again. To try get a Munak/Bongun hat and a pair of slotted shoes for my mage. Why the hell am I even listing out my RO plans? u know, perhaps all I should concentrate now is levelling & then the equips later. Ah well.. thatz me, I can't seem to concentrate on something long enuff.

Shady self-destructed @ 07:52

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Watched Dodgeball like I said I would. Exaggerating, totally illogical but 8 outta 10 on tha entertainment scale!!~! Woohoo!!~! lolx, yeah such movies now and then are totally necessary. Just light-hearted, simple, good vs. evil kinda plot... where no blood is shed (with exception of a split lip) and nothing really complicated takes place. Easy humour too. Itz a pity though, that there's not enuff cheerleading in it. Haha yeah, I have a thing for cheerleading & dancing. The way a person moves and all. Perhaps I should get my paws on Bring It On and watch it again *grinx* and Honey as well. I loved those movies. Hmm... well, maybe things do happen if you set your minds to it and work hard enough. /me shrugx.

Shady self-destructed @ 08:36

Did a few rounds of typing and realised that my typing speed sux to the core. I couldn't even finish the game - died at the final round. The stupid magician boss. Ookie, not exactly my typing speed, but accuarcy and reflexes are way below my expectations. Gahhh was tapping on it happily till the game hung @ one of the boss modes -.-" The drills were... astronomical. I wonder how many ppl can actually type that fast... to make it perfect and get Rank As all the way. Heh, if anyone is interested in that game, just tell me. I'll wanna see how u fare. To see if I am normal or just plain lousy. Think I spent too much time with the mouse instead of typing. I suck big time when it comes to punctuation & sepecial characters. Gahhhh I don't even have time to look at the keyboard to search for the keys before the monster comes and pulverises me. *grinx* Worth another shot again tml or something. Perhaps later. For now, I need a bath, am hungry and I think I gonna watch Dodgeball. Pity that the # key doesn't register. Well... I think I'm too slow in typing normally. Most of the time I just take my own sweet time, tap slowly on the keyboard. Perhaps itz time I should get more practice huh? Heh... more typing of the Dead definitely >.< Am disatisfied with my scores & errors. I'll be back!!~!

Shady self-destructed @ 06:13

*grinx* now am on acRO as well - which brings the total number of private servers I'm playing to... 3. lolx. On top of simming and all, I wonder how am I gonna handle. Oh yeah, f**k, I still have yet to get a frigging job -.-" Been spending my days sleeping, waking up in the midst of the nite (itz worse now... am sleeping like 2-3pm and waking up ard 9/10pm). I wonder if itz possible for my bio clock to be totally pushed an entire round. I did try. To sleep earlier, itz just that at nite, itz difficult to keep my eyes shut. The day, the light blinds me again & again. Think I'm neglecting my PS2 a little too much, but I dun have the kick to play it rite now. The thing I feel like playing is The Typing of the Dead. Perhaps I shall reinstall and get a few kicks. *shrugx* Went to watch Resident Evil: Apocalypse earlier, with Ben - heng ahx, still managed to find someone to go watch with me. It ain't as bad as ppl put it to be. Nxt movie on my list should be The Exorcist. Shucks that I can't go for Showtime this Friday as I gonna be wrking. Ah well... worse comes to worst... I'll get my paws on a VCD and watch it at home, alone =(

Shady self-destructed @ 04:48

Sunday, October 03, 2004

WTH!!! Shazz had a rollback. Oh manx... to think that I played till lvl 44 earlier. I turned on the PC again when I woke up and was back at lvl 38. All my items were gone as well. Gaaahhhhh and I even managed to get a slotted shield for my swordie. /me smacks head. Sometimes ShazzRO really pisses me off. My bro's PC monitor is still dead & frankly I feel like simming rite now. Bloody annoying. Luckily I didn't push till job lvl 50 and became an assassin b4 I slept or I would have screamed. Really. Itz like... the entire time I was playing, all the effort went to naught. Ah well, later I should be meeting up with Alvin to wash bike together. Even if he backs out last min am gonna wash my bike alone too. Too much procrastination is at play alredi. Guess it seems like if I really want something done, I gotta do it myself even when others back out... or the deed will never get done. *sigh* Itz always easier when there's company though. F**k it. I should start to learn to operate alone. Too much dependence makes one useless.

Oh manx... you are still messing around with my mind huh? Why do you SMS me? Are u just bored or are u simply just thinking of me? I knoe that when I SMS u, I am thinking of you. Why the f**k am I even thinking of u? You asked me this morning, why do I ask u certain questions, and u mentioned that it might be coz I miss u. yeah... I do miss you. You ask why, I didn't answer. What do u expect me to say? Well perhaps this way is for the better. There are no commitments involved. There are no demands made. Just that it kinda messes up mi brain.

Shady self-destructed @ 22:12

One nite I ain't home & everything is in a mess. yesh... my table hath been packed once again. I confronted my mom, she denied it - as usual. Just tell me. My bro is now in NS. My dad ain't so free. I ain't even around. Who else packed it? The ghost that hath been hauting mi for ages? C'mon manx, gimme a break!!~! The ghost packed my room? F**k manx, I foresee alot of time gonna be spent looking for stuff last min again... though at this point of time, I ain't sure what I'm gonna miss. Another thing. My bro's PC. Monitor failed to come on -.-" yesh... I was still playing with it b4 I left for pero's houe last nite. When I came back this morn, everything was switched off and when I tried switching it back on... the monitor didn't light up. G-R-E-A-T huh? Now how am I supposed to Sim? Best thing is the denial of my mom. She denied that she turned the switches off. Ask her whether she hath mopped the area (coz PCs are pretty sensitive so it might have been water that damaged the wiring or something). It was a no. Itz like to hell with her manx!!~! here I am trying to find out what might be the possible causes of the monitor not turning on, there she is denying everything in the world & not helping. You tell me what am I supposed to do now? The PC is dead. When my bro books out... he's gonna make alot of noise. Whatz her f**king obsession with cleaning anyway?! Why can't she leave my room alone like she said a million times before? Are promises that hard to keep? F**king hell. Itz like 7+ in the morning and I am pissed. Great deal itz gonna do to my health.

Anyway the 1st day of wrk was pretty uneventful. Simple job, just photocopying ICs. Though there are short periods of times when there are simply soooooo many ICs to photocopy. Not to mention, I was checking out the guys @ the same time as well - not that there are many actually worth looking at. *grinx* Thatz the sad case about humankind... if you are female. There are so many girls out there who are "pretty", but so few guys out there that are even passable. Ah well, spent alot of time stonning as well. Hmm at least there's $$ invovled. *sigh* I just hope that the singapore prisons will gimme a call someday soon.

*sigh* I am confused. Do you like me, in that kinda way, or do you just treat me as a very good friend? The things you do sometimes tell me that u are indeed interested in more than just friendship. Yet, some things you do seriously make me doubt that as well. I don't even know what I wanna believe rite now. I ain't even sure that I like you in that kinda way... but you are certainly on my mind more often than it is to be comfortable. Those conflicting signals... are u just trying to mess up my mind? Does it make u glad to see mi in confusion? The stuff you've said to me before. Are they just jokes or what? I may be a horrible individual, but at least I dun fuck around with another person's mind. If you like me, just tell me manx. What do u want? That I make the 1st move and u can reject me in my face? Gosh -.-" I dunno lahx. I dun even know what I'm thinking rite now. Coz all I wanna do is play TS2 & the monitor can't work. Talk about uber frustration in the morning.

Shady self-destructed @ 07:50

Friday, October 01, 2004

I am BORED. Yesh. There are things to do, no doubt. But the only thing I feel like doing now is go out to catch Resident Evil 2. Once again, there's no one to jio. F**k it manx, I'll prolly just end up watching it alone @ some ulu cinema when the show is gonna end. I dun wanna download this one. The sound effects are pretty essential. Everyone is bz with their own lives. Everyone has their own things to do. This is damn f**ked up. I'd betta find something to do, to take up all the time I have in my life and totally dump the social aspect aside. That part... is the most useless of all. It only brings me headaches & irritation. F**k it.

Shady self-destructed @ 21:08

The meet-up wif Jordy was alright I suppose... it wasn't as awkward as expected, since both of us ended up talking about bikes & more bikes. lolx. Yeah, bikes were the main ice-breaker. Went for breakfast at beach rd market. The laksa wasn't as good as the one I used to have at Yishun though *shrugx* Anyway, doesn't matter, am too sleepy to actually taste food. /heh I am frigging sleepy rite now but I still feel like playing RO. Thanx to the anime I've watched earlier. Ah well... then again, I feel like Simming but I doubt I can last too long. I'll prolly fall asleep while turning on my bro's PC. Well. Final verdict - am going to sleep. oyasuminasai.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:07

More sleepless niteX. Can my biological clock ever be switched back? Anyway sent my bro off to Tekong today... I kinda miss his presence alredi - always he'll be sleeping on my spot, so itz like, I just got home to a pretty empty house *sigh* Itz back to doing things alone, even at home. I'll be watching WWE alone, playing the PS2 alone & Simming alone. Think itz gonna be kinda hard to get used to. Gahhhh I nvr tot I'll say this, but yeah I do miss that lil' brat. Now that there's no one to really argue with me... itz gonna be soooooo boring /sob I wonder how he'll cope in camp. Alpha company. Parents visiting is nxt weekend but I suppose my mom & dad are gonna go. He'll only be home one the... 16th I suppose *shrugx* I wonder how he'll be like when he does come home. Ah well, am gonna start wrking on the weekends this Sat. It ain't much, but at least itz a lil bit of $$ - betta than nothing. I just hope Singapore prisons will respond -.-" Hmmm should be bunking over at pero's tonite. Kewl. air-con ahahahah !!~! I wonder if I should go with Jordy for breakfast. Well.. since I alredi so deprived of sleep... might as well huh? See if we hit off or otherwise @ this 1st meeting. Betta than wasting SMSes all the time. lolx.

Shady self-destructed @ 07:06

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

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+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

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