Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

As expected. I overslept. My alarm rang, as usual, and I turned it off like I always did... den went back to snooze. Woke up searching for the handfone 20min later, realised that since I'm alredi late, might as well take another few min of lazing around. If I rushed to bath & get outta the house directly after, I would have made it in time, 8am, via public transport. However, being the lazy ol' me, I decided to just flag a cab later, allowing me ample time to consume instant noodles rite now, while blogging. I just simply hate rushing. And the thought of walking in the rain sux big time. Yesh, itz raining. Pretty heavily, come to think of it. Which means, I gotta be riding on wet conditions later. I hope the rain stops during my turn, even though I love riding in the rain. Itz just that... I rather it starts raining during my turn, than rain before and continue raining. I just lose confidence somehow & I know I am gonna screw up @ the crank course & narrow plank *sigh* HmX... itz actually barely 7:10am. Should I rush and take public transport instead? But that means a long walk in the rain frm YCK MRT station to SSDC. *thinks & considers* Ah well... think I'd rather rest at home awhile longer. Will leave around say... 7:25am? I wonder what am I gonna do for the rest of the day, after the TP. I wanna watch Spiderman 2, but even now, the 4pm show is so heavily booked. The time slots after that will be even worse, I reckon, due to ppl getting off work. Damn... why doesn't it rain when I have all the time to sleep in the world? Why does it rain when I have to leave the house?

Shady self-destructed @ 07:09

Bought powerpuff girls stickers for my helmet. Not exactly the size I'm looking for, much tinier, but itz betta than nothing I hope. *fingers n toes crossed* 5th time. Gosh, does anyone take that long to pass? Itz getting embarrasing when ppl ask mi if I have gotten my license yet and how many times have I booked for TP liaox. I know, I am female. ppl don't expect mi to go thru' with it, but I just wanna silence them. Arrgghhh and I've said this a million times b4, I really want a bike!!~! Am actually downloading Fairyland rite now. Ain't too keen about the game but since piggy is playing it, I thought, what the heck, might as well play it with him. It beats slashing monsters alone on iRO. mmorpgs are supposed to be played with friends... not alone, like what I've been doing all this while. Heh, that doesn't mean that I am gonna give up RO as yet. I still wanna make use of the $$ I paid to reactivate the account!~! Oh yeah... come nxt mth, I'll be keeping track of my cash flow. I wanna see how much I can manage to save each mth & whether I am spending too much or otherwise. Especially that I wun be staying on at SR much longer. I'll sign the form tml... I'll leave, latest by mid-July. New job or otherwise. I just hate being left out @ wrk. I gotta go take a bath.. and force myself to sleep. Will just play pokemon till I Zzz I suppose. I can't wait to trade pokemon with tuttle - apparently he's now playing it instead of bunnie. Best wishes to myself tml. sore ja.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:33

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

HmZzz... had some spare time b4 I left for SSDC and decided to just create a quiz for ppl I know. Just outta curiosity - how well do the ppl around me know me. lolx. I believe it'll be impossible that anyone scores a 100%. In fact, I'll be pretty impressed if anyone gets 70 and above *grinx* Yeah, thatz how complex a person I actually am. But hmx... den again, itz MCQ and theres like 25% chance of getting each question rite by mere guess. Haha... I hope ppl respond. It'll suck if I created that and no one takes it.

You think you know me?

Anyway, just returned frm SSDC and am wolfing down laksa b4 I go to wrk. Yeah I finally managed to get up on time & dragged myself down to take my self-practice. I left with, even less confidence than before. =( Seems like I am destined not to ride ever in this lifetime. I wonder why. Ah well, will still try my best for tomorrow. Damn, that means an early nite after I get off work. That sux. I still have newspapers to go thru - to search for another job. Time really flies at times & it really crawls as well (especially during work time). Spent 15min earlier @ popular bookstore, browsing thru the stickers avaliable. Nopez, I didn't find anything suitable for my helmet. They're either too small or too... kiddish. Gah!! I hope Suntec will have something. Will take like 1/2hr break to go search. Anything thatz sufficiently big & not too hateful will suffice. Will be keeping my eyes out for pokemon & ppg.

*sigh* I just hate it when I gotta rush thru lunch.

Shady self-destructed @ 01:32

Monday, June 28, 2004

HmZzz... came back from work, and read Meishan's blog outta curiosity... while waiting for dinner, had nothing much to do & curiosity (someday I'll get killed like the cat) made me test a few of them out. The results are expected, but pathetic.

Your Heart is Black

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

I think I've taken the above one before and ended up with the same results. They're all listed on my webby which I failed to update for a long period of time. *shrugx* I am a born procrastinator & I tend to fizzle out quickly on things that I've started. lolx, the cross stitch I am supposed to do for Jian is still unopened on the... oh fuck, I don't even know where all those stuff went anymore. My mom packed my room the other day, despite countless of reminders NOT to. Gosh, I love my mom but she can be a real bitch at times. Whatz so difficult to understand? Itz just 3 words - DO NOT TOUCH!! Fuck, now I gotta waste precious gaming time to look or it... not that I'm gonna start on it tonite, but it feels betta knowing where my things are. More quizzes....

borderline

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your soul is DARK. You aren't too happy with your
life, though you may feel you should be. You're
probably solitary, pessimistic, brooding,
possibly nocturnal, but mostly a general
unknown. You might have a hidden liking for
pain and destruction, but you're probably more
masochistic that sadistic if that's true. (look
it up if you don't know what they mean!) Those
that think they know you tend to place you
closer to evil on a scale of good and evil,
which might not be true. What people see may
not be who you actually are. Some people fear
you and others mock you. What isn't really
known, though, is that you're not pure evil.
You're just a mysterious, misunderstood - and
sadly, forsaken - soul.

What Is Your Soul's Trait?
brought to you by Quizilla

A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of
sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have
your electronics you feel you can cope. Time
goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room
hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your
favourite collection of guitar-driven
albums.

Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour,
individuality.

Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life,
action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.

Your Personality type is the only type that would
like this cool online gothic Game:

www.life-blood.vze.com

What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Xuan Wu!

Mythological background: Because the turtle has a
thick, solid shell that serves as protection -
this animal is associated with stability. You
enjoy intellectual pursuits.
Also, in Feng Shui (the Chinese myths behind
choosing a house), the black turtle's solidity
is used to protect from cold northern winds.

Which Chinese Mythological Being Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmz... the last one is pretty weird ehz? But ah well, it prolly just feels weird coz I don't know much about chinese dieties and such... to think that I'm chinese & I used to be a Taoist/Buddhist - if I follow my dad's side in such things. When I lost my IC when tha wallet was stolen, I had it remade & changed the religion thingy on my records. Am now officially a "free-thinker" but I suppose ppl who know be betta will know that I am not exactly one. Oh yeah, found those cross-stitches thingy liaox, I asked my mom to look for it and told her off at tha same time. Someday, at this rate, I'll be struck by lightning BUT how many times have my warnings gone unheeded? I just hate it when ppl dun respect my wishes and invade my personal space.

Stole a sugar bowl from wrkplace today. My handfone (or rather, pero's) looks good lying in it. lolx. When I took it, I was wondering, what the hell would I be using that for. When I took it outta my bag, I was carrying my handfone and just placed it in. Since it looks good in it, kinda cute actually, I don't see why I should bother looking for other uses *grinx* Damn, Jian is online. I still have yet to get over him totally. This blows big time. But it'll just get betta... when I leave SR. Yesh, I am leaving. I signed the resignation form at work today & put my last day as 5th July. However, when Colin came, he asked that I stay till the end of July like everyone else. Make it kind of a "mass quit" thingy. I have yet to give him a reply. I hope the company hasn't trained anyone by then. It'll just hurt them so much that all of us quits at the same time. Surprise surprise, Colin wrote his resignation form as well & so did Diana who came down for awhile, near to closing time. Apparently everyone is leaving. Itz Shufang's last day tml. And I heard frm Colin that Min wants to leave as well. Don't get me wrong, the rage about what happened still lies in me... just that itz been temporarily covered for a bit. Fuck the company. Must go look for a job.

Thankfully there are no matches tonite, but I have a feeling that I gonna be gaming till the wee hours - as usual. *shrugx* I have to tire myself out so much that I'll go directly to sleep tomorrow when I get home. The date of the TP is drawing near. Damn, I really dun feel like going just to fail. I'd betta pass... sticker hunting tml after SSDC. Good luck, haf fun, ShaDy-chan.

Shady self-destructed @ 23:19

I am so lazy. I got up 10min ago & although I know I will make it in time if I rush down to SSDC (my RR is at 10:30am), I think I'll be going back to sleep instead. *nod nod* I am aware that I'm wasting the $$ but I just ain't in the mood to travel all the way down for an 1hr 40min on the bike. Won't I forget how to ride? Uhm... I booked a RC for tomorrow morning - that I'll go no matter what. Gotta polish up my circuit riding skills and just hope for the best on Wed. *shrugx* I've been to RRs everytime previously & nothing changes. Yeah it does help boost confidence a little but I still failed. Guess there's nothing left for me to do but try my utmost best & hope nothing screws up this time. No immediate failures - thatz what I'm most worried about. I know, failing by demerit points suck big time, but thatz like up to the tester's discretion... I'll just depend on luck. Am now going back to sleep. Gotta wake up slightly earlier later 2 pop by popular bookstore on my way to wrk - to get a few stickers for my helmet. Damn... the nagging feeling is still there... that I am wasting $$ but err, sleep is something $$ really can't buy. lolx, am trying so hard to comfort myself here ehx? I wonder what time I should sleep till. 11:30? 12?

It was a wonderful 2nd half for the match last nite. Czech Rep demolished Denmark 3-0. After the Danes conceeded the 1st goal, the match just seemed over. Their defence crumbled, midfield dispersed and seems to spend much time defending instead of attacking. Gee... the Czechs are performing real well. Hmx, I wonder if what I told pero yesterday will come true, that Euro 2004 finals will be be Portugal v Czech Rep.

Oh fuck manx... my eyebrow is soooo itchy & itz starting to hurt when I touch it. Darn infections. I just can't seem to keep trouble away from me.

Shady self-destructed @ 09:41

Met up with Kai, Glitchz & Black Howling for a short while... went to Can cafe & had a little drink (mine was iced peach tea - frankly it sux) and caught up with each other for a bit. Actually the catching up was between mi & Kai. I don't know Glitchz that well though he used to be my Oz dear and as for Black Howling, this is only tha 2nd time that I got to see him. Hmx... Kai & his gal are no longer together but it seems like he wouldn't be staying single for long. He was talking about this cute gal he just got to know thru a pool tournament lately & hmx, yeah I do admit, he's an attractive guy. *grinx* at times I am envious. He just has so many friends, he'll never be alone it seems. I wonder how itz like being a person like him. When u just have ppl around u, whether u like it or not & when u are bored, there's always someone around for u to ask. But how deep can those friendships go, thatz another question. Ah well... to each his/her own. Everyone is different so I guess I shall not bother trying to change myself but accept things the way they are. Not to mention, fill myself with stuff to do when I am alone.

Had a short chat with jem online earlier & I mentioned my options to him, regarding my worklife. I asked for his opinion. Well... he said that it would be betta for mi to quit my job first & then look for a new one, so it'll be easier to focus. I've been thinking about these 2 options for quite sometime. 1. I quit the job & keep myself busy while in the meantime, put in effort looking for a new one. 2. I just linger on at SR till I find a new one. Both have their own implications. If I take option 1, the worry is that, I will stay jobless for a pretty long period of time & I'll just die of boredom @ home. 2. If I don't quit my present one, I won't have the sense of urgency to go get another job. HmZzz... opinions anyone? I won't say that I will heed anyone's advice rite now but it just helps listening to what others think about this situation. Frankly, am unsure of what I really want. Part of me (60%) wants to go for option 1, but the other 40% prefers option 2. Most ppl I've spoken to actually asks mi to go look for another job b4 I quit. That'll be the practical option. But *sigh* I no longer enjoy working & I dread going to wrk... in the long run, I think that'll affect my overall mood + mental health. Gosh, itz all for the $$ manx.

I wonder if I'll be able to keep awake tomorrow. RR is at 10:30am which means the latest I can snooze till is 9am. Hopefully the match later doesn't go into extra time & penalty shootouts. I'm like in desperate need of sleep for my mind to be clear. And there's the worrying TP. *sigh* Will take things as they come I suppose. Itz just difficult to focus at times & it doesn't help that I'll be ultimately bored at wrk. I hope piggy & Nicholas is working. At least there's Shufang to talk to... though I have this inkling that she'll be leaving at 6pm. Leaving for mi to handle closing. GAH!!~! I just hope I won't get to see Colin much. Arrrgghh dun wanna think about it. The more I think, the more pissed off I get. Chill Shady... chill.

Earlier, on MSN, was discussing about organising a BBQ along with Jon @ his place. That'll be like on the 10th of July. Gee I hope we'll be able to pull it off. At least there's something to look foward to. I love BBQs. Those chicken wings... ahhhh and not to mention, the booze & company. lolx. We intend to ask all the good ol' bunch who used to be at SR. Memories... gosh.

I am gonna go play The Sims for a bit. The offline one.

Shady self-destructed @ 02:39

Sunday, June 27, 2004

The bloody MC & medication cost me $26/- I claimed that I was on the verge of fainting at work... the doc took my blood pressure and says that itz kinda low (that I know, have taken previous tests b4) & perscribed me iron pills. lol. She offered to give me a 2-day MC but I rejected, saying that I have return to work tml, coz if I don't, I don't get paid & medical leave ain't covered by the company. Damn. I feel like slapping myself in the face rite now. I SHOULD have taken that 2 day MC & not turn up for wrk tomorrow. I'll be kinda bored at home, but I think that beats being bored @ work. Just that, if I remain at home, I don't get paid. And I don't wanna disagree with $$. No no, I ain't becoming money-faced but I just don't wanna give up a chance of making extra bucks, if you get what I mean. Even if it means facing Colin at work tomorrow. But ah well... it'll only be for a short period of time, so frankly I don't give much of a shit. He can do whatever he wants. I'll just get pissed. Since I'm pissed like so often, think I'll survive. Betta get myself pscyhed up so I won't do anything childish at wrk... as in anything that will make my image go down in my own eyes. I can't afford to lose respect for myself. I am all I've got /gg

Believe it or not, I am STILL pissed. yesh, my anger is hard to subside. Much as I keep telling myself... it ain't worth it. He's just a jerk. No point getting so worked up and pissed coz of a pinhead, coz that'll just ultimately injure my health. Itz just that... I still am pissed. lol. Somehow. F**k manx, should have taken that MC. I still gotta go SSDC early tml.

Shah was saying that he'll buy me a helmet if I pass my TP this wed, and that he can spray paint my new bike for me... lolx, even without that additional motivation, I am DYING to pass my TP this Wed. To finally be able to ride on the roads, silence all those who think that I can never make it coz of my physique & gender. And to finally ride an SP that I can call my own. Gosh, it'll be a great thing if that really happens. I really hope it will. Den again, I don't wanna hope for anything much anymore. Hope just brings... disappointment. I don't like it.

Shady self-destructed @ 21:55

I couldn't wake up this morning. I didn't even call in sick. When SR called mi, I didn't pick up the phone. pero did and told them that I'm sleeping & that I wouldn't be coming in the entire day. My sleep wasn't peaceful. Perhaps itz coz of the light thatz coming thru my windows, perhaps itz not cool enough an environment for snoozing or just perhaps my mind wasn't really in a "restful" state. Whatever it was, I did wake up occasionally only to drift back to dreamland. Finally got up almost 1pm. Am now having lunch and contemplating what to do nxt. I'm alright with staying at home the entire fucking day... itz just that, I need an MC to cover my ass b4 Colin gives mi hellotta shit again. I still have no freaking idea if polyclinics are open today... and going to a private clinic will just cost too much. Den again, rest is priceless. Will end up at a private clinic if I don't have a choice. Just somewhere away from my house.

Pinky is seriously testing my patience. Or perhaps itz coz I'm alredi irritated to begin with, thatz y all his SMSes seem to piss the hell outta me. I just SMSed him and said that I am gonna take an MC today. And asked if polyclinics are opened. He just replied with an SMS saying that "where got open today?". Itz like... how the fuck am I supposed to know that they aren't open today? I haven't exactly been to a polyclinic for the entire goddamned 23 years. There ain't one anywhere near my place coz I live in town... so tell me, how the fuck am I to know? Damn. *takes a deep breath & a mouthful of hor fun* I believe this irritation towards Pinky is an accumulated thingy. And last nite seemed to have contributed a huge deal to it. I don't think I wanna go out with him anymore... at least not in the near future... and NOT unless he has plans. I so nearly left to meet up with Adeline & Jasper last nite after bumping into them @ Sommerset. He is plain BORING. Or perhaps we just don't know each other well enough to have anything to do. Things will be different if I'm with jem and the rest... itz like even if we have nothing to do, we'll find somewhere, sit down & tok cock, or rather, each one will be doing their own thing and just slack around. Somehow, that can only be done with ppl u know for a longer period of time - with someone u barely know, itz awkward. We just can't click very well. Time and again we run outta topics & when I speak English, I gotta repeat myself many times b4 he gets the point... oh and he always asks the same questions again and again and again. Also, he's always asking if I wanna go over to his place. Gosh, doesn't he have anything else to do?

Ahhhhh don't wanna think about it. My plan now is, slack a bit @ home and den go to Bedok where there's a 24hr clinic. Don't know how the rates are gonna be like, but I suppose it'll be much betta than hospital costs. Damn, itz troublesome "getting sick" on a Sunday - when nowhere is open. I hate Sundays. Okay, I love Sundays, only when I get to stay at home. lolx. I'm off nxt week on Wed. GAH!!~! I hate the way my off dayz are planned. Some so close to each other, some so far apart.

Anyway last nite, the match ended 0-0 at full-time and Holland eventually went thru on penalties. It wasn't exactly a wonderful match but the match has itz own highpoints. Betta than the France v Greece game though. I wonder how will Holland fare against Portugal. Tonite yet another game. I have my bike road revision tml, I wonder if I'll have enuff energy to go... gosh itz my TP again soon. 30th June. I kinda gave up on passing alredi. Am just going coz, I dun wanna put all those $$ to waste. But perhaps itz betta to give up now and waste less $$ ??

Shady self-destructed @ 14:29

I am still pissed about what happened the previous nite @ work. To think, there is a full day ahead of me tomorrow and I'm watching Sweden vs Netherlands now. I wonder where pero is. He's supposed to come down and watch it with me. pfffttt.... cycling, so I reckon he's on his way?? approx 15 min into tha match alredi. Yesh. I am pissed. What sparked that all over again?? A rotten taxi driver. I took a cab back frm Cineleisure. When I told the cab driver my destination, he complained that I am asking him to drive me to somewhere to near. Just down the road. Granted that itz just a stone's throw away and a 25min walk... I believe that remark was uncalled for and that got mi totally pissed off. I took down the cab number, his surname and just sent an email to Comfort Delgro. The email addy is the only thing I can find on their webby. I hope they'll get it... not that it would make much of a difference but I just can't tolerate such things. Not after such a rotten week. Tml is just gonna be worse, I know it. And it was a boring day with Pinky. Real boring. I am gonna go eat my instant noodles now. Too pissed to blog coherently.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:02

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Wheeeeeeee!!~! My PC seems so much faster now!!~! Apparently whatever Mclairs did last nite worked =) Didn't know what exactly he did, all I know he was cursing & swearing while I watch watching Greece beat France. gosh, and I have yet to really thank him. Fell asleep rite after full-time & continued sleeping till he left... at what time did he leave, how did he leave, I can't exactly remember. Ack, feel so guilty that he came over to fix my PC instead of catching some shuteye. And he hath to wrk today. I am off. Yesh, FINALLY itz my off day. I haven't been off since LAST WEEK Tuesday & itz taking a toll on my mental health. lolx. Not that I have anything to do with I'm off. Nxt off day Wed. Wonder what am I gonna do in tha day. AH well... later, I'll be meeting Karin. The theory lesson for scuba diving is today. heh, I hope itz interesting enuff. I am so sleepy that I'll prolly just doze off in tha classroom or something. pffffft. Tioman, I can't wait =.=

Oh yeah, as I was saying. Greece beat France last nite. By a single goal in the 2nd half. *stunned* Seriously, who would have expected that? France sucked big time last nite. With Henry supposedly back in form, and Trezequet partnering him up front with Zindane in support, Frace didn't perform. Period. I expected to watch a match with Frace attacking furiously, trying to break down the Greeks rock solid defence... but noooooooooo... it was Barthez who's the busy goalkeeper thruout. Instead, France hardly did anything significant. Good riddance that they're out. HmZzz... seems like for Euro 2004, the "dark horses" are doing pretty well. I hope Holland goes down to Sweden tonite. Heh... hopefully pero can book out & is willing to watch the match with mi. Watch alone damn the sianx one - will spend alot of time starring at the GBA instead. lolx. And now chn 5 is telecasting the matches, I'll be like on the PC at the same time as well? =.= Damn, England shouldn't have lost.

I was so close to filling up a resignation form last nite. Thanx to Colin. Yesh, he and his bloody mood swings. Apparently he was super busy in the bar & all I did was remind him that he owes mi & Nic quite alot of drinks. Den he just blew. He said I should actually be going in to help instead of wiping the cutleries outside -.-" Fuck manx. If I dun wipe the cutleries, who is gonna do that? There are only like 2 fucking knives left. Gosh, the more I think about it, the more pissed off I am getting. To think that Nicholas thought that I didn't get angry. My rage just came later... more a seething rage that builds up over time, the more I think about it. _|_ and if I went into the bar to help, that'll leave Nic alone on floor, with an almost full house & tables having turnovers. Just coz they're slow and busy inside the bar doesn't mean that he's gotta get pek chek and throw his temper around. Following that was the banging of plates & cups... and the bringing down of everyone's morale. Den he asked mi to leave at 10pm - saying that it ain't necessary for so many ppl to do closing. Fine. I left. Good riddance. The only thing that was stopping mi from just signing the resignation form is logic. I have yet to find another job... I need something to keep mi occupied, and not rot @ home. And, I forced myself to think of the times Colin actually helped mi. The anger didn't subside, but the impulse was tamed. I admit, I am still angry. I'll probably will for dayz to come. I just hope the impluse doesn't get betta of me. This is a good test to cultivate patience.

I gotta look for a job.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:36

Friday, June 25, 2004

A fucked up ending to a fucked up day. Yesh... my day (Thursday) finally ends, at almost 6am in the morning of the nxt day (Friday). Itz way past my bedtime. Thankfully I caught some snoozes b4 the match. I was feeling totally fucked the entire day. Perhaps itz coz I woke up at the wrong side of the bed? Hell... I don't even remember which side I normally wake up & I was late for wrk. Yesh. Woke up 11:24am - didn't bother to rush coz no matter how fast I do stuff, I'll still be late. Took my own damned time and turned up at wrk 1/2hr late. *shrugx* It was fucking boring at work. Yesh, BORING!! Shufang was off, Alex was off & Nicholas was off. Ended up just me, Colin, Min & later at 6pm, Jian. Jeffery in the kitchen. Somehow, I didn't have anyone to talk much to... except occasionally disturbing Colin. When Jian came, w/o Terry, it just felt worse. Seems that I'm left alone most of the time. Besides, I was stonned. Dropping off to sleep & I was so tired that I couldn't really smile. Customers were their usual fucked up selves... thatz normal. Itz just that, I can't imagine how am I gonna survive there when Shufang & Alex leaves. If that ain't fucked enuff... I had problems jioing ppl out for a movie tml nite. Everyone I SMS seems to reject mi (same problem - lack of moolah) but eventually Mclairs agreed, on condition that he bunk over at my place. Gosh, is it SO goddamned difficult to ask ppl out? But thatz always the case isn't it - ppl asking mi out all on the same day & when I really wanna go out, there's no one to ask. Am still thinking of what to do on my off day, nxt Wed. Might be meeting jem 4 dinner n a drink if he doesn't back out. Ahhh well, itz still too early to tell.

The final straw - Portugal 2 England 2 (with Portugal going thru' on penalties). Yeah, penalties. Thatz the reason why I am still awake at this goddamned hour!!~! It was an exciting match though. Gosh... Beckham failed to score a penalty? He was totally fucked up this entire tournament. Can't say that he performed well. In fact, he's kinda "quiet" on the field for the matches so far, if you get what I mean. Rooney was taken off due to injury though, replaced by Vassell. Damn Vassell. How the fuck did he get his shot saved by Ricardo? Ah well, Rui Costa missed on for Portugal. Postiga's penalty & not to mention, his goal was beautiful though arrogant. lolx. yeah. What an irony, the winning goal was scored by Ricardo himself, right after he blocked Vassell's shot. Thatz it, England are out.

*sigh*

I shall go to sleep instead of chatting with this fella online - he's just making life seem all the more bleak. Attached, but interested in knowing another gal when he went clubbing. And he claims that he's been with his gf for 5 years and nvr once did was he unfaithful to her... coz he's the shy kind with no initiative. And he also says that he wants to know the gal as "just friends". *shrugx* According to him, he just likes cute gals as "friends". Thatz just human nature isn't it? ppl being interested in members of the opposite gender who are physically attractive. That just makes mi lose even more hope in mankind. Humans are... weak. They just give into temptation too easy and can never stay faithful to their partner, mentally at least. Granted that there is freedom to befriend another... but having that intention and YET claiming to be faithful doesn't really match. Being with ur bf/gf yet thinking of another... how faithful is that? Perhaps ppl will think of this matter from another point of view. But thatz how I am thinking now. To hell with humans. I shall remain single for the rest of my life - yeah thatz what I say now, but I too, am weak. I give into the temptation of playing with fire too much. Burn muthafucker, burn.

I should rest. Yet another long day ahead when I get up. Life blows.

Shady self-destructed @ 06:01

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Germany 1 Czech Republic 2
Latvia 0 Holland 3

A beautiful sport with couple of beautiful goals this nite. Pity that both matches are played @ the same time, or I would be able to watch all of tha goals /gg was nodding off halfway though, and if it wasn't for Burger calling mi periodically & occasionally SMSing me, I would have dozed off n missed them all. *grinx* Holland are thru. Czech Rep are getting interesting - they're the only team who won all 3 of their group matches so far. I wonder how will they fare against Denmark in tha knock-out stage. Ah well... tha nxt match Portugal vs England. I'd betta NOT sleep for that one!!~! Heh, betta get some rest and wake up for the match instead. Am no longer restless now. Only sleepy. And I still ache all over. Been feeling this way for the past few nites alredi. Wonder whatz wrong with mi. Such is the fragility of the mortal shell. Thankfully I decided not to go Zouk tonite =.=

Shady self-destructed @ 04:45

ShaDy is feeling so restless.
There is something stirring inside me that I can't place a finger on.

I feel like doing something, yet I can't seem to concentrate on anything - am now resorting to watching MTVs and perhaps later, another episode of Kanon b4 the matches for tonite. This is a feeling of sloth + raw energy. I just feel like running and running and running... with all my strength & collapse after. Perhaps itz something to do with the MTVs I've been watching & the music I've been listening to. All those pure energy, passion, head banging & angst. I just have this urge to jam. To plug an electric guitar into an amp & just bang away on it. Yesh, even at this goddamned hour. Itz just too bad that I suck at it. I suck at everything I do. I can do loads of things, just none very well. *frustrated* Granted that practice makes perfect... but does it really work? For instance, if I dedicate 2hr daily just playing away at my guitar. Will I be able to jam in a band someday? Fuck it manx. Thatz been my thought since a very long time ago & I never came close to being fulfiled. Perhaps I'll just do a few chords on SubZero later. I hope he's in tune. My fuckin' tuner is outta battery & I dont remember where I threw my tuning fork. Last resort - pitch pipe. Gosh... that really sux big time. *mumbles incoherently*

Denmark drew 2-2 with Sweden last nite. Both teams proceeded to the quarters and Italy are on their way home, despite beating Bulgaria 2-1... with a goal in injury time. I can't say I was exactly concentrating on tha matches 100%. Was playing with my GBA too. Damn, I need to save up for the flash card. I hope Mclairs helps mi check it out ASAP. Super gian to get more RPGs for the road. Then again, will I have time to play them all? I can't even complete my PS2 games. And there's like a stack of PS1 games on my floor... or were they on my table. *shrugx*

I love Eminem. I love Mike Shinoda. I love Chester Bennington. I love Daniel Johns. I love Axl Rose. I love Kurt Cobain. I love... arrgghhh wat the fuck is wrong with me?

Shady self-destructed @ 02:15

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Dropped by the Padang for a little after wrk, to check out the LINKIN PARK concert that was going on. Boy was there a crowd outside the Padang *grinx* Seems pretty kewl & the sound is pretty good. Just that... wait a min!!~! Why are there so many little girls screaming & why do most of the ppl who are crowding ard look as if they are here on some idol chase? OMG was our 1st reaction. Yeah, 3 of us - mi, piggy & Min. Was talking about this issue for quite sometime, with piggy. About trends in dressing & music. That most Singaporeans are a bunch of bandwagon followers. Remember way back it was the J-pop & K-pop that hit Singaporean youth... den came the hip hop period thanx to Jay Chou & Eminem. Which led on to further hip hop with Beyonce, Black Eyed Peas, Usher... etc. and now itz "punk rock". Just take a look at how everyone is dressed now. Punkers wannabes. *scoffs* Sometimes I wonder, why don't ppl just find their own identity, be what they are, instead of copying trends. Itz like... uhm... the attitude is what counts, not the dressing & the type of music u claim u listen to. Music is universal. Any kind of music are meant to be listened to. Itz just that... u try to act hip hop when u are obviously not + u try to act like a punk and fail drastically. Anyone with a keen enough eye will see thru' you in a sec. Example? Look at those bengs. They try to dress like a punk with all their outfits YET one look at them (even without them speaking), you'll know that they're a beng. *slaps forehead* If punk runs in ur blood, you'll be a punk & ppl will know that you're a punk even if you dress formally... so the bottom line is -> Why bother trying to be someone u are not? Ah well... free will. If it makes them happy *shrugx*

As for myself. Hmx, yeah true, at times I do try to fake it. For a change of outlook. You know... dye my hair black, dress "decently" w/o all those earrings... but err... I think I fail. lolx. How do I describe myself? What category do I fall into? I have no fuckin' idea manx. Some ppl call me a chiongster, but I don't go clubbing that often. Piggy calls me a punk, and so does my classmates @ SIM. But I think I am like so far away from being a punk... with exception of the cannot-care-less attitude. I listen to metal, alternative, rock, anime themes & even Chinese songs. What doth that make me? Metal being my 1st choice definitely. A metalhead? With my antichrist sentiments, self-multiation tendancies & immense attraction towards the "darkness", can I be considered a goth? I have no idea. You tell me. If I have to categorize myself, I would call myself a gamer. But I don't spend all my waking hours on games, do I? *grinx* Gaming is part of my life force though, I don't deny that. *shrugx* atashi wa, atashi da. omae no iken, kamawanai =.=

Yesh, England are thru!!~! Final result - Croatia 2 England 4 & Switzerland 1 France 3. Hmx... England are gonna face Portugal in tha quarters. Kewl. Tonite, the Denmark & Sweden match will hold tha key to Italy's future in Euro 2004. Anything like a 2-2 draw for them, regardless of what happens in the Italy v Bulgaria match, the Italians are on the nxt flight outta Portugal. Gosh, once again I was snoozing off during tha match, I hope I fare betta tonite. Now to help Shufang send out some resumes. I promised.

Shady self-destructed @ 23:44

ShaDy is weak. I am weak. I actually teared when I watched Kanon. Watched all tha way till the story of Kawasumi Mai came to a conclusion. Mai, a gal who prowls the school halls in the midst of the night, fighting invisible monsters. A gal who doesn't speak much, who doesn't express herself & the way she feels. A gal who has a kind heart deep within... however, she's frequently viewed as a troublemaker becoz of the way she is. However, there is a friend who stands by her always - Kurata Sayuri. In the process, Sayuri gets hurt, physically yet she refuses to give up. Eventually she even managed to stop Mai from suicide. Tears rolled down Mai's face. They tugged at my heart. Itz wonderful to have someone who cares for you that much. Who sticks around and believes in you no matter what the rest of the world thinks. Knowing that you are not alone in this world, that there are some things you taught u had to do... and realising that you do not. Itz just... beautiful, I guess. I wonder if I am actually alone in this world. Who will be around for me? Will I ever realise who I really am? Will my wings one day unfurl and take flight? Who am I?

Shady self-destructed @ 02:42

Monday, June 21, 2004

Am gorging myself silly now on a HUGE bowl of spaghetti *grinx* I just LOVE pasta. I never seem to get full when I eat it... even when I eat the stuff at work, I normally ask for an extra packet of noodles (when most ppl complain full after 1). lolx. Can still remember tha time when Colin cooked pasta for lunch - itz like, a mini-hill, and he was pretty stunned that I managed to eat it like the rest of tha guys... just kinda slower than they did. Okay okay, I admit, I only dig spaghetti, marcaroni & penne =.= Anyway, on top of that, I have campbell's mushroom soup, an entire fuckin' can of it!!~! muahahaha, itz a good dinner. Glad that I came home to makan afterall... was contemplating to ask Alex accompany mi for some food earlier. Mom's spaghetti is good. heh, compared to tha rest of the food she cooks. Hahah, am I sounding rather ungrateful here? Should count myself lucky that she cooks for mi ehx? Ah well... I am a truthful person, I don't deny facts *innocent stare* Gotta admit though, I miss Meo's mom's cooking. I can still remember how her chilli crabs taste like :D~~~ ultimate drool factor. Come to think of it, I wonder how he's doing now. Itz coming to 2 years since the break up & I never got to see him even on tha streets *shrugx*

HmX... my eyebrow stud still seems safe for tha time being, but thatz not gonna prevent mi from looking for jobs in tha meantime. Gee, really gotta thank Colin for sticking up for mi siahx. He told mi today, that if Doh Ngee makes noise about it, I just have to tell him that I promised Colin I'll remove it during operation hours once the wound is healed. I dunno what implications that might bring, but I just hope it won't spell trouble for Colin. I don't wanna get him into deeper shit than he alredi is - now that he hath been given a 2nd chance to stay in tha company. Ah well, if Doh Ngee doesn't accept that decision, and Colin is forced to do what he must do, I wouldn't blame him personally. Itz his job anyway... dun wanna ruin anything for him since he's been covering my ass for quite sometime alredi. Can actually count myself lucky for having such a nice supervisor. Itz just that at times, his temper tends to get outta hand (especially after extended periods of non-smoking) & I hate it when am on tha receiving end. pfffffttttt... He ain't that simple a person though. Gotta watch my back at tha same time *grinx* But this ain't my permanant job, so... fuck care lah huh?

Shock shock horror horror!!~! Spain failed to get past the group stages!!~! It was Russia 2 Greece 1 & Spain 0 Portual 1 last nite. Which means... Portugal tops the table & Greece goes thru in terms of goals scored!!~! Heh, I was kinda expecting Portugal to fall-out instead, but guess tha ball is always round >.< Itz reckoning time for Group B later tonite. England just needs a draw while Croatia needs a win to go thru', seems like tha odds are for England to proceed. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed though, that England doth go thru, and they'll probably be facing Portugal in the quarters if they do!!~! What a match that will be!!~! Grrr... I gotta steel myself and NOT fall asleep later. For now, I shall continue watching anime. Kanon is just getting all the more interesting :)

Shady self-destructed @ 23:34

Finished watching episode 2 of Kanon. This anime is indeed getting interesting, no wonder pero kept saying that it was kewl. The story about a boy, Aizawa Yuiichi, returning to a town of Snow where he lived in 7 yrs ago. He hath no memories of what happened in the past, but kept bumping into gals who seemed to know him from before. The illustrations aren't that great but the storyline doth keep mi hanging on. The town is beautiful. I wonder how is it, to be living in a place where it never stops snowing, where everything is just white and beautiful. Having no memories of the past. I wonder how doth that feel. If I had a chance... will I wipe away memories of everything that has happened b4, forget all the hurt I've been thru', forget everyone who ever made me cry, forget everything that made mi the way I am rite now. Would that be better? If I don't remember?

jem was mentioning about sleepng early and needing his energy for something he's been planning all long. He called it a "leap of faith", refused to elaborate & said that it'll be something I'll find out soon enough. He also mentioned that someone is gonna get hurt in the process, that everything's planned out & all he's waiting for is the right time. I wonder what he's talking about. The ol' jemstone - always talking about things halfway, and that pissed the hell outta me w/o fail, all the time!!! *grinx* afterwhich he made me download "Smelly Cat", that he sang while playing the guitar, saying that itz something to remember him by. I wonder whatz up his sleeve this time. I hope it's nothing bad. Though "bad" and "good" ain't up to me to decide. He's been drinking continuously nightly, according to himself... I just hope that whatever it is, he'll make it thru'. Itz just that, he's been around when I needed him, and it feels kinda helpless that I can't do the same. Whatever it is, guess I just gotta trust that he'll make the right decision. Well, perhaps itz nothing, perhaps itz just me thinking too much again. *shrugx* Am unsure if he has my blog address, and am unsure if he even reads this but jem, if you are, good luck. And I shall say what I said earlier - I don't need a song to remember you. You've been a good friend to me, and I love you for that =) Thanx daddy.

I shall skip the 1st half hr of the match for yet another episode =.=

Shady self-destructed @ 02:53

Sunday, June 20, 2004

WTH!!~! I just caught sight of my handfone bill & the numbers are mind-blowing. Gosh. I actually managed to send out 2174 SMSes tha previous mth and my bill is like $102.63!! *faintz* Should start cutting down on my SMS and I'll go get a new subscription plan on my nxt off day. At this rate, uncessary $$s are floating outta my pocket /sob. M1's Suntext sounds good - with free incoming calls for either nite/day (just like the Starhub plan am using now) and 1000 free SMS + 120 min outgoing calls f.o.c. Tha price being comparable to tha plan am using now. Yeah... I should switch. Thing is... itz super troublesome when I switch plans, gotta inform ppl of tha change of handfone no. Hmx... come to think of it, it ain't necessary that I inform EVERYONE - just the "necessary" ones /gg Time to clear up my "social circle" again, remove the acquaintances & just keep the friends.

Gotta start planning my budget too & come monday, will be looking at tha papers 4 jobs. Yeah, my time @ Secret Recipe seems to be coming to an end earlier than I expected. That fucker Doh Ngee, some goon Country Manager, asked Shufang to ask mi to remove my eyebrow piercing. No way was my answer. I wonder if Colin will say anything regarding that tml, when he returns frm reservist. I'll stay there for as long as I can and leave when forced to. When Doh Ngee speaks to mi personally, I'll try reasoning, if he doesn't accept it, then I'll have no choice but to leave... much as I don't wish to - at least not this soon. Initial plan was to wait till after Euro 2004 to search for a job... but now it seems like I gotta start looking ard. Dun wanna remain slack for too long. There are still bills to pay *sigh* Welcome to reality, Shady. Much as u hate it, the world is out there for u to live. Remove my eyebrow stud soemday I will, but as I mentioned b4, not for this job manx. No way. Not for a measly 1.1k (take home $880), and not for such a job that commands zero respect. Am speaking to Kevin now about this and he agrees. Heh, at least I have moral support ;P Ah well... no point thinking too much about this at this precise moment. What will happen, will happen. Will just take things a step at a time. Heh, seems like I will leave earlier than Shufang. /me shrugx. I curse n swear at what Doh Ngee is doing, but hell, itz his job... just that heh, that wun stop mi frm disliking him + his way of talking to ppl. I wonder why he doesn't speak to mi personally though... scared?? lolx. Coz tha previous time he spoke to mi, I did give him quite a bit of attitude. Hahahah... I'll always be Me. Shady's law states: protocol is uncessary =.=

Waz late for wrk earlier, heng Shufang agreed to change my schedule, to start at 2 instead of 12 - or I would be like 2hr late? Somehow neither mi nor pero heard the alarm ringing this morn & by tha time I woke it was slightly off 11am. I wouldn't be late if I just went to take a bath n taken a cab down but was feeling so slack that I SMSed Jian, asked him to inform Shufang, and went back to sleep. Perhaps it was the aircon, perhaps it was the bed, or perhaps it was just plain laziness or the nice feeling of someone sleeping beside mi, I have no fuckin' idea. But that was the decision I made. Went to wrk hungry & didn't get to eat till 6+... thanx to Pinky who was supposed to meet mi for break ard 4+. Eventually he had to da bao food for mi instead. Damn, was feeling kinda bad for making him come down all tha way just to buy food for mi... but uhm, it was his fault to begin with, wasn't it? lolx. I am so fuckin' evil ehx? Heyz, just coz I dun wanna get attached doesn't mean I would reject advances rite? *grinx* Got a feeling that Jian actually wanted to ask mi teach him how to play the guitar last nite, just that I had to go off to watch soccer. Heck. No way am I gonna give up anything for him anymore. The wounds ain't exactly healed but, I believe friendship is on tha cards. I just hope to stay frenx with someone I can get along that well with. Then again... anything goes. I dun really wanna harp on this too much. Leave everything to Fate. Min has a gf now too. Good for him.

Haven't been playing RO for tha past few dayz, finger itchy, will go kill some monsters while awaiting the Spain Vs Portugal match. Oh yeah, Czech Republic beat Holland 3-2 last nite!!~! That match was simply - AWESOME!!! Phew. Am glad that I started watching soccer again. Itz a beautiful game =)

Shady self-destructed @ 23:40

Heh, am blogging using pero's desktop rite now... yep, am at his place watching Latvia vs Germany... will be watching tha nxt one too if am still awake & den it'll be another f**ked up day at wrk. Sunday. The day of the day I'll hate most to wrk. *sigh* with all the families, church ppl, groupies... etc. whatz worse, tml is Father's Day, itz gonna be damn bz & I'm gonna be even more shagged than today. Was telling Nicolas earlier. Now I feel like a handfone running on an almost flat-battery all tha time. Every nite charge till 3 bars, by the time reach wrk place left 2 bars... and halfway thru wrk, will be down to 1. Ack, I wonder when will I actually collaspe. Perhaps there'll come a time when I'll just fall asleep and not wake up ever. If that really happens, I'll kinda miss the ppl I'll be leaving behind. Ah well... Jian is going off to camp for tha nxt few dayz & he's gonna borrow my guitar (Terry). He betta take good care of him. I'll miss Jian. Frankly, I dun think I would wanna step into another relationship at this point of time... even though I got this feeling that Pinky is interested in me. Initially he wants mi to go over to his place tonite. But it'll mean even less sleep. Bad idea. Aarrrghhh too lazy to blog farther.

Shady self-destructed @ 01:32

Saturday, June 19, 2004

And the scoreline for today is:

Bulgaria 0 Denmark 2
Italy 1 Sweden 1

Italy are in deep shit manx... with 2 draws on their cards. Sweden will probably get thru' with 4 pts on their side rite now & Denmark having 4 as well. Like all other groups so far, the nxt match will be the deciding factor, though the faves are alredi obvious. Den again, the ball is round. Anything can happen in a soccer match. HmZzz... so far, if I don't remember wrongly, no teams have won 2 matches in a row as yet. I wonder if tml will be any different. Since Holland n Germany played to a draw the last time, I'll wait to see if Czech Rep. manages to beat Holland. *grinx* Latvia is a gonner manx. That one I am pretty certain. Itz obvious at this stage now, who is going out. Ibrahimovic's goal earlier was a really kewl one, like the commentator mentioned, it'll be one of the "cheekiest goals in Euro 2004) =.= heh, actually thatz the only goal I managed to watch the entire of tonite. I didn't get home till approx. 4:20am, by then it was the 75th min & Italy was alredi leading 1-0. Hmx, I actually intended to catch every single match but guess itz impossible siahx.

Went to watch The Chronicles of Riddick as planned. Omg, isn't Vin Diesel absolutely GORGEOUS?! Gosh, I wonder if I'll ever get to meet a guy like him. Heh, gotta admit though, the movie ain't exactly good, the plot was too simple, but I went to watch Diesel =) And yeah, I was with Mclairs.... spent some time talking after he sent mi home. Well, according to him, he still feels a little for me, just a kinda "weird" feeling but he keeps saying that it ain't the time yet. I gotta agree. I don't really wanna be attached at this point of time. He did ask, if I'm single and avaliable. I told him, am single but not avaliable. Just sick n tired of it all. I guess, my priority now is to wonder, if I can survive this Euro 2004 season, with so little sleep I get every single nite. Also, perhaps I should start thinking about my career and put my degree to good use - as what he mentioned too. /me shrugx. I ain't the kind who likes to plan my future. Will see how things go. As for the relationship between tha both of us... will take it a step at a time to. He does show concern for mi frm the things he says and does. Ah well... mai think too much lah, Shady!!~!

Whoah, I just read this story from Kevin's blog. Something about love being acompanied by madness... interesting one. One that warms my heart. lolx. And I thought that my heart is totally frozen over. A short part = "Love is blind and is always accompanied by Madness... There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving...there are some love that don't go away...but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever." *sigh* I wonder if I'll ever meet that someone. Fuck, why am I being so soft and in need of love lately? It does feel good though, when u have someone that always cares for u, someone u can depend on, someone to just make all those lonliness go away ~~~

Shady self-destructed @ 05:09

Friday, June 18, 2004

HaiZzzz... I can't sleep. Thankfully there's Wenjie keeping mi company by chatting with me online. I didn't watch the match. I saw the goals though - stepped out of my room when I heard that a goal hath been scored. Itz Croatia 2 France 2. Gosh, I hate it when I feel this way, when I have utterly no interest in anything else. I thought that Euro 2004 will numb me, will make the feelings go away... but nooooo when the feelings come, my passion for soccer hath totally been muted. Fuck manx. Why do I feel this way? Everytime I feel this way, my self esteem will suffer. I know I can never be as sweet n submissive as Diana, I know I'll never be as bubbly or cheerful as Mel, and I definitely ain't half as "chio" as the gals out there... I have a weird temperment, I have a fucked up attitude problem, I am stubborn but I am Me. I ain't gonna change. Am I really that difficult to understand? Am I really that hard to accept? Wenjie was saying, itz just that I haven't found the right guy yet... will I ever? Life still goes on whether I'm attached or otherwise, but it just gets so lonely being alone @ times. True, I still have my family, my friends... but it just ain't the same. Friends. Friends are attached, they have their own commitments. It still boils down to me & myself at the end of tha day. *sigh* Itz 4+ in the morning and I am thinking such stuff, this is really getting outta hand. I doubt I'm gonna get much sleep tonite. I'll log off at 5am probably ba ~ anyway, earlier today, I sent an SMS to Teenpal. I wonder if my ad will be posted nxt issue & I wonder if I'll get any responses. lolx. I am too fuckin' lazy to respond to letters anyway... so I'll just see how things go, I'll prolly forget that I ever sent that SMS out nxt mth. Gosh, I wonder what got into my mind when I did that, damn Jeffrey for edging mi on =.=

Shady self-destructed @ 04:45

I am feeling muddled now. I dunno whether I should feel happy or otherwise. I just heard it from piggy, that Jian is now back together with Baohui - he overhears them on the fone. Well... itz kinda expected that he'll eventually go back to her. How can I even ever think of taking him away? I feel. I dunno how I feel now. I wish I can smoke. But I am so fuckin' lazy to go down and get a cigarette. Frankly, I am feeling kinda sad... why? I thought I have gotten over him alredi, and apparently I haven't. Fuck. u know, I keep telling myself, that if he ever patches things up with Baohui, I should be happy for him. But... but... I can't. I am selfish by nature. Jian hasn't told me anything about her either, I think thatz coz he doesn't want mi to be unhappy & perhaps thatz coz we haven't really spent time together for a long while. I guess itz betta this way. We gotta move on someday. Moving on... thatz just so difficult to do. I just wanna get the fuck outta that place, not see him ever again. Perhaps den it'll be much easier to move on. The past are nothing but memories now. But why... why am I feeling the way I am rite now?

Shady self-destructed @ 03:46

*grinx* GO ENGLAND!!~! 3-0 with 2 goals frm Rooney & 1 from Gerrard. Heh, to be frank, I only managed to watch 1 goal. Fell asleep during halftime, asked my bro to wake mi up but he didn't -.-" What a turd. And he still hath tha cheek to ask mi what the scoreline is when I just woke up. Heh Rooney is one helluva player manx. To think that he's like just 18? Gee, no wonder so many ppl touted him as being tha nxt Michael Owen. I wonder how it feels like playing for ur country @ such a tender age. Especially playing in huge international tournaments as such. Group A is the interesting one to watch though, with Greece managing to play Spain into a draw last nite. As Greece's nxt match is against Russia, they have a very high chance of getting into the quarter finals... especially as Portugal needs to draw Spain & hopes that Greece loses bad to Russia or Portugal needs to BEAT Spain while Greece loses bad to Russia - in order for Spain & Portugal to both proceed. /gg sounding kinda complex ehz? Perhaps my "theories" might be wrong but till proven so, will maintain that they're right. Heehee. The Croatia v France match is going on rite now, but I get the feeling that I'll prolly fall asleep if I watch it. Arrgghhh heck lah, I'll just go take a bath & go to sleep after. Another long day ahead tml.

Speaking about tml, I asked Mclairs to go watch a movie with mi - The Chronicles of Riddick (I wonder if thatz the correct title) but I'm pretty hesistant to book tha tix online coz I am unsure if he will dua mi in the end lohx. He's like so full of "maybes" that I'm quite skeptical. To think that this is from someone who supposedly "likes" mi. lolx. Blahx, apparently he was just flirting ard. Heng ahx, I didn't fall for him or something. u can say that I asked him coz I didn't have anyone betta to ask ba ~ /me shrugx. I do wanna watch that movie!~! Heh, will prolly leave him an SMS for confirmation and den book the tix tml when he asks again. Damn... gotta start watching my mthly budget. Am splurging too much on going out, food & material possessions. Am eyeing this flash card for the GBA. According to Mclairs itz like $299 for a 512mb one. That card will allow mi to download GBA roms into the card & play it on my GBA. I guess... it'll be a good investment in tha long run, considering one game costs ard $65. I hope that roms work properly though. Ah well, still too early to think about that, still gotta wait till mth end for pay =)

OMFG!!~! My suspicions are confirmed. Piggy doth like Diana. Gosh... heyz, if I'm a guy I'll probably fall for Diana too. She's tha kinda girl who's sweet, vulnerable & in need of a guy's protection. At least thatz the image she portrays (though with her dressing style @ times, I kinda doubt that she's as innocent as she wants us to think she is) at wrk. Well... I got tha feeling that he's interested in Diana coz he keeps wanting to "protect" her & he waits for her when she goes to change, etc. Heh, and piggy is attached. Perhaps now he'll finally understand how it feels... being attached and yet developing feelings for another person. He didn't understand how it was when the crap between mi, Min & Jian happened. Now perhaps he does... and he'll know, as he falls further, that emotions are not something easily controlled or ignored. HmX... and I heard that she'll be leaving SR soon, this mth probably. Good. Heh. I don't like tha way how she's like "scared" of me all tha time. Am I really that intimidating? She's ahhhh... I dunno how to describe lahx, too soft & it tends to get irritating the way she looks at me with fear in her eyes. Blehx. Evil scary ShaDy. lolx, what to do? I ain't as sweet & "conservative" as Diana is. She'll make an interesting subject though... a possibility of split personality and the leading of double lives. Den again... it might just be mi being overly suspicous. Ah well, itz really none of my fuckin' business anyway /me grinx evily.

Just sent out my resume last nite for some health screening job. As Shufang mentioned, that job should be pretty "easy" but I doubt that kinda stuff can be done for long term. I wonder what the job scope is like, and what the working hours are. I sent over a super brief resume siahx... can't find the one I saved in the PC (or rather, burnt into some CD during the previous reformat). Hopefully I'll get a response siahx. I wanna leave Secret Recipe ASAP. pronto. Basically am sick n tired of wrking there and I just wanna end this chapter of my life soon. Though looking at the state things are now, with soccer, gaming & all that... I'll prolly not seriously look for a job till after Euro 2004. I wouldn't wanna go to wrk stonned daily - especially with a new job. A good impression is pretty important manx. Gahhhhhh I am so lazy to go write another resume (forgotten all my job experiences thingy), send them out & appear for interviews siahx. Was late for wrk again earlier. Darn... I hope I manage to wake up tml in time. Full-shift. F**k. I shall go take a bath after I speak to piggy for a while more & watch the match till I concuss in the hall. Jya.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:08

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Results of Matches that took place since tha last time I blogged:

Sweden 5 Bulgaria 0 - damn, was so tired that nite that I fell asleep ard the 15th min!!~! And I woke up with my glasses kinda crushed beneath mi... gosh =.=

Czech Republic 2 Latvia 1 - surprise surprise!! Latvia actually scored 1st!!~! I didn't watch the match actually, can't exactly remember what I was doing, but if I ain't wrong, Pinky was at my place that nite... I should be playing GBA.

Germany 1 Netherlands 1 - yeah I watched this one!!~! Go van Nistelrooy!! :D

Greece 1 Spain 1 - was on tha way to meet Pinky, missed half of this one =(

Russia 0 Portugal 2 - was nodding asleep siahx, but persevered. Kewl game.

lolx, am I starting to sound like an online Euro 2004 results update? *grinx* I had actually intended to blog stuff but I wasn't able to the past 2 nitez coz I went over to bunk @ Pinky's place. Supposedly he wants mi to accompany him watch soccer, but I am starting to wonder if he even watches soccer in tha 1st place. He actually asked mi which team was Germany and watch was Holland *faintx* And last nite, he fell asleep midway thru Greece n Spain and didn't wake up for the Russia v Portugal one. Darn, I should have stayed at home to watch instead. Heh, he has a kewl dog (Galgal) though... I think she kinda likes me coz she tends to cuddle up to mi at times =) HmX, jem says Pinky prolly likes me as well. Err... I think so too, if not, he wouldn't SMS me nightly from camp or ask mi to accompany him at home. I mean... who tha hell invites someone over to stay for 2 damn nights w/o a real reason? Soccer is just an excuse manx. I could have easily watched it at home & besides, he doesn't watch -.-"

But it doesn't really matter I guess. Am not ready to step into yet another relationship after 2 that ended so quickly not too long ago. I still think of Jian occasinally but it ain't that bad anymore. Even when I see him at wrk, I can put those feelings I used to have aside. Yeah I still cherish the memories & I'm kinda sad that the bond between us hath been broken... but ah well, no point being too shattered over it. /me shrugx. Once again tha Archangel hath spread his/her wings and risen from the ashes of despair. Am feeling quite good about myself lately. The piercing is gradually healing - at least it ain't bleeding every night (lolx, this might be too early to say). It feels good enuff to move the stud up and down & I slept on it the previous 2 nites... heng ahx, no dmg done. Oh yeah, and I got a haircut. My hair just barely brushes the shoulder now. I kinda miss that ponytail of mine though *grinx* Ahhh well, itz just hair, hair will grow again. I think I look more girly with this new hairstyle though. Wonder why is this always the case. I look like a boy with long hair but I look like a gal with short. Contradicting nature = contradicting appearances?? lolx. Well, my colleagues say I look cute and younger... more "alive", so perhaps it ain't too bad afterall. Pity that I didn't get the chance to dye it. Should I do it black? hahaha den I'll look so fuckin' innocent that I wun even recognise myself!!~! Red is an idea =.-

Ehhhhhhh!!~! I think the England match start le... as usual, type till I forgot the time. Blog again later - if I don't die frm exhaustion or something.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:11

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

15th June 2004
0252 hrs, PC Time

GAH!!! Was hoping to charge my GBA batt when I got home but realised that I was given the wrong cable!!~! Thatz some weird charger that wouldn't fit into my GBA!! As a result, I couldn't play as much as I hoped to tonite & I suppose I might not be able to game with bunnie tml as well *sigh* Will have to go down all tha way to Tampines to change the charger. Will prolly give them a call b4 I go, just in case of wasting time. Plan for tml is go down late morning/early noon to SIM, get my letter of completion, the meet pero at FEP to go get a haircut, go down Tampines in the evening to change my cable and then meet bunnie at nite. Will get the charge my GBA tml den. For now, I can't play ANYTHING!!~! My PC just fucked up for me. The modem is connected, my connection is done but I just can't seem to do anything online!!~! Thatz why am blogging into my WordPad instead. Gosh. This will drive me mad. There's a match on rite now but am too frustrated to go watch it. *sulks* Why does everything like to screw up at the same time? Why is my connection always fucking up now and then? Just when I created an archer on iRO earlier.

I had to let `BlackRose` (my forging smith) go. She's so under-played. Am gonna replace her with a dancer - Kalika Bellone. I daresay I felt a slight heartache when I deleted her /sob took a few final screenshots of her. Now that she's gone, I'll nvr see her again. And to think that it took so fuckin' long to get her till lvl 61. She's the highest character & only 2nd class character I have in tha game so far. Goddamnit, I do get attached to things very easily. I can still remember the times when pero & jem were tanking her for me... and den the botting... heh, I have more memories with my smith on mRO though - Kaida Zen. lolx. That one was funny. I can still remember making a plain blade. No slots, no element. Just a plain Kaida Zen's blade. Hahahaha pero's reaction was so funnie. Yeah, I'll kinda miss my mRO characters too. It was on mRO that we went to the mids for Minorous hunting. Ahahahaha, that was one hell of a night at Parklane's LAN shop. Damn, I hope my PC will get back online soon and that I'll manage to turn Kalika into a dancer soon.

Denmark just held Italy to a 0-0 draw earlier. According to pero, it was a good match. I didn't watch it coz SD was helping mi tank my archer. *shrugx* I just hope tha nxt match will be good, or I'll just fall asleep on tha mattress. Come to think of it, should have kicked-off as I was typing. Ah well, I dun really care. Am more bothered about my PC & GBA. There goes my off-day tml... an extra errand, to Tampines somemore. GAH!!

Work was betta than expected today. I didn't feel too left out. Den again, I hardly even spoke as much as I used to, when I am more awake. I dunno if itz coz I'm tired or if itz coz both Min & Jian are wrking. Bought a doughnut for them, and they were asking if I want them to fight over it. DUhhh, it ain't my fault that there's only ONE doughnut left!!~! Darn, I have still yet to forget about Jian. He still lingers in my mind, though I daresay the nagging feeling is gone when I see him. Occasionally though, I still think of how once I get to hug him, hold his hand... etc. how he was once, my dear. I miss those times. Damn those memories. I gotta learn to forget. Totally.

The PC betta wrk tomorrow ~

======== A few minuteZ later =========

Well, I just HAD to give it one more try and here I am online again!!~!

Shady self-destructed @ 03:07

Monday, June 14, 2004

Duhhhhhhhhhhh... that'll be the reaction for anyone who's supporting England siahx. Gosh, I am like supposed to go directly to sleep but I can't resist blogging. Blog while the brain is still trying to make sense of what just happened the last few min - during injury time. It was a wonderful free kick by Zidane. Gosh. James didn't even see it coming!!~! That brought France level with England, only for James to make an out-of-point tackle, conceeding a penalty. Final result, France 2 England 1. Despite England leading all tha way. /swt It was pretty fucked up manx. I did nod off halfway during the 2nd half... in fact itz during tha 1st 10min of tha 2nd half. My eyes just couldn't stay open despite trying very very hard. After a few min of slumber, Kevin woke mi up only to see Beckham take a penalty, kicking the ball direct into... Barthez. OMFG. "fucked up", said pero. I agree manx. Itz a stunner. But can't deny that Zidane's free kick was one hellova goal. Damn, England betta win the following matches. The 00:00hrs match was a boring one. If only that was switched with tha France v England match - I would have turned the TV off and went to sleep... Kevin would have drove home halfway. According to him, it was "ugly football". lolx. Nice way of putting it manx. Ultimate sianZation. Uhmmm I suddenly feel pretty awake. This is bad. Will go ahead and lie down anyway, with the GBA in my hands. Perhaps catch a pokemon or 2. oyasuminasai. A fucked up Monday lies ahead of me.

Shady self-destructed @ 05:04

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Yeah!!~! I got my p-chan back frm SD awhile ago. Was in the midst of discussion regarding my forge smith `BlackRose` but I had to pause the conversation for a little... chatted with Pinky on tha fone for a while instead. Heh, am feeling kinda guilty, I made him wait for mi ard 45 min earlier, when I was talking to auranoir online instead. But what to do? I kinda miss auranoir - itz been almost half a year since he left for Aussie & I haven't spoken to him since b4 he left. He's returning at the end of this year, I wonder how much would have changed. I really HAVE to meet up with him when he returnx manx. Ain't gonna let friendships just fade away, especially since itz been so long since I 1st new him. *going down memory lane* 1st spoke to him on mIRC & his name was what? Dopehat or twinkybar if I ain't wrong... den it became InFlames and finally auranoir. 1st time I met him was outside Tower Records @ Orchard, that was when I was still in poly siahx. When was it exactly, have no fuckin' idea liaox. lolx... hung out for a bit, lost touch for a bit, then got back in touch again & occasionally will speak on ICQ or mIRC. Best times was when he was wrking at Henry's Bar @ Esplanade. He'll just meet mi for supper some nights, or I'll just follow him home & bunk over at his place... watching anime or stuff he downloaded. Loads of shit he has /gg Am now speaking to him on mIRC once again *grinx* I hope to see him soon =)

Today was pretty uneventful except that I FINALLY GOT MY GBA and am playing Pokemon Ruby!!~! heh... I hope to advance far enuff in tha game, Tues gonna trade pokemon with bunnie :D Then again, there's still my iRO to play. Yeah... am finally back into gamer mode. The ever-seh, ever-stonned, ever-sleepy Shady of ol' times is returning. Not forgetting Euro season ehx? Am looking forward to tha France vs England match later. 2:45am. I hope I don't concuss or something b4 that. Should I take a nap now or what? Heh... Kevin should be coming over soon. Ah well... will just bring my GBA with mi onto tha mattress and play till I fall asleep or something =.= I suppose I'll just dump TSO totally. That game is so pointless and not to mention, utterly boring. It'll be much betta if I didn't take such a long time to connect. DOH!!~!

*grinx* Am starting to enjoy my time with Pinky. Though there were moments when we both had nothing to say, on tha overall, I should say, the "date" went on pretty fine. I hope he wasn't too bored since I had friends around, except when was at his place. I met up with fishoff (an IRC friend) today as well - when I found out that he actually wrks at Raffles Hotel. Pinky says that he misses me. I have this inkling feeling that he does like me to a certain extent but this time, am not gonna do anything about it. I can't say that I miss him = I still miss someone else, but I won't deny that he lingers in my mind at times. Guess I did tha rite thing in giving him my contact num. the other day. HmX... even if things don't wrk out, at least I'll know another person!!~! Itz all about Fate I suppose. Especially according to him, that he just completed his confinements and the day he met mi was of one of his block leave. I hope he'll ask mi out again sometime. I hope to see Ben sometime again soon too. Duhhh my CDs are with him, I'd betta see him again!!~! He doesn't SMS mi anymore after that nite, I wonder y. Ah well... can't be bothered to think too much or think unfavorably about myself. I know how I look and I daresay I look good enuff =P

But speaking of Fate, itz Fate that brought mi to Tampines for my GBA today and it was Fate that allowed mi to meet a friend frm NP. Hayah & her bf Azmi. Gosh, itz been more than a year since I last saw them... occasionally I do wonder what they're doing rite now and heyz, finally I got to see them!!~! I hope to be able to actually meet up with them and go out someday. They haven't changed much apparently... and they are still together. So sweet =) perhaps someday my turn will come. I'll find someone who treasures mi, that I love... and we'll be together till eternity. GAH!!! Stupid thing to hope for. I'd rather hope that I'll find someone to let mi leech my smith on iRO. I just can't del her off, after all we've "been thru" together. I think pero will feel a twinge of sadness too if I just erase her - after all those nights of leeching from his bots. *grinx* Think I shall go GBA for a bit.

Shady self-destructed @ 23:02

After approx. 5 hrs of sleep. I awaken to the sounds of my alarm set. Am supposed to meet Pinky. Plans, unknown. Gosh, he's on tha cab now & I'm really supposed to go get ready but I just felt like blogging. Blog what I failed to blog tha previous nite. Yesh, my brother brought his girlfriend home last nite. lolx. YEAH, u read it right, my bro finally got a gf =) Finally itz not those bunch of rowdy guys coming over to my place on weekends. They are... entertaining, but I must say they disrupt my peace & solitude. Nvr got her name but she looks pretty sweet. *grinx* Damn, even my bro got a gal and I am single. Heh, anyway I had this dream last nite. A dream when a girl writes a letter to a guy, saying that she misses how things used to be. I was the one reading the letter, somehow I managed to obtain it. I cried in the dream when I read it. I didn't cry when I wake up though I must say, I woke up with a real heavy heart. The dream brings memories of Jian back & it reminds mi on how much I would want things back the way it was before. *shrugx* Move on I must, and move on I will. But memories, memories always linger. I still like him alot.

Shady self-destructed @ 14:12

OMFG!!~! I knew it!!~! Portugal was gonna lose and they did!!! Ahahahaha, they went down 1-2 to Greece manx. This is so France 98. Heh, remember France going down to Senegal on tha opening match? Gosh that was quite a shocker. Darn, should have bet on Greece instead of Portugal... should have went with instinct instead of listened to Colin =.= Oh yeah, and Spain won, 1-0. Am looking forward to tha match tonite manx. Itz France vs England!!~! I wonder who will be partnering Owen upfront. Itz prolly gonna be Rooney heh. Ronaldo scored for Portugal. Go wormboy!!~! *grinx* I daresay I wasn't paying full attention to both matches though. Initial plan was to watch at Mike's, but found out the matches weren't telecast there... den we shifted to the coffee shop across my block & apparently the match wasn't on there as well. DOH!!~! Ended up everyone cramped at my place (jem left early), and I had to dao bao my dinner back to eat in front of tha tv. After tha 1st game, Noods left and Mclairs joined us. Den it was chilling out at the void deck - or rather, making noise - till morning. *yawnz* Am feeling pretty sleepy now... I reactivated my iRO account. Never knew that I missed that game so much. lolx, I wonder how long it'll take mi to get sick of it this time =) I tire of things ez, too ez. Zzz... pero is still thinking of Mel. My feelings for Jian are fading gradually liaox. I still miss him, I still think of it, but am starting to no longer give a fuck about what he feels or thinks anymore. Even when my hp beeps, I don't even expect that itz him liaox. Heh... should be meeting Pinky later. He's supposed to call mi when he wakes. *shrugx* GBA tonite!! Woot!! For now, rest.

Shady self-destructed @ 08:40

Saturday, June 12, 2004

Failed to logon to TSO yet again *sigh* Think my time with TSO is over manx... gonna lend bunnie the installation disc tml & let her use up all tha credits. Initial plan was to reactivate my iRO account last nite but coz Ben bunked over at my place, I didn't do so. Will do so while waiting for Euro 2004 on Mon or something. Definitely NOT tonite coz I gonna be out. Oh yeah, I can't wait for tha matches to start!!~! HmZzz... am now just waiting for time to tick away - I hope Pinky can book out soon, meeting him for lunch. That betta not cause me to be late for wrk siahx. Itz 5 dayz in a row late liaox and today will be tha 6th if I punch in late too -.-" Colin's so gonna get my head for this, especially after I told him I'll try not to be late anymore this mth. Awrite, Pinky just called... he's still in camp, unable to book out. Damn, am gonna go get some food to eat liaox. No way am I gonna go wrk hungry.

Gotta plan my time well tml manx, or everything's gonna screw up. Morning - meet Wenjie (if he wakes up) go gym, Noon - meet Pinky dunno do what, Evening - meet bunnie & tuttle to go buy GBA, Night - reactivate iRO account & watch soccer. *nod nod* Sounds good ehz? Obviously I'll try find time to blog somewhere down tha road.

As for how my "blind date" went, well, pretty uneventful. Itz just for a movie, then a little bit of sitting ard and toking rubbish, then he came over to my place, watched 4 episodes of SDK b4 he konked - and remained konked till Gundam Seed was on TV. b4 he left, he borrowed my entire series of SDK... which means, prolly I'll get to see him again in future. I'd betta!! I want those discs back!!~! Coz I have no idea how much longer my Xiao Jian's gonna survive, a reformat seems looming nearer with each passing day. Oh yeah, as expected, I have no recollection on who Ben is, how I met him and where I met him. He said Club VII but errr... I can't remember. I recognised him by his white tee n blue jeans. I won't exactly say that we clicked, but I suppose, can get along to a certain extent ba. Ah well... anything to keep Jian outta my mind.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:47

omfg!! This is B-A-D!!~! Woke up and spent the last 15min cleaning crusted blood off my eyebrow. My gosh, thatz like alot of blood, the entire area around the piercing - both top n bottom - was totally black (with blood)and there were streaks of blood ard the eye area. Am really keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn't get infected and that I don't go blind. Hopefully the blood is the result of me sleeping on that side of the face. Don't ask me why I'm sleeping on tha right side... apparently I flipped over during my slumber. Gosh... I am such a restless sleeper. Doesn't help that there's someone sharing my bed last nite though *grinx* Awrite don't get it wrong!! Just sleeping, aye? He's still snoozing though. Little pig.

Am watching pokemon now. There's this other trainer replacing Misty, gosh, am gonna miss her. HmX this is about the Hoenn region. Much more new pokemon to see & new teams to defeat, according to pokemon Ruby & Sapphire. Apparently bunnie bought Sapphire and I gotta get Ruby. Am gonna go get my GBA SP tml, I can't wait !!~! I hope my bro manages to borrow some games frm his friends - itz damn xiong if I buy them all. Heh I'll remain some of them for my emulator though, like Monster Rancher *grinx* I can't possibly afford to buy them all!!~! Though I will try to catch 'em all in pokemon!! WOOT!! Well.. for tml to come, gotta endure a day of work... pffffffffttttttttttt

Shady self-destructed @ 10:36

Friday, June 11, 2004

Itz been a good day so far. Heh, called in sick for work instead. No MC but I'll be applying for unpaid leave. Cannot take it lah, wrking these kinda hours and going out the rate I do. Need sometime alone @ home to regain my sanity. I gotta quit manx. I gotta get a new job and leave. I am starting to hate going to wrk - thatz a warning sign that itz time I moved on. Min actually SMSed me and asked me to take care. Zzz... just what is he trying to do rite now? Dun give a fuck liaox. As for Jian, nvr even got a single SMS or anything frm him. *shrugx* He's still on my mind, but I dun wanna give a fuck about him anymore. Now am gonna go down to PS to watch "The Punisher". Heh heh, 9+ show. I wonder how am I supposed to recognise Ben. Gosh, he's prolly someone I knew frm the past but I really have no f**king idea who the fuck he is. Pah!!~! This is starting to feel like a blind date or something. Ah well, earlier this noon, I borrowed pero's account and RO-ed for a bit. Gosh, I can still remeber the shortcuts and all!!~! lolx, I should reactivate my account tonite - if I get home early enuff. Managed to logon to TSO earlier too. Woot!!~!

Shady self-destructed @ 20:20

Oops!!~! Am late. Will prolly end up late for wrk at this rate too. Am supposed to meet Weide @ 10am, Novena MRT but I woke up at 9:44am. Whatz worse, I am now blogging instead of rushing to get ready etc. Darn. If I meet him late, I'll prolly get to the Police Academy late & I'll end up late for wrk. Ah well, I think I can always call Colin, tell him there's a delay and go dwn to wrk at 1pm instead. No point rushing too much since I dun really wanna wrk there anymore. Lost all interest. Today's worse coz it'll be Shufang wrking. Gosh, things always end up in a mess with her in-charge. She's not that bad a person, but sad to say, she's a klutz lohx. A super blur one too. Conversations with her are o-k-a-y but at times my patience doth run thin coz she's just simply too different frm mi. Too close-minded, too rigid, too... innocent? *shrugx* To each his/her own manx. Nothing personal against her. Just that itz a pain working with her. There's gonna be Min & Jian today as well - ah fuck. One gives me heartache, one provides mi with immense irritation. Lethal combination manx. HmzZz... or should I just take an MC and not go? Since I DO have a sore throat and blocked nose anyway. Just that am pretty unwilling to spend $$ at the doc. Itz a pity that there is no polyclinic nearby... private docs are very expensive to go to - itz like $20 per visit & I don't get medical claim till I'm confirmed, so there's not much of a point. Ah well... will prolly drag myself to wrk yet again. Time to go get ready.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:08

/me looks at the clock. This must be the earliest I've reached home (and intending to stay home) for the past few dayz. All this consecutive dayz of lack-of-sleep is taking itz toll on me & I feel like collasping dead rite now. Heh, think I made the rite choice of not following my SR colleagues to Marina South. Wouldn't be able to hold a fucking cue stick at this rate of zoning out. Just met them for supper. Gosh, itz been a super long time since I've seen some of them. I'll miss them when I leave. Hopefully itz still possible to stay in contact even after I leave SR for good. No doubt that they'll still be just 8-digits away. But in time, friendships do fade away. I had wanted to go down to MS with them, but, not this time.

Still gotta wake up early tml to go to tha Police Academy to sign some stuff for Weide - coz he's signing on. Den I should be meeting Ben after wrk tml... hopefully for a movie or something. Dun want things to be too awkward. Frankly, I can't remember who Ben is. He just SMSed mi suddenly one fine day and claims that he knew mi from Mohd Sultan, Club VII. I've been to Club VII only ONCE. Hmx... he seems to describe me quite well so I suppose he does know who I am... just that I don't have any freaking impression of him watsoever. I wonder how am I supposed to meet him tml & why has he been asking mi out so desperately for tha past few weeks. Sat itz Euro 2004!!!~! Woot !!~! Am gonna go meet bunnie & get my GBA on Sunday. Heh... am gonna reactiave my RO account soon too. Gee, at this rate I'll end up with like 1hr sleep per day?? lolx. I ain't gonna sleep directly after I blog, will prolly read a little Forgotten Realms b4 that... or should I be reading up on Euro 2004 instead? So many things to do... so little time. When I'm bored, I'm totally bored... when am busy, am totally busy. I alredi have my off dayz planned ahead of me. Nxt Tues it'll be down to SIM to collect my completion letter, then I'll meet bunnie to play GBA together =) I look forward to that. Oh yeah, Sun am supposed to go to tha gym with Wenjie too, b4 I meet bunnie. I hope he doesn't dua. I need a fuckin workout on top of sleep. Heh, am losing my bod.

Gosh... today Jian mentioned to Jeffery, while we were fooling ard, that he doesn't treat me as a gal. Somehow that comment stuck a pin in my heart manx. *sigh* But relak manx... itz all over now. OVER. Never to return. HaizZz... I wonder if we'll get tha chance to go out together again. Just me & him. Well, I suppose I've gotta keep myself so busy that I wun think about it. Darn. He promised to keep mi company during Euro 2004 too. pfffffftttttttt think I'll be betta off watching tha matches alone at home when I can't find kakis to hang out with. Too much contact with him just hurts more. Saw Min today as well, even though he's off. He came down to look for Jian. I still wonder whatz going on between them. But fuck it manx, none of my business anymore. Soon... soon it'll all be over.

Listen to Eamon's (Fuck it) I don't want you back. Nice lyrics.

Itz poetry time once again. I wrote this the previous day actually, at work as usual - while I am thinking of Jian, but I forgot to bring tha paper home. lolx. Damn, at least one good thing is coming out of this broken heart. Writings.

-= Untitled =-

I tried to forget you but I can't
I tried not to bother but I failed
I tried to treat you as just a friend
But I miss you all the time
I think about you every now and then

Why do the images of the past haunt me
Why do the wounds ache when I look at you
Why do I keep telling myself nothing matters
When obviously you mean so much to me
Why do you not seem to feel the same

I wish that you are still mine
I wish that I'd never let you leave
I wish that things are how it used to be
But its just not meant to happen
I wish that time hath frozen that very night

My heart just bleeds when I think of you
My mind yells at me when I sleep
My soul hurts as I try to hold on
Hold on to Hope nonexistent
My despair in reality is hard to bear

How can you just take it so lightly
How can you just walk away from it all
How can you forget the times we shared
Teach me, my dear, so I too may forget
How can you even bear to live this way

I wonder if you ever meant the words you say
I wonder if you ever did love me
I wonder how you are feeling now
Are you hurting as much as I do
I wonder if I am still in your mind these dayz

Shady self-destructed @ 00:56

Thursday, June 10, 2004

I seem to blog too much & for too long at a time. *shudderz* I am starting to become a no-lifer who's best friend is tha PC. But hmx, as I mentioned to da ge earlier, while taking a walk after clubbing, itz easier to let go of thoughts while blogging. Things are always clearer when written about & feelings are so much more easily expressed. Makes mi kinda wish that I've always kept a diary. It'll be nice to read back on all these stuff say, 5yrs down the road? To remember the ppl u used to know, to remember the times u used to have together, to remember all those heartache & happy times that once took place. I wonder where I'll be 5 years from now. What will I be wrking as, will I be riding my SP, who will I be hanging out with... will I even be alive? Still alone? Getting in more crap I can handle like I am now? Good questions huh? Questions that yet again, cannot be answered rite now.

My time at SR is more or less running out. Heard frm Shufang today that SinSin ain't intending to ever give mi a confirmation letter. Wadever manx. She prolly hates mi coz I refuse to suck up to her. If she wants suckers, she ain't gonna find one in me siahx. HmX the feeling is mutual too - I dun like her, never did since she gave mi that fake smile 1st time I met her. pfffffttttttt!!~! As I was saying, my Fate with tha company is drawing to a close. I HAVE to leave. My results were out last nite. I graduated. On Tues, will prolly make a trip down to SIM to collect my stuff, inc. of tha letter of completion. Official graduation ceremony should be in August. Once again, am facing the question of what should I do now? Defintely I'll keep a lookout for a betta job - but I dun think I'll start wrk till after Euro 2004. Wouldn't wanna turn up tha 1st few weeks @ a new wrk place stonned. That'll just leave a bad impression. And since this time itz my career I'm talking about, I shouldn't really be messing ard anymore. There goes my freedom. Say goodbye to tha carefree lifestyle I am leading now and embrace tha corporate world. GAH!! I really hope I dun end up similar to those ppl I detest now someday - those stupid OLs. Brainless, bitchy & totally ugly. I would still wanna maintain my looks... whatever I have. lolx. Heyz, my self-esteem ain't that low k? I am still attractive to a certain extent =)

Zouk was good today - just a tad too crowded. The music was good though. Would have prefered to stay at tha dance floor but it was just too packed to dance properly. Heh, I daresay I'm losing my touch with retro music... since tha past few times itz either been R&B or techno when I go clubbing. I didn't enjoy myself till 100% I gotta admit... coz there were just too many times that thoughts of Jian kept creeping into my head. Not even dancing shakes it off. But anyway, like I SMSed pero earlier, there's nothing much we can do except learn to let go and forget in time. HaizZz... I feel kinda sorry for pero too, coz I know exactly how he feels & that feeling sux big time. Friends can keep me company, but the feeling is different with a bf. Am just way too lonely I suppose. And it gets worse when ppl around u get attached. But I shouldn't be too hasty in looking for another partner. No more jumping into relationships I guess. This time I'll be a lil more laid back and see how things go. Itz all up to Fate again. Damn I curse Fate for taking ppl who mean so much to me, away from me. Fate allowed us to meet, yet Destiny deems that we must part. GAH!! Anyway, I look forward to returning to Music Underground. Wenjie is entering tha army soon. Less one clubbing buddy.... shucks. I wonder if we'll still keep in contact for those 2yrs.

Am having KFC's whipped potato rite now, as a kinda midnite snack. Darn, I should really start wrking out. Agreed to go to tha gym with Wenjie this Sunday - I wonder if I'll manage to carry those plans out... coz am supposed to meet bunnie on tha same day to get my GBA (she bought pokemon sapphire) & I need rest too. Euro kicks off in another 3 dayz time. woohoo!!~@ I really can't wait :D

Shady self-destructed @ 04:16

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Washing my hair was a torture... lolx, and washing tha face was worse. I wonder, how am I gonna go for a facial in tha near future. Think the sec that fella touch my face, and happens to stretch tha skin near the piercing I'll just die. Ahahaha, but heyz I kinda like how it looks =) Going to zouk liaox.

Shady self-destructed @ 21:53

I did it. I pierced my eyebrow. Am now feeling damn good about it. *grinx* Yeah no doubt it hurtz but heyz, pain is only temporary... like I always say =) The emotional pain returned once again, Jian was off today & I missed him like hell. Gosh. I am going nutz sooner or later. I just hope that "ShaDy" would just go to sleep and allow "Archangel" to take over more often. Well, decided to blog for a bit b4 I go take a shower, change my clothes and head for mambo nite!!~! Been such a long time since I went down to Zouk and I miss tha place. Hopefully on tha dance floor I'll forget all about Jian for tha momment - though I doubt it'll happen. Manx... why do I love him so? Why do I miss him so much even though I hardly knew him? I feel like kicking myself. lolx, instead i chose self-multiation. Oh yeah, the piercer - Jackson - he's damn cute siahx. Not cute as in good-looking but he's kewl with an attitude & I like tha way he talks ;P Arrgghhh I should stop targetting every guy I meet siah. He'll prolly not even recognise mi when I return in a mth to get the piercing checked upon. Heh I just hope my parents wun make a big fuss outta it when they see it sooner or later. Gah... betta cover it with my hair while I walk to tha bathroom now. Arch out.

Shady self-destructed @ 21:34

*yawnz* Oh gosh I overslept =( I did tell Colin that I wun be late anymore for this mth, but this is tha 4th day that I will be late - a super late one, at that. Am wrking at 10am, guess I'll be like 45min late? /me shrugx. Ain't too interested in going to wrk anyway. Itz a rainy day siahx. Oh yeah, itz Wed. The day when I am supposed to carry out one of tha "feel good" plans. A tattoo is out, coz of tha sunburn. Prolly the body piercing then ~.~ Eyebrow this time. Gosh, I suddenly feel like chickening out siahx. Imagine the inconvinience of an eyebrow piercing. Besides... the navel one still hurtz now and then. Eyebrow one means I gotta be careful while washing my face & sleeping. lolx. I wonder if I'll have tha guts to do it ltr. Get a swig of alcohol b4 I do it... nahhhhh wanna be fully awake for tha pain. This is for you, Jian. Itz to forget u. Damn, he didn't wake mi earlier @#(%$*^$*~ And IE is screwed this morning. I still feel like sleeping =( HmzZz, am supposed to go Zouk later tonite, will suffer like hell tml siah, wrking 10-10pm. Gah!!! I do torture myself.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:02

Archangel & ShaDy had a slight arguement during work earlier - after a disagreemetn with Alex got me so pissed that I couldn't really think straight. I told him about what took place between mi & Min the other nite, the SMSes. He told mi that I was getting agitated and that I should stop doing so. *sigh* He's a nice guy, but at times I wish he would not tell mi what to do & what not to do so much. Itz always... Shady don't do this, Shady don't do that, Shady shouldn't be doing this... etc. Fuck manx, am I not even supposed to feel when I feel? Fuck it. I've forgiven him, but it doesn't mean that I'll forget what he said. I don't hate him though, I just wish that he'll spare a thought for mi & consider how I feel b4 dishing out his point of view. It just seems that he thinks of everyone but me. Gosh. But he's been quite a help for tha past few weeks... a friend nontheless. Here goes... when I wrote this, I felt insane.

ShaDy: Watch it Kiddo, relax. The anger is boiling over & considerable dmg will be done if you let that happen. Remember the time when you lost control?
Archangel: ......
ShaDy: I understand you rage. He did speak outta turn but he meant well.
Archangel: ......
ShaDy: Forgive & forget. No point holding grudges coz it only serves to make you feel bad. Anger just... ain't worth it. Let it go.
Archangel: Look, ShaDy. You are just way too soft. That's your downfall... that's why you always get hurt. That's why you cry too much and that's why I never left you alone. You feel too much for others and you bear the weight of too many things in the world. That's why you are never happy for long. If there's any letting go to be done, it should be done by you. Let go of the emotions that make you weak. get rid of everyone that stands in your way. Get rid of ppl who make you feel lousy. Censor your life.
ShaDy: I've done that once, listened to you, let you take over. Where did that lead me? On a lonely path of self destruction.
Archangel: There he goes again... with all those sarcastic remarks. Just quit talking to him. Its much betta 4 ur heart. Take a rest ShaDy, don't allow yourself to be broken once again. You will snap at this rate.

-= The End =-

There should actually be more, but after that it got busy and I nvr had tha chane to write again till after closing. By then, all that I felt at that point of time hath erroded so I scraped the idea. I am going mad, talking to myself like that.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:35

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

+ A r c h i v e s +

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+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

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