Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Saturday, May 29, 2004

pffffftttt I am soooo HUNGRY but itz almost 5am, I have to wrk tml, so I think I'd betta go to sleep instead. Soon. After I finish blogging. Regret not getting something to munch on in tha cinema. Yeppers, had a "date" with Mclairs earlier. Went to watch "The Day After Tomorrow". Gosh, I have yet to pay him for tha ticket!!~! Heh, I think he's interested in me as well. Tha' stuff he does. He's cute. He's a damn nice person to be with & frankly, if my heart don't belong to anyone rite now, I would have taken his hand earlier & see how things went. Yeah... thatz just me. I'm like always getting a liking for someone that easily. Guess I am just too soft-hearted. Attraction. I wonder what makes me attracted to someone. I guess, itz the "clicking" that takes place. Heh... I can still remember though, tha' 1st time I got to know Mclairs at Poolitix. It was then I had this thought that I want to get to knoe him betta. Aaarrgghhh... maybe if I did at that time, things would be different now. But ah well, everything happens for a reason. Itz Fate I guess :)

After the movie, I met my dear at my void deck. Yep yep, I finally get to call him "dear" officially today. It was at wrk... after the trading of some notes like we always did b4. Something in me just decided to let him know how I feel. I guess itz coz I've always been wondering if he feels tha same. Apparently he does, and seems like we're officially together now. ~* happy *~ I don't deny that I do have my doubts. He's gonna enter ITE in July & he hath yet to finish his NS. Also, there's this 5 year age gap... plus lack of common interests. Aaaahhhhhhh I dun wanna think so much liaox. I guess all that matters is that I'm happy now. I am really afraid of getting hurt again. But once again, I took that risk. Can u believe it? He actually did tell me "I love you" even before we are together. I wanna believe it, but I am afraid to do so. I'm afraid that I'll fall totally & get myself hurt again in tha process. Once again, I hope this time things will be different. I like him alot =) Itz this feeling I can't describe. Before we were together... he hugs me... etc. I really wish that everything he says to me is true, that tha words are from tha bottom of his heart. He says he'll give me time to trust him, I wish that someday I will & when that someday comes, he wun betray me. I am so fuckin' paranoid huh?

Speaking of paranoia. The thought of my dear & Min having a bet came to me again today, when I was talking to Colin during wrk. It just seems like things were getting outta hand. Colin advised me to break things off with tha both of them b4 it gets too deep. Think that advice fell on deaf ears & I'm alredi in too deep rite now. I still have yet to break it off with Min. I wonder what should I do. Jian suggested that I write a letter telling him... perhaps I'll do just that. Damn. I hope that he wasn't serious about me. I know, I seem like a bitch. Leaving one guy to be with another. I hate it when ppl do that, and now I'm doing tha same. /me kicks myself. I do have my worries though... with Jian. He tells me that he broke off with Baohui alredi. I really hope so. He seems to be one who is pretty soft-hearted at times & I'm afraid that he'll take her back. I'm afraid that someday he'll realise that the one he loves is actually her & that I'm just a substitute. He says he'll forget her gradaully... I really hope he does. He doesn't knoe it, but by curiosity, I peeked at his SMS once. On that day, he was saying that he & Baohui were like not talking, but in that SMS, she thanked him for calling her "dear". I bet, even till now, her handfone number is listed as "bao bei xiao zhu" in his fone. *sigh* How I wish I could just look at his fone and such, but guess I gotta respect his privacy and give him that minimal amount of trust. GAH!! I mentioned this b4 and am gonna do it again - if only I'm psychic.

Oh manx... my eyes are shutting down. Think I shall just go lie down & SMS him to sleep =) Will leave TSO for tml. Last episode of pokemon in tha morn. I hope I'll be able to wake up to watch that. I didn't really watch tha previous episode coz I was on TSO *grinx* betta make full use of those darned credits =P

For once I am logging off happy. I hope this lasts a long long time...

Shady self-destructed @ 05:19

Friday, May 28, 2004

Muahahahahaha!!~! Porto beat Monanco 3-0 to win tha champions league!!~! Now, pero is my slave till I tired of him... muahahaha!!~! Thanx to a silly "bet" we made when he SMSed to ask mi to send him tha results. pfffftttttt, he's gonna make potato salad this weekend but I'm wrking till 11pm. I wonder if I'll get to eat it eventually. Afterwhich I'll be meeting Syaoran`K for a movie (I think) so I doubt I'll be going down to eat the salad. Anyway, itz at fruitcake's house. I ain't exactly getting along really well with her, somehow we just couldn't click, so.... will pass even if I'm free :P Damn. I love pero's potato salad though. I still remember, there was once I cut class 1hr early just to go down 2 to his place & help him prepare it. Den jem snuck out during wrk and we ate it together @ a playground while talking loads of crap. Gosh, those were the dayz. Of slacking & just hanging out together aimlessly. I kinda miss those dayz when I wasn't doing anything in life, just bumming ard. I'll either SMS my friendz or logon when I wake up (normally in tha evening) & we'll see if anyone has plans to do anything. Cash flow was bad... but still I managed to survive and had quite a considerable amount of fun. Those times will always be beautiful memoriez in my life. I know friends wun be around forever, but I just hope they'll be around as long as they can. They'll always have a place in my heart :)

I spent tha past few hours with Jian once again. At my void deck. I think I am really starting to fall for him. I am feeling like a flirt now. I shouldn't really be keeping Min as my bf while my heart is partly with Jian. Also... there's another guy in tha picture. Someone I've met only twice @ Poolitix. He's a friend of jem, pero & Noods. I don't deny I was pretty attracted to him tha 1st time we met and I was glad that I got tha chance to see him again last weekend. We exchanged numbers & he SMSed me lately. I should be meeting him tml to watch tha' Jim Carrey movie. Thru' those SMSes, he's kinda hinting that he's interested in me and wants me to be his gf. I dunno if I misinterpreted what he said but I nvr gave him the red light. Am I wrong in doing so? I'll break up with Min. That I knoe. Itz just that, I dunno how am I supposed to bring tha topic up to him. I'm afraid that he'll get hurt in the process & wrk is gonna be awkward in future. But seriously, the relationship is going nowhere and I don't wish for it to drag on. It'll just be hard for tha both of us. Just take today at wrk for instance. We hardly spoke more than 10 sentances to each other, even though we're wrking at tha same station! I went for break with Jian, I slept on his lap with him holding me... and Min went for break alone. Gosh. I am such a fucked up person. I hope that those who are reading this wun hate me. Itz just that, I dunno what to do. I nvr meant for this to happen. All I want is for someone to love me... someone that I love and would wanna spend tha rest of my life with. So far, that person hath yet to appear (with exception of someone who left my life a long time ago). Even after I break up with Min, I don't think I should allow anything to happen between mi & Jian. Though things are alredi starting to "happen". He kissed mi earlier too... yet another good night kiss. When he's not around, I tend to miss him. Then again, I miss loads of other ppl too. Damn. Why does emotions have to be so tangled up now? I like the feeling of being adored... but... I dun wanna become the kind of gal whom I hate - the kind who toys with another's feelings. I ain't toying with Min. That I gotta state. I ain't toying with Jian either. I'm just taking things a step at a time I guess... yeah, good excuse huh?? Fuck. Can someone just shoot me? Coz I think I'm being totally fucked up lately.

Shady self-destructed @ 02:04

Thursday, May 27, 2004

I am feeling pretty rotten now, yet I feel pretty good. Jian just left my house a while ago. He was hugging mi for like the past 45min or so... till he finally left. Before he did, he even kissed me goodnite. No big deal, just a swift peck... but it just felt... I dunno how to describe, err, wen nuan? However, somehow, I am having this feeling that I'm kinda cheating on my bf by not stopping him. I am kinda torn into 2 rite now. Though lately, I've been getting this feeling that Min's heart ain't totally with me any longer... it still doesn't give a good enough reason for me to be this close to another guy behind his back. I do feel a little guilty. I am unsure if what me & Jian are getting into is wrong, but somehow we just got into it. Till now, I am doubtful of tha feelings Jian has for me. I dunno if he's just treating me as a substitute for his gf (I hope he isn't). He keeps calling me "jie" but the things he does for me are more like what a bf does for a gf. He also said he wishes for us to be real siblings. Is that what he really feels? Itz just so... contradicting, dunch u think? I don't deny though, that it took alot of willpower not to hug him at times. I just feel a sense of peace when I hold him & when he holds me back in return. I dunno where this relationship will end up... frankly. I dunno what am I supposed to do, what I exactly feel... etc. I am... confused. I really want to be with him, I think, but I don't know how he feels about it & I'm afraid to make a move. I won't 2-time, obviously, I'll break up with my current bf if I have to. Should I even bother thinking too much about it? Perhaps Jian just treats mi as a close friend or even a real sister. Then again, if this is what a real pair of siblings do, itz gonna get kinda incestous. pfffffttttttttttt ~ I wish I had the psychic power to read his mind.

I cried earlier. When Jian was talking to me about people being together & being apart. The thought of the ppl around me leaving just got too much for me to bear. The tears just came down b4 I knew it & he did comfort me. He said that it hurtz him to see me cry. I don't know if I should believe him. I know I'll just die inside when ppl around me leave - especially those who mean a lot to me. Frankly, Jian means alot to me now. I wouldn't wish for anything to happen to him.

Steven just resigned earlier today. We went for a chilling out session after wrk. The parting did tug at my emotional strings. No doubt, I do find Steven irritating at times, but I enjoyed working with him. The times we spent together, the times we lost our temper at each other, the times we just sat ard chilling out after wrk. I'm gonna miss him. Soon, Wenjie is gonna leave tha company too. HaizZz... I hope this doesn't spell the end of our friendship. Alot of maintanence is needed to keep it alive especially after we go our separate ways & not see each other so often. Friendships fade in time. I hope ours don't. Itz difficult to find ppl u consider as good friends. Most of the others at Secret Recipe are just... colleagues. Itz this bunch I would wanna keep in contact with. I just hope Fate will allow our paths to cross somehow... if Fate doesn't allow, then may we have the will to make the effort to stray from our paths occasionally & see each other again. The plan is to go clubbing after we all take our pay (for the part-timers at least). I hope it doesn't fall thru'

Porto is winning. I gonna go watch the last few min of tha match. Made a damned bet with pero. Heh... Porto betta win. I dun wanna be his slave *grumbles*

Shady self-destructed @ 04:30

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

I just read Kevin's blog. Read the part about being 20-something, the so-called "Quarter-Life Crisis". Yeah it doth apply to me, though not exactly, but tha gist is there. However, it seems like I've been having that kinda crisis since I was a teenager siah. I never did conform & I always feel insecure about myself. I still do, though it ain't that bad now. I shall not speak further about it & I shall quit trying to convince myself about what is & what isn't. I know it somehow, but I just refuse to admit it. I guess I'll just wait for myself to accept myself. lolx. Sounds pretty fucked up ehx?

Shady self-destructed @ 03:43

The past few dayz hath been an emotional roller coaster. Apparently Jian aint' telling mi everything he should, according to Min. Long story, too complicated to relate in a few words but what took place made mi kinda wary of putting too much trust in a single human. The problem hath been kinda resolved, I accepted his apology & I took Jian's word that he forgot to mention it to me. But deep down inside, I still have my doubts. Itz difficult to gain my trust, and once itz ruined, itz even more difficult to regain. I wish I could trust ppl easily. I just can't. Too many incidents frm tha past I suppose. It just destroyed a part of me that can never be regenerated. Sometimes, I even wonder if I'm still human. I love pain. Coz it reminds mi that I'm still alive. Wenjie bit me earlier today. It hurt. But it felt goddamned fuckin' good. I love it when Jian bites me too. And I loved to cut myself. I still do, just that I do it no longer. The pain you feel when tha razor cuts across ur skin... the natural sense of euphoria you feel when the blood just trickles down... the sense of bloodlust when u taste your own blood. It just feels, primal. And good. I freak myself out sometimes too. *grinx* I might just do it again someday.

As for my relationship with Min. It ain't wrking out too fine. It just seems like he's a stranger... he refuses to show mi who he really is. Itz like there's this firewall between us and try as I might, I can't seem to get past it. Push too hard & I might just end up being burnt. But... at this rate, itz going nowhere. When Min sends me home, I end up doing all the talking, with not much of a response rate & he's like silent most of tha time. He doesn't tell mi about himself, he doesn't tell mi about what happens to him, what hath happened... etc. Itz just that, conversation ain't existent. My off dayz are not spent with him & I have no idea what he does during his. Even if we are to go out, frankly, I dunno where to go and what to do. Itz just that... arrrgghhhhhh I am starting to become incoherent. Itz just tat, awkward feeling when u are going out with someone who doesn't seem to be himself & itz stressful @ times. So stressful that I tend to ignore the problem. Fight or flee, I'll choose to flee. Piggy was saying... that I should be direct coz this is dragging on for too long. But is being direct tha best option rite now? Wenjie suggested a breakup. Shufang questions Min's feelings for me. I have no idea what to do nw, but I'll make up my mind sometime. No point pushing myself too... I know what happens when I do.

Frankly, I don't even know if my heart is fully with Min. I am starting to feel damn emotionally attached to Jian. Much that I know I shouldn't. I know that Jian is treating mi as a substitute for his gf, that deep down inside, the one he loves is her... but I just can't help getting myself deeper. It hurtz me when I saw him so sad earlier - when his gf suggested a breakup. It feels so good when he's around with me. So comforting. I think I've mentioned this before. I'm spending loads of time with him lately. He thanks me for it... for keeping him company. I didn't let him know, but I think I should be the one thanking him instead. For being around. I never let him know how good it feels when he holds me. It just feels like all the stress in tha world falls off, only for tha momment. But that moment is good enough. Itz a kinda sanctuary in this crazy fucked up world. Gosh, I do love him. Not romantically but I love him. I just hope that, whatever he does... he wun get into so much hurt again. If I could make a choice for him, I would want him to break up with his gal - be it for my own selfish reasons or not... itz just that, seeing him depressed again & again is so heart wrenching. Especially when he cries. Goddamnit. I hate that bitch for treating him this way. Though I must say, it ain't totally her fault that the relationship is breaking down & I bet she must feel like crap too. *shrugz* I can't make up his mind for him... I just hope he'll make the logical choice this time & end it. Coz apparently, his is going nowhere either.

Neither is mine.

I haven't been on TSO for a fuckin' long period of time. Intending to logon tonite but guess I'll just go to sleep later. I need rest more than anything. I swear, tomorrow I'm coming home direct after wrk. Watch WWE, play some games & just spend time with myself. I crave solitude. I miss being alone.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:33

Friday, May 21, 2004

Had a small fight with Min earlier. It all began @ wrk when I found out that a back injury was bothering him. He didn't tell me how he got it. That got me pretty irritated but what made me lose it was, he didn't tell me about it at all!!~! I had to actually hear it from Jian. Itz like... he's my bf and I dunno anything when something happens? WTH. With that, I was pissed for tha rest of tha nite and we had a slight arguement. Well... everything turned out fine evetually but I tell you, it certainly didn't feel good when it happened. Perhaps my anger was irrational. Perhaps itz coz I was too self-centered and didn't see things from his point of view. I had a talk with Jian before I got home. His words somehow calmed mi down & I felt guilty when I lashed out at him as well when I was pissed off. Gosh, I really do need to learn how to control that temper of mine & look at things from a different perspective. Maybe all Min wanted to do was not let me worry. But he just doesn't understand how I feel when I realised that something happened & I heard it from a 3rd party. I mean... aren't a couple supposed to be truthful with each other, and aren't a couple supposed to face anything together? *sigh* I just hope that this wouldn't take place again in future. It just hurtz like hell. Thankfully Min came after me when I "ran away" from the fight. I don't doubt his feelings for me... I just doubt the things he says to me. I guess, it does take a very long time for me to trust someone. Too many previous betrayals hath taught me the X-Files motto of "DTA" - Don't Trust Anyone. I wish this will change in time coz somehow I don't wish for this relationship to end. Min promised that he'll love me & treat me well, and he mentions that he would want this to last forever. I've gotten such "promises" from other guys in tha past but look what happened in the end? I just wish that perhaps this time, itz finally my turn to settle down. I'll just try to keep that temper of mine in check.

Had a drink after work with Wenjie, Steven, Jian & of coz Min (he didn't exactly drink). It was an unplanned slacking session but I am glad that it took place. It just strengtens tha bond between all of us I guess. It is highly important to get along with colleagues and itz ultra rewarding when friendship develops eventually. I wonder how long will this friendship last. Itz difficult to maintain a friendship when circustances tear everyone geographically apart. Wenjie will be entering tha army soon - June 23. I will miss him & I wish him well. I too miss tha times when it was Wenjie, Jon, Roy and me slacking & just chilling out after wrk with 7-11's mashed potato & those times we spent together @ Hendrix. Though those times are now in tha past, memories of them will last me till tha day I die. *grinx* I am starting to sound like some emotional softie ehz? Hard to believe as it seems, but I do treasure the ppl I grow to consider as friends. If only... if only friendships don't whither in time. If only it'll stand tha test of Time. Much effort is required. I just hope that we'll have sufficient to see us thru' Then... forever perhaps will be not that impossible to attain :)

The last few hrs b4 I got home was spent with Jian @ tha void deck. We were just sitting there, on a bench, and talking. Talking about stuff... loads of stuffz. Itz just simply great that we have so much to talk about & never seem to run outta topics to say. To think that we've known each other for perhaps only about a month? Jian mentioned that earlier too. It just seems that we've known each other for years. I just feel so comfortable with him around & he claims that he feels tha same. Why? Neither of us can explain. Heh, perhaps itz like what we thought - we did owe each other something in our previous life and we're now making it all up to each other. He's my good godbro & I swear I'll never forget him, ever. This is another relationship which I hope will last till the end. Till we both leave this world & hopefully we'll spend our next lives together again. We promised each other that we'll always be there. I just hope that I'll be able to keep that promise. The future is still an unknown... unpredictable. But it really does feel good with him around. He gives me a weird sense of peace. No barriers, no faking... just, company. I love him. Not in the romantic kinda way but in a way that... I can't really describe. I miss him when he's not around. I feel great when he is beside me. Time will change us. But no matter what, I hope some things will never change. I hope he will find what he's seeking for in Life someday & I hope I'll be part of his future and he in turn, be part of mine.

I am feeling so hungry. Yet I am so sleepy that I'll prolly knock out once my head hits tha pillow. I'll be sleeping with that Qoo doll Jian got me frm a McDonald's happy meal. I am feeling so... soft tonite. I wish everyone peace. If only there can be a world w/o war, pain and suffering. If only...

Shady self-destructed @ 04:07

Thursday, May 20, 2004

I am ultra pissed off. I failed my TP AGAIN!!! I skipped tha warm-up, went directly for the test (coz I couldn't wake up) and did everything the best I could. The circuit was perfect, I dare say, didn't commit the mistakes I do occasionally. As for tha road, well the only screw up I can remember was not inching out at a T-junction, taking a little time to move off and placing my right foot down when on tha slope. Managed to chalk up 32 demerits this time - failure to check blind spot, wobbling while starting n stopping, wobbling while negotiating bend... etc. DUH!! I just get the fucking feeling that they dun wanna pass mi at all. I don't remember not checking blind spot. I swear I've checked them all. And as for wobbling. How the fuck are u supposed not to wobble when ur foot can barely touch the ground when u stop? I have to actually tilt tha handlebar slightly to reach tha floor. Fuck it manz, am so pissed + demoralized. I dun even feel like taking tp anymore again... perhaps I'm just not destined to ride a bike. *yells in frustration* This is tha 4th time liaoz leh!!~! Nxt time will be another mth's wait!!~! _|_

Finally took the "La Bocca Della Verita" yesterday - the so called "Mouth of Truth" thing that tells me about myself after I stick my palm into the machine's "mouth". Took it at Golden Mile Complex yesterday, after I did a little shopping @ Beach Road - bought a pair of blue camo jeans & 3 tees. Should say it wasn't a wasted trip. Too bad I didn't manage to find any boxers I like though. Heh.

Here are my results:
Life - 9 Love - 9 Luck - 4
Health - 6 Sex - 3

So how accurate is that actually? Well... my life rite now is quite good, managed to keep myself occupied everyday. As for love, I should say, now that I'm attached, I do get a considerable amount of that. Luck. Hmzz... I am always sway so a 4 outta 9 ain't too much of a surprise. Health. Errr I am down with flu & now have a cough so shouldn't it be like 3 instead? lolx. As for Sex. It should be 0. *shrugx* The descriptions are closer to tha truth though... or rather, to closer to the image I have of myself.

So the Story Begins...

"A trifle consoles us because a trifle distresses us... be patient!!

You prefer to enrich yourself spritually rather than work hard to acquire material wealth.

You don't allow yourself to be swayed by circumstances.

There is no rule to which there is no exception, nor any truth so general that it does not present some defective aspect... trust yourself!

Even in old age you will continue to be successful and happy thanks to love and affection.

You find it difficult to apply yourself to something constructive and you rapidly lose interest in what you are doing."

Well, for those who know me slightly below tha surface, what do u think? Heh, at least this machine doesn't say those stuff about me being an outcast, weird person who shuts myself up. lolx. I don't deny those stuff though. Sometimes, personality tests can be hauntingly close to reality. Then again, guess it depends on a person whether to believe them or not. Or perhaps... ppl might shape their own characters to what they read about themselves? Some kinda self-fulfiling prophecy? /me shrugx

Oh yeah, I watched "Troy" last nite. It was GREAT!!~! Based on Homer's poem "The Illaid" (I have no idea how exactly to spell this), it is set in the time of Hector and Archilles, depicting the fall of Troy. It was a wonderful movie, though I must say, some of the battle scenes remind mi of tha battles that took place in LOTR. Character development was done really well and there are parts in the movie that are pretty inspirational (characters' speech). Heh, not forgetting Brad Pitt is one perfect male specimen. Gosh... just look at his bod!!~! Fuck, at this rate I am gonna start souding like some bimbo. *shudderz* Too bad I never got to watch "The Beautiful Boxer". I dare reckon that tha nxt movie on my list is either "Shrek 2", "The Day After Tomorrow" or "The Punisher" - whichever is screened 1st. Then there will be "King Arthur", "Spiderman 2" and "Harry Potter". Movies... I do admire scriptwriters and storytellers. I wonder where they get all their ideas from.

HaiZzz... I request to wrk half day, at 6pm later but Colin's asking me to go down at 4pm. Supposedly itz busy there. *sigh* I dun exactly have the mood to wrk. Am really tired & still pissed over the tp's result. Thanx to Jian last nite siah, if it was not for him, I think I would have gone back to sleep after the alarm rang & woke up AFTER my tp. Credit to him for managing to wake mi up eventually at 6:45am. Took at cab down to SSDC & somehow managed to make it in time. Doesn't change the result though. /me curses and swears. I am going for a rest b4 wrk. Jya ~

Shady self-destructed @ 14:12

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Hey dad look at me, think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all, nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry, I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry, I can't be perfect

I try not to think about the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spend with me now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

"Perfect" - Simple Plan

Itz a song that I play over and over again on my winamp lately. I love to listen to it during work - in fact, it was at Suntec while Hidir was still wrking, that I 1st heard it. The lyrics are simply so... heart-wrenching, so meaningful. How many ppl grew up wondering if they let their parents down? How many children actually grew up the way they wanted instead of what their parents wished for them? How many of us actually had the courage to break free from our parental strings, chose our own path, rebelled & hurt our parents in the process? At times I do think that I'm a rotten child. I know I drove a knife into my parents' hearts when I 1st did my hair red. As time passes, all I did was twist the knife & plunged it even further when I got tattoos & body piercings. I further intend to pierce my eyebrow next, despite knowing that they'll hate it. Why? I don't know. I do wish that I can grow up to be the "perfect" child. One who listens to every word they say and not rebel. But... wouldn't that make me a shell w/o a mind of my own? I just hope that somehow my parents will know that I love them. This sounds weird coming from me, I have no idea why I'm typing all these @ sucha time, but I really do love them. No one can replace what they've done for me & I just hope I'll be able to repay them someday, somehow. More than once I long to just give my mom or dad a hug, let them hold me in their arms & let all my troubles just fade away... like how it was when I was little, but my pride forbade me from doing so. My godamned fucking pride got in the way all the time. I never told them how much I love them & I never told them how much I appreciate all that I've done. Tell me, am I a kid that grew up wrong?

The past few dayz have been, not too eventful but things happened. Things that made me mad, things I've done that made me kinda guilty. I have to confess b4 all these things eat me up inside. The guilt. Involves my bf actually. Though I'm officially with Min, it seems like I spend more time with Jian. Before my handfone became impossible to use, I will SMS him late in the night... till I fall asleep or till he falls asleep. Jian is the one who wakes me up almost daily & he's the one I SMS thru' the day. It just seems like Jian is my bf instead of Min. Min is sweet, and he does care about me... I can feel it. On the other hand, Jian is also super nice to me somehow. I've asked him why he treats me so well, he just used Alex as a comparison (that despite knowing Alex for such a short time, he goes dwn to visit him in hospital daily) & when I asked why he's willing to do certain things for me, he just says coz I'm his sis. I'm so afraid that if this goes on, I'll fall for him eventually. Though I dare admit... I enjoy the relationship the way it's going now. No commitments, yet both of us are just so goddamned close. This will prolly change in the future, when we go our separate ways but I just don't want it to end.

-= Raymond, pls, if you are reading this, don't breathe a word about it to anyone... not even Wenjie awrite? If this gets out, I'll never forgive you for as long as you live... and frankly, u wouldn't want that to happen (yes, it's a threat & a plea) =-

I actually went over to his place to spend tha nite on Sunday, when I was off. I didn't breathe a single word of this to Min. I know I really shouldn't be keeping stuff from him (even though NOTHING took place & my conscience remains clear about that) but I just thought it would be betta that Min doesn't find out about this. He gets jealous easily & I don't wish to get into a quarrel with him. He didn't ask anyway. Jian was depressed that night, after a huge fight with his gf, nearly breaking up... he needed company. I went over to watch VCDs with him but we ended up watching MTVs on tha PC & talking instead. He cooked instant noodles for me, stroked my hair to help me fall asleep faster & he covered the blanket for me when he thought I fell asleep. Itz just... so sweet, don't u think? And I was the one who was supposed to be comforting him. He thanked me for being there, for keeping him company. But it seems like it was the other way round instead. He hath since patched things up with his gf & their relationship seems betta now. Frankly, somehow, I do get a little jealous when he speaks to his gal. I wonder if he feels the same way when he sees me with Min. Well, I do wish for him to be happy. He'll always be my good lil' bro I suppose. The most touching thing he did took place barely a few hrs ago. I went to play pool @ Selegie with my PS colleagues. I used Burger's hp to SMS Jian that I felt cold. Guess what? He actually cycled down to bring me a windbreaker. I was like... gosh. I never thought that anyone could do such a thing for me.

Anger. Yesh, anger. I was fuckin' pissed off last nite when this person - ANTI-666 sent mi a pte msg on mIRC asking if I was Meiling's friend. I said yeah, and he asked if I was the one who is under undernourished. That was the spark that set off everything. A personal remark from someone whom I have no idea who he is. But since he claims to be Guang's friend, I didn't respond much. He refuses to identify himself though, claiming that he's someone I never met before. Fine. He proceeds to claim that we treat Meiling badly @ work and if he was her, he would have jumped a long time ago. Finally, his parting remark was something about me "retaining my words, being a little fucked up". What was meant by that exactly, I have no fuckin' idea coz his command of language was that poor. That ain't what pissed me off. What pissed me off was that he logged off before I got a chance to rebutt his comments. Fuckin' s.o.b. If he hath tha guts to say those stuff online, why doesn't he have tha guts to come down and say it to my face huh? He's afraid of someone "undernourished"? I'll prolly smash his face in if he does that though. I will lose the fight due to size disadvantage but I'm sure I'll cause such a huge amount of damage that he'll end up in hospital nxt to me. Jian told me to ask Guang about that guy & ask him down to Suntec for a f2f talk. I might just do it. I wonder what Meiling has been saying about us in front of Guang's friendz. That slut. Like it ain't enuff that she's a mindless bimbo who can't even tell lies properly. I hope Guang dumps her someday. I am so close to working out daily just to make her mad that I have such a wonderful bod even though I eat so much junk food whenever I want. I bet she'll just die of envy.

Fuck. My PC is low on virtual memory & apparently I am running outta space on my C: drive. Yet another virus? Ctrl+alt+del doesn't seem to work. I have the feeling that Stinger is back yet again. *sigh* And when I was starting to think that everythings gonna be fine with my PC afterall. Well... am gonna take a bath then call Jian - he told me he'll be waiting for my call when I get home. I wonder if he means what he says. Gosh, it is a long post this time. Spent more than half hr typing this.

Die bitch, die. I hope you fuckin' die.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:08

Sunday, May 16, 2004

Pessimism 54:33

Life is but a transition phase
Between Birth and Death
A fragile meaningless existence
On a plane of questions unanswered

Life is but a journey to nowhere
Wandering aimlessly without rhyme or reason
A long and painful trek
Along a road dark and shrouded

Life is but a roller coaster ride
Except you take it blindfolded
A ride that brings both laughter and joy
Only to plunge into despair after

Life is but a cruel joke
Played by the Creator of it all
A play staged to bring entertainment
To those who are uninvolved

Life is but a flickering candle flame
Wavering at the slightest breeze
A light that can easily be snuffed out
Plunging the surroundings into dusk

Scribbled onto a piece of captain's order @ SR on Thurs. Exact time, I can't remember. HmX... I've been scribbling loads of stuff on sheets of paper at work lately, especially when there isn't a crowd & when I don't feel happy. Words tend to flow only when am either angry or depressed. On Thurs I was confused, kinda depressed & a little pissed. Min's sister called and told mi that he didn't go home for the previous night. He did turn up later, just b4 I got off wrk. His "excuse", that he was angry @ me not going home early so he went to his friend's house to sleep. *sigh* I dunno whether to trust him or not but I don't have much of a choice huh? I just hope he wun get into fights and leave that cult of his. Apparently they do take part in mass orgies too (-.-)" He claims that he never indulges in that but can I believe him? Gah!!~! I wonder what kinda cult is that, who do they pray do, what rituals do they hold & how far do they actually dabble into the occult. They seem bloody childish to me though. Pray to Satan... yeah yeah, wadever. \m/

Oh yeah, went to Hendrix on Thurs too. Along with Min. Colin wanted to play pool & Nicky was there. Doh... I shouldn't have asked Min along. With him there, I was stopped frm drinking or smoking & it felt terrible. Min also felt bored and was kinda sulky tha entire nite. HaiZzz... guess tha nxt time I go clubbing or something, I'll just go by myself. He doesn't really like it and I dunno if he'll allow but am not really willing to compromise my lifestyle. He promised that he wouldn't interfere with my life, but it seems like itz alredi happening. I smoked only 2 sticks yesterday - after much persuasion he let me go. pffft... I wanna be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want to. Seems like my wings are bound again. HmzZz... I wonder if I should sneak off to Jian's place tonite - I wanna use his PS and there are VCDs that we wanna watch together. Min will explode if he finds out, I hope he nvr does. I hate all this lying and sneaking ard but there isn't much of a choice, is there? Besides, my conscience is clear (with exception of those "lies") It would be best if he doesn't ask - so I wouldn't have to fabricate the truth... I feel betta concealing than creating, if u get what I mean.

Ah well, going for a KTV session later. Am having a flu. Gah!!~! I hope I'm still able to sing manx. Tonite might meet Adeline for dinner. Adeline & her bf, some 20-yr ol bung who seems to treat her real well though :) I wish her happiness. I wonder if I'll be able to watch Troy later. Gotta do some movie catching up. Watched Van Hellsing last nite - it rawks !!~! I wonder the TSO server is back up. Or maybe I should just watch anime now till I leave tha house. Hmx... one last poem for now - something I wrote when I was pissed off at some customers.

Untitled

Seething with anger boiling with rage
With this emotion I shall cover this page
Insanity and madness driven by wrath
I curse myself to have taken this path
For itz a dark and winding lane
One that I forsee will bring nothing but pain

Ahh... but the pain is not for me to bear
You'll understand when you'll finally get there
For you ask too much you know too little
You'll soon realise that your mind's so brittle
As you demand too much you act like a bitch
If you have tha guts I'll be waiting at the pitch

I'll cut you open and watch your blood seep
Perhaps it'll calm the hate that now runs deep
I'll enjoy watching you take your last breath
As you gasp for air awaiting for death
I'll remove your eyeballs and your guts
Feed them to you with fruits and nuts

Now shut your eyes as your soul dissipates into the night
Give it up, you whore, you know you've lost this fight
The time hath comest for you to reflect
On all the deeds you've done the people you affect
For your sake I hope you feel a twinge of regret
Rest now, child. May the Lord save your worthless soul

14.05.2004
1519hrs

Shady self-destructed @ 12:23

Thursday, May 13, 2004

*sigh* This is bad. Min hung up on mi earlier. We went to SGH to check on Alex, found him sleeping & left after leaving kit kat on his bed. Afterwhich, we took the bus home. Min's bus came 1st, I asked him to board it and leave... then I got on tha nxt bus with Jian as we were going home tha same way. 147. Apparently that damned bus didn't turn down Victoria street & Jian suggested that I accompany him home, then he'll cycle me back since we both live so nearby. I agreed. At Jian's place, Min called. He asked if I got home, I told him that I was still with Jian (obviously I didn't mention that I was at his place). He just said "ok" then hung up w/o me completing my sentance. I think he's pissed. Very pissed. I admit, itz my fault. But it wasn't planned. Besides itz not as if we were doing something wrong. Jian is now my godbrother... any other relationship between us is impossible, at least on my part - I'll nvr date anyone I accept as a "brother". I would have called or SMSed Min. Thing is, he doesn't have a handfone. I wonder where he is now and what he is doing. Guess I'll nvr knoe. He's off tml. That makes things more difficult. I wouldn't know if he's pissed or otherwise, till Friday. I just hope that he doesn't take this too hard. I wouldn't want a relationship that just started to end so quickly. Gosh! Itz not even a damned week yet & this kinda stuff is happening. I dread to think what will happen in tha future. Especially I am the kind who is literally "surrounded" by members of the opposite gender. I'll nvr give up my friends. This I knoe. But frankly, I wouldn't wanna give Min up either. It'll be a heartbreaking decision to make if I am ever pushed to do it. I just hope that any misunderstanding will be cleared up by Fri - after Jian talks to him.

HaizZz... I knoe this is what I'm gonna get myself into when I took Min's hand. In fact, this is prolly what I'll get into if I take anyone's hand. Things gotta be sacrificed. A relationship is all about give-n-take. I wonder if I'll be able to handle everything that comes my way. I don't really have that much stuff to talk about with Min. But I guess... we gotta sit down and have a talk someday. To prevent any further misunderstandings. I just wish - he'll not avoid me on Fri. Pray for me.

Shady self-destructed @ 02:04

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Spent the last 25min trying to merely logon to TSO. Failed. I keep getting the "Connection Failed" error and itz frustrating. In fact, itz pissing me off highly!!~! I sent an email to EA Sports once, regarding that matter, and no response was given. Fuckin' bastards. As if the connection failed and shutdown thingy ain't bad enough, when I maange to get past that initial problem, another one will surface - Internal Error:0. That will cause me to logon & logoff & logon & logoff... till I finally manage to enter the game. If I'm lucky I'll get into TSO within 10min, if not, I'll take more than 1/2hr. Itz totally fucked up. I had so wanted to do sim wrk shifts b4 I leave for real work. Wasted 25min of my time. Bloody PC. Bloody modem. Bloody Sasser!!~! I need more time for games.

I went to visit Alex in hospital last nite, along with Min & Jian. Gosh, my heart doth ache seeing little piggy in this state. He has a tube sticking outta his chest (he says it hurts & I believe him) and he's breathing with the aid of an oxygen tube. I hope he gets well soon. He doesn't even have tha strength to pinch my cheeks like he always does. I bought him a carebear - the Wish Bear. I wish speedy recovery for him & hopefully he wun suffer a relapse. I still wonder why he doesn't wanna tell mi tha truth in tha 1st place. He said itz coz he didn't want me to worry... but... I dunno. Perhaps I'm just not that close a friend. There are still things he's keeping from me. I wonder if he told Jian. Well, he'll tell me when he thinks itz appropirate I guess. For now, I just pray that he gets well. I pray that Jian gets well too. He's just waiting for his pay to go for a medical checkup. He promised. He betta carry it out. I hope it's nothing too serious. Min is another one *sigh* I haven't seen the extent of the dmg done to his foot but he's having problems walking & all. Damn. Why is everyone getting into such shit lately?

So far, I am pretty happy with Min. He doesn't seem to wanna interfere with my life. For a person who values freedom the way I do, I thank him for that. The only question mark I have is - he doesn't tell me stuff. He keeps things from me. He tells Jian but Jian doesn't necessary relate it to me after. He went for yet another fight last nite. I managed to get that outta him b4 I went home. Thatz after much persuasion and after much questioning... not to mention, much denial. When I asked initially, where he'll be going after sending me back, he said go home. Then for a drink. Then for a walk. *sigh* I wonder why can't ppl just tell me the truth. I trust that he's alright though. He should be able to take care of himself. HmZzz... one thing I do wonder, he supposedly doesn't own a handfone. But if he doesn't how does his friends contact him?! I wonder what else he's hiding. /me shrugx. Take things one step at a time I guess. No point thinking too much about the future.

I am so sleepy. But I have to get to work. This sux.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:36

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Changes happen in Life, like it or not
Be it for the better or for the worse
Decisions once made can never be reversed
A step once taken can never be retracted

Fate. Fate is such a huge yet obscure word. Granted that everything in life may be destined. But it still up to the person invovled to make tha choice... the choice that decides what happens or not. I made my choice tonite. I chose Min. I do have my doubts, I do have my queries, but there's not much of a point worrying about what will happen in the future. Nor is there a point thinking about what happened in the past. The present is all what matters. I guess. I am worried about Min too. He got his foot injured yesterday. According to him, some punk slammed a guitar onto his foot during tha "talks". Jian told mi earlier that he was with his cult mates. *sigh* I won't ask Min anything about it I guess, I'll wait for him to tell me. I just hope that he doesn't do anything that will harm him. "You mess with the Devil, the Devil don't change. It changes you." -- I read this somewhere b4. I used to read up on tha occult. I won't say I know everything but I believe in the power of faith. I still deny that there's a God but the human faith is something that surpasses everything. I just hope that Min doesn't get into further trouble. I have no idea if I'll be with him forever. I just wish that... it'll last as long as it should. Frankly, am afraid that I'll be hurt again. If that happens, I have only myself to blame. I took the plunge, I gotta suffer the consequences or enjoy the results. Wish me luck.

Jian took it quite well. Better than I expected. We had a long talk earlier b4 I got home. I hope Min doesn't mind too much. I'll still continue tha friendship I have with Jian coz I believe we've got something there. I just love talking to him. Itz like, I don't have to put on any masks, I just speak what comes to mind. Guess he is mature enuff afterall. I was so hesitant earlier. To be honest, I am still questioning my decision. But I guess, there's no point in doing so. The teddy bear did it I guess. And the stuff Min wrote to me. He sounded really sincere and I decided to trust him. Itz difficult to trust but w/o trust, nothing can happen. And I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. Risks gotta be taken. Caution hath to be thrown to tha wind. I can't promise anything either. I might die anytime. Especially after I get my bike (I really hope I'll pass my TP nxt week). I might be tempted to just push the limits if I ever get tha chance. I know what I want. I don't gamble with anything, except my life. I only get to live this life once, I dont' wanna carry regrets with me to my deathbed. Regrets that I didn't give things a try. I just hope I'm mature enough to handle this relationship.

Everyone has their own problems. No one can solve anything. There are loads on my mind that I can't seem to put to words. Itz alright. Inspiration will come sometime. My future is another topic on my mind. That shrew is leaving SR. I wonder when will it be my turn. Anyway...

Kev bro, thanx for that SMS. I reckon u are reading this. I read ur blog too & you seem pretty bothered urself. If u need someone to talk to, I am just a phonecall away. No matter how u feel rite now, the answer will come to you someday. Just hang in there, ookie?

I can type no more, for now.

Shady self-destructed @ 02:35

Monday, May 10, 2004

HmzZz... Blogger seems to have a new user interface!!~! Kewl :o) Anyway, I did a scan for Sasser again and this time 2k+ worth of infected files turned out. zZz. This is getting highly annoying. Gah!! Had actually wanted to logon to TSO and do a few work shifts b4 I go for real work - this time I need 35 shifts for tha nxt promotion. Itz the curiosity to find out how the nxt workplace will look like that keeps me playing on. I just hate going to sim work alone ~ less $. I wonder if I'll be TSO-ing tonite or going back to play the PS2 after so long. Still have yet to complete .hack//infection. Duh!! Have yet to beat Testament *grumbles* Awrite awrite am running late for work. There goes TSO. I hope I'll get back early tonite.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:32

Initial intention - to blog this morning b4 I leave to work. PC went down with another bout of Sasser. Used Stinger & it turned out 384 infected files -.-" Went to work in a bad mood & felt awkward all tha way coz of Min & Jian. *sigh* Frankly, I have no idea who to choose... or rather, I don't know what choice to make. Should I just reject them both? Min left a poem on a place during work time, where he knows I'll read. I wrote another in response & thought thatz the end of it. After his shift, he left in a rush. Found out frm Jian later that he's going for a fight. I hope he's alright. He must be. Apparently b4 he left, he asked Jian to pass me something - itz a card that I've seen him prepare... once again, he asked me to be his gal. After wrk ends, walked back with Alex & Jian. Halfway, Alex had chest pains & we all ended up at Raffles Hospital A&E. Thankfully the x-ray turned out nothing. That piggy betta go get an early nite later. Then hung around for awhile @ tha void deck with Jian... he sent mi up to tha 15th floor and b4 he left, he too passed me a note. Stating that he is serious about what he said the nights b4. I am really in a dilema now. It wasn't tha best day at wrk today - I was so uncomfortable & in a highly voliatile mood... I did let my temper show a little. Now Jian is @ Bugis, having talks with some guy whom he beat up a year ago... I hope he's okay too. Itz been a long day. Too many things hath happened. I hope everyone will turn out fine.

Shady self-destructed @ 01:59

Saturday, May 08, 2004

*sigh* my box is still acting up. Had a run.dll error earlier and couldn't restart the PC via "start" button. Had to resort to ctrl+alt+del. Shucks. Besides, everytime I logged on to tha net, the cursor will become and hourglass & remain that way thru' usage. It doesn't too much to the PC (not that I notice yet) but it irritates the hell outta me and proves that something is still not quite right. Anyone hath any idea to solve that? Gah!! Now my blog ain't performing too well either. Something about the image not loading. Ah well... solved that by inserting the url frm my own webby instead. Thankfully I did upload the image once b4. Anyway thatz like the least of my worries rite now. Itz the PC's overall performance thatz harps on my mind. I dun really want to spend tha next few dayz w/o blogging and w/o logging on to TSO or doing anything PC-related. It happened for tha past dayz and it felt terrible. I missed my PC so much. Cursed be to those who creates viruses.

Am watching pokemon & munching on cup noodles. Darn. Spent too much time doing nothing earlier - had intended to logon to TSO for a bit b4 wrk. Guess I gotta wait till I come back tonite. Then again, am unsure if I'll be going to Phuture as mentioned by Wenjie & Raymond. Went to Mad Monks last nite. Some last min decision. Was inititially supposed to go to Chinablack but after much running ard tha country & some phone calls I decided to join Min & Jian instead. I kinda wished that I didn't. Now am in a dilema. Both of them asked me to be their gf last nite. Min, f2f and Jian, over SMS when we got back. I told them both that I needed time to think about it & I kinda dread going to wrk later when I gotta face tha both of them. *sigh* I knew that was coming when they asked if they could ask me a question... but... but... arrggghhhhh why do things have to turn out this way? I dun wanna fell awkward. Besides, both of them are like only, 18? I dun really want to get into a relationship that will prolly go nowhere. Granted that itz nice to be happy while it lasts, but I ain't getting any younger now. I am 23. If I get attached, I would want it to last. And I doubt I am in a state of starting a relationship rite now. Furthermore, how am I supposed to accept one of them since they're so good friends?

Damn. Why do such things need to happen @ the wrong times??

Shady self-destructed @ 10:44

Friday, May 07, 2004

I got home. After my "nap" @ bunnie's place became a "slumber" instead. Woke up close to 1pm & went to TSO for a little bit b4 I finally left. Am feeling so goddamned lazy. I doubt I am going down to fix my guitar. I hope Jonathan calls soon - dun really feel like going down to Anchor Pt. either but a promise is a promise. Eric's gonna kill me if I don't turn up with his helmet 2day. Such a pity. I love his helmet. I should go get some stickers for my own b4 tha nxt TP. I miss my box so much... am finally tapping it on after close to a week, since bloody Sasser got me. It should be more or less fixed now. Just that my Norton Anti-virus ain't working. My bro did say he was gonna reinstal it for me but apparently, he didn't. *shrugx* I guess he tot that it was sufficient that the Internet is up n wrking coz that wun affect his PC too much. Hopefully nothing screws up in tha meantime & hopefully Sasser is gone frm my PC now. I wonder if he did download the patch frm MS Update webby. Gotta ask him when I get home later tonite - should still be going to Chinablack. I just hope that Jon will call me earlier, his fone is still turned off now, so can squeeze in a movie b4 clubbing. I wanna watch "The Beautiful Boxer", "Van Helsing" and "Blood Brothers". So many movies, so little time & even less company. Gah !!~!

Yeah!!~! My mom just got laksa for me lunch. So many things hath happened these few dayz... nothing of great impact but even small things affect the course of the future. Have still yet to get my bicycle serviced. Gotta wait for tha nxt off day I guess. Am spending too much. Must tighten my budget. Oh yeah, my stitches have been removed & the wound is now sealed by surgical glue. Supposedly, tha glue will peel off in ard 3-4 dayz. Right now it just looks disgusting. Like some white festering patch on top of my brow. Not to mention, part of my eyebrow disappeared in the process... with all that plastering, plucking out of excess glue. etc. I think my doc sux. While cleaning tha wound, he actually dripped the spirits into my eye. Hurtz big time manx !!~! Thankfully the report came back clean & with it 2 photographs of my mole. I gonna scan them in and place them here for rememberance. lolx. HmZzz... think I shall just sim a while more, have my lunch and wait for that bugger 2 call. If not, I'll just go down Anchor alone later. I hate waiting ~

Shady self-destructed @ 15:31

FINALLY!!¬ am back online... gosh, I miss blogging and I kinda missed TSO... but now that I finally got back on, I don't think TSO is that kewl anymore. Itz still pretty boring in tha game, and I doubt i'll have the energy to stay up till morning for that anymore. I just hope that I'll find more friendly or interesting ppl around. Thankfully Raym is still there. He's like the only person I talk to on TSO these dayz. Things happen in a few dayz... he's now "taken" on TSO! Kewl :D I wonder if I'll get a TSO "bf" one day. lolx. At wrk irl, the shifts are taking a toll on me, am turning up to wrk late almost daily & feeling horrible. Zombified. Then again, perhaps itz coz I've spent the last few nights finishing up the entire GTO series. Still got coupla vcds at my place to watch though... perhaps will finish up tha anime soon. Especially yami no matsuei. Should have finished watching that a long long time ago :P Then, there's the PS2. Heh... itz great though, tat after wrk, Jian hath been keeping mi company. If not, I would have died of boredom or something. Even SubZero's 5th string was found snapped the other day, when I opened the guitar case. Am gonna go ask Amin help mi change it tml... then it'll be down to Anchor to return Eric his helmet then prolly Chinablack @ night. lolx. Yeah I had my off day planned. The question is, if I would carry the plans out :D

HmzZz... Raym just commented that I work too much. I think so too. I don't have much of a social life anyway, so I guess it suits me fine? In a twisted way, I am starting to appreciate my long and inhuman working hrs. Coz I'll be so tired at the end of tha day that it doesn't matter if I can't find anyone to go out with me. I'll just go home, watch something or game, then go to sleep... only to wake up for wrk the nxt day. And I'll have stuff to do on my off dayz - which are now, once per week. *sigh* I didn't get tha chance to talk to Sin Sin though. I'll just bide my time and continue slacking I suppose. At least till my results come out. I dun really wanna get outta this "slack" mode & am too brain-dead to make any future planx. It does worry me a little though, when Colin & Xiao Yan discuss what they intend to do in the future. Itz great that they are ambitious... perhaps some of that kinda attitude will rub off on me someday dwn tha road. I dun wanna end up a bum in future, thatz all I know. I wanna be earning enough to live comfortably, hopefully owning a condo unit of my own, a volkswagon beetle & an NSR150. I'll have a home theatre system, a good hi-fi, the latest gaming stations and of coz, a trusty PC. Oh yeah... and I'll prolly keep a pet. I just hope that by then, there'll be someone to share my life with me - but I ain't banking too high hopes on it. Itz okay I guess. To be alone. Itz lonely, yeah, but I'll survive. I'm used to it anyway. It sux though, to see everyone around me attached & talking about their partners. Gah !!

Anyway, my PC was infected by Sasser. Darn. I ain't the only one I know who went down with it though. It was an annoying worm and itz worrying that such worms are surfacing more frequently. The previously one that disabled my box was Blaster - how could I have forgotten that? Gosh... such worms just enter my PC w/o me opening any attachements... it get transmitted thru tha Internet. Scary tot huh? I wonder y my bro's PC wasn't affected though, since itz connected to mine via network cables. Perhaps I should start reading up on computers. I hate feeling like an incapable idiot. Credit to tuttle for passing mi tha diskette to eradicate Sasser.

Well I just finished a coupla hrs of simming & managed to do 4 shifts @ sim wrk. Am too lazy to go green and make simoleons though I do wish to maze. Heck lah... will go rest my weary shell now. -= gonez =-

Shady self-destructed @ 03:52

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

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+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

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