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Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else


I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free


Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel


Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone


No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try


Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye


Fade to Black - Metallica




Contradictory Ramblings [Version 3.0]

"Walking around in circles... seeking a place to call my own"

Welcome to My Life


Saturday, February 28, 2004


As expected, the tongue still hurtz. Peeling somemore. Jia lat, seems like I am losing fragments of my tongue. Plus, itz still white and kinda yellowish. ugh, gross. Roy is gonna pierce his tongue tml. I might be tagging along when he does that. I wonder if his will be as bad as mine. Just my luck... or lack of it I guess - that everything I pierce gets infected somehow. Hmz, wonder if I should go for a navel ring in future. Haha at this rate I'll end up full of holes siah.

Ugh... I want Fine Grit !!~! It wasn't that hard to get them on iRO why am I having such huge problems on mRO?

Am watching a movie with Desmond tml. Honey. /me shrugx he claims that he misses mi - that he'll not SMS mi so often if he doesn't. Darn. Should I be taking his word for it. I dun really wish for history to repeat itself... so I'd betta not fall for him this time. I hope he's changed for the better though. Then again, how to trust someone who broke all trust b4? Anyway I ain't gonna think that much lah... he might be just kidding and doing some harmless flirting. Remain as friends betta lah, dun make any dumb moves that I might regret in future. Then again... why think so much about the future ehz? So as long I am happy now... I dun really have to give a damn huh?

Am I happy?

Shady self-destructed @ 04:13

Friday, February 27, 2004


Des SMSed mi when he woke up and since I had an extra helmet with mi at Suntec, I asked if he wanna come down and give mi a lift to skool. He said I was crazy but he came down anyway. hahaha... then he picked mi up after class, met up with Calvin and it was off to Newton. Managed to eat a plate of Hokkien mee !!~! Heh, am so proud of myself... even though it took 1hr to do so. lolx. Went to Newton after class wif Des & Calvin. Am surprised that despite being such a long time since we last saw each other, we still have stuff to talk about. Afterwich it was a little bit of slacking at my void deck. Then they had to wrk early tml so they went off. *grinx* I can't help thinking of how it was before. When mi and Des were actually together. We broke up once, somehow got together again... then broke up for good. At that point of time, uhm, he was with another girl as well... so itz kinda like two-timing (or maybe more that I dun know of). /me shrugx I wonder if he still does that now, or has he grown up mentally. Physically hahah he's still that cute little boy I knew at 19 >.<

I went home, continued RO. yeah, am ROing again. Been quite sometime too since I actually ROed. Am playing on Penril server currently though. Kinda left my Iris characters behind coz Kai & exegal are on Penril. Heh... with their tanking, I managed to level frm 13 to 28 in just 2 dayz. kewl ehz? Wonder if I should just quit Iris for good. But my characters there... heh... well my blacksmith still gotta lvl up. I have yet to forge a set of elemental weapons for myself, pero & jem. At this rate I am ROing, I think my Neoquest II can rot le. My .hack//infection, can rot even more. lolx. No choice, too many games, too little time. HmX... I rather have too little than too much time though /gg Hard to satisfy huh?

Shady self-destructed @ 03:14

Thursday, February 26, 2004


Like I expected, the tongue got infected. pah, I knoe that rhymes but rhyming ain't my intention rite now. Itz BLEEDING. wtf. The bottom of tha tongue seems fine, pink. The top is like white/yellow - is my tongue originally this color to begin with? The part near the barbell is sorta peeling... a small part came out earlier, accompanied by a few droplets of blood. ugh. Why me? Why is it that when I do something, itz always worse than when others do something? Itz the 4th day now, still painful =(

Shady self-destructed @ 10:57


Forgot to mention. I saw someone I haven't seen for a long time @ Boat Quay earlier. lolx. Think it was quite a good thing that we went down Lighthouse 65 after Hendrix *grinx* He's now riding an SP. I wonder if he'll take mi for a ride someday. Then again... I'd rather get my own SP and go ou riding too >.< Well... itz been such a long time since I last spoke to him. He still hasn't changed much. Brought back memories of tha past. Memories of... youth. He was my bf for a period of time, when I was 19 - he was 17 then, a small beng to be frank. ahaha yeah, I have a thing for bengs, I still do :P Anyway, it was good seeing him again after all this while. He's still as cute as ever... hahahaha. Some things never do change :D I got his hp no. I hope he calls mi.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:10


Just came home from Hendrix. yeah I had a drink... more than one actually - burbon coke. And uhm... I had 3 cigarettes. So much for my willpower not to smoke. Ah fuck lah. Think I just gonna be a social smoker. No smoking watsoever unless I go clubbing. Deal? /me pokes myself. Who am I trying to kid manz? I am supposed to not touch alcohol or tobacco while my piercing heals. It still hurts like hell & I've alredi done all that I ain't supposed to do. According to websites, the person who pierced and ppl whom I know that have pierced tongues. However, according to ShaDy's law, anything goes - regret comes later. The tongue betta not fester. i wun know what to do if that happens. The tot of amputating my tongue sux. Eh I think I think too much. lolx. No, I ain't intoxicated yet... though it seems that I am typing way faster than my normal speed. /me shrugx. I hope the tongue heals tml. For now, itz soup & mashed potato for supper. Boy am I hungry...

Shady self-destructed @ 02:59

Wednesday, February 25, 2004


Itz the 3rd day now. I still cannot eat or speak proper. The tongue is still swollen & it hurts like hell. There is even blood. I dunno why do piercings of mine always turn out different from others. Friends who do it have no problem watsoever, and mine seem to be on the verge of festering. They didn't take any extra care either... just left it to heal... which is what I'm doing. Agh another day of pain & torture... I hope the ordeal will be over tml - as in get betta, not tongue fall off !!~ I hope the bleeding stops.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:49

Tuesday, February 24, 2004


aaaaahhhhHHHHHHHHHH PAIN!!~! Even when I eat ice-cream or whipped potato !!~! Oh manz !!!!

Shady self-destructed @ 14:02


My tongue still hurts. Did it just get worse? Ugh, I dread the feeling when I wake up tha nxt morning. Wounds are normally tha worse tha nxt day, after drowsiness wears off. I can hardly move my tongue now. Had huge problems brushing my teeth, gargling & even drinking water. The bottom of tha barbell is poking into tha floor of my mouth, where the salivary glands are & itz posing quite an irritation. My jaw is aching, goodness knoes why & so is my mouth on tha whole. It betta heal soon. I shall rest.

Shady self-destructed @ 02:52

Monday, February 23, 2004


I pierced my tongue. Itz swollen. I cannot eat anything solid =( I tried eating kway teow earlier but failed, am now swallowing porridge. ugh. According to webbie and Des, it'll be 3-5 dayz before I can do stuff normally. I hope so. I really do. I dread the tot of eating porridge for such a long time. Itz when I try to chew my food tat tha tongue gets in tha way and it hurts too much to continue. I hope the pain goes away soon. I hope the swelling reduces and I hope no infection sets in. Was supposed to go class today but went to pierce my tongue instead. lolx. Desmond went with mi. And he was grinning all tha way. Damn. His tongue seems fully healed now though, and he was eating w/o problems. HmZz... for tha 1st 3-5 dayz itz gonna be this way. ah well... I betta lose some inches off my waist in tha process. Duh, I left the bermudas in his van. Supposed to meet Jon go Outback eat tml, think that plan can be postponed liaox. HmZzz... wonder if I can eat those breaded mushrooms. Mmmm...

Meiling's bf just pm mi on IRC, saying Meiling wanna start taking diet pills. Hiaz. I am fat too. Should I go silm down, lose that tyre around my waist, continue eating well just to prove to her that medical substances are unecessary? That'll benefit mi too... getting tha figure i want. Yeah. Perhaps I should just go ahead and do tat. Stop saying I'll do it but actually get down to it.

Colin just asked mi today to start looking for another job. Apparently Secret Recipe is gonna cut down on their staffing hrs coz the company ain't exactly doing too well. Part-timers' shifts will be slashed even more greatly and full-timers may not be allowed to go for OT. HmZzz... I wonder if I should convert to a full-timer in tha meantime? 8hr a day ain't too bad - especially if I get to do closing shifts. 2-10 daily... and on tha dayz that I have skool, 10-6. Basic pay around 1.1k... after CPF deduction will take home around 900. Betta deal than wat I am doing now. I am wrking like 10 hr per day and I take home around $990 (thatz my last mth's deal). I wonder if they will allow. In tha meantime, starting tml, I'll browse the papers and perhaps send out a few resumes. /me shrugz seems like the career part of my life is gonna fuck up soon. Are the others parts gonna improve?? lolx. I give up.

Back to Neopets

Shady self-destructed @ 23:20

Sunday, February 22, 2004


Itz been a fucked up day. Totally fucked. Neopets just drew tha final nail into the coffin. Before I left for work, I zapped my pet with tha lab ray and it gained 3 strength points. Was glad. That finally there was a gain in str. I just got home, zapped again and guess what? Lost 3 str points. !#^*#&~ Like the day wasn't bad enuff. Perhaps I am just being paranoid. Perhaps I just can't take disappointment well. Perhaps itz coz I was really looking foward to it... or perhaps itz just a combination of all 3. The customers today were alredi driving mi up tha wall. I am trying to quit smoking so itz pretty difficult to release my anger somehow. Then, it was the K-Box thingy.

Itz Jonathan's last day here at Suntec. Supposed to go K-Box for a ktv session. At first, I didn't really think that anyone's gonna go. Then during closing, Wenjie & Roy were like on as well. I went to tha atm with Jon, took out tha $$ and then they said they were not going. I really felt like yelling at them at that point of time. I still feel like yelling now so woe betide tha nxt person who crosses my path. I just put on my earfones, turned and left. No one bothered to stop me. Great. I am not needed after all. Fine, so be it. I dun need them either. I have this feeling tha they went off somewhere else w/o me. Probably to K-Box like planned. F-I-N-E. I was looking forward to it at that. I just hope that I'll nvr meet ppl like that ever again in my fucked up life. Imagine looking foward to something, then having everything ruined tha last minute. And having tha possiblity of the rest going ahead as planned. It ain't tha first time they are out w/o me. I think I should have just gotten tha fucking hint and back off. They dun want me around. They are colleagues, they've always been. Why am I so stupid that I actually thought they are gonna be friends somehow? With this line drawn, itz gonna be shitty working on at Suntec. Perhaps I should just request for a transfer back to PS. Perhaps I should just get on with my life and look for another job. And this time, treat everyone nothing more than a colleague. Itz super difficult when u go to work this way, but thatz tha way it shall be written. So it shall be done.

Some baby threw up at Table 9. I hate babies. I hate children. Hell, I hate everyone. I hate all of you I hate the world I hate everything. The smell was bad, I nearly threw up. I didn't assist in tha cleaning up though. I knoe itz kinda selfish of me, to let Meiling & Roy do tha stuff. But no way I gonna get my hands on that puke. And guess what? The mom of tha fucking baby just sat there and continued eating her kebab !!~! What the fuck?! Itz bad enuff that u don't apologise or help to clean up, but sitting there like nothing hath happened really sux. Fucked up humans. Such is tha fucked up state of tha world. I hoped tha she will choke on a mushroom. She didn't. I hope she chokes in future. I hope the baby slips on his own puke, falls facefirst onto tha floor and drown. I hope tha dad, who comes in later to eat his fucking tom yam noodles, chokes on noodles someday. Damn tha family. Itz ppl like this tha make the world suck. And itz ppl like my colleagues that make it worse. I hate them all.

Then there was this troublesome family at table 1. Wenjie spat into his lamb stew. I threw his mashed potato onto tha floor. Heh. Evil huh? They deserve it. Rule no. 1 while dining out - never offend tha service staff - you'll never know what happens to your food.

FUCK YOU ALL !!!!!!!!!!

Shady self-destructed @ 22:36


Aarrgghh, Man Utd drew 1-1 with Leeds while Arsenal beat Chelsea 2-1. This takes Arsenal 7 pts clear off Man Utd in the title race. I wonder if Arsenal will finally manage to obtain tha title this season. The previous one, they screwed up during the ending stages. /me shrugz. Why am I still that concerned about soccer? Itz been a long time since I dared call myself a Man Utd supporter. Why? Uhm... a supporter is supposed to knoe the players in the team - at least the first 11 - and knoe a team's fixtures - not for tha entire season but at least their next match. heh. I used to know all that. Back in 95/96 all tha way till 00/01 I was a staunch Man Utd fan. I knew not only the 1st 11 but the reserve squad, Man Utd's history, legends... etc. HmZzz... all that info, I have forgotten :D I still do remember tha good ol' dayz with Cantona, Bruce, Pallister still in tha team. Oh, and who can forget Schmikes? He rawks. I kinda lost tha passion for soccer thru tha years. I used to stay up without fail every weekend to watch matches, regardless of tha league - most often either EPL or Serie A though. Then there was tha World Cup, Euro Cup, Champions League... etc. Leaving mi half-dead for skool tha nxt day. Now? Heh, I dunno. Should I return to tha kind of lifestyle? Sometimes tha past seems tempting to return to.

Speaking of tha past, I met up with one of my very best friends earlier today. We went to play pool after wrk. Oh boy, itz been a real long time since I last saw him. Tha last time I saw him was around my b-day period - say 2 mths? *grinx* I know, itz not as if it hath been 2 years, but long enuff. His gf, I haven't seen her since Oct 2003 I think. Nothing much hath changed. Everyone still seems tha same. I initially expected some awkwardness but heyz, everything seems tha way it was before. HmZzz... come to think of it, I've known him for, 8 years? It all began on Alamak chat, back when I was in sec 3 - when I was 15 and he was 17. Lost touch somewhere after leaving sec skool but Fate allowed us to keep this friendship. Pretty kewl ehz? I wonder if we'll still be in contact say, 50 years from now?

He mentioned about his plan of opening a cafe... selling sandwiches, drinks, CDs... and at nite, alcohol. I would definitely help him if I can. Working for a friend beats working for some stupid boss >.< My schedule nxt week is kinda crappy. 4 working dayz, one half-shift. Well... should have been 5, but I gave up a 12-11 to visit pero in camp. Heh, I wonder if I can see that cat eyes Lieutanant again. This time, I might just ask him for his number. Yeah might. It all depends what kind of situation it is... and if I have tha guts to do it or not. /me shrugz. I just think he' so cute.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:30

Friday, February 20, 2004


Am listening to Evanescence's "My Immortal". The song tugs at my heart. The lyrics are so... so... I dunno what to say. They just describe what I felt, what I still feel. Evanescence is an example of a rock-kinda band turning mainstream. Without the exposure of their song - "Bring Me To Life" in the Daredevil movie, I am sure they wouldn't even be heard of... except maybe by WWE fans. Such is the music industry. The change of music thru the years. Perhaps someday I must upload tha' essay I did, regarding technology & the progression of music. Some things just don't change. But with the gradual acception of nu-metal bands such as Disturbed, Drowning Pool, Static X... may come an entire new metal revolution someday. HmZzz, frankly I wouldn't want that to happen. Metal will no longer be kewl if itz played over the airwaves. Metal is supposed to be the music for a selected few. It shouldn't be something every fool on tha street listens to and compares with to teenyboppers & pop idols. Metal should stay underground.

I dreamt about someone from my past. One of the guys that entered my life for a brief period of time. I liked him when I was with him. The relationship didn't last long. I wasn't that distraught. What made mi remember him is what he said to me after it all. That was after when we broke up... when I got into the clubbing phase, spending all my time down at Boat Quay. He told mi that I have changed. Changed to someone no different than the ppl I used to detest. That got me thinking. I wonder why I dreamt about him. Itz been such a long time since I saw him anywhere. I still got him on ICQ. Itz a pity that we weren't better friends.

Shady self-destructed @ 01:55

Thursday, February 19, 2004


Got home from Tekong half n hr ago. pero is in tha army now. Damn, that Mel didn't show up after all. Could see that pero was pretty disappointed. Bloody bitch. She actually hath tha cheek to mention that she dunno if she should go or not. Itz her boyfriend for goodness sake!!~! Ugh, I hope their relationship ends soon. At this rate pero will tear wadever is left of his hair out. I wonder how he'll fare in tha army. /me grinx. Can't wait to see his botak head after 2 weeks. Saw quite a few ppl tearing. If I were in their shoes, I prolly will too. It was a boring affair though, speech, video, tour of Tekong + lunch. Dunno if I would wanna go when itz my bro's turn getting enlisted. The food ain't as bad as I expected it to be though. The soup was good. I wonder what soup was that. jem said it prolly came frm a can, I dun refute that. It should have came frm a can. Yummie.

Oh yeah, there was this 2nd Lieutanant guy who was our "tour guide". He has a beautiful pair of catty eyes. Very cute. Especially when he looks at my direction and smiles... itz like, phew!!~! He looked at my direction a few times. I hope itz coz he's looking at mi, and not something behind mi & I hope itz not coz he had to do it, thatz why he was doing it =P I asked pero to get my his number. Heh, wonder if pero will even meet him. mi & jem got tha tickets to go visit him on tha 28th. Will prolly take an off for that day - then at nite go for a movie or something >.< Oh yeah, speaking of movie, I was supposed to meet this IRC guy, Jeff, to watch a movie today. 3+ show. But since he didn't contact mi yesterday, and I wasn't that keen in tha 1st place, I was too lazy to contact him and hence, am at home now. Ain't too excited about meeting guys from the IRC. They're prolly fugly with a fucked up attitude to match. Plus they're prolly going for looks as well, so they'll like ignore mi after tha first meeting? Then the meeting will be a total waste of time in tha 1st place. One more thing, they are boring ppl. Can't talk much, can't express themselves... awkward silence reigning more than half tha time. Ugh /me shudderz. Not all IRC dude are that uncool, some are pretty neat. Itz just that, those that I've meet (from #singapore20+) are that screwed.

Feeling goddamned sleepy now. Gonna go take a short nap and hopefully I'll wake up in time for skool. Shouldn't be cutting classes anymore. Not if I wanna clear this module. Final mod, betta not screw up.

Shady self-destructed @ 15:39


Just got home frm Hendrix. Was high a little but I think I'm okay now. Since I am typing pretty fine, I should be okay *grinz* My colleague is at my place now. Got kinda drunk so I reckon it'll be a betta idea for him to just sleep here. Problem is, I have no freaking idea as to how I gonna wake him at 7:30am later. Am going wif jem & Mel to send pero off to tha army. I really hope I wun miss that. HaiZzz... with Noods gone & now pero, our gathering is down to 2. /me shrugz NS is just 2 years. They'll be out before we knoe it, but things will be different then. We would all be older, and perhaps by then will have a different mindset. Am still unclear as to which path I gonna take in tha future. Will just take things as they come. There's still like another 2 mth b4 I officially graduate. Am gonna take things kool, relak for a bit first and see what opportunities come by.

I cried earlier. In front of another colleague. Am pretty embarassed by it now that I think. Shouldn't have done so, shouldn't have shown another how weak I actually am. But the tears just came. I thought of the one I love. The one from my past. To think I told myself never to shed tears for him ever again - but at that point of time, when I told myself tat, I knew. I knew that I'll cry once again. Itz just emotions I guess. The hurt gradually lessen as Time passes by, but it will never go away. The wound closed, but never did it completely heal. He'll always have a place in my heart. Even if one day I find it in me to love someone else. There'll always be a special place which can never be replaced. Such is the power of love. Damn. I never expected this will actually come outta me... but it did. Maybe someday I'll look back on this blog & laugh. Laugh at how I was such a fool rite now. With that laughter will more tears come. Memories. Bittersweet memories of Time that hath past. Memories of my youth. Memories that will never become reality... that will stay that way in my heart as long as I exist. I shall cry no more tonite. Tha tears hath dried. For now.

5:06am. In another 4 min, Portugal vs England will kick-off. Itz been a fuckin long time since I waited up to watch a match. I just hope I dun fall asleep halfway thru. I hope it'll be a good game. England is riddled with injuries. Ferdinand suspended. I wonder how Ronaldo will fare in an international game... especially when, in the opponent's team, will be the player he replaced at Oldl Trafford - David Beckham. 5:08am now. Betta get my chips ready and turn on tha tele. I wonder if that'll wake my colleague up. lolx. England rawks !!~!

Shady self-destructed @ 05:08

Tuesday, February 17, 2004


I am tired. Uneventful day at wrk, besides a little of playful squabbling with Roy. lolx. He is so goddamned funny. Reminds mi of Faizal. I wonder how Faizal is doing now. Had lamb stew for lunch again today. $9.60. Burnt a tiny hole in tha pocket of mine but itz worth that $$. Tastes good. Feels good. Had a short talk with Karin about career prospects in Secret Recipe. I wonder if I should go thru' it - have a talk with Sin Sin & see how things go. Problem is. I dun wanna end up being "the enemy". Would love it if there is a PR or marketing position. Might not wanna be involved in operations... coz it'll be kinda awkward to face my wrking friends. Not everyone manages to differentiate between work & personal life. I am unsure if I am able to do it but I think I will manage o-k-a-y.

Plans for tha nite. Finish up my Campbells mushroom soup. Take a shower. Watch an episode of Samurai Deeper Kyo. Play half hr of Neoquest II then retire for now. I am feeling more than tired to be frank. Am feeling totally shagged out. Manx, what in tha world happened to that boundless energy I use to possess during my poly years. The older one grows... the more weary. I dread it 5 years from now. There goes my plan for some exercise.

Shady self-destructed @ 23:52


Itz almost 5:30am. I just got home. From watching "Cold Mountain" and then alot of slacking + a bacardi breezer (orange) at Marina Promenade. Itz like singing songs, playing with peanuts - awrite, the guys were playing with peanuts - and alot of just crapping. Times like this wouldn't last forever, but memories will stay with mi till the end. I love my friends. I hope this friendship lasts a long long time. The crazy things we do, the times we shared lolx I hope they feel tha same way too. Felt bad that I had to be the one suggesting that we leave... but had no choice... gotta wrk later. In fact, I have to be up in slightly less than 5hr time. I wonder how am I gonna survive tha day. 12-10 shift. Good $$ but damn itz gonna be tiring.

Tuesday. HmZzz, shouldn't be busy. Darn, she is working tml. Ah well, she's gonna be there for like 4hr so it shouldn't be too bad? For the past week and this current one, her shifts kinda conflict with mine so I dun see her as much as I dread. Itz tha week after this thatz gonna start to suck. Jonathon is gonna be transfered to Anchor Point. Which means, she's prolly gonna cover his shifts... meaning I will get to see her twice as much. Haiz. Well, perhaps in due time I wouldn't dislike her tat bad, but when I dun feel good about someone, it hardly changes. /me crosses fingers & toes. I hope she quits soon. I knoe itz kinda mean of mi to be saying this, and someday, somehow word is gonna get to her that I dun like her... but I rather not keep it inside. She'll prolly hate me when she finds out. Ah well, the feeling is mutual? Not hate. I dun hate. Dislike. Itz kinda thorn in the side feeling... doesn't go away. But such is life. Itz impossible for everything to go well.

It was worth cutting skool. "Cold Mountain" was a good movie. Kinda long... but I would recommend it to anyone. Itz tragic how events turned out. Itz sad at the end. Love. Love is such a powerful thing. It keeps ppl from becoming insane, it drives someone to just live. War is horrible. It takes ppl away. It breaks families up. It shatters a person's life. Thing change. People change. Love remains. Speaking of love reminds me of Colin Raye's "Love Me". Such a touching song. The lyrics almost made mi cry the 1st time I heard it. I cried the 2nd time. Till now, I tend to tear. /me laughs Such is the weakness of human emotions.

Shady self-destructed @ 05:29

Monday, February 16, 2004


I'm cutting class today. To be exact - I cut class today. Just can't be bothered to go. Will spend most of tha time reading manga anyway. I dun like the lecturer. I think I mentioned this before. *sigh* My last module to clear b4 I get the fuckin degree. There's a group project for this. Damn. I hate working in too huge a group (anything above 3 I think is huge). I wonder when are the project datelines. Yet to settle... or was I zonning away while the lecturer was talking about it? /me shrugz.

Am still in chapter 1 for Neoquest. lolx. Went to take a look at tha walkthru a while earlier - outta curiosity and boy itz gonna take mi a long time to finish tha game !!~! Those no lifers who alredi completed the maniac difficultly. I wonder how long they went w/o sleep for that. If itz some PS2 game, maybe I would spend more time on it. But the way Neoquest is done, kinda slow and tedious to spend more than 2hr on it siah. Some ppl are plain crazy. lolx. I alredi think I dun have much of a life, but I reckon I have other stuff to spend my time on, compared to them. And those with loads and loads of neopoints. Hahaha... not to mention, zeny on RO as well. siao. I dun bot, I just leech from bots. kewl ehz? Maybe someday I'll spend more time levelling up my swordie & thief. Time factor ~

Isn't Belial cute?

One of the 7 masters after Lucifer from hell (like the real Belial) , she/he has a sad past like most of the other characters in there. Asexual creature who is madly in love with Lucifer himself. However, the one Lucifer loves is Alexiel. Complicated storyline to be frank. Alot of love here and there. Another of the 7 masters is in love with Belial. There was this part in tha manga when he said, no matter what happens... even if her face is covered with blood and mud, she'll still be the most beautiful in the world to him. awww, touching huh? Doesn't this kinda reflect the real world as well? The person you love loves another. The person u love most, is not be the person who loves you most. Who ends up with who, Destiny decides. I am still alone. I wonder if I'll end up like one of tha characters from the manga - destined to live alone, loving the person in my heart. There is yet to be a person whom I love that deeply though.

I can't be bothered to type further.

Shady self-destructed @ 19:06


Itz a...
Fucked up world
Fucked up place
Fucked up bitch
With a fucked up face

Fucked up lies
Fucked up wives
Fucked up guys
With a fucked up life

Fucked up lass
Fucked up lad
Fucked up day
That drives you mad

Fucked up masks
Fucked up fakes
Fucked up smiles
Every single prick makes

Fucked up morons
Fucked up swine
Fucked up voices
Do nothing but whine


Such was my day. Busy for a period at work, bored to death after that. Then there were the kids. Bloody kids. Asking for balloons... balloons and balloons. I hate children. I really do. Thankfully after that we gave tha excuse that no more helium liaox, then dun need pump anymore for those dumb asses.

Was discussing about moving out with my colleague earlier. I wonder if I should really go thru with it. The only hesitating factor is, uhm, I'll miss my parents and there'll be no one to do stuff for mi. But without moving out, I'll never learn to be independant. And I am alredi 23. Itz like... at my age I should knoe how to fend for myself. Or what am I gonna do later on in life when I have no choice but to live alone? *sigh* Perhaps I shall just browse online ads for apartments up for rent... consider the $$ factor then talk about it with my colleague once again. Maybe wait till i get my bike so things will be much easier? I dun wanna end up some inaccessible place then waste loads of time travelling. Then there are bills to think about, monthly rent... etc. Yeah cash factor really must consider.

I go watch Royal Rumble VCD liaox.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:45

Sunday, February 15, 2004


Thatz it. Valentine's Day hath come and went. I survived in a feverish daze, somehow. Watched "Along Came Polly" last nite with 2 that I consider my good friends. They are a couple & I just can't help feeling in tha way at times. But heyz, I knoe them both so it ain't too bad. Could be worse - eg. I knoe only one of them and they become lovey dovey tha entire nite *grinz* Loads of couples out last ntie. Gals carrying boquets, stalks of roses, chocolates... holding hands with their partners, hugging... etc. I felt like one of the lonliest ppl in tha world. I just hope that my nxt Valentine's Day wun be spent alone. Literally I ain't alone, but I think u knoe what I mean. Damn, was I the only one who didn't receive a Valentine's gift?

Itz Sunday. Pah! Family day @ Suntec & everywhere else. There'll be rowdy ppl, misbehaving, being rude... and when u think thatz bad, check out their kids. Itz gonna be a long day ~ My throat still doth hurt.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:01

Saturday, February 14, 2004


Great. I am running a fever. No wonder I was feeling woozy. Woke up with a sore throat. Dun feel good. Got home early from work - at the expense of Meiling's black face. Aiyah, dunno her lah... think she expects mi to stay on like she does, even when she's ill. I dun believe in hanging ard at wrk even though I am sick. I would be more of a hinderance than help. I suppose she doesn't see it the same way. Anyway, she's pretty full of complains, so let her say wadever she want lah. I wun deny that it bothers mi - it irritates the shit outta me to be honest - but hmz, accept another person for tha way he/she is. She's still someone I might consider a friend. I should still be going for movie tonite. Midnite one confirm, 9+ one I dunno. I go faint.

Shady self-destructed @ 16:55


Heh, went to take a look at my friend's blog and couldn't resist the temptation to try the quiz she provided a link to. I admit. I love quizzes. I am just so curious to find out if the result of the quiz coincides with who/what I am. Somehow, more often than not, they seem true. Or perhaps, I tend to formulate my character according to the results of a quiz - hardly likely. For other quiz results of mine, you gotta check out my homepage. You'll be nodding ur head in agreement if you've knoe mi for a period of time. Here is one --

SteelWings
You have wings of STEEL. No one's really sure why, but at this point in your life you've shut off emotion to the point of extreme apathy. You are cold and indifferent much of the time...or perhaps you're just a good pretender. Next to impossible to get close to, even those who do never see the real you. It's entirely possible that YOU don't even know the real you. You have a certain fascination or attraction to destruction on a massive scale - disasters, perhaps even death or the concept of the Apocalypse. Because you hold so much inside, one day you're simply going to snap. Then the mask will fall away, and your true wings will be revealed. Until then you will deal with whatever comes your way in icy bitter silence and acceptance. On the positive side, you are fearless and immeasurably strong - not much can crack through your defenses. You intrigue people, who can't help but wonder why you're the way you are. A loner and one who spends much of their time brooding and contemplating life and death - you are a time bomb waiting to explode and create some destruction of your own.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla


My brother is playing King of Fighters. Noisy siah. Am waiting to have my dinner & watch RAW at tha same time. Thatz gonna leave mi with a bedtime of perhaps... 4am? Phew. My PC's ADSL shortcut died earlier today - left mi in a pretty worried & troubled state of mine. Thankfully my bro managed to solve tha problem. /me heaves a sigh of relief. Itz always good to have a sibling who is better in computers than u are. I may be a hardcore gamer but I am no PC expert. Kinda weird huh? Most gamers are pro in computer software & hardware. Guess I am alwayz tha weird one. Contradicting myself. I am a gamer who listens to heavy metal and goes clubbing occasionally. I look. I dunno how I look. Semi-guai? I smoke, I drink, I have tattoos & dyed hair. But I dun come across as pai kia or lian. In fact I think I look pretty decent of my hair ain't blonde. /me shrugz

Damn. The Valentine shit is getting to me. At my workplace itz like heart-shaped balloons all over tha place. The ceiling, tied to the menu stands, tied to customers... etc. then there are like children coming in to request to have balloons. Fuck. Much as I try to. I hate children. Call mi a hard-hearted bitch if you wanna. I just hate children. I dun deny it. I hate faking. If I dun like something/someone, I dun really bother to hide. Unless that person is someone like that little bitch @ work. Thatz a dilema & a long story, one that I dun wish to relate in full. She is supposed to wrk tml, I hope she doesn't turn up. I dun wanna see her. Not on such a bz day at that. Valentine's Day. I jio-ed jem for a movie & supper after work. He said okay. I wonder if he'll put aeroplane. Pathetic if I have to go home after that.

/me shrugz. Dun care liaox. I go play Sims.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:12

Friday, February 13, 2004


Pah. The success rate was bad. Managed to refine 5 Flame Heart 1 Mystic Frozen & 4 Rough Winds... itz like barely 50%. Thankfully a priest came to aid in blessing & gloria when I was attempting tha weapons. Failed one. Made one stupid elementless, slotless, worthless blade & finally managed to do one Fire blade. Thankfully didn't end up with nothing or pero would have killed mi for using up all his raw materials. I think my lvl is still not high enuff yet. luk too low 30+7 dake. Am still continuing to leech at Elder Willow map, but I dunno how long this gonna keep up. pero is entering into the army soon afterall. Damn. Anyway they are supposed to improve the server by this Sunday. I wonder how much improvement will be made. Currently, itz near impossible to play till after 3am - when most ppl are asleep & most of the remainder are bots. Grrr perhaps someday I should start reporting botters. Get them outta Byalan Dungeon especially, coz thatz where my swordie is training for tha moment. Might be moving off to culverts instead. lolx. Wad am I talking huh?

Play Ragnarok Online, u dweeb. Then u'll knoe.

Shady self-destructed @ 04:14


The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)

Machiavelli was a Florentine diplomat, writer and advisor to Alexander VI. Supposedly wrote a controversial text regarding leadership - about how to become a good Prince. HmZzz... I wonder if I will bother taking time off to read that bloody thingy, seems very long & I have limited patience when it comes to reading texts that I don't select. My lecturer recommended it. She's one crazy woman. *grinz* Crazy but pretty kewl, at least her lectures ain't too boring... though I still spend most of it reading Angel Sanctuary (like I do all the time during all other lectures). At least I have yet to fall asleep. Management. I wonder if I'll have tha opportunity to put it into good use in future. Afterall, SIM is a Management skool. Being a Mass Comm student, one should be heard. Yeah rite. I prefer to retain my silence and calm seh... u knoe, act kool a bit. lolx. Thatz tha way I am mahz... how tha hell am I supposed to change siah?

Anyway dun have much to complain about today. Just that haiz... wanted to watch a movie in tha noon, but din manage to find anyone to jio. Pathetic mi huh? Had potato salad and gin orange after skool @ pero's house. Heh did have quite a neat time. Afterwhich it was lucky that i left for home. My aunt came to visit. In tha midst of tha nite that is. Manz.. I hope I wun be down with cramps tml morning. Well gonna go try forge some weapons... wish mi luck

Shady self-destructed @ 02:41

Thursday, February 12, 2004


Experimenting with a new blogskin...

Shady self-destructed @ 13:13


I woke up. But I didn't call Des. Too lazy. I doubt he'll wake though. He'll prolly cut off my fone call repeatedly and thatz super annoying. Navel piercing. Ah well, can always get it another day. After I get my pay I reckon. On top of that, am itching for another tattoo. I think I am going crazy. With this obesession of body art. Piercings. I wonder if that hurts. Pain is good. But infections ain't. lolx. Some kinds of pain are welcome. Some are definitely not. Example of one that is not - infection !!~! When a wound gets infected, and the pain is like nagging... it ain't pleasure. When I have monthly cramps. That ain't pleasure either. Headache, tummy ache... etc. all sux.

Am itching to go watch a movie. However, no one to jio *sigh* sucks to be me sometimes. Limited social life - so limited that itz difficult to find someone to go out with when u really want to. There are a couple of movies that I wanna watch. No one seems to wanna watch them with me. No idea who else to ask besides the only few I knoe. Perhaps someday I shall just go to mIRC and pick a person by random to go out with mi huh? Super pathetic. I think ehhhh watching a movie with a stranger, somehow I think I'm betta off in the cinema alone? Wad if that guy turns out to be some freako or something. lolx. Dun wanna take that kinda risk !!~! Not that I am against freakos or below-average looking ppl. Just that, if I knoe that person thru' real life, yeah am kewl with that. But if itz like thru tha net... okay, if he is nice, am kewl with that. However, u knoe wat most guys are online for. Either desperate or pathetic like me. At least I knoe I ain't that bad looking (am I?) I wouldn't wanna end up going out with someone desperate AND fugly.

I'm giving up on the guy I like. I heard it frm him yesterday. He admitted that he likes the gal but didn't tell mi what was stopping him frm going after her. The gal likes him too - even got him his Valentine's Day gift. They are prolly spending Valentine's Day together. Well... I think I should back off. HaiZzz. I do like him. Been liking him for quite sometime alredi. _|_ fark it lah. He doesn't like mi back in that way I guess I should just let go. Not that I am leeching on to him... but u knoe what I mean. lolx. But I shall continue to wanna see him etc. Actually it ain't that bad that I like him. At least it ain't eating mi inside out. I just feel happy when I see him, thatz all. I reckon, in future, if there's any more going out... I'll let him do the asking. Resist the temptation.

Now I wanna poop.

Shady self-destructed @ 11:30


I am fuckin' high. Maybe drunk. Then again, if i was drunk, I couldn't be typing this now perfectly. Or at least, I think itz perfect. Perhaps itz all a bunch of hogwash with supreme grammatical errors... perhaps I'm spelling every word wrongly... perhaps I'm just hallucinating that I am actually online typing. I dunno. I think my initial drunkeness hath been danced off. Now its the seh-sation whereby if i shut my eyes I'll k.o. till tml morning. I think I shall do that after I log off. My blacksmith on mRO hath been disconnected. No point mi keeping the PC on. There ain't any food in my hse to eat 'cept for potata chips which I've bought like aeons ago - itz prolly lao hong liaox.

I shall take a bite.

Layz sour cream... when tha fuck did i buy that?? I remembered getting lays BBQ instead. ah well, still edidble. *eats* at least i ain't puking. I crave Campbell's cream of mushroom soup. There ain't any left in my cupboard. Even if there is, I'll prolly burn tha entire hse down trying 2 cook it. Been sometime since I last got this high. Was supposed to go Zouk with my colleagues but ended up at Hendrix wif my friendz instead. Ladies Nite - free flow @ tha bar for all gals. I had 2 burbon cokes, 1 burbon on tha rocks & 1 vodka 7-up. Now I am kookoo. wth. I am supposed to be able to drink more than this. Esp when I was wrking at Newsroom. Think I shall go dwn to 7-11, get a bottle of vodka... and drink nightly till I am immune. Then again, it ain't that fun clubbing if u ain't high.

I am no choingster. Am a gamer... now am a corpse... i have no fuckin idea as to what i'm typing now. Perhaps i should just give in to temptation n faint at my keyboard. Am supposed to go get my belly pierced tml. i wonder if I can wake Des to go with mi. Now I doubt if I can wake myself... zzzzzz

Shady self-destructed @ 03:15

Wednesday, February 11, 2004


Conflict at my wrkplace. Back-stabbing, confrontations... all took place today. I dun deny I've been doing a little of bitching myself - to someone who ain't invovled, that is. Itz just that, itz too frustrating to keep it down inside. I normally dun give a shit about what happens (believe it or not - generally I dislike conflict - itz much too bothersome), but when stuff concerns mi, I dun like it. I dun like it when ppl back-stab mi. I dun like it when rumours are spread about mi. And I dun like it especially when the person I dislike is invovled. I am still acting blur coz that little bitch happens to be the gal of a friend of mine. I dun wanna cross the path of one whom I consider my friend. However, there is a limit. Once pushed, consequences ain't exactly pleasant to bear. Watch it bitch. You wouldn't wanna knoe what I'll do when I get to you.

Valentine's Day is drawing nearer as the dayz merge into one another. Damn. It thought of someone I like actually going out with someone else (who I reckon, likes him as well - or she wouldn't be getting a gift for him) really sux. Hell, he ain't mine. Why am I that concerned? I wish he was mine though. I really do. I dreamt of him last nite. It was a good dream. What exactly took place, I have no memory of. But it was good. I wonder if anyone will give mi something for Valentine's Day - with exception of the one preplanned.

I think I should just go to sleep or perhaps watch another episode of Samurai Deeper Kyo.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:32

Tuesday, February 10, 2004


I weeped
Tears streaked down my cheeks
As I stared at the comic on my lap
Stories of unconditional love
Touched my heart and soul
On a still & breezless night

I sobbed
Tears rolling uncontrollably down
As I stared out into the lonely sky
With the cigarette in my hand
My only companion
On a still & breezeless night

I cried
Tears falling on the desk below
As I closed my eyes I think
Of those who mean alot to me
The peole in my life
On a still & breezless night

Shady self-destructed @ 03:56


Kaori Yuki's Angel Sanctuary: Characters

Angel Sanctuary. The manga I received as my 21st bday gift. Have yet to finish reading it but it wouldn't be long now. The manga where I adopted my nick from - Setsuna. I've watched the OVA. I have it burnt on disc. I can always burn another copy if anyone wants to borrow... that is if the "anyone" is worth tha trouble. Itz a wonderful anime/manga. Beautiful characters, complex storyline, alot of love and heartache. How love develops to hate, how characters (the angels) hurt each other despite the love, how love leads to forgivness. There is alot of death. Characters that u build up a sense of affection for. When they die, itz heartwrenching. Their deaths are never meaningless though - more often than not, itz to protect the ppl they love. Alot of tears are shed, alot of blood spilled. Angel Sanctuary made me cry.

I even tear when I think back on the scenes.

Itz the 2nd manga/anime that made mi cry so much actually. The 1st was X/1999 - by CLAMP. I have yet to collect the entire set of that one. Still waiting for the rest of the books to be out. Finished the anime though. Also, itz about love, protecting the one you love, wishes... etc.

What is so riveting about these 2 manga/anime is that, there is no pure good and pure evil characters. Everyone is doing everything for a reason. And the reason is always love. Love is the key that drives the characters to do more than what they can do... sometimes sacrificing their very existence in order to attain their goal. I wonder if such pure & innocent love ever exists for real. Perhaps between a mother and a child. Between siblings, lovers...

Will I give up my life for someone I love? Will I die for someone? Yes.

Weak as it may sound. I will. Not many ppl are worthy of that love, but I do have ppl in my heart that I'll die to protect. I'll die before I'll let anything happen to them. But I wonder if anyone will do the same for me.

I knoe someday we will part
I dunno if we will ever meet again
But you'll always have a place in my heart
Buried deep beneath the pain
Is a love I deny exists
Is a love I never wanted
Yet its there to stay
I know I love you so

I cry too much. I really do. I wonder if my tears will run out someday. My keyboard is getting kinda wet... I just wanna say. I love you. Mum. Dad. Just don't ever leave mi alone.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:10

Monday, February 09, 2004


Got home frm cycling ard an hr ago. lolx. Boy it was fun !!~! Haven't had such a good laugh in ages. Itz like, mi, jem & pero sitting at bedok jetty, laughing our heads off siah. About funny stuff that happened in the past, about rubbish... etc. I wonder if the other ppl around were thinking that there were 3 psychos there earlier. lolx. I bet, someday, I'll look back on this and laugh even more. hahaha... I kinda wonder, how long will we knoe each other till. Once all of us start working, getting attached, etc. wonder if there's still chances like this - for us to go out and laugh. hahaha... my jaws ache and my tummy hurts. Itz really de-stressing siah. This should be done once in a while. Itz like, everything else is secondary... itz just laughing laughing laughing. Oh manx, now I do sound crazy.

Speaking of crazy. Attempted one of the craziest things I ever did earlier. After laughing like mad @ Bedok jetty, we went to Mac's to get fries & coke. jem was giving mi a lift using my bike... he was pedalling... I was sitting painfully at the frame. Then halfway, itz like he let go of tha handlebar... I held it instead. That went on for quite a distance. Heng ahz!!~! No one fell :D Crazy shit should be attempted once in a while. It makes life sane.

Shady self-destructed @ 06:58


Mmmm... just got home frm supper - some porridge @ Chinatown. That place brings back memories manz. Of when I was 19, when I used to go down there with a friend. Actually we'll just drop by when we go cycling. Been quite sometime since I saw that friend anywhere... lost touch thru' tha years I suppose. The porridge still tastes the same though. Perhaps, some things nvr change. Like porridge, feelings stay constant. Just muted, not denied.

Fuck it manz, I am starting to get all philosophical. Duh.

Am going down to East Coast later. Cycling. *grinz* Been pretty much a while since I relaked at Bedok Jetty liaox. The night air, the sea, the sky... itz truly a wonderful place to be at, whether alone or with friends.

Itz 09 Feb today. Valentine's Day is arriving soon. I think am working on that day. Hmz... itz a Sunday. Yeah I will be wrking. Will be looking at all those lovey dovey couples, the gal with flowers in her hand... etc. HaiZzz. Once again, I'll be spending it alone - as in w/o a partner. I knoe I gonna be with my wrkmates, but u knoe, itz different. The guy I like currently alredi has a date. And frankly, I doubt he'll go out with mi even if I asked. Itz apparent that tha feelings ain't mutual. I wonder if he can tell that I like him. I knoe I ain't too bad looking. But why doth it always have to be this way? The person I like likes someone else and ppl I dun like will like me?

Yeah I may have the guts to do loads of stuff... but I never had tha guts to go after someone I like - not until I get some positive hints. But with him I sense nothing. He's still unattached but I wonder how long will that carry up. I knoe. I always tell ppl... if they like someone, go for it, make it known. But... but... if I make it known, I wonder how he'll take it. I dun want him to avoid me. We are pretty fine the way things are rite now. Itz like, we still see each other once in a while. Rarely but betta than never? I dun wanna end up in a situation whereby he avoids mi like tha plague. Matters of the heart. HaiZzz... they make a mockery outta me. I enjoy the time we spend together. However, do u knoe how much it takes to stop myself frm doing something that will let him knoe that I like him more than a friend? Do u knoe how much it takes, not to just hold him like I want to? Damn. I do have emotions afterall that shit.

I dun deny I still think of my ex. My ex has a place in my heart that can never be replaced. I dunno if I still love him. I doubt I do. Now my heart belongs to another. Another who doesn't knoe that he hath my heart. Another whose heart belongs to some other gal. It doesn't hurt. Itz just a nagging feeling that refuses to go away. A kind of wrenching feeling when I look at him. I can just hope that someday, someway he'll fall for mi. Or perhaps... if fate decrees... I dunno. Fate. I wonder if Fate will play a huge joke on mi. If Fate will allow mi to end up with the one I feel for. Maybe time will change everything. Maybe one day, someone will cross my path. Someone who feels for me the same way I feel for him. I dunno. But for now, I knoe who my heart is with and it'll remain that way.

For how long... *shrugz* even God doesn't knoe

Shady self-destructed @ 00:40

Sunday, February 08, 2004


Had makan with Colin, Des & Niki earlier. Feel pretty good. At least I ain't having a rumbling tummy now.

Heh suddenly have the inspiration to pierce my navel. Should I do it? Am worried 'bout the pain though. Wonder how much doth it cost. lolx. Like what Des said, spend $80 to buy pain. Hahaha yeah he wants to get his tongue pierced. Wonder if he dares to go thru' it in the end ;P Considering that he actually did such a huge tattoo on his back... I suppose it shouldn't be too much of a problem in terms of guts? Oh manx. I LOVE pain. But, wonder if this kind of pain is worth it. Itz not the piercing I am too afraid of, itz whether or not an infection will follow. According to Niki itz painless... really? Thatz what everyone that hath gone thru' something will say. Painless. My ear piercings do hurt. hahah not much but yeah there was a certain amount of pain - kinda enjoy that sensation though. Grr... I wonder if I should just heck care and pierce my eyebrows as well - something I've tot of for a very long time - ever since I caught sight of Daniel Johns. Piercings, pretty kewl but I think I gotta remove them once I start working for good?

Should I find another job? Keep having this nagging feeling that I am supposed to do something betta with my life than all this slacking. Well... maybe (just maybe), I'll go look at the papers nxt Monday.

Monday. There is some award show going on in tha morn. Perhaps I shall wake up or stay up to watch it. Am off on Monday. The shifts. haiZzz... but ah well, am unsure if itz a good or bad thing. I dun get the $$, true. But I get alot of slack time to do everything I wanna do. Just that, it tends to get a little sianz at home all the time. Jeez... I am still human after all, still need that social factor. Like this damned model of needs i studied once. Survival needs, social needs... etc. haha hell, I've forgotten 3/4 of the stuff I learnt in skool. Wonder if I can still operate the editing machine I was so good at back then. I think I can still use the VHS cam though >.<

I should be asleep now. Spent too much time Sim-ming. I shall go Neoquest for a bit more.

Shady self-destructed @ 04:13

Saturday, February 07, 2004


Today was a good day - at least, after work, that is. Fell asleep while doing my project halfway, woke up, ended up real late for wrk (approx. 1.5hr) however, managed to do it. Not exactly something that I'm proud of - literally typed rubbish for the last few parts - but I guess I should pass okay. One more module left to go b4 I graduate. I wonder what am I gonna do after graduation. Get a full-time job, waste the rest of my life away... be exactly like the ppl I despise while growing up. /me shudderz. Ain't exactly a wonderful thought, is it?

I gotta start working out. Body fat is starting to show around my tummy, around my hips, tighs... and the shoulder blades. b4 I become san chen rou I reckon I should do something about it - how much determination I have actually to see it thru', hah, I'm pretty doutbful myself. Awrite. I have 2 off dayz nxt week, one 6-10... maybe I should go for a jog or at least take my bicycle out for a ride? I wish I have a bike. The date to my TP still seems aeons away. I wonder if I'll be able to clear it then. Should I even bother booking for self-practices? All those shit I've done the past few mths... I thought I'll be able to clear it. But... those damned demerit points. Those damned traffic police. Reminder: gotta get myself stickers for my helmet. Been wanting to do that for my previous TP but never got tha chance to do so. Wonder if I should try asking either Des or Bernard to bring mi down to tha shop that sells such stuff. Or should I just fuck it and go alone?

I am getting fat. No way I gonna control my diet or do something stupid though.

Oh yeah, as I was saying, it was a good day after work. I went to watch Torque - the movie I've been looking foward to for months. Great effects, though a lil' bit exaggerating. beautiful bikes and yep, beautiful gals. I wonder if I'll ever be that attractive. Am contemplating getting rid of that mole by my eyebrow. Maybe it's time to stop contemplating & start taking action. HmZz... am too lazy to actually put on make up though. The goth look is kewl, but it takes hell loads of effort and I think I'm too tanned for it. lolx. No way I gonna be some pale waif.

I like the movie. I liked the company even better. Been quite sometime since I last went out with Des. Got another ride on his XR. If only I live a little further ;P Yeah yeah... I admit. I like him. I like his bike. I swear I will jio him & Bernard out when I get my SP. I gonna give Amin a call as well. Haha it doth seem that I'm getting a lil crazy. Bikes. I've loved them since I was a kid. No way I gonna let a guy get in between me and my bike this time.

I can't believe it. I am back to playing Neopets. Neoquest II is out. Pretty kewl game, pity that itz kinda slow in terms of loading.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:06

Friday, February 06, 2004


I am so screwed. Was supposed to work on my essay thru the nite but I fell asleep ard 2+ and I never woke till 7am. Should I be thankful that I actually woke up? I could have slept all the way till noon and be late for work. Yeah work. I have to leave the house by 11:30am, which means my project's gotta be done by 11am - that is if my classmate agrees to submit the essay for me - I've SMSed, but gotten no response at the moment. This is driving me crazy. It's like a nagging thought at the back of my head... what if. What if my classmate can't hand in my project for me, what if I have to actually spend 2hrs travelling to and fro just to hand in my project, what if I am super late for work?

I should really be working on it now, not blogging. Just that, I think I am stressed. Perhaps just sleepy. The words don't flow right and my brain is kinda dead. I am so dead. I think I'll just go have a cigarette and a short 10 min nap <- I'd better wake up from this or I'll really kill myself.

Shady self-destructed @ 08:07


dooshite? dooshite ima wa blog o kakimasuka? While my project is due in a few hrs time. I have slightly more than 9hr to work on the damed thingy. That is inclusive of sleep being sacrificed. I wonder how will I survive work tml. Am alredi stoned today - barely made it. Tml... itz worse. weekened crowd + 11pm closing time + a totally stonned me. HmZ, I hope she isn't working tml. There'll be a full-timer transfering from Anchor Point nxt week. My schedule hath been slashed. *sigh* This always happens during work. Wherever I work, wadever I do. Itz always tha same. Either over-staffed or under-staffed. Hardly just rite.

I am so sleepy now. I wonder if I should risk taking a short nap b4 even starting reading my sources & searching for more online. Will proceed to draft a "timetable" for the nxt few hours after I log off from this.

HmZzz... will tml be a good day? I hope it will. Am meeting up with Desmond & Bernard after work. We gonna go watch "Torque" @ PS, 12:40am movie. I hope Des doesn't decide to fly plane tml. I hope it'll be a good movie. And I hope Des keeps his promise of picking mi up frm wrk. I dig his new scrambler - XR400. Heh, to be frank, I prefer his RVF400 in terms of comfortability but itz not often that I get to ride on a scrambler. Bernard used to ride a KTM200, but now is with an ah-pek bike. In fact, it aint' often that I get to be a pillion rider in tha 1st place. Heh, things will be betta if I get my own license nxt mth. NSR150SP. Been eyeing that baby for a very very very long time. Itz a shame that I am too physically tiny to aim for a CBR400 Fireblade. I adore that to bits too.

Am watching "Postmortem" on TV rite now. Some crime-solving movie. Interesting. I wonder in what kind of fashion will I die.

Shady self-destructed @ 00:22

Thursday, February 05, 2004


Virtual Communities and Team Formation by Yanru Zhang & Michael Weiss.

Interesting paper, discussing the formation of online gaming communities, taken off Crossroads - the ACM Student Magazine. I gotta include that in my project. Not that I have many academic sources. Gotta smoke my way thru' the essay I suppose - those texts I mentioned in the annotated bibliography... I think I only have 2 photocopied & 2 with a few liners "copied".

I didn't go to the library for the 2nd time in the end after all. Itz Thursday now. The essay is due tomorrow. Wow. Okay, let mi think systematically. I get off wrk at 10pm today. I get home ard 11. Bathe, eat, slack till midnite. Then I'll have to set off from home at 8am tml, in order to get to SIM, hand in the project & not be late for work. I gotta "get up & prepare" at 7am. Which means... I have 7hr to do the bloody essay. /me thinks. Sounds bad. Not to mention, somewhere in between I'll fall asleep by the PC and itz super difficult for mi to wake when I am asleep (duh). Oh fuckin' hell. Wad have I gotten myself into now?

*sigh* At least I enjoyed last nite. Went down for mambo nite, had a couple of drinks, stayed on the dance floor for a bit. The last hour was at Phuture. Phuture plays great music. But Phuture has terrible crowds. Can hardly move. Then this fucked up bouncer actually shone a torch at my face, after I shoved someone past mi. Bloody moron. I hope he gets knocked down by a car after work one day. Either that or he will offend the wrong person and get the shit beaten outta him. Retarded s.o.b. Why didn't he go shine the damned torch of his at the person who was crossing my path instead? Bouncers. They really tend to have mental problems @ times /me curses heh, a friend of mine got pretty high. All of us ended up slacking at the bridge near Zouk after. Intended to go for supper but realised that the place was closed /gg I didn't knoe it was after 4am! Ain't me fault for suggesting!~!

Great. My friend mistook me for the gal I dislike [via SMS]. @$(^$*~

Shady self-destructed @ 11:41

Wednesday, February 04, 2004


Smoke machine... smoke machine... fuckin' beng song, yet so fuckin' nice. Can't leave my techno roots behind though itz been aeons since I last danced to anything techno. The memoriez. Oh manx... those times at Taps & XKlusiv. Then there was Sparks, Venom... those chionging dayz of mine. Seems such a long time ago. Been only a few years though. That was when I was how old? 18? When I was still wrking at Golden Village. When I was hanging out with a few bengz I got to know from Star Factory.

That was a kool yet dark period of my life. My turning point.

Coz it was then I met someone who totally ruined my world - he caused mi to wake up and see reality for all itz harshness. It was then I became even more withdrawn than before. Should I thank him? For if it wasn't for him, I'll never know how bad life could be. Things I've done back then, left a mental scar. A scar that will never fade. A scar that will never totally heal. And sometimes, the wound aches... memories return to haunt mi. No, he isn't the person I gave my heart to. Just someone who stepped into my life momentarily & showed mi the world. I hate him. Yet I thank him. w/o him, I wouldn't be what I am rite now. Then... maybe I should hate him. Coz w/o him, I wouldn't be what I am rite now. Sullen, moody, unstable, contradictory, insane, confused, lost.

Oh Rusty Nail... dore dake namida wo nagaseba
anata wo wasurerareru darou
Just tell me my life, doko made aruite mitemo
namida de, ashita ga mienai

Then again, I believe in destiny. The End is always the same. It is merely the journey that differs. Nothing changes eventually. Life takes you from point A to point B. No matter what you do, you'll end up at point B. The only choice you have is how to get from point A to point B. Master of Fate. What rubbish. How can a mere mortal go against something unknown? Something so mysterious. Something so... uncontrollable. Perhaps someday I shall break the chains that bind mi. Perhaps.

kore wa... watashi no sadame. zutto, hitori de. hitori de aruite, hitori de ikiteiru, hitori de shinde. sabishii. kirai. jibun ga kirai. anata mo kirai. demo kikenai. kore wa watashi no unmei.

I should really be working on my project. Like I mentioned. I post too much.

Shady self-destructed @ 01:21

Tuesday, February 03, 2004


I post too much.

I was supposed to go to the library. I couldn't wake up. I knew it rite from the start. *sigh* Today will be yet another long day at work. Someone I don't like is working - making it even longer. I hope she gets the fuck outta my workplace. Things were fucked, but weren't that fucked.

I curse and swear too much. I am tired.

Shady self-destructed @ 10:59


I can't sleep. My dumb bro is using the TV again - this time to watch Discovery Channel. I wonder whatz so great about documentaries. The past 2 nites it was the PS2 - that I can understand. The volume is too loud. I will feel like crap tml. I wonder if I will be able to wake up in tha 1st place. Set my alarm for 8am. Damn. 4hr of sleep ain't enuff. I need 6 to get thru the day, 8 to feel satisfied, 10 & above to feel good. The afternoon nap ruined mi. If not, I will be so exhausted now that I'll fall asleep no matter what.

I battled the sandman. I won. Unfortunately.

"Promise me, that when I wake up, you will be right beside me" - I dunno if I got the quote wrong, but it was something liddat. Something Bob Tenor (Matt Damon) told his "conjoined twin" in Stuck On You. It was a delightful movie. Touching. Funny. It made me tear. It it pure hell when u get used to something/someone and wake up one day realising that that is nothing but a wonderful memory. Wonderful, but painful.

It is difficult to love. Much more difficult to forget. When everything is over, all that is left are bittersweet recollections of the past. Regrets that the outcome couldn't be different. Like my friend, Jukaido, once put as his quit msg in mIRC - I always knew that looking back on the times I cried will make me laugh, I never knew that looking back on the times I laughed will make me cry.

I wonder why am I thinking of this @ this time. I always do. Thoughts always flood into my mind at the wrong time. Thoughts of how I once loved someone so deeply that I could give up everything for him. Never again. I promised myself. Never again. Maybe this promise will be broken one day. Maybe this promise will be one that I'll bind myself to for the rest of my life. Maybe... just maybe. Life is so full of "maybes"... full of "ifs"... full of...

I dunno.

Now this is starting to sound like a diary entry. Perhaps I should just incorporate the both of them. I am too lazy to do anything. I wonder who the fuck is reading this in the 1st place. Who cares enough about me to do so. If there is anyone out there - Illusions of a Fallen Angel: Version 1.0 - my homepage.

Take a look if you want to. Sign the guestbook. Fuck you all.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:48


Working on an SIM assignment, related to blogging. Surfed around on the web for blog-related sites, came across this article by Rebecca Blood, "weblogs: a history and perspective", that mentioned why bloggers start blogging in tha 1st place. Decided to start one of my own, for the heck of it. It wouldn't be something spectacular. It wouldn't be something creative. I know merely basic HTML & frankly, I am too lazy to learn. Not for something as bo liao as this. Time is better spent gaming.

I wonder how long will I continue updating this thingy. Alredi have my own online diary - just that I don't type into it unless something huge bothers mi so much that I've to get it off my chest. Normally I don't like ppl to know how I feel... but there is a need for someone to knoe the real me.

Emotion is weakness.

Damn it is 3:07am. I gotta wrk at noon tml. Gotta make a trip down to the library b4 tat to work on my essay. I'll only have 1.5 hrs max. *sigh* I wonder how am I supposed to pull this off. Perhaps I should ask someone to cover my shift on Thursday - so that I can work on it the entire fuckin' day. Too many temptations. Too feeble-willed am I to deny those temptations. I give in. I give up. Merely a mortal I am.

I have to get to sleep. Enter the sandman.

Shady self-destructed @ 03:19






.: ME :.

I am the Alpha, I am the Omega. I am a Monster without a name.

I don't know where I'm going, and you need not know where I've been. I don't know why I'm embarking on this journey and I don't know what exactly I'm searching for. I don't need guidance. I'll know it when I find it - I'll make something up if I don't. Perhaps then, I'll depart to the realms beyond.

Till then, sit back & enjoy the tales I bring to you from my reality.

For a more detailed description about yours truly, view my Friendster Page



Instead of links... A tracking/reminder list of sorts - for PS2 gaming. Motivation NOT to start a new game of b4 completing one of the same genre that hath alredi begun.

In Progress

  • Dark Cloud 2
  • Guitar Hero 1, 2 & 80s
  • Kingdom Hearts
  • Kingdom Hearts II
  • Wild Arms 3

In Queue

  • Ar tonelico: Melody of Elemia
  • Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana
  • Atelier Iris II: The Azoth of Destiny
  • Atelier Iris III: Grand Phantasm
  • Dark Cloud
  • Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
  • Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
  • Final Fantasy VII - Dirge of Cereberus
  • Final Fantasy X
  • Final Fantasy X-2
  • Final Fantasy XII
  • Grandia III
  • Harvest Moon - A Wonderful Life
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (8x)
  • Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
  • Persona 3
  • Rogue Galaxy
  • Rule of Rose
  • Shadow Hearts: Covenant
  • Shadow Hearts: From The New World
  • Shining Force Neo
  • Silent Hill 3
  • Silent Hill 4: The Room
  • Soul Cradle [Jap]
  • Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity
  • Suikoden IV
  • Suikoen V
  • Tales of the Abyss
  • Wild Arms Alter Code: F
  • Valkyrie Profile: Silmeria

To-Check-Out / To-Get List

  • Ar tonelico II [?]
  • Arc The Lad: End of Darkness
  • Arc The Lad: Twilight of the Spirits
  • Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
  • Digimon World Data Squad
  • Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories
  • Dragon Quest V: Tenkuu no Hanayome
  • Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King
  • Drakengard
  • Drakengard 2
  • Dual Hearts
  • Elvandia Story [?]
  • Ephemeral Fantasia
  • Eternal Ring
  • Evergrace
  • Forever Kingdom
  • Full Metal Alchemist and the Broken Angel
  • Full Metal Alchemist 2: Curse of the Crimson Elixir
  • Full Metal Alchemist 3: Kami no Tsugu Shojo
  • Growlanser Generations
  • Growlanser: Heritage of War [?]
  • Growlanser IV: Precarious World [?]
  • Jade Cocoon 2
  • Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color
  • Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
  • Makai Kingdom: Chronicles of the Sacred Tome
  • MS Saga: A New Dawn
  • Musashi Samurai Legend
  • Odin Sphere
  • Okage: Shadow King
  • Orphen: Scion of Sorcery
  • Radiata Stories
  • RPG Maker 2 [?]
  • RPG Maker 3 [?]
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga 2
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
  • Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 [?]
  • Shining Force Exa
  • Shining Wind [?]
  • Shining Tears
  • Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
  • Steambot Chronicles
  • Summoner
  • Summoner 2
  • Tales of Destiny [?]
  • Tales of Destiny II [?]
  • Tales of Legendia
  • Tales of Rebirth [?]
  • Tales of Symphonia [?]
  • The Lord of The Rings, The Third Age
  • Tsugunai: Atonement
  • Unlimited Saga
  • Ys: The Ark of Napishtim
  • Wild Arms 5 [?]
  • Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zer Macht
  • Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose
  • Xenosaga Episode 3: Also Sprach Zarathustra
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.1: Rebirth
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.2: Reminicise
  • .hack//G.U. Vol.3: Redemption
  • .hack//Infection Part 1
  • .hack//Mutation Part 2
  • .hack//Outbreak Part 3
  • .hack//Quarantine Part 4

Completed Games

  • Grandia II
  • Harvest Moon - Save the Homeland (1x)
  • Legend of Legia II
  • Shadow Hearts
  • Silent Hill 2
  • Suikoden III

Trash Bin

  • 7 Sins
  • Urbz: Sims in The City
  • Grandia XTreme

Too Many Games... Too Little Time...


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