Contradictory Ramblings Version 2.0

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Fade to Black - Metallica

Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Now it feels like I've been taken for a ride on an emotional roller coaster. desmond initiated a break-up again last nite & once again, it was me who gave in... though it was pretty much left hanging even after we put down the fone. I really dun understand why must he do this to me. He keeps stressing that we are incompatible (which deep down inside, I do agree) & that I can't be what he expects mi to be. The only consolation was, I did have my chance to say stuff I wanted to say last nite - though not completely... I ain't that heartless. Itz just that, I dunno. I just hope I dun "explode" someday and say everything that is in my mind. I like to think of myself as a kind person. Kind, unless provoked. Anyway, thatz besides the point. Today I SMSed him... asked him if he was late for wrk, and if he still cares about the relationship. He replied that he doesn't knoe. I can't explain what I felt at that time but I was really about to give up. Even when he SMSed an apology I was considering whether I should respond or not. Should I continue playing this game or should I just remove the CD and throw it away... and perhaps wonder in future, how the game would have been like if I did ever continue.

I'm glad that I didn't take an MC and went to work instead. Insights my colleagues gave me were contradicting but they made sense. Nicky asked mi this question that got me thinking - would I regret more if I said something & didn't get the desired result or if I didn't say anything & never knew what could have had happened. It was an emotional battle. Can say I was in one of my "down" moods today. Suicidal... well I was last nite but when I woke up, it wasn't that bad anymore. I was on the verge of giving up. Then it was Colin who made up my mind with what he said over a cigarette. He told me to give myself sometime to try continue with this relationship - say 3 mths. I dunno what will happen in this period of time, but I guess I would try. I just dun like the idea of giving up halfway. So far, the only game I've given up was "Fatal Frame" coz I was simply too pissed with how slow the character was running... it was to save myself from further irritation. I am unsure if I made the right choice. desmond promised that he'll try to change for my sake. All I can do now is take his word for it. All I ask for is that he tries... of coz it'll be wonderful if he really does change, but so as long as he tries, I suppose it'll be enuff to make me happy. Though I'm thinking about the future... I think I should just be satisfied with the present. Forever is such a long time. Feelings change, thoughts change. I hope I've matured further with this. I really have both of them to thank. Heh and obviously... I gotta thank Wenjie. He was tha one who calmed mi down in tha 1st place. What would I do w/o them siah?

There was this thing that I read something about what love said to friendship. Love was asking Friendship why does Friendship still exist when Love is around. Friendship's reply was - to bring a smile where Love brings tears. How true is that. No one can get thru life alone. Some emotional support is always needed. No doubt, friends won't be there for you forever, and friendships may not always last. But it's always comforting to know that you have someone to turn to when you need the support. I do appreciate my friends. People whom I consider friends that is. You knoe who you guys are. I loves all of you.

The future may bring more trials on this relationship. I dun deny that I wonder how far this is gonna take me. Well... at least in the end, I knoe that no matter what happened, I did put in all I could have had. I wonder, if desmond will allow mi to go overseas with my friends. I do need a vacation. Before I make any serious decisions regarding my career path. I've been thinking... rot at Secret Recipe a while more and then take a trip with those SR ppl, down to KL or something (they are planning one in June). Just forget about everything in life and enjoy myself before I return and start looking for a job. Perhaps itz a reason for procrastination but I guess it will do me some good. Thing is, I am worried that desmond will not like it - that is IF we are still together then - and more strain will be placed on the relationship. I just hope that by then, he will have matured a little. Itz not as if I'll be going with a bunch of guys... itz a mixed group. Desmond should be going as well - I dunno what it is about him but just being around him makes mi feel happy. Maybe I do like him after all... though by now I think itz a totally different kind of "like". Not the kind that I badly want to turn into love, but I just like him around. Well anyway... itz still too early to decide & I reckon I dun wanna spend too much energy thinking about it while other pressing matters are at hand - my exam, my projects.

If procrastination is a crime, I think I would have been charged more a hundred zillion times over. I kept telling myelf, to give my body a work out when I get home. Time and time again, I just go to shower and not do any exercise. I am losing my figure. I am getting thinner. This time itz due to stress. People cope with stress differently. Some people eat to feel better. When I am stressed, I dun sleep as much as I know I should & I dun have the mood to eat as much as I should. That was something I considered about when I was thinking whether to flee or fight. Personal health is important. I wanna take up muay thai. But I am so fucking lazy to go register and I dunno if my elbow can take it. For sure I wouldn't want an old injury to resurface - damn, I still curse myself for attempting what I did at Changi last year. If that didn't happen, I would still have full function of all my limbs. It doesn't hurt that much now, but when I carry heavy stuff or I stretch wrongly, an uncomfortable feeling returns - sometimes even pain. Such is the fragility of the human body.

I thought of much stuff today. Even stuff that I haven't thought about for a very long period of time. Stuff that involves Life and itz possiblilties. The probability of alternate timelines, alternate dimensions. Was having a discussion about that with Wenjie during break - more of a sharing of insights I suppose. Brought back a supposedly true story I read many years ago. The story about this guy who drove into an unknown street on tha way to the airport. When he returned to the place after sometime, he couldn't find it and did some research. Research findings were that... the street has been destroyed many years ago. It kept him wondering, what if he had decided to miss his flight and knocked on one of the doors on that street. Thinking about this gives me goosebumps. The supernatural is always something that held my fascination. It leads to unanswered question and sparks my curiousity. More "what if" questions. Is there perhaps, an alternate reality branching out from the reality that I am living in now? A reality that depicts wat happened when I took another path? Where another "me" exists. I do hope that someday I'll find out the answer to all this... thought deep down I know that I never will. It still doesn't hurt to hope about such stuff though. Perhaps one day, when I have to leave this existence behind, and if there is a God, I will ask him all that I want to ask... and maybe then, I'll get an answer? Is there a God to begin with? I believe there is a Creator. Someone unlike that is stated in religions. Someone who might have alredi ceased to exist or moved on.

/me shrugx. It may sound that I'm thinking too much - I certainly am typing more than I normally blog. I can't help but think. My mind is too active not to do so. Granted that I dunno myself completely but there are parts of me that I know. Just don't ask me, who I actually am. What kind of person I am. I will tell you if I can. I just can't coz till now, am still searching for the answer. It seems like my entire life so far is spent questioning w/o getting satisfactory answers. Viewpoints differ & I love discussing with other ppl about such topics. It is interesting to know what others think, how others think. Somtimes, it does spark different theories in my restless mind. Perhaps someday I'll do something to find out. When I really do, I doubt I'll be able to return to "tell the tale". I think I should retire from the night - there goes my plan to read some stuff. I'll try waking up tomorrow to do that... somehow I know I'll fail but I'll try anyway.

oyasuminasai minna. mirai wa made aru. omae wa, watashi ni wasurenaide kudasai, onegai.

Shady self-destructed @ 01:57

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Whoever that is listening/reading... give mi the strength to forget him. Even if itz for one day. Give mi the strength not to msg him unless he msges me (which I knoe he wouldn't bother). Spoke to him on the fone earlier - the fone call did nothing but just made mi feel worse. Seems like I am begging for torment huh. Misery. Misery likes company & I'm its best friend.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:03

To live in desire is to play with the fire
that burns within our every cell
Dying eternal, love infernal... just one kiss to feel the spell
So fall and surrender the weak pretender
Don't resist the call of hell
Dying eternal, love infernal... just one kiss to feel the spell

"Love Infernal - Poisonblack

Am feeling so stressed up lately. Nothing much is going right. SIM rejected my request to defer my exam. Am contemplating taking an MC and going for just the TP. That'll be to follow my heart. Guess I'll follow my mind this time. TP can always be re-booked... tha longest I'll have to wait is 2mths & I'll be wasting ard $60. If I dun turn up for tha exam & gotta repeat that module, it'll be wasting more than 1k and waiting for another year and a half or so. HaiZzz. And here I am looking foward to get my fuckin' SP. Am gonna try my luck though. Report for TP in tha morning & request to be the 1st bike out, then rush off for my exam and return for tha results later. Itz all depending on tha traffic police liaox. Whether they allow or not. Think I should clear my paper even if I have 1/2 hr less. No point failing now that am in my last module. Then it'll be the problem I dread to face - finding a full time job and embark on a career. *shudderz* Somehow I still wanna mess ard a little more, ain't that ready to "settle down" yet.

Relationship-wise. Itz totally fucked. I kinda regret not letting go back then. Am totally stressed. Itz a Saturday today. He pang seh mi and went to play billard with his friends - when we were supposed to go for supper at JB. He didn't even care if I was hungry or not. He didn't even ask if I am gonna eat. He doesn't even fuckin' care. Itz like having double standards. He expects mi to meet him when both of us are free... and look what he hath done? I dun give a shit manx. Am gonna test the limit. Next week, I am going out no matter what. Got this inkling that he's gonna throw a temper, get fed up and maybe break up. I dunno. I'll be unwilling to let go yet again... but I think I should, when I have to. HaiZzz... tough decisions to make. Why try when I knoe the eventual result? Then again, nothing is for certain... things may turn out differently. I dunno. Am confused. I like him hell loads. But he ain't the only guy I like. I admit. I confess. I like Desmond as well. Desmond doesn't really give a damn abt me either. *sigh* Am I really destined to be alone in the end? Now I'm waiting for desmond to call mi when he gets home. I wonder when he'll ever get home. Am still sore about him not accompanying me. Looking on tha bright sight, at least I get to spend some time alone. But on a weekend? Fuck it manx. If I had a bike I would have gone out for some supper wif someone else... heck if he's angry or not. Itz just fair ehz?

Think I'm being quite a fucked up person. I knoe the shit I am getting myself into, but I still proceed on tha course. Somehow I got this inkling that the person who is making life miserable for me, is myself. I am my worse enemy. I gotta learn how to let go, when to let go... and how to reject others - especially reject my heart. Turn off those emotions that cloud my mind. Do stuff that will benefit me eventually. Will I still be human then? Is there anyway that I could erase my past and wipe the slate clean? To start all over again... then again, would I have chosen the same route? I guess, somehow, Life's gonna fuck up in someway. Just... just dun fuck up too badly, itz all I hope. Time's the perfect healer, but scars remain. Old injuries resurface in future, marring progression and denying all logic. You know, I think I should really go study philosophy... if only i am blessed with shitload of dough. I dun have to wrk anymore tha entire life and spend it learning stuff am interested instead. Dreams. Time to snap back to reality.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:34

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Stupid stupid me. What the fuck did I do last nite? I met up with desmond. I couldn't help it. I asked him to stay. I told him I'll try to accept whatever that comes my way. After a long time of "persuasion" he did give mi a hug and said he'll pick mi up today after work. Uhm... what does that mean? Was that a yes or no? I asked him to SMS mi b4 he went to sleep. He didn't. I asked him to wake mi up this morning, he didn't. I am confused now. He used to do stuff in the past, no matter how crappy he can be. Is he doing this to make mi hate him? Is he fooling ard with me? Or..? I dunno why the fuck did I ask him to stay last nite when I knoe precisely that this is the kinda shit I'm gonna get into all over again. Guess I am just asking for it huh?

Shady self-destructed @ 10:23

Monday, March 22, 2004

Eventually, I called. I told him what I felt. He still didn't give mi and answer. Frankly, it would have been better if he just said he didn't like me anymore. I dunno. Could things have turned out differently if had stayed at home and didn't go out after he left? Well... this may turn out to nought, but at least I tried to make him stay. I did make the fone call after all. He mentioned that he could never be the one to make me happy, that I'll find someone better than him & that he doesn't want to see me sad. If only he knoes how much it aches inside rite now, after all he did to me. Then again, it may all be just one big fuckin' lie. HaiZzz... I dunno what to think now. I dunno what to wish now. I guess... things happen for a reason.

He just SMSed me. He said we'll talk tonite. He'll pick mi up to go to skool earlier. Which means... I have 2 hr to think if I should get back with him, or just break it up for good. No matter what... I hope it'll be the right choice.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:37

I messed up. Totally. I guess Fate doth deal a cruel hand at times. Went to meet Desmond downstairs for supper and when he came, desmond called. I thought all was fine, since he actually came down to look for me again. I told him I was just smoking downstairs, doing nothing in particular. He didn't believe me (at this point of time, des hasn't seen Des yet) & eventually I told him I was meeting a friend for supper, coz I was totally moody. He didn't like it. He rode off... even when I tried to stop him. I wish I had my bike just then. If I did, I would have went after. HaiZzz... so I went to look for Des & tha plan was to go down to meet Colin & Nicky @ River Valley area - for food. Somehow I was still hoping that des was only angry, and that he'll be fine later. But I think somehow he figured out that I was meeting Desmond, he called mi and initiated a break-up, after telling me that he wouldn't be able to keep his promise about not leaving me, and asking me to take care of myself. I dunno. Why do things have to end up this way? And for once I was happy... everything was perfect in my life for such a short period of time. Why does Fate have to take it away? I am lost now. I dunno whether to laugh or to cry. I just tried calling desmond a while ago... he said he was doing his duty, not free to talk to me. I hope thatz true. I dunno what I want in calling him. To salvage the situation I suppose - if there is still anything left. I just hope that saying sorry helps... I've never really tried it before so am unsure... I just hope that he'll be alrite and things will go back to how it was. Then again, should I even hold on? Once again itz a conflict between mind & heart. My heart is really telling me to hang on... I dun wanna give up... I guess the fone call later will decide things. Please Fate, if you are even reading... just dun mess up anything for me anymore.

I was with Desmond the entire of last nite. I didn't want to go home, he agreed to let me sleep @ his place. I dunno if I should have done that... but it beats being alone at home. I would have gone mad from frustration or something. At least there's someone physically beside me (even if that someone is concussed). Nothing significant happened... just that I didn't exactly get a good night's rest till morning. When he stopped tossing around. It was difficult to get to sleep. I couldn't stop thinking. When I did finally sleep, the dreams came & made it worse. Eventually I had to wake up, coz he had to go to work... and here am I, alone once again at home. Where does my heart exactly belong now? I like Des. I like des. Itz impossible between me and Des... but I dun want what I had to des to end. Am I being a bitch here? All I can say is... I never done anything morally wrong. My conscience is clear. Mixed feelings, someday, they'll fade. I dunno. Time passes, feelings change. All I am hoping now is des is willing to be with me once again. Then again, is this what I really hope? HaiZzz... I wanna destroy.

Shady self-destructed @ 12:37

Sunday, March 21, 2004

I am such an idiot.
I hate myself.
It hurts. Bad.
I wanna end it all
But I dun have the fuckin' balls
I dunno what takes more courage
Ending it or hanging on
To my very existence on this world
Will anyone even miss mi when am gone?

I keep telling myself the same thing over and over again, but try as I might, I still make the same fuckin' mistakes over and over again. Never to fall for anyone again, never to give my heart this much... once again, itz broken. Time and again, I thought it'll never heal. Time and again, it does... only to be shattered again and again. Perhaps for once I should have taken the rational path - do something my mind tells me, instead of following my heart. I keep mentioning that emotionals are illogical. Yet always, without fail, itz the path I choose. I should have never even let it begin. Yet I did. My fault. My mistake. If I could, I would retreat into a shell & never emerge again. Not until I think I should - if I ever do. Even as I type this I knoe somehow, I'll survive all this. It hurts badly now. I can't really put what I feel in words but I think it'll somehow allow mi to organise my thoughts.

Desmond just called. Am meeting him for supper. Actually told jem to come down have a drink with mi... but I think I'll be happier with Desmond here. Sorry jem. Just dun think I'm making use of u. Itz just that, I'm feeling so fucked up now that I really dunno what to do.

I thought I put the past behind me. Had an inkling that somehow the mistakes I made before will return to haunt mi... I just didn't wanna face it. Now it hath returned. And I am facing it rite in the eye. I dun like it. But there is no changing my past. Itz all about a mistake I made before... when I had that one night stand with this bouncer from the club I worked. He was cute, he turned mi on so much that I couldn't say no. des kept asking mi for sex. And he asked about my past. Foolishly, I told him. He minds. Like I expected that he would. He just couldn't understand why I could fuck my ex-bf and not let him touch me. Itz just... duh... such things, when asked, what do u want mi to say? Yes?

Zzz... now that Desmond gave mi a missed call and when I called back, he hung up -.-" He betta not choose this time to fly plane. Or else, think I'll just get a coupla drinks and come home, knock myself out till tml... and everything will just be one fuckin' viscious cycle.

Shady self-destructed @ 23:11

A friend mentioned to me today - that recently, my blog hath been about nothing else but desmond. *snap back to reality* He is the only thing on my mind lately. The other stuff are all pushed to the back of my mind. This thought came to mi in the shower earlier (yes, I just got home not long ago) - is this healthy? Granted that certain sacrifices have to be made when involved in a relationship... but is this too much? I hardly hang out with my friends now. I only get to do so, when des is doing night shift... even then, I might not be able to get ppl to go out with mi. Itz a problem with free time. des still goes out with his friends... just that at times, I tag along. But how about my own? I kinda miss the free n easy life I used to lead. Yesh, it was fuckin' boring and a pain in the butt @ times (esp. jioing ppl out) but it was freedom. I didn't have to account to anything, to anyone. No one cares where I went, who I went with and what I did. Even now, am worried. No doubt, des is bothering with such stuff... but it is coz of his possessive nature or is he really afraid of losing mi? /me sighx. Itz just so difficult to trust another human. Time passes, feelings change. Then again... itz the present that matters, why bother thinking so much about the future? Here I go again, being a walking contradiction. *hums the Greenday song* Will it ever be peaceful? Will I stop thinking too much? But thinking is all I am good at. Questioning my self-identity. Question everything...

The projects due date & exam is drawing near. Am in my final module. I know I can't afford to botch this up... but I ain't exactly doing anything to prevent myself from doing so. I am a rotten student. That I admit. I am so fuckin' lazy in anything I do & I never give 100%. Sometimes I do wonder, would I have done better if I'd put in more effort. Would it be much betta if I had known what I wanted to do. So I wouldn't have taken the "wrong step". Have I taken the wrong step to bein with? I am not too sure. Would it have been easier if I'd went on to JC, and went on to become a vet? /me shrugx. For certain, I wouldn't have the financial capability to study overseas. More "what ifs?". At times like this, I get weary of life. I get weary of feeling emotions that I seem to have no control upon. I get weary of thinking about the future. And I get weary of questioning choices I have made in the past. Perhaps itz coz I am physically exhausted now. Itz been a bz day at work. And I still went for 2 movies earlier. Now I am totally boinked.

Supposed to go Sentosa for a tanning session tml. I doubt that'll take place. Hardly likely desmond's gonna wake up... neither is Kenix. I dun even know if I will hear the alarm nxt morning. Itz been more than half an hr since des left my place. I wonder he hasn't SMSed mi yet. /me shrugx. Then again, thatz so typical of him. Fuck it manx. I am going to bed. My mind is fucked. I am so losing me.

Shady self-destructed @ 06:45

Friday, March 19, 2004

Finally went clubbing today - Madam Wong. Itz been a long time since I actually danced and gosh, am I losing it !!~! A few min on tha dance floor (actually we spent tha 2nd half the time at the "dance floor"... up the stairs, near the speaker box) and I actually felt exhausted. Goodness. /me thinks of the good ol' times. Itz like I used to be able to dance (uhm... move to tha music) frm midnite till closing but today I just felt tired. Damn, am I getting old. The music got crappy after a while and we left early at 2am. Spent tha nxt dunno-how-long trying to pacify des. I left my handfone in my friend's bag, so I didn't ans his calls. He got pissed and was ultra moody. Thankfully that didn't last forever. Was worried that it went on till nxt morn. Seems it was a good thing that I had a Corona earlier... if I had lost my temper, it'll be really hell to pay - not to mention, another sleepless nite.

/me shrugx. Thatz tha downside of having a boy I guess. Used to be able to party without a care in tha world (except maybe getting home semi-sober) but guess there are things I have to give up with someone in my life now. I knew what I was getting into... since I made tha choice, guess I would have to live with it. Yeah... I really like him. Spent the entire Tues nite with him and most of Wed too. Re-highlited my hair (that cost a fucking bomb), rotted around for a bit. Granted, there were trying times. Especially Tues nite. Was on tha verge of giving up. HaiZzz... I just hope he wouldn't test my endurance so much. Am really afraid that I would give up someday. I was so tempted to, but was glad that I did hold on eventually. I dunno if he does this just to make mi show how much I care for him... or if he does it just coz he wants to. I just hope he'll treasure mi as much as I do him - and I hope that he'll know that I ain't just playing a fool with this relationship. Till now, I am unsure if I really do love him, but if I ain't, I am pretty close to doing so. I like him to bits, that I know. Phew... Tues was really trying.

Damn that bitch. It was 50% her fault that things ended up this way. Was supposed to go JB with her and her bf (I wonder what that fella sees in her). des was late, then there was another couple who's supposed to come along... told her, she got pissed. She gets pissed at small stuff. Itz like, yeah, I was pissed that he was late... but she doesn't have to cancel it totally !!~! I bet she went in with her bf anyway. Ugh... another person testing my patience. This one, is running thin - real thin. She betta not cross tha line. She ain't tha only one with a temper. Am pretty sure that there are others at my wrkplace who are just tolerating with her rite now. All those shitty politics she dabbles in, all that I-dun-like-this-person shit (and yet she'll treat that person real good), and all that fucking mood swings. What siah? PMS 365 dayz izzit? I wonder how her bf puts up with her. And according to her, they'll be going to ROM soon. Fuck manx. I hope he opens his eyes soon. Spending the rest of his life with a person like her... he's gonna die young.

Yes. I am really pissed off.

Anyway... tentatively, supposed to be going clubbing nxt week as well. With who, am not too sure yet. Des did jio go somewhere... if he doesn't decide to fly plane... then should be going with him. If not, will consider going down to Zouk with Karin. Heh, itz kewl that Des didn't decide to dua tonite, or I would have almost no one to dance with. Not that am actually dancing with him, but having another person in ur clique moving along to tha music makes it all the more exciting. Heh... I wonder if I'm able to dance well someday. So far, what am doing is just shaking to tha music, losing momentum occasionally & frankly I have no fucking idea how I look. I may look dumb and spastic but well... I dun really give a shit. Even if others are talking behind my back, so as long as I dun hear it. *grinx* Confidence, confidence... ugh, I dun have much of that frankly. lolx. Maybe should burn a coupla techno or dance CDs and practice moving at home. Dancing is a great form of exercise too. Hopefully it'll be able to trim off that bloody lump of fat at tha side of my tummy. yux.

Exit light. Enter night. Take my hand, we're off to Nevernever Land.

Shady self-destructed @ 04:16

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Should really be sleeping now but I just can't help typing this. Just came back frm a midnite movie with bunnie, tuttle & Malao - some of tha best friends I ever had. Watched The Butterfly Effect... and to be frank, I came outta the cinema feeling a little shell-shocked. The movie, it just sets my mind thinking. Yes, thinking. I think too much. /me does "the thinker's pose" (then again, when I do that pose, u wouldn't knoe if I'm thinking or actually sleeping). The movie is about changing the past, for a different future. How when something is changed, something else is affected (duh), and that itz impossible to get a future that is 100% tha way you want it to be. The decisions the main character had to make, the decisions he made eventually. They're all driven by someone he grew up with - someone he grew to love. I wun spoil tha movie for anyone who has yet to watch, so shall shut up about it till sometime in tha future... maybe, when it comes to mind again, I'll continue. Yeah... that changing the past part sounds kinda like hogwash, the way the "time travel" is actually done... but the entire film was pieced together pretty well. With exception of problems with censorship and the audio tracks in some parts of tha film, it was good. It wouldn't win an award or anything... but itz definitely worth tha $8.50 paid.

It caught mi thinking about all the what-ifs in life. What if I didn't do this, what if I had done this instead... would things have had been different? What will I be doing now, what will I be feeling now and what will I be thinking now if I didn't take the paths I once took. If I had held on to some stuff and let go of some. Would things actually be better? Despite disliking the world, hating humanity, despising how people have evolved to be... but if I had the power to destroy it all... and I've done it, would the world I wish for ever be realised? Somehow, this reminds mi of something Cho Hakkai mentioned in Gensomaden Saiyuki. Thoughts are now flooding into my head, at a pace that is difficult to control. I would love to spare the time to sit down and think... and type. If I do that... I will probably end up super stoned tomorrow. If I just end this here, take out my contacts and go to bed, I'll end up stoned. Heh... I knoe which path I'll take. Jya.

Shady self-destructed @ 04:16

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Finished watching Samurai Deeper Kyo - finally. All this while, I was wondering how it would end. As expected, there was no real conclusion. Nobunaga's defeat meant that Kyo returned to his own body... and that Kyo & Kyoshiro were then 2 different ppl. Then there was the battle between them. It was not known that who was the one left standing... however it was hinted that the survivor was actually Kyoshiro - the last part when Yuya actually ended up selling medicine (damn, I really loved Kyo more. heh). Then again, nothing was certain. Love gained, love lost. Not ending up with the person who you feel for. How friends turned to foe due to different circumstances, how foe turned back to friends... how everyone does what they do for a reason. Sanada Yukimura & Hidetada Benitora - they still ended up on differents sides eventually. Betrayal, forgiveness, friendship. It was a complex anime. I hope to get my hands on tha manga... this time the entire set. Somehow the story in the anime is different. The main storyline was around, but there are many more characters in the manga & I would wanna knoe what happened to them. Most of them have painful pasts... there ain't pure good, neither is there pure evil.

/me shrugx. I always have this thing for complex characters. I would hate those sappy teeny love anime/manga. Am at the last volume of Angel Sanctuary. Damn... Chuang YI just refuses to publish any further issues of X huh? I think I feel too much for fictional characters. Itz the kind of character development that actually makes u grow to love/hate a character. The character is imagination brought to life & there is this certain heartache when he/she dies... even though they dun exist outside the story. Somehow it reflects reality. How things dun always end up the way you want it to be... but somehow deep down inside you knoe, that it is the only way. Fate... destiny... I wonder where my path will lead.

Shady self-destructed @ 04:10

Itz difficult to believe but, I am contented with life - never felt this way for aeons, but I do feel it rite now. I hope that nothing will change. That things will stay tha way they are. Unfortunately, I knoe that wun last forever. Nothing does. I just hope that not all aspects of my life screws up at tha same time. Currently, there are no screw ups. At work, am doing good... getting the shifts I want (I hope this doesn't change even after I get back frm JB) & getting along pretty fine with my colleagues. Relationship wise, mi and Des are still together & he's being a doll lately (I want him to stay this way always). Socially... yeah kewl, still meet up with my mates now and then. At skool... uhm, okay this part is pretty fucked up - then again, itz always been fucked so I dun really give a shit anymore. muahahahahaha... I am a rotten student. Well if anything is to change... I just hope that I'll manage to find a betta job soon - something that I'll love just as much and something that will pay more, something with more prospects. But heyz, am pretty satisfied with things at wrk now. Just tat, nxt week I'll be taking a couple of offs, to go JB and all that. Hopefully my pretty schedule will continue tha following week. My classmate, Farren, hath been mentioning about a sports teaching position. Am pretty interested, think I'll give it a shot. u knoe... do something else for a change rather than customer service. How would a skool accept mi as a sports trainer... I have no fuckin' idea. lolx.

Oh yeah, am going to JB with Meiling, kuku & Des nxt week. Meiling gonna go do her passport & she should be bringing mi to tha hairdresser there as well - cheaper mahx. I hope they do my hair fine. I hope I even get tha chance to do my hair. /me shrugx. No point thinking and planning too much. Circumstances change. Well... itz just great to get outta tha country for a few dayz. I love to travel. Just that I normally have problems with finding travel companions. My colleague, Gladys did mention that she might go down to Aussie mid of this year... and I should be going with her if tha plan goes thru'. Heh, dun get hopes too high. It'll all depend if she decides to go overseas for studies or not. I kinda admire her. She's got this independent and confident streak that is really wonderful. lolx. I may be older in terms of age, but somehow I ain't that confident in my approach to life. /me shrugx. To each his/her own huh? If thatz tha way I am, thatz tha way I shall be. Wouldn't wanna change too much of myself... there was a period of time, that I dun even recognise myself. Well, now, I wun say I know myself that well... but I've grown to accept me. I still hate myself sometimes, but shit happens.

Heck. Am gonna watch anime then tuck myself into bed. oyasuminasai.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:03

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

This is it. The final whistle hath blown. Itz 1-1 at Old Trafford. Francisco Costinha just had to score in the 90th min - after Howard managed to pary away a free kick by McCarthy. Aggregate 2-3. FC Porto are in the last 8. Man Utd are out. Blahx. Had intended to watch the entire match but I only got up at 4:20am, in the dying minutes of the 1st half. Found my potato chips gone frm my room, felt kinda pissed off & ended up eating pork chop instead. Damn. More fat for my tummy. (I have said this many times now but I just gotta say it again - I have to start working out) Chelsea went thru though, holding VfB Stuttgart to a goaless draw at Stamford Bridge. Well... we'll just have to see how Arsenal fares again Celta Vigo tml. Will not be up to watch tha match though. Dun really like Arsenal. Bleah... they seem to powerful to be true & the EPL is as good as theirs. Man Utd screwed up this season. Losing, drawing stupid matches... allowing Arsenal to run away with their lead at the top. /me shrugx. Frankly, I dun give that much of a shit about soccer anymore. But heyz, itz 2004. There's Euro this year!!~! Gotta find a place & some buddies to chill out & watch tha matches with (I doubt I can find any kakis and will prolly end up watching tha matches alone @ home).

Itz to Zouk tml for Ladies Nite I hope. Karin & Angela have given their nods, and so hath Jonathan & Desmond (though there is always this probability that he decides to be a pilot). Been quite sometime since I clubbed so am kinda looking foward to it. Just let mi survive tha 10hrs with insufficient sleep tml. I knoe Des ain't too happy about it but he's letting mi go anyway. I just hope we dun end up arguing about it in tha end. If tha tables were turned, I would be super unhappy that he goes clubbing (especially since he goes to places like Sparks) but there's not much I can actually do. I'll prolly not prevent him frm going since that'll only bring more unhappiness. After that nite we had an arguement, and there was one tha next day, I am feeling even more undecided about this relationship. Somehow... I see no future. I still do wonder if he's having merely a fling with mi. But if he is... I shall say, he's making quite a good show outta it - sending mi & picking mi up from skool with an umbrella since it was raining that nite & picking mi up frm wrk everytime he can. Well... just gotta take a step at a time I suppose. No point thinking too much (though itz difficult not to). What will happen, will happen. And if the end of tha day, he's just messing around with mi, there's nothing I can do to change that or prevent that. Though it'll be partly my own fault coz I allowed it to happen, itz just a risk taken, gamble failed.

Ugh. Tummy feels funny. I should betta get back to sleep. Gonna be another fucked day at wrk ltr. glhf.

Shady self-destructed @ 05:58

Monday, March 08, 2004

I regret getting into a relationship. It sux. Granted that there are happy times but on tha overall... it brings pain, misery and this feeling that I have yet to find a word for. The nagging feeling in ur chest that doesn't go away. The feeling that builds up till u feel like exploding. True... nothing is smooth-sailing but does it have to be this bad? Relationships is something I can't control. Fine, I can't control destiny either but that can be accomodated. This is driving me mad. Itz eating mi up inside till I am going insane. I swore I will not fall in so deep... but after what happened last nite, somehow I have this feeling that I have fallen. I hate myself for being so weak. So guillible. So... not in control. After all that I swore to myself.... all that I promised myself, to never allow this to happen again. I just had to do it.

Itz only been barely a week that we are together. Had a ridiculous arguement last nite - about why I took so long to get home after work. Itz been a hard day and somehow I lost my temper. Wadever I say doesn't seem to get thru to him and it ended up with us putting down tha fone on a bad note. Afterwhich he doesn't sms mi till today... after I smsed him. Why do I have to give in? Even so... he doesn't sound awrite and after I told him how I felt, he sitll gave mi that irritated tone. I dunno. Did I make a mistake allowing someone to enter my heart once again? I hate relationships. The tears just come. I can't stop it. I really like him. But if this is gonna continue, for my own sake, I'm gonna give it up. Till now I have yet to trust him. Going out with him is a bore too. There are no common topics, no common areas of liking... etc. Is it better that I just give it up, close my heart again and wait for someone else to come along? I need someone to talk to. But I dunno who to call. Am gonna retreat back into my hermit shell. Itz lonely in there, but at least it doesn't hurt so bad. I think I am going crazy.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:07

Sunday, March 07, 2004

What luck siah. Now am feeling like a drowned duck. Okay okay, not that bad since I just had a shower, but was feeling like one earlier. Got caught in this heavy downpour on my way back from Suntec. Pahx!!~! Itz like we were sitting near the bridge then were thinking... this doesn't look good, then sway walk halfway tio... then I had to walk all tha way back somemore. The rest just went to the MRT - though I doubt they're going home, but somewhere else, since itz Roy's last day here at Suntec. He'll be transferred to Siglap tml & there'll be a new full-timer coming here. I wonder who that newbie is. Male, female, age, race, unknown. Whoever that person is, I hope he/she is ez to get along. Mel shouldn't be working much more as well... her schedule nxt week is all blanks. /me shrugx. So as long I get my shifts, I dun really give a shit about anyone else I suppose. lolx. Yeah selfish ol' mi.

During lunch earlier, took break and went to makan with jem & Meishan. Oh manx. Horrible ordeal. Was so fuckin' pek chek while eating till I didn't even finish tha last piece of chicken. Had wanted to eat at KFC, but there were no seats - as expected, coz itz lunch hr, then we dao bao, went out to tha fountain to eat. The wind was horrendous. It kept blowing my hair into my eyes... across my face... into my mouth... etc. It wasn't exactly cooling either. /me curses and swears. Gotta find another betta place to eat in future. Maybe one of those benches somewhere in tha shopping ctr. itself. Just had to take a break today. Sunday is irritation day - the crowd comes in hordes and they suck. Thankfully after Nicky left, I spent tha rest of tha day in the bar. Busy it may be, but I didn't have to interract much with morons.

Tml will be another day. Should be meeting Des for a swim - if he doesn't oversleep or if I dun oversleep. Been sometime since I last swam. Damn, I do need tha exercise. Was telling myself earlier to do some crunches and bicep + tricep curls when I get home... but it just had to rain. And since I took a shower, I ain't really interested in getting myself perspiring again. Gotta do at least 15 laps tml. 20 if time allows. I am getting fat

Shady self-destructed @ 23:10

I went out eventually. Watched Man Utd beat Fullham 2-1 (winning goal by Nistelrooy) and afterwhich went to play mRO at some LAN shop in Parklane. lolx. Was supposed to play pool but tha queue was pretty long. Hahaha... fight minorous. Mad siahx. 1 forging smith, 1 priest, 1 wizard, 1 archer. It was fine till we went on a suicide mission - to clear this place of minos and mummies. Then we died one by one. hahaha... I gotta level up quickly siah. Even minos dun dish out much exp at my lvl. Before that we went to hunt Eddga - some tiger-looking MVP. Farney. Wait till my swordie gets much higher... then I'll go try solo angelring or something. *grinx* Been a long time since I actually enjoyed RO. Games are always more fun when u play with friends. Especially when ur friends are beside you.

Ughhhh am still feeling kinda sick. Heck.

Waiting for an SMS is a painful thing. Itz like a thorn in the side - annoying, dull ache, bothersome... that doesn't go away till the SMS is received and the thorn removed. HaiZzz... the last time I got an SMS frm Des was hours ago, when I first started gaming. I responded. That was like 11+... then I never heard anything from him since. I hope itz coz that he's asleep and not that he ain't bothered to reply. Itz difficult to trust. HaiZzz... I dunno. I just hope he'll respond b4 I go to sleep later... if not, at least let mi see his SMS when I wake tml morning. I hate this waiting game. Why am I so weak?

Shady self-destructed @ 02:39

Saturday, March 06, 2004

Am on MC today. Finally managed to get a nice long sleep - perhaps am going back to nap again if I ain't going out later. Am supposed to go meet pero & jem later tonite, to watch soccer or something, but as usual, they are just not confirming the time & place. /me shrugx. I dunno if this kinda thing bugs mi only. Coz when I see Des go out with his friends... itz tha same as well. They call each other when they are going out, they meet w/o plans, etc. Perhaps I am just too particular about this kinda shit, but it does bug mi. Best is... I make a suggestion, pero & jem dun respond. Aaarrgghhh... at this rate, think I'll stay at home and watch the match alone betta. If I had gone to wrk, I would have met them after wrk, hmz... much easier I think. Less, asking them where meet, when meet... etc. Bleahx. But if I had gone to wrk, I think I would have fainted by now. lolx.

I was out with Des and a few of his friends last nite - spent alot of time sitting ard and doing nothing. He kept asking mi if I was bored. I said no of coz... but frankly I was. Itz like duhhh I'd rather go home and play RO or watch RAW. Oh, then eventually ended up at East Coast for a while. There was this other gal too. Mixed feelings I have about her. She's not that dao... but I dunno what to talk to her about - besides, I never liked ah lians, and she is one typical one... just that she speaks betta than most I've ever seen on tha streets. Ugh... am kinda uncomfortable about the friends Des hangs out with. All those xiao beng and xiao lians. Am I regretting this relationship? I really have no idea. All I knoe is, I wanna try and give it a shot. He treats mi real good (for now) and thatz what matters I suppose. Anyway, at the end of tha day, it'll be me and him. Friends and family dun matter that much I guess. /me shrugx. Anyway, ppl do grow up someday... his friends will prolly not remain that way forever, and neither would he, neither would I.

Asked him why he chose mi outta all tha gals he knoes... those gals that are more feminine, prettier... etc. He said he had no idea. I hope itz not coz he didn't have much of a choice. Ugh... then again, I have no idea why I agreed to patch back with him when asked too. Itz just tha feeling I think. Though at times, to be frank, he ain't the one I am thinking of... and sometimes I wish that I'm with someone else instead. Ahhhhh heck lah, take things a step at a time, no point thinking too much oso.

Shady self-destructed @ 17:26

Friday, March 05, 2004

I am on the verge of giving up. I would have, if only I wasn't merely 1 step away. Those fuckin' testers are all that stand in the way betwee mi and my SP. Failed again. 34 demerit points. I am super pissed. 4 pts for poor acceleration, another 6 for speed to slow. Tell mi, how fast can you go on a bike that refuses to go past the 3rd gear? Thatz like a ridiculous 10pts for nothing. Haiz... even without those 10pts, I'll still fail. Itz the blind spot thingy again. 12 pts. for blind spot and failure to watch out for traffic. I really dunno where I went wrong liaox. I swear I did check my blind spots and I am very sure that I did look out for traffic... and itz incorrect technique at e-brake again. huh? What incorrect technique? The nxt time I go down for RR, I gonna ask the instructor liaox. Du lan. I really feel like not going on anymore *sigh* My acquaintances oso failed. All of us gonna repeat tha 3rd time nxt mth. 8th of April. Pah!!~!

In the meantime, gotta rely on Des to bring mi around. HaiZzz... I dun really like depending on others for transport, even if he's my bf. Then at times I feel pretty bad that he actually has to send mi home b4 he goes home... dunno if he gets enuff sleep or rest liddat. Anyway... I was pretty pissed with him yesterday. Supposed to go watch movie with mi after KTV, then he last min tell mi cannot (no $$) and dunno what to do. HaiZzz. Ended up at East Coast doing nothing for a while. Eventually did watch a movie - Acacia. Think he borrowed $ from Calvin to do that. Afterwhich went for supper, he didn't eat till I kinda forced him too. /me confused. I dunno if this kind of bf is the kind I want. He's in the army, financially will be kinda constrained. He is worried that I'll leave him. I dunno. Can I trust him? He really seems dedicated this time. Then again - I can't really remember how he was previously. He can tell mi that he loves mi, even when itz been barely 1 week that we are together. I dunno. I really can't bring myself to trust someone who broke that trust b4. Do I really like him? Well... I miss him when he's not around. Yeah I do like him. Should I allow myself to develop even deeper feelings - thatz what I am hesitant.

Pooh. I gotta go to wrk soon. Go to wrk and face the music. With all the ppl asking how did my TP go... yadda yadda... etc. and itz Friday. Closing at 11pm. /me groanx. I am so tired. If only I could just go back to sleep...

Shady self-destructed @ 11:03

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Phew, just came home frm SSDC, circuit revision. Tha 1st few rounds went almost perfect. If I could perform that way tomorrow, I shouldn't have much problems getting my license. Adeline is taking her TP tml as well, for Class 3. I wish her best of luck too. *grinx* After I get my Class 2B I'll go sign up for Class 3. Then maybe... just maybe, one year later Class 2A. The bikes look freakingly huge and heavy though. But... I saw a gal riding a CB750 earlier. Granted, she's a butch and prolly tougher than mi, but she ain't that much bigger. Taller though. Height doth make a difference somehow. Darn. If only I grew like 5cm taller when I was younger. lolx. But it'll be damn kool if someone my size is riding a Class 2 bike loh. Damn kool & damn hazardaous. Hahahah ~

Oh manx... my skool project is getting fucked. My group members are not updating mi on tha stuff they've done & I can't make it for both discussions during this "break" coz i have prior arrangements with other ppl. Last Monday, well, I promised Meiling to go dinner with her and tml I'll be going ktv with Adeline and Emily. Itz like... arrgghhh I just hate it when ppl do stuff last min. I hope they'll delegate stuff for mi to do. I dun wanna be a freeloader. Neither would I like it if they strike my name off tha group just coz I "didn't put in effort". I hate group work. I hate working with ppl. If only I can do stuff alone. Which reminds mi... I'd betta start on that damned individual project soon. Fuck. I dun even knoe when tha due date for that stupid thing is. Skipped one class too many.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:31

Owww... I accidentally pulled on my barbell earlier, when I retracted my tongue too fast while playing with it. Darn, serves mi just rite for playin' so much. Just like tha lame Dove commercial - I just couldn't help it. lolx. Yeah itz super tempting not to play with tha barbell when itz like in tha mouth. At least I can eat almost normally now. Eating will nvr be tha same again, but sooner or later I'm gonna adapt fully & regain 99% normality. Even now, the barbell ain't bothering that much anymore. Can eat almost anything... except real huge chunks of meat. I hope it heals fully soon. Ah well... such stuff take time - the only question is - sooner or later? :D

Just got home from JB & supper. Phew... the roads in there are kinda scary. I dunno if I will go there just to top up my tank when I get my own bike. It was fun though... the long bike ride >.< I really am falling kinda fast. I miss Des like hell when he ain't around with mi. I keep looking at my handfone to see if he drops mi an SMS or something. I hope he misses mi that much too & hopefully history doesn't repeat itself. HaiZzz... I seem to be repeating that line pretty often ehz? Not that exact line, but something pretty much tha same context. /me shrugx. Thatz just mi I suppose. Insecure, possessive, paranoid. Although this time, am trying my best to give him enough personal space. I wouldn't wanna control him too much. Such was tha mistake I made many times in tha past. Gonna do this differently this time and hopefully it'll prove more beneficial for tha both of us. Now that I have him back, I really dun wanna lose him again. (hahaha... speak about not being possessive)

Am going for my final circuit revision at 8:35am tml [hopefully]. I dun wanna return to SSDC again after this Thursday - not unless I'm going for Class 2A (this is still a maybe?) or Class 3. I pray to whoever is listening, reading, just let mi get my license this Thurs. Des will be accompanying mi to take my TP. I hope he is my lucky charm, as he claims. Dun panic... keep calm & everything will be fine - will it? Gonna practice the crank & plank like mad tml. Practice makes perfect, does it? I want that bloody license!!~! And I want my SP!!!~! Aaaaahhhhhhhhh itz the waiting time for tha nxt TP that drives mi mad. MAD. 2 mths. 2 fuckin' mths of doing nothing but wait, only to screw up the previous time. Blahx. This time hopefully will be betta... it MUST be. I spent alot on this shit alredi... dun really wanna continue spending. SPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSP

Shady self-destructed @ 03:08

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

*yawnz* Morning. Itz 9:28am currently. Boy izzit early manx. Des just woke mi up, am supposed to meet him for breakfast later, before I go to wrk at noon. I must really like this boy. Haha... itz super difficult to get mi up in tha morning to do anything and he managed to >.< Dun feel as tired as I expected though. Think itz coz I went to sleep early last nite - he made mi. lolx. Itz kinda difficult to believe that I'll actually say something to someone and go thru' with it huh? Especially when it concernes sleeping early at nite, which means less gaming :P

Went to zzz after watching "Mystery of the Necronomicon". Nice 4-part anime. Granted that there are hentai portions here and there but it ain't too much till itz unbearable. One thing about hentai though. Weird. The gals always get fucked the same way (same positions somemore... pahx)... pre-intercourse warmup is always done the same way, and the couple normally cum at tha same time. Does this happen for real I wonder? Wat kinda perception does hentai give to young minds? It just seems like the gals are all sluts & that sex is always an element in a relationship. It just seems so normal, in hentai that, if u are a couple, u fuck every opportunity you get - and then u continue with life like nothing hath happened. Even ppl who knoe it happened, pretend that itz no biggie. Is it really this way? HmZzz... it kinda reflects some ppl I knoe though - I knoe a few couples who fuck all tha time. /me shrugx Just a tot...

Itz Tuesday. HmZzz... think emRO server should be down. Ah well... gonna go get ready anyway. Heh I hope Des keeps his promise and brings mi down to JB later tonite. tanoshiimini!!~! zettai ikuyo!!~!

Shady self-destructed @ 09:37

Monday, March 01, 2004

Ugh... my bro has another 3 friendz over. Itz a noisy afternoon. I just got home frm SSDC - went for my road revision. Damn. My circuit is still kinda fucked. I might wanna book for a CR this Wed... then again, I should be going to JB tml nite with Des. /me shrugx. A little less sleep wouldn't hurt I suppose. Gotta make sure I dun get any immediate failures on course & dun chalk up too many points. /me crosses all fingers and toes. I really really hope I'll pass this Thurs. If not, it'll be just another 2 mths of time wasting. Bernard passed his 2A liaox. Gotta sleep early this Wed and dun go TP half-fucked like the other time. HaiZzz... then again, I dunno if I can pass fully awake. I'd betta. I wanna get my SP asap. Heh, even if I get my SP... if I go out with Des, think I'll be tha pillion betta >.<

We are together again. lolx. Went down PS earlier, dropped by GV to look for Selina & she's pretty shocked that we got back together again. Haha... all this after 4 years. Never did I expect anything's gonna happen after that long a time. Fate? Destiny? I dunno. I just hope he wouldn't hurt mi again this time. Itz difficult to trust, but I guess I have to. If I wanna move on. Des calls this patching back... I dunno. I think itz a start of something new totally. =) See how things go I suppose.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:55

.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page

Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.
In Progress

Dark Cloud 2
Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
Kingdom Hearts
Kingdom Hearts II
Wild Arms 3

In Queue

Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
Dark Cloud
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
Final Fantasy X
Final Fantasy X-2
Final Fantasy XII
Grandia III
Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
Persona 3
Rogue Galaxy
Rule of Rose
Shadow Hearts: Covenant
Shadow Hearts: From The New World
Shining Force Neo
Silent Hill 3
Silent Hill 4: The Room
Soul Cradle [Jap]
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
Suikoden IV
Suikoen V
Tales of the Abyss
Wild Arms Alter Code: F
Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

Ar tonelico II [?]
Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
Digimon World Data Squad
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
Drakengard
Drakengard 2
Dual Hearts
Elvandia Story [?]
Ephemeral Fantasia
Eternal Ring
Evergrace
Forever Kingdom
Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
Growlanser Generations
Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
Jade Cocoon 2
Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
MS Saga: A New Dawn
Musashi Samurai Legend
Odin Sphere
Okage: Shadow King
Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
Radiata Stories
RPG Maker 2 [?]
RPG Maker 3 [?]
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
Shining Force Exa
Shining Wind [?]
Shining Tears
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
Steambot Chronicles
Summoner
Summoner 2
Tales of Destiny [?]
Tales of Destiny II [?]
Tales of Legendia
Tales of Rebirth [?]
Tales of Symphonia [?]
The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
Tsugunai: Atonement
Unlimited Saga
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
Wild Arms 5 [?]
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
.hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
.hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
.hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
.hack//Infection Part 1
.hack//Mutation Part 2
.hack//Outbreak Part 3
.hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

Grandia II
Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
Legend of Legia II
Shadow Hearts
Silent Hill 2
Suikoden III

Trash Bin

7 Sins
Urbz: Sims in The City
Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...

+ A r c h i v e s +

02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009

+ S e l f L i n k s +

Cross Stitch Tracker

+ C r e d i t s +

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